greenicon Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Hi All, I split up with my girlfriend over the Christmas period - we had been together about a year and had enjoyed a good relationship on the whole - we lived 40 miles apart and only saw each other once/twice a week (mostly weekends) as we both have busy careers and obligations with children from previous relationships etc. I sensed that the 'grind' of the travel was starting to wear a little thin towards the end of the year as winter and dark nights approached. Although 40 miles is not a huge distance it makes it difficult to make spontaneous plans and if weekend plans had to change - which inevitably they did on occasion the reaction was not good. The upshot was she decided to call time just after new year. I suspect she had been preparing for it for some time as I felt completely blindsided by it. I feel she had felt that the relationship had run its course and there was no realistic way to take it to the next 'level'. She gave a handful of reasons which made sense to a point but never the less I was extremely hurt. It was the first relationship post my divorce and breaking up hit me like a sledgehammer. I went NC after a couple of weeks and have remained that way. I have not heard from her since NC was initiated. After 3 months I decided to get back online and try dating - I met a girl more locally based and we went on 4-5 dates which were good but no overall spark for me so I politely curtailed things. Before and during the dates I felt like I was really moving on but since ending the dates I have felt like I have gone backwards to the hurt from the previous relationship to a huge degree. I miss my ex, significantly, to a point where I nearly broke the NC - but have not done this as yet. Just wondering why I have gone backwards with my healing all of a sudden? - was I acting too quickly with getting back to dating? - I genuinely felt ready after 3 months... Link to post Share on other sites
DontBreakEven Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 This has happened to me a few times. And it would always happen because when I was dating, I was just not happening to find anyone that really sparked my interest, so at the end of the dates it made me start to cry and wish my ex was still around, because dates were always amazing with her. I also think that just 3 or so months out, I was still deep down emotionally unavailable. When you're still in a place where you are kind of comparing everything to her, it's a sign that you probably actually aren't quite ready, in my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 Thanks for the insight - I agree, inevitably I did find myself comparing the new dates to my ex. Although not all things were negative. The fact that I was comparing was probably not healthy. I think you are right in terms of time. It's just frustrating when you know she isn't coming back and you don't want to dwell and 'waste time' as it were. Did you move on with somebody eventually? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Take some time and learn to be alone. It'll clear your head and make you a better man. Sometimes we put people on a pedestal and only see them for what we want to see. You say things were going great but that's not the reality that she was seeing. Don't project your feelings onto your X. That's obviously not her feelings about you or she wouldn't have broken it off Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 I mentioned things were going great 'on the whole'. In other words there were ups and downs like any relationship - I get that she wasn't obviously feeling it, to an extent I had doubts over various things but was prepared to take things into a new year and see if we could continue but like I said no rows or upset at all. I don't disagree you do have to learn to be single. It's a balance between following your head and your heart I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenicon Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 The point about the pedestal is most definitely accurate as well. Why do we do this? It's like some massive form of perceptual bias going on. Strange how the mind plays out in a certain way. Whatever that way is/was its not helped at all. Just ends up dragging me down again. Very frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
DontBreakEven Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Thanks for the insight - I agree, inevitably I did find myself comparing the new dates to my ex. Although not all things were negative. The fact that I was comparing was probably not healthy. I think you are right in terms of time. It's just frustrating when you know she isn't coming back and you don't want to dwell and 'waste time' as it were. Did you move on with somebody eventually? Yes I always eventually moved on. But not after 3 months. More like 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Hi All, I split up with my girlfriend over the Christmas period - we had been together about a year and had enjoyed a good relationship on the whole - we lived 40 miles apart and only saw each other once/twice a week (mostly weekends) as we both have busy careers and obligations with children from previous relationships etc. I sensed that the 'grind' of the travel was starting to wear a little thin towards the end of the year as winter and dark nights approached. Although 40 miles is not a huge distance it makes it difficult to make spontaneous plans and if weekend plans had to change - which inevitably they did on occasion the reaction was not good. The upshot was she decided to call time just after new year. I suspect she had been preparing for it for some time as I felt completely blindsided by it. I feel she had felt that the relationship had run its course and there was no realistic way to take it to the next 'level'. She gave a handful of reasons which made sense to a point but never the less I was extremely hurt. It was the first relationship post my divorce and breaking up hit me like a sledgehammer. I went NC after a couple of weeks and have remained that way. I have not heard from her since NC was initiated. After 3 months I decided to get back online and try dating - I met a girl more locally based and we went on 4-5 dates which were good but no overall spark for me so I politely curtailed things. Before and during the dates I felt like I was really moving on but since ending the dates I have felt like I have gone backwards to the hurt from the previous relationship to a huge degree. I miss my ex, significantly, to a point where I nearly broke the NC - but have not done this as yet. Just wondering why I have gone backwards with my healing all of a sudden? - was I acting too quickly with getting back to dating? - I genuinely felt ready after 3 months... I can tell u exactly why it's because the new date didn't have the spark or one that was better then ur ex. If ud had a better connection trust me ur ex would o been history. I went thru this met a girl on a holiday and my ex wife was forgotten but then we didn't work out and the next one i ended up wth just didn't have that spark and I went backwards thinking about my ex wife but it was actually my ex wife contacting me wanting g to work things out that played wth my mind. Sometimes tho we think we're healed but it's usually wen something doesn't quiet go our way or we r struggling the ex then comes back into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
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