Here today gone tomorrow. s Welcome

[BeyondConfused1n]

I've dated this girl from what felt like the love of my life for a little over a year now. We've shared an amazing year with each other, which we both contents too. We both feel our love for each other has been very unique to us both (we're in our early 30's) we were always very affectionate towards each other. Holding hands everywhere. Etc.. and here we are now broken up due to our 3rd fight over the same topic. Dogs, which now ultimately ended our relationship.

 

 

I've create a post here almost a year ago about how this issue was a concern, and now it has come to fruition. Original Post with details:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/576058-can-dog-really-end-relationship

 

 

Now i'm left picking up the pieces. The day after Valentines day we had another argument over the dogs because I wasn't spending too much time at her place as her room really still smelled like her dogs, which obviously she had an issue with me not wanting to spend time there. She tried to not have the dogs sleep in her room for a while, but would always have the dogs in her room at all times when she was in it, which would bring the smell right back, so the smell would never really go away.

 

 

Needless to say - We're broken up now because of this and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it. I've tried to offer solutions for us by sitting down and talking with a therapist to get a third persons perspective and some tools to see if we can compromise on possibly not sleeping with the dogs, or whatever a professional suggest, but at this point she's completely made up her mind and wants nothing to do with our relationship. She's to the point where she is saying she is happy with how she is and is unwilling to compromise as she feels she shouldn't have to change herself and now she doesn't see a future. WTH?

 

 

The first day we broke up we were able to have a normal conversation, and it seemed like she was willing to try to work on us, but now three days later. When I try to talk to her, she's always out with friends, she's going out of town, too busy and unwilling to communicate and I cant understand how someone just shuts down and moves on like that from what seems as if its one day to the next.

 

 

Is that normal behavior for a relationship to end over a disagreement about dogs?

 

 

Is it normal for someone to just up and move on and be out and about without any regard for your last relationship?

 

 

I appreciate any replies in advance. I could use some conversation as I'm feeling lost. Feeling like part of me was just ripped away from me. I'm having trouble sleeping, and eating while the person that I loved is out having a grand old time. Tough pill to swallow at this point.

[kztar]

Op sounds like you are not compatible. I read your old thread and you don't seem to like dogs and dogs are like a human being like you to her.

 

There is no way around it unless you are willing to accept the dog lifestyle.

 

I personally wouldn't. I understand you but I think you should have broken up a while ago. This is not going to change, this is who she is, this is her lifestyle. The worst thing you can do is try to convince her that her lifestyle and hat her dogs should be treated differently. That's the way that she sees life and I don't see anything wrong with that. Again I personally would not be able to be with someone like this but this is who she is. If you love her you accept her as she is without asking her to change.

 

I know you are hurting but I really think that it's time for you to move on and look at the bigger picture. She has already decided she doesn't want to be with you. As someone said in your other thread I don't see any type of compromise that could have worked here.

[springy]

Believe me when I say I am a dog lover; an animal lover in general, but after reading your first post...this lady who is in her 30s and buys bottled water for her dogs is not going to change, and frankly doesn't have to. This is one of those things you either accept or you don't.

 

I cannot hang out long term in houses that smell like dog/have dog hair EVERYWHERE so I get how you feel about that. House dogs (even large house dogs) does not automatically equal funky dog smell throughout the house. Idk what the difference is, since you talk like it's not that she's not a clean person. I had an Akita in my home and my house did not smell like dog. It took a lot to keep hair from being all over the place, but a proper diet minimized daily shedding. It was only when she "blew" her coat every 6 months that things got tricky. I had to stay on top of it. However, she also was never allowed on furniture or my bed. She had a large crate with a nice thick bed that she slept in at night. In short - she had boundaries. Your exgf is not willing to live that life. She doesn't have to...but you also don't have to accept it.

 

Anyway - these dogs are like her children I guess. Not going to change. Ultimately you are incompatible. How would you have ever lived together? Truly sorry for your pain, but I'm not sure what the compromise would be for her.

[springy]

If you love her you accept her as she is without asking her to change.

 

Agree with your post except this statement...I mean...couldn't this be flipped the other way? I don't think this is for lack of love, but rather, no true do-able compromise. Assuming you would progress to living together/marriage, etc., this was going to come to a head eventually. It's just a massive incompatibility issue.

[SevenCity]

Sorry you are going through this. I assume she was the dumper?

 

It is actually perfectly normal for the dumper to act this way. She is experiencing a sense of releif that the RL has ended. Eventually she will likely feel the remorse but that doesn't mean she will want to get back.

 

I scanned your other thread and have an understanding of what happened. This was basically your issue in her eyes. She was fine all along with the behavior of her dogs. You were the one who presented the issue. Now that you are gone there is no more issue.

 

I'm not saying you were wrong but in her eyes everything was fine until you had a problem with it.

 

I have a small dog which I treat like family (she's my only family as the rest all live out of state - she's sleeping in my lap as I write this). My ex had two cats and even though I sneezed and my eyes watered the first time I was at her house I dealt with it. But I admit I mostly tolerated them as I'm not a big fan of cats - I'm sure that didn't help my case.

 

Now that my RL with her is over I would not get serious with a girl who doesn't like my dog or understand my attachment to her.

 

Your pain is perfectly normal and will be with you for some time. I'm 6 months out of mine and it still hurts (after the RL of 7 years). But it has gotten better and eventually you won't care anymore.

