Was it my doing (neediness) or his (unavailability)?

[laelithia]

Hi everyone,

 

I was hoping I could get some insight on what happened in my last relationship. I met someone on tinder over a month ago. He lives one city away, about a 3 hour drive. We matched since he has some work in my city. Anyway, pretty much immediately we were talking (texting and snapchatting) constantly. Before I knew it, we were discussing our potential future plans (ex. Going on trips together) and calling each other 'baby' even prior to actually meeting. I knew he was rather fresh out of a relationship that he ended (1 month prior), so I was a bit hesitant to want to move as quickly as he was seemingly interested in. Again, prior to us even meeting, he mentioned things like wanting to live with me, have kids together, etc. At the time, I recognized the red flags but also thought maybe I had finally met a man that was serious about settling down and wasn't afraid of commitment.

 

We continued talking for 2 weeks straight, and then planned a weekend for him to come and see me. When we met for the first time, it was amazing. We met up at a pub with some of his friends, and he couldn't keep his eyes and hands off of me the whole night. I won't lie, I relished in the attention. The rest of the weekend went really well, except for one night when I had too much to drink and got upset with him for no real reason either than I had been burned in the past, and was worried he was going to change on me, too. The next day he reassured me that he would never mislead me, and that I could always trust him. Again, it seemed early for these proclamations, but it's what I've wanted to hear for so long that I ate it all up. After that weekend, we were both very sad when he had to leave. Once he got back home, he sent me many texts mentioning how much he misses me already.

 

A couple days later, he found out he was to work up north for 2 weeks in a camp. He had a few days off before then, and asked me if it was crazy for him to come back and see me again so soon since it would be a while before we could see each other again. I said I would love for him to come back, but that I didn't want him to feel like he has to drive so much. He decided to come anyway, and I was very excited. The second visit was short and sweet, just a couple days. I was very sad this time when he was leaving, I even had to fight back a tear when we hugged and said goodbye. I don't have people over to my place very often, but it was so wonderful having him there. I won't lie, when he was with me, I remembered what he said about wanting to live together and we even talked about the possibility of him asking his company to transfer to my city. I was over the moon at this point, but still very cautious as the pace of the relationship seemed to be moving so quickly and yet he seems perfectly comfortable with it.

 

The next 2 weeks were quite difficult, as he was working long days, was often tired, and we both missed each other terribly. We sent many messages/snapchats back and forth, and has daily phone calls (some of which turned quite steamy). Eventually it was decided that once he could go back home on a Friday, I would join him after in his city for the weekend. The day I was to come, I felt a bit off. I think I was sensing the reality of the situation and that it wasn't going to be so simple to start a new relationship long distance, and that at the pace it was moving at, it wasn't always matching in our actions. At times I would feel him pull away, and at times I would do the same. Regardless, I went to see him. The first day/night was great, we spent it totally together and I felt very close to him. The next day we stayed in for most of the day and then went out for dinner to celebrate our 'monthiversary'. The next day, we did some errands for his new place (he recently had to move out of the apartment he rented with his ex) and as we were doing that, he mentioned that he had signed a one year lease but that "he could probably still get out of it". I was confused, as early on in us talking he had mentioned moving to my city. Even last time he saw me he said he thought moving to my city was a better option than me moving to his even though I said I was indifferent to either option and would be able to move too (I'm in the process of finding another job anyway).

 

The rest of that visit did not go as well as the others. I began to pick up on his actions not matching his words and all the grand promises he made me, and I was beginning to see holes in our plan of being together. I regret having too much to drink and verbalizing these concerns. Before I knew it, in an effort to tone down the seriousness of the situation, he suggested we go and get some drugs, "to have a good time". I immediately protested and shared how that was not something I was interested in as my last boyfriend would dabble with drugs and I was worried how that would effect our relationship. Anyway, I thought we had agreed to go for dinner, but he had planned on getting the drugs first. At this point, I am drunk, scared he was acting like my ex, and upset. I regret how that came out, and after he introduced me to his friend/dealer, I lost it on him. I told him I was upset that he went to get the drugs, that he introduced me to someone I didn't want knowing me (I'm in a professional field), and that it didn't seem he was prioritizing my needs.

