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Recovering from emotional trauma


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I'm a 29 year old male, and have had my heart broken 3 times and am currently on Day 14 of NC with my most recent one. As I'm sure is the case with everyone else, it feels like "this time is different" and that I will never recover.

 

I'm really concerned that I will always be hurt, even if at a minimal amount. I came back with a vengeance with my previous 2 breakups, but naturally, I will explain why I feel those were different. I'm just looking for advice, but more importantly reassurance that I will be 100% fine again. I see people on here after years of NC, still in pain, and it scares the hell out of me. Life is so short. I'm willing to take some time to recover but not that long!

 

Anyway this is going to be a long post. But I think I can share my experiences and maybe useful tips for others, while also hoping to get advice & your experiences as help for me.

 

Girl #1:

I was 22 years old and had been seeing a psychotic girl for about 15 months. It was an emotionally and verbally abusive "relationship". It wasn't even technically a relationship, as she never wanted to be my girlfriend. I was young, stupid, and inexperienced. The entire 15 months consisted of us hooking up, me wanting more, and her refusing to acknowledge anything romantic between us. At times she would declare her feelings for me, only to push me away when I hoped to make something of them.

 

Her reason for not being with me was religion. She was extremely religious and there was no way she could ever be with someone not in her religion. It was an emotionally traumatic experience for me sleeping with her one moment, and her refusing to even hold my hand the next. It also sucked seeing her openly flirt with other guys in front of me. One day I just cut her off without warning. She breadcrumbed me a couple of times but I ignored. It took me a full 8 months to completely move past it, but when I did, I never looked back and felt 0 pain or interest in her.

 

Girl #2:

The only girlfriend I've ever had. The only time I've ever been in love. We dated, on but mainly off, for a year. We were both 24y/25y. The primary reason for our breakup was because she was still in contact with her ex-bf, despite assuring me a few times that she will cut him off. Turns out he still loved her, and she refused to let him go. So we broke up, but still acted like bf/gf and went out. She wanted me back so badly but I just refused to put a title on it. Part of me enjoyed the attention from her, and I became complacent.

 

Finally we both made dating profiles and started meeting others. Still we'd act like bf&gf though. And of course, she finally met someone decent and became serious, and that's when she cut me off. That's also when I realized I lost someone special. Did the whole begging and pleading thing. Interestingly enough, I realized from our conversations, that he was definitely a rebound. She was paranoid about her biological clock, and just wanted someone to be with and marry asap. It's been 4 years, and they're set to get married this year. I 100% still believe she's not fully happy with him. He's head over heels for her, but it's obvious she's marrying him out of fear of being alone. Don't ask me how I know it's a rebound, just take my word for it.

 

Ironically, this girl, my only experience of being in love, took me ONLY about a month to get over, not even. We're in the same social circle, so I wasn't even able to cut her off completely from my life. We were NC for like 2 months. But it was so easy getting over her. The key for me was:

 

1) realizing she's rebounding and that I'm much better off than her

2) realizing her paranoia with her biological clock and that she'd settle for anyone willing to take her

3) ruthlessly focusing on her mediocre looks (she wasn't that physically attractive, I fell for her killer personality). So I'd pound into my head all the unattractive things about her.

4) She had made it clear during the transition to the new bf that she still has feelings for me

 

So the whole thing was actually an easy one to get over. Those 3-4 weeks it took were really bad though. Panic attacks left and right. Depression, weight loss, the whole nine yards.

 

Girl #3:

 

It had been 3.5 years since my breakup with #2 when I met #3 this past January. In between I had gone on at least 1 date with or hooked up with between 20-30 women. In most cases it was me who wasn't interested in anything further. Then out of nowhere I met this 22y girl. She was exactly the type of girl for me: talkative, sense of humor, ambitious, adventurous. We went out a couple of times and she came on really really strong. Pretty much declared her love for me without actually saying the words. We made out extensively but nothing more. Then all of a sudden, she did a complete 180. And long story short, she told me the same exact thing happened with another dude. Some guy hit on her, they went out once, made out extensively, and lo and behold she's all into him.

