Weird situation - Now I'm cut off

[DontBreakEven]

I will try to make this short and sweet because in my head it is so complicated.

 

I met this girl about 6 weeks ago. From the first communication we hit it off. Anyway, I'll get right down to it:

 

She is also a woman, and right off the bat she told me that she was recently separated from a man, going through a divorce (not finalized yet), and also recently broke up with her girlfriend (basically cheated on the dude with a girl and fell in love with her, hence the end of the marriage). She was super torn up about the recent breakup with the woman, also confused now as to what her sexuality actually is, because since then she's been going out with men and women and finding that she's not connecting with men anymore which is shocking her. I find this all out rather quickly, and she does tell me that while she's not looking for anything serious or complicated at the moment, that I have definitely given her crushy feelings.

 

We continue with this casual arrangement, both her knowing that I'm actually looking for something more at this point in my life, and me knowing that while the arrangement is as such, she's acting really really into me and saying stuff like, "I know that this is supposed to be super casual but it's not as casual as I originally planned. At least for me it isn't." But I also know that she's sleeping with other people as well - a lot of other people, actually, both men and women - doesn't seem to put much emotional weight on sex at all - yet telling me I am different; that she actually has a connection with me, she's just not in the right mind space at the moment, and she still wants to have meaningless, numbing casual relationships with people, but I am not meaningless.

 

Anyway, fast forward a couple weeks to where I start realizing how emotionally unavailable she really is. We start discussing this, and more and more comes out about her feelings on this recent break up with her gf. They've been friends since childhood, have been through a ton together, basically family, and she wants to maintain a friendship. They still talk almost daily. But she's heartbroken and actually still holding out hope that someday they may work out. Anyway, once I start hearing this I'm thinking, "What am I doing?" I was going to develop a serious crush on something that was going nowhere. So I communicated that I don't know how long I can realistically keep this going. To which she seemed hurt, but understood, and told me we can just be friends if that's what I want.

 

She didn't leave me alone though. We communicated everyday to where she told me she was thinking of me all the time etc, and by the end of that week, I was just like okay let's try and keep this casual for the moment and see where it goes. I made plans to see her again that next weekend. 3 days later, she had some sort of major freak out and told me she felt like she was losing her mind thinking about our conversations about her ex and stuff, and how she's been pushing down her feelings and just numbing out and she actually needs to deal with her feelings so she can eventually be happy and settled. And that she needs to not rely on someone else to make that decision. Basically it ended in her saying that she needs to let this go, but she wants to say "for now", because she inevitably will miss me and hopes that when she gets her sh*t together, maybe we can start fresh. That she just can't right now because she can't give all of herself to anyone, and she doesn't think that's fair for her or anyone else. She's dealing with a ton including a divorce that hasn't even come to fruition yet, the hardest breakup of her life thus far, and possibly making a huge life transition by facing her newfound sexuality.

 

So I stoically said okay. It didn't hit me for a few days that this meant we were done. And especially since she was still contacting me on social media apps (but that was it ... no texting/phone calls anymore). Just flirting on like snapchat and stuff. Which started really irking me and messing with my mind, and I finally told her so via text. So then after I told her that, she got REAL avoidant it felt like. I was texting a bit trying to get some more answers. All I got was a bit of a defensiveness - a lot of "I can't go over this again because I'm a f*cking mess right now" - a lot of "busy, but don't think I'm ignoring you" responses, etc. It felt like a huge push away, although in there was the constant, "Please know that my silence is not due to lack of caring" and "I was having more than casual feelings and therefore I needed to step back for now ... I can't give myself to anyone right now I have to deal with the sh*t from my past".

 

Okay, well after it became obvious she didn't want to beat this dead horse, I finally just told her that I would just deal with my confusion and accept what was. Haven't spoken since.

