"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Altair0770]

So I've been here daily. I've done my research and stuff to help get me over a relationship I no longer want. I've taken my experience from talking to many people that have had long term relationships, been dumped, have dumped, and have read many other forums too about peoples opinions. And then I have the main things I've learned in my healing process.

 

So, I've decided a fun idea - how about regulars here on LS make a nice little "guide" about how to deal with relationship breakups.

 

DISCLAIMER: This is written in a MALE perspective. Might be different for females

 

From what I've experienced is this for relationships. Early in the breakup, hardly anyone is ever going to be like "oh okay" and move on without thinking "omg how do I get them back?" We all hear the "NC isn't about getting them back, it's about healing". This is very true, but it takes dumpees awhile to reach that acceptance stage where this person isn't actually going to come back.

 

So, while this guide could be used to get an ex back, it's mainly also to help dumpees (and even dumpers) regain their self esteem, move on from a relationship, and continue their lives. Mainly to understand what you're going through.

 

This isn't a set in stone guide. It's actually a discussion. EVERY situation is different. Feel free to change/discuss things in the comments

 

 

First let's discuss the "stages" that a dumpee and dumper tend to go through. Again, all these are from multiple people I've talked to about their situations. Feel free to change based on your experiences. Everyone is different (I have a feeling I'll have this disclaimer multiple times)

 

Stages

 

NOTE: there is no general order. These can happen in any order. Also no timeline

 

Dumpee

 

1) Shock and Denial - Even when the dumpee sees it coming, there is always that initial shock, and often denial. Denial isn't like "that didn't really happen" it's more of denying sub-conciously that the relationship is over. You feel like you are still together and can salvage it as long as you talk it out.

 

2) Depression - You start realizing what actually happened, that you are no longer together. The SO you thought you would someday get married to, have kids and live that dream you talked to about is gone. You start imaging them being intimate with someone else. Your heart sinks and you can't bear to let that happen.

 

3) Anger - You start thinking of how that horrible ex ripped your heart out after you did so many good things for them. How they treated you so poorly when they broke up with you, and every little thing they did that upset you or even frustrated you a tad bit keeps you up all night just wanting to call them up and cuss them out.

 

4) Bargaining - You start thinking about how you can live your life without them, and you start realizing that you aren't the terrible person that deserved to have their heart ripped out of their chest. You start imaging them on their knees begging you to come back, even though they haven't yet. While that image is in your head, you start imaging yourself with all the decisions of a reconciliation, and having all the power. "maybe if you do this I'll take you back."

 

5) Acceptance - You realize that the relationship ending may have been a good thing. You start being okay with your ex being with someone else and are ready to move forward in a life. You start doing things without sulking in bed all day. You realize you will be okay, and have much in life to experience, and that you will get to experience that regardless of if your ex is with you or not.

 

6) Over it - at this point you don't give a damn about your ex. They're just another person. There are no feelings what so ever. You look back and are wondering why you ever were so miserable when they dumped you.

 

 

Dumper

 

1) Relief - Relief doesn't mean "omg I'm finally done with them!" (although that can sometimes be the case). It's more of "I've been pinning on this decision for awhile, and I've finally done it.

 

2) Guilt - They start feeling like the bad person for dumping someone. They realize they broke someones heart, hurt them, and have to live with that decision, even if it's the best for them. The guilt isn't enough to reconcile, and often the guilt lasts a long time.

 

3a) Regret/Questioning - The dumper starts realizing life without the dumpee in it. They start really missing the dumpee and start having thoughts of regret. "Did I make the right decision?" Doesn't mean fully regret the breakup, but are starting to regret that the relationship didn't work out.

 

3b) Realization - The dumper either starts second guessing, or they realize that life is better without the dumpee in it, and start moving on.

 

4) Longing - This is where the dumper really starts to miss the dumpee. Especially when times are rough for the dumper. They feel unloved, feel hated, and start really missing having someone there for them.

 

5) Acceptance - Just like the dumpee, they start realizing that they are okay without their ex. They can live life and find someone new, which is ultimately what they wanted in the first place.

 

6) Over it - just like the dumpee, they can think of their ex and laugh it off, as they have no more feelings towards that person.

 

 

REMEMBER, THESE ARE IN NO ORDER (except acceptance/over it are always the last phases). NOR DOES EVERY DUMPEE/DUMPER EXPERIENCE THESE. Also note to dumpees - just because a dumper goes through their stages of grief, doesn't mean it's ever enough to reconcile. Do not get false hope because your dumper is feeling depressed. They may miss you, but not enough to reconcile.

 

Social Media

 

Should I block my ex? Unfriend them on Facebook? Keep them on there so I can pretend I'm okay and not sulking (despite I am)?

 

 

The way I view it, and many will disagree I'm sure. The dumper made the decision to dump you. The consequence (many dumpers tend to forget) is that they are willing to let you leave their life PERMANENTLY. This is where those regret/longing stages come from. They loved you at one point (or so we believe) and you meant the world to them at one point. They have ultimately made the decision to let you leave their life PERMANENTLY. Key word: PERMANENTLY.

 

So, in my opinion, when it comes to social media you should unfriend/block them. This will also work to your advantage if you want reconciliation. My view is block them completely from social media, erase their phone number, but don't block them on the phone. This way if they EVER do want to reconcile, they have that option via phone. Since you deleted their number, you have no way of reaching out to them (unless you somehow remember their number with todays technology).

 

Although you will be curious about what they're up to, so will they. If you leave them on social media, ofc they will peak and look at your stuff. Trust me, you do not want them to. You want to disappear completely from your life (more on that later). You also do not want to give in to the urges to view their stuff. You *NEVER* want to see their stuff, even if you see that they're miserable and depressed and crying every single night because you're gone. That means absolutely NOTHING unless they personally reach out to you with "I want you back".