 

That night escalated to the point of me threatening to leave. I don't remember the whole night, but I'm sure at this point I was overreacting, and that nothing he could have said would have calmed me down. Eventually I sat down, realized I was overreacting and getting angry with him when it has more to do with my ex than him. I calmed down, explained myself, and apologized. He seemed upset himself, and said that some of my points were legitimate and that he wasn't sure if he was ready for this relationship. I immediately felt horrible for how I presented myself and said we could talk about it more tomorrow. The next day things seemed fine, but in an effort to counteract how I had been the night before, I was trying to be extra easy going. Later on in the day he asked if I would like some of the drugs (I had tried it before) and I said no initially, but then changed my mind and did some. We had a pretty good night after and then went to bed. The next day he has to work, and I was doing some work from his home. That day, he apologized for not being attentive enough to me, and that he felt he was a bad influence with the drugs. I told him it was my choice, but that I probably wouldn't be doing it again since I didn't want to overreact again.

 

We went for dinner, and went home. We went to bed early, and I told him I was going to be sad to leave the next day. He said he was too. The next morning, I noticed he wasn't as warm towards me as he usually is. I tried to brush it off, but even as we said goodbye, it wasn't as heartfelt as the last time. I tried not to think about it on the ride home, but it definitely seemed things were off between us. I got home, worked a long day, and noticed his messages (although still very sweet), were less frequent than before. Later that night, I asked him if everything was alright. He said he was beginning to realize the distance wouldn't be so easy to manage, and that he was feeling things were moving too fast. I agreed, and we talked about slowing things down.

 

I asked if he was planning on dating others while we cooled things down, he said he wasn't interested in others, just me. The next couple of days he was like night and day with me. He went from being so attentive and caring to rather cold and avoidant. Rather than let him be, a few days later I asked if there was someone he was interested in. I had noticed earlier his snapchat score was rising quickly even thought we weren't talking as much. Eventually he told me he has reinstalled tinder "just for fun" but there wasn't anyone in particular he was talking to. I was shocked, and realized that our little fantasy was unravelling. It has now been a few days since then, and after some prodding, he admitted that he felt he has been "infatuated with my looks before, but that seems to have disappeared now". I was devastated, even though I'm not sure I ever really believed his feelings could have been genuine for me. I had wanted everything he had offered before so much, I was so sad when I realized it wasn't going to happen. He said that he realized he wasn't ready for a relationship so soon after his last one after all, even though I had asked if he was sure he was many times and he had said he was before. I couldn't help thinking at this point the it was my fault for overreacting the other night that now he was scared away from a relationship with me.

 

My question is, was this doomed from the start (him future faking/fast forwarding)? Or could I have pushed him over the edge by scaring him away too soon?

[Cookiesandough]

It was doomed from the start.

[laelithia]

It was doomed from the start.

 

Thanks for the reply. Can you explain a bit how you knew that?

[Zahara]

My question is, was this doomed from the start (him future faking/fast forwarding)? Or could I have pushed him over the edge by scaring him away too soon?

 

Doomed from the start. Your gut was telling you from the get go there were red flags. You hardly knew this person and the drug issue was already a first sign that this was not a compatible match.

[Ronnys93]

Look into the anxious-avoidant trap.

 

You are the anxious

 

he is the avoidant.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to be honest, you need a stronger backbone and to listen to your instincts.

 

Yes, this had red flags written all over it and was doomed from the beginning. You referred to this as a "little fantasy" and that is a bang-on description. You two were fantasizing. A man who is serious about commitment and settling down is not going to be calling you "baby" and talking about moving in and having kids before he even meets you. That is someone who is trying to fill a void and getting caught up in a daydream, not someone who is making good decisions based on solid judgment. So, your initial wariness was your gut telling you this wasn't good.

 

Additionally, you need to get clear on your boundaries and not be a doormat to try to please someone. You were not happy about him buying drugs and were rightly concerned about being associated with people who use and deal. You see he's upset that you don't like it. So you turn around and try to be "extra easy-going" and take the drugs anyway? Girl! You are showing this guy you'll compromise your own values just so he'll like you. Not good, more so for yourself than for him. Remember that backbone I mentioned? Where did you leave it that weekend?

 

Please, listen to your instinct next time when something feels off. You two were making grand future plans, but you barely know each other. That is never smart. A month or two is nowhere near long enough to know what you need to know about someone before making the types of commitments you were both talking about. Now you're seeing why - you don't know this guy very well at all. My guess is he is rebounding in a big way and trying to fill the void left by his ex, what with all this insane future-talk. Those types of red-hot flings burn out quickly too. This one wasn't going to last.

 

Next time, slow way down. Let someone show you who they really are, and don't build a future with a relative stranger.

[laelithia]

OP, to be honest, you need a stronger backbone and to listen to your instincts.