 

Weird part ... since that day last week, she has friended a new girl on all social media channels that is obviously someone she is involved with sexually, based on what I can see in the activity. In fact, I'm pretty sure this girl was one of the casual sex partners that I knew about. One that she told me was hot and fun, but too dumb to date. Well, they are clearly messing around regularly now, that part is obvious. What really got to me today was when I saw that the new girl made a Spotify playlist that was titled "I miss you already". Made 2 days ago ... the day the girl I was dating went to Florida for a week vacation. And the girl I was dating has followed this playlist, so it was clearly made for her by the new girl.

 

I saw this and kind of went on an internal rampage. That seems a bit more than casual, no? And yet she was telling me the reason we had to cut contact "for now" was because we were getting too beyond casual (on both sides), and she can't have that at the moment. I don't know what to believe anymore. I discussed with my therapist and she said no matter what story I tell myself, the relationship is over. And I agree. I just wish I had more clear answers. Like was she for real with me and just couldn't handle what we were doing at the moment, or was that a nice thing to say to let me down easy? Maybe I just wasn't it for her and this new girl is? Maybe it just took a certain person for her to want to try to commit? I mean then still none of this makes sense because no matter what, she was DEFINITELY nowhere near over the ex.

 

I don't know. I got angry and deleted her off of all social media, which has actually made me feel better. I'm unsure if I've been lied to or what. Don't know what to think.

Edited March 21, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[DumpedGuy9617]

My advice? Run the other way and don't look back. Sounds like a crazy person. If it's this bad this early, it will only get worse.

[coolheadal]

Sounds like she's bisexual, is that what you want? She can do whatever she pleases you can't tell her what to do for what you want from her. Sounds like you have made your final ending to this nightmare. So move on, not much you can do, which is nothing meaningful could ever come out to of this she's not into women than men..

[DontBreakEven]

Sounds like she's bisexual, is that what you want? She can do whatever she pleases you can't tell her what to do for what you want from her. Sounds like you have made your final ending to this nightmare. So move on, not much you can do, which is nothing meaningful could ever come out to of this she's not into women than men..

 

Well actually the sexuality confusion was the least of my worries. It's pretty apparent to me that she is wanting women over men these days. She stated it numerous times, it was obvious in her dating choices as well as the heartbreak over her exgf and not too much turmoil over the divorce (save for extreme guilt).

 

I probably didn't make it very clear in my original post, but this woman is amazing. She's a catch in some many aspects. Smartest woman I've ever dated, hilarious, sweet, actually CALLS and doesn't just text, great career, etc. That's why I'm upset about this. Not to mention our conversation was just perfect. No one has stimulated my mind more.

[Erik30]

I probably didn't make it very clear in my original post, but this woman is amazing. She's a catch in some many aspects. Smartest woman I've ever dated, hilarious, sweet, actually CALLS and doesn't just text, great career, etc. That's why I'm upset about this. Not to mention our conversation was just perfect. No one has stimulated my mind more.

 

No she's not amazing. She cheated on her husband, jumps from relationship to relationship, sleeps around, and just dumped you for this other girl. The whole thing meant more to you than it to her. Don't look at her social media anymore, block her and move on.

[act00]

She's trouble. As I was reading, I was thinking, "And how does Dontbreakeven know she's not saying the same things to these other men/women" -- this is getting more than casual, thinking about you, you're different than the others, special, and I'm guessing she was, with at least a couple of them. That's part of her conflict. And it's not that she's playing, she genuinely feels these things, like you did.

 

She can't be alone, it seems, and even though she really shouldn't be running into a new relationship so fast, she wants the "couple," and in the beginning it's always new and exciting, and then things start to get real, and she's not ready, or this person isn't really "it," and she's off on her way. The other person is confused and asking, "What's going on here with us? What do you want?" And she backs off, because she's not ready, and she knows it. Plus the gender issue - boys, girls, both?

 

Let her run through her mess. I would just cut her out of your social media to avoid her. Friends isn't going to work. She's a mess, and it will be painful for you, both in that she dumped you and you have feelings for her, but also watching her life spiraling as she blows through these people, hurts them and gets hurt, makes bad choices, etc., and worse if your her shoulder, or you get intimate, by mistake, and she's off again to the next one. Stay out of it.

