will there be any contact with my ex? [UPDATE:I got all the answers]

[airborne3502]

My ex and I share the same birthday.

 

It’s today, March 12th.

 

Last Sunday night she broke up with me. We’d been dating two months, and

it’s been as close to a perfect beginning as I’ve ever had.

 

Here’s what happened:

 

We live three hours away from each other, but have been making it work, alternating weekends. She had a conference down in Orlando, Florida, so we planned a big rendezvous last Thursday, highlighted by a trip to Universal Studios. We were going to drive back together and things would culminate in a birthday party at her parents’ house tonight. Sometime during this trip I planned to tell her that I loved her. I believe she would have said it back. She’s said I’m an amazing man, and spoke of many “bests” and “firsts” with me.

 

So anyway, this past weekend, we decided not to visit each other to save our resources for Orlando. Out of the blue, she asks me if a male friend, going through a breakup, can stay at her place for a few days while his girlfriend moves out. I’m aware of how unattractive insecurity is, so I said sure. I trusted my girl. You have to have trust or there isn’t anything.

 

As usual, over the course of the weekend, she starts updating me on things she’s doing. On Friday, she took this guy to a bar to meet up with her sister and brother in law. On Saturday, she went to lunch with him and texted me some pics. I didn’t really think she’d be entertaining this guy, because she said she had errands to run for her Orlando trip. Keep in mind I was getting pics of her, sexual stuff, and excited texts about us meeting in Orlando the whole time. She said she couldn’t believe how much she and her friend were getting done, as opposed to us. She clarified that it was because I’m so damn sexy she can’t keep me out of the bedroom. Okay…cool…I think. We hadn’t had a lot of time to do stuff recently either way.

 

Saturday night she sends me a pic of a hockey game. No explanation - just a pic of the players on the ice. I’m like WTH? We were supposed to be saving money for Orlando, and she’s out at a hockey game with this guy!

 

I texted that I wasn’t invited to this event, and she said, she didn’t know it was happening. I explained that her telling me all the stuff she’s doing with this guy and how we should get out more is messed up. I was really irritated. It was about 930, and I turned off my phone while I calmed down. After about thirty minutes I turned it back on, because communication is key in any relationship. While it was off, she explained that her parents had given out a bunch of tickets, and that a large group of people had gone. She texted how she went outside the arena, tried to call, and was upset that my phone was turned off. (It went straight to voicemail.)

 

I fell asleep and she called me. She was very upset and it was like no conversation I’ve ever had with her before. She was really mad about the phone thing, so I apologized and asked her how she would have felt if the roles were reversed. She said I sounded like her ex-husband, (a cheater, and a total d-bag). I told her not to compare me to him, and she started complaining that she’s always wrong, can’t do anything right, and asked if I would have preferred it if she hadn’t told me anything about what she was doing. She was projecting her ex-husband onto me and arguing with him.

 

It was surreal. I’d never said any of that stuff to her before.

 

She was about to start crying, and I knew ole boy was staying with her, so I backed off. We agreed to talk on the phone Sunday after she got out of church. If her friend hadn’t been there, we could have talked it out through the night. However, if he hadn’t been there, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. The last thing she sent was a text saying how she didn’t see this coming, and how hurt she was.

 

On Sunday afternoon, I texted her after church and asked if it was a good time to call. She said she didn’t go to church and was out running errands. I asked if she wanted to talk later. She texted back, “We can.”

 

For all I know that dude was still hanging around, so I just waited. I wasn’t planning on calling at all because “we can” doesn’t = “I want to talk.”

 

She called that night at 730, and I explained that couples fight, and how the argument was an opportunity to learn from each other and grow closer. She wasn’t having it. She said her feelings had changed. I said I didn’t realize I had to be perfect. She started to cry a little and said goodbye.

 

I took it like a man, and didn’t blubber or beg. I did tell her she was throwing away the best that ever happened to her.