 

But if you don't want to ruin the chance of her coming back you have to dissapear and not contact her again. She might not ever come back, but if you continue to reach out you will push her further away.

 

It sucks but all you can do is move on.

Edited February 19, 2017 by SevenCity

[BeyondConfused1n]

Thank you for the replies.

 

 

Yes, she was the dumper.

 

 

Yes, we will always have incompatibilities with one another. I fully understand that. Typically I would not have dogs in a house, but that's where I would be happy to compromise by having the dogs in the house. Just not in areas where carpet is, or master bedroom, and maybe kitchen. The rest is fair game. In my opinion this is / was a fair compromise from my part.

 

 

I honestly believe if you truly love someone you can meet them half way within reason. I never asked her to put her dogs outside because that would not be a compromise nor fair to her. Having the dogs sleep in the bed, which is something they already do I felt is not a compromise on her part as she did not give up anything there.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Agree with your post except this statement...I mean...couldn't this be flipped the other way? I don't think this is for lack of love, but rather, no true do-able compromise. Assuming you would progress to living together/marriage, etc., this was going to come to a head eventually. It's just a massive incompatibility issue.

 

I agree with the part of "If you truly love her you will accept her as she is" that goes both ways, which is where the compromise would have taken place. I felt I was willing too, but towards the end she felt like she just didn't have / want too, and decided her choice was to move forward with only having he dogs in her life. =(

[kztar]

I agree with the part of "If you truly love her you will accept her as she is" that goes both ways, which is where the compromise would have taken place. I felt I was willing too, but towards the end she felt like she just didn't have / want too, and decided her choice was to move forward with only having he dogs in her life. =(

 

I am totally with you, however with life experience i've learned that ALOT of people are not willing to meet you halfway. It is seen as too much work for them. Again, another incompatibility issue because you will meet someone who is willing to meet you halfway. I dealt with the same issue with my ex. I did everything to meet him halfway but he couldn't do the same. It was 100% his way so he tried to change me as a person. That didn't work.

 

However I think for future reference you should focus early on the things that will never change in someone because they will not compromise.

[kztar]

Agree with your post except this statement...I mean...couldn't this be flipped the other way? I don't think this is for lack of love, but rather, no true do-able compromise. Assuming you would progress to living together/marriage, etc., this was going to come to a head eventually. It's just a massive incompatibility issue.

 

Pretty much yes incompatibility. However what im saying is that this is who she was and the OP should not have tried to change her or vise versa.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I am totally with you, however with life experience i've learned that ALOT of people are not willing to meet you halfway. It is seen as too much work for them. Again, another incompatibility issue because you will meet someone who is willing to meet you halfway. I dealt with the same issue with my ex. I did everything to meet him halfway but he couldn't do the same. It was 100% his way so he tried to change me as a person. That didn't work.

 

However I think for future reference you should focus early on the things that will never change in someone because they will not compromise.

 

 

Unfortunately that is a sad truth that people might not be willing to meet you halfway. In my head. If you love the other person. You will meet them at a reasonable half way point. This to me is the same as buying some flowers that you love as a sign of love / appreciation, or doing something nice for them. It all should come from the same place in my book. Love.

 

 

I think that's how she felt about me that I was trying to change her, which I always believed when you are in a relationship you should change together. Life is about growing, and if that's with your partner. Great. If not. That's where people grow apart. If you aren't willing to change who / how you are, or do different things. You will always get the same results. There are not very many couples who are exactly alike in everything. That's next to impossible to find, which tells me their success is also based off their ability to compromise when times get tough.

[Goodguy05]

OK. She's basically put her silly k9 before her relationship I wouldn't tolerate that and I think she's completely nuts sorry to say there animals ur a human being u shld come 1st not a dog for God's sake no offence god lol. OK here's the thing and I remember this from a Dr Phil episode if she truly values u and the relationship she would at least compromise she clearly does not do this. Do u want a woman who puts her pet before her relationship she is immature in my opinion. That to me does not sound like a relationship that can be sustained long term there has to be give and take. This is a no brainer however I understand ur feeling cut in there where u r myself and interesting thing that rejection does is make us want them even more it sux I kno. The reason she is out partying already is two fold she has slowly been detaching her self and checking out and 2 Wich is probably the most important she clearly clearly does not value u or the relationship to put a dog before u. Anyway NC dude after almost 3 months of it myself as much as it hurts sometimes I see the holes that were my own relationship and the comparability ma see what hard because she came wth kids and now seeing that probably it may have made me unhappy in the long run not saying this for sure because me and her certainly shared a very deep connection I hadn't shared in my relationships before but her kids made it very hard to share common goals because the goals meant sacrifice on my part Wich weren't my choice anyway. Stupidly I kept at it til she dumped me lol but anyway don't go back to this dog loving woman until she compromises wth u and puts u 1st and not just wth words but backs it up wth action good luck and God bless dude

[Goodguy05]

And btw yes u did compromise with her dog situation that is more than fair she knows u had issues wth breathing and the smell. The problem we have in relationships is we want to date our carbon copy of ourselves it just doesn't work that way that's why wat u did is pretty special and important compromise. U were able to see wat the dogs meant to her and loved her enough to meet half way. Do not second guess ureself u definatly compromised and met halfway no doubt about it. Wat I'm saying is if she truly values the relationship she wouldn't just discard u like rubbish like she has and move on but ye usually they do do that sometimes it's a coping mechanism sometimes it's underlying anger at the ex like in my case. Was there something else tho that made her just check out like that? Was there other issues I just find it odd that it's over dogs really odd but u kno the relationship and how u were so if it's only that dog issue man again she can't share a life wth dogs etc but a house crazy situation heal bro

