People with emotional on/off switches

[airborne3502]

I wrote the following last week after an unexpected breakup. It's sort of a self-help column for myself. I'm curious if any of you have run into people like this.

 

 

 

When starting down the road in any relationship, there's the inevitable process of emotional investment. Some invest this emotional capital quicker than others, but at the end of the day, the armor comes off and you leave yourself defenseless.

 

Once your guard is down, there's one individual that nobody wants or deserves to run afoul of - the person who is able to change their mind about you on a whim. For most people, the thought of someone that's all in emotionally today at noon and all out by 8PM is, to quote "The Princess Bride", inconceivable. These individuals have a gift, or perhaps a curse, of being able to genuinely not give a damn unexpectedly. It makes you wonder if they ever really cared about you in the first place. Adding to the confusion, is that they are often the most passionate lovers and the love they give at the beginning is like something out of a movie. Unfortunately, underneath that passion, there is a dark underlying secret.

 

It makes you question yourself – what could you have possibly done wrong to make a person care so little out of the blue? Could it have all been a dream? No, because the photos and mementos of the relationship say different.

 

On/off switch people set off IED's in people's hearts like emotional terrorists, but they've got their reasons. They are themselves trauma victims in some way. They have extremely low self-esteem and can't get over their hurts like other individuals. They are highly sensitive, and perceive any letdown as a big betrayal. For most people that first fight, in a new relationship, is a natural part of falling in love. Bonds strengthen as couples learn each other's instruction manuals on the way to overcoming life's many hurdles. For on/off switch people, it's the end of the world.

 

When the on/off switch is flipped, the person engaging the defense mechanism has zero empathy, or remorse, for the heartache and confusion they inflict on the person they were so recently madly in love with.

 

These actions aren't normal or excusable. People that cause devastating hurt to other people's lives have a moral responsibility to seek the help necessary to remove that switch. If they choose to keep it, they have no business getting into serious relationships because it's immoral, selfish, and wrong, regardless of what their past has made them.

 

We've all, at some point in our lives, longed for the ability to shut down our emotions like a Vulcan and not feel any pain. However, those with the ability to flip that on/off switch shouldn't be viewed as gifted or talented.

 

They are suffering from mental illness, and await the good-hearted like landmines.

 

If you’re not an on/off switch person, you have to be wary of them. Be vigilant in new relationships, because even though everything is fine right now, it could change in an instant.

 

 

 

I've run into this situation three times in my life.

[lionlover1973]

Do you write for Thought Catalog?

[Blanco]

I've run into this situation three times in my life.

 

Unless you've been with a lot of women, perhaps this is the part you should focus on in your healing process.

[fromheart]

Yeah I've run into a few of these type myself. It is indeed a mental illness and they are best avoided.

You end up staying with them in the hope they will improve and it'll get better, you end up living in a circle of abuse that gets worse and worse.

 

Now I've learned to spot them early and cut and run in the early stages.

[Cookies101]

This is very timely. Thanks a lot for your post. Mine has caused me considerable distress.

 

Question is: how to spot them?

[basil67]

In defense of those who can shut down.

 

I can easily imagine being in a relatively short term relationship (say less than 6 months) and having a partner who suddenly demonstrates a deal breaking behaviour. I think it's entirely healthy to be able to draw the shutters, say NOPE and walk away without looking back.

[airborne3502]

In defense of those who can shut down.

 

I can easily imagine being in a relatively short term relationship (say less than 6 months) and having a partner who suddenly demonstrates a deal breaking behaviour. I think it's entirely healthy to be able to draw the shutters, say NOPE and walk away without looking back.

 

That's a different animal.

 

If your significant other blows up at a server at a restaurant, I'd say hit the road and go.

 

I'd also give people that are deeply infatuated a pass for their actions when that feeling suddenly starts to wane.

[rushed]

They have extremely low self-esteem and can't get over their hurts like other individuals. They are highly sensitive, and perceive any letdown as a big betrayal. For most people that first fight, in a new relationship, is a natural part of falling in love. Bonds strengthen as couples learn each other's instruction manuals on the way to overcoming life's many hurdles. For on/off switch people, it's the end of the world.

 

When the on/off switch is flipped, the person engaging the defense mechanism has zero empathy, or remorse, for the heartache and confusion they inflict on the person they were so recently madly in love with.

 

These actions aren't normal or excusable. People that cause devastating hurt to other people's lives have a moral responsibility to seek the help necessary to remove that switch. If they choose to keep it, they have no business getting into serious relationships because it's immoral, selfish, and wrong, regardless of what their past has made them.

 

We've all, at some point in our lives, longed for the ability to shut down our emotions like a Vulcan and not feel any pain. However, those with the ability to flip that on/off switch shouldn't be viewed as gifted or talented.