 

We haven’t spoken since then, but I’m sure she’s thought about our busted plans down in Orlando, and thought of me as her carpool took her past the exit where I live – to and from the conference.

 

I haven’t contacted her and she hasn’t contacted me.

 

I know it looks like a classic case of another rooster in my henhouse, but I don’t think she consciously went into this weekend with some sinister plan to hang out with this guy and sabotage things. I know, she did allow him to stay with her, and he could have gone anywhere to wait out his girlfriend moving out. There could be an attraction or a sexual history between them I’m not aware of.

 

I think what actually happened, is that I triggered some self-defense mechanism in her due to some damage inflicted by her ex-husband. Maybe our relationship could never again be what she thought it was in her mind. Then again, she may have cheated and used that as a stepping stone to move on. That would surprise me, because girls don’t usually cheat at the height of a relationship that’s going good. Do they cheat in the moment something goes terribly wrong? Beats me. In hindsight, it was bad judgment to say I was OK with her friend’s visit. I’d still have a girlfriend had I just said, NO.

 

I’ll be honest. I’m devastated.

 

Every girl that’s ever dumped me has come back. I guess that’s because I’ve always squared my shoulders back, set my jaw, and gone no contact.

 

However, percentage wise, I’m due to lose one.

 

I’d really like her back if this was all a big misunderstanding. However, her cutting me loose without lifting a finger to fight for us wasn’t. She’d have to apologize, show some empathy, and most importantly, promise not to freak out the next time we have an argument.

 

I’m not texting her on our birthday, and I’ve prepared myself not to hear from her. If that’s the case, we’re done. There’s no ambiguity or false hope, so that’s good. If I do hear from her, I’m not responding to a generic birthday greeting.

 

However, one thing is certain:

 

For the rest of my life, I’ll always think of her on my birthday, if only for a second.

 

As for this birthday…it’s the toughest one ever.

 

Sorry about the length, it was a complicated situation, and accept my sincere thanks ahead of time for any thoughts, advice or insights. Writing this was very therapeutic, and spares my friends and family a dose of my sadness. First post. Glad I found this place.

 

 

Edit: I tried to post this earlier, but was having trouble registering with my email account. My birthday came and went, and no contact either way. I can't say it doesn't hurt, even though I braced myself for the worst.

 

I think my ex is a very troubled girl, and I'll say a prayer for her.

[marky00]

pray u don't get contact.

 

 

it will ruin your day.

[airborne3502]

pray u don't get contact.

 

 

it will ruin your day.

 

LOL! Good one!

 

Thanks for the first genuine laugh I've had today.

 

[FoundLove]

I'm so sorry you're hurting and on your birthday of all days. All I can say is hang in there, it will get better...

 

And happy birthday!

[airborne3502]

I'm so sorry you're hurting and on your birthday of all days. All I can say is hang in there, it will get better...

 

And happy birthday!

 

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

It took a lot of "mental tucks" to get me through this past weekend. A mental tuck is what I personally call the process of taking a minute to tuck everything back in, when I feel like everything is coming apart.

[d0nnivain]

That is an awful lot of drama for a 60 day relationship. You gotta do one more of those mental tucks you talked about & put some perspective around this.

 

 

No she is not going to contact you for your birthday. You need to get her out of your head. You can't have her in there for the rest of your life. I know that is hard. I had a crush on a guy in college & we shared the same birthday. Because of that bond, I do think about him most years but it's fondly not sad.

 

 

I hope you find something to do to brighten your day today.

[airborne3502]

That is an awful lot of drama for a 60 day relationship.

 

That's what she said to me. That it was too early to be having these problems.

 

You gotta do one more of those mental tucks you talked about & put some perspective around this.

 

Trust me, I am. I'm hoping it will feel like an intense fling in a few weeks.

 

No she is not going to contact you for your birthday.

 

She didn't. I thought she might before bed, but no dice. She's a stone cold killa.