[BeyondConfused1n]

OK. She's basically put her silly k9 before her relationship I wouldn't tolerate that and I think she's completely nuts sorry to say there animals ur a human being u shld come 1st not a dog for God's sake no offence god lol. OK here's the thing and I remember this from a Dr Phil episode if she truly values u and the relationship she would at least compromise she clearly does not do this. Do u want a woman who puts her pet before her relationship she is immature in my opinion. That to me does not sound like a relationship that can be sustained long term there has to be give and take. This is a no brainer however I understand ur feeling cut in there where u r myself and interesting thing that rejection does is make us want them even more it sux I kno. The reason she is out partying already is two fold she has slowly been detaching her self and checking out and 2 Wich is probably the most important she clearly clearly does not value u or the relationship to put a dog before u. Anyway NC dude after almost 3 months of it myself as much as it hurts sometimes I see the holes that were my own relationship and the comparability ma see what hard because she came wth kids and now seeing that probably it may have made me unhappy in the long run not saying this for sure because me and her certainly shared a very deep connection I hadn't shared in my relationships before but her kids made it very hard to share common goals because the goals meant sacrifice on my part Wich weren't my choice anyway. Stupidly I kept at it til she dumped me lol but anyway don't go back to this dog loving woman until she compromises wth u and puts u 1st and not just wth words but backs it up wth action good luck and God bless dude

 

 

Goodguy05 - Thank You for the reply,

 

 

No offense taken. I really felt the same way. Its hard to wrap my head around the fact that I've done so much for this girl in the last year, but it feels like it didn't add up to nearly half as much as how high she saw her dogs, which sucks, but it also built some resentment on my part over the course of the relationship. Towards the end I felt she tried to play the victim part because she felt she compromised by changing the sheets on her bed and not allowing the dogs to go onto the bed, but she didn't take into account that the dogs were still in the room on the carpet five days out of the week, which changing the bed sheets did not resolve one bit. She felt I wanted her to change too much with the dogs by not wanting them in the mater bedroom at all, and she thought that was too much to ask for in the end, and pretty much said we have no future, and she was happy the way she is and she didn't need to change. Which of course was a low blow to me as she just flushed our 1+ year relationship down the toilet for her dogs.

 

 

Your comment about Dr Phil. I said this same thing over and over to her. I feel she doesn't value me enough, or our relationship to compromise on this. Her answer was that she does value the relationship but she wants to be able to enjoy our time together with the dogs, always have them around, and be able to sleep with them. She did go see a therapist once when I told her this dog thing she had going on was not a typical situation, and her therapist told her its perfectly normal how she chooses to live her life, and that it sounded like our core values do not align, and shortly after that. Things started to fall apart, and here we are now. I never ever would have guessed dogs are in any way part of core values.

 

 

And yes, I felt she was absolutely immature when it comes to how she handled certain things. Especially when it came to her dogs, there were no boundaries for them, and that's just bad. I'm very surprised that the Therapist she went to go see did not address a possible underlying issue as to why someone would need dogs that much when they are in a happy, committed relationship?

 

 

Both of your statements about why she may be out and about and doing so much better already is because she may have already started to disconnect earlier on when her therapist was telling her about our core values not lining up, and our disagreements becoming more and more frequent, and your second comment. Absolutely! I feel the same way that she did not have any value for me in her life, or the relationship, which was why she threw it away so easily. Seeming as though I cant even get her to not have the dogs in the master bedroom, yet she has no problem throwing me out. You can see where her value system is, right?

 

 

I felt my compromise was fair as well. It is not like I asked her to kick her dogs outside (even though that's where I think these size dogs should live) but that's too one sided and that wouldn't be fair to her. I told her that living like that is not hygienic and not the normal I was used too, which her answer was everyone does it. All her friends do it. Her parents do it. Etc... If I gave two $hits about a person that I supposedly loved, and told me something bothered her. I would try and work with her to make her feel comfortable. That's the right & normal thing to do in a "Functional" relationship. In my opinion.

 

 

Our main issues were always the dogs. How she treated them. For Example: She was overly attentive to the dogs. As in they MUST walk twice a day, and they couldn't go outside if the weather was over 80 degrees. They needed to wear coats if it was cold outside. Only gave them bottled water, had both of them on prescription food, would watch them on a camera throughout the day when she was away from them, would always tells them she loves them before she left the house. If the dog was walking funny she would rush them to the doctors (because one cant be left home alone). To me it seemed over the top.

 

 

Over time this totally made me feel second place. I felt like she was contributing more both emotionally and financially to her dogs. It was very selfish from my point of view.

 

 

After two big fights about the dogs, and how I wouldn't want to stay at her place because her room smelled bad. She felt she tried to compromise by not having the dogs on the bed, and not having the dogs in the room while she slept, which was a great start, but what fell apart is she would have the dogs in the room 6 days a week on the carpet at all times when she would be in the room, which caused the room to stink up, and you cant just change the bed sheets to clean that up. The smell was always there.

