Best way to move on from a breakup?

[ReMaKe]

Hello love shack! I recently broke up with my girl, and this one is stinging me a lot! It's a long story, but I'll make it as short as I can, even though that seems impossible. There will be a tl:dr question in the bottom. In advance I really appreciate any input and help offered.

 

The relationship was one of those that like many others start off amazing! We were together for about a year (Well technically our one year anniversary was a month and a half away) , and everything has always been pretty good; however, one thing that I should've seen as a red flag, but let it go was the fact that even though we didn't fight much, when we did, she couldn't handle it and immediately start questioning the relationship.

 

For example, we can be perfect for three months straight, and then we have one argument that gets heated, and she'll get really upset, sentimental, and start doubting if we should be together. This happened about 6-7 times throughout the whole year. It came to a point where I started losing interest, losing interest not in her, but in the relationship, and fearing my relationship due to always having this feeling in the back of my head that any time we fight, it could possibly end. Imagine marrying someone like that and always thinking, okay if today we disagree, and an argument ensues is divorce around the corner?

 

So a few months ago, I sat down and talked about it with her, and told her, "I value your friendship ( I do considering she became my best friend) and would love your friendship more than your relationship." She convinced me that she's been dealing with stuff, and that she says those things in a way to get reassured that I want this as much as she does.

 

Fast forward to last week, she spent a whole week in my house ( should've mentioned this is a long distance relationship) and the whole trip was pretty ****ing good except for once again, an argument. A heated one. A very silly one. Once again the topic came up, and deep down even though I fixed things at the moment, it stung and this time that pain wouldn't leave, so I waited a few days to see how I feel, at this time she's back home. I talked to her and told her we need some space. She initially didn't want, but then she agreed; however, she said if it's space or a break there's no coming back. I said, I don't close doors, so if it's meant to be and we are to reunite once again, I wouldn't be opposed to that if it's meant to be; however, I truly value your friendship, and that's what I would want instead. She disagreed and said we can't stay friends, but later said after some space maybe we can be friends, which I can agree with that. I've never been friends with an ex, so I don't know how that feels, but like I said she was truly an amazing person, and her friendship is something I cherished. Doesn't mean we have to talk everyday like we did, nor call each other, just every once in a while, every few months, a simple "Hey, how's life"; however, after something that happened yesterday with her mom I just don't know anymore, which I'll explain more below.

 

Okay. Here's one of the things really affecting me. This was a good relationship. So the breakup is a breakup in which you really love the person, and want to be with the person, but just know that deep down, our personalities, and our mental toughness are on two different levels. So essentially you're breaking up with someone who you're still very much in love with. Unlike my ex before her, who I was really in love with, and I lasted three years with, but that one was easy to move on from considering how bad the breakup was, I used the anger of the bad breakup to move on.

 

Another thing really affecting me is, since it was long distance, we always told each other that it is cowardly to end things through text and or a phone call. That because it's long distance that we would promise each other to see each other and end it in person. That followed by the fact that I had booked a flight to go visit in a few weeks is where things really start to take a toll.

 

Yesterday for some reason, her mom called me, and started telling me a lot of stuff that I believe she had no business doing so. One of those things is, "I am going to forbid my daughter from leaving this house, and going to see you, or talk to you even if she wants to." Which now puts me in the predicament of do I just lose the money? Do I still go?

 

Last thing affecting me and it's the thing we've all dealt with before are the memories and the plans we had set for each other. I'm one of those that hates introducing my girl to my family unless it's really serious, and I did, and my family accepted her, always danced with her, made her feel comfortable.

Family is important to me so seeing and thinking about those memories bring pain. That and the fact that the way I move on from people is by going out and taking my mind off her, but how can you do that when lately almost every hobby you had, you made her a part of it, and now everything you do, from playing games, to watching tv series, going to the gym, going to clubs, makes you think of the person you've been doing that with for the last whole year?

 

tl:dr

1.) What's the best way to move on from a breakup?

2.) What do you do if the activities you liked doing are full of memories of her?

3.)How to get motivated again, I wanted to be truthful with her and do it now, but now that it's done and you start missing her, I start to think if it was the right decision to do this now, when this is exams week, and I'm feeling really unmotivated to open a book let alone study.

4.) I know time heals all wounds, I've been through this before, but the difference is that this one is more of a "good breakup", mutual, so it stings a lot more, cause you wonder everything was good, but she was just to sentimental for me.

5.) What would you do in my situation with the flight? In a way you have her wanting to see you, in a few weeks, to end things nicely, in another, her mom just said it's best not to, and she doesn't want to allow it. Though I did convince her, in which she later agreed, but started putting rules, "you can only come see her if you come to our house" which I don't feel comfortable being in after that conversation. The girl is 23 years old, I always thought she could make her own decisions in a situation like this.

 

Thanks for any input. Like I said, really appreciate it. Going through a tough time, and know I have to move on and get back on track. I mentioned the least amount I could, and it still ended up being some what a lot, but if you wanna know more about anything I said. Ask away.

Edited February 20, 2017 by ReMaKe

[Downtown]

ReMake, welcome to the LoveShack forum. You are describing behaviors that seem very immature and emotionally unstable. And that immaturity seems highlighted by way your GF, at age 23, is still so dependent on her mother. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

 

If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her behaviors are so severe as to constitute a full-blown personality disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, ReMake.

[Mrin]

Hey RM,

 

I'm not going to touch your GF story - I think you're better off without that honestly.

 

But to answer your original question: novelty.

 

You see your brain loves to obsess about stuff. Like right now your brain is obsessing about your ex. You keep firing those neural synaptic connections over and over thinking about her and the situation and the breakup.

