Fell for a friend that's bi I'm lost

[New2accepting]

Small back story I have been bi make for as long as I can remember within the last 4-5 years I feel I am more attracted to guys than girls. I am still not out to anyone except a close friend. I have been friends with this guy for about 3 years and have hung out a few times through the years we live 3.5 hrs apart but I work at the plant he works at as well as other plants around where he lives. He works full time at this plant and every once in a while he gets to travel to another plant. I have been attracted to him since I first met him.

 

Ok February of this year we were both at a plant working together and had a night off so we went out for drinks and gambling we had talked all night he had said when this relationship with his gf is over he is just gonna be single. I told him about my ex and said I told her I was gay to make a clean break not a lie and she was a crazy for sure. Well he asks a couple hours later before we go into another bar so your gay or told your ex gf. I replied I told her I was and he picked up on the fact that I never said I wasn't.

So we get back to his rental where he has roommates that are in bed so we go outside on the patio have a couple drinks and talk some more and things like size grooming techniques ever shaved ass and just flirty talk I said I just ate pineapple and that makes your cum sweeter he said guess I'll find out soon I replied yes you will. Then some more flirty talk and he says you ready for bed I say yea and follow him to his room we strip to our underwear climb in bed he spoons me and puts his arm over me then whispers in my ear gonna let me feel those big balls. I put his hand on them he fondled for a min then climbed down and went to town we swapped then decided on a hotel so we could have freedom n not worry about waking people up.

We get a room and make love for 4 hrs was the best making out kissing licking everything he was even inside me. He said he wasn't ready to take it back there and he wanted to go slow. I said that's fine we continued and talked a lot he asked if I would date a guy I asked him we both said yes. He asked about the guys I had been with I said 2 he said 3 one in high school 2 in college none in the last 4 years. The next morning 2 more hrs of making love and we showered and went to work he texted me after work n we went back n forth he said that was the best connection he had ever experienced I agreed we connected on so many levels everything just seemed right and good like we belonged together we were together 2 more times.

 

Then our job ended and we went to our homes we were still texting sexy stuff and even nude pics and body pics that ended when he went and spent the weekend with his gf he stopped the texts wouldn't respond to all mine I knew something wasn't right I was working long nights so I limited my textes then finally about 2 weeks ago I texted him n asked if he was having second thoughts about us he replied yea n he felt bad for his gf. I tried asking him other questions but he wouldn't reply so I gave it about 5 days and I was already crushed I called my mom n told her everything not sure if she knew before or had an idea. I was hurt and confused so day 5 I texted him n asked if things were going anywhere with us or did he just want to be friends he said friends and that he didn't feel good about what he had done to her. I said ok and asked a couple ? He didn't respond so I was crushed and it's been 2 weeks now and I am just lost he won't msg me but if I msg him he will reply but with short answers I really feel we are meant to be together and we both felt like it was right and everything was just right between us we both felt like this. I think he is struggling with the fact he is gay bi whatever and isn't ready for what comes next and the fact he is a real popular person sports in school and a frat in college he has a lot of friends and already said he would loose some. Plus his brother is gay and out to his family. I thought this might make it easier for him. He is always doing something on the run and does a lot with his gf. Why doesn't he text me and why so small replies it's even less than before we got together. Is he having a hard time like I am I wake up thinking about him n go to bed thinking about him.

I am just so lost right now I wanna reach out n ask what's up why don't you msg me and what's with the short replies something just doesn't feel right. I am trying to give him space but I don't want him to forget what we had. He is a few years younger and I was right around his age when I came to accept to myself who I was.

[EmilyJane]

I'm so sorry you are hurting sweetheart, I think you might know really that this isn't about you. He's in a mess and he just isn't ready for someone like you yet.

 

The best I can advise is to stop contacting him. Give him time to work out what he's done and who he is. He's cheated on his girlfriend with you but still loves her so he's clearly not ready to deal with the fact that he not only cheated on her but with a dude. He is not at all ready for that fact to become widely known. That is no reflection on you.

 

Just pull the slow fade on him. That is what he is doing to you.

 

Never contact him unless he contacts you first.

 

I'm sorry. He might want to have sex with you again if you're not hanging around trying to contact him but I think there is little chance for dating each other for a long time.

 

His relationship is on it's last legs. Just leave him alone to deal with that. He might be in part protecting you. You need to leave him alone, this is going to take 3months minimum.

