Cannot handle breakup/break ****Updated****

[Miserably_depressed]

A year ago I had a polyamorous relationship with 2 girls. I was dating the first girl for 2 years. We met the 2nd girl later and had threesomes. We decided to get in a relationship. The 2nd girls intentions were to break us up so she could have me to herself. I wanted out of the relationship also though. I left the 1st for the 2nd. I ended up being regretful later.

 

I was her first love. We fell for each other hard. She was only 17 and I was 23. She was mature and immature. After I left the 1st girl she started coming over everyday and staying the night. She still lived with her parents. She moved in like a month or so later. I had plans to move half way across the country before i met her. I told her about moving to a big city and she decided she would come. I waited for her to graduate high school and we moved.

 

We talked and i wanted her to know the point of the move was to settle down a little and start working on ourselves. We were both into drugs most of our young life but not too crazy. Mostly weed and alcohol. We did quit smoking weed. I drank more often but small amounts that didnt get me drunk just buzzed. I was also prescribed klonopin 2 years and stopped taking them after the move.

 

She has been very sarcastic, disrespectful, combative, clumsy and lying about small things throughoit the relationship. We have been arguing alot. I put her down for breaking up me and my ex. I compared her to my ex. I belittled her for being clumsy and not cleaning up after herself. She is very smart but doesnt have much common sense. More book smart but anxiety from her family life makes her dysfunctional.

 

We have been talking about a break up for a few months now. I became slightly physical in the past months. I never hit her very hard or typically. I might throw something at her or choke her for a few seconds if it was really bad. She has a very smart mouth among other things. She is a very hard person to deal with. Im not proud of myself I know I was wrong. She brought out the worst in me.

 

I had wanted to break up with her but honestly could not do it. She had been suggesting a break. The past few days before it happened she made friends with her coworker. Im aboit 99% sure she wasnt cheating so thats not the issue. She started lying to me about coming home. I work and go to school. She gets off at 2 am. I have to wait around to give her a ride home. She would not even let me know she was at a friends. I would be like are you off yet and she says she with friends. She would come home drunk. One night she spent the night because she got too drunk. I started smelling weed when i would come home from work. She did all this about 5-8 times. I would get really mad at her for lying. I even got physical when she came home from spending the night. After that she went to work and that night called to say she was going out with friends but we had planned to go do something. I was angry so i yelled at her on the phone. She ended up coming with her girlfriend and got her stuff and it was over.

 

A couple of days passed and I tried to tell her to come back. She tells me to leave her alone. She says she needs time and space. I ask if we can meet up soon and have dinner and just talk. She seems to agree but keeps saying after a few days of space. Im worried she might just be saying that to ease my mind so i dont freak out. I keep wondering if shes going to sleep witb someone. She says she isnt going to. I really dont know because her friends are young and kind of seem like they sleep around. They will probably encourage her. I keep messaging her every couple of days so I guess im making it worse because I just found out about no contact. I know i was expecting a break up but I am not able to deal with it properly. I havent been eating or sleeping properly. My depression has kicked in hard. I have no support system. I dont get along with my mom she constantly berates me and is never satisfied with anything I do. I talked to my dad for 30 minutes last night. He did all the talking. Talking about his plans and life. My best friend was murdered last year. My other friends killed themselves. Others in prison including my half brother and stepbrother. I dont try to make friends because I hate people.

 

I have tried to go to counseling to talk to someone. I had a breakdown at my college counselors office, I think it was from crashing on coke from the night before. They gave me some mental health resources. I didnt know it but I stumbled on a mental hospital. I didnt want to commit myself though. Just too institutional feel like it wouldnt help. Its not that serious. I go to a psychiatric emergency room next and they lie to me and tell me ill be able to talk to someone so i waited hours and they just had me talk to a doctor who tried to prescribe antidepressants, which I refused. I got the run around even more after that. I went to a place and did their assessment but the appointment is scheduled in the middle of June which is 3 months from now.

 

Ive been skipping classes and not going to work. Ive been going to bars and spending to much on drinks and not even having fun. I dknt want to do something stupid. Ive been wandering aimlessly. Im trying not to go and seek drugs but feel it would make it better. I also want to go sleep with a bunch of women but drugs and random women are unsafe. I havent been able to focus on anything.

 

I want to know what I should do to possibly work it out with her. I want her back and I have been feeling bad about the way ive been acting. I really want to treat her better and change. I know all ive explained is unhealthy but we have been through a lot I would like to try to make it work one last time.