 

But you know what you brain loves to do even more than obsess about emotionally trauma? It loves to learn and experience new stuff. Novelty. Our brains are predisposed to learn and experience new things. So what should you do? Go do new stuff. Take up a new sport. Go to a new pub. Read a new book. Take a class. Attend a lecture. Go to an art gallery. Attend some meet-ups.

 

Dude, i've been right where you are now. I know it is hard and frankly, when you start binging on new stuff it is often times hard to stay focused. But keep at it, sooner or later your brain will stop fighting you and just go into absorption and learning mode. When it is doing that, it can't think (as much) about your ex. And it will get easier.

 

Oh ya, and go NC. Period. End of story.

[d0nnivain]

First you need to take a long hard look at your definition of a good relationship. You were LDR. You didn't get to spend too much time together.

 

 

If you were going to celebrate your 1 year anniversary you were barely together 10 months. Despite the distance you had 6-7 big fights. That is not a healthy relationship. That is a dysfunctional mess. I have been married for almost 10 years & we haven't had that many big fights.

 

 

Don't go see her. Eat the change fee & do something else with the ticket. Her family is against you. You are swimming up stream.

 

 

As for getting over a breakup.

 

 

Grieve. It's OK to cry. Something precious has been lost.

 

 

Cleanse. Pack up all the mementos & photos. Rearrange your apartment / living space so you don't see things that remind you of her

 

 

Surround yourself with positive supportive people.

 

 

Keep busy

[Cookiesandough]

1. Time. Yes it's cliche and yes it applies even to 'good' breakups. Time and no contact. No contact is very important in moving on when you still have feelings. Your ex is right. You can't be in contact now. Down the road when you're over it, maybe. Use no contact as a way to shut the door on any hope on reconciliation. When we cannot be with someone we grieve and accept it, like a death. No it doesn't completely disappear, but it usually gets much easier with time. Continuing contact or using NC as a means of keeping foot in the door by playing hard to get or mysterious or whatever some people do, you keep hope alive and prolong the process of moving on.

2. Continue doing activities you enjoy by yourself or with others. New memories will slowly take their place.

3. Motivation is difficult to muster for anyone, let alone when you're grieving a breakup. Think of this as a death. You fall into a depression of sorts. What you are feeling is completely understandable. Let yourself feel it to get through it. Don't stifle it. In the meantime, push through what you need to do. Read up on strategies. Ultimately, you will get to a place where you will start to see your goals clearly and motivationto accomplish will come back.

4. Yeah, it sucks, but people don't have to hate each other to not be right for each other as a romantic couple. Same thing still applies.

5. Cancel the flight and eat the money. It's over.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[ReMaKe]

ReMake, welcome to the LoveShack forum. You are describing behaviors that seem very immature and emotionally unstable. And that immaturity seems highlighted by way your GF, at age 23, is still so dependent on her mother. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

 

If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her behaviors are so severe as to constitute a full-blown personality disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, ReMake.

 

Yes some of those do describe her well.

Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

There was always pointing fingers, and even in arguments where she knows she started it, she'd always say "It's because you always". Or if she's sad and she feels she's not getting the support she desires "You never".

 

Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

Never from family since she knew how important family is to me, but from some friends that are female. Always got really jealous.

 

A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;

 

This happened at times. I recall a few times, when it was like "If you care about me you'd come and take a trip over here right now since I need you" even though I told her that even though I care about her, and would love that, I unfortunately cannot miss both school and work, and whats the point of a plane ticket if even if I missed school and work, I can only see you for a few hours and have to come back?

 

Very double standard. An example is her jealousy towards my female friends that I've known since childhood, yet she's fine talking to some of her guy friends. Which I let her do, since I don't control people; however, it was just always ironic, how she would get mad if I do it, but to her it's okay.

 

Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

 

Somewhat. Sometimes, but not as often. A perfect example would be last week everything is so amazing, I'm being told everything from I want you in my life to you're the greatest, but then an argument ensues in which I'll take full blame for this one, but all that's coming out of her mouth is things that make you feel like your nothing. Like you're a monster.

 

Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

This was our problem. Those 6-7 arguments I've mentioned were all very very small things with the exception of maybe 1-2. In fact the reason I say maybe 1-2 is because I can't remember just about any argument at all.

 

Low self esteem;

 

Yes.

 

Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

 

Yes. Very sentimental person. Anything I said she felt like she was being attacked, and is what created the petty arguments. The time you specified is somewhat accurate. I would move on from things in about 15 mins after talking about it. It would take her hours, sometimes days.

 

Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

Basically it was always my fault. And when she would explain things she never had evidence at all. "You're being mean" "How"..... "Can't tell me how" That's just a random made example that explains how most of it was.

 

Hey RM,

 

I'm not going to touch your GF story - I think you're better off without that honestly.

 

But to answer your original question: novelty.

 

You see your brain loves to obsess about stuff. Like right now your brain is obsessing about your ex. You keep firing those neural synaptic connections over and over thinking about her and the situation and the breakup.

 

But you know what you brain loves to do even more than obsess about emotionally trauma? It loves to learn and experience new stuff. Novelty. Our brains are predisposed to learn and experience new things. So what should you do? Go do new stuff. Take up a new sport. Go to a new pub. Read a new book. Take a class. Attend a lecture. Go to an art gallery. Attend some meet-ups.

 

Dude, i've been right where you are now. I know it is hard and frankly, when you start binging on new stuff it is often times hard to stay focused. But keep at it, sooner or later your brain will stop fighting you and just go into absorption and learning mode. When it is doing that, it can't think (as much) about your ex. And it will get easier.

 

Oh ya, and go NC. Period. End of story.