[coolheadal]

Well actually the sexuality confusion was the least of my worries. It's pretty apparent to me that she is wanting women over men these days. She stated it numerous times, it was obvious in her dating choices as well as the heartbreak over her exgf and not too much turmoil over the divorce (save for extreme guilt).

 

I probably didn't make it very clear in my original post, but this woman is amazing. She's a catch in some many aspects. Smartest woman I've ever dated, hilarious, sweet, actually CALLS and doesn't just text, great career, etc. That's why I'm upset about this. Not to mention our conversation was just perfect. No one has stimulated my mind more.

 

But you have doubts about her and what she wants. But you can stay friends with her. If you want to casual date her you can do that. But anything meaningful after that would be a word of caution. She's the cat your the mouse what do you want to do? Hide in your hole or do you want to go out and explore others. You found someone you want to be with but it's not her plan to do so with you. Do you get it now? We men can't change the woman mindset she's going to do whatever she wants, you can wait and waste your life on waiting for her to come to you when it your turn after the women she dates. Or you can go find a woman who wants to be with you fully! But in the end your going to chase this other woman down, because like you said she has stimulated your mind more.. That's the problem.. You can't let go and find someone else. Your hooked!

[DontBreakEven]

No she's not amazing. She cheated on her husband, jumps from relationship to relationship, sleeps around, and just dumped you for this other girl. The whole thing meant more to you than it to her. Don't look at her social media anymore, block her and move on.

 

I did block her from everything yesterday. I feel exponentially better today now that I know she's no longer able to watch my snap story. Why should someone who's not in my life, get that kinda glimpse into my life?

[DontBreakEven]

She's trouble. As I was reading, I was thinking, "And how does Dontbreakeven know she's not saying the same things to these other men/women" -- this is getting more than casual, thinking about you, you're different than the others, special, and I'm guessing she was, with at least a couple of them. That's part of her conflict. And it's not that she's playing, she genuinely feels these things, like you did.

 

She can't be alone, it seems, and even though she really shouldn't be running into a new relationship so fast, she wants the "couple," and in the beginning it's always new and exciting, and then things start to get real, and she's not ready, or this person isn't really "it," and she's off on her way. The other person is confused and asking, "What's going on here with us? What do you want?" And she backs off, because she's not ready, and she knows it. Plus the gender issue - boys, girls, both?

 

Let her run through her mess. I would just cut her out of your social media to avoid her. Friends isn't going to work. She's a mess, and it will be painful for you, both in that she dumped you and you have feelings for her, but also watching her life spiraling as she blows through these people, hurts them and gets hurt, makes bad choices, etc., and worse if your her shoulder, or you get intimate, by mistake, and she's off again to the next one. Stay out of it.

 

Ya know, good point Act00. It got to the point where I actually told her that I only believe a percentage of the lines she spits to me. To which she seemed offended that implied that not everything was completely genuine.

 

But was it really? I mean, I did a bit of research on the girl she was being "casual" with before me. The girl she claimed she didn't feel anything for, and that girl was getting too many feelings. That girl posted things on her social media of my girl doing really cute things for her - like bringing her a care package when she was sick, taking her to see a dumb movie, etc. My girl also continuously liked this girl's selfies and pics of her niece and family, etc ... even after the fact. That girl would even post pics of my girl with cute captions ... like obviously she felt like she was in a place where she could do this ... something made her feel that way ... hmmm wonder what she was being told.

 

I guess this girl ended up calling my girl a f*ckboy, and my girl told me about this and was offended by it, said she wasn't trying to be. Said she just teases and it "gets her in trouble", to which she'd then say, "But I don't say the stuff to them that I saw to you".

 

Idk lol. I feel like I'm a good judge of character though. I felt like this girl was cool. Maybe she is just going through such a mess that she's gonna put anyone through the ringer. Who knows. Sucks to not have closure is all.

[DontBreakEven]

I guess what really bothers me is the thought that she has something real going with this new girl. Which would baffle me, considering how much she was grieving her exgf and holding out hope that they'd get back together.