 

They are suffering from mental illness, and await the good-hearted like landmines.

 

If you’re not an on/off switch person, you have to be wary of them. Be vigilant in new relationships, because even though everything is fine right now, it could change in an instant.

 

 

I'm an on/off person. I see every slight as a huge offense and a lead into "this isn't going to work out." I'm working on it, though, and coming to see that every fight/disagreement is not an end all be all.

 

However, I don't have low esteem. I have the opposite really, which is why it's easy for me to walk. I know my worth and how easy it can be to find someone else when I'm at that point.

 

I think it's a bit much to state that we have a "moral responsibility" to remove that switch, and that we have no business getting into a serious relationship. A relationship is exactly what is helping me to see this in me and to get through it.

[Cookies101]

However, I don't have low esteem. I have the opposite really, which is why it's easy for me to walk. I know my worth and how easy it can be to find someone else when I'm at that point.

 

That's a different story to somebody who leads you on, and then pulls the switch two days after showing extremely loving and amerous behaviour, and then asks to be friends to gain all the benefits, but no responsibility. Furthermore, it is equally irresponsible when you have stated yourself that you don't like getting into relationships if they are not going to progress, and will be a passing phase. To pull the plug two days after demonstrating very amerous behaviour is just insane in my opinion.

 

Edit: Your comment about high self-esteem is interesting to me and points to my low esteem, which allowed me to be in a "relationship" with a person like this...

 

I think it's a bit much to state that we have a "moral responsibility" to remove that switch, and that we have no business getting into a serious relationship. A relationship is exactly what is helping me to see this in me and to get through it.

 

I think, as we age, we have a moral responsibility to consider the feelings and wellbeing of others.

Edited March 13, 2017 by Cookies101

[Itspointless]

airborn, I doubt you are describing a mental illness, it sounds like you are describing dismissive (or fearful) avoidant attachment, a defense mechanism, created in earlier life. These people have learned to fend for themselves have high self-esteem (the first variant) but distrust others on a deep level and are highly vulnerable when it comes to criticism. People who have this in a strong sense have convinced themselves they do not need others, in a way it also make them replaceable. But that actually isn't true, as their brains show different stories when breaking up. Usually they do when you became an emotional threat for them: when they notice that you are coming to emotionally close (that actually usually is something unconscious).

 

As for that moral responsibility. Sorry, it really does not work that way. And yes I (and many here) have been there.

[salparadise]

When the on/off switch is flipped, the person engaging the defense mechanism has zero empathy, or remorse, for the heartache and confusion they inflict on the person they were so recently madly in love with.

 

These actions aren't normal or excusable. People that cause devastating hurt to other people's lives...

 

I had this happen to me six weeks ago. We were together a year and a half and it seemed like the perfect relationship. I invested heart and soul. She switched off in an instant and became the cold, cruel, angry, uncaring person you describe. I'm still reeling from it. The dissonance is so hard to resolve.

 

It all boils down to one question –– can an emotionally healthy person switch off feelings of love and affection instantly? Most people believe it's not possible. If that's true, then what the hell happened?

[Itspointless]

can an emotionally healthy person switch off feelings of love and affection instantly?

I do not believe that is possible instantly, because of the emotional investment and all the hormones that our brought into play in our bodies.

 

But with severe cases of dismissive-avoidant attachment this is what happens inside emotionally with people:

(it is just 2 minutes by prof. dr. Dan Siegel)

 

See if you recognize the things described here:

Edited March 14, 2017 by Itspointless

[Goodguy05]

I kno this most cases they have started to disconnect way before they break up for watever the reason is so it gov3s the appearance that they have moved on very quickly wen in effect they hav been doing it for a while mind u they do it in the safety of the relationship.

 

Wen theyv3 got another support network to replace u wether it be friends or another partner they go that's the part they suck at. And ur right usually there's another huge self esteem issue probably caused because of there relationship wth there dad or lack of one and they chase u say all these wonderful things about how they've never loved anyone like u etc. That part is the part that baffles me as it seems like it was just all talk.

 

I think the reason this type do this and have this switch and u are right wen u talk about the self esteem is they smother u wth lov it becomes unbalanced u dont put as much in or feel u need to because they r always giving u plenty of reassurance leading u to believe nothings wrong. Here's the confusing part wen they do this and shower u wth love yet complain it sends u a mixed signal on the one hand ur getting plenty of love yet they r saying there's issues but this behaviour leads u to believe everything's ok because they r still showering u wth love coming from there low self esteem.

 

I believe if if it wasn't a self esteem issue ur partner would most likely leave and not put up wth an issue that there not happy wth or pull back there love to balance out the issue to make it known ur no doormat

Edited March 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs and left the text-speak alone

[spiderowl]

Interesting thoughts and I really like how you say that eventually the armour comes off and you are defenceless. That is a wonderful description of how intimacy grows.