I hope you find something to do to brighten your day today.

 

Thanks!

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[angel.eyes]

I can't imagine inviting a male friend to come live with me while I'm in a (new) relationship.

 

Methinks you dodged a bullet and saved yourself a load of drama down the road. Be thankful.

 

And belated happy birthday!

[airborne3502]

I can't imagine inviting a male friend to come live with me while I'm in a (new) relationship.

 

I thought that was a pretty big ask.

 

Methinks you dodged a bullet and saved yourself a load of drama down the road. Be thankful.

 

Good point. Our exes may be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but that's what we have to tell ourselves in order to get our mind right.

 

And belated happy birthday!

 

Thank you! That certainly takes some of the sting out of yesterday...

[allybaba789]

pray u don't get contact.

 

 

it will ruin your day.

 

This is true - my ex turned up on my birthday and it totally ruined it. Cried half the day when I should have been having fun

[airborne3502]

This is true - my ex turned up on my birthday and it totally ruined it. Cried half the day when I should have been having fun

 

I am so sorry to hear that. I wish your ex would have left you alone.

[allybaba789]

I am so sorry to hear that. I wish your ex would have left you alone.

 

Me too. I always knew he was selfish but now I know he is the epitamy of self-absorbed

[marky00]

There is a time and place when a dumper may reach out to a dumpee, but it most certainly isn't on the dumpee's Bday, if the dumper has no intentions of a reconciliation.

 

 

Reason it hurts so much is because the dumpee is dealing with heartache and then all of a sudden your faced with a dumper trying to offload guilt to make themselves feel better. Basically telling the dumpee they are so worthless, that the dumper does not mind inflicting more pain so long as they feel better for pretending to be a GOOD person.

[newheart]

Airborne,

 

First, belated birthday. I am sorry that you have this hanging over your head on your birthday. As you probably figured from my thread you commented on, I too had a birthday breakup and can commiserate. It was a milestone for me (40) so I hope this doesn't hang over my head forever, lol.

 

It sounds like you, too, had a relationship with a partner who had some degree of dismissive avoidant attachment style.

 

I know you are hurting and I am in no way minimizing your feelings at all, but one thing you can be grateful for is that you found this out about her after two months rather than two years or more ... although I know it doesn't feel like a blessing right now. You cannot have a healthy, successful relationship with a person who cannot cope with any type of conflict, who can't communicate their way through it. It is possible, as you mentioned, that this was a trigger for her. Sometimes you can identify triggers and learn from it if both parties are willing - but it takes recognition of the issue and work. In my case, this happened once before to us in the fall, he recognized it (triggers, ignoring issues in an effort to protect himself, projecting onto me, etc.) and we reconciled, but nothing changed. Since part of the issue was that I can't meet needs or wants I don't know exist, we fell back into the same pattern. I wasted more of my life with someone who couldn't communicate and also couldn't connect. It was for this reason it was so easy for him to 'dismiss' me.

 

Honestly, what I have learned (as much as this hurts me to admit) is that it doesn't matter if this behavior was due to the fact that my partner was D/A with unresolved issues from childhood and a resulting inability to communicate and deal with conflict, OR if he just plain didn't love me enough to work it out!: the result is the same in that a relationship couldn't continue.

 

I know how shocking it feels to think you have this fantastic relationship which is immediately gone after one argument which seems like it could have been easily worked out with communication. It is confusing, leaves you wondering what the hell just happened and questioning what you could have done differently. But the thing is, if not now, then it probably would have happened again over something else. Who wants to be in a relationship where you can't talk things through?

 

As much as it sucked, it was better off that she maintained NC during your birthday. It probably would have led to confusion and pain. Everyone here is right when they say NC is the way to go when you need to heal ... it is one of the most difficult things to do, but it is the right thing.

 

Hang in there and keep writing!

[airborne3502]

Thanks newheart!

 

It's been nine days and no contact.

