Jump to content

What do you do when time and NC isn't working?


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

I dont know what to do......A little over a year ago, I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year and 2 months (and we were also really good friends for about 2 years prior to dating). The first 11 months of us dating were absolutely fantastic. I thought we connected on every level, we were honest with each other about our needs, embraced and encouraged the wackiest and weirdest parts of each other's personalities, and the list goes on. Then, out of the blue...he tells me he has no feelings for me, never had, never will. I actually thought he was joking and laughed. But he wasnt.

I didnt want to end things though, so we stayed together for about another 3 month until he eventually broke up with me saying that he felt we had no connection and nothing in common, and a few other hurtful comments.

I was heartbroken but tried to pretend I was cool about it. He asked for no contact but we have had to interact a few times, mostly by email, over the last year due to a shared responsibility that has now ended. We have for the most part always tried to make those brief, polite and to the point. Twice though, he attempted to make those conversations slightly more friendly (telling me what he is up to, ect.). I didnt respond in kind, even though I wanted to, because I was trying to protect myself and not give in to him so easily (as he accused me of liking him more). Plus, I thought he would persist if he was actually looking to reconcile and not just reaching out because of a whim or because he was bored. But he didnt persist. He just let it go.

I was proud of myself at the time for being strong, but now I have started to regret not being more open to him when he reached out.

 

Also, about a month and a half ago, I ran into him for the first time in person and while it was my intention to be polite, as soon as he started asking me how i've been - I felt all this incredible anger and got really passive aggressive - telling him that I didnt have to tell him what ive been up to. Which is stupid because all I want is to talk to him and tell him what Ive been up to. I miss him terribly.

Now I feel like I should apologize but dont know if its better to just let it go.

I feel like Ive made a mess of things and that we might have had a chance to reconcile, or at least be friends again, but I ruined it. I just feel so angry because the times he reached out... he never said he missed me or that he was sorry for what he did.

I just dont seem to be able to let go. I want to apologize. I want to yell at him. I want to start over.

 

I mostly just want to tell him that i miss him.

 

Nothing feels right.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are not over him.

 

If you really see yourself having a future with him, I would tell him that.

 

But keep in mind, he may not feel the same way.

 

I think you would get closure regardless.

Link to post
Share on other sites

IMO you need closure.

Could you even be with him if he does not apologize, or at least give you an explanation of what happened?

Regardless, talk to him. If it's already been months, what is the point of waiting?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just let it go. Your behavior was a matter of self preservation. You also didn't do anything affirmatively mean; you simply weren't your normal warm, gracious self. No apology necessary.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the replies. Missing him really makes it hard to let go. Or maybe it's because his reasons for breaking up with me never made sense or matched what I experienced.

 

Alandru: I think it's mostly pride that has kept me from reaching out for closure. I don't want to appear weak.

Edited by ECRH23
Added a thought
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes not interested

At least he was honest and told you So he didn't waste more of your time

 

Let this one go

Link to post
Share on other sites
anynomous34

I don't think you should.. i think you should just let him go. Don't feel guilty he's the one who should apologize.. for being so heartless to you at a time when you thought you were a couple... turns out he was lying to you the entire time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I kind of advocate that you leave things be and just learn to stop worrying about what he thinks.

 

I did apologize to this one guy after reading my journal and kind of getting perspective on how unfit I was to let him drag me into a relationship at a time I was still reeling from a prior breakup that was one of the biggest events of my life. He and I had been friends before and then he immediately wanted to live together while divorcing, but I got my own place but he followed me and moved in right next door and was over there all the time. Anyway I'd been reluctant from the onset but caved in to giving it a try since he was a good pal and I didn't find him unattractive, but my head was NEVER in it. So I apologized a couple of decades later and just wanted him to know it could never have worked because I was so distracted by this other breakup (and had just begun to work in the same office as the breakup right when the friend and I got together, too).

 

But then later I regretted it because the more I thought about it, I realized that HE never wanted to hear about this other guy or acted like where my head was at over that or just in general should matter and just really pushed me into this relationship with him. And also, when I broke up, that reason was separate but valid (hanging out with his soon to be ex-wife).