[Miserably_depressed]

I really need her back. I am completely ready to change for myself and her. I got off work yesterday and as soon as I got in the car I cried. I wil do anything to get her back

[Miserably_depressed]

I think we are taking a break. I am not sure. We have been talking about breaking up for awhile but she suggested we take a break before she flat out left me. She grabbed her stuff and moved in with her work friend. About 2 days later it sunk in how I really want and need her in my life. Ive messaged her on facebook and she said it could be a break. She keeps telling me to leave her alone and she needs time and space. I know she is iffy about if its a break up or seperation. The last time we messaged 3 days ago she said she would not sleep with anyone and she said i love you back to me when i said it. She said she needed some time but then we could meet up and talk over food or something. Since she says we are seperating she shouldnt sleep around right? Im wondering how this no contact works in a seperation. I really want to meet up with her and talk about how good i will be to her. I am really failing at work and school because of this. I desperately need her back and im willing to do anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did she want to end it?

[SevenCity]

A break is a break up. Period.

 

If you want a shot at getting her back give her the time and space she asked for.

 

If you contact her it will push her away further. You HAVE to wait for her to reach out to you or you will eliminate and chance or reconciliation.

 

This will sound like the exact opposite of what you want to do or what you think you should do. The reason is you are drunk with love. She has to feel what it is like not to have you in her life. She will probably like it, but there is a slight chance she might regret it.

 

Keep being needy and say goodbye to her forever.

[Miserably_depressed]

She ended it because I was being abusive. She started hanging out with these girls from work and i didnt like it. She started lying to me coming home late, drunk and i smelled weed when i would come home from work. She didnt even come home one night because she got too drunk.

 

I really need to see or talk to her though. I am so miserable and cant stop thinking about it. I almost checked myself into a mental hospital. Can I at least check up on her this only happened maybe a week ago. I really need her back. I need to meet her in person and find out whats going on or im going to move from this city or start taking drugs heavily ive already been drinking everyday.

[Altair0770]

Do you really want to prove how good you will be to her when you can't even take care of yourself?

 

Give her the space she needs. The more you "need to see her" is just giving her all the power. If you "need" to talk to her, you also "need" to say goodbye forever. Give her the space she needs. Get your crap together.

[DarrenB]

Do you really want to prove how good you will be to her when you can't even take care of yourself?

 

Give her the space she needs. The more you "need to see her" is just giving her all the power. If you "need" to talk to her, you also "need" to say goodbye forever. Give her the space she needs. Get your crap together.

 

Re-posted for emphasis.

[Redhead14]

I think we are taking a break. I am not sure. We have been talking about breaking up for awhile but she suggested we take a break before she flat out left me. She grabbed her stuff and moved in with her work friend. About 2 days later it sunk in how I really want and need her in my life. Ive messaged her on facebook and she said it could be a break. She keeps telling me to leave her alone and she needs time and space. I know she is iffy about if its a break up or seperation. The last time we messaged 3 days ago she said she would not sleep with anyone and she said i love you back to me when i said it. She said she needed some time but then we could meet up and talk over food or something. Since she says we are seperating she shouldnt sleep around right? Im wondering how this no contact works in a seperation. I really want to meet up with her and talk about how good i will be to her. I am really failing at work and school because of this. I desperately need her back and im willing to do anything.

 

Breaks are only effective and useful if both parties agree on the terms of the break and if there is a specific date that the two parties will come together and discuss whether or not they will decide to mutually work on the issues in the relationship.

 

That being said, when someone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft.

 

Tell her you will give it 2 weeks during which time there will be no contact. At the end of that 2 weeks, you two will meet and talk again. If she refuses to set a "deadline", you tell her you're moving on now because you refuse to allow someone else to decide what happens with YOUR life.

 

Since she says we are seperating she shouldnt sleep around right? -- Well, she shouldn't if she accepts a deadline, but I must say that if she doesn't agree to a specific meet up time, she will do whatever she wants and you have no control over it. So be it.

 

In the meantime, you prepare yourself for moving on and reflect on the relationship and whether or not it was really a good one. Be honest with yourself. If one partner isn't/hasn't been happy in a relationship, it's very unlikely that the other is. They may lie to themselves and ignore issues, etc., but the reality is they weren't truly happy. Don't hold onto a relationship just to be in one. And, don't be a doormat. Asking for space instead of sitting down and having a mutual and adult conversation is not a mature way to deal with a possible break up.

