Was breaking up with him the right choice?

[raizel]

I'm going to try to keep this as brief possible.

 

So me (20) and my boyfriend (21) of 10 months broke up 4 days ago. We haven't talked since, even though I guess we ended on good terms. We have considered breaking up in the past, but never really did.

 

The reason I broke up with him was I did not feel like a priority - I came to the conclusion that he did not really love me. However, there have been moments where I did believe that he loved me, and those moments were all when we could see each other face to face.

 

You see, at the beginning of the relationship, he told me that he stopped going after this other girl and went for me because he felt like she was "out of his league." He then went on to say that she was "too good for him," and that he would never be "up to her standards." When I inquired about how he felt when he met me, he said "yeah, I thought maybe I have a chance with you." I am very insecure about my self worth (I guess this insecurity issue would be another problem in itself), but ever since that day, I felt like I was second place, and it definitely left a scar in my heart.

 

I did in fact, confront him about what he said. He couldn't come up with the words to apologise so he got angry. In the end, he never took back his words or denied what he said. So even today, after these 10 months, I still don't know whether he truly felt like I wasn't as good as the other girl.

 

He apparently met up with this girl frequently during our time together. I didn't really mind this because went they went out, they would always have a least one other person with them. But what bothered me was that he would keep their outings a secret. He probably hid these events from me to avoid hurting me, but the things is that we made a promise to be true to our words - to be transparent. I would ask him "who's coming to the party?" and he would say "just x, x, and x." But then later on I would find out through another friend that she was at the same event as well. I guess he never directly lied, he just omitted information... which I still consider as a form of deception.

 

Fast forward to 7 months later... I don't know what happened, but I guess I learned to just accept that character of his because I didn't want to restrict or confine him. But i never forgot the words he said that made me feel like second place. Which over time, convinced me more and more that he did not genuinely love me. This was intensified by the fact that he rarely complimented me even though I constantly told him that I enjoy being complimented by him. Another thing was that he never really paid that much detail to my life. Don't get me wrong, he knew of the bigger things that were happening, but when it came to my hobbies, the things that I admire, the type of places I wanted to visit, he would just forget about them.

 

I guess you could say that I am expecting too much from him, and maybe I should've stopped being so hard on him. If that was the case then I suppose the break up was necessary.

 

What is making me question my decision is that besides him being seemingly inattentive, he really made me happy. Maybe it's because this was my first relationship and I have never received this type of 'love' from anyone before... maybe not. He would take me out on dates, went out of his own way to see me, and he genuinely seemed to enjoy my jokes.

 

I was the one who initiated the break up, because besides not feeling like a priority at times, I felt like our views in spirituality, religion, and creativity did not match up. We have different mind sets when it comes to career ambition. Do these things matter if he can make you happy? Or did I really make the right choice of breaking up with him because I'll never feel like I'm good enough and that maybe we aren't so compatible after all?

 

When we broke up, I told him that maybe he didn't actually love me, but instead he was just attached to me. And I truly did think that at the time. But right now, as I think of our happy moments together, what if it was really love?

[salparadise]

You see, at the beginning of the relationship, he told me that he stopped going after this other girl and went for me because he felt like she was "out of his league." He then went on to say that she was "too good for him," and that he would never be "up to her standards." When I inquired about how he felt when he met me, he said "yeah, I thought maybe I have a chance with you." I am very insecure about my self worth (I guess this insecurity issue would be another problem in itself), but ever since that day, I felt like I was second place, and it definitely left a scar in my heart.

 

 

He basically told you that he really wants the other girl but she's challenging, so in the meantime he'll settle for you because you're easy. He doesn't respect you, he was just using you because apparently you volunteered for that role.

 

If you had healthy self-esteem you would've dumped him on the spot. Better late than never I guess.

[FoundLove]

Please believe me when I tell you that there is someone much better out there for you. This was your first relationship, so you do not have anything to compare it with.

 

In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to wonder where you stand with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

I was there too. I was completely heartbroken when my first relationship ended (I was 21). Looking back now I can't believe I ever cried over this guy, because I constantly felt insecure and like I wasn't a priority in his life.

 

The day I met my future husband literally all my insecurities disappeared. In the 4 years we've been together I've never felt insecure because I know where I stand with him as he does with me. I found the perfect guy for me.

 

And you will too!

[marie25]

I understand how hard it is when emotions are involved and things cloud our judgement. Thus I would never judge someone for staying in a relationship that I thought was not worth it. However, since you two are apart, I think you can move on definitely knowing that you can find MUCH greater people who will make you feel both valued/cherished/loved/adored and happy. Not just happy but unsatisfied with those other values.

 

Move forward and don't look back, heal and put yourself out there again

[raizel]

Hey everyone! It has been almost 3 months since the break. Thank you for your support. I am getting by (barely).

 

I found out from one of his friends a few days after our break up that he went out and got high with that particular girl literally 2 hours before we broke up (yes, we broke up over the phone). They weren't alone together though (they were with some other friends), but he knew that I am against drug use.

 

Also found out later that they had secretly been gym partners during our relationship, despite me asking him to be honest with me about seeing her.

 

All these lies and red flags in 10 months. He wouldn't even let me meet the girl, or the rest of his friends from that group. Guess I dodged a bullet? He was clearly trying to pursue another woman while keeping me in his back pocket.

 

2 weeks after the break up, he agreed to meet with me to talk. I didn't have the intention of going back to him because I was fed up with giving him chances. I guess this talk wasn't necessary, but I just felt betrayed and wanted to show him how big of a mistake he made (childish, I know). He wanted to remain friends, and he even had the nerve to say "I don't know if I regret breaking up with you... maybe we will get back together in the future if we change." Yeah no, I am not his back up plan.

 

The only issue now is that we are part of the same social circle. In fact, since about two months ago, we have been talking in our group chat as if we were never together in the first place. We go out often and behave as though nothing happened. Our friends think we are fine about the break up, but I am definitely still hurt from this.

I think the best thing to do now is to keep NC, otherwise it will be hard for me to completely move on.

Edited June 14, 2017 by raizel

[Goodguy05]

I can relate to this as I work wth my ex. We broke up over 8mths ago now and my lesson workung wth her is that it prolongs the healing. I don't have much of a choice but as for u being a social circle try and arrange it maybe so ur not seeing each other

[raizel]

I am going to admit it it. After a few months of NC, every time I talk to him or see him (we are in the same social circle so this happens often) I feel the need to show him by best side. Obviously I want him to think well or me but is this even healthy/normal? He is ny ex so why do i want to impress him?

 

It's been 6 months since the break up and during that time I met new friends and noticed some qualities that I would like to have in a partner that my ex didn't have at all, i.e actually putting in an effort to have interesting conversations. I always felt I had to drive the conversation with my ex and I still feel like that now as his friend.

A few days ago I got visibly very agitated/frustrated at the fact that he wouldn't say anything unless I started first. I felt terrible about showing that side of me to him.

Is it normal to feel like this? I am obviously not over the guy but I believe there is someone out there i am more compatible with.