 

Becoming a mystery does many good things. It helps you move on faster because you won't be seeing their crap. It makes them unable to see how you're doing. Believe it or not that is a good thing. Curiosity killed the cat is a saying for a reason. They will start to wonder about you.

 

It's also very important that you make it so mutual friends CANNOT see what you're doing. This is very hard to do in reality if you still hang with those friends, but the way I see it is no matter how mutual the friends are, if they hang with both of you, beans will be spilled. Also, generally people take a side sub-conciously. Mutual friends are almost always a bad thing unfortunately when it comes to breakups, because they generally accidentally spread news about each other, and you'll be tempted to ask how your ex is doing if you know they have talked to that friend.

 

Last but not least - set all your social media to PRIVATE. If you do not wish to set anything to private, then stay away from social media in general, or do *NOT* post ANYTHING remotely CLOSE to your ex. No love song lyrics, no quotes about love, NOTHING. Anything you say will be over analyzed and assumed it's about your ex. Also try to post less frequently, and especially do not post your life story. No "Heading to the grocery store lol!" "I just got done at the store lol!" "Getting a haircut at this place, here's the address lol!". Nope. Remain a mystery. Don't post anything about your new SO if you have one, unless you are 100% in the "over it" stage.

 

No Contact

 

Go view the stickyed thread for an indepth version of the NC. Though here is my opinion on it.

 

No Contact seems easy, difficult as hell to follow, but is often used by dumpees that start making their own version of it. Here is the very basic thing about no contact:

 

DO NOT *EVER* CONTACT YOUR EX!!!!!!!!!!

 

What about birthdays?

 

Nope.

 

Holidays?

 

Nope.

 

I saw they had a death in the family. Send my condolences?

 

Nope.

 

I called them dirty names when we broke up. Was really rude. Should I apologize?

 

N-O-P-E.

 

I see that they're depressed, lonely, and crying about me. Their friends say they're miserable without me. I feel like this is my best chance to get them back! One little hello won't hurt right?

 

Guess what the answer is. hint: it rhymes with dope

 

 

Now here's where most people fail at No Contact. They stalk their ex. They think No contact means they simply do not contact their ex. They ignore them. They act like their ex is gone completely, but know their ex is watching them and so they try to gloat and impress their ex by showing how fun they are. BIG MISTAKE. The second you start living your life to impress someone is the second you stop living your life for you, and that is exactly what you need to be doing. No Contact is for *YOU* and them coming back is just a little bonus. No contact is a win-win. You reach "over it" phase or they come back.

 

The proper use of no contact can be summarized down to one word - DISAPPEAR.

 

Disappear completely from their lives. That means no showing them through social media/mutual friends how great you're doing with attempts to impress them. No giving out any information about what you're doing in your life. NOTHING. You are gone, dead, and never coming back. You are like Arya Stark - no one. (spoiler alert).

 

Oh, and one big thing - they are dead too. They are gone, dead, and never coming back. Disappear from their lives so you become a mystery, and make them disappear from your life so you can reach "over it".

 

Anything you hear about an ex you will always over-analyze it. ALWAYS. "I miss him" will cause you to over analyze the situation. Does she want me back? Does she want me to txt her? Oh dammit I broke NC and she didn't want to reconcile (or he. Works both ways). And everything your ex says, unless it's "I want to get back together" will be less than what you think it means. Even "I made a mistake" doesn't mean they want to get back together. They may be 100% true about that, but that doesn't mean they want to reconcile. They have to specify that. But point being, is you WILL over analyze everything. Trust me. I saw my ex was WAY WORSE than I was (and she may be even now). I thought my chances were great at winning her back. I made her so very happy. Guess what happened? "I just want you as a friend". Yep...

 

Moral of the story/less - DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY FROM THEIR LIFE AND MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR FROM YOURS.

 

 

It's been 30 days...

 

Ah, the relationship guru's favorite tactic. 30 days no contact, build yourself up, text them a question to make them remember a great memory about you two. Build up attraction through text. Move to phone calls. Plan a date to meet up. Then reconcile. But in reality this is what happens.

 

1) Promise the best chance to get an ex back

2) Give a half-arsed version of what to do

3) Promote E-book

4) ?????

5) Profit

 

Let's face it, who wouldn't want to make thousands of dollars off of desperate men or women that would pay ANYTHING to have the love of their life back when they're extremely emotionally vulnerable because they just had their heart ripped out? Well, probably a lot of people because that's cruel, but as we all know in a world of 8 billion people, there are going to be those out there that will profit off of anything.

 

So I'll cut to the chase and debunk a few things (Oh, I'm not getting paid to write any of this. I'm just a nice guy, right?)

 

1) There are no quizzes online that will even remotely accurately predict your chances of getting an ex back. Those quizzes will always give you false hope with a little breathing room incase you fail at getting your ex back. They know NOTHING of your ex, or even about you, or even about both of your feelings. No one will be able to accurately predict that, and sometimes we don't even know our own feelings. Listen to those like you'd listen to your ex during NC (which means don't listen to them).

 

2) 30 days isn't enough time for you to be emotionally stable to talk to your ex and be in the position to get them back. If you are, you never loved your ex anyways.

 

3) They will always have a disclaimer that no one can guarantee that you will win your ex back. This is basically their way of escaping any fault if it doesn't work out (which it won't). They will all say "we've helped thousands of people!" but have nothing to back it up.

 

4) Yes, at this phase your ex will start missing you, but remember, they have to contact you first.

 

 

Moral of the story - NC is permanent until they reconcile, or you're 100% sure you're in the "over it" and are completely okay with communicating with them and never having that chance at reconciliation. There is NO TIME LIMIT on NC. Read these forums, people have come back after 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, and 25+ years.