 

You need to be firm and resolved about this. Give her the space she needs, and do it with dignity and respect. She is taking power here, you are entitled to some as well. "You go ahead and take the space you need, but we will meet again in 2 weeks to resolve this situation. Otherwise, I'm out, right now." If you are wishy-washy about this she will stomp on you over and over again. She will be back if she doesn't find someone else and use you until she does find someone else.

Edited March 25, 2017 by Redhead14

[Miserably_depressed]

Ok Redhead 14 but if I try to set the terms like 2 weeks or else shell probably get pissed and blow me off. Please help me i am really not doing well. I am ready to die. I am so sad and miss her so much. I really need her back. I want to at least talk to her. I still have the cat which she really loves i got the cat for her as a gift a year ago. I kept it as a bargaining chip. I am so serious when i say i am.going to change i dont know if i can wait two weeks. I am working on myself i will be a better person. I want to take her out and do something big and really fun. Like the casino in the next state or something extravagant and really spoil her. I am so heartbroken i will not be able to easily get over this. PLEASE THERE HAS TO BE SOME OTHER WAY TO MAYBE GET HER BACK OR AT LEAST TO TALK TO ME BESIDES NO CONTACT IM GOIMG CRAZY. She really really loved me. We had something special. She wanted me.to.marry her. I have to make this right.

[Jagged100]

You are not a person who has his s*** together. You can't deal with her or your emotions. Physical abuse is never ever appropriate, I don't care what she said or did. Sort yourself out and maybe in the future you may get another shot. For now leave her alone and work on your own issues which seem quite numerous

[ExpatInItaly]

She ended it because I was being abusive. She started hanging out with these girls from work and i didnt like it. She started lying to me coming home late, drunk and i smelled weed when i would come home from work. She didnt even come home one night because she got too drunk.

 

I really need to see or talk to her though. I am so miserable and cant stop thinking about it. I almost checked myself into a mental hospital. Can I at least check up on her this only happened maybe a week ago. I really need her back. I need to meet her in person and find out whats going on or im going to move from this city or start taking drugs heavily ive already been drinking everyday.

 

Then unless and until you get help for being abusive, you two should not consider reconciliation.

 

Hitting her or choking her at all are unacceptable. If you didn't like her behaviour, you should have left. Resorting to violence is never the solution.

 

So, are you planning on getting help for your anger and abusive tendencies? If not, stay away from her. You are a risk for her.

[Miserably_depressed]

I am going to get help I have an appointment for mental health services. I really want to talk to her though. I can and will change and I want her to know. I am feeling sick mentally and physically.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, get your own life together first. You don't need to be contacting her, as she can't help you right now and doesn't want to be with you.

 

Probably all will get from her right now is a negative response, and then what?

 

You have to learn to do this on your own.

[Altair0770]

I am going to get help I have an appointment for mental health services. I really want to talk to her though. I can and will change and I want her to know. I am feeling sick mentally and physically.

 

Okay let me give you a tip that helped me. Write down ALL your emotions on a piece of paper. Physical writing, do not type it. Write it all down but DO *NOT* SEND IT to her.

 

I know you want to talk to her, I know you want to prove you can change. I know you want to do anything to get her back. But you have to trust the millions of people that have gone through a breakup that doing this will only make your situation MUCH WORSE.

 

Women aren't attracted to needy, clingy, depressed guys. They are attracted to confident guys that can handle any situation like a man.

 

Take it from me. I've been hit on by people I don't find attractive at all, and had no interest. It was nice to see people make attempts, but it didn't change my interest in them. I politely declined. They didn't take no for an answer. The more they pushed and got clingy the more I had absolutely no interest in them and it pissed me off to the point I didn't want to ever hear from them.

 

When they finally gave up, I got curious to see what they were doing, despite not even having any interest in trying a relationship with them.

 

The most attractive thing you can do is walk away and regain your manhood. I know it's very difficult. I know it's easier said than done. I was in your boat before. I tried so hard and had to go to the crisis center to prevent suicide. And now I honestly don't give a damn about my ex besides the typical thought that might just pop into my head.

 

Walk away to heal. Eventually she will reach out to you. But the more you seem depressed and show her that, the less she's going to be interested in you.

 

Trust us - talking it out, ESPECIALLY IN YOUR CURRENT STATE, will ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE.