 

The day I found this out, 2 weeks ago, is the last day I talked to her. Been NC since, blocked her on social media, etc. I've done a lot of thinking and have concluded that the reason for this behavior is

 

a) she's young and doesn't know what she wants, but more so

 

b) she likes the bad boy type. she's incapable of receiving or processing real love, like when a man takes her out on a proper date. she was ecstatic on our 2nd date, which was Valentine's day.

 

I have enough experience to know that you don't celebrate V day if it's only the 2nd date. But because of how strong she came on, I guess I fell for her quickly too. We talked about each other's goals in life and she told me how she was with one dude for 4 years and he never took her out, and I was the first person to ever take her out properly. Yet for some reason, the other guy she made out with right after me, apparently didn't give a crap about her. He just invited her over to his apt and that's where they hooked up. So wtf?

 

That's why I feel she is naturally attracted to what she knows best - men who don't treat her/take her out properly. Anyway, the whole thing has left me feeling tremendously, for the lack of a better word, beta. And that's what's so traumatizing. The thought that while I was planning these special adventures for us, she's showing up to some guy's place and he's getting action. It literally feels like a stab, and it's been so hard to get over.

 

I got over her, I just can't get over the trauma and the mental images. I know I can do better, and I know I'll meet someone good, hopefully soon. But I simply can't stop feeling like I was cheated. No we were never exclusive, and in fact she was honest and told me she wanted to play the field. But, coming on strong the way she did and saying how much she loved me, it can't be reversed like a light switch. It was already too late. It wasn't cheating, but I feel cheated. Unfortunately, I can't change how I feel. I really want to, but I can't.

 

Conclusion:

 

So with that in mind, I hear cheating is one of the hardest things to get over. I guess by extension, emotional trauma is hard to get over too. That's why girl #1, whom I clearly didn't love and didn't see a future with took forever to get over. While I got over girl #2, my one and only love, so quickly.

 

I am going out, meeting women, meeting people, doing everything in my power to move past this. But it is so damn hard. And the fear that the images and the trauma won't go away is killing me. And like I said, I just feel like a loser for treating her well. It's an incredible hit to the male ego.

 

I feel like I lost a certain innocence from this whole experience which I will never regain. I've had panic attacks, night sweats, and nightmares over this, and I hate it so much.

 

I just want reassurance. Can you confidently tell me I won't give a **** about this some time from now? That's all I want.

 

I apologize for the incredibly long post but I feel it was necessary to help understand me as a person.

Edited by Kitchen
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I'm a 29 year old male, and have had my heart broken 3 times and am currently on Day 14 of NC with my most recent one. As I'm sure is the case with everyone else, it feels like "this time is different" and that I will never recover.

 

I'm really concerned that I will always be hurt, even if at a minimal amount. I came back with a vengeance with my previous 2 breakups, but naturally, I will explain why I feel those were different. I'm just looking for advice, but more importantly reassurance that I will be 100% fine again. I see people on here after years of NC, still in pain, and it scares the hell out of me. Life is so short. I'm willing to take some time to recover but not that long!

 

Anyway this is going to be a long post. But I think I can share my experiences and maybe useful tips for others, while also hoping to get advice & your experiences as help for me.

 

Girl #1:

I was 22 years old and had been seeing a psychotic girl for about 15 months. It was an emotionally and verbally abusive "relationship". It wasn't even technically a relationship, as she never wanted to be my girlfriend. I was young, stupid, and inexperienced. The entire 15 months consisted of us hooking up, me wanting more, and her refusing to acknowledge anything romantic between us. At times she would declare her feelings for me, only to push me away when I hoped to make something of them.

 

Her reason for not being with me was religion. She was extremely religious and there was no way she could ever be with someone not in her religion. It was an emotionally traumatic experience for me sleeping with her one moment, and her refusing to even hold my hand the next. It also sucked seeing her openly flirt with other guys in front of me. One day I just cut her off without warning. She breadcrumbed me a couple of times but I ignored. It took me a full 8 months to completely move past it, but when I did, I never looked back and felt 0 pain or interest in her.