 

 

The Length of No Contact

 

 

Read the last paragraph. Seriously. Question answered. Okay fine I'll write it again.

 

 

Should I go 30 days? 2 months? 3 months? 6 months? When should I reach out to my ex to try to reconcile? If you're the dumper, the answer is IMMEDIATELY. If you're the dumpee, the answer is the complete opposite. NEVER.

 

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

and umm...

NEVER

 

If you're in NC properly, you'll be on your way to healing that eventually never is something you're okay with.

 

YOU SHOULD NEVER BREAK NC WITH YOUR EX IF YOU WERE DUMPED AND STILL LOOKING TO RECONCILE

 

Now you may be thinking that "hey, I should send this one letter letting them know I still love them, care about them, and if they change their mind to let me know". Nope. You should never contact an ex. Even if you broke up and called them a (insert a bunch of bad words here), you should never break NC. Even if you feel guilty, think you need closure, think you might increase your chances if you were open about your feelings, you are wrong.

 

Not just to get your ex back, but to heal. Any and everytime you break NC, you push your ex further away, and you push yourself further back in the healing process.

 

Also a reminder - using mutual friends to communicate is breaking NC. Looking them up on social media is breaking no contact. Seeing them in person is breaking no contact. Posting stuff on social media knowing they'll see it and are hoping they'll get a reaction out of it is breaking no contact.

 

Do we need to define NC again? Why not - YOU ARE DEAD TO THEM AND THEY ARE DEAD TO YOU.

 

Breadcrumbs

 

Imagine the world's greatest sandwich in your hands. Oh it's so delicious. You're enjoying every minute of gobbling down that delicious sandwich. Sure there are parts where you wish there was more mayo, or the turkey is a little dry. But overall you feel great munching on it. But then you get to the end. It's all gone, and all you have left sitting on your lap is a bunch of breadcrumbs.

 

The sandwich is your ex giving their all in your relationship. Making you feel so great and amazing. Showering you with the affection you want, being there for you and wanting only you. The breadcrumbs are what's left of that affection. It will remind you of that amazing sandwich, but ultimately you want to be eating that sandwich again, and not just the left over, mediocre parts.

 

So what exactly are breadcrumbs?

 

These are when your ex breaks NC. You have been enjoying life, forgetting about that sandwich and are enjoying the side salad. They text you, "hey. Hope you're doing well".

 

Your heart drops into your stomach but also somehow blocks your throat. All the memories you forgot about come rushing into your head. You start over analyzing everything. "omg they messaged me does my ex want me back?".

 

Now let's go back to that sandwich. You're either one of two people. You either say "oh gross, breadcrumbs" and wipe them away and continue eating your side salad. Or you're one of those people that say "oh yum! Breadcrumbs! Maybe it'll taste exactly like the sandwich again". And then you eat them and realize that was gross.

 

Here's some advice - be the one that says "oh gross!" and wipe them away. You don't want breadcrumbs you want the whole sandwich (or you'd rather enjoy a different flavor).

 

Hopefully all my metaphors are making sense, but if not, I'll try to simplify it later.

 

So let's say your ex texts you, "hey (you), hope you're doing well". Or anything that does not say, "I want to get back together". Literally it *must* say that.

 

What do you do?

 

Brush those crumbs off your shirt and continue your side salad until you're hungry for a new and better sandwich. Aka ignore and continue NC. If they want to reconcile, they will start handing you a new sandwich, and will try again.

 

I've seen enough threads on these forums where people respond to breadcrumbs, even in a simple way, and then question why they haven't had a response in a week or so. I've also seen people ignore and not receive a response in a week or so. Both these cases have the same thing in common - their ex didn't want to reconcile.

 

Now, let's say you DO choose to respond to these breadcrumbs. Keep in mind you WILL be breaking No Contact if you choose to respond.

 

Now let's make a trade. I just finished my sandwich and have some breadcrumbs. I'll try these to you, and you give me a fresh, brand new sandwich.

 

That seems legit right? Not at all. My point being is that you should absolutely *NEVER* respond to breadcrumbs with any information about you.

 

No "omg I miss you, was so glad you texted me!"

No "hey sorry to hear your cat died"

No "hey I'm doing well. just went and got a haircut. Looking fabulous"

 

None of that. Remember, THEY made the decision to cut you completely from their life. They have *NO* right to know about you. THEY made that decision.

 

Now there is a lot of debate on how to respond to breadcrumbs.

 

"bring a bottle of wine to my place, friday at 8"

 

"Hey, hope you're well too"

 

"thank you"

 

"do not contact me unless you want a relationship"

 

ect.

 

Either way, the main thing should ultimately result in indifference. Keep in mind indifference isn't something you can fake. You have to be in that stage. The moment you hear something you don't want to, your emotions will cloud your ability to fake indifference.

 

But why do exes send breadcrumbs? Could be a million reasons, and you won't ever know the truth.

 

- They could just miss you, and want to hear your voice again, but not want to reconcile

 

- They are in the "guilt" stage as a dumper and want to feel better

 

- Their new toy wasn't as fun, and want an ego boost

 

- They want to know someone loves them

 

- They want to friendzone you

 

- They need to know something only you can answer

 

 

Heck I could write a massive list but I won't. But remember - unless they specify that they want to reconcile, all breadcrumbs should be taken with a grain of salt (and I'm not trying to make a metaphor there). It's okay to nibble at the breadcrumbs, as some dumpers do want to reconcile but fear rejection. But, remember....

 

- No "I miss you too. I love you too."

 

- No personal information/updates about your life

 

- No emotions

 

- Complete indifference

 

If you do respond, remember - a sandwich for a sandwich. Not a sandwich for breadcrumbs.