[smackie9]

She's one of those that thrives on in the moment intense passion. That's why she goes from one person to the next. She's a very hollow person.

[DontBreakEven]

She's one of those that thrives on in the moment intense passion. That's why she goes from one person to the next. She's a very hollow person.

 

You may be correct. She literally has no shame in that she had sex with 5 different people in the course of a month. She admittedly doesn't like to be alone.

 

It's odd to me to juggle people like that. Like I could never genuinely do that. I don't understand that mindset at all. It's hard for me to accept behavior that I completely and totally can't wrap my head around.

[DontBreakEven]

And now I'm having a really hard time getting over this, and I feel awfully foolish about it

 

I feel like I have no closure and don't really understand what really for real happened

[act00]

And now I'm having a really hard time getting over this, and I feel awfully foolish about it

 

I feel like I have no closure and don't really understand what really for real happened

 

This is so normal; you know that! She spilled her feelings, made you feel special, and even though you knew deep down, this is not good timing (not divorced yet) and she wasn't ready for a long-term commitment (gender issues, needs to be alone after a marriage for awhile, she'll have rebound relationships), you got sucked in by her words and her attention and her passion. And then you got stomped on.

 

I was talking with a lady at work today who said, "I have rose-colored glasses, and you know what's wrong with rose-colored glasses? All the red flags are also rose-colored." I'm like, "Yeah, or invisible." We LOL'd. You knew going into this, this was not a long-term gig, but you got sucked in by her treatment of you, her charm, the confusion because she "wanted casual" but seemed to put her all into you and your relationship together, and as a result, you got lost in the roses. Totally normal...and hopefully you can avoid such chaos next time. Live and learn. Your closure will happen when you are separated from this situation for awhile and realize what a hot mess she was during your time together.

[DontBreakEven]

This is so normal; you know that! She spilled her feelings, made you feel special, and even though you knew deep down, this is not good timing (not divorced yet) and she wasn't ready for a long-term commitment (gender issues, needs to be alone after a marriage for awhile, she'll have rebound relationships), you got sucked in by her words and her attention and her passion. And then you got stomped on.

 

I was talking with a lady at work today who said, "I have rose-colored glasses, and you know what's wrong with rose-colored glasses? All the red flags are also rose-colored." I'm like, "Yeah, or invisible." We LOL'd. You knew going into this, this was not a long-term gig, but you got sucked in by her treatment of you, her charm, the confusion because she "wanted casual" but seemed to put her all into you and your relationship together, and as a result, you got lost in the roses. Totally normal...and hopefully you can avoid such chaos next time. Live and learn. Your closure will happen when you are separated from this situation for awhile and realize what a hot mess she was during your time together.

 

Thank you so much for your insight. I guess where my highly analytical mind gets lost in confusion is: 1) why did she put her all into me for a while? I don't understand that, as it's personally the last thing I would do in her situation ... and 2) what is up with the new girl? WTF is that? I mean yes, she did it last month with another one too, but my abandonment fears scream, "Well that one last month just wasn't the girl for her. And neither were you. Now she's dated around and found what she was looking for". To which then my rational mind screams, "BS, she is still hopelessly in love with her ex and is a self-proclaimed mess right now."

 

Ugh. I appreciate all you guys. You help me not let my mind constantly run away with itself. I'm a thinker. Always needing to get to the bottom of things.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yikes, this had red flags all over it from the beginning.

 

You should spend this time not going over her actions, but asking yourself why you ignored the obvious signs of trouble and kept going anyway. That is what will really bring you closure.

[Arieswoman]

DBE,

 

She is also a woman, and right off the bat she told me that she was recently separated from a man, going through a divorce (not finalized yet), and also recently broke up with her girlfriend (basically cheated on the dude with a girl and fell in love with her, hence the end of the marriage).

 

She's got a lot of problems and not ready for anything.

 

Next !