 

I have good days and bad days like everyone else here. What I want is for her to have some epiphany and see things from my point of view about why I got upset that night. She won't. She didn't that night, nor the next night when she dumped me. When her birthday rolls around, she'll think for a minute about that really nice guy she dated with the same birthday that didn't work out.

 

But the thing is, if not now, then it probably would have happened again over something else. Who wants to be in a relationship where you can't talk things through?

 

No rational person does.

 

What you said is very helpful to me because I'm working on a brief checklist of negative things about my ex that I go through when I get hung up thinking about her.

 

Remember Chesley "Sulley" Sullenberger? He's the pilot that landed his disabled plane on the Hudson River and didn't lose a single passenger.

 

Ever listen to his cockpit voice recorder?

 

He's got 155 souls on board and he's going down.

 

The whole time - calm, collected, and running through his checklist.

 

Here's what I've got so far:

 

1. Too far away. She was already having trouble coping with the distance.

 

2. On medication for depression - has relapses down the rabbit hole.

 

3. I would have had to walk on eggshells to be with her.

 

4. Selfish.

 

5. Lacks empathy.

 

6. Insecure - Personal appearance/already expressed concern about what's on my phone

 

7. Can't communicate - (newheart's contribution)

 

I'll probably add more to it later...

[hunk]

When I think about what my most recent relationship was like only 60 days in, my ex would've not even thought to ask me about having another guy stay at her house. The thought wouldn't have even entered her head.

 

Don't over analyze things like "being controlling" or "jealous" etc. These are healthy, normal (to a certain, restrained extent) masculine traits that you feel for a reason. Just don't go overboard with it. Women will test you with things like this to see how strong of a man you are, how much of a leader you are and how much you care about them, especially that early in a relationship. My ex used to ask me if she could go to parties of guy's I didn't know and I would say "sure, but I'm coming with you" and it would make her ecstatic. Sometimes I would just flat out tell her "no, you're not doing that". We've been conditioned to think this is inherently bad, but every single time I said "no" to stuff like this, and I only did it every now and then, my ex became more obsessed with me, attached to me and adored me more because it showed I gave a **** on a primal, male territorial level and that turned her on.

 

My gut would be telling me something happened between your girlfriend and this guy. They have some sort of history. I would put my money on her having at least emotional romantic feelings for him. Her attraction for you was waning because you in the first place allowed this guy to stay, you did the "right thing", but the "right thing" is a logical, male abstraction and doesn't mean anything to women. You have to make her feel and by letting another man literally sleep in her house without you there, she assumed you were weak and it just turned her off you for that entire time.

 

At some point the dynamic in this relationship fell out of wack and I think you stopped being the man you used to be, because I can tell you're a man who initially wouldn't have taken this sort of ****, but you were blinded and sedated and that's normal. There might not be any particular event that caused this, just a culmination of your gradually weakened behavior and she started feeling it. Her attraction to you gradually started fading away because of this. That, compounded with the presence of the other guy and your allowance of him to sleep in her house was enough to make her feelings for you change as she realized you might not be the type of guy she thought you were in the beginning of the relationship.

 

She will be back, you handled the breakup perfectly, but I think it'll be after she's ... well you know.

 

No more nice guy ****. Be a man. Tell her no. Make her feel wanted and that she is yours, and yes that means injecting some "controlling *******" every now and then. But you can't fake this. You have to feel it and stop feeling guilty about masculine traits like mate-guarding. You have those feelings for a reason, they're a survival mechanism.

 

You will see the recurring theme in most the relationships you observe in your life, even the ones posted about here on LS. Women pine over men who we've been conditioned by society to believe are "*******s". They only pine over these men. They will never pine or long for men that treated them like princesses. In fact it seems the worse a woman is treated, the more she misses him and goes back to him, and it's because these couples have a biological, primal attraction between eachother, that creates an emotional bond that trumps any superficial concepts of "romance" and what we think a "good boyfriend" does. It's the recurring theme, it's true in my personal experience, it's true here on LS, it's true in real life. I'm not advocating anyone intentionally treat their partner poorly or abuse them by any means. But we have to acknowledge this and realize there are some things these men are doing right to invoke such deep emotions in the women they date. And it's not via buying them flowers and telling them they love them every 2 hours.