 

 

She would compromise by coming over to my place 95% of the time, which over time ate away at her that I would never come over to spend time with her at her place. However, as I mentioned above. That was the reason why, so we argued, and she felt that I just didn't want the dogs around because she made those adjustments but I still didn't stay over, so she just went back to her old ways. This played out throughout the course of several months, and not too long after. We both started to build resentment for one another, and started to argue more towards the end, and she pulled the plug. Saying she didn't see a future with us anymore, and she doesn't need to change who / how she is / lives, and that we don't have common values, which she got form her therapist she went to see for a few weeks before everything ended.

 

 

That's all I can think of as to how things got to where they were. Towards the end it felt to her that nothing was compatible anymore.

 

 

Sounds like you're on the right path at 3 months of NC in. Good for you! Keep up the progress, and best of luck to you as well.

[Goodguy05]

Thanks for sharing after having been to a no. Of therapists one thing I can say is they're not perfect and they definatly aren't always on the money. I wonder was this therapist a lady by any chance? Dr phil for sure would disagree wth her therapist it's plain to see the dogs come first she will have the same issue if u dont come back together wth the next relationship. In a relationship ur partner has to come 1st absolutly for it to work that is my strong belief and I think I can back that up wth most therapists would agree. Take for instance my current ex she had kids and I felt like that sometimes 2nd best it's not a nice feeling . When they're mature enough I haven't met many woman that r sad to say they would try and re assure u at the bare least lol. Any way again wat a unfortunate situation she for sure will regret it one day maybe not now and if it happens u never wo4k out unfortunately she will learn the hard way wen her next and next relationship blows up.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Thanks for sharing after having been to a no. Of therapists one thing I can say is they're not perfect and they definatly aren't always on the money. I wonder was this therapist a lady by any chance? Dr phil for sure would disagree wth her therapist it's plain to see the dogs come first she will have the same issue if u dont come back together wth the next relationship. In a relationship ur partner has to come 1st absolutly for it to work that is my strong belief and I think I can back that up wth most therapists would agree. Take for instance my current ex she had kids and I felt like that sometimes 2nd best it's not a nice feeling . When they're mature enough I haven't met many woman that r sad to say they would try and re assure u at the bare least lol. Any way again wat a unfortunate situation she for sure will regret it one day maybe not now and if it happens u never wo4k out unfortunately she will learn the hard way wen her next and next relationship blows up.

 

 

Of course her therapist is a lady, and a dog owner herself. I do know she has been going to her throughout many years for other issues as well, but that's about all I know of the therapist.

 

 

I would agree with you that your partner has to come first, or else why are you with them? If your partner doesn't come first, are they not just a very good friend at that point?

 

 

So I ended up talking to her last night and got the following out of our conversation:

 

The conversation was pretty peaceful in my opinion. I suggested we should talk to a therapist, which she seems to be considering, but I told her that if her approach to this is "My mind is already made up" we can both save ourselves the time and me the heartache from going through this if she is unwilling to see things from a different perspective.

 

 

I found it rather unsettling and told her that within a week that we broke up she's moving right along as if this is no big deal to her. Turned out from our conversation the reason she was so busy this weekend was because she went to Las Vegas, which I knew the moment she said she was out of town. A spade is a spade. She's not really a party girl, but its rather interesting you go to Vegas right after you break up, and its a holiday weekend. Some people would say this is normal for certain people to grieve this way, while I disagree with that statement. I feel it shows the persons true character, and how little value they have for the relationship, which I mentioned to her and she got a bit defensive over it, which reassures my point about where her values are for me or this relationship. I also mentioned to her that our experiences this weekend were night and day. She was out living it up in Vegas, while I was stuck at home in a fog, rut, unable to sleep, eat, think of anything else but this. Her answer was I should see someone for that because that is not normal, which she might be right to some degree I shouldn't feel so depressed over this, but I don't think her choices are anywhere near appropriate. Am I wrong here?

 

 

I asked her why she bothered calling or talking now that the weekend is over and she has had some fun, and her answer was that she was reminded of our times in Vegas (we used to go a few times a year) and was responding to a text I sent her from Friday (before holiday weekend)

 

 

Talking to her she sounds like she's 50/50 and is only willing to attempt to work this through if a therapist sheds some light on any possibility of a future for the two of us, or are we just doomed. If the therapist says our core values are not inline (which is what her current therapist is saying) she wants to be done, and in no way does she want to get back in a relationship at this point unless the therapist is able to help get us back on track, or even point towards a possibility of a future. Is this realistic?

 

 

My suggestion was to see a therapist to be able to share both sides of our issues with someone that has more experience in this then we do, and maybe help guide things in a better direction. In NO way am I saying a therapist will fix all of our issues. However, my issue at this point is I feel like I am the one doing all the work, which again I told her, and her answer was. Yes, because we are broken up, which again sounds like she is checked out. It's like this person has no skin in the game at all. She has nothing to lose, which is completely not fair.

 

 

At this point I'm feeling like I'm doing far too much to get this thing back on track, while in return I get a half way in half way out girl only willing to return when / if the conditions are good enough for her? A girl that is openly okay with walking away and justifying her actions on going out because she is "single", not looking for anyone, but isn't wanting to sit at home feeling down about the end of her relationship, or get back into a relationship with me.

 

 

Now I'm starting to feel there isn't even a point of going to a therapist with a person like this. Why bother? It's clear that she sees herself so much better then this. Then somewhere in our conversation she has the nerve to say how she has no interest in anything that im interested in.

 

 

Is this really happening?

People like this really exist?

Suggestions?