 

I can't stop thinking about my ex

 

We've all been there, which is why we're all here.

 

It's 100% normal to go days, weeks, months, sometimes years with your ex constantly on your mind. It's the worst immediately after a breakup.

 

Let yourself grieve. It's okay. It doesn't matter if you're an 18 year old girl or a 45 year old man. It's okay to cry. It hurts. It's devastating. We feel numb. We feel like we just want to lay in bed all day and cry. That is perfectly normal. After all, who doesn't go through a heartbreak thinking the one they were dumped by was going to be the person we marry. The person we'd have kids with? Let yourself grieve. Don't try to fight it. Let the process happen.

 

There is no quick fix to a broken heart. There are only ways to delay the process.

 

Obviously go No Contact (proper no contact). Start creating goals for yourself. This is why people recommend gong to the gym. Set a goal to yourself. You want to bench 300lbs. You want to lose 40lbs of fat. Start reading a book (preferably not a love story). Start enjoying a TV show. Start jogging and see how many miles you can jog before needing to rest.

 

Start hanging around buddies. Preferably ones of the opposite sex (unless you're homosexual, then ones of the same sex). Start seeing there are other options out there. Start meeting new people. Join a club. Research something that has always interested you. Watch the news. Listen to talk shows and podcasts. Things that will start to spark your interest that will slowly, overtime, start making you think of your ex less and less.

 

One trick I also do is start comparing my ex to people that annoy me that have similar traits. For example, my ex is a HUGE taker (and a narcissist). I start hanging around other takers and start getting fed up. I then imagine myself 2-3 years after marriage with my ex, and picture myself scolding her for not saying thank you. It helped push me into acceptance phase rather quickly, and I now see that I don't want a relationship with my ex and cannot wait to be in the "over-it" phase.

 

It *WILL* get better. Slowly, but eventually.

 

My Ex wanted me to be friends

 

This is actually a good thing and I think it actually increases your chances of reconciliation if you want that. However, don't bank on it. You should still imagine your chance at reconciliation at zero, because they probably are.

 

But here's an easy answer - DO NOT DO IT. You'd rather be a hated ex than stuck in the friendzone if you ever want to reconcile. Once you are friendzoned, you are never getting out. Well, maybe, but very very unlikely. if your chance at reconciliation is at zero.. your chance at getting out of the friendzone are somehow even worse than that.

 

Once your ex thinks you'll stick around and be their friend, they lose most, if not all, thoughts of reconciliation. After all, they get everything they want out of you with zero commitment.

 

Yep. Even if you're kissing. Even if you're having sex. Even if you're the shoulder to cry on. You'll never get that relationship back because you gave them everything they wanted when they broke up with you. Zero guilt. Zero regret. Zero longing. Zero commitment. And the second you think everything is going great and everything is going your way in your fantasy of being in a relationship when you're not, they find someone they are committing too, and you become a friend that fills ALL the voids that their new interest does not. This means that if they get a new fling, as long as you're around to fill the voids, even if your ex has a few problems with their new fling, they will not get out of the relationship because they have everything they want with you being the side salad while they're munching on the sandwich that may not be perfect, but good enough to keep eating. (okay I'm seriously making a sandwich after typing all this).

 

 

My ex has a new interest. What do I do?

 

N-O C-O-N-T-A-C-T

 

As I literally just wrote above. If you're sticking around while your ex is dating someone new, you fill all the voids the new interest does not. They won't miss you. They won't remember you when they fight with their new interest. They won't regret anything at all if you're still in the picture, and if anything you will push them closer together.

 

First, you shouldn't even know they have a new interest because you should be in proper no contact, which means you know nothing of them.

 

Second, if you're out of the picture - disappeared and gone - your ex's new interest is responsible for being better than you. Your ex will compare. Sometimes the positives, sometimes the negatives. S/he will say "dang, this new fling is cuter but isn't as sweet as my ex". With you in the picture it's "dang my new fling is so cute, but I need someone to cheer me up. I'll contact my ex that's actually now my best friend".

 

It is *NOT* your responsibility to make your ex feel good after they dumped you. Don't do it. Best bet is to move on. If your ex breaks up with the new interest, you know they'll be thinking of you. If you're still in the picture, they'll come to you and be "oh you're so sweet, I'm so glad to have a friend like you."

 

 

What is the best way to get my ex back??

 

Admit it. You've looked it up. You've tried to find answers. What is the best way possible to get my ex back? How do I win back their love? How do I get them begging, pleading, and regretting to take me back?

 

Here is the easy way

 

- No Contact (disappear)

- Reach "over it" phase

 

No, that does *NOT* mean that this is 100% chance of working to get an ex back. It doesn't mean that AT ALL. Remember, the NUMBER ONE thing you should be doing after being dumped is HEALING. An ex coming back is really just an added bonus, if it even happens (don't bank on it).

 

There really is no way to increase your chances of getting an ex back. There are only ways of decreasing your chances.

 

You don't need to prove your love after they broke up with you. You don't need to do anything to increase your chances of them coming back. All those things you needed to prove and all those things you needed to do should have been done when you were still together and in a relationship. Doing so after they have made the decision to break up with you only pushes them away and decreases your chances. You don't need to remind them of anything - they already know.

 

The best possible thing you can do is simple - follow no contact. Remember, it's a win-win. You either heal and "get over it", or you get them back. Your goal, no matter what, should be "get over it".

 

Trying to get their attention, trying to contact them, being in the picture, being their shoulder to cry on, being their person to go for advice, getting updates about you via social media/mutual friends, all decrease your chances of getting your ex back.

 

Process should be this.

 

- get dumped

- Start NC immediately

- Disappear

- Heal

- Get over it

 

There is no "how to increase my chances". It's only "how do I not decrease my chances".