 

Yes, this had red flags written all over it and was doomed from the beginning. You referred to this as a "little fantasy" and that is a bang-on description. You two were fantasizing. A man who is serious about commitment and settling down is not going to be calling you "baby" and talking about moving in and having kids before he even meets you. That is someone who is trying to fill a void and getting caught up in a daydream, not someone who is making good decisions based on solid judgment. So, your initial wariness was your gut telling you this wasn't good.

 

Additionally, you need to get clear on your boundaries and not be a doormat to try to please someone. You were not happy about him buying drugs and were rightly concerned about being associated with people who use and deal. You see he's upset that you don't like it. So you turn around and try to be "extra easy-going" and take the drugs anyway? Girl! You are showing this guy you'll compromise your own values just so he'll like you. Not good, more so for yourself than for him. Remember that backbone I mentioned? Where did you leave it that weekend?

 

Please, listen to your instinct next time when something feels off. You two were making grand future plans, but you barely know each other. That is never smart. A month or two is nowhere near long enough to know what you need to know about someone before making the types of commitments you were both talking about. Now you're seeing why - you don't know this guy very well at all. My guess is he is rebounding in a big way and trying to fill the void left by his ex, what with all this insane future-talk. Those types of red-hot flings burn out quickly too. This one wasn't going to last.

 

Next time, slow way down. Let someone show you who they really are, and don't build a future with a relative stranger.

 

You make a lot of really good points. I think the part that I am struggling with is feeling like I could have managed the situation better. I keep asking myself what would have happened if I had tried harder to slow down the pace, and managed my emotions (and my drinking...) to ensure that those blow ups didn't happen. One day I'll think it was for the best anyway, the next I blame myself and figure he wouldn't have done any of those negative things had I not blown up. Do you have an opinion on that matter?

[Cookiesandough]

-Tinder

-3 hour drive away

-Rebounding man

-love bombing/future faking

 

& if that was not enough, his confession: He was "infatuated with your looks before, but that seems to have faded." He was physically attracted to you, so he lied and acted as though he had interest in the commitment it takes to sustain a long-term relationship. It faded and he could not keep up the act.

 

Your"neediness" was only rightful insecurity stemming from his inconsistent behavior. Trust your gut feelings!

[laelithia]

-Tinder

-3 hour drive away

-Rebounding man

-love bombing/future faking

 

& if that was not enough, his confession: He was "infatuated with your looks before, but that seems to have faded." He was physically attracted to you, so he lied and acted as though he had interest in the commitment it takes to sustain a long-term relationship. It faded and he could not keep up the act.

 

Your"neediness" was only rightful insecurity stemming from his inconsistent behavior. Trust your instinct, everytime.

 

Thank you for your insight, I'm beginning to see this now too. Do you think in that case that nothing I could have done would have changed this outcome?

[Cookiesandough]

Nothing. I'm sorry.

[curiouslysearching]

-Tinder

-3 hour drive away

-Rebounding man

-love bombing/future faking

 

& if that was not enough, his confession: He was "infatuated with your looks before, but that seems to have faded." He was physically attracted to you, so he lied and acted as though he had interest in the commitment it takes to sustain a long-term relationship. It faded and he could not keep up the act.

 

Your"neediness" was only rightful insecurity stemming from his inconsistent behavior. Trust your gut feelings!

 

aside from Cookie described, it seemed perfect

[DontBreakEven]

ooooh boy. This sounds too much like my recent situation. Tinder, 3 hours away, one month out of relationship. Future faking not as much in my situation, as I was told it was casual from the start, but there was a lot of hint at it being something more.

 

Anyway, I agree that this was doomed from the start. It's not normal for someone to jump into something like that 1 month out of a relationship where they lived together.

[ExpatInItaly]

You make a lot of really good points. I think the part that I am struggling with is feeling like I could have managed the situation better. I keep asking myself what would have happened if I had tried harder to slow down the pace, and managed my emotions (and my drinking...) to ensure that those blow ups didn't happen. One day I'll think it was for the best anyway, the next I blame myself and figure he wouldn't have done any of those negative things had I not blown up. Do you have an opinion on that matter?

 

I don't think it would have changed a thing, no.

 

There were red flags a'flyin' from the beginning. Your blow-up only brought it to a quicker end, which is actually better. This is not something you would have wanted to invest any more time in because it wouldn't have ended well.

 

Again, you need to pay attention when your gut is warning you about someone. Why would you want to be with a guy who behaves like this one did, anyway?

[stillafool]

May I ask what type of drugs you guys were doing? This guy is into drugs and was probably drugged up when he was saying all the sweet stuff in the beginning. He probably wanted to get the drugs and you two have wild sex but instead you blew his high and he realized that you were not as compatible in the way he would like you to be.