[SevenCity]

Of course her therapist is a lady, and a dog owner herself. I do know she has been going to her throughout many years for other issues as well, but that's about all I know of the therapist.

 

 

I would agree with you that your partner has to come first, or else why are you with them? If your partner doesn't come first, are they not just a very good friend at that point?

 

 

So I ended up talking to her last night and got the following out of our conversation:

 

The conversation was pretty peaceful in my opinion. I suggested we should talk to a therapist, which she seems to be considering, but I told her that if her approach to this is "My mind is already made up" we can both save ourselves the time and me the heartache from going through this if she is unwilling to see things from a different perspective.

 

 

I found it rather unsettling and told her that within a week that we broke up she's moving right along as if this is no big deal to her. Turned out from our conversation the reason she was so busy this weekend was because she went to Las Vegas, which I knew the moment she said she was out of town. A spade is a spade. She's not really a party girl, but its rather interesting you go to Vegas right after you break up, and its a holiday weekend. Some people would say this is normal for certain people to grieve this way, while I disagree with that statement. I feel it shows the persons true character, and how little value they have for the relationship, which I mentioned to her and she got a bit defensive over it, which reassures my point about where her values are for me or this relationship. I also mentioned to her that our experiences this weekend were night and day. She was out living it up in Vegas, while I was stuck at home in a fog, rut, unable to sleep, eat, think of anything else but this. Her answer was I should see someone for that because that is not normal, which she might be right to some degree I shouldn't feel so depressed over this, but I don't think her choices are anywhere near appropriate. Am I wrong here?

 

I asked her why she bothered calling or talking now that the weekend is over and she has had some fun, and her answer was that she was reminded of our times in Vegas (we used to go a few times a year) and was responding to a text I sent her from Friday (before holiday weekend)

 

 

Talking to her she sounds like she's 50/50 and is only willing to attempt to work this through if a therapist sheds some light on any possibility of a future for the two of us, or are we just doomed. If the therapist says our core values are not inline (which is what her current therapist is saying) she wants to be done, and in no way does she want to get back in a relationship at this point unless the therapist is able to help get us back on track, or even point towards a possibility of a future. Is this realistic?

 

 

My suggestion was to see a therapist to be able to share both sides of our issues with someone that has more experience in this then we do, and maybe help guide things in a better direction. In NO way am I saying a therapist will fix all of our issues. However, my issue at this point is I feel like I am the one doing all the work, which again I told her, and her answer was. Yes, because we are broken up, which again sounds like she is checked out. It's like this person has no skin in the game at all. She has nothing to lose, which is completely not fair.

 

 

At this point I'm feeling like I'm doing far too much to get this thing back on track, while in return I get a half way in half way out girl only willing to return when / if the conditions are good enough for her? A girl that is openly okay with walking away and justifying her actions on going out because she is "single", not looking for anyone, but isn't wanting to sit at home feeling down about the end of her relationship, or get back into a relationship with me.

 

 

Now I'm starting to feel there isn't even a point of going to a therapist with a person like this. Why bother? It's clear that she sees herself so much better then this. Then somewhere in our conversation she has the nerve to say how she has no interest in anything that im interested in.

 

 

Is this really happening?

People like this really exist?

Suggestions?

 

Dude, time for tough love here.

 

You are shooting yourself in the foot. I've bolded some of the lines in your post that are showing how butt hurt you are / will push her away.

 

If I recall correctly you were miserable losing her. No? Well this is your f'in chance to fix things. I would have given a million dollars I didn't have to get this chance.

 

She is willing to see if there is a future. Granted, you would want her to be 100% invested but you've already made up your mind. If you love her as much as you said you wouldn't be saying what you posted.

 

If you feel it's not worth it, great! You saved yourself a lot of pain. But If you do you have to take her for who she is and see if you can get her to understsnd your perspective.

 

Everything you have posted puts the blame on her. Looking at the issues you were the one saying she was doing everything wrong. She felt trapped and dumped you as a result.

 

Now, she is willing to give it a shot and that's not enough? Were you happier being without her?

 

Go see a DIFFERENT therapist with her. Allow her to understand your concerns and address that she doesn't have to change but you feel by not compromising that she doesn't care about you. And she doesn't have to change - she's fine without you. Remember that.

 

If this is a deal breaker then stop talking to her. But what's worse, dealing with the dogs or not having her?

 

If a chick asked me to choose between her and my dog, guess who would win (clue: woof!).

 

But if she explained to me that how I act makes her feel unloved then I could compromise.

 

Right now she doesn't have a problem, you do. Don't F this up man. Seriously, you'll regret it.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Dude, time for tough love here.

 

You are shooting yourself in the foot. I've bolded some of the lines in your post that are showing how butt hurt you are / will push her away.

 

If I recall correctly you were miserable losing her. No? Well this is your f'in chance to fix things. I would have given a million dollars I didn't have to get this chance.

 

She is willing to see if there is a future. Granted, you would want her to be 100% invested but you've already made up your mind. If you love her as much as you said you wouldn't be saying what you posted.

 

If you feel it's not worth it, great! You saved yourself a lot of pain. But If you do you have to take her for who she is and see if you can get her to understsnd your perspective.

 

Everything you have posted puts the blame on her. Looking at the issues you were the one saying she was doing everything wrong. She felt trapped and dumped you as a result.

 

Now, she is willing to give it a shot and that's not enough? Were you happier being without her?