 

Yeah I feel you. It just feels hard at the moment, but I know deep down that in due time I'll get over it. What bothers me the most at the moment is the flight, and the fact we agreed to end it peacefully in person, but the mom butting in makes you question things a lot.

 

First you need to take a long hard look at your definition of a good relationship. You were LDR. You didn't get to spend too much time together.

 

 

If you were going to celebrate your 1 year anniversary you were barely together 10 months. Despite the distance you had 6-7 big fights. That is not a healthy relationship. That is a dysfunctional mess. I have been married for almost 10 years & we haven't had that many big fights.

 

 

Don't go see her. Eat the change fee & do something else with the ticket. Her family is against you. You are swimming up stream.

 

 

As for getting over a breakup.

 

 

Grieve. It's OK to cry. Something precious has been lost.

 

 

Cleanse. Pack up all the mementos & photos. Rearrange your apartment / living space so you don't see things that remind you of her

 

 

Surround yourself with positive supportive people.

 

 

Keep busy

 

Yeah we didn't spend as much time as other relationships, that's for sure. We did try to see each other twice a month. Lasting about 3-4 days each trip.

 

Well there was 6-7, but I'm really not sure what the number is. What I do know for a fact is that I can't name you more then 1-2 arguments we've had. Just about every argument was very petty and stupid, and should have never gotten to that level. A real example is, "Babe, how about we go to the gym together, and get in better shape!" That turns into me being a punching bag, with words being thrown at me saying "Are you serious right now, what are you trying say"? Am I really such a bad person for wanting a gym buddy, and to better ourselves? That's what I refer to as "big fights". She'll overreact really bad. After a while, she'll come to understand, and she even took my suggestion and we both signed up to a gym.

 

The problem would be that something like that would be enough to hurt her to a very low level. Which I don't understand considering the person is actually really attractive, and not in bad shape at all. Why does some really petty fight like that enough to make you question everything? That's what led me to make my decision, even though I still have tremendous love for her.

 

Yeah that's what bothers me. Her family getting involved, well her mom. I knew that would happen when you go to your mom as one of your best friends and only go to her for counsel when you're hurt. Her mom butting in sealed the deal for me as to never have anything. I can never be in a relationship where I'm not in good standings with a possible mother in law. I would say her mom right now is the one pulling the strings and that's what hurts, that you right now don't even have a say, her mom is very bossy. They themselves argue a lot.

What I really wanted, and still do, was to end things peacefully. I'm someone who always keeps my words, and just going, having some lunch and just saying our goodbyes, is how I wanted things to play out.

[JGB]

I don't have any sagely wisdom, I'm struggling badly with being broken up with too, but maybe it'll help to know you aren't alone.

 

It kinda helps me to know I'm not in uncharted waters and recovery will happen. Maybe it can give you a little solace too.

[d0nnivain]

When the petty stuff blows up more often than not, it's not healthy. She doesn't sound all that stable.

 

 

Stay away. Do your own thing. In time you will heal.

[Been]

First thing is work on NO contact. That means no texts. No checking out her social media and BLOCKING her from your phone.

[Downtown]

Yes some of those do describe her well.

ReMake, you identify 8 of the 18 BPD warning signs as being strong. Yet, if you will follow my link to Rebel's Thread and read my posts there, I suspect you will find that you have overlooked several warning signs. My list shows 18 BPD red flags because I generally show two real-world examples for each of the 9 defining traits for BPD. I will mention a few you may want to reconsider:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction.

Although you did not recognize this example of black-white thinking, you did recognize it in #2 (frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions). If behavior #2 occurs frequently, #1 very likely is also occurring. Adults who are

so

immature that they do frequent all-or-nothing thinking cannot tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings toward a partner or close friend. Hence, like a young child, that adult will "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it temporarily completely out of reach of her conscious mind. This is why an adult, who loves you deeply, is able to flip to devaluing you (even hating you) in less than a minute.

 

You saw an example of this black-white thinking last week when

"I'

m

being told everything from I want you in my life to you're the greatest, but then an argument ensues in which... all that's coming out of her mouth is things that make you feel like your nothing. Like you're a monster."

This immature behavior is seen frequently in very young children. A young girl will adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys and then, in an instant, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone....

Although you do not mention this one, I suspect that your

GF

has a great fear of abandonment or you would not be reporting that she "always got really jealous" of your female friends. An abandonment fear typically manifests outwardly as irrational jealousy, e.g., being jealous of other people who pose no real threat of taking her partner away.

 

Abandonment fear also becomes evident in a repeating cycle of push-you-away/pull-you-back. As you say, your

GF

would "start doubting if we should be together. This happened about 6-7 times throughout the whole year."

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences.

You don't list this trait. On the other hand, you describe a woman who has such a lack of impulse control that

"some really petty fight like that [is] enough to make you question everything."

And you describe a woman who was

so

impulsive that, when overreacting to some minor comment, she wanted to end your relationship 6 or 7 times.

[ReMaKe]

When the petty stuff blows up more often than not, it's not healthy. She doesn't sound all that stable.

 

 

Stay away. Do your own thing. In time you will heal.

 

Yeah you might be right. She always had her defense up, ready to snap like she's trapped in a change. She needs to better herself, as do I, which is why I wanted the break. I did think of one day reuniting if we can fix our own issues, and if it's in gods will, but her mom butting in was the last straw. I right now know what to do, it's just hard at times. The hardest thing I would say is hands down sleeping. This whole day even though I'm talking about it here, I've been okay. Sleeping yesterday night, and I'm sure later will be the hardest thing, but I'm guessing you just gotta tough it out, and I'm sure she's going through the same, as many others so knowing I'm not alone helps.

