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Ex Keeps Contacting Me, Why??


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Hey everyone! Found this forum yesterday and found it really helpful!! Didn't know whether to post this here or the ldr section. I'll try to keep it short but don't want to leave anything out.

 

Okay so I'm 19 and was dating a girl online who lives in Sweden for 6 months. Those 6 months were basically perfect and we always talked about getting married and all that lovey dovey stuff. Although we never met physically we talked otp, FaceTimed and texted all day.

 

Then out of nowhere in the beginning of February she tells me she thinks she's falling for someone else. That was probably the worst day of my life tbh. I was crushed but we tried to make it work and everything went back to normal. About 3-4 days later again out of nowhere she breaks up with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. Her reason was only the distance was too much which I can understand. She wanted to stay friends but I was still in love so we stopped talking for about 5 days and I stupidly texted her and found out she's already dating that guy. Made the process of moving on way harder.

 

The last month we've been on and off friends if that makes sense. I've done NC 3 times but the longest lasted a week due to either me or her ultimately ending up contacting each other. It's just so confusing since she's said she still misses "us" and if we lived close then she'd be dating me not him. Just this Friday I told her give me a few weeks alone to lose my feelings and we'll be friends again. She agrees and then the next day she ends up texting me and was somewhat flirty. She even complained about her bf to me. One moment she's sweet and flirty and the next she'll send one word responses.

 

As of about 30 mins ago I told her the same thing again to give me some time alone so we're not talking as of now. I'm just so confused. Why does she keep contacting me and what if she does it again this time? I cant lie so I'll admit I still 100% want to be with her and eventually marry her but it's too hard to stay friends. Any advice? Sorry it was so long but thanks in advance!!

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Hey everyone! Found this forum yesterday and found it really helpful!! Didn't know whether to post this here or the ldr section. I'll try to keep it short but don't want to leave anything out.

 

Okay so I'm 19 and was dating a girl online who lives in Sweden for 6 months. Those 6 months were basically perfect and we always talked about getting married and all that lovey dovey stuff. Although we never met physically we talked otp, FaceTimed and texted all day.

 

Then out of nowhere in the beginning of February she tells me she thinks she's falling for someone else. That was probably the worst day of my life tbh. I was crushed but we tried to make it work and everything went back to normal. About 3-4 days later again out of nowhere she breaks up with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. Her reason was only the distance was too much which I can understand. She wanted to stay friends but I was still in love so we stopped talking for about 5 days and I stupidly texted her and found out she's already dating that guy. Made the process of moving on way harder.

 

The last month we've been on and off friends if that makes sense. I've done NC 3 times but the longest lasted a week due to either me or her ultimately ending up contacting each other. It's just so confusing since she's said she still misses "us" and if we lived close then she'd be dating me not him. Just this Friday I told her give me a few weeks alone to lose my feelings and we'll be friends again. She agrees and then the next day she ends up texting me and was somewhat flirty. She even complained about her bf to me. One moment she's sweet and flirty and the next she'll send one word responses.

 

As of about 30 mins ago I told her the same thing again to give me some time alone so we're not talking as of now. I'm just so confused. Why does she keep contacting me and what if she does it again this time? I cant lie so I'll admit I still 100% want to be with her and eventually marry her but it's too hard to stay friends. Any advice? Sorry it was so long but thanks in advance!!

 

Bro, you have to be honest with yourself. Either one of you move closer to each other or you straight up block her if she csnt respect your decision. You guys are seriously wasting each other's time. Really not much to think about. LDRs are very, very difficult and rarely pan out, especially at your young age. Bro, go out and date girls that are local. Don't get caught up with someone who is thousands and thousands of miles away. Dam, that's torture if you ask me. Anyways, you live and learn bro, you live and learn.

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It's easy to build an image in your mind and magnify your connection with an online persona. I'm not going to minimize your feelings but you need to be realistic.

 

Marrying someone you do not know and have only communicated through gadgets is fantasy making.

 

She contacts you because you're familiar and it's comfortable. I'm sure she is attached in some way and still likes the contact as I am sure she gets an ego boost with the attention you give her. Plus, it's also a fallback method when she doesn't have much going on over on her side.

 

If this is causing you pain, cut the contact. You can't keep questioning her motives. Pay attention to how you feel and focus on self-preservation. All you're doing now is giving her the knife and welcoming her to stab you.