 

 

Also just remember - you deserve to be loved. Don't settle for being a plan B. Most cases you were dumped because they thought they could find someone better. Do you want someone that puts you as a plan B? Someone that thinks you're great, but not the best? Was your relationship really that good?

 

And finally - if you are the dumpee, it is not your job at all to repair what was broken. That is why it's called "broken up". The dumper is the one that initiated the break. It is their job to fix it. Always make them work towards reconciliation, not the other way around (unless your dumper specified what were issues in the relationship. You should always try to better yourself). It is their job to come back, not yours.

 

You reap what you sow.

You make your bed, you must lay in it

This was their choice, make them suffer the consequences

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alright I'm tired as hell from typing all that. Opinions? Concerns? Questions? Remember, this isn't a set in stone guide. This is just mainly to build a discussion and hopefully help a lot of people before they make mistakes that could set them back.

 

Thanks for reading. Happy healing.

[jamili]

Nice job

 

 

"bring a bottle of wine to my place, friday at 8"

Also lol the Hunk-move is gaining momentum

[todreaminblue]

true

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps

 

now you know how a female feels with one word answers after typing a monolith....have a lovely day..

 

kidding....i think ther are no hard and fast rules in relationships ...anything that is weird, strange , testing...choppy, wonderful or surprising can and does happen..eveyone in every relationship has unique endings and beginnings.........no contact is for the purpose..... of healing.......deb

[Sweetfish]

I have one issue with your list and with other list in the stages of a dumpee.

 

A dumpee stages are more like 1, 2, 3, 2, 3, 4, 2, 6 lol

 

I believe many will shift around between stages...

 

I agree a dumpee should NEVER contact the dumper.. You have no idea what stage they are in and how many months or years they can be in stage 2. Stage 3 could possibly happen years after a new relationship fizzles and suddenly the dumper starts processing the old relationship.

 

The dumpee shouldn't put themselves in this position.

[Altair0770]

true

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps

 

now you know how a female feels with one word answers after typing a monolith....have a lovely day..

 

kidding....i think ther are no hard and fast rules in relationships ...anything that is weird, strange , testing...choppy, wonderful or surprising can and does happen..eveyone in every relationship has unique endings and beginnings.........no contact is for the purpose..... of healing.......deb

 

ok

 

 

10 characters.

[Goodguy05]

Brilliant. I wish this guise was around 25 yrs ago cause it's taken about that tIME and 5 broken hearts yes I'm the dumpee in most cases dumper twice to say everything u say is 110% correct especially NC. My ex wife did that tri3d to come back i said no initially because I'd met someone but it played wth my head then as soon as I statted contacting her it went hot n cold till she wanted a divorce. Yes they left because they were looking for someone better or more suitable so that's a huge thing to be aware or that alone shld give one enough confidence to go NC

[todreaminblue]

ok

 

 

10 characters.

 

 

grrrrrrrrrrr....lol...smilin...deb

[Gene Clark]

This was really insightful, I can't thank you enough, this should be pinned! (sorry for double posting, had to edit)

 

I've been in strict NC for a whole month!

Unfortunately, I have to admit I wasn't strong enough to remain in NC during the first three weeks (we broke up in mid February)

 

What I basically did was

 

 

Now you may be thinking that "hey, I should send this one letter letting them know I still love them, care about them, and if they change their mind to let me know".

 

I told her I respected her decision and would be moving on with or without her, but that I still believed in us and wanted to give us another shot.

 

She replied saying she was also in pain and that time is the best cure yadda yadda that she'd consider my request yadda yadda would contact me when she felt ready but that life should go on in the mean time.

 

Have I sabotaged the little dignity I had left? Was what I did repulsive? Have I made things much worse by contacting her?

Edited April 8, 2017 by Gene Clark

[foofightingguy]

Just wanted to say, I love how this is written.

I laughed a bit reading it.

 

Great stuff summing a lot of the need to know info here.

[Arya1]

Altair, job well done with your post!

 

My relationship ended 2months ago after 5 years together, engaged and lived together. Complete no contact has not got to happen. Reason being he is finishing up some remodeling so the house can be sold.

 

So I'm in this I guess minimal contact with my ex. Only communication is I send dates that I work so he can come over and work on those projects as we both agreed he should not live here after he ended the relationship. I'm treating it like a business deal.

 

So with that being said, I find this minimal contact delaying my healing process. I too want to reach the "over it" stage. AND it's been 2 months and the projects are not getting done, barley a dent in it really. I was told bathroom could be done in roughly 5-6 full days. Patio hasn't even been started. Those are the two projects.

 

My thought was maybe he has changed his mind about finishing the projects. Which I can understand. Only thing I know is if I was in his shoes I would either get it done asap or tell the other person I changed my mind, esp. If i was the dumper.

 

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if I need to know if our schedules are not matching up to where he can be here when I'm not, or to find out if he's gonna do it or not. Or if I should just let it play out. Thoughts?

[cp30]

Mine won't let me stay in no contact because when we find ourselves in the same place (and I'm acting like he's dead to me, which he is) he always finds a reason to strike up a conversation.

 

I finally unfriended him on Facebook after a mutual friend let it slip that he's involved with someone, and also because I kept seeing that he was adding more mutual friends (friends of mine he knew while we were dating, why he's only adding them now, I have no idea) including a guy friend that I've started spending more time with who he doesn't really know at all. I just need to not see all of that.

 

I wish I had known about this forum when he broke NC the first time. I wish I never would have replied.

[Altair0770]

Mine won't let me stay in no contact because when we find ourselves in the same place (and I'm acting like he's dead to me, which he is) he always finds a reason to strike up a conversation.