 

Girl #2:

The only girlfriend I've ever had. The only time I've ever been in love. We dated, on but mainly off, for a year. We were both 24y/25y. The primary reason for our breakup was because she was still in contact with her ex-bf, despite assuring me a few times that she will cut him off. Turns out he still loved her, and she refused to let him go. So we broke up, but still acted like bf/gf and went out. She wanted me back so badly but I just refused to put a title on it. Part of me enjoyed the attention from her, and I became complacent.

 

Finally we both made dating profiles and started meeting others. Still we'd act like bf&gf though. And of course, she finally met someone decent and became serious, and that's when she cut me off. That's also when I realized I lost someone special. Did the whole begging and pleading thing. Interestingly enough, I realized from our conversations, that he was definitely a rebound. She was paranoid about her biological clock, and just wanted someone to be with and marry asap. It's been 4 years, and they're set to get married this year. I 100% still believe she's not fully happy with him. He's head over heels for her, but it's obvious she's marrying him out of fear of being alone. Don't ask me how I know it's a rebound, just take my word for it.

 

Ironically, this girl, my only experience of being in love, took me ONLY about a month to get over, not even. We're in the same social circle, so I wasn't even able to cut her off completely from my life. We were NC for like 2 months. But it was so easy getting over her. The key for me was:

 

1) realizing she's rebounding and that I'm much better off than her

2) realizing her paranoia with her biological clock and that she'd settle for anyone willing to take her

3) ruthlessly focusing on her mediocre looks (she wasn't that physically attractive, I fell for her killer personality). So I'd pound into my head all the unattractive things about her.

4) She had made it clear during the transition to the new bf that she still has feelings for me

 

So the whole thing was actually an easy one to get over. Those 3-4 weeks it took were really bad though. Panic attacks left and right. Depression, weight loss, the whole nine yards.

 

Girl #3:

 

It had been 3.5 years since my breakup with #2 when I met #3 this past January. In between I had gone on at least 1 date with or hooked up with between 20-30 women. In most cases it was me who wasn't interested in anything further. Then out of nowhere I met this 22y girl. She was exactly the type of girl for me: talkative, sense of humor, ambitious, adventurous. We went out a couple of times and she came on really really strong. Pretty much declared her love for me without actually saying the words. We made out extensively but nothing more. Then all of a sudden, she did a complete 180. And long story short, she told me the same exact thing happened with another dude. Some guy hit on her, they went out once, made out extensively, and lo and behold she's all into him.

 

The day I found this out, 2 weeks ago, is the last day I talked to her. Been NC since, blocked her on social media, etc. I've done a lot of thinking and have concluded that the reason for this behavior is

 

a) she's young and doesn't know what she wants, but more so

 

b) she likes the bad boy type. she's incapable of receiving or processing real love, like when a man takes her out on a proper date. she was ecstatic on our 2nd date, which was Valentine's day.

 

I have enough experience to know that you don't celebrate V day if it's only the 2nd date. But because of how strong she came on, I guess I fell for her quickly too. We talked about each other's goals in life and she told me how she was with one dude for 4 years and he never took her out, and I was the first person to ever take her out properly. Yet for some reason, the other guy she made out with right after me, apparently didn't give a crap about her. He just invited her over to his apt and that's where they hooked up. So wtf?

 

That's why I feel she is naturally attracted to what she knows best - men who don't treat her/take her out properly. Anyway, the whole thing has left me feeling tremendously, for the lack of a better word, beta. And that's what's so traumatizing. The thought that while I was planning these special adventures for us, she's showing up to some guy's place and he's getting action. It literally feels like a stab, and it's been so hard to get over.

 

I got over her, I just can't get over the trauma and the mental images. I know I can do better, and I know I'll meet someone good, hopefully soon. But I simply can't stop feeling like I was cheated. No we were never exclusive, and in fact she was honest and told me she wanted to play the field. But, coming on strong the way she did and saying how much she loved me, it can't be reversed like a light switch. It was already too late. It wasn't cheating, but I feel cheated. Unfortunately, I can't change how I feel. I really want to, but I can't.

