Sentimental about ex girlfriend, who I dumped

[Toby77]

I feel so sad right now, have been having a very physical heartache and waking up too early for nine months.

 

I broke up with my ex girlfriend a little more than a year ago, because of issues we had, not because I didn't love her anymore. We had been together for almost four years and practically lived together. She kept in touch often for three months after the breakup, calling or texting 3-4 times a week, but we only saw each other twice in that period. I was hoping for reconciliation, so I didn't go NC but I never initiated contact either, although I was mostly friendly and supportive when she called or texted me. I have reason to believe she was hoping for reconciliation also, at least during the first two months of that period, and wasn't calling me entirely just to wean herself off of me.

 

After three months of being broken up, we had a huge argument in which very harsh words were spoken (mostly by me, I said some awful things that I regret now) and there was no getting back from that.

 

Some weeks later, I learned that she was with a new guy, someone that she had been lining up all along. I became very disappointed in her, off course. It's not technically infidelity, I was also the one to break up, but she had been the one contacting me for three months and we were still very close, so I believe it was a moral obligation on her part to tell me about the new guy.

 

Since then (July '16) I've called her twice and texted her twice, just to talk, not to get back together, as I felt a lot of guilt for driving her away but also disappointment in her for emotionally cheating and overlapping. She took the calls but ignored my texts. Last time I reached out, a month ago, she went off at me for an hour; guilt-tripping, bragging about her new life, listing many idiotic things that I had said and done for almost four years, told me not to even say hi if I ever saw her out, that she regrets staying for so long, that she can't see some common friends anymore because they are still friends of mine, that I was the one to break up so why did I call, that I had done everything to not make her stay, etc. She also remembered details about what had gone down during our last months, which gave me the impression that she had been given it a lot of thought.

 

I don't get it, why is she so hateful and regrets the relationship? She implied that she felt monitored and stalked, but I really don't think I've given her reason to fear me, nor have I called her excessively. She knows who I am and that I only wanted to talk. She could just have blocked me or told me off in five seconds instead of staying on the phone for an hour. And what's all that "Don't say hi if you see me around"/"I can't see them because they're your friends also" about? Her trying to erase everything that has to do with me seems over the top. I'm not trying to be "friends", but still? Off course, after our last conversation, I'll leave her alone. I'm disappointed with her and myself, with myself for not working on it harder and being too tough on her.

 

I still think about this a lot. Why would a woman stay in touch with an ex, who dumped her, for three months? The reason she didn't get with the new guy earlier is that he lives abroad, but still? Clinging to an ex who does nothing to reconcile while waiting to get with the new guy? Is it THAT important for some women to have someone as an emotional crutch, even if it's an ex that you're not in love with anymore? And why insist so hysterically about us not staying in touch now? I just wanted to talk and be able to forgive us both, it's not like I believe we're going to get back together. That ship has sailed, but I'm so sad about HOW it all ended. Had she come clean from the beginning, I would have said: "Fair enough, us didn't work out so you had to move on, I still cherish what we had though.". Who was I with?

[BC1980]

Getting dumped can do a number on you. It sounds like she was very hurt that you left her and lashed out. Who knows if she meant any of it? The truth is that most relationships don't end on good terms. That's a lie someone came up with. They usually end with immense amounts of hurt, and it's usually not possible to fix that. It's one of the weirdest things I've experienced in my life. A person who once gave you happiness becomes an agent of immense pain. And that bad taste is always there.

 

Maybe years down the line when you're both less emotional, perhaps feelings will soften.

[Toby77]

Getting dumped can do a number on you. It sounds like she was very hurt that you left her and lashed out. Who knows if she meant any of it? The truth is that most relationships don't end on good terms. That's a lie someone came up with. They usually end with immense amounts of hurt, and it's usually not possible to fix that. It's one of the weirdest things I've experienced in my life. A person who once gave you happiness becomes an agent of immense pain. And that bad taste is always there.

 

Maybe years down the line when you're both less emotional, perhaps feelings will soften.

I certainly hope so. Thank you for your comment!

[BC1980]

I certainly hope so. Thank you for your comment!

 

You're welcome. I know it hurts, but I wouldn't take her comments that seriously. People say a lot of things when they are hurting and emotional. A lot of things they come to regret later, and, when feelings die down, they don't feel the same way. I think that's why it's best not to stay in contact with an ex after a breakup. Emotions run high on both sides, and people are likely to say a lot of things they don't mean. People need to get a lot of distance and perspective after a breakup. Feelings soften with distance and perspectives change. I hated my ex for 2 years after our breakup, but I don't feel that way anymore. I think it's just part of the grieving process we all have to go through.