 

So you might wish you'd just never stirred it up again. And it may have given him some idea I was still interested, but I wasn't, because he'd had too much resentment to go back to being friends at the time of breakup, and that made me mad too, because we were friends first and that is what worked.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm a very vivid dreamer and have incredibly detailed and realistic dreams. Since my ex broke up with me, I have dreamt of him almost every single night. If they were about him being a terrible person or even him saying 'I don't want you' over and over again, that would be helpful to me to move on but they are not. They are always about us being really happy together or him wanting to get back with me. I even had a dream last week about his mother (who is deceased). She came to me and told me she is very worried about him and felt better when I was in his life; that we were good for each other.

 

It's been over a year. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I started talking to a therapist, took on extra work and projects, I've travelled, I exercise, I've written unsent letters, etc...

 

But my dreams are relentless. And every morning , when I wake up from these dreams, I feel like it's day one all over again and have to restart the healing process.

 

Anyone have any thoughts about this?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6
Link to post
Share on other sites

This has happened to me on certain occasions, admittedly not on the same scale as you are experiencing. But the dreams I have are extremely vivid.

 

I often think that my dreams represent a mix of needing closure. They are dreams where I am 'inbetween' the relationship, sort of seeking reconciliation without success.

 

When I have a dream on this scale it usually affects me for the whole of the next day as they are so profound. It's happened before with a previous partner but they did eventually stop. I think in time you will find they do stop but dependent upon what happens in your waking life i.e. if you move on in your life etc.

 

I think time will be the help here. But it does take time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm a very vivid dreamer and have incredibly detailed and realistic dreams. Since my ex broke up with me, I have dreamt of him almost every single night. If they were about him being a terrible person or even him saying 'I don't want you' over and over again, that would be helpful to me to move on but they are not. They are always about us being really happy together or him wanting to get back with me. I even had a dream last week about his mother (who is deceased). She came to me and told me she is very worried about him and felt better when I was in his life; that we were good for each other.

 

It's been over a year. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I started talking to a therapist, took on extra work and projects, I've travelled, I exercise, I've written unsent letters, etc...

 

But my dreams are relentless. And every morning , when I wake up from these dreams, I feel like it's day one all over again and have to restart the healing process.

 

Anyone have any thoughts about this?

 

That's certainly very odd. Any ideas what cld be triggering the dreams? Man the only dreams I have of my ex are painful more so another tidbit of information to the puzzle that hurts. I don't wanna say it's spirit because that may be way off kilter something is triggering the dreams

Link to post
Share on other sites
iknownamouse
I'm a very vivid dreamer and have incredibly detailed and realistic dreams. Since my ex broke up with me, I have dreamt of him almost every single night. If they were about him being a terrible person or even him saying 'I don't want you' over and over again, that would be helpful to me to move on but they are not. They are always about us being really happy together or him wanting to get back with me. I even had a dream last week about his mother (who is deceased). She came to me and told me she is very worried about him and felt better when I was in his life; that we were good for each other.

 

It's been over a year. I've done all the things you are supposed to do. I started talking to a therapist, took on extra work and projects, I've travelled, I exercise, I've written unsent letters, etc...

 

But my dreams are relentless. And every morning , when I wake up from these dreams, I feel like it's day one all over again and have to restart the healing process.

 

Anyone have any thoughts about this?

 

I think our dreams are a reflection of what we are thinking consciously and, more importantly, subconciously.

 

I am currently having a lot of dreams of my ex, and it's worse on the days when I've spent my waking hours really upset compared to when I've managed to stay busy and keep my mind on other stuff.

 

Do you still think about her a lot during the day?

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

yep they dog me.......i am a lucid dreamer.....also ocd so yes i have trouble with dreams they feel so real...when i wake up......its a sadness i feel when i go ok im awake it was a dream.....none of it was real....

 

my dreams are that consuming i even dream of love shack.....its anything in my life actually......i have dreams of an unrequited love i have,one dream i have had is actually this guy is on this board and left me a coded message i actually sat down in my dream and worked it out.....waking up from that ....was...unsettling.....i have dreamt of walking to my letter box opening mail and finding a letter ...i have dreamt of walking around my house ...and actually have been walking around my house.....sleep walking why i sleep fully dressed

 

i have also had premonition dreams involving conversations with loved ones...happenings or events that end happening for real.....i dream poems.....words that from poetry

 

i dreamt once that someone was standing outside my window as i slept...i sleep with an open curtain for air...my room is suffocating at night......anyway ...when i woke up..yep a guy "friend" was there ..he said he just got there.....i dreamt my ex breaking up with me word for word two years before we actually broke up.....

