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Ex Keeps Contacting Me, Why??


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Old 6th March 2017, 2:54 PM   #1
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Ex Keeps Contacting Me, Why??

Hey everyone! Found this forum yesterday and found it really helpful!! Didn't know whether to post this here or the ldr section. I'll try to keep it short but don't want to leave anything out.

Okay so I'm 19 and was dating a girl online who lives in Sweden for 6 months. Those 6 months were basically perfect and we always talked about getting married and all that lovey dovey stuff. Although we never met physically we talked otp, FaceTimed and texted all day.

Then out of nowhere in the beginning of February she tells me she thinks she's falling for someone else. That was probably the worst day of my life tbh. I was crushed but we tried to make it work and everything went back to normal. About 3-4 days later again out of nowhere she breaks up with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. Her reason was only the distance was too much which I can understand. She wanted to stay friends but I was still in love so we stopped talking for about 5 days and I stupidly texted her and found out she's already dating that guy. Made the process of moving on way harder.

The last month we've been on and off friends if that makes sense. I've done NC 3 times but the longest lasted a week due to either me or her ultimately ending up contacting each other. It's just so confusing since she's said she still misses "us" and if we lived close then she'd be dating me not him. Just this Friday I told her give me a few weeks alone to lose my feelings and we'll be friends again. She agrees and then the next day she ends up texting me and was somewhat flirty. She even complained about her bf to me. One moment she's sweet and flirty and the next she'll send one word responses.

As of about 30 mins ago I told her the same thing again to give me some time alone so we're not talking as of now. I'm just so confused. Why does she keep contacting me and what if she does it again this time? I cant lie so I'll admit I still 100% want to be with her and eventually marry her but it's too hard to stay friends. Any advice? Sorry it was so long but thanks in advance!!
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Old 6th March 2017, 3:04 PM   #2
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Hey everyone! Found this forum yesterday and found it really helpful!! Didn't know whether to post this here or the ldr section. I'll try to keep it short but don't want to leave anything out.

Okay so I'm 19 and was dating a girl online who lives in Sweden for 6 months. Those 6 months were basically perfect and we always talked about getting married and all that lovey dovey stuff. Although we never met physically we talked otp, FaceTimed and texted all day.

Then out of nowhere in the beginning of February she tells me she thinks she's falling for someone else. That was probably the worst day of my life tbh. I was crushed but we tried to make it work and everything went back to normal. About 3-4 days later again out of nowhere she breaks up with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. Her reason was only the distance was too much which I can understand. She wanted to stay friends but I was still in love so we stopped talking for about 5 days and I stupidly texted her and found out she's already dating that guy. Made the process of moving on way harder.

The last month we've been on and off friends if that makes sense. I've done NC 3 times but the longest lasted a week due to either me or her ultimately ending up contacting each other. It's just so confusing since she's said she still misses "us" and if we lived close then she'd be dating me not him. Just this Friday I told her give me a few weeks alone to lose my feelings and we'll be friends again. She agrees and then the next day she ends up texting me and was somewhat flirty. She even complained about her bf to me. One moment she's sweet and flirty and the next she'll send one word responses.

As of about 30 mins ago I told her the same thing again to give me some time alone so we're not talking as of now. I'm just so confused. Why does she keep contacting me and what if she does it again this time? I cant lie so I'll admit I still 100% want to be with her and eventually marry her but it's too hard to stay friends. Any advice? Sorry it was so long but thanks in advance!!
Bro, you have to be honest with yourself. Either one of you move closer to each other or you straight up block her if she csnt respect your decision. You guys are seriously wasting each other's time. Really not much to think about. LDRs are very, very difficult and rarely pan out, especially at your young age. Bro, go out and date girls that are local. Don't get caught up with someone who is thousands and thousands of miles away. Dam, that's torture if you ask me. Anyways, you live and learn bro, you live and learn.
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Old 6th March 2017, 3:07 PM   #3
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It's easy to build an image in your mind and magnify your connection with an online persona. I'm not going to minimize your feelings but you need to be realistic.

Marrying someone you do not know and have only communicated through gadgets is fantasy making.