[Toby77]

I think it's just part of the grieving process we all have to go through.

 

What's there to grieve about though, in her case? She says she loves this new guy and that I treated her poorly (I had been very insensitive and condescending without wanting to/realizing and have learned a lot from this), so why lash out like that? If I had an ex that I fell out of love with, and that I realized was no good, I'd be mad at myself but I would never ever stay on the phone for an hour trying to explain to her just how p----- off I was. I'd just say: "Look, I'm embarrassed that I misjudged you. Don't call me again! Bye!". If she's happy now with this new guy, then to her it's all good and well, right?

 

To me, a person who acts like she does is either in denial, goes on the rebound and still has feelings that she wants to bury, or, she's just an superficial and selfish person that overlaps, has no moral code and serious ego issues that make her have to have her say, even if she doesn't care about me anymore.

 

If the former, then I'm an idiot for blowing it all and I can sit here with my regrets, justifiable so. If the latter, then I'm an idiot for staying all this time with a love addict that never really loved me but got crazy about me because I didn't fell for her as hard as she fell for me, someone that would have cheated earlier had I not been such a hard case. I don't know which one is worse, regrets for not realizing what I had or regrets for not realizing what I didn't have.

[BC1980]

What's there to grieve about though, in her case? She says she loves this new guy and that I treated her poorly (I had been very insensitive and condescending without wanting to/realizing and have learned a lot from this), so why lash out like that? If I had an ex that I fell out of love with, and that I realized was no good, I'd be mad at myself but I would never ever stay on the phone for an hour trying to explain to her just how p----- off I was. I'd just say: "Look, I'm embarrassed that I misjudged you. Don't call me again! Bye!". If she's happy now with this new guy, then to her it's all good and well, right?

 

To me, a person who acts like she does is either in denial, goes on the rebound and still has feelings that she wants to bury, or, she's just an superficial and selfish person that overlaps, has no moral code and serious ego issues that make her have to have her say, even if she doesn't care about me anymore.

 

If the former, then I'm an idiot for blowing it all and I can sit here with my regrets, justifiable so. If the latter, then I'm an idiot for staying all this time with a love addict that never really loved me but got crazy about me because I didn't fell for her as hard as she fell for me, someone that would have cheated earlier had I not been such a hard case. I don't know which one is worse, regrets for not realizing what I had or regrets for not realizing what I didn't have.

 

I won't say everyone grieves the loss of a relationship, but most people do. To varying degrees of course. I think that if the relationship meant anything at all to her, she is grieving in some way. Being together 4 years warrants some type of grief. I think she is being hateful as a way to validate why the relationship is over. Since it was not her decision to end it, she has to assert power in some way.

 

It seems like there was a lot of pain and hurt surrounding the end of the this relationship on both sides. She got with another guy so soon, and that hurt you of course. People act crazy after breakups, so I would say give some leeway. You also said some hurtful things that I'm sure you now regret.

[SpecialJ]

I don't think you're being fair to her at all, though you don't have to be because you've been broken up for a long time now and shouldn't be doing anything but putting yourself and healing first (at least if you don't want to reconcile), while learning from your mistakes.

 

Sounds to me like she did think that you continuing to talk to her at the beginning gave hope for reconciliation, but when it wasn't going that way, she started taking another guy more seriously because... why not? Talking to him may have made her feel better and you dumped her. She had no obligation to tell you what was happening in her life if you were not actually trying to reconcile with her. She was upset, disappointed, probably felt a huge hit to her self esteem from being dumped, and was coping. That is why you had a fight after 3 months. The tenuous conversation without trying to reconcile was not sustainable when she still had strong feelings.

 

What's the next mourning phase? Anger. Maybe she didn't show it for months, and now that's how she feels, and her way of expressing it was to communicate it to you for an hour. Maybe you listening gave her some closure, so maybe that was the nice thing for you to do, I don't know. But I'm not sure why you're faulting her for not wanting to be on civil terms with you just because YOU want that and are ready when she is clearly not.

 

It just sounds to me like you really, really hurt her and are being selfish by projecting how you think she should feel and act in response to you dumping her. If you don't want to reconcile, leave her alone and let her live her life. Put your ego aside.

 

I also suspect that she's saying this stuff now because after the breakup wasn't the first time you projected on her / were possibly controlling, and with time and processing she has seen that and resents allowing you to do that to her and that she compromised herself for you in the past.