[laelithia]

I don't think it would have changed a thing, no.

 

There were red flags a'flyin' from the beginning. Your blow-up only brought it to a quicker end, which is actually better. This is not something you would have wanted to invest any more time in because it wouldn't have ended well.

 

Again, you need to pay attention when your gut is warning you about someone. Why would you want to be with a guy who behaves like this one did, anyway?

 

 

I think you are right. To be honest, I have a history of falling for men like this. I see their potential rather than their current behaviour. My brain keeps saying "he's perfect for you" (we have many interests in common) "but he needs some work/maturing" and I take this as a challenge I think, or maybe what I believe I deserve.

[laelithia]

May I ask what type of drugs you guys were doing? This guy is into drugs and was probably drugged up when he was saying all the sweet stuff in the beginning. He probably wanted to get the drugs and you two have wild sex but instead you blew his high and he realized that you were not as compatible in the way he would like you to be.

 

It's a stimulant that is very common in my area among young professionals. He said he hasn't had any in a long time, but I remember when he was at my place he had some of my prescription medication (a stimulant used to treat ADHD) for fun. I'm assuming he likes to dabble more than he initially told me. I wasn't worried at first as he is required to get drug tested regularly for his work, but perhaps he just plans around that.

[preraph]

You need to stop committing to someone you don't even know! That's ridiculous.

[laelithia]

You need to stop committing to someone you don't even know! That's ridiculous.

 

I think I knew this... but I actually got carried away too. Now I'm wondering if this illustrates my own emotional unavailability to get involved with a situation like this. It just felt so nice while it lasted. I loved the idea of someone thinking about me all the time and showering me in attention. I knew it should take time, but I naively thought maybe this was really it, that it was moving fast because it was "meant to be".

[laelithia]

Look into the anxious-avoidant trap.

 

You are the anxious

 

he is the avoidant.

 

This sounds about right. I think the fact that he came on so heavy at first was initially attractive to me, but he quickly changed to avoidant and I panicked.

[Ronnys93]

This sounds about right. I think the fact that he came on so heavy at first was initially attractive to me, but he quickly changed to avoidant and I panicked.

 

Happens a lot. I was secure, and my ex was avoidant. I ended up becoming anxious trying to chase him which lead us down to our break up.

[laelithia]

I feel sort of ridiculous about the whole thing, but I can't help feeling like if he has taken the time to get to know me and vice versa something real could have developed. We are still in contact now, part of me wonders if I should just pull back a bit and see what happens. Another part of me thinks maybe it's best to cut him completely. I guess I'm sill waivering on if things could have been different had I slowed the pace down myself or if he would have just found someone else to have a "fantasy" with.

[Zahara]

I can't help feeling like if he has taken the time to get to know me and vice versa something real could have developed.

 

Avoidants find it hard to attach. There's always going to be a barrier that keeps you close but far enough to keep him comfortable. Besides, you have a 3 hour distance between you. He's just going to find someone closer and repeat the process.

 

We are still in contact now, part of me wonders if I should just pull back a bit and see what happens. Another part of me thinks maybe it's best to cut him completely. I guess I'm sill waivering on if things could have been different had I slowed the pace down myself or if he would have just found someone else to have a "fantasy" with.

 

It would be best to cut him completely. When it comes to avoidants there is no such thing as pace because at some point you're going to have to get closer and bridging that distance emotionally and becoming more vulnerable, is not something they want to do.

[divegrl]

OP I could be writing this exact post. I'm so sorry you went thru this!!!

 

Big hugs my friend!!!!!

[laelithia]

Avoidants find it hard to attach. There's always going to be a barrier that keeps you close but far enough to keep him comfortable. Besides, you have a 3 hour distance between you. He's just going to find someone closer and repeat the process.

 

 

 

It would be best to cut him completely. When it comes to avoidants there is no such thing as pace because at some point you're going to have to get closer and bridging that distance emotionally and becoming more vulnerable, is not something they want to do.

 

Part of me wonders if he really is an avoidant, he has been married in the past (although only 2 years) and has had a few long term relationships. I suppose none of them have lasted longer than a few years. I feel I'm more confused with this whole situation more than upset. I'm thinking it has a lot to do with my own behaviour and why I'm attracted to these men even though I feel I want a serious, committed relationship.

[laelithia]

OP I could be writing this exact post. I'm so sorry you went thru this!!!

 

Big hugs my friend!!!!!

 

Thank you! How are you doing with your situation?