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Thanks for the responses everyone! Torture is a word I've used to describe the last month many times tbh. This is just my first relationship where I actually thought it could workout even with the distance. It does hurt to stay friends but there's a million what ifs that are going through my head. Maybe over time I'll start to realize what's happening. I've never had an ex do this so I have no idea what she's doing here tbh. Feels like mind games or she wants me as a backup plan. But as of now I don't plan on ever contacting her so at least that's something I can be proud of!! Plus if we were to ever meet it would have to be in a few years so don't know if it's worth it.

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I met a girl online. Same story. Though I'm 26M and she's 22F. Painted a picture perfect fantasy. Met her in person and a huge red flag appeared.

 

It's easy to paint someone online as perfect because you do not see the flaws.

 

As people said here, it's leash pulling. You are plan B. Also with her attitude and saying the "distance doesn't work" do you trust her enough that she wouldn't be cheating? Out of sight out of mind. Long distance relationships are very difficult to work. You need to have Time, Money, and Commitment. No matter how hard you try, she doesn't have the commitment and that's something she can only change.

 

I am sorry. I know it's very, very difficult to hear. But block her and erase her. It gets MUCH easier when you don't know anything about her. Besides, with LDR where you haven't met or haven't met more than once, you have no idea how they are in real life. They may seem perfect in an online persona, but then you learn red flags when you meet in the flesh. My ex has PTSD and I became a trigger. That's how easy it is to hide stuff online.

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Your inability to stay NC will just prolong your limbo.

 

At this point it's self inflicted.

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Thanks for all the help everyone! Every response truly helps a lot so I appreciate it. :)

 

As far as the NC, the last few times I've gone NC she's been the one to end up texting me. Never been through this so I assume if she does this then that must mean she still must have some feelings for me. Is this the wrong way to look at this? Like most of you've said it could just be im her backup plan but these mind games confuse the hell out of me

 

Also I don't plan on breaking NC ever, only way is if she contacts me but I definitely am planning on we might never talk again. Which sucks but it has to be done.

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As far as the NC, the last few times I've gone NC she's been the one to end up texting me. Never been through this so I assume if she does this then that must mean she still must have some feelings for me. Is this the wrong way to look at this? Like most of you've said it could just be im her backup plan but these mind games confuse the hell out of me

 

It's not her responsibility to respect your NC. You're responsible for it. She contacts you because you are a fallback. It's easy access for a bit of attention. That's all it is.

 

Also I don't plan on breaking NC ever, only way is if she contacts me but I definitely am planning on we might never talk again. Which sucks but it has to be done.

 

Then there is no point in NC. NC is a tool to protect yourself and to allow yourself to heal. Anything other than that is just you staying in limbo and allowing someone to keep on hurting you.

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She doesnt want you to move on emotionally from her. It really is that simple.

 

NC for few days and then contact again? You try to move on during those days but feelings resurface when contact is made. Instead of moving on , the emotional bond doesnt break. Thats why NC is important, to move on. Out of sight, out of mind.

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It's not her responsibility to respect your NC. You're responsible for it. She contacts you because you are a fallback. It's easy access for a bit of attention. That's all it is.

 

 

 

Then there is no point in NC. NC is a tool to protect yourself and to allow yourself to heal. Anything other than that is just you staying in limbo and allowing someone to keep on hurting you.

 

I completely understand this! My question is though if ultimately my future goal is to one day be with her again, wouldn't it be counterproductive to ignore her when she contacts me? I definitely wouldn't do it unless I felt ready.

 

She doesnt want you to move on emotionally from her. It really is that simple.

 

NC for few days and then contact again? You try to move on during those days but feelings resurface when contact is made. Instead of moving on , the emotional bond doesnt break. Thats why NC is important, to move on. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Thanks for this! My question would be why doesn't she want me to move on?? If she broke up with me why would she care about how I feel? This confuses me so much :lmao: If it means anything when I went NC for 5 days I rarely ever thought about her and became sad. Would still think about her a lot but didn't seem to affect me so I know it doesn't take me long, if that means anything.

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I completely understand this! My question is though if ultimately my future goal is to one day be with her again, wouldn't it be counterproductive to ignore her when she contacts me? I definitely wouldn't do it unless I felt ready.

 

No, you don't understand it.

 

There is no future goal. What matters is focusing on the truth of what's happening now. She does not want to be with you. You take that as her decision and you move on. You work with what you have now. Not fantasizing about what could happen, if it could happen, etc. If you stay in this line of thought, you're going to be hurt over and over again. When and if she decides to be with you, which I highly doubt based on your circumstances, she will present that to you. But staying around for crumbs hoping it'll turn into a loaf is just self-inflicted torture.