[Miserably_depressed]

Ok yall are right but she even said we can meet up wouldnt it be better to fix things sooner than later ive already went to church and got saved. Im going to NA meetings. I have mental health appoimtments scheduled. I mean we had a deep relationship there must be some way besides all this no contact. She said she wasnt going to sleep around. I was going to send flowers to her work but that would probably seem creepy or desperate right? I really cant live without her or stop thinkikg about her. Truth is i dont want to. I want to make things right. Whatever it takes. If i dont talk to her for so lomg she will surely move on. I was a major dick but i realize my mistakes and im ready to make up for it. I dont want to be with anyone else.

[Hoosfoos]

I guess if this is really what you want, then make your move...but don't be surprised if she says "no", making you feel even worse than you do now.

[Altair0770]

Follow the No Contact rule. This is the worst stage of a breakup. It's really fresh. You will find yourself soon. Believe in that, and believe in yourself.

 

A meetup would be detrimental unless she's going to reconcile, which she likely would have made clear.

 

No contact means you do not contact her, do not follow her, do not know ANYTHING about her, and make her do the same to you. You have to go radio silence. She doesn't get to know anything about you. Eventually the curiosity will kick in. May take days, weeks, months, years, who knows.

 

But right now I can say your meetup would likely be detrimental because of the current state you're in. You're not ready to meet her with indifference, and that is the best way to get someone back.

[Miserably_depressed]

Well you guys were right like always. I sent a facebook message saying, i respected her need for space but id really like to see her and clarify whats going on with the break. I waited like 30 minutes and couldnt help myself. I sent her a old pic of us kissing. She read it and just replied lol. Then i said what the hell we need to figure out whats going on. I told her me and the cat were her only family down here and to call me if she ever needed anything she did reply "ok babe" i then sent another message trying to say when can we meet up but i doubt she will reply. So i figure i just start no contact for real now. How bad did i hurt my chances by contacting her. Its driving me crazy becuase i think she might be sleeping with guys already. So i guess all i can do now is no contact until she does?

[Altair0770]

yep. You need to let her contact YOU. But beware of bedcrumbs

[Miserably_depressed]

What do you mean by breadcrumbs, I dont get it.

 

I wont cintact her again after tonight though it will be hard.

Heres some of the end of the conversation please let me know your analysis.

 

 

Me: Don't lie to me about this.[the break] Ive already taken some positive steps to change. If you've been ****ing around I'll find out. We need to meet up and talk soon foreal I don't want to have to move on without you babe. Hell I got some money we can go do whatever you want and have fun.

 

Her: whatever im busy

 

Me:I guess when your ready so tell me are you not going to sleep around on me until we can meet up or are you already doing that lol

 

Her: No im not I told you.

 

Me: Ok cause if you ever felt the need to you know you can just call me lol. I won't sleep around either I don't really want to, but thats why we need to really make some terms if your serious you can't just leave me guessing babe. We really should just talk soon. I am so sorry about the fake profile. But I promise you I never cheated on you. That much is true. I'm sorry I hurt you. Just let me know soon what you want to do at least. I just want you to know I love you always.

 

 

I know I probably shouldnt have said all of that but i couldnt help myself. I mean idk if shes lying about sleeping around but im almost 99% positive she never cheated in the relationship. Do you think shes lying. She hasnt read the last one yet but hopefully she just says yea i love you

[BluesPower]

Have you not read anything that the posters have been saying to you?

 

Do you thing they take time out of their day to help people like you for no reason?

 

They do it because they have lived through these types of relationship issues.

 

You have ruined any chance you may have had with this girl by doing what you just did and have been doing. YOU ARE TOO CLINGY. Get it.

 

For Christ sake knock it off. Do you realize what a fool you are making yourself out to be? Do you get that concept?

 

Just stop talking to her and move on, you are toast with this girl...

[Redhead14]

Ok Redhead 14 but if I try to set the terms like 2 weeks or else shell probably get pissed and blow me off. Please help me i am really not doing well. I am ready to die. I am so sad and miss her so much. I really need her back. I want to at least talk to her. I still have the cat which she really loves i got the cat for her as a gift a year ago. I kept it as a bargaining chip. I am so serious when i say i am.going to change i dont know if i can wait two weeks. I am working on myself i will be a better person. I want to take her out and do something big and really fun. Like the casino in the next state or something extravagant and really spoil her. I am so heartbroken i will not be able to easily get over this. PLEASE THERE HAS TO BE SOME OTHER WAY TO MAYBE GET HER BACK OR AT LEAST TO TALK TO ME BESIDES NO CONTACT IM GOIMG CRAZY. She really really loved me. We had something special. She wanted me.to.marry her. I have to make this right.