Edited April 25, 2017 by EmilyJane

[New2accepting]

That seems to be what most people have said is to stop contacting him. I just can't seem to help myself and especially because I can't seem to stop thinking of him and not just the sex in which was the best I had ever had just talking to him and spending time with him. I'm just so lost still. I am sad right now I feel like if I keep in touch with him he won't be able to forget about me. I am just starting to realize that he might be just as lost as I am and trying to sort things out in his head. Which makes me want to contact him even more. I guess I thought we would still be in contact even a little as friends but he hasn't texted me at all unless I text him first

 

I just feel so hopeless and life just doesn't make sense anymore. Just so much hurt and pain. I thought I had dealt with enough for one lifetime but it just keeps going on and how much can I actually take before I snap or just loose it. All I want is to be happy

[EmilyJane]

That seems to be what most people have said is to stop contacting him. I just can't seem to help myself and especially because I can't seem to stop thinking of him and not just the sex in which was the best I had ever had just talking to him and spending time with him. I'm just so lost still. I am sad right now I feel like if I keep in touch with him he won't be able to forget about me. I am just starting to realize that he might be just as lost as I am and trying to sort things out in his head. Which makes me want to contact him even more. I guess I thought we would still be in contact even a little as friends but he hasn't texted me at all unless I text him first

 

I just feel so hopeless and life just doesn't make sense anymore. Just so much hurt and pain. I thought I had dealt with enough for one lifetime but it just keeps going on and how much can I actually take before I snap or just loose it. All I want is to be happy

 

It does not last. The despair you are feeling.

 

But if it goes on too long or you really feel you can't cope you need to go and see your doctor.

 

Everyone has trouble ceasing contact. In this case if you do not stop contacting him you will drive him away for good. He will not want anything to do with someone who needs so much from him. You were not an established couple yet and he is no where near ready to be. He does not want to talk to you or he would be reaching out. He is just being polite when he responds.

 

He does not want you.

 

You need to protect yourself from your impulses and remove the means to contact him, delete or block his social media and delete his phone number.

 

Then you need to work on making your life happy and full without a partner.

 

It is ok to be sad. But worrying that he will forget you if you don't badger him is not healthy.

 

It is his loss. He does not have his **** sorted and he's a cheater and he's firmly in the closet. He is not all that honey.

 

Instead switch your thinking. He's missed out on someone loving and amazing. If he can forget that so easily he's not even worth your tears.

 

It's going to be ok gorgeous, but you have to help me get you through this by trying really hard to do what I suggest.

 

1. Delete the means to contact him because will power is not going to work

2 See your doctor as I'm worried about your wellbeing and the possibility you've triggered depression

3. When you find yourself thinking about how he might forget you switch your thinking

4. When you need to cry then just cry knowing that the pain will ebb,

5. Build more healthy things into your life to get you through this period. Hobbies, social activities, volunteering, friends, family.

Edited April 26, 2017 by EmilyJane

[New2accepting]

It's sad that I didn't see this. He doesn't want to talk to me that hurts but hadn't thought of it like that. I have always had depression ever since I was young and haven't been able to find anything that helps so I am aggravated to a whole new level in itself i have been to a psychiatric and changing meds as far as counseling I can't receive it till I get done with work next month I plan on it. I am feeling like I need a change in life I just don't know how as of yet. It's the downtime after or before work I just have too much time to think and replay things in my mind and look at the future. I want mine to be with him it doesn't have to be right now but he is the only one I have ever felt like this I know I have to stop texting him and never thought of him just replying to be polite. He is the one that initiated everything that's why I guess I thought he was more ready than he was. Thanks for the advice and I thought of deleting everything but I won't and I know I should but not ready for that. I just have to work on my thoughts and hearing he doesn't want to talk to me although hurts it kinda pisses me off too and maybe that's what I needed to hear. I know I'll be ok don't know when and not even sure that I won't go off the deep end but I'll make it I'm just going to be extremely damaged goods and keeps getting worse over the years. I feel like my life just sucks horribly but it's mine and I have to make die with it

[EmilyJane]

It's sad that I didn't see this. He doesn't want to talk to me that hurts but hadn't thought of it like that. I have always had depression ever since I was young and haven't been able to find anything that helps so I am aggravated to a whole new level in itself i have been to a psychiatric and changing meds as far as counseling I can't receive it till I get done with work next month I plan on it. I am feeling like I need a change in life I just don't know how as of yet. It's the downtime after or before work I just have too much time to think and replay things in my mind and look at the future. I want mine to be with him it doesn't have to be right now but he is the only one I have ever felt like this I know I have to stop texting him and never thought of him just replying to be polite. He is the one that initiated everything that's why I guess I thought he was more ready than he was. Thanks for the advice and I thought of deleting everything but I won't and I know I should but not ready for that. I just have to work on my thoughts and hearing he doesn't want to talk to me although hurts it kinda pisses me off too and maybe that's what I needed to hear. I know I'll be ok don't know when and not even sure that I won't go off the deep end but I'll make it I'm just going to be extremely damaged goods and keeps getting worse over the years. I feel like my life just sucks horribly but it's mine and I have to make die with it

 

I've suffered depression most of my life too. I sure didn't let that stop me from anything at all. I did CBT when in my early twenties and haven't been medicated since.