Edited March 15, 2017 by hunk

[airborne3502]

My gut would be telling me something happened between your girlfriend and this guy. They have some sort of history. I would put my money on her having at least emotional romantic feelings for him. Her attraction for you was waning because you in the first place allowed this guy to stay, you did the "right thing", but the "right thing" is a logical, male abstraction and doesn't mean anything to women. You have to make her feel and by letting another man literally sleep in her house without you there, she assumed you were weak and it just turned her off you for that entire time.

 

The texts and pictures she was sending of herself that weekend say different. But hey, he might have been holding her hand when she broke up with me on the phone that night. Obviously, they had some sort of history or she wouldn't have let him stay overnight at her place.

 

If she wanted to bone this guy, there's nothing I could have done to stop it. Sometimes women (and men) do this thing called lying. I say no, and she spends all weekend with this mope anyway. Then she takes him back to her place for the night moves. It's even more exciting when it's forbidden. That's one of the risks of doing the long distance thing.

 

I once threatened a guy that made my girlfriend cry at work. I got banned from the restaurant and the manager promised to call the cops if I showed up again. Whatever, he quit picking on her.

 

My inner Alpha is kicking himself for saying yes to that guy crashing at her place, but if that's all it took to tank things, then so be it.

 

That makes it a great decision. Thanks for making me feel better about it.

Edited March 15, 2017 by airborne3502

[breadbin]

I agree with alot of what hunk has said. I think we are sort of conditioned to being less alpha male by media and society. My ex told me one time she was 'going up town to get a young buck' I said 'what?' she said 'you probably wouldn't even mind'. I can see now why she said that. She told me that she didn't feel loved. I couldn't understand it because I wrote songs for her that made her cry, I wrote poetry and we had such a good time. But I'm still that guy who would have let her stay with a male friend. I would have been upset and jealous but I thought to show that would be a sign of weakness! The opposite in fact. If I was in your situation I would have thought it showed alot of trust. It's so confusing. It's never black and white. The only reliable thing to do is be yourself because every relationship is different. Some women want caveman some would run a mile.

 

Oh and I don't think it's a good idea to be writing a list about your ex. Bad or not it shows you are still thinking about her. You need to stop thinking about her. Distract yourself. You miss her because you think of her. If you want to write a list, make one of the qualities of you want in your next girlfriend.

[airborne3502]

Oh and I don't think it's a good idea to be writing a list about your ex. Bad or not it shows you are still thinking about her. You need to stop thinking about her. Distract yourself. You miss her because you think of her. If you want to write a list, make one of the qualities of you want in your next girlfriend.

 

Damn.

 

That's great advice.

 

Thank you.

[Blanco]

Oh and I don't think it's a good idea to be writing a list about your ex. Bad or not it shows you are still thinking about her. You need to stop thinking about her. Distract yourself. You miss her because you think of her. If you want to write a list, make one of the qualities of you want in your next girlfriend.

 

Disagree. He's got to own his feelings and process them now. Stuffing them down and trying to distract himself from thinking about her only means he's probably going to have unresolved issues lingering. Better to get this stuff out and processed so he can genuinely move on, rather than faking it until he makes it.

 

In doing so, he'll not only process what's going on, but he'll likely get a less idealized vision of his ex, along with probably identifying potential red flags he missed/ignored that he can be aware of for his next relationship.

[hunk]

By attraction I don't just mean the physical superficial sending nudes or even having sex. I mean the primal attraction that is a blend of respect and a tiny bit of fear. You know what I mean. Where she is so invested and attracted to you that the idea of even doing things to upset you or lose you is alien to her. That's real attraction and it's what keeps relationships going, sadly it's extremely rare these days and often very temporary and fleeting.