She contacts you because you're familiar and it's comfortable. I'm sure she is attached in some way and still likes the contact as I am sure she gets an ego boost with the attention you give her. Plus, it's also a fallback method when she doesn't have much going on over on her side.

If this is causing you pain, cut the contact. You can't keep questioning her motives. Pay attention to how you feel and focus on self-preservation. All you're doing now is giving her the knife and welcoming her to stab you.
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Old 6th March 2017, 3:16 PM   #4
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Thanks for the responses everyone! Torture is a word I've used to describe the last month many times tbh. This is just my first relationship where I actually thought it could workout even with the distance. It does hurt to stay friends but there's a million what ifs that are going through my head. Maybe over time I'll start to realize what's happening. I've never had an ex do this so I have no idea what she's doing here tbh. Feels like mind games or she wants me as a backup plan. But as of now I don't plan on ever contacting her so at least that's something I can be proud of!! Plus if we were to ever meet it would have to be in a few years so don't know if it's worth it.
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Old 6th March 2017, 11:53 PM   #5
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I met a girl online. Same story. Though I'm 26M and she's 22F. Painted a picture perfect fantasy. Met her in person and a huge red flag appeared.

It's easy to paint someone online as perfect because you do not see the flaws.

As people said here, it's leash pulling. You are plan B. Also with her attitude and saying the "distance doesn't work" do you trust her enough that she wouldn't be cheating? Out of sight out of mind. Long distance relationships are very difficult to work. You need to have Time, Money, and Commitment. No matter how hard you try, she doesn't have the commitment and that's something she can only change.

I am sorry. I know it's very, very difficult to hear. But block her and erase her. It gets MUCH easier when you don't know anything about her. Besides, with LDR where you haven't met or haven't met more than once, you have no idea how they are in real life. They may seem perfect in an online persona, but then you learn red flags when you meet in the flesh. My ex has PTSD and I became a trigger. That's how easy it is to hide stuff online.
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Old 7th March 2017, 12:03 AM   #6
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Your inability to stay NC will just prolong your limbo.

At this point it's self inflicted.
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Old 7th March 2017, 12:45 PM   #7
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Thanks for all the help everyone! Every response truly helps a lot so I appreciate it.

As far as the NC, the last few times I've gone NC she's been the one to end up texting me. Never been through this so I assume if she does this then that must mean she still must have some feelings for me. Is this the wrong way to look at this? Like most of you've said it could just be im her backup plan but these mind games confuse the hell out of me

Also I don't plan on breaking NC ever, only way is if she contacts me but I definitely am planning on we might never talk again. Which sucks but it has to be done.
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Old 7th March 2017, 2:13 PM   #8
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As far as the NC, the last few times I've gone NC she's been the one to end up texting me. Never been through this so I assume if she does this then that must mean she still must have some feelings for me. Is this the wrong way to look at this? Like most of you've said it could just be im her backup plan but these mind games confuse the hell out of me
It's not her responsibility to respect your NC. You're responsible for it. She contacts you because you are a fallback. It's easy access for a bit of attention. That's all it is.

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Also I don't plan on breaking NC ever, only way is if she contacts me but I definitely am planning on we might never talk again. Which sucks but it has to be done.
Then there is no point in NC. NC is a tool to protect yourself and to allow yourself to heal. Anything other than that is just you staying in limbo and allowing someone to keep on hurting you.
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Old 7th March 2017, 2:20 PM   #9
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She doesnt want you to move on emotionally from her. It really is that simple.

NC for few days and then contact again? You try to move on during those days but feelings resurface when contact is made. Instead of moving on , the emotional bond doesnt break. Thats why NC is important, to move on. Out of sight, out of mind.
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:23 PM   #10
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It's not her responsibility to respect your NC. You're responsible for it. She contacts you because you are a fallback. It's easy access for a bit of attention. That's all it is.



Then there is no point in NC. NC is a tool to protect yourself and to allow yourself to heal. Anything other than that is just you staying in limbo and allowing someone to keep on hurting you.
I completely understand this! My question is though if ultimately my future goal is to one day be with her again, wouldn't it be counterproductive to ignore her when she contacts me? I definitely wouldn't do it unless I felt ready.