[DontBreakEven]

Yeah I mean, you are all correct. And she even told me that she has a lot of problems, and felt like a piece of sh*t for dragging me into her mess. I get that she's even admittedly not ready for anything. That's why my mind is going wild with why she is seemingly with this new girl.

 

 

I don't know. As to the comment about figuring out why I ignored everything ... I don't know. I'm just that lonely. I want love in my life. I want a companion. I don't connect heavily to a ton of people, so when I do find a connection, I get excited about it. I'm getting so jaded consistently finding that it seems that EVERY TIME I connect with someone, there are all these reasons why I can't continue with the relationship. I'm just tired of it.

[DontBreakEven]

I know that people can be going through times in their lives when they shouldn't be dating seriously, etc. I also know that she explicitly stated to me many times from jump that she was looking for only casual.

 

I guess I just feel kind of offended that I wasn't even kept on the casual roster. She claims it's because she knows that's not what I want or who I am, and that she was having less than casual feelings so she needed to step back. But I just don't know if I buy the part about what she was feeling. Why would someone need to step back from something they are into? I guess I don't get it, because this is not how I would act in such a situation.

[bluefeather]

She was lying to you. She didn't have very strong feelings for you so she left. She just said that to not hurt your feelings as much as she could have, and also probably to keep you hanging around as a backup source of attention, which you were doing.

[DontBreakEven]

I don't know that I believe that. There was a girl she was dating in January whom she didn't have feelings for at all, who fell for her, and she still hangs around and communicates with this person. Attempts a friendship with her

[BluesPower]

We don't know... and you don't know if she really had feelings for you. It is possible that she did.

 

I am not proud of it but I have dumped girls that I was just digging too much. That pretty much makes me a dick, but you can tell when you are going to get wrapped up in someone. If you are not in a place that you can do that, you run.

 

My main girl, actually has my head spinning right now. And at this point I am just tired of fighting it. It is like she is making me love her some how. Frankly, it just freaks me out.

 

Oh well, there are worse things in life than being in love...

[bluefeather]

I don't know that I believe that.

 

Ok, well that's my take on it. I'm pretty sure it's accurate.

Peace.

[DontBreakEven]

We don't know... and you don't know if she really had feelings for you. It is possible that she did.

 

I am not proud of it but I have dumped girls that I was just digging too much. That pretty much makes me a dick, but you can tell when you are going to get wrapped up in someone. If you are not in a place that you can do that, you run.

 

My main girl, actually has my head spinning right now. And at this point I am just tired of fighting it. It is like she is making me love her some how. Frankly, it just freaks me out.

 

Oh well, there are worse things in life than being in love...

 

Well, yeah I mean from day one she kept telling me that she is not looking for anything serious or complicated, and then would playfully say to me, "and with that being said, you are annoying me because you give me butterflies, so you need to stop that".

 

Who knows. If it was all a game and a bunch of lines, then I'm better off without her anyway. She is now mainly causally dating the girl she told me she would being calling up on the late night for sex, and then sending her on her way because she is "too dumb to date". So again, if she is full of it, then I'm better off.

 

If she is being truthful, and really doesn't want anything, then all of this makes sense. But it also makes sense if she was lying as well.

 

As you say, we don't know. I think that's what drives me the most insane. I'm an analytical person by nature. I always need answers. I'm having the hardest time letting this have loose ends, and yet I have no choice.

[DontBreakEven]

I am not proud of it but I have dumped girls that I was just digging too much. That pretty much makes me a dick, but you can tell when you are going to get wrapped up in someone. If you are not in a place that you can do that, you run.

 

Blues,

 

Why? Can I pick your brain here? Why??? Like I said to her when she told me she was having feelings. I said, okay well I don't get that because if I am having feelings the last thing I do is push them away. And she said that she knows that but she can't right now. That she can't give all of herself to anyone right now and she doesn't want to half-a** it. That it's not fair to her or anyone else.

 

I mean maybe I just don't get it because I don't date AT ALL when I am hung up on an ex or going through a break up. She is not even divorced yet and heartbroken over her other ex and admittedly just wants to numb out. I just ... she and I are so different.