 

Go see a DIFFERENT therapist with her. Allow her to understand your concerns and address that she doesn't have to change but you feel by not compromising that she doesn't care about you. And she doesn't have to change - she's fine without you. Remember that.

 

If this is a deal breaker then stop talking to her. But what's worse, dealing with the dogs or not having her?

 

If a chick asked me to choose between her and my dog, guess who would win (clue: woof!).

 

But if she explained to me that how I act makes her feel unloved then I could compromise.

 

Right now she doesn't have a problem, you do. Don't F this up man. Seriously, you'll regret it.

 

 

SevenCity - Thanks for the reply.

 

 

Yes, I am very hurt about how things turned out. Concerned at how this person choose to handle the situation. Concerned about how easy it was for her to just walk away. These are legitimate concerns to me. It questions how little value she saw in this relationship. I wouldn't go as far as saying I am "butt hurt" but I am definitely hurt. As much as it hurt to go through this just a year in. This would be detrimental a few years down the line, or even if we had kids. I guess I'm trying to get some sort of reassurance that there is something there for us. I know she did sit down and talk with me, which is a step forward, but it was very wishy washy as it seemed to me.

 

 

There might be a chance to fix things, but she has to be willing to do it as well. I cant be the only one putting this back together. Again, just trying to avoid putting this back together for a temporary fix of a few months and having it come crashing down because she is not committed, or decides that she wants something else and keeps taking without any compromise. That wouldn't be fair.

 

 

I do love her, but I was a bit skeptical that's all. I have that right as I am hurt, by the very person that I thought loved me.

 

 

My last post may have sounded like I was putting all the blame on her as it was just a overview from my perspective of our conversation yesterday, but realistically all the blame is not on her. I've taken this last few days we've broken up and have done nothing but think about this. I've told her before where I feel I've made mistakes, and I've asked her to tell me where she feels I've made mistakes. Again, a relationship is supposed to be about communication and compromise when the time calls for it. NOT running off to Vegas, or ending the relationship because you didn't get your way. That seemed a bit childish to me, and scary for our future if this person handles tough situations in that way. She has not before to this degree, but this is new so I was taking that into consideration for our futures perspective.

 

 

She is willing to give it another shot because I've tried to contact her, I've tried to put together a clear path forward going to a new therapist to see if we can work out our differences. At this point, its gotten to the point where all she has to do is show up. I'm certainly not wanting to put a band aide on this, but a permanent fix. That is fair to the both of us.

 

 

Sometimes when you had someone everything and they don't work for it doesn't that person typically not have the same value for that item as a person that had to put in hard work / effort? That's exactly what I do not want to happen here again, or else I feel this same pattern will be repeated once again, but for who knows what else down the road.

 

 

I will & and definitely trying to go see a therapist with her. Again, she is still very hesitant, and isn't sure what it will do for us, but you don't know until you try, so there is no reason not too in my opinion. Once there - I would hope we can address our concerns and see if we can get the right tools to work through all this.

 

 

It's not that black and white that the dogs are in her life. I have never ever asked her to choose between me or the dogs. I have never told her to get rid of her dogs. That's not fair to her. However, that appears to be how she acts at times. I see how much she loves her dogs. The problem is how the dogs are a priority, and have no boundaries. That's what needs to be addressed. I would assume there is some sort of happy medium in all this, but there cant be if she just keeps hammering the point the dogs need to sleep in the bed and the dogs are going to continue being the end all be all. That's also not fair, nor is it in any way a compromise. Yes, you may compromise, which is the right thing to do, but there in itself lies our problem. She isn't willing to, and that needs to change.

 

 

I'm working on it. I really do want what's best for the both of us, so we can both be happy. That's what a healthy relationship is all about...

[Goodguy05]

Thx again dude for sharing and yes I certainly feel u and ur situation. My ex was bac at work today and we work together painful like rubbing salt in a wound that's trying to heal. I'm quiet confused myself about wat to do. Anyway haha this ain't about me more so to illustrate I feel ya dude. That half heartededness coming from her is because she knows ur the one trying trust me given some more time and NC tables cld turn. Ur trying and that's admirable especially wen it hurts I have no idea tho wether it'll prove fruitful for u where she's at she's 50/50 kinda leaving the door open. I hope there's no op involved in ur case and it really is just these dogs if so then at least get her to agree this time to a 2nd opinion by either u choosing a therapist or u both agreeing to a different therapist. I can assure u that therapist is being biased why? Because she knows her and loves dogs ait's obvious to me the therapist is not really saying it as it is. Try again if it doesn't set u back to much I guess I'd probably be the same wen they give u mixed signals like that. My ex made it pretty clear it was over lol by text sms and she was really big on not breaking up over text yes her true colours cam3 out in the end like they all do its almost like i dont recognise her anymore the person she is or has become. Anyway that's her journey now just gotta focus on the next move in my case. Anyway back to this i empathise wth how she's made u feel and totally get it i been there myself wen its like this all i can say is its easier to let go wen u feel uve tried everything u can yes a little humiliation but no question marks later down the track...ie should I've done this? Or that? Or only if tried this? All that's answered and taken into account wen u do ur best accept maybe feeling like **** if it does nothing anyway. It's a risk up to u dude in the end. Definatly get a different therapist. Good luck and God bless

[Goodguy05]

And ye again a therapist shouldn't have to be a means for her to see she aint compromising should come from the heart how do u feel about that? Is that something that's gonna play up in ur mind? Have a good hard think about ur next step me n u both haha