 

First thing is work on NO contact. That means no texts. No checking out her social media and BLOCKING her from your phone.

 

That's what I did with my ex and I moved on pretty quickly; however, do you feel it's necessary to block the other person? Is it okay for them to see you doing good? Or is that a bad thought process?

[d0nnivain]

however, do you feel it's necessary to block the other person? Is it okay for them to see you doing good? Or is that a bad thought process?

 

 

NC is about you healing. It has nothing to do with the other person. Blocking should be employed to keep you safe from the temptation to contact them. But if you are still thinking about how what you are doing will play to your EX you aren't over them. How they react should not be your concern.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

ReMake, welcome to the LoveShack forum. You are describing behaviors that seem very immature and emotionally unstable. And that immaturity seems highlighted by way your GF, at age 23, is still so dependent on her mother. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

 

If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her behaviors are so severe as to constitute a full-blown personality disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, ReMake.

 

I just wanted to say that this post just helped me IMMENSELY. Reading the included links really opened my eyes as to why me and my EX just broke up. It was just like ReMake's, Rebel's, and yourself Downtown. My EX basically checked ALL of those 18 boxes to a moderate to high level at times. It helped me understand how she could just go so Volcanic Hot for me to Freezing me out for seemingly NO reason.

 

It also helped open my eyes up to myself. To understand that me being a caretaker and wanting to help people and 'rescue damsels' makes me susceptible to 'co-dependency'.

 

Don't want to hijack this thread about my own story. Anyone can read my thread if they want details. But I just want to say thanks because this really helped me understand BPD and my Ex's actions perfectly.

 

Best Wishes Remake. Like others will suggest go full NC and do things that you enjoy like hobbies etc. to occupy yourself and let time do some healing.

[ReMaKe]

ReMake, you identify 8 of the 18 BPD warning signs as being strong. Yet, if you will follow my link to Rebel's Thread and read my posts there, I suspect you will find that you have overlooked several warning signs. My list shows 18 BPD red flags because I generally show two real-world examples for each of the 9 defining traits for BPD. I will mention a few you may want to reconsider:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction.

Although you did not recognize this example of black-white thinking, you did recognize it in #2 (frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions). If behavior #2 occurs frequently, #1 very likely is also occurring. Adults who are

so

immature that they do frequent all-or-nothing thinking cannot tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings toward a partner or close friend. Hence, like a young child, that adult will "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it temporarily completely out of reach of her conscious mind. This is why an adult, who loves you deeply, is able to flip to devaluing you (even hating you) in less than a minute.

 

You saw an example of this black-white thinking last week when

"I'

m

being told everything from I want you in my life to you're the greatest, but then an argument ensues in which... all that's coming out of her mouth is things that make you feel like your nothing. Like you're a monster."

This immature behavior is seen frequently in very young children. A young girl will adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys and then, in an instant, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone....

Although you do not mention this one, I suspect that your

GF

has a great fear of abandonment or you would not be reporting that she "always got really jealous" of your female friends. An abandonment fear typically manifests outwardly as irrational jealousy, e.g., being jealous of other people who pose no real threat of taking her partner away.

 

Abandonment fear also becomes evident in a repeating cycle of push-you-away/pull-you-back. As you say, your

GF

would "start doubting if we should be together. This happened about 6-7 times throughout the whole year."

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences.

You don't list this trait. On the other hand, you describe a woman who has such a lack of impulse control that

"some really petty fight like that [is] enough to make you question everything."

And you describe a woman who was

so

impulsive that, when overreacting to some minor comment, she wanted to end your relationship 6 or 7 times.

 

Yeah seeing you go into details, I can see those. Is it bad, that I feel sad to think that she could possibly have this disorder? Idk why, but my mind just doesn't want to think of her like that.

 

I always "jokingly" told her, that sometimes she acts bipolar. Cause when we would argue, it would go from being normal, to arguing, yelling, mad , to sad, crying, and situations being reversed (i.e if the argument was about something she did, all of a sudden it turned to, "don't cry").

 

Like I said, even though there's a lot of signs, I just want to believe that even though she has all the ones I mentioned, that some are mild, and some were more severe.

That being said, if she does have this, it makes me wonder, maybe I should've been more supportive. Maybe not argue back, or make a victim feel more of a victim. Maybe I should've comforted her better.

 

NC is about you healing. It has nothing to do with the other person. Blocking should be employed to keep you safe from the temptation to contact them. But if you are still thinking about how what you are doing will play to your EX you aren't over them. How they react should not be your concern.

 

Oh I'm definitely not over her at all. So I do think a lot about her, but I'm trying. Now comes the hard part, the night!

[Downtown]

Even though there's a lot of signs, I just want to believe that even though she has all the ones I mentioned, that some are mild, and some were more severe.

ReMake, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

 

Is it bad, that I feel sad to think that she could possibly have this disorder?

No, it is commendable that you feel that way. Like you, I hope she doesn't have the disorder. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Idk why, but my mind just doesn't want to think of her like that.

If you don't believe her BPD traits are strong and persistent, then don't think of her that way. I'm not trying to persuade you that she exhibits strong traits. Rather, I'm only trying to point you to information about warning signs so you can decide, for yourself, whether you've been seeing strong red flags for BPD.

 

I always "jokingly" told her, that sometimes she acts bipolar. Cause when we would argue, it would go from being normal, to arguing, yelling, mad , to sad, crying....

Because bipolar and BPD both result in emotional instability, many people confuse one disorder with the other. There nonetheless are many important differences between the two. Bipolar mood changes, for example, typically take two weeks to develop and another two weeks to disappear -- because bipolar mood changes arise from body chemical changes that usually are slow to occur.