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She doesnt want you to move on emotionally from her. It really is that simple.

NC for few days and then contact again? You try to move on during those days but feelings resurface when contact is made. Instead of moving on , the emotional bond doesnt break. Thats why NC is important, to move on. Out of sight, out of mind.
Thanks for this! My question would be why doesn't she want me to move on?? If she broke up with me why would she care about how I feel? This confuses me so much If it means anything when I went NC for 5 days I rarely ever thought about her and became sad. Would still think about her a lot but didn't seem to affect me so I know it doesn't take me long, if that means anything.
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:43 PM   #11
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I completely understand this! My question is though if ultimately my future goal is to one day be with her again, wouldn't it be counterproductive to ignore her when she contacts me? I definitely wouldn't do it unless I felt ready.
No, you don't understand it.

There is no future goal. What matters is focusing on the truth of what's happening now. She does not want to be with you. You take that as her decision and you move on. You work with what you have now. Not fantasizing about what could happen, if it could happen, etc. If you stay in this line of thought, you're going to be hurt over and over again. When and if she decides to be with you, which I highly doubt based on your circumstances, she will present that to you. But staying around for crumbs hoping it'll turn into a loaf is just self-inflicted torture.
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:46 PM   #12
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She even complained about her bf to me. One moment she's sweet and flirty and the next she'll send one word responses
It's right there. You're the emotional tampon. Someone she can lean on when she needs some sort of attention. She's sweet and flirty when she and bf are having issues. She's on one word responses when she's happy with bf.

It's very simple. You're just choosing not to see it because you're afraid to face your truth.
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Old 8th March 2017, 12:21 PM   #13
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No, you don't understand it.

There is no future goal. What matters is focusing on the truth of what's happening now. She does not want to be with you. You take that as her decision and you move on. You work with what you have now. Not fantasizing about what could happen, if it could happen, etc. If you stay in this line of thought, you're going to be hurt over and over again. When and if she decides to be with you, which I highly doubt based on your circumstances, she will present that to you. But staying around for crumbs hoping it'll turn into a loaf is just self-inflicted torture.
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It's right there. You're the emotional tampon. Someone she can lean on when she needs some sort of attention. She's sweet and flirty when she and bf are having issues. She's on one word responses when she's happy with bf.

It's very simple. You're just choosing not to see it because you're afraid to face your truth.
Well reading both of those hurt a little I'll admit but really appreciate the honest opinions!

I know it's hasn't even been 2 full days since we stopped talking the last few hours have been pretty rough on me. A lot of "what ifs" and worrying about if she'll ever contact me again going through my mind. Maybe a dumb thing to say but if we were to ever meet in person I'm convinced we'd start to date again without a doubt. (She's basically told me that) Only issue is who the hell knows if she'll ever come to America. We're both teenagers so maybe this was just puppy love idk haha. Just needed to vent this out thanks again everyone!
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Old 8th March 2017, 12:31 PM   #14
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Well reading both of those hurt a little I'll admit but really appreciate the honest opinions!

I know it's hasn't even been 2 full days since we stopped talking the last few hours have been pretty rough on me. A lot of "what ifs" and worrying about if she'll ever contact me again going through my mind. Maybe a dumb thing to say but if we were to ever meet in person I'm convinced we'd start to date again without a doubt. (She's basically told me that) Only issue is who the hell knows if she'll ever come to America. We're both teenagers so maybe this was just puppy love idk haha. Just needed to vent this out thanks again everyone!
Yes, because everything she says is gospel. Just as you're convinced it's best to stay in contact with someone that is treating you poorly.

Go out and meet other girls. Try to widen your scope.
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Old 8th March 2017, 1:55 PM   #15
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Yes, because everything she says is gospel. Just as you're convinced it's best to stay in contact with someone that is treating you poorly.

Go out and meet other girls. Try to widen your scope.
Appreciate this! I've always been a shy person so my social life is basically nonexistent and going to sound sad but I've never had a good female friend. I'm sure that's a big reason why I get so attached in my relationships. I'm starting my job today so hoping that will lead to new friendships and I can finally forget about this girl.

Quick question, say in a few weeks or whenever if she decides to contact me, do I just ignore it?
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