[BeyondConfused1n]

Thx again dude for sharing and yes I certainly feel u and ur situation. My ex was bac at work today and we work together painful like rubbing salt in a wound that's trying to heal. I'm quiet confused myself about wat to do. Anyway haha this ain't about me more so to illustrate I feel ya dude. That half heartededness coming from her is because she knows ur the one trying trust me given some more time and NC tables cld turn. Ur trying and that's admirable especially wen it hurts I have no idea tho wether it'll prove fruitful for u where she's at she's 50/50 kinda leaving the door open. I hope there's no op involved in ur case and it really is just these dogs if so then at least get her to agree this time to a 2nd opinion by either u choosing a therapist or u both agreeing to a different therapist. I can assure u that therapist is being biased why? Because she knows her and loves dogs ait's obvious to me the therapist is not really saying it as it is. Try again if it doesn't set u back to much I guess I'd probably be the same wen they give u mixed signals like that. My ex made it pretty clear it was over lol by text sms and she was really big on not breaking up over text yes her true colours cam3 out in the end like they all do its almost like i dont recognise her anymore the person she is or has become. Anyway that's her journey now just gotta focus on the next move in my case. Anyway back to this i empathise wth how she's made u feel and totally get it i been there myself wen its like this all i can say is its easier to let go wen u feel uve tried everything u can yes a little humiliation but no question marks later down the track...ie should I've done this? Or that? Or only if tried this? All that's answered and taken into account wen u do ur best accept maybe feeling like **** if it does nothing anyway. It's a risk up to u dude in the end. Definatly get a different therapist. Good luck and God bless

 

 

Thank you for the reply Goodguy05

 

 

That's has to be very hard to see your EX at work daily. There's no way I would be able to deal with that. I don't know how you do it.

 

 

The 50/50 thing and her approach to this to me seams a bit questionable. I asked her if there was another guy, but of course the answer to that was no. Part of going through this you lose some real core values the relationship once held. Like Trust, Bond, or commitment. That's all out the window, which may or may not ever come back. I dunno. I might be overthinking this part at this point, but its a feeling that is there.

 

 

I think she is 50 / 50 on seeing a therapist as she says she is unsure where that will lead us. She is somewhat up to finding a new therapist, but she just keeps saying she is not sure where that would put us. In my opinion - You do it and find your answer. Running from a problem never fixed a damn thing.

 

 

So my ex ended things over Text as well, which was pretty damn low in my book. Another tall tail sign of how she views all this I guess. She made it clear she didn't think we had a future and how she thought it would be best for both of us to move on and find other people, but it felt pretty low since I know a lot of our arguments were directly related to the dogs, which things got more negative as we probably both withdrew within the last month. Not totally disconnected. I mean we would still act very much like we were in a relationship, but not how we normally would be.

 

 

It's a lot of pain to bare for the person that was left behind (myself) in order to try and either pull away (NC) or try and fight for a relationship the other person may have already checked out from. Whether the right path is trying to fight for the person, or just walking away. I dunno. I'm trying to do the best I can with this, and try to exhaust everything I have before I myself check out and throw in the towel. One can only take so many hits before its time to move on...

 

 

Relying on a therapist to even entertain an idea of having our relationship already does play on my mind. Will this be a crutch that will always be needed to work out any issues that could surface in the future? Why is it that we cannot work out our difference together because we care / value / love one another? Just some thoughts, but at this point. I am willing to see what a therapist could help with. Because simply going to a therapist isn't going to fix our problems. She (I am committed obviously) has to be willing to compromise, and that's part of the reason we are here in the first place.

[Poutrew]

 

Is that normal behavior for a relationship to end over a disagreement about dogs?

 

 

 

Yes, but only if the girl you were dating was a dog. And I mean that literally, not as a joke. She identifies with the dogs, and the pack structure they represent. Mentally, she has a more intense relationship with her dogs than she could ever have with you, unless you are also a dog person, but you aren't. Not in the same way she is. The major clue was the way you described the stench in her living quarters. To her, it was just a normal smell but to you it was a stink. See, she was reacting to the smell the same way another dog would react to the smell. She probably even likes it. You reacted to the smell the way a human would react to the smell of animal spoor. I knew a girl who was this way with horses. She would be barefoot, walking ankle deep in horse manure, when she was cleaning out the stalls, and she liked it. She never completely cleaned the stuff off her feet and over time it tracked into her house and fouled up the carpet - laying a smelly track in her house like a skid mark in soiled underwear. She didn't think anything odd about it. She also claimed to understand her horses better than any human, and claimed they were superior to most people who couldn't understand the 'spiritual' aspects of the animals.... needles to say, it was only a single non-intimate date for me to learn how much of a horse person I wasn't. Consider her out of your life as a good thing...

Edited February 23, 2017 by Poutrew

[SevenCity]

SevenCity - Thanks for the reply.

 

 

Yes, I am very hurt about how things turned out. Concerned at how this person choose to handle the situation. Concerned about how easy it was for her to just walk away. These are legitimate concerns to me. It questions how little value she saw in this relationship. I wouldn't go as far as saying I am "butt hurt" but I am definitely hurt. As much as it hurt to go through this just a year in. This would be detrimental a few years down the line, or even if we had kids. I guess I'm trying to get some sort of reassurance that there is something there for us. I know she did sit down and talk with me, which is a step forward, but it was very wishy washy as it seemed to me.