 

You need to chill. Give her the space. I told you that if she refuses to accept a meet up date, just let it go. It likely means that she has made up her mind to move on anyway. What she is doing is controlling and if this is how she deals with things, being in a marriage with her may be difficult. People who shut out their partners from important things/discussions, etc. are not going to be spouses.

 

You need to be mature and dignified if you even want that opportunity to be a possibility. It doesn't sound to me like either one of you are suitable for a successful relationship. Drugs and alcohol destroy relationships. Until that gets under control and left behind, you'll have a better chance of having a good relationship with someone.

 

You two sound like you are way too young.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Redhead14

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you mean by breadcrumbs, I dont get it.

 

I wont cintact her again after tonight though it will be hard.

Heres some of the end of the conversation please let me know your analysis.

 

 

Me: Don't lie to me about this.[the break] Ive already taken some positive steps to change. If you've been ****ing around I'll find out. We need to meet up and talk soon foreal I don't want to have to move on without you babe. Hell I got some money we can go do whatever you want and have fun.

 

Her: whatever im busy

 

Me:I guess when your ready so tell me are you not going to sleep around on me until we can meet up or are you already doing that lol

 

Her: No im not I told you.

 

Me: Ok cause if you ever felt the need to you know you can just call me lol. I won't sleep around either I don't really want to, but thats why we need to really make some terms if your serious you can't just leave me guessing babe. We really should just talk soon. I am so sorry about the fake profile. But I promise you I never cheated on you. That much is true. I'm sorry I hurt you. Just let me know soon what you want to do at least. I just want you to know I love you always.

 

 

I know I probably shouldnt have said all of that but i couldnt help myself. I mean idk if shes lying about sleeping around but im almost 99% positive she never cheated in the relationship. Do you think shes lying. She hasnt read the last one yet but hopefully she just says yea i love you

 

You need to stop with this, OP.

 

She broke up with you. You have no business prying into her personal life, and it shows her you have not changed at all.

 

It sounds to me like you have serious difficulty respecting boundaries so you resort to veiled threats and bribes of money/gifts to get your way. That is so unattractive, I can't tell you how much you shot yourself right in the foot with that.

 

It's very clear she doesn't want to talk to you right now. Leave her alone.

 

Get yourself together. You are in no place to date, and she sees that more than anyone.

Edited March 27, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Miserably_depressed]

Ok so since the last time ive been on here I messaged her on the 11th, the day after our anniversary. I noticed she had blocked my second profile so I made another profile to message her. I told her I was making alot of positive changes and that she would be pleasantly surprised. I told her I would give her the cat back. I also said could we meet up for food and talk. She just blocked me again. I messed up and made one more profile to message her i posted a picture of a few thousand dollars i had. I tried to foolishly bribe her with Acid and Ecstacy. I also asked if she wanted to go to Colorado on 420 (weed holiday). This time she just blocked me from the message function but I deleted my profile after. I know i was wrong to try to bribe her. It has been a month since the break up.

 

I am starting to feel a little better in the past 2 days. I still want her back. Im still going to AA and NA. I am meeting a woman from aa tomorrow who is going to help me get caught up with school. Ive been going to a counselor and church. I still have very little motivation and have been skipping class and havent tried to find a job yet. I am planning on doing everything by this week or next i will be back on track with getting a job and everything. I called the army and they said my fingerprints went through fine and they would try to work with me on my criminal charges i just need to lose about 50 pounds before i can join. This made me feel some hope.

 

I realized since the break up what all i did wrong. I am getting to the core of my problems. People have been telling me alot lately i seem to be pretty honest and speak from the heart and that i am aware of whats going on with myself. I have come to realize how and why i was wrong to her. I dont hold any ill will towards her even though i did resent her before the break up. I know i should keep no contact but i was thinking about writing a heartfelt apology not to get her back but to let her know i realize how i was wrong and that i am truly sorry. Is this a bad idea? I just feel the apology would give me closure and let her know im truly taking steps to change. I was going to remain no contact after the apology with no expectation of a reply. I was going to send it to her on a facebook profile and delete the profile right after so she could only read it. I still want her back. I was being selfish in my actions and I realize what a good girl i lost.