 

Conclusion:

 

So with that in mind, I hear cheating is one of the hardest things to get over. I guess by extension, emotional trauma is hard to get over too. That's why girl #1, whom I clearly didn't love and didn't see a future with took forever to get over. While I got over girl #2, my one and only love, so quickly.

 

I am going out, meeting women, meeting people, doing everything in my power to move past this. But it is so damn hard. And the fear that the images and the trauma won't go away is killing me. And like I said, I just feel like a loser for treating her well. It's an incredible hit to the male ego.

 

I feel like I lost a certain innocence from this whole experience which I will never regain. I've had panic attacks, night sweats, and nightmares over this, and I hate it so much.

 

I just want reassurance. Can you confidently tell me I won't give a **** about this some time from now? That's all I want.

 

I apologize for the incredibly long post but I feel it was necessary to help understand me as a person.

 

 

Ye i been cheated on 4 times now its the most traumatic buut funnily enough quickest to get over its like a death that betrayal. my worst ones have been the long relationships especially the one now is done my head in we work together and its been hell on earth. she started seeing a coworker a fear i had came true lol long read my thread for details if u have time. suffice to say im at a point in my life where im really stuck moved interstate sold the home put all my eggs in one basket for her to corner me like this, so im kinda been in this mess for 6 mths where i love where i live but the poains causing me to reconsider leaving. itws not so easy to get a good paying job like the one io hav now here we live in like a touristy area. so ye dude i can relate. good luck it just takes time

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Bro... why you quote the OP when you're second poster D:

 

 

I think a lot of us have been there. I'm not *over* my ex, but I certainly don't give a damn about her and don't care if she's taking it in the back side. I had to give up a lot more than just her too in the breakup.

 

The early parts of a breakup suck. It's when the depression phase starts.

 

She's a whore bro. You're better off without her. It'll suck for awhile but ultimately while she's hopping around to douche bags she'll continuously get rejected because she's so easy for them.

 

I also wouldn't rush into "dating" other people. It kind of just brings back memories, and no matter how awesome the person you are dating is, you'll spend the entire time wishing they were her if enough time hasn't passed.

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Ye i been cheated on 4 times now its the most traumatic buut funnily enough quickest to get over its like a death that betrayal. my worst ones have been the long relationships especially the one now is done my head in we work together and its been hell on earth. she started seeing a coworker a fear i had came true lol long read my thread for details if u have time. suffice to say im at a point in my life where im really stuck moved interstate sold the home put all my eggs in one basket for her to corner me like this, so im kinda been in this mess for 6 mths where i love where i live but the poains causing me to reconsider leaving. itws not so easy to get a good paying job like the one io hav now here we live in like a touristy area. so ye dude i can relate. good luck it just takes time

 

That's where you and I differ. Historically it's been much tougher dealing with betrayal and trauma than it has been in losing a loving relationship, for me. Hence my fear that this will take a long long time.

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I also wouldn't rush into "dating" other people. It kind of just brings back memories, and no matter how awesome the person you are dating is, you'll spend the entire time wishing they were her if enough time hasn't passed.

 

I found a study that says, contrary to popular opinion, people who rebound quicker are happier. Aka, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

 

Best way to get over someone really is to get UNDER someone according to new study on rebound relationships | Daily Mail Online

 

I think it takes a level of maturity to not compare new potentials to your ex. Have to go in with an open mind and try to appreciate people for who they are. I am dating again and already found someone interesting. Been out with her once only but really hoping for a 2nd date. I also found 2 that I'm not interested in at all.

 

Anyway some hope, positive news. After my date yesterday with this new girl, I feel significantly better about the previous chick. For some reason I am worried I won't get a 2nd date, but I was happy to see that yes there are other potentials out there and they will help you forget past traumas.

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ML Hammer95

Mate, the first girl you described reminds me of my ex in certain ways. It felt like emotional abuse and am still trying to work through the trauma of what happened. Lasted about the same amount of time too!

 

I sense my own journey of recovering is only just beginning. Any tips or advice or reassurance from anybody would be great.

 

How would you define 'emotional trauma'?

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You'll definitely get over it without a doubt, but only if you take the steps to get over it.

