I cheated on my girlfriend

[gatsby88]

Ok, so long post incoming...

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I've had a couple of fairly long term relationships in the past. One of the things that I was up front about at the start was that I disliked the idea of sexless relationships. I know many people meet, have a great relationship for a period of time, have kids, and then slowly drift apart becoming more akin to friends or merely housemates. I am not suggesting that sex is the most important part of a relationship and nor am I saying that developing a deep friendship with my other half isn't important. I am just of the opinion that I want a relationship where I am intimate with my partner. Like I said, we discussed this at the start and my partner agreed it was what she wanted too.

 

The first 2-3 years of our relationship were great but, needless to say, with our busy lives, the physical part of our relationship slowly ground to a halt. I cheated on her twice. Both one offs, several months apart. Neither meant very much to me, but it was nice to be wanted by and viewed in that way by someone again. I was weak, but to me it seemed like the best of a bunch of bad options. My alternatives were (i) ignore my opinions about relationships and continue in this relationship as it was, becoming progressively unhappy or (ii) break up with a girl, probably causing great pain, that I love very deeply and find incredibly attractive.

 

We have discussed it and I think that we are at a point where we can move forward. Obviously, I have admitted that what I did was completely wrong. At the same time, it has allowed us to talk about the reasons why I did it and I think my partner understands them which has allowed us to hopefully fix some of the issues in our relationship. For my part, I think I would not do the same thing again as I have agreed to discuss it with my partner regularly. If it came to it, I would break up with her rather than cause the distress that I caused her when she found out.

 

Now, when she found out, my partner told many people what I had done. I have no issue with this, she did it for the right reasons and I should have to face up to my actions. Unfortunately, she told her parents. Her parents are now saying that if she agrees to continue a relationship with me, they will cut her off from the family. I am completely at a loss as to what to do.

 

Firstly, I am immensely angry at them for making her choose. Most of her/our friends have said something like "I think you should leave him, but if you choose to stay then we will support you in your decision." Of course, that's perfectly understandable; I would no doubt say the same to a friend in a similar situation. But to essentially emotionally blackmail her in to doing what they want, regardless of her feelings, angers me so much that I am not sure I could maintain my composure if I was to discuss it with them.

 

Secondly, I don't want to make her choose. I want to fight for our relationship (and, based on the discussions we have had, I believe she wants the same) but equally I know that parents don't disappear and she has to maintain a relationship with these people for many more years. I can walk away and save her all the pain of having to go through this and trying to convince her parents that I am still a decent human being. Worse, if her parents cant be convinced, I don't think I should ask her to sacrifice that aspect of her life to be with me. I want to be with her, but its more important that she is happy. I don't want her to have a life where we cant all be a family.

 

This is tearing her apart. We live together and when she is here its like we are in our own little bubble and everything is far better than it was prior to the truth coming out. But every time she spends more than a few hours with her parents they just shout at her and end up leaving her in an emotional wreck. I want to be with her so much but I can stop her being hurt constantly like this by walking away.

Edited April 15, 2017 by gatsby88

[spiderowl]

I do not think you should voluntarily leave her because her parents are giving her hell. That is a decision she should make - whether to go along with her parents or to stick with you. Her parents are interfering above and beyond what they should do. It is understandable they would be upset and that they might feel their daughter is just going to end up hurt again, but bullying her is another matter.

 

 

I wonder if it would be helpful to her to see a counsellor? She will then have someone independent to talk to who could help her to find strength to deal with her parents and her understandable upset over you.

[spiderowl]

I do not think you should leave her voluntarily because her parents are giving her hell. That is a decision she should make - whether to go along with her parents or to stick with you. Her parents are interfering above and beyond what they should do. It is understandable they would be upset and that they might feel their daughter is just going to end up hurt again, but bullying her is another matter.

 

 

I wonder if it would be helpful to her to see a counsellor? She will then have someone independent to talk to who could help her to find strength to deal with her parents and her understandable upset over you.

[Altair0770]

Sounds to me this relationship is built around what you want. Let her make the decision and know you deserve it if she leaves.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sounds to me this relationship is built around what you want. Let her make the decision and know you deserve it if she leaves.

 

This.

 

Also, OP, cheating is never "the best of a bunch of bad options." That statement right there tells me you essentially no insight into the emotional trauma cheating inflicts on the betrayed party. It follows you for years and severely compromises your self-worth and ability to trust. It makes you question your own value. It makes you wonder why you're not good enough. None of that is better than ending it with someone with whom you don't respect enough to stay faithful, sorry. I speak from experience.

 

You first need to get a lot more in tune with what you have done.You're a ways from that, based on your description. And then let her make the decision to stay or go, for herself. You've already made too many unilateral decisions. If you don't want to to stay, then you have every right to walk away. But don't go around deciding what's best for her. You've already demonstrated that you don't know what you're doing in that department.

[Goodguy05]

This.

 

Also, OP, cheating is never "the best of a bunch of bad options." That statement right there tells me you essentially no insight into the emotional trauma cheating inflicts on the betrayed party. It follows you for years and severely compromises your self-worth and ability to trust. It makes you question your own value. It makes you wonder why you're not good enough. None of that is better than ending it with someone with whom you don't respect enough to stay faithful, sorry. I speak from experience.

 

You first need to get a lot more in tune with what you have done.You're a ways from that, based on your description. And then let her make the decision to stay or go, for herself. You've already made too many unilateral decisions. If you don't want to to stay, then you have every right to walk away. But don't go around deciding what's best for her. You've already demonstrated that you don't know what you're doing in that department.

 

Tough give some perspective I've been cheated on a no. Of times the worst being an ex I was wth for 3 yrs her and a very close friend cheated and it left me devastated. U kno it has wrecked other relationships because I have had trouble unraveling the baggage I carry into the next relationship being being able to trust. Now I still hav trust issues and being able to trust 7 yrs down the track that's way cheating has done to me. It's a weak act there's no excuses for it no matter how unhappy u r really it shows a lack of accountability on ur end as well why relationship may have stagnated.anyway at least for wat it's worth u r trying that's rare most cheaters hav problems even admitting they hav done or caused someone else pain. If she continues its on her terms and ur a very lucky guy. To help it may take her yrs to slowly rebuild that trust and Im not sure she ever wil. That trust is a fragile thing very fragile. Good luck