 

Yes, I've experienced the sudden turnoff too and it is shocking when it happens. I could not say why he did it, but I've done similar myself. When I did it, it was because I was being messed about. He did not know what he wanted and pushed/pulled until I was completely exhausted with it all. I had to cut off because there could be no half-way measure and what he was doing was very hurtful and confusing.

Edited March 15, 2017 by spiderowl

[Fair]

Yes I've definitely seen this. It's called narcissism, sometimes sociopathy. Although, the majority of the human race seem narcissistic to me and perhaps they are these days...

 

everyone has an on/off switch, the question becomes when and how it's used and why, or IF it's used at all, but the majority of the population is a member of the sheepdom and very easily adopt behaviours based on what they see around them simply because its the norm. I used to think everybody had the ability to reason but they don't. At least, not beyond their own level of personality development and most of them fall into level one which means you can't rightly expect much from them if you are more advanced.

 

Just tossing thoughts around. I realize this probably didn't help.

[salparadise]

I do not believe that is possible instantly, because of the emotional investment and all the hormones that our brought into play in our bodies.

 

But with severe cases of dismissive-avoidant attachment this is what happens inside emotionally with people:

(it is just 2 minutes by prof. dr. Dan Siegel)

 

See if you recognize the things described here:

 

 

Both of these are interesting: a) no internal intention of the caregiver to know me, therefore there is no one to know... a deficit of identity with self... feelings of emptiness and inability to attach in an empathetic, caring, other-focused way. Attachments end up being superficial, because the emotional development was incomplete. If one cannot compassionately identify with one's self, the capacity to identify with the other in a truly empathetic way is just not present. b) pushing away as a defense against pain (often masked by anger) and inability to move closer to a place of safety with the other, which requires tolerance for vulnerability. Instead they control the uncomfortable feelings by closing off and shutting down any emotional response (other than anger or the defense being used to mask).

 

These are both closely related to the classic inability to be other-focused that is found in personality disordered people (cluster b) because the ability to relate to others in a loving, caring, giving way is derived from a sense of wholeness within the self... internal regulation that does not require the person to fill a void, mask their pain, or get certain needs met that most people are able to provide for themselves internally, thus being free to focus outwardly rather than make it a priority to extract feeling of wholeness from others (attachment objects).

 

I think my ex was/is broken in some way that relates to all of these, but it's extremely difficult to pin down precisely... and maybe I don't need to. I can't be all that objective because I was the object and was deeply invested, secondly, she's the PhD psychologist and I am pretty sure that she has used intelligence and knowledge to reinforce her defense mechanisms rather than dissolve them and move toward self awareness. It is interesting how I am the one who is digging for answers, resolution, understanding and she just feels angry and justified.

Edited March 16, 2017 by salparadise

[Itspointless]

Hi Sal, in my experience the answer does not really relieve, it only breaks down the attempt to try. For me these videos gave me the long awaited answer. So many things correlated that it was scary. But still, I was so hooked on her. In some ways I still miss her after more than three years. But I have accepted it a long time ago. What I find a bit uncomforting is that I haven’t found the need again to go out again. Last year I tried, but it felt wrong and that fact I found annoying. Anyway be true to yourself, it is clear that you loved her. It is just that sometimes people are not worth our love anymore, as they have changed with regard to what we appreciated in them or though they were.

[salparadise]

Hi Sal, in my experience the answer does not really relieve, it only breaks down the attempt to try. For me these videos gave me the long awaited answer. So many things correlated that it was scary. But still, I was so hooked on her. In some ways I still miss her after more than three years. But I have accepted it a long time ago. What I find a bit uncomforting is that I haven’t found the need again to go out again. Last year I tried, but it felt wrong and that fact I found annoying. Anyway be true to yourself, it is clear that you loved her. It is just that sometimes people are not worth our love anymore, as they have changed with regard to what we appreciated in them or though they were.

 

That's right. There are two aspects to the hurt and confusion, and to resolving it and moving forward. First is finding a rational explanation to get past the dissonance, and the second is grieving the loss. Figuring out that it (she) wasn't real helps with the confusion somewhat, but the emotions don't respond to logic and still want the fairy tale to be true and to return to the delusion.

 

I am somewhat comforted in knowing that a healthy, loving person doesn't have an instant off switch, and even if they decide to end a relationship they don't do so easily, and they don't go from ILU to distain in an instant, and they don't treat their loved one with contempt and disrespect when they could just as easily be compassionate... which is their nature, supposedly. That was not the case though.