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She even complained about her bf to me. One moment she's sweet and flirty and the next she'll send one word responses

 

It's right there. You're the emotional tampon. Someone she can lean on when she needs some sort of attention. She's sweet and flirty when she and bf are having issues. She's on one word responses when she's happy with bf.

 

It's very simple. You're just choosing not to see it because you're afraid to face your truth.

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No, you don't understand it.

 

There is no future goal. What matters is focusing on the truth of what's happening now. She does not want to be with you. You take that as her decision and you move on. You work with what you have now. Not fantasizing about what could happen, if it could happen, etc. If you stay in this line of thought, you're going to be hurt over and over again. When and if she decides to be with you, which I highly doubt based on your circumstances, she will present that to you. But staying around for crumbs hoping it'll turn into a loaf is just self-inflicted torture.

 

It's right there. You're the emotional tampon. Someone she can lean on when she needs some sort of attention. She's sweet and flirty when she and bf are having issues. She's on one word responses when she's happy with bf.

 

It's very simple. You're just choosing not to see it because you're afraid to face your truth.

 

Well reading both of those hurt a little I'll admit but really appreciate the honest opinions! :laugh:

 

I know it's hasn't even been 2 full days since we stopped talking the last few hours have been pretty rough on me. A lot of "what ifs" and worrying about if she'll ever contact me again going through my mind. Maybe a dumb thing to say but if we were to ever meet in person I'm convinced we'd start to date again without a doubt. (She's basically told me that) Only issue is who the hell knows if she'll ever come to America. We're both teenagers so maybe this was just puppy love idk haha. Just needed to vent this out thanks again everyone!

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Well reading both of those hurt a little I'll admit but really appreciate the honest opinions! :laugh:

 

I know it's hasn't even been 2 full days since we stopped talking the last few hours have been pretty rough on me. A lot of "what ifs" and worrying about if she'll ever contact me again going through my mind. Maybe a dumb thing to say but if we were to ever meet in person I'm convinced we'd start to date again without a doubt. (She's basically told me that) Only issue is who the hell knows if she'll ever come to America. We're both teenagers so maybe this was just puppy love idk haha. Just needed to vent this out thanks again everyone!

 

Yes, because everything she says is gospel. Just as you're convinced it's best to stay in contact with someone that is treating you poorly.

 

Go out and meet other girls. Try to widen your scope.

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Yes, because everything she says is gospel. Just as you're convinced it's best to stay in contact with someone that is treating you poorly.

 

Go out and meet other girls. Try to widen your scope.

 

Appreciate this! I've always been a shy person so my social life is basically nonexistent and going to sound sad but I've never had a good female friend. I'm sure that's a big reason why I get so attached in my relationships. I'm starting my job today so hoping that will lead to new friendships and I can finally forget about this girl.

 

Quick question, say in a few weeks or whenever if she decides to contact me, do I just ignore it?

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Appreciate this! I've always been a shy person so my social life is basically nonexistent and going to sound sad but I've never had a good female friend. I'm sure that's a big reason why I get so attached in my relationships. I'm starting my job today so hoping that will lead to new friendships and I can finally forget about this girl.

 

Quick question, say in a few weeks or whenever if she decides to contact me, do I just ignore it?

 

Well, don't worry about having a good female friend. Just go out and meet people. Try a few meetups in your area -- focusing on activities you like doing. Get into volunteering. There's so many causes out there and it's bound to get you connected with all kinds of people. It can help you slowly get comfortable with opening yourself up to others.

 

Yes, you ignore it. Infact you should block her. When everyone here is telling you that she is just yanking your chain, please listen to us. We've all been there. I've been there quite a number of times so from experience, and for your sake, cut her loose.

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At her age, she is going to meet new guys all the time and take an interest. The long-distance thing is always a big obstacle, but really it's her age (and probably yours too) that makes it inevitable you both end up seeing other people and exploring a bit.

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Well, don't worry about having a good female friend. Just go out and meet people. Try a few meetups in your area -- focusing on activities you like doing. Get into volunteering. There's so many causes out there and it's bound to get you connected with all kinds of people. It can help you slowly get comfortable with opening yourself up to others.

 

Yes, you ignore it. Infact you should block her. When everyone here is telling you that she is just yanking your chain, please listen to us. We've all been there. I've been there quite a number of times so from experience, and for your sake, cut her loose.

 

Oh man that's what I was afraid of. I don't think I've ever blocked anyone before. Hard to believe she could've changed this fast but she definitely did. Just need to stop holding out hope that we can be together one day but man that feels impossible right now. Appreciate all of your responses thank you!