Edited April 23, 2017 by SpecialJ

[Bromeo]

I won't say everyone grieves the loss of a relationship, but most people do. To varying degrees of course. I think that if the relationship meant anything at all to her, she is grieving in some way. Being together 4 years warrants some type of grief. I think she is being hateful as a way to validate why the relationship is over. Since it was not her decision to end it, she has to assert power in some way.

 

It seems like there was a lot of pain and hurt surrounding the end of the this relationship on both sides. She got with another guy so soon, and that hurt you of course. People act crazy after breakups, so I would say give some leeway. You also said some hurtful things that I'm sure you now regret.

 

Agreed. I got blasted in my breakup. I acted crazy, and it's taken me several months to come to terms with it.

 

Mine was different. She played push pull until I thought I would go nuts. I had to cut it off. Each time I'd back off due to her pushing me away, she'd try and reel me back in.

 

However, I don't regret what I said or did. Mostly it was me chasing, asking for closure, and trying to win her back.

 

It's really a lose-lose for the dumpee. I still wonder sometimes if cutting mine off was the right idea. It's been 3 months rock solid no contact, and I'm way, way better than I was. However, nowadays I do regret the two years of my life that I lost, and the friend who abandoned me.

 

If you didn't stalk, and your account of the events is accurate, she was just lashing out to hurt you.

 

Stay nc, and let the emotions drain out.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Bromeo

[SpecialJ]

 

To me, a person who acts like she does is either in denial, goes on the rebound and still has feelings that she wants to bury, or, she's just an superficial and selfish person that overlaps, has no moral code and serious ego issues that make her have to have her say, even if she doesn't care about me anymore.

 

 

Also, YOU called her. She already had you on the phone and had the opportunity to tell you how she felt, so she did. She did NOT call you just to unload anger on you, so this was not about having her say at your expense.

 

And she can care about her new guy and still have baggage around a 4 year relationship that sounded like it didn't end well, no matter what her feelings are for you at this point. She never overlapped, because you never said you might want to reconcile and she can't read your mind. All the advice on this board to dumpees is you have to let the dumper straight up say his/her intentions, otherwise it's just bread crumbs.

[marky00]

OP, I know your hurting but I feel your being a little selfish here.

 

 

Even if you pulled the trigger because she forced you too, its just not right to expect your Ex to behave in a way that suits you.

 

 

From my experience, all dumpees (even those who were in a position of power) will always use that dumping as ammunition and rightfully so.

 

 

Its like when people 2 people are fighting for months and 1 day someone opts for the silent treatment. Regardless of who was being the more nasty, the person who decides to CUT OFF needs to expect some consequences.

 

 

I think its upsetting you she hasn't apologised for things and helped validate your decision. Trust me, that will never happen. Once breakup has occurred, the gloves are off. No one will give up their dignity easily.

 

 

I agree she was most likely hoping for a reconciliation for those 3 months following. And let me tell you, that hope and then disappointment would have killed a lot of the love she had inside.

[SpecialJ]

@marky, I think we agree but you said it a lot more nicely

[marky00]

I also suspect that she's saying this stuff now because after the breakup wasn't the first time you projected on her / were possibly controlling, and with time and processing she has seen that and resents allowing you to do that to her and that she compromised herself for you in the past.

 

This rings so true.

 

 

Exactly how I felt when I was dumped. It doesn't matter how much you loved someone. Out of survival you will create boundaries and in some cases a wall bigger than the Great Wall of China.

[Toby77]

You also said some hurtful things that I'm sure you now regret.

 

I do, very much so.

[Toby77]

shouldn't be doing anything but putting yourself and healing first (at least if you don't want to reconcile), while learning from your mistakes.

 

I try, that's why I'm this forum asking strangers for points of view.

 

 

She had no obligation to tell you what was happening in her life if you were not actually trying to reconcile with her.

 

I disagree. It was obvious that I didn't break up because I didn't love her anymore. She continued to stay in touch, we had been together for almost four years, how can she NOT tell me what is going on in her life? I listened to her when she told me everything about everything else in her life, supported her in many ways. I would have told her had I met someone else.

 

 

But I'm not sure why you're faulting her for not wanting to be on civil terms with you just because YOU want that and are ready when she is clearly not.

 

I don't want to be friends. I just try to understand how come she is angry when she's the one who betrayed trust.

 

 

If you don't want to reconcile, leave her alone and let her live her life.