 

That being said, women and men are opportunistic. Women more so. She could sleep with you and sleep with this other guy in the exact same day if there is no fundamental respect or fear of you as a man with options outside of her in her mind, no matter how physically attracted to you she seemed when you guys were banging.

[airborne3502]

She will be back, you handled the breakup perfectly, but I think it'll be after she's ... well you know.

 

 

I've got a strict policy:

 

The last D has to be mine...

[airborne3502]

I had a female coworker translate some of the things my ex-girlfriend said to me during our breakup.

 

"My feelings have changed."

 

Translation - No, they haven't in less than 24 hours, she's upset.

 

"It's too early to be having these problems."

 

Translation - It's too early to for me to be feeling this way, and I'm scared.

 

It was a new relationship (couple months) in the euphoric stage. We had our first argument and she bailed. It tanked both our birthdays and a trip we had planned to celebrate them. (same day b-day)

 

After the breakup, my coworker asked me several times if I'd called my ex. I was like, "Why?"

 

Her reply: Because she expects you to chase her, and show her that you care.

 

Hmmmm, I thought.

 

Then I realized something: Every guy I've ever known pursued his ex after a breakup: Phone calls, cards, flowers, you name it. Most of them couldn't go a day with no contact before they cracked. One guy pursued his ex for over a year. One couldn't make it through dinner when she left a breakup note on his car. My coworker mentioned that she's broken up with several guys, and most were calling back the same night!

 

Not me: No matter how much it hurt, I never pursued an ex. I was "no contact" before it was cool.

 

If that chick don't want to know, forget her.

 

Incidentally, every one of my exes has contacted me at some point. Usually, a hot mess. It's possible this one won't be back - there's a first time for everything.

 

Anyway, it got me thinking about this question:

 

Is breaking up to a girl not really breaking up? Is it just a cry for help like an attempted suicide?

 

I'm aware there are some girls that are out the door for good reasons, but have women been conditioned to deploy this tactic for attention because guys so readily throw themselves at their feet?

Edited March 16, 2017 by airborne3502

[Whodatdog]

You know, sometimes people say what they mean. If she says, her feelings have changed, then likely they have. I dont agree with your friends "translation". No where is it said feelings have to change in less than 24 hours. She was with this other guy for several days, a lot can happen in that time.

 

If she says "Its too early to have these problems", then maybe thats exactly what she means.

 

If a girl tells you these things, believe her. If she leaves, let her leave. If she changes her mind and comes back, then have the discussion. But Ive never believed in chasing when someone leaves of their own free will.

 

Another thing I will add, which I was reminded of from another post. Nice guys dont finish last, and women arent attracted to "bad boys" necessarily. I think they are attracted to men that act like men. I think its very important for people to respect each other, and you cant respect someone who allows themselves to be treated like a doormat, who grovels and begs to come back. Its self respect. Has nothing to do about how you feel about that other person, that you miss them terribly. But if you dont have respect for yourself, you can't expect anyone else to either. People have to have consequences for their actions, and thats part of whats wrong with the world today. You can love and miss this girl terribly, but she didnt treat you with any respect. Im sure you wouldnt have done to her what she did to you.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Whodatdog

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman too, but I very much disagree with you're friend's interpretation. It sounds more like your friend was trying to tell you what you hope to hear, rather than what your ex actually means.

 

Unless your ex is a very immature drama Queen, she didn't break up with you just to get your attention. She likely had been thinking about ending it before she actually did, and thus her feelings indeed didn't change overnight. They probably were already changing before you realized it.

 

It would be much better to take your ex at her word. I'm sure your friend had good intentions but she can't speak for you ex. I would assume instead that your ex sincerely doesn't want to continue the relationship, so that you can accept the decision and begin to move on.