 

In contrast, BPD mood changes usually occur in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds -- because they are triggered by events (not by a change in body chemistry). Moreover, whereas bipolar mood changes typically occur once or twice a year, BPD mood changes usually are far more frequent.

 

If you're interested, I describe many other behavioral differences between these two disorders in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

That being said, if she does have this, it makes me wonder, maybe I should've been more supportive. Maybe not argue back, or make a victim feel more of a victim. Maybe I should've comforted her better.

No, if she does have strong and persistent BPD traits, that condition does not give her a free pass to verbally abuse you and behave like a spoiled child. As with a young child, an emotionally stunted adult should be held fully responsible for her own bad choices and harmful behaviors. Otherwise, she has no incentive to learn how to develop emotional skills.

 

Moreover, as long as you remain in a close R/S with a BPDer, it is impossible to avoid triggering her two fears. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you unavoidably will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

[ReMaKe]

ReMake, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

 

No, it is commendable that you feel that way. Like you, I hope she doesn't have the disorder. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

If you don't believe her BPD traits are strong and persistent, then don't think of her that way. I'm not trying to persuade you that she exhibits strong traits. Rather, I'm only trying to point you to information about warning signs so you can decide, for yourself, whether you've been seeing strong red flags for BPD.

 

Because bipolar and BPD both result in emotional instability, many people confuse one disorder with the other. There nonetheless are many important differences between the two. Bipolar mood changes, for example, typically take two weeks to develop and another two weeks to disappear -- because bipolar mood changes arise from body chemical changes that usually are slow to occur.

 

In contrast, BPD mood changes usually occur in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds -- because they are triggered by events (not by a change in body chemistry). Moreover, whereas bipolar mood changes typically occur once or twice a year, BPD mood changes usually are far more frequent.

 

If you're interested, I describe many other behavioral differences between these two disorders in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

No, if she does have strong and persistent BPD traits, that condition does not give her a free pass to verbally abuse you and behave like a spoiled child. As with a young child, an emotionally stunted adult should be held fully responsible for her own bad choices and harmful behaviors. Otherwise, she has no incentive to learn how to develop emotional skills.

 

Moreover, as long as you remain in a close R/S with a BPDer, it is impossible to avoid triggering her two fears. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you unavoidably will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Oh no, I'm not saying you're suggesting anything. I'm just thinking out loudly, as in after doing some research, and stuff, I just hope that even though she has some of these patterns that she's not a full blown BPD. That'll just make me feel more sad.

 

Some of them were intense, like how she would snap at anything she feels was an attack, even if it wasn't and it took a lot of reassuring to calm down, and let her know that she just misinterpreted. I always felt this whole relationship, and I let her know and at times she agreed, that she has this humongous defensive wall inside her setup to come back at anything she feels is an attach on her as a person. If we're playing basketball, (and she had never really played basketball before, I'm an athlete) and I trash talk a bit, like "Haha you suck" that was an attack. It became a comparison. "So you think you're better than me"? "Why you being egocentric"? I'd tell her she's never played basketball, why she trying compare herself to me in something she doesn't even play, and get mad because I'm more knowledgeable and have more experience playing?

 

Her jealousy was on another level too. Not with family, but with female friends, and god forbid you talk about your ex. Even if she's the one that brought up a question about my ex. Maybe it's because I talk good about my ex's? As in I'll never say anything bad about any. Idk if that's a bad thing, but I'm just not the type of person to bash the people I've been with. Even her, anyone asks about her, I won't bash her, In my eyes she was a great person.

 

The victim card came when we would argue, that's when I would see it. Know matter if it was her fault, she always tried to justify it by saying "yeah, but you always......." but I can't even remember what the arguments were about. So essentially, I'm breaking up with somebody, because we argued at times, but I can't remember the arguments. Sounds funny, and non logical lol.

 

Her verbally abuse was weird. She did cuss at me, but very very rarely, maybe in one or two of the arguments. It was more about being really loud, cussing a lot but not at me, more like adding an f bomb before any word you say, and it was about blaming you in a way that even though you know it's not your fault, you just start feeling guilty, and thinking, like damn, how I get into this situation right now. Like why are we arguing over this, and why are you being so spiteful? I'd say "You're being mean right now". Her response "No, you're always mean".

 

Even though I don't think she is a full blown bpd, I feel she has some intense characteristics of it; however, for sake of the argument I'm going to make, I'll look at her in a just in case she is situation.

The reason I feel I should've done a better job, and am feeling guilty, and it's made me pretty sad, is the fact that me knowing what I know now, if she is in fact bpd, a lot of the things make a lot of sense. Reading a lot of the things you've written, and listening to some guy by the name of Ross Rosenberg, I've come to learn a bit about it all of yesterday.

 

One thing Ross mentioned a lot, as did you, was the fear of abandonment and engulfment. Early on she was somebody that it was hard for her to let anyone in, she just couldn't, and early on we were gonna call it quits because of that. Tbh, I'm similar, but in a different way. To me it's hard to let people in, to show vulnerability, but I don't run away from it. I just take it slow. It takes me a lot of time to fully open up completely emotionally.

 

Now abandonment, it makes sense, arguably our biggest argument was one in which we were arguing (even though idk if to call my arguments, arguments, if I'm a lot of the times quiet, I just let her yell), and I just couldn't take it. So I said I just need some space, I need get some sleep. I however wasn't planning on sleeping, I just wanted to lay down for a bit, cause I just couldn't take another stupid argument. So I went to close my eyes and take a break. Well, the worst thing happened, that break turned into actual sleep.... I didn't wake up till the next day, and when I woke up, it was like I woke up in hell. "Don't talk to me, I can't with you, "I don't recognize you, you abandoned me, who are you". Making you feel like nothing. Started saying "how this is to much" she started panicking, and having anxiety. This was the last argument we ever had, and the one that I believe put the nail in the coffin.