 

many times my dreams sink me...because it feels i put so much work into them i try so hard in some of them to work things out and to make things really special ...when i wake and realize it was a dream..it is sadness i feel......

 

wheni am really down and i have these beautiful dreams like ....beautiful places like ..heavenly....i feel at peace ....and i wake up....i wish i didnt have too......and often ....they can lead to me feeling......lost .......trying to decipher why that dream....maybe i actually die in my sleep a little.....i dont breathe well at night and my kids have said they get scared because i just stop breathing..and then ill start up again......i also sometimes ..have my eyes open......yeah ...im creepy......and i scare my kids...but yes i understand how dreams can affect waking life......very much so..they dont go away...i have stopped journaling my dreams ...so they dont have a place in my reality...and i can try and get to a level of normalcy where im not sad everyday....

 

i coudl do the med thing...but i have chosen not to due to the fact it changes my waking life too much.....it does however kill all dreams...but also ...my inhibitions...makes me a zombie.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I could understand the reason for them right after the breakup- because I thought we had an unbelievable relationship/connection, he was my soulmate, and I didn't believe him when he told me otherwise...

 

But now I know we are not. He clearly isn't going to change his mind. So that's what confuses me most about the dreams. It's like my subconscious is refusing to accept that he didn't love me or that we are not meant to be together...no matter what I tell it during the day.

 

They are so powerful though and always leave me with an overwhelming sense of urgency that I should contact him. I wish there was a way to make it stop.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I could understand the reason for them right after the breakup- because I thought we had an unbelievable relationship/connection, he was my soulmate, and I didn't believe him when he told me otherwise...

 

But now I know we are not. He clearly isn't going to change his mind. So that's what confuses me most about the dreams. It's like my subconscious is refusing to accept that he didn't love me or that we are not meant to be together...no matter what I tell it during the day.

 

They are so powerful though and always leave me with an overwhelming sense of urgency that I should contact him. I wish there was a way to make it stop.

 

This is exactly how I feel - I'm 3 months post BU and its like my mind doesn't accept what has happened in a subconscious way.

 

It's very sad and it does affect you hugely. What I sympathise with you is how people change their minds in time and give you no sign of inclination to the contrary.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I read somewhere that when we don't express our feeling or thoughts about our ex during the day. Our unconscious brings it up at night time in dreams with more recurrence.

May help to write about the breakup or talk more about it with people you can trust. Also removing everything that reminds you of her (I put everything in a box and hide them)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I kind of advocate that you leave things be and just learn to stop worrying about what he thinks.

 

I did apologize to this one guy after reading my journal and kind of getting perspective on how unfit I was to let him drag me into a relationship at a time I was still reeling from a prior breakup that was one of the biggest events of my life. He and I had been friends before and then he immediately wanted to live together while divorcing, but I got my own place but he followed me and moved in right next door and was over there all the time. Anyway I'd been reluctant from the onset but caved in to giving it a try since he was a good pal and I didn't find him unattractive, but my head was NEVER in it. So I apologized a couple of decades later and just wanted him to know it could never have worked because I was so distracted by this other breakup (and had just begun to work in the same office as the breakup right when the friend and I got together, too).

 

But then later I regretted it because the more I thought about it, I realized that HE never wanted to hear about this other guy or acted like where my head was at over that or just in general should matter and just really pushed me into this relationship with him. And also, when I broke up, that reason was separate but valid (hanging out with his soon to be ex-wife).

 

So you might wish you'd just never stirred it up again. And it may have given him some idea I was still interested, but I wasn't, because he'd had too much resentment to go back to being friends at the time of breakup, and that made me mad too, because we were friends first and that is what worked.

 

 

 

This is a good perspective from the dumpers POV. You say though that YOU caved in to trying the relationship. I get it, but you technically lead that person on because you weren't ever truly ready. It's the whole leading on thing that truly upsets the OP because all those feelings that he thought were valid, were never even there. It's the vulnerability that causes things like that to happen for the most part. I'd have a hard time being your friend after that too.

 

So yes OP, I'm also with the notion that you should not reach out to your EX. Let them reach out to you, then you can decide where you want to go from there. I know this is hard for you, but you can do it. It's going to be a road to healing and you may have some setbacks but we are here to support you!

Edited by Ronnys93
For being insensitive
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...