 

It is not a life sentence. But it is hard work, you have to want it really badly and it will always be there waiting for you during life transitions and other stressors.

 

I think you might have felt this guy would fix how you felt about your future which is why it's hitting you so hard. Depression is a tragic illness for weighing you down with hopelessness. But that is not his job. You need to build a future you look forward to for yourself brick by brick.

 

You will feel this way about someone else. But next time you need to not sleep with men to get their love or because what you want is a relationship. Don't go near anyone in a relationship with anyone else and certainly not anyone who isn't out. Make them earn your trust before you sleep with them, don't expect relationships and love from hook ups. It does not work like that for most people. And you are one of the few that is capable of deep love and sustaining emotional intimacy, that is a highly sought after quality and makes you special. Do not sleep with someone you want more from until you've been out on dates together and have had the exclusive talk. Your heart is precious and you get to screen candidates and make them wait to earn your trust.

 

I think you also need to get way more active in the LGBT community. Meet people that get you and can help you on your journey to self acceptance because they have actually accepted themselves and their sexuality. This guy has not and you are suffering because of it. He acts like he's ashamed of his own sexuality and by extension it's like he's ashamed of you. That is not ok. You are a much stronger person than he is.

 

I've been involved in the community here as an ally (which is what they call straight actively supportive friends and family for many years here), most recently to rally for gay marriage -- and it is a thriving happy positive group of very empathetic accepting supportive people on the whole. There is always something to go to, drinks, meetings, lectures, parties. I really think that these are your people. You sound so isolated and it makes me sad. Google groups in your area and on Facebook and online communities. There is a place where you belong and are wanted.

 

I think that you fell so hard for this guy not only because of what he seemed to offer but because it was maybe the first guy since you've matured into a new level of self awareness and acceptance of your sexuality. So, I think in the long run you are going to look back on this time as a cornerstone in your life: when you realised what you really most very much wanted for yourself; a stable sexy loving relationship with a man.

 

So getting more involved with community is going to bring you into contact with many lovely men and women who have embraced their sexuality, and one of them will be someone special sooner or later. And what you have with them will make this seem so shallow and empty by comparison.

 

Your job now is to get you and your life ready for this person. You need to really get on your own side now and work in your health and build your life into a full interesting one - so that it is happy and fufilling without anyone special, so that when that person turns up you are in a good place and your life will be something they want to join in on.

 

I think this time is also pivotal because it's going to be the catalyst for when you fought so hard for yourself that you beat depression.

 

And congratulations on telling your mum, that is fantastic and takes immense courage. Way to go on coming out. All by yourself with no support while in incredible pain.

 

You are brave and strong and now is the time to fight in a constructive way.

 

This guy is not worth even ten of you. You are not the first to fall for someone who couldn't offer what they seemed who pursued you hard. But you will learn from it, about yourself and what you want and how to get it.

 

If it helps I feel relationship break ups as deeply as you do,I grieve horribly hard - that is what you are doing you know, grieving the loss of what you thought this guy offered and your hopes for the future, you know this is over deep down which is why you are reacting like this. What I have learnt about myself is that I am of extremely high emotional intelligence and this horribly painful extreme grief process I go through is actually me processing a loss emotionally extremely fast and very healthily.

 

This is over. With this guy. It is over. He is not coming back right now and honestly i think it would be a blessing for you if he never did. He is messed up in a way that you are not.

 

Delete those numbers. Give it to your mum first so that you can call him if you really need to. Set yourself the goal of six weeks to start with, six weeks without contacting him. Every day do one thing for your wellbeing happiness and a good future for yourself.

 

And if it helps, I want to talk to you, because of your honesty courage intelligence and emotional availability, so so so many other people will want to too. Stuff this closeted repressed sexually confused cheater. You can do better.

 

Those before and after hours everyone has trouble with after something like this, if you can't do anything else come on here and find one thread where you might be able to help someone by offering your perspective, it helps to help.

Edited April 26, 2017 by EmilyJane

[loverboy69]

Hey New2accepting:

 

I'm gay too although I used to date both men and women.

 

Gay/straight whatever... it hurts when we get out hearts broken. It's something we all go through.