 

It would make sense that for someone who fears being abandoned, to be abandoned like that, and react like that, which is why I blame myself a lot right now. Cause a lot of things that we see as "It's no THATTTTT big of a deal" to her it is. If I don't pick up the phone, it's panic time. Also hurts, cause for someone who's going through this, you just can't help, but wanna help them, be there for them. Like I said before, what I really wanted was a break, some space which is why I broke it. Some time for both of us to grow cause I saw a lot of immaturity traits during arguments that I wanted her to fix, and I also wanted to better myself. However, a lot of things I've read make it seem like a relationship like this is doomed from the start. Just a matter of time, and if that's the case, then that's really sad.

 

Like I said idk if she is full blown or not, all I know is that she has some of those traits really intensively; however, it's made me rethink going no contact forever, I just feel like abandoning someone who fears being abandoned is wrong. I rather NC, and if she contacts me LC.

[goldway90]

I just feel like abandoning someone who fears being abandoned is wrong. I rather NC, and if she contacts me LC.

 

NC is good for your own health. People with BPD require extensive psychotherapy, CBT and DBT to be able to fully recognize their triggers and minimize their outbursts. The disorder will never go away i'd listen to what Downtown is saying.

 

Staying with an untreated BPD person is simply unhealthy and it will never work.

Edited February 21, 2017 by goldway90
typo

[ReMaKe]

NC is good for your own health. People with BPD require extensive psychotherapy, CBT and DBT to be able to fully recognize their triggers and minimize their outbursts. The disorder will never go away i'd listen to what Downtown is saying.

 

Staying with an untreated BPD person is simply unhealthy and it will never work.

 

For some reason that's so hard to take. The more I think about my ex before this one, the more I feel she was the same way, he fear of abandonment like that, the snapping, and verbally abusing, and the jealousy.

 

It's hard cause you start thinking was this relationship really doomed no matter what? Wow, at least if it was a normal relationship you can at least look back at things and see if you could do them differently, but this one is like.... It's just weird and confusing.

 

I don't chase, I got to much pride in that regard, so I'm not the one to cry and call her and beg her that maybe we should work things out or I miss you, or I wish I didn't break up wit you or none of that. Especially since I know she has to work on a lot of things. So I won't hit her up. She even owes me money and has to send it to me this week, and I won't hit her up, or request it right now. And it ain't pennies either. What I was saying is that I'll go NC, won't hit her up, but if she hits me up, I'll go LC.

[Downtown]

I just feel like abandoning someone who fears being abandoned is wrong.

Remake, if your GF has strong BPD traits as you believe, you likely are doing more harm to her by staying than by leaving. Remember, her engulfment fear likely is as great as her abandonment fear. This means that, when you stay in the relationship and draw close to her, she will get a very frightening feeling of being controlled and of disappearing into your personality. When triggered, that fear can be every bit as painful as the abandonment fear.

 

Moreover, the only way a BPDer will allow you to remain in the R/S long term is if you walk on eggshells frequently -- i.e., if you stop behaving like your true self and instead behave in a way she dictates. Yet, that enabling behavior allows her to continue to behave like a spoiled child and continue to GET AWAY WITH IT.

 

In that way, your enabling actions harm the BPDer by destroying every opportunity she has to be forced to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. This implies that, by continuing to stay with an untreated BPDer, you are doing more damage than good. If you have her interests at heart, it is important that you stop protecting her from the logical consequences of her own bad behaviors and bad choices.

 

IDK if she is full blown [bPD] or not, all I know is that she has some of those traits really intensively.

Remake, for the purpose of deciding whether to continue living with her, it does not really matter whether she has the full-blown disorder (i.e., meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD"). That criteria is set at such a high threshold that it primarily serves only the interests of the courts and insurance companies, who insisted on a bright line when that threshold was adopted in 1980.

 

This is so because, like all the other PDs, BPD is a spectrum disorder. This means that, like selfishness and resentment, BPD traits are merely behavioral symptoms that everybody has to some degree. It therefore was ridiculous for the psychiatric community to adopt a dichotomous approach -- wherein a client is deemed "to have" or "not have" BPD.

 

Granted, this "yes or no" approach makes perfect sense in every field of the medical sciences, where clients are found to either have a disease or not. Chickenpox, for example, is something a person either "has" or "does not have." This is why, in the medical sciences, "disorder" means "disease." In psychiatry, however, "disorder" does not mean that with respect to PDs. There is NO KNOWN DISEASE that causes any of the ten personality disorders (PDs). Hence, in psychiatry, a personality "disorder" simply means "group of behavioral symptoms typically occurring together" (aka a "syndrome").

 

Of course, a substantial segment of the psychiatric community knew in 1980 that this dichotomous approach to diagnosis makes no sense for behavioral symptoms that vary in intensity from person to person. They knew it is senseless to say a person meeting only 95% of the diagnostic criteria "has no disorder" and a person meeting 100% "has the disorder."

 

Doing so is as silly as diagnosing everyone under 6'4" as "short" and everyone under 250 pounds as "skinny." The psychiatric community adopted this silly approach largely because the insurance companies and the courts -- who were long accustomed to "yes or no" diagnoses from the medical community -- were pressing for a single, bright line being drawn between those clients they would cover (or institutionalize) and those they would not cover.