 

I finally unfriended him on Facebook after a mutual friend let it slip that he's involved with someone, and also because I kept seeing that he was adding more mutual friends (friends of mine he knew while we were dating, why he's only adding them now, I have no idea) including a guy friend that I've started spending more time with who he doesn't really know at all. I just need to not see all of that.

 

I wish I had known about this forum when he broke NC the first time. I wish I never would have replied.

 

From here on out tell your friends (that are accepting his friend requests) that you do not wish to know ANYTHING about him and that you do not want him to know anything about you. I would also block him. Did he start adding people are you unfriended him? If so, he's likely using them to start spying on you.

[Altair0770]

This was really insightful, I can't thank you enough, this should be pinned! (sorry for double posting, had to edit)

 

I've been in strict NC for a whole month!

Unfortunately, I have to admit I wasn't strong enough to remain in NC during the first three weeks (we broke up in mid February)

 

What I basically did was

 

 

 

I told her I respected her decision and would be moving on with or without her, but that I still believed in us and wanted to give us another shot.

 

She replied saying she was also in pain and that time is the best cure yadda yadda that she'd consider my request yadda yadda would contact me when she felt ready but that life should go on in the mean time.

 

Have I sabotaged the little dignity I had left? Was what I did repulsive? Have I made things much worse by contacting her?

 

 

No. But you did put any "process" of reconciliation back at day 1, and your healing process at day 1.

[AlexM123]

Really appreciate this post! Although my situation is a long distance one (we've never met) I feel like most or all of this is spot on. Definitely wish I would've went NC right after the breakup but tried to be friends on and off for a month before I went full NC. Reading you say the dumpee should NEVER contact the dumper definitely has helped me stay disciplined in my urges to text her.

[jamili]

This was really insightful, I can't thank you enough, this should be pinned! (sorry for double posting, had to edit)

 

I've been in strict NC for a whole month!

Unfortunately, I have to admit I wasn't strong enough to remain in NC during the first three weeks (we broke up in mid February)

 

What I basically did was

 

 

 

I told her I respected her decision and would be moving on with or without her, but that I still believed in us and wanted to give us another shot.

 

She replied saying she was also in pain and that time is the best cure yadda yadda that she'd consider my request yadda yadda would contact me when she felt ready but that life should go on in the mean time.

 

Have I sabotaged the little dignity I had left? Was what I did repulsive? Have I made things much worse by contacting her?

 

You didn't sabatoge. First three weeks is early, some people are still making big mistakes like begging and pleading at that time, you did much better- your request sounds calm and reasonsble.

 

Dumper probably hasnt even started the stages yet, you have a longggggggggggggg way to go, just dont send anything else ever

[cp30]

From here on out tell your friends (that are accepting his friend requests) that you do not wish to know ANYTHING about him and that you do not want him to know anything about you. I would also block him. Did he start adding people are you unfriended him? If so, he's likely using them to start spying on you.

 

Oh, I have not asked for information and they have been very good about not sharing it, minus that one blip. But it was the blip that I needed to move forward, so I can't be mad about that, can I?

 

I'm not sure about him adding more mutual friends because I don't think I would see that since unfriending him, anyway. But we have so many mutual friends (including my best friend) that it wouldn't be hard for him to spy on me if he wanted to.

[SevenCity]

This is a great guide and makes me want a sandwich . One item I always question is to not respond to anything short of "I want you back".

 

Most dumpers, if they reach that stage, won't have enough confidence to make themselves that vulnerable. Most will dip a toe in the water because they are scared *****less of rejection (read a recent thread about a female poster who was "cut to the bone" after being rejected by one guy she once asked out).

 

Women do not handle rejection well AT ALL. And, the fact is, most dumpers / divorcers are women. Women dump most of the time....FACT. Many have never actually been dumped themselves - I've met / dated many who were always the dumpers.

 

So I think it's important that you take into account the aversion to rejection that most women possess. That said, if a woman is typically terrified of being rejected, why would them coming back be any different?

 

Women are not as direct as guys as well. How many posts do you see here with a dude asking what she means by "I just need space", "It's not going to work, right now", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", ""I'm not sure where I'm able to be at this point in my life", etc, etc, etc.

 

I fully agree that most of the time they only want you for an ego boost or crutch. But women, just like they rarely go up to a guy and ask them out, are much more apprehensive to say "I made a huge mistake and I want you back". It's terrifying for them. Furthermore, their indirect approach would usually negate being so open - especially to an ex that they are not sure wants them (as they usually only come back once it's too late).

 

I tend to think that once a woman launches the nuke, there is no going back. You are either too hurt, don't trust them anymore, or are over them and have zero interest.

 

And through my extensive research and personal experience, you won't fully be over a woman until you find someone better. To use your analogy, you'll always be hungry until you get another sandwich. And you'll always miss the last sandwich until you find a better one. So get out there and start looking!

[Corsican1]

Altair, Thank you for that...

So very well stated !!!

 

What are your thought on the nuance described below ?

 

By reading your post

I realize that I broke NC 3 weeks after the BU when her close friend reached out to me in hoping that we could still be friends at some point. I answered her back in a vague way not saying one way yes or no... but I did give her an update on my healing... I suppose all that info must have filtered back to the Ex. Oh well... I can't undo it so I'll need to subtract 21 days from my NC 48 days = 27 days. That sucks... I was kinda proud of the 48 days.

 

So here is the latest development... I can't control whose communicates with who and people like to talk. So the Ex reaches out to my mother by email last week on the anniversary of my fathers death saying a mushy thinking of you both (her and I) on this difficult day. Mother politely replied thanks and god bless. The next day the Ex replies saying how she misses her SO MUCH... (no mention of me, and that's fine) but then goes on to adamantly state how she is OK in "following her heart" and ending things with me. All unsolicited of course. Obviously she's in a remorseful state and is suffering some guilt.

