linzartrax Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 (edited) Ex and I broke up about 8 months ago after 3.5 years together. Was tumultuous in the end. I'm sober now. He's not, probably never will be. But we could not communicate, at all. He was gone a lot for work. Started to neglect our relationship. I got really mad, depressed and angry over it all. We drew out the no contact thing. I feel I embarrassed myself through out the months after the breakup trying to make amends and then saying some thing, overreacting, trying to get a reaction from his dead silence and then mixed signals. He just knows how to make me mad and feel defensive. I finally got the last of my things from the apartment we shared (and he stayed in) a few weeks ago. Told him I didn't want to talk to him again. Told him I was heart broken because he had been so silent and never apologized for anything. Also stated I believed what he did to me for a lot of the relationship may be considered emotional abuse. This got no response, unsurprisingly and also I am finally letting go and moving on fully. So - he is traveling with his sort of job for the next 4 months and has plans to move to a certain city in September (so he says...I have a feeling things could change, he's quite spontaneous). The city I am currently in totally blows, I hate it, and have hated it for the 2 years I've been here. I moved here because I needed a change, but it has not been what I expected. I've never felt this way in a city and I've lived a good number of places. Nothing has worked out here, situation after situation is falling through. It has been a rough 2 years for me and I have remained pretty damn positive and feel like I have given it my all and many chances to turn things around, but something has to give here. 2 weeks ago, I went on a magnificent trip to the city that my ex is planning to move to. This trip was planned shortly after the breakup for my birthday with my best friends. I can't remember if my ex had told me he was moving there yet or not, honestly, wouldn't have mattered because I have always wanted to go to this city. Honestly, it offers everything I thought the current city I'm in would be like. And it seems a bit more affordable and accessible! I seriously fell in love with this city and several people (a couple of strangers and my friends) said they could so easily see me living there, that I fit right in - which was so rewarding to hear because I have not felt like I fit in at ALL in the smaller city I'm in now. Seriously, it has been a HARD 2 years. So - I'm freaking out. Taking a lot of days and time to think about what I really want. And is that new big west coast city what I want? If so, what are my motives for moving there? And dude, if my ex found out I was moving there, he would think I was a creepy stalker from hell and would absolutely swear I was insane (if he doesn't already). My thought is that I would keep it really quiet, not post it on social media, tell next to no one and if someone knows who knows him, I would ask they just not mention it to him. I really do not want to see him or reconnect in anyway. Ughhh.... Why'd he have to go and pick the most magnificent perfect city for me too? Should I just live my life as if he is not a factor (because in reality, that's the truth!). And of course, I wonder what our mutual friends would think....but I really am too old to be caring what other people think of me. Edited April 20, 2017 by linzartrax Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 If you truly want to live there, move. However, I'd advise you to seriously not reach out to your ex about it because it WILL look like you are being a creepy stalker trying to get back with him. Don't use these other blown out of proportioned reasons to move there either, make sure it's really because you want to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author linzartrax Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 Don't use these other blown out of proportioned reasons to move there either, make sure it's really because you want to. What's blown out of proportion? I'm not being defensive, I just want some perspective. Thank you for your response! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 What's blown out of proportion? I'm not being defensive, I just want some perspective. Thank you for your response! I think blown out of proportion was the wrong term. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what makes you think that THIS city wont be as bad as the city that you currently live in? Are you sure you're doing this because you actually want to move to that city or because you kind of know that your ex will be around for a chance at reconciliation? You could be using that thought to fuel your desires of the city being all that great. If you really think it's for you, take another visit out there, maybe take 2. See if it's what you really really want. You don't want to get stuck again in another city that you don't like, and if your motives aren't clear before you get there, you may get yourself hurt too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author linzartrax Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 SO right on the money with that answer. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 You're broken up. Your lives are seperate now. Go live your life and he can live his, wherever that may be. Who cares what he thinks - you both have new lives now. Just be certain in your motives and do more research so you know what you are getting and don't repeat what happened with your ideal dream town last time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 There are nearly 20,000 towns in the U.S. alone. Just sayin'. Pick one less complicated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 I think it's sad that you feel you'd have to hide this exciting new phase from social media just in case he might see it. Instead of hiding your plans, unfriend and block him (if you haven't already) and unfriend anyone who might tell him stuff about you. I also think you're spending far too much time worrying about what he may think. He's your ex. Repeat after me "I don't give a @#$% what he thinks" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 I think it's sad that you feel you'd have to hide this exciting new phase from social media just in case he might see it. Instead of hiding your plans, unfriend and block him (if you haven't already) and unfriend anyone who might tell him stuff about you. I also think you're spending far too much time worrying about what he may think. He's your ex. Repeat after me "I don't give a @#$% what he thinks" And see, these are the reasons why I think the OPs motive for moving are EX related. I don't think it's conscious but more of a subconscious excuse to move there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OptimismHopeTrust Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Mmmm, this is a tough one....I can't suggest with as much confidence as others that it would be OK to move to the same city. You shared that you went through a tough time with the break-up. It sounds like you experienced a lot of pain and may still have some pain to work through. I would take some time to think this through. You might want to consider talking with a professional counselor to explore what you are and are not feeling. You may want to consult trusted family or friends. I am not suggesting that you should not go.....I am just suggesting that you take time to really think this through. Often, it is not the PLACE that makes us happy or brings peace, but rather a shift inside our hearts that makes all the difference. Just think it through and do it for the right reasons.....you owe yourself that. And since you said you are now sober now, and I am sure that is really important to you, make sure you have the support you need to protect your sobriety. You have already gone through a lot of change.....so you want to make sure you are ready to handle additional change. I wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Do you actually have a job offer there? If so, go for it. If not, don't. Moving anywhere without a job is naive at best and life-sabotaging at worst. Furthermore why can he see anything you do on social media? If you truly have no desire to engage with him ever again he should be blocked on every site. I have to agree with the others that you sound a little disingenuous here. I'm not convinced you have pure motives with this. And if you can't convince a stranger on the Internet, the people you know in real life are unlikely to buy it either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Good for you for getting sober. If you want to move, move. Just make sure you are moving because you want to live in the new place, not because your EX is there. Do not tell your EX you are moving. What does your AA sponsor say about this move? If you don't have one, get one before you relocate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIvy Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 If you really wanna move there for YOURSELF, then go there. If you are going there to low key wish that you guys can re-connect, reconsider because you will just end up being a fool for someone who seems to be over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 (edited) can't delete this Edited April 21, 2017 by whatnot Link to post Share on other sites
Author linzartrax Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 Repeat after me "I don't give a @#$% what he thinks" Seriously need to get better at this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author linzartrax Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 This is the best answer. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 I'm with d0nnivain on this. Have you been sober for a year yet? If not, maybe hold off and take more time to investigate, get a job offer, find out what the sober support system is there, really set yourself up for success. Getting sober and having that sort of breakup in the last 8 months is a lot of life change already. But if you take your time to decide and the city is actually "big", as you mentioned, there's no reason to think you'd ever really see him or have to explain yourself. My friend's ex did this once after he moved away. It was a big city that she'd previously said she'd never go to, she never told him, he found out through a friend. He thought it was weird, but she never once contacted him and he never once saw her -- actions proved the move clearly wasn't about him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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