 

I mention all this to explain why, for a person deciding whether his partner would make a good spouse, obtaining a diagnosis of "no BPD" is unlikely to be helpful. It may be as useless as telling a blind man "There is no BUS coming" when he is deciding whether to step into a crosswalk. Importantly, a person satisfying 75% or 85% of the diagnostic criteria -- and, hence, "not having BPD" -- may be nearly as difficult to live with as a person satisfying 100%.

 

This is why it is prudent to learn how to spot the red flags. And this is why it is prudent to confirm your conclusions by obtaining a second opinion from your own psychologist who has never seen or treated your GF. In that way, you can be assured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.

[ReMaKe]

Remake, if your GF has strong BPD traits as you believe, you likely are doing more harm to her by staying than by leaving. Remember, her engulfment fear likely is as great as her abandonment fear. This means that, when you stay in the relationship and draw close to her, she will get a very frightening feeling of being controlled and of disappearing into your personality. When triggered, that fear can be every bit as painful as the abandonment fear.

 

Moreover, the only way a BPDer will allow you to remain in the R/S long term is if you walk on eggshells frequently -- i.e., if you stop behaving like your true self and instead behave in a way she dictates. Yet, that enabling behavior allows her to continue to behave like a spoiled child and continue to GET AWAY WITH IT.

 

In that way, your enabling actions harm the BPDer by destroying every opportunity she has to be forced to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. This implies that, by continuing to stay with an untreated BPDer, you are doing more damage than good. If you have her interests at heart, it is important that you stop protecting her from the logical consequences of her own bad behaviors and bad choices.

 

Remake, for the purpose of deciding whether to continue living with her, it does not really matter whether she has the full-blown disorder (i.e., meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD"). That criteria is set at such a high threshold that it primarily serves only the interests of the courts and insurance companies, who insisted on a bright line when that threshold was adopted in 1980.

 

This is so because, like all the other PDs, BPD is a spectrum disorder. This means that, like selfishness and resentment, BPD traits are merely behavioral symptoms that everybody has to some degree. It therefore was ridiculous for the psychiatric community to adopt a dichotomous approach -- wherein a client is deemed "to have" or "not have" BPD.

 

Granted, this "yes or no" approach makes perfect sense in every field of the medical sciences, where clients are found to either have a disease or not. Chickenpox, for example, is something a person either "has" or "does not have." This is why, in the medical sciences, "disorder" means "disease." In psychiatry, however, "disorder" does not mean that with respect to PDs. There is NO KNOWN DISEASE that causes any of the ten personality disorders (PDs). Hence, in psychiatry, a personality "disorder" simply means "group of behavioral symptoms typically occurring together" (aka a "syndrome").

 

Of course, a substantial segment of the psychiatric community knew in 1980 that this dichotomous approach to diagnosis makes no sense for behavioral symptoms that vary in intensity from person to person. They knew it is senseless to say a person meeting only 95% of the diagnostic criteria "has no disorder" and a person meeting 100% "has the disorder."

 

Doing so is as silly as diagnosing everyone under 6'4" as "short" and everyone under 250 pounds as "skinny." The psychiatric community adopted this silly approach largely because the insurance companies and the courts -- who were long accustomed to "yes or no" diagnoses from the medical community -- were pressing for a single, bright line being drawn between those clients they would cover (or institutionalize) and those they would not cover.

 

I mention all this to explain why, for a person deciding whether his partner would make a good spouse, obtaining a diagnosis of "no BPD" is unlikely to be helpful. It may be as useless as telling a blind man "There is no BUS coming" when he is deciding whether to step into a crosswalk. Importantly, a person satisfying 75% or 85% of the diagnostic criteria -- and, hence, "not having BPD" -- may be nearly as difficult to live with as a person satisfying 100%.

 

This is why it is prudent to learn how to spot the red flags. And this is why it is prudent to confirm your conclusions by obtaining a second opinion from your own psychologist who has never seen or treated your GF. In that way, you can be assured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.

 

I see. That is sad indeed. Something that is said a lot is that this usually happens when they're young by their parents; however, she always said her parents were always good, and that she loved the way she was raised. If I were to believe her, is there any other way this could have come about? I do know that she was in a really horrible relationship before me that left her somewhat traumatized.

 

Another question is, are they like this mostly when it comes to relationships, or in friendship as well? She did have 2-3 really close friends, and a lot of acquaintances (friends she'd hang out once in a while with, but not someone she shared personal information with).

 

If they're mostly like this just when it comes to relationships, Is remaining friends with someone who has bpd a bad thing?

 

Like always, thanks for your insight.

[Downtown]

She always said her parents were always good, and that she loved the way she was raised. If I were to believe her, is there any other way this could have come about?

Perhaps her parents were good to her. The cause of BPD is still unproven. The current theory is that it is caused by a combination of genetic predisposition (i.e., inherited genes) and childhood abuse or abandonment. This theory seems consistent with a recent large scale study finding that 70% of BPDers report that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

Yet, because that study is simply a correlation analysis, it is able to establish correlation but not causation. That is, the study cannot tell us whether the childhood abuse causes the strong BPD traits or, rather, the causation goes in the other direction. The study also cannot rule out that both of these variables are actually caused by a third, unknown variable.

 

Moreover, the study cannot explain why some abused children develop BPD but most abused children do not. It therefore is widely believed that, if the genetic predisposition to developing BPD is sufficiently strong, a child may develop full-blown BPD even in the absence of parental neglect and abandonment.

 

I do know that she was in a really horrible relationship before me that left her somewhat traumatized.

A trauma in her late teens or 20s could cause PTSD but not strong BPD traits. The current (unproven) view is that a trauma must occur in early childhood (typically, before age 5) if it is to cause BPD.