 

I found it to be a little disrespectful of my post BU boundaries on her part however I choose to not try to influence peoples decision whether or not to communicate. I see this as merely a disturbance to my NC but it is a subtil nuance of the NC that doesn't get much airplay.

 

 

I also have to add finally that she "lost the attraction" thing exactly word for word out of HUNKs recent post. Built up the whole negative emotional image of me and worked up the courage to finally pull that trigger after 7 years together (6 good + 1 spent back-peddling in the emotional background).

 

I have no expectations of reconciliation and frankly if it were offered at this point and I were to follow "my heart" I'd have to say NO THANK YOU !!!

[Corsican1]

Altair, Thank you for that...

So very well stated !!!

 

What are your thought on the nuance described below ?

 

By reading your post

I realize that I broke NC 3 weeks after the BU when her close friend reached out to me in hoping that we could still be friends at some point. I answered her back in a vague way not saying one way yes or no... but I did give her an update on my healing... I suppose all that info must have filtered back to the Ex. Oh well... I can't undo it so I'll need to subtract 21 days from my NC 48 days = 27 days. That sucks... I was kinda proud of the 48 days.

 

So here is the latest development... I can't control whose communicates with who and people like to talk. So the Ex reaches out to my mother by email last week on the anniversary of my fathers death saying a mushy thinking of you both (her and I) on this difficult day. Mother politely replied thanks and god bless. The next day the Ex replies saying how she misses her SO MUCH... (no mention of me, and that's fine) but then goes on to adamantly state how she is OK in "following her heart" and ending things with me. All unsolicited of course. Obviously she's in a remorseful state and is suffering some guilt.

 

I found it to be a little disrespectful of my post BU boundaries on her part however I choose to not try to influence peoples decision whether or not to communicate. I see this as merely a disturbance to my NC but it is a subtil nuance of the NC that doesn't get much airplay.

 

 

I also have to add finally that she "lost the attraction" thing exactly word for word out of HUNKs recent post. Built up the whole negative emotional image of me and worked up the courage to finally pull that trigger after 7 years together (6 good + 1 spent back-peddling in the emotional background).

 

I have no expectations of reconciliation and frankly if it were offered at this point and I were to follow "my heart" I'd have to say NO THANK YOU !!!

[Kitchen]

And, the fact is, most dumpers / divorcers are women. Women dump most of the time....FACT. Many have never actually been dumped themselves - I've met / dated many who were always the dumpers.

 

Can someone explain to me why this is? For some reason it really bothers me (I'm a guy) that it's always women who have the upper hand in breaking relationships. I don't get it. Is it a Darwinian thing? Women have to be more selective as they can produce only one child - so they're willing to find someone else if need be. Whereas men might be willing to adjust or compromise as they can always impregnate someone else if necessary.

 

What I also hate is that women seem to always have someone lined up when ending relationships. I personally cannot imagine being with someone whom I've lost interest in. Therefore I'd break up with a girl regardless of having someone else, were I to lose interest.

 

It just really annoys me, as it's so discouraging as a guy entering a relationship knowing that she may just disappear overnight. Maybe I've become cynical due to one too many bad experiences. Maybe it hurts my ego that I'm always the one getting dumped.

 

I also feel men take breakups much harder than women on average. I read the science behind this; and it's because men physiologically feel at home with their women, whereas women feel love in different ways.

 

Anyway the whole thing is just plain discouraging. Also doesn't help knowing this assuming that your ex is having the time of her life most likely with her new found love.

[Altair0770]

Can someone explain to me why this is? For some reason it really bothers me (I'm a guy) that it's always women who have the upper hand in breaking relationships. I don't get it. Is it a Darwinian thing? Women have to be more selective as they can produce only one child - so they're willing to find someone else if need be. Whereas men might be willing to adjust or compromise as they can always impregnate someone else if necessary.

 

What I also hate is that women seem to always have someone lined up when ending relationships. I personally cannot imagine being with someone whom I've lost interest in. Therefore I'd break up with a girl regardless of having someone else, were I to lose interest.

 

It just really annoys me, as it's so discouraging as a guy entering a relationship knowing that she may just disappear overnight. Maybe I've become cynical due to one too many bad experiences. Maybe it hurts my ego that I'm always the one getting dumped.

 

I also feel men take breakups much harder than women on average. I read the science behind this; and it's because men physiologically feel at home with their women, whereas women feel love in different ways.

 

Anyway the whole thing is just plain discouraging. Also doesn't help knowing this assuming that your ex is having the time of her life most likely with her new found love.

 

Because women love attention, where as men don't really give a damn. My ex couldn't survive without getting attention. It's why she cried ALL the time.

[SevenCity]

Can someone explain to me why this is? For some reason it really bothers me (I'm a guy) that it's always women who have the upper hand in breaking relationships. I don't get it. Is it a Darwinian thing? Women have to be more selective as they can produce only one child - so they're willing to find someone else if need be. Whereas men might be willing to adjust or compromise as they can always impregnate someone else if necessary.

 

What I also hate is that women seem to always have someone lined up when ending relationships. I personally cannot imagine being with someone whom I've lost interest in. Therefore I'd break up with a girl regardless of having someone else, were I to lose interest.

 

It just really annoys me, as it's so discouraging as a guy entering a relationship knowing that she may just disappear overnight. Maybe I've become cynical due to one too many bad experiences. Maybe it hurts my ego that I'm always the one getting dumped.

 

I also feel men take breakups much harder than women on average. I read the science behind this; and it's because men physiologically feel at home with their women, whereas women feel love in different ways.

