2 year relationship/engagement over; Help!

[Citygirl1987]

i was with my boyfriend for 2 years . and were friends for probably 1-2 years prior to dating,from the beginning we always had a good relationship. i was previously friends with his sister for 3 years . but once she found out we were dating. she cut me off as a friend because she hated the fact that we were dating and friends shouldn't date siblings..

 

to start there is a age gap between us. but it never was a issue because he always seemed more mature then guys his age. he'l be 24 this year. and ill between 30. 6 years really didn't seem like too much we clicked and thats all that mattered.we never had any reason to fight about anything. we just enjoyed each others company no matter what we did. he made me happy just being around him and seeing him it never bothered me him being younger,he always seemed mature with a head on his shoulders

 

we got engaged back in august of 2016 in front of some family and friends. it seems as soon as we got engaged things just took a different turn. planning a wedding should be the happiest time of our life.but it just seemed more stressful then anything. we agreed to have a very small wedding. but he kept wanting more and more (but not wanting to put any sort of money towards the wedding) he would get angry over how i wanted my bridesmaid dresses to look..if we were out with friends. things would seem happy, but as soon as we would get in the car he would start a fight. then not speak to me before dropping me off and slam the door and leave. another time we got in a fight and he told me just to go marry someone else to go be happy. we would make up. but i always found my self having to apologize for everything. while we were out. he said he needed a week break from me.just to clear his head

 

we started looking for a condo to buy. and that was just pure hell. we looked one day for the first time at places and the third one we looked at he said we should put an offer on it. i didn't feel it was right. but we put an offer on it any ways even though i wanted to keep looking. we ended up getting the place. but me liking other opinions. especially my families wanted them to look at it. and that just threw him over the edge. they looked at it and just tried to say it didn't seem like a good fit. and for the amount we had to pay plus renovations it was to rush of a design. after sleeping on it for a day. i told him we should back out of it(since we had 2 weeks to do so ) and from that point.everything just spiralled out of control. i got texts starting at 4 am telling me how its all my fault for not wanting the place and trusting my family over him. and if he's going to be the man of the house his opinion should be the only one that matters . and i need to learn how to grow up,because its our marriage and family should have no opinion on our life.because if he's the man of the house i need to listen to only him .im very close with my parents and value what they have to say to me..from his text he would say I'm really re considering my feelings towards you and we should look at reconsidering even getting married. which this wasn't the first time he had used a threat like that towards me .or saying he would never want a marriage like my parents(even though its the most loving one) should have known it was a huge red flag for him to even say something like that

 

from then on it just seemed to not be the same. we moved past that place and looked at more. but his anger just seemed to get worse .would always verbally put me down. from telling me to go to the gym. or if i ate my whole meal would make comments that oh wow you must have been hungry today. or that one day i should get a boob job.or if i said something..would say your so stupid.

 

during all this and fighting.. we would have talks to work on. again he used the. if your family would have shown up i would have walked away and called this wedding off.because i don't need to listen to them. we again worked on things. but it only lasted a week or so . till i told him to come over and discuss some things.which it was my dad him and me. he came over though he didn't want to. and it showed my how he say .never looking me in the eye and just spoke with pure angry.and saying how no one respects him as a man.he hates children. and i was going to give up not having them because my love for him. he said in front of my dad that he would chop his balls off right then if he could. or if when i said i do. and i wanted a baby. he would walk away from me .

 

the next day i just wanted a relaxing day after work. but he came over. and wanted to discuss our relationship. and handed me a full pagenote saying he's not the man he can me. and i deserve better .and someone who won't me me cry and understands me and all this other stuff on how i need to find my own path in life. and not to be sad that we didn't get our happy ever after. and one day i hope we can still be friends.and handed me the wedding band in a box and for me to do what i want with it because they are my rings…i was devastated. i loved him so much and just felt like my heart had been ripped out and i lost my best friend who i shared so much with.i needed up giving the rings back.i didn't want them with me. only 2 days later and he told everyone he was happy to get them back and had been checking his mail for the and he can finally move on from me

 

It seemed once we got engaged when it should be a happy time for us,things just weren't he used his open threats with ending our engagement if things didn't go his way or he didn't like what me or my family would say to him. With him supposed to be marrying me.but also gaining my parents as family you would respect and value them as future in laws .and that he didn't seem to grasp .

 

Once he had texted me his angry messages about calling off our enegment and saying he's reconsidering his feelings for me.i found my self having major break downs at work, then once it all came to a end I was having horrible panic Attacks and anixiety at work

 

the next day my girl friends picked me up..and not even 12 hours after all this happened . he messages me saying how wrong he was and he needs ,me and can't live with out me and how he should never have spoken to me or my family the way he did and how he was just being a little boy who didn't want to listen . that he loves me more then anything and this shouldn't be the way we end…but at that point he had done so much damage. he blamed me too many times for everything. that calling our wedding off was the best thing to do ( this happened in february and out wedding was for this april) as much as a it hurt. and gave me anxiety looking back i can see signs more clear.and you shouldn't treat your fiancé like he did.. he came by my friends that day even though he was told not to. and thought dropping off flowers would fix everything he had done. it didn't work.