 

At that young age, a trauma is able to freeze the child's emotional development, preventing her from learning how to integrate various aspects of her own personality -- and preventing her from learning skills such as how to regulate emotions, avoid black-white thinking, perform self soothing, and intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

Another question is, are they like this mostly when it comes to relationships, or in friendship as well? She did have 2-3 really close friends, and a lot of acquaintances (friends she'd hang out once in a while with, but not someone she shared personal information with).

BPDers exhibit strong BPD traits whenever anyone poses a threat to their fears of abandonment and engulfment. With very low functioning BPDers, nearly anyone may be able to trigger their fears. The vast majority of BPDers, however, are high functioning people who generally get along fine with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat because there is no close R/S that can be abandoned and no intimacy that can cause engulfment.

 

The result is that the only people who usually see the dark side of HF BPDers are those who make the mistake of drawing close to form a long-term close R/S. These folks include close friends, lovers, and close family members. Because the HF BPDer typically will push these people away, the BPDers may have many casual friends but usually have no close long-term friends (unless that person lives a long distance away).

 

If they're mostly like this just when it comes to relationships, Is remaining friends with someone who has bpd a bad thing?

IME, most HF BPDers make excellent casual friends. Indeed, I find them to be more fun to be around than Nons (i.e., nonBPDers). Remember, the BPDer's problem is not being bad but, rather, being unstable. Significantly, you will not trigger that instability (or the rage that comes with it) as long as you don't try to be a close long-term friend.

 

After you've made the mistake of drawing close, however, it may be many years before you can resume the role of "casual friend." Indeed, it may be impossible for that to happen. Once you've been a lover to a woman for six years, it may be impossible for you to be around her again without triggering one of her two fears. You therefore are likely to see a recurrence of the roller coaster ride you've seen over the past six years.

[ReMaKe]

Perhaps her parents were good to her. The cause of BPD is still unproven. The current theory is that it is caused by a combination of genetic predisposition (i.e., inherited genes) and childhood abuse or abandonment. This theory seems consistent with a recent large scale study finding that 70% of BPDers report that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

Yet, because that study is simply a correlation analysis, it is able to establish correlation but not causation. That is, the study cannot tell us whether the childhood abuse causes the strong BPD traits or, rather, the causation goes in the other direction. The study also cannot rule out that both of these variables are actually caused by a third, unknown variable.

 

Moreover, the study cannot explain why some abused children develop BPD but most abused children do not. It therefore is widely believed that, if the genetic predisposition to developing BPD is sufficiently strong, a child may develop full-blown BPD even in the absence of parental neglect and abandonment.

 

A trauma in her late teens or 20s could cause PTSD but not strong BPD traits. The current (unproven) view is that a trauma must occur in early childhood (typically, before age 5) if it is to cause BPD.

 

At that young age, a trauma is able to freeze the child's emotional development, preventing her from learning how to integrate various aspects of her own personality -- and preventing her from learning skills such as how to regulate emotions, avoid black-white thinking, perform self soothing, and intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

BPDers exhibit strong BPD traits whenever anyone poses a threat to their fears of abandonment and engulfment. With very low functioning BPDers, nearly anyone may be able to trigger their fears. The vast majority of BPDers, however, are high functioning people who generally get along fine with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat because there is no close R/S that can be abandoned and no intimacy that can cause engulfment.

 

The result is that the only people who usually see the dark side of HF BPDers are those who make the mistake of drawing close to form a long-term close R/S. These folks include close friends, lovers, and close family members. Because the HF BPDer typically will push these people away, the BPDers may have many casual friends but usually have no close long-term friends (unless that person lives a long distance away).

 

IME, most HF BPDers make excellent casual friends. Indeed, I find them to be more fun to be around than Nons (i.e., nonBPDers). Remember, the BPDer's problem is not being bad but, rather, being unstable. Significantly, you will not trigger that instability (or the rage that comes with it) as long as you don't try to be a close long-term friend.

 

After you've made the mistake of drawing close, however, it may be many years before you can resume the role of "casual friend." Indeed, it may be impossible for that to happen. Once you've been a lover to a woman for six years, it may be impossible for you to be around her again without triggering one of her two fears. You therefore are likely to see a recurrence of the roller coaster ride you've seen over the past six years.

 

Interesting. Out of her very good friends, 2 of them live far away. One was a childhood friend who moved, another was someone she maintained contact with that she met traveling. However, her third friend has practically been there her whole life, and is still there, and is the person she practically does everything with. They get a long really good.

 

I see, I was with her for 10 months. Don't know so don't know if that means I got to close for to long of a time to be seen one day as just a casual friend. Though that's what I've wanted for a while, is just to be casual friends considering the relationship at times was really amazing in a "intense, very fun, lets always go out" way, but the instability destroyed me.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the season had anything to do with it. We went from all of spring and summer, always going out and doing a lot of activities, to then when the winter came around, basically locking ourselves in all day together, but I guess that I will never know.

[ReMaKe]

That moment, when it's about to be 4 full days nc, and right now it feels like you're taking a few steps back. Like idky, but right now, I can't get her out my head. All the memories are coming, and the fact that just a week ago today, we were smiling, nice valentines dinner the day before, and everything was okay.

 

It's hard cause sometimes you tell yourself, she's worth it, and unlike my other relationships where I moved fast from by thinking of the negative things in the relationship, this one when I think of the negative, I can't really remember them. Can't remember the arguments. All I can remember which is what bothers me the most, is how "how did we let your mom get in the middle of this, and control the situation". I won't break NC, cause I don't have it in me to against my word, but boy oh boy does my heart want to so bad to just hear her voice even if just for a few minutes.

 

One of those days.......