 

Anyway the whole thing is just plain discouraging. Also doesn't help knowing this assuming that your ex is having the time of her life most likely with her new found love.

 

I've heard in Russia there is a lack of men so the dynamic changes. I believe biology plays a part - women are wired to get the best mate possible so they can have offspring that have the best chance of survival. This is wired in and often not realized.

 

However, everywhere else it boils down to options. Women realize they have options so they know they won't be alone for very long.

 

Think of it like having a very marketable job. You would have no issue leaving one even if you don't have another lined up (but as you pointed out women often do). However, if your skill set doesn't lend itself to many jobs or there are tons of people with the same skillet you tend to hold onto the job you have.

 

Women are also emotionally smarter then men. They realize the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else. As a result, they will keep male orbiters around and when things go south with you they pull them in closer and make the transition much less painful. Before you know it she's dating the guy that was "Just a friend".

 

They also are used to dumping guys and have a much better support system. People will find it perfectly acceptable if a woman bursts into tears at work due to a breakup (even if SHE initiated). Same isn't true for guys and your friends will tell you to "'Man up and get over it". Women's friends will comfort and support them much more than a guy's friends will.

 

The other part is the way a woman's mind vs a guy's mind works. Most women base decisions on emotion whereas most men base decisions on logic. A woman will leave you because of how she "feels". They struggle internally with the decision for months or even years and finally come to acceptance - then they tell you about it.

 

Guys will stay longer because they think "She's got x, y, and z and it's hard to find s girl with these qualities. So instead of trying to find another I'll put up with what I don't like"

 

Being a guy has some advantages - like we can't get pregnant, we don't get labeled by the number of partners we've had, etc. But overall women have the advantage in matters of the heart.

 

Sucks, but what can you do?

[Dandannydandan]

Here's some advice - be the one that says "oh gross!" and wipe them away. You don't want breadcrumbs you want the whole sandwich (or you'd rather enjoy a different flavor).

 

Hopefully all my metaphors are making sense, but if not, I'll try to simplify it later.

 

So let's say your ex texts you, "hey (you), hope you're doing well". Or anything that does not say, "I want to get back together". Literally it *must* say that.

 

Fanatstic post Altair!

 

I agree with more or less all of it, apart from the above.

 

I believe that hardly any dumper looking to build bridges or reconcile will break NC and come straight out with "I made a mistake I want ro get back together". In an ideal world every dumpee would wish them to be this forward, but in reality its not the case. They probanly wouldn't want to put themselves in a such a vulnerable position.

 

They would send the breadcrumbs, wanting to feel out if the dumpee is wanting or at least open to reconciliation.

 

If the dumpee does want to reconcile, ignoring the dumper ls breadcrumbs completely won't get them back. I agree that they would habe to respond with indifference and not appear as though they have waiting and hoping for that text.

 

The dumpee might also consider sending out their own breadcrumbs to try and find out the dumpers intentions.

[Altair0770]

Fanatstic post Altair!

 

I agree with more or less all of it, apart from the above.

 

I believe that hardly any dumper looking to build bridges or reconcile will break NC and come straight out with "I made a mistake I want ro get back together". In an ideal world every dumpee would wish them to be this forward, but in reality its not the case. They probanly wouldn't want to put themselves in a such a vulnerable position.

 

They would send the breadcrumbs, wanting to feel out if the dumpee is wanting or at least open to reconciliation.

 

If the dumpee does want to reconcile, ignoring the dumper ls breadcrumbs completely won't get them back. I agree that they would habe to respond with indifference and not appear as though they have waiting and hoping for that text.

 

The dumpee might also consider sending out their own breadcrumbs to try and find out the dumpers intentions.

 

In my fury of typing this massive thread all in one sit down, I did indeed miss one key thing.

 

IMO, breadcrumbs should be ignored within at least the first month.

 

After a few months, I'd go by your feelings and reaction to getting the text/message. Personally I'd ignore the first attempts directly after. Even if the breakup lasts a day, it's a MASSIVE hit to the emotions of the dumpee, and all trust goes flying out the window. Simply put, even if the dumper regrets immediately, the dumpee may need some time.

 

I know me being dumped, I lost all trust I had in my ex. Even if she came back, and I decided to take her back, I would feel like I'm walking on egg shells just because I have no idea what she's doing behind my back. She's got that cheating mentality.

 

I'd go based on time since breakup and emotions you may have towards your ex. If you aren't indifferent, you should probably ignore.

[Dandannydandan]

Even if the breakup lasts a day, it's a MASSIVE hit to the emotions of the dumpee, and all trust goes flying out the window. Simply put, even if the dumper regrets immediately, the dumpee may need some time.

 

I know me being dumped, I lost all trust I had in my ex. Even if she came back, and I decided to take her back, I would feel like I'm walking on egg shells just because I have no idea what she's doing behind my back.

 

I can't relate to this enough.

 

My ex dumped me, we reconciled (after a couple month she sent an "I miss you and Im sorry" text to which I replied) and a few months after she dumped me again.

 

When we reconciled I was happier, but then my circumstances changed (for the worse) and I started to get paranoid that we were slipping back to how we were before. I began walking on the eggshells you mentioned, which only made it worse. It wasn't because I wasn't sure what she was doing, it was because I knew she broke up with me before so she could easily do it again. Turns out thas what happened.

 

Being a second time dumpee I have less trust and more eggshells than before. But as she came back before I also harbour hopes that her feelings are strong enough that she'll come back again.

 

For this to happen my circumstances need to be better, I need to be in a more stable and happier condition. Im doing it as much for me as any potential future partner.

 

You said that your ex has that cheating mentality, is that what caused you to break up? If so then perhaps, if your ex didn't have that mentality and was a nicer person, you might feel differently about breadcrumbs and reconciliation?