 

Of course I'll do that now. She could also have left ME alone after I broke up, instead of acting like she still loved me while having this other guy lining up.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Toby77

[Toby77]

All the advice on this board to dumpees is you have to let the dumper straight up say his/her intentions, otherwise it's just bread crumbs.

 

Intentions of what? She was the one calling me for three months. I answered and was there for her, I didn't dump her then tried to stay in her life. I dumped her then kept answering her calls because I loved her and cared for her. Unfortunately, it seems that by doing that I only let her use me as emotional support and "best friend" while she was getting to know this new guy.

[BC1980]

Intentions of what? She was the one calling me for three months. I answered and was there for her, I didn't dump her then tried to stay in her life. I dumped her then kept answering her calls because I loved her and cared for her. Unfortunately, it seems that by doing that I only let her use me as emotional support and "best friend" while she was getting to know this new guy.

 

I know you thought you were being kind, but, in the end, you dumped her. She won't forget the pain that caused. No amount of staying in someone's life as support will change that. Anyone who is dumped is going to have harsh feelings and anger for the person who dumped them. You can't change that unfortunately. You can't soften the blow of dumping someone.

[Toby77]

I think its upsetting you she hasn't apologised for things and helped validate your decision. Trust me, that will never happen. Once breakup has occurred, the gloves are off. No one will give up their dignity easily.

 

I agree she was most likely hoping for a reconciliation for those 3 months following. And let me tell you, that hope and then disappointment would have killed a lot of the love she had inside.

 

 

I'm sure it did. Still, she should have come clean about the other guy. No matter our problems, I never lied to her or hid anything from her, before or after the breakup. That's what upsetting me, her calling me and telling me that she loved me while having a replacement ready to jump in. It ruins the memory of the relationship and makes me wonder who I was with. Also, I'm upset because I recognize I did and said many idiotic things that hurt her.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Toby77

[sandylee1]

I don't see that she's to blame here to be honest with you.

 

You dumped her.

She hung around for 3 months and you weren't showing any signs of wanting her back.

 

At this point, she doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't have to tell you about any new guy.

 

I don't see how she betrayed you. Are you suggesting there was some kind of relationship with the new guy while you were still together? And before you dumped her?

 

If it was after this you haven't been betrayed. You just feel low, because she's no longer an option for you.

 

You admit you said hurtful things to her and she probably has spent time reflecting on the four years and realised that it wasn't that great a relationship.

 

She may well be very angry with herself for hanging on to the relationship for so long.

 

That anger with herself is difficult to admit, so she's turned it into anger at you.

[Toby77]

I don't see that she's to blame here to be honest with you.

 

You dumped her.

She hung around for 3 months and you weren't showing any signs of wanting her back.

 

At this point, she doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't have to tell you about any new guy.

 

I don't see how she betrayed you. Are you suggesting there was some kind of relationship with the new guy while you were still together? And before you dumped her?

 

If it was after this you haven't been betrayed. You just feel low, because she's no longer an option for you.

 

You admit you said hurtful things to her and she probably has spent time reflecting on the four years and realised that it wasn't that great a relationship.

 

She may well be very angry with herself for hanging on to the relationship for so long.

 

That anger with herself is difficult to admit, so she's turned it into anger at you.

 

 

I didn't dump her because I didn't love her anymore. She knew that. I showed signs of wanting her back but wasn't going to take her back if the reasons for dumping her stayed the same. I let her contact me, hoping that we'd be back together.

 

Yes, everyone here seem to think that she doesn't owe me anything because technically we were broken up and I dumped her. I just don't agree. Even if we weren't formally together we were still close. She knew that if she had told me that she was getting to know another guy, I'd gone NC at the spot. She didn't want that. She was either weighting her options or/and using me as emotional support while working on her next relationship. I any case, she wasn't telling me the truth but she enjoyed having me around as a friend. That's a betrayal of trust between two persons who know each other, have a lot of history together and still love each other, in my book. I would have told her it it was me. What does the exact date of the breakup matter?

 

She got to know the new guy one month before I dumped her but I didn't know about it and that wasn't the reason I dumped her. So yes, by what seems to be everyone's standard here, she did emotionally cheat for a month. I then dumped her without knowing about it and she kept staying in my life for another three months, for god knows what reason.

 

I feel low because I thought that, broken up or not, we were honest with each other. I also feel low because I miss her and what we had. I also feel low because I regret my part in the failure of the relationship. However, I never lied to her about anything in four years, despite all my imperfections. Actually, one of our problems was that I was sometimes too honest with her, calling everything like I saw it, and I unintentionally hurt her many times.