 

There were things brewing beneath the surface that came forth once she started the devaluing. I never really saw that part of her. She hid it well. It will take awhile for ti all to resolve and heal. I sometimes wish I could just be pissed off and done with the whole thing like her, but that's not who I am. I feel deeply and my emotions are persistent. Hopefully I will find someone eventually who is able to appreciate and honor that. I thought I had found it this time.

[Been]

I think also you have to ask yourself were you being played? For instance say a woman or man is not really into you but at the moment you'll do for them until something better comes along. And when that something better comes along they SEEM to switch off in an instant when in fact it was all an act.

I think ACTIONS speak louder then words and people should be judged more on what they do then what they say.

[salparadise]

I think also you have to ask yourself were you being played? For instance say a woman or man is not really into you but at the moment you'll do for them until something better comes along. And when that something better comes along they SEEM to switch off in an instant when in fact it was all an act.

 

I have examined that angle and I don't think it's the case, at least not in a way that was calculated and intentional. I think it's possible that she might have cooled over time but didn't communicate it, but again not in a deliberately manipulative way. It just doesn't seem to fit.

 

This notion has both degrees of intention and degrees of awareness. I do think it's possible that at some point she could have realized that I was not the person she wanted to be with the rest of her life, but since we were good together, and comfortable, she just kept things the same outwardly, continuing to encourage and affirm knowing that you can't go backwards and not being ready to give it up.

 

This is why in my original thread I mentioned that I felt she was out of my league in some ways. If certain things started to bother her or caused her interest to wain, perhaps even unconsciously, she might have started feeling that she could do better (classic GIGS), and then when we hit that speed bump there just wasn't enough value to counterbalance the notion to bail out.

 

It just makes rational sense that if she were invested and had real feelings she wouldn't have nuked it after a year and a half at the first little hiccup. And the fact that she did it in such a way as to inflict maximum pain and hurt tells me that something was seriously not as it seemed to be. So there must have been pretending, although I doubt that she was fully aware of it. Just unresolved stuff under the surface that she was in denial about and therefore didn't communicate.

[Onnanoko]

This is very timely. Thanks a lot for your post. Mine has caused me considerable distress.

 

Question is: how to spot them?

 

They are sometimes nearly impossible to spot because they are very good at hiding what they really are. Sometimes their true colors don't come out until they begin to develop feelings of apathy and distance towards the person they are no longer interested in. But by then, it's too late - the damage and hurt towards the innocent person has already been done.

[allybaba789]

More thoughts on how to spot these types of people would be helpful

[Itspointless]

More thoughts on how to spot these types of people would be helpful

What types of people? In this thread many types have been thrown around. Be careful with typecasting people! In my case I was talking about attachment-styles. There is lots about these styles to be found on the internet or when you use advanced search on this board. In case of attachment-styles also do not forget to look into the mirror. People with secure attachments styles usually attract people that are securely attached people (just saying).

[hindsight2021]

In my experience, signs have included emotional instability (inability to regulate ones own emotions, or exhibit out of the blue emotional intensity that can simply be present, but could also be directed towards you--or not be directed towards you.... simply just sudden out of the blue intensity of negative emotions), illogical/irrational thinking, projection of their own feelings onto the innocent person (we all project, but in this case it is done consistently... for example... telling the other person they are angry or will gey angry, when really they aren't angry, and continuing to do it until the other person gets angry, then they have their "proof"). Actions not matching up to their words. Vagueness when trying to answer a question. Lying. Inability to have emotionally present and vulnerable conversations.... or the ability to have them but with drama or difficulty. I am sure there are more.

 

Trust your gut. If something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't.

 

I think it is also worth saying that "the signs" may vary depending on who you are as a person and what paterns you repeat, and why you repeat them.

 

It's also important to look at yourself, and see your role in the whole thing. Nobody is ever 100% innocent. Even if that means you only abandoned yourself to please someone else, or to be with someone else. Or didnt listen to your instincts about someone. Or those instincts haven't been developed yet...

[somanymistakes]

I think also you have to ask yourself were you being played? For instance say a woman or man is not really into you but at the moment you'll do for them until something better comes along. And when that something better comes along they SEEM to switch off in an instant when in fact it was all an act.

I think ACTIONS speak louder then words and people should be judged more on what they do then what they say.

 

 

There's also the complete opposite side of the coin - people who switch quickly to playing cold and heartless and detached, because they think it's the best or only way to end the relationship and make it clear that it's really over, to burn the bridges and prevent either of you from going back.

 

It's related to the "no contact" provisions we see around here all the time. When someone decides they need to get out of a relationship, they may go seriously brutal to convince you that they never loved you, that there is no hope, and that you should move on. All sorts of motivations can be behind this behavior, including self-hatred. It doesn't necessarily mean they actually feel nothing.