 

not even a week after .he thought the best way to move on was to buy a brand new 32,000 car . he always said he was more the more adult then me. so he could have moved out of his moms.

 

in the need he let his true side show. that he's a very angry boy.i hate that it took this long to find out . I'm still finding it hard to grasp especially under 2 months before we were supposed to get married and start this new chapter in our life together. from explaining it to friends they feel like he would have isolated me from my family and friends.and kept me to him self. and that i dodged a bullet. as much as they wanted me to be happy in a relationship. they also saw how he changed me and did everything to make him happy.

 

its going on 3 weeks with out him. but i know theres a guy out there for me. who will love me for me and won't treat me with disrespect. its just hard to get to that point. when 2 years were spent with this guy. some days i just don't know what to do with my self. especially when he's telling everyone the reason why we are no longer getting married is because i didn't like a apartment.but its many things from respect to me and my family and how he treated me.

 

as another side note. he never liked that my family was going to help us out from furniture .just so we didn't have to go buy it. he wanted everything brand new. or that they were going to give him one of our cars so that when he sold his truck he wouldn't have to buy a new car to get to work and we could save on money for our future

 

I just don't know how to feel. How can some one say how much they love you,and put all your faith and trust in them. And when they get a little rough they explode over something as parents offering to help.and they just want to throw everything away so quickly

[MidwestUSA]

It sounds like you lost a whiny, petulant, selfish 13 year old.

 

Be glad he showed his true colors now, before you got married. I know it hurts, but things will get better.

[lady_a]

I just don't know how to feel. How can some one say how much they love you,and put all your faith and trust in them. And when they get a little rough they explode over something as parents offering to help.and they just want to throw everything away so quickly

 

I'm going through a similar situation right now. After 1 month of being engaged, my fiance and I had a few small disagreements over wedding details. None of them escalated to actual fights and I thought we came to an agreement about things. But a few days later he ended up asking me if we could reschedule our wedding date for later because he was feeling a lot of pressure and fear due to our previous disagreements (we already had the venue and a bunch of vendors booked), and then he started doubting our entire future together because I initially freaked out and didn't react in an "understanding enough" way to him. He almost broke up with me then, but I convinced him to give us the time to work through things, and I thought we were on the right track but then he decided to actually break up with me a week later. It's baffling to me how these small issues could snowball into him suddenly throwing away EVERYTHING. I understand your pain and I wish I could explain it, but I'm trying to tell myself that maybe I don't actually want a marriage where someone would overreact to such small issues. I know it's hard to see right now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Seeing these things about somebody come out before marriage instead of afterwards could have saved you from having a pretty unhappy marriage.

[kidm]

Your ex sounds immature and selfish (to put it kindly). Good riddance. He would have been more of a ball and chain, dragging you down, than a supportive husband. I am sure it hurts like hell now but keep pushing forward and you'll find the right man. Sending good vibes your way.

[Sweetfish]

You need to think about aborting this relationship completely. Sounds like he is trying to create a perfect world and you are putting fractures in his perfect world. He has a projection and vision and you are not following into his vision.. building up his insecurities.

 

Leaving is the best thing... sounds like he will be in a toxic cycle.

[SpecialJ]

Your ex sounds like my most recent ex (same age difference too). We weren't engaged, but it was serious for a year. He didn't start of that way, but over time showed his true colors while I kept responding like an adult, trying to reasonably address his concerns and make things work. He eventually came back after he left to tell me he realized he has a ton of problems unrelated to me that he's going to fix -- but has totally turned the page on us. The emotional bonds are really hard to break, but this person doesn't love you the way you want a partner to show up for you. Believe what your friends are telling you the way I'm finally coming to believe what my friends who know my ex (and even those who don't) told me: I dodged a bullet. Moreso because we didn't get married and have kids before this happened. Take your time to process, but keep in the back of your head that this was most likely for the best, to eventually make room for something better. You've still got time, and can meet someone you don't have to give up on children for if you don't really want to. Stay strong!

[SpecialJ]

PS - there seem to have been a ton of warning signs since the engagement that he is manipulative, even if he's not inherently malicious and just still young and immature and insecure. I've taken some time to read up on ways to spot this behavior faster since my breakup. That may help you process and learn more about what behaviors you shouldn't tolerate from anyone in the future (ie it's not you, it really is them, don't accept being treated that way).