[Toby77]

She played push pull until I thought I would go nuts. I had to cut it off. Each time I'd back off due to her pushing me away, she'd try and reel me back in.

 

I still wonder sometimes if cutting mine off was the right idea.

 

 

I believe it was, if she played push pull like that... Thanks for your input!

[marky00]

 

I disagree. It was obvious that I didn't break up because I didn't love her anymore.

 

That doesn't make much sense and nothing is obvious unless that person is in your mind which is of course impossible.

 

 

All breakups equal one thing. A BREAKUP.

 

 

You can't break up with someone expecting you can make work it later. You work on the issues whilst in the relationship.

 

 

Again, I understand she may have somewhat forced you into pulling the trigger but you have to acknowledge it was YOU who ended it.

 

 

The issue here is logic vs emotions. YOur emotional argument might ring true (at least to you) but its not mirroring up with the logical side of things.

[SpecialJ]

"Intentions of what?" If you had intentions of reconciling, which you mentioned you thought would happen. I'm pretty confused about what you thought the outcome would be if you weren't trying to reconcile or establish a friendship. If you were just trying to be caring and comforting, which by the way does lead a dumpee on if you have not clearly stated your intentions not to get back together, then I still don't understand why you think she owes you an update about talking to another guy before things are serious or they are official?

 

I don't think she was "using" you to get over you in those 3 months, at all. I think she still loved you, was hurt from the breakup, saw nothing was changing and you weren't reconciling, so started to move on and talk to a new guy because it was what was best for her emotional health.

Edited April 24, 2017 by SpecialJ

[Toby77]

That doesn't make much sense and nothing is obvious unless that person is in your mind which is of course impossible.

 

 

All breakups equal one thing. A BREAKUP.

 

 

You can't break up with someone expecting you can make work it later. You work on the issues whilst in the relationship.

 

 

Again, I understand she may have somewhat forced you into pulling the trigger but you have to acknowledge it was YOU who ended it.

 

 

The issue here is logic vs emotions. YOur emotional argument might ring true (at least to you) but its not mirroring up with the logical side of things.

She KNEW why I broke up and what it would take to get back together. I should've gone NC immediately after the breakup, lesson learned.

[Toby77]

"Intentions of what?" If you had intentions of reconciling, which you mentioned you thought would happen. I'm pretty confused about what you thought the outcome would be if you weren't trying to reconcile or establish a friendship. If you were just trying to be caring and comforting, which by the way does lead a dumpee on if you have not clearly stated your intentions not to get back together, then I still don't understand why you think she owes you an update about talking to another guy before things are serious or they are official?

 

I don't think she was "using" you to get over you in those 3 months, at all. I think she still loved you, was hurt from the breakup, saw nothing was changing and you weren't reconciling, so started to move on and talk to a new guy because it was what was best for her emotional health.

The friendship was established. She called me often and we talked like before. We just didn't see each other much in that period. She knew why I broke up with her, she also knew that I still loved her.

 

I believe she owed me an update because she kept in touch and she knew that I would cut all contact if I knew she had someone else lined up, so she wasn't being honest.

 

How much could she have loved me if she kept a secret like that?

[marky00]

If what you insist is true, then you are actually the DUMPEE here. You are a victim of what I call the forced-dump. You ended it because you knew she wasn't going to try.

 

 

If that is the case, you should have followed dumpee protocol. Immediate NC and possibly only respond when you got respectful contact from her but never initiate contact.

 

 

Unfortunately in your case but, you can't play the VICTIM card that can work for some dumpees to heal and get some power back. Because you actually had the guts to end it yourself and you also admit saying some nasty things to.

 

 

The lesson you may have learned here is that ACTING never works. If deep down you wanted the relationship to continue and weren't 100 precent confident you could move on without too much fuss, maybe instigating the BU wasn't the best idea.

 

 

Although I admire your guts for ending something that was below your acceptable standards. I think when you really love someone, sometimes you just have to let them end it. You might lose some self-respect but you can feel relief by not ACTING or making decisions you not even happy with.

 

 

You can't have your cake and eat it. By instigating the BU you increased your self-worth, dignity and self-respect. That is all great. But now you want to play the victim card and say how she should act post BU. That is not how life works. Everything is a trade-off. You chose one way. Another person would choose another way.

Edited April 24, 2017 by marky00