 

For a start your perspective needs to shift. Looking for a deep emotional commitment from a 22 year old woman in the western world isn't going to happen. Women are generally at an experimental stage at that age. If I date a woman that young I give her space to enjoy and experiment and leave when she wants, I will also leave at the first demonstration of bad behavior.

 

If you want a deeper emotional commitment with a young woman, you might want to try going to other countries and dating the women there, other cultures still aim to settle and have kids in the 20's.

 

I'll go over your GF history, and I apologize for being direct.

 

Girl#1 You dated a psychotic girl for 15 months. Why would you date her for longer than 5 minutes? Unless she's in therapy she's not going to change. Such a person is not ready for a relationship.

 

Girl #2 You say that this is the only GF you've loved but you dated on mainly off for a year. Thats not love dude, that's a traumatic experience which you allowed to happen. It seems you're associating trauma with love. First sign of a woman's links with an ex, head for the door.

 

Girl #3 She humped you then headed for the door. Probably came out with all sorts of emotional stuff to get your pants off. She's 22, they tend to do that at that age in the modern western world. You can accept and enjoy it, or date women who have a higher sense of emotional maturity.

 

 

The absolute priority is to look after yourself first. I'm not a psychologist but I can see that its not these girls that are really causing this, its something going on in you. Look after your health; get to the gym or whatever physical activity you're into, read books on healing, watch what fuel you put into your body.

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Mate, the first girl you described reminds me of my ex in certain ways. It felt like emotional abuse and am still trying to work through the trauma of what happened. Lasted about the same amount of time too!

 

I sense my own journey of recovering is only just beginning. Any tips or advice or reassurance from anybody would be great.

 

How would you define 'emotional trauma'?

 

Well, to start with, I'm a guy in touch with my emotions..more than most men. So what may be traumatic for me may not be for others. But I define it as any event causing deep anxiety or depression, or repeat visualizations in your head. I guess kind of like PTSD.

 

Anyway as far as some tips: make her your enemy, learn to hate her. Most people will tell you otherwise but that helped me more than anything. Eventually I got over it and became indifferent. Figure out what about her, physical or otherwise, is unattractive. And amplify that in your head. That's how I got over the first two.

 

Third one is trickier since she's attractive, but I've learned that what also helps is moving on quickly. Take a few days to reflect but really throw yourself out there into the dating pool. Meet as many women as humanly possible. You run the risk of comparing her to your ex, but that's where the tips from the above paragraph help. If you focus on what makes the ex unattractive, you'll learn to not pedestal. It takes real serious focus.

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I'll go over your GF history, and I apologize for being direct.

 

Girl#1 You dated a psychotic girl for 15 months. Why would you date her for longer than 5 minutes? Unless she's in therapy she's not going to change. Such a person is not ready for a relationship.

 

Yes and I learned that the hard way. One of my biggest regrets is wasting time, during my prime years, with her. I had ZERO dating experience when we got together, even though I was a senior in college. I had also kissed only 1 girl before her, and done nothing else. I was a late bloomer. It was infatuation, and I guess her psychotic personality also was very charming.

 

I confused this feeling for "love". I also didn't know any better and tried and tried until I couldn't bear it anymore, which is when I decided to NC. Nowadays I've learned to have more self respect and would drop her in 5 minutes, but back then I knew nothing.

 

 

Girl #2 You say that this is the only GF you've loved but you dated on mainly off for a year. Thats not love dude, that's a traumatic experience which you allowed to happen. It seems you're associating trauma with love. First sign of a woman's links with an ex, head for the door.

 

No this wasn't trauma. It was love. I don't think being in love is mutually exclusive with having an on/off relationship. Yes she made mistakes but so did I, and she wanted me badly. We both regret the breakup, her more than me. We're both 30 now, and she's in a bad position, engaged to someone who doesn't excite her.

 

But she's a female at 30, and desperate unfortunately. If she came back to me I'd give it another shot, but she won't. Because she knows that it would mean uncertainty and maybe like another year for her to get a ring, assuming we work out. Sad.

Edited by Kitchen
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