Eternal Sunshine Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I kind of lack friends that are single and want to do things. I often want to go out but am stuck with options to either stay home or go to some married couple's house and watch TV with them/play with the kids (it just bores me). I broke up with my ex over a month ago. He has been in touch every day since and constantly wants to hang out. I have so far rejected it. He also made it clear that he still loves me and doesn't want to date anyone else and is still "holding on" hoping that I will change my mind. At the same time, he says that he is fine just being friends if nothing more is possible. So when he invites me to a concert or to do random activities that sound like fun, I am tempted to go. I am completely over him, literally no feelings left and am sure I was right to break up. I also don't want any kind of FWB arrangement because sex was just....bad. I would be happy to do those activities with anyone and it's purely to kill the boredom for me. I am not sure if me doing that is cruel to him and is leading him on? I don't want to do that to anyone. I just sense that even though I am saying the words "I don't want to get back together, I have moved on" he is not fully getting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I am not sure if me doing that is cruel to him and is leading him on? I don't want to do that to anyone. I just sense that even though I am saying the words "I don't want to get back together, I have moved on" he is not fully getting it. He's just a toy-boy w/o the sex for you. Yes, you are not helping him, rather, you are being SELFISH. Every person who has intentions or desires to get back together with another will be drawn into more than they admit initially. I see your relationship with him becoming more complicated and more trouble than you bargained for. Ugh. Join an activity club or organization. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I kind of lack friends that are single and want to do things. I often want to go out but am stuck with options to either stay home or go to some married couple's house and watch TV with them/play with the kids (it just bores me). I broke up with my ex over a month ago. He has been in touch every day since and constantly wants to hang out. I have so far rejected it. He also made it clear that he still loves me and doesn't want to date anyone else and is still "holding on" hoping that I will change my mind. At the same time, he says that he is fine just being friends if nothing more is possible. So when he invites me to a concert or to do random activities that sound like fun, I am tempted to go. I am completely over him, literally no feelings left and am sure I was right to break up. I also don't want any kind of FWB arrangement because sex was just....bad. I would be happy to do those activities with anyone and it's purely to kill the boredom for me. I am not sure if me doing that is cruel to him and is leading him on? I don't want to do that to anyone. I just sense that even though I am saying the words "I don't want to get back together, I have moved on" he is not fully getting it. Yes it's f definatly cruel he will be getting mixed intentions from u on the one hand ur saying just friends but he'lloyd get confused because ur hanging out do him a favour and cut all contact if that's how u feel. Like the other responDer above mentioned join a club or something don't lead him on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Yes it is cruel. Needy on your part also, there's no one else around as a friend so you're settling for less. He'd be settling for less also, as he clearly wants more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Put on those shoes and walk around in them for a little while . . . how would you feel if the tables were turned? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 You're only thinking of hanging out with him because he's basically your only leisure option. I don't know if it's cruel, but it's definitely sad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 You're only thinking of hanging out with him because he's basically your only leisure option. I don't know if it's cruel, but it's definitely sad. Yup, sad for both of us Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Yup, sad for both of us Exactly, which means it's a terrible idea. You'd be giving him false hope and you would be relying on your last resort out of boredom instead of widening your social circle, which is probably your best bet given the circumstances (or under any circumstances, if you think of it). Link to post Share on other sites
GeekLover Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Short response from me: yes. Don't do this to him. You two need some time apart before you could even co spider the idea of just hanging out. At least take some time to let the dust settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 You seem to like the guy. At least he is not boring and you enjoy his company. If he wants to go out and you too I don´t see why not. Maybe things can work out in the end as far as him flaking, sex, etc. Now that you broke up he may be more careful. You don´t have that many options anyway, since you don´t like the OLD guys, so you can try and see what happens with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 He also made it clear that he still loves me and doesn't want to date anyone else and is still "holding on" hoping that I will change my mind. At the same time, he says that he is fine just being friends if nothing more is possible. He is being economic with the truth. He is not fine just being friends and wants more, being near to you gives him more of a chance in his eyes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I don't think it's cruel, but it's not a good idea. He wil probably try to get back together with you or something. I wouldn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 (edited) You seem to like the guy. At least he is not boring and you enjoy his company. If he wants to go out and you too I don´t see why not. Maybe things can work out in the end as far as him flaking, sex, etc. Now that you broke up he may be more careful. You don´t have that many options anyway, since you don´t like the OLD guys, so you can try and see what happens with this guy. I actually don't like him. Once I found out that who he really is, my interest was gone. I am enjoying being a single again. I will always take being single over being with a bad option. Not everyone thinks like you. Edited April 1, 2017 by Eternal Sunshine Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I actually don't like him. Once I found out that who he really is, my interest was gone. I am enjoying being a single again. I will always take being single over being with a bad option. Not everyone thinks like you. ES, you are an astonishingly frustrating woman. You want to know if it's okay to use someone to fill your time, boredom and now you say that you don't like him. So, you were considering spending time with someone you don't like??? That's peach! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 ES, you are an astonishingly frustrating woman. You want to know if it's okay to use someone to fill your time, boredom and now you say that you don't like him. So, you were considering spending time with someone you don't like??? That's peach! I meant I don't like him romantically since she implied "getting back together" a sentence later. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I meant I don't like him romantically since she implied "getting back together" a sentence later. Understood. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 He just wants to get back together. If you dangle him when you know you do not want him back, yes this is cruel. You need to cut him off completely so he will be forced to move on and stop wasting time on you. You know this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Is this the married/separated guy? My sense is you'd benefit from moving on. I think you're spinning your wheels with him. You can meet new people once you shift your mindset and are ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Well at least you asked first. And yes, men tend to harp on words when they hear something they like and then on actions if it's something they like. "She says she doesn't want to get back together but she's willing to go out with me. Sounds like I just have to work harder". A lot of women would do this with a clear conscious. It's good you have pause because yes, it's cruel and using someone. Ps: it doesn't sound like you are enjoying being single at all if you're willing to resort to this. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I think it's fine to hang out as long as you are clear about where you stand. Exes can be friends. It happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 Well at least you asked first. And yes, men tend to harp on words when they hear something they like and then on actions if it's something they like. "She says she doesn't want to get back together but she's willing to go out with me. Sounds like I just have to work harder". A lot of women would do this with a clear conscious. It's good you have pause because yes, it's cruel and using someone. Ps: it doesn't sound like you are enjoying being single at all if you're willing to resort to this. I enjoy being single when I have a decent social life. Loneliness should never be a reason to enter a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) Is this the married/separated guy? My sense is you'd benefit from moving on. I think you're spinning your wheels with him. You can meet new people once you shift your mindset and are ready. Yeah, that's him. Things have changed in the sense that any feelings I had for him are gone. He is just so persistent with communication and I feel bad in just blocking him because we didn't end on bad terms. I actually feel relieved when a day or even a few hours go by without hearing from him. I probably reply with only a few words to every 5-10 texts he sends. Whenever I think of that relationship, I just get this overwhelming feeling of heaviness and being burdened by his baggage and nothing but relief that it's over. Edited April 2, 2017 by Eternal Sunshine Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I've been in this situation twice. With my most recent ex and with my first bf. Both times I've been lonely, bored and unsatisfied with my social circle. With the first bf: we en up sleeping together ('surprising' duh) and then I was sort of ok keeping friends/fwb but he got jealous and borderline dangerous. It cost me ton of effort and half year to detach. With my most recent ex: we spent like a month or more communicating just over e-mail completely asexual, and the day that we finally met to do some errands together... ended up in bed ('shocking'). Now we're again is some fwb arrangement - going on dates and the rest, but I'm completely confused what to do and can't stop wondering is he using me and what to do. I can guarantee you if you end up going out with him it will be a messy situation. I just can't imagine this to stay platonic and you'd probably waste months/years with a dead-end fwb/rl. I'd be curious how this goes. Since I'm in the same boat - I completely understand how easy is to say 'cut contact' and how hard it is in practice... I kind of lack friends that are single and want to do things. I often want to go out but am stuck with options to either stay home or go to some married couple's house and watch TV with them/play with the kids (it just bores me). I broke up with my ex over a month ago. He has been in touch every day since and constantly wants to hang out. I have so far rejected it. He also made it clear that he still loves me and doesn't want to date anyone else and is still "holding on" hoping that I will change my mind. At the same time, he says that he is fine just being friends if nothing more is possible. So when he invites me to a concert or to do random activities that sound like fun, I am tempted to go. I am completely over him, literally no feelings left and am sure I was right to break up. I also don't want any kind of FWB arrangement because sex was just....bad. I would be happy to do those activities with anyone and it's purely to kill the boredom for me. I am not sure if me doing that is cruel to him and is leading him on? I don't want to do that to anyone. I just sense that even though I am saying the words "I don't want to get back together, I have moved on" he is not fully getting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Yeah, that's him. Things have changed in the sense that any feelings I had for him are gone. He is just so persistent with communication and I feel bad in just blocking him because we didn't end on bad terms. I actually feel relieved when a day or even a few hours go by without hearing from him. I probably reply with only a few words to every 5-10 texts he sends. Whenever I think of that relationship, I just get this overwhelming feeling of heaviness and being burdened by his baggage and nothing but relief that it's over. My suggestion is: Don't block him, but ignore. You can do so much better. I know it's hard. I know how disheartening the search can feel. More and more, I'm learning and living that it's all about your own state of mind. You get yourself and your mind in alignment, and amazingness will follow. I sense that you have tremendous potential that is yet unlocked. Keeping yourself in a holding pattern with the likes of this guy is only keeping you stuck. I've never liked him for you. You're so beyond this. You just have to accept the truth of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curiouslysearching Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Is this the married/separated guy? My sense is you'd benefit from moving on. I think you're spinning your wheels with him. You can meet new people once you shift your mindset and are ready. I agree Ruby....she needs to change her way of thinking and move on Link to post Share on other sites
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