 

Sometimes as gay men the sting feels that much more pronounced because even though it's so easy to get laid finding that amazing partner we want to date seems especially hard between two men.

 

It's gonna hurt. Some days really bad and other days not so much. I've had my heart broken too believe me. But you know what? It will go away and if you are like me it always seems to happen when I discover that I'm falling for someone new.... I've gone through this probably 4 times and I'm in my mid 30's now.

 

My first gay heartbreak was a learning experience. Unfortunately for me I had nobody to talk to and I held it inside which made things worse and caused me to grief for over a year. Now that I look back I can laugh at it and I scratch my head wondering what I ever saw in that guy haha.

 

Just like the man you are grieving over my first heartbreak with a guy was also a cheater. I was young at the time and blindly in love. Now I've developed a no nonsense approach and any man who would cheat on their significant other for me will never have me. If they cheat on them they'll cheat on me. I always keep that in the back of my mind.

 

Chin up. Remember you're not alone. Come back and chat with us anytime you need someone to talk to. That's what the community is here for.

[Gillys]

I'm bi as well and so is my ex (my first love and the woman who drove me to this site).

Like you, I came out to my mom after getting my heart crushed and trying to deal with the pain.

 

I know it feels like you should keep contacting this guy but I can tell you from experience it makes things worse.

 

My ex suddenly decided after over a year together she couldn't deal with her family's rejection if everyone found out she was bi (she told one family member about us who convinced her that our love couldn't be "real") and she dumped me via text a week later. We ended up being FWB for a while until she found a guy with her religious beliefs. Keeping this contact with her and finding out she was dating someone else, falling in love with someone else, desiring to start a life with someone else, etc. felt like a multiple breakups as their relationship progressed. I kept chasing to a point to where she eventually did the hot/cold thing with me which hurt even more.

I guess I'm telling you all this so you will try to resist contacting him. I think it will just cause you deeper pain and prolong the pain.

[New2accepting]

I really appreciate all the support and insight. My moods have been up and down sad depressed hurt and angry. I am mostly just confused and lost. He initiated this and maybe he just thought of it as a hookup which that's all that I thought too at first but we connected on so many levels and our comfort level was Amazon. I hate how it ended him hardly texting me and only short answers why not just tell me how he felt I shouldn't of had to ask if he was having second thoughts. Maybe he was fighting the decision idk only he knows. Why does he no longer look at my Snapchat updates or text me does he really not care. Not want to talk to me. Feels guilty. I send a comical pic or video from Facebook to him as well as other friends they all msg back something he says nothing. I know only he knows but it is really pissing me off. I hate feeling like this I know it'll pass but it just sucks. I'm trying to be understanding in the fact he might be fighting with this himself and trying to forget and move on. I would love to be able to tell him you prefer to be with men more just accept that and life will feel a little easier but that's something he has too accept himself took me years and when I finally did I became at peace with myself. I honestly didn't think I would ever find a guy I actually liked and was attracted to but I did we found each other. it was just a bad situation as he described it. Well that's what he said he's in now.

I guess I thought he had accepted who he was guess not. The feeling I felt while with him and not just the sex but the companionship was the best feeling ever but to have it ripped away sucks and makes you wonder why do I keep doing this to myself. He is in such great shape and very attractive to me and I'm a big guy and to have him attracted to me felt Amazon I finally felt wanted for who I was. Just sucks flat out sucks. I didn't want to date a full blown gay guy who was out to the world because I'm not and I'm taking small steps. I wasn't ready to tell anyone until I met someone but that changed when I was hurt I talked to my mom. She has been great but she doesn't think this is something I may want forever maybe it's a little denial on her part idk.

[New2accepting]

Sorry that was long I didn't intend for that if I had I would have broken it up a bit. But I just started writing

[New2accepting]

I guess I can say time is helping and working is a good distraction. I do feel a little better haven't really been angry this week guess I am accepting the situation. Still sucks because for once in many years I actually felt happy for a change which was really nice. I still send him a text here n there and nothing has changed on that front he replies with short messages. I want to ask what's up with that but I don't want to push. I would like to be able to get back to the friend front guess he isn't ready for that yet if at all. I still miss him and talking to him. Another post said (he doesn't want to talk to you) that hurt and pissed me off he did this not me. However that's life and I know I need to accept that and I am trying. I still want him in every way I do miss the sex. I need to find some and I will again it's really amazing what one night in bed can do for you. I can't say I don't want to find anyone else and it felt hopeless at first and probably will again but for now it sucks

It has helped talking about it even just here. I guess I need to vent and get this off my chest.

 

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I think I have made progress overall. I'll never forget this or what has happened and that's another scar on me I will live with