Jump to content

Have a gut feeling we're not going to last


Recommended Posts

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we've lived together for 6 months now. It's my first relationship and he's the only guy I've ever loved romantically (I'm 23). Throughout the entire relationship I have worried it wouldn't last (normal anxiety I think) but now I think it's more of a gut feeling. The main reason is that we have different world views. I'm a "bleeding heart liberal" as he says. He grew up conservative, however we do mostly agree on big issues such as gay marriage, abortion, gender equality, etc. However this stuff is such a huge part of who I am-it's at the core of my being and I'm very outspoken with my views, whereas he doesn't really care about any of it. He has opinions but outside of that he doesn't care about learning more, reading others' perspectives, talking about politics, stuff like that. He has said he thinks I'm politically correct "to a fault." He's never tried to tone me down or whatever. But a big thing I take issue with is his use of certain words. He'll use the n-word sometimes (he's white), "fag" (he's never used it around me but has said he's used it before, and his friends use it) and "retarded." None of these things are used in hateful ways or used against the type of person they were created to be used against, but i feel like it's common knowledge at this point that those words are not okay, regardless of intention or context. We've had talks about this before and he has said he won't use them anymore but I don't believe he really agrees he shouldn't use them - i think he just refrains around me but probably still says those things around friends. Maybe this sounds nitpicky of me, but I'm very against the use of any words like those and if he said any of them around me in public I'd be embarrassed and ashamed. He also thinks fat people are gross, and thinks strippers and prostitutes are disgusting and don't deserve respect. I'm a huge feminist so these kinds of things are the opposite of my beliefs.

 

I understand that some of you may share these opinions and that's okay, but please don't make this a political discussion - you can think what you think, my point is that he believes things that go against the fiber of my being.

 

We didn't really discuss any of these things until I was already falling in love with him so once i found out, I couldn't just leave. If I'm being honest with myself, had I known some of the things he thinks before I loved him, I would've broken it off. Now I've been trying to change him and that's not right-it's not my job and we both deserve to be with someone who fully accepts who we are.

 

He has been a great boyfriend-I feel loved and safe, but I also get mad a lot when he says things that go back to our different world views. I also have low self esteem that has gotten so much worse in the last 6 months or so-which is strange because when we were first dating for the first year or so I was the most confident I've ever been. So I don't really feel like myself fully, I feel lost. I don't know.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much and I'm happy with him for the most part, but we can't get through one weekend without arguing about something, I'm always paranoid he is comparing me to other women (my problem, not his-he's never given me any reason for thinking this), and I just feel we won't last because of our different views. I know people can have opposite political views and still make it, but I feel that I need to be with someone who's views align with mine on more levels than just the major issues if that makes sense. Our lease is up in 6 months and I feel I shouldn't move with him again if I'm not sure about us. I feel so guilty talking to him about this stuff and talking about future plans when in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I need to end it. He has had addiction issues in the past, before i knew him. He's "settled down" a lot in terms of that kind of thing since dating me so I'm scared he'll go back to that if I leave. Which I know isn't fair to me. I just don't know. It hurts so much to even think about it. We're going on a trip for my birthday this weekend and here I am thinking about breaking up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
my point is that he believes things that go against the fiber of my being.

 

He has been a great boyfriend-I feel loved and safe

 

I also have low self esteem that has gotten so much worse in the last 6 months or so-which is strange because when we were first dating for the first year or so I was the most confident I've ever been.

 

but we can't get through one weekend without arguing about something

 

Lots of conflicting quotes imo.

 

Sounds like a compatibility issue. If what he's saying or what he believes doesn't allow you to continue feeling the same way that you have been for him, then it likely isn't going to work out. The arguments are likely to not cease either and at this point you're just staying with him because you don't want him to hurt himself. Which you are correct, that isn't fair to you. You need to cut him loose when the time is right and try to move on. You are young, and it is also likely that you need to experience dating quite a bit more before you truly feel it is okay to settle down with someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...