 

At her age, she is going to meet new guys all the time and take an interest. The long-distance thing is always a big obstacle, but really it's her age (and probably yours too) that makes it inevitable you both end up seeing other people and exploring a bit.

 

I realize all of that now haha. Don't know many teenage couples who move as fast as we did and to add the distance to the equation. Still stings as of now.

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Hey everyone not really an important update but feel like venting would help me feel better.

 

Yesterday was a great day, one of the best I've had in awhile. Didn't think about her too much and when I did it didn't bother me too much. Today has been up and down. Been working the last few hours and can't get my mind off of her and it's really bringing me on the verge of tears. Haven't blocked her yet and it's only been like 4 days since I went NC so hoping a little more time will help.

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Hello everyone just really need some input on my situation.

 

Quick Summary - Dated an amazing girl online for 6 months. Never got to meet but called/video chatted and texted 24/7. Didn't notice at the time but our relationship went way too fast. Few months and we were talking about marriage and kids (did I mention we're both teenagers?) Last month she broke up w me because of the distance and a few days later starts dating someone else she can physically be with which I can understand. Stayed friends on & off but I definitely wasn't ready so I went NC and each time she ended up texting me and I went back to square one.

 

Been a week since we've texted and although I'm feeling much much better about it (can listen to love songs and don't cry about it anymore) in the back of my mind I'd just hate to just give up on this and I'll admit eventually I still want to be with her. She basically left me with some hope of one day dating again. I want to text her but she probably still has the bf so I would have to be patient basically.

 

Main Dilemma Since we live so far apart if we were to ever meet which would probably be my only way of dating her again it would most likely take 3-5 years. Crazy I know to kinda wait that amount of time but having trouble deciding if it's even worth it especially since it's not a guarantee. I'm thinking I jus stay NC and wait for her to contact me (if she ever does) since that would show she has at least some interest.

 

Any thoughts? Sorry if the story was a little confusing but appreciate any input! Thanks

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Stay NC. Start dating (she certainly is!). No sense in hanging on to this, as the distance factor wouldn't change for years, if ever. You state you are teenagers so you will have changed a lot in 3-4 years' time. Start dating locally.

 

EDIT: Just read your other thread and see I haven't said anything that's not already been said... :/

 

America <-----> Sweden? You really should let this go.

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Stay NC. Start dating (she certainly is!). No sense in hanging on to this, as the distance factor wouldn't change for years, if ever. You state you are teenagers so you will have changed a lot in 3-4 years' time. Start dating locally.

 

EDIT: Just read your other thread and see I haven't said anything that's not already been said... :/

 

America <-----> Sweden? You really should let this go.

 

Thank you for responding :)

 

Yea sorry I didn't know whether to post in my other thread but that one was kinda on how to get over the breakup and I feel like I'm over it for the most part this was mainly on if I should contact her.

 

Thank you again though! Really just needed more assurance on why I should let this go so you helped me a lot!

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Another update...

 

Not that I'm shocked but she contacted me earlier today. It's been about 10 days since we last texted so I'm not going too crazy with her text. All she sent was a 3 second video of her shooting a basketball with a funny little caption.

 

Haven't responded yet so that's a plus. I know the majority are going to say ignore it but idk that seems hard for me to do. I'm sure this is what most would call breadcrumbs but is there like anything I can respond to this??

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Another update...

 

Not that I'm shocked but she contacted me earlier today. It's been about 10 days since we last texted so I'm not going too crazy with her text. All she sent was a 3 second video of her shooting a basketball with a funny little caption.

 

Haven't responded yet so that's a plus. I know the majority are going to say ignore it but idk that seems hard for me to do. I'm sure this is what most would call breadcrumbs but is there like anything I can respond to this??

 

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.

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Morning everyone! Hate to bring this topic up again but kinda going crazy on what I should do here :o

 

Decided to respond and we've been lightly texting the last few days nothing serious. Even though I was feeling great during NC I cant deny I still one day want to date her. I understand what everyone will say about the distance. Seems from what I've gotten in videos and random articles the best way to get an ex back is to just tell them to contact me if you ever change your mind and want to try dating again and being their friend is actually the worst you can do.

 

But all those videos/articles were for real life situations and don't know what to do with this one. I'm almost positive her physical attraction for me is there but have no clue if she'll put me in the friendzone.

 

So even though I know most will say forget about her due to the distance and age, what would be the best way to I guess one day get her to want to date me again?

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