 

 

There might be a chance to fix things, but she has to be willing to do it as well. I cant be the only one putting this back together. Again, just trying to avoid putting this back together for a temporary fix of a few months and having it come crashing down because she is not committed, or decides that she wants something else and keeps taking without any compromise. That wouldn't be fair.

 

 

I do love her, but I was a bit skeptical that's all. I have that right as I am hurt, by the very person that I thought loved me.

 

 

My last post may have sounded like I was putting all the blame on her as it was just a overview from my perspective of our conversation yesterday, but realistically all the blame is not on her. I've taken this last few days we've broken up and have done nothing but think about this. I've told her before where I feel I've made mistakes, and I've asked her to tell me where she feels I've made mistakes. Again, a relationship is supposed to be about communication and compromise when the time calls for it. NOT running off to Vegas, or ending the relationship because you didn't get your way. That seemed a bit childish to me, and scary for our future if this person handles tough situations in that way. She has not before to this degree, but this is new so I was taking that into consideration for our futures perspective.

 

 

She is willing to give it another shot because I've tried to contact her, I've tried to put together a clear path forward going to a new therapist to see if we can work out our differences. At this point, its gotten to the point where all she has to do is show up. I'm certainly not wanting to put a band aide on this, but a permanent fix. That is fair to the both of us.

 

 

Sometimes when you had someone everything and they don't work for it doesn't that person typically not have the same value for that item as a person that had to put in hard work / effort? That's exactly what I do not want to happen here again, or else I feel this same pattern will be repeated once again, but for who knows what else down the road.

 

 

I will & and definitely trying to go see a therapist with her. Again, she is still very hesitant, and isn't sure what it will do for us, but you don't know until you try, so there is no reason not too in my opinion. Once there - I would hope we can address our concerns and see if we can get the right tools to work through all this.

 

 

It's not that black and white that the dogs are in her life. I have never ever asked her to choose between me or the dogs. I have never told her to get rid of her dogs. That's not fair to her. However, that appears to be how she acts at times. I see how much she loves her dogs. The problem is how the dogs are a priority, and have no boundaries. That's what needs to be addressed. I would assume there is some sort of happy medium in all this, but there cant be if she just keeps hammering the point the dogs need to sleep in the bed and the dogs are going to continue being the end all be all. That's also not fair, nor is it in any way a compromise. Yes, you may compromise, which is the right thing to do, but there in itself lies our problem. She isn't willing to, and that needs to change.

 

 

I'm working on it. I really do want what's best for the both of us, so we can both be happy. That's what a healthy relationship is all about...

 

Ok that adds some additional clarity. You have every right to be hurt and expect her to put in effort.

 

I went through the same with my ex in the first month. I didn't feel like she was trying at all so I was about to end things and then something changed in her and she started putting in more effort.

 

This went on for another two months and I pushed for reconciliation. That's when she ended it for good.

 

That was a rough 3 months of up and down hell. I likely would have done better if I didn't push the issue but I couldn't continue like we were anymore.

 

The lack of her putting in effort makes me feel like you should just quit and save yourself the pain. But that's up to you.

 

I still feel you have to look at your part in this though. You are expecting her to change and she resents you for it. My situation was different.

[WomenWubber]

There are certain things people will not compromise on no matter what dude. It's what we call a dealbreaker and it seems your situation is an example of that. You could reach a middle ground if you negotiate, but that would be a deal that isn't ideal for neither of you. There will be resentment from both sides and you will have to learn to cope with this together.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Yes, but only if the girl you were dating was a dog. And I mean that literally, not as a joke. She identifies with the dogs, and the pack structure they represent. Mentally, she has a more intense relationship with her dogs than she could ever have with you, unless you are also a dog person, but you aren't. Not in the same way she is. The major clue was the way you described the stench in her living quarters. To her, it was just a normal smell but to you it was a stink. See, she was reacting to the smell the same way another dog would react to the smell. She probably even likes it. You reacted to the smell the way a human would react to the smell of animal spoor. I knew a girl who was this way with horses. She would be barefoot, walking ankle deep in horse manure, when she was cleaning out the stalls, and she liked it. She never completely cleaned the stuff off her feet and over time it tracked into her house and fouled up the carpet - laying a smelly track in her house like a skid mark in soiled underwear. She didn't think anything odd about it. She also claimed to understand her horses better than any human, and claimed they were superior to most people who couldn't understand the 'spiritual' aspects of the animals.... needles to say, it was only a single non-intimate date for me to learn how much of a horse person I wasn't. Consider her out of your life as a good thing...

 

 

Thanks for the reply Poutrew.

 

 

As you pointed out. I've felt her relationship with the dogs are of more value to her than I am, which when I raised concern to her about it. She would deny it, but actions speak louder than words do. And when you see your partner give so much to the dogs, but not equally to the relationship. For me. I guess that may have built resentment over time.

 

 

Regarding your story with the horse person - That's totally inappropriate on her part, and an extremity, which I would guess your typical horse owner / lover would not partake in or even agree with. I could be wrong, but that's my opinion. In your case. You absolutely made the right decision to walk away. Run away.

 

 

As for her being out of my life... That's tough to say. At the rate we were headed and the place we ended up at. Probably so, because without any change there is no different outcome.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Ok that adds some additional clarity. You have every right to be hurt and expect her to put in effort.

 

I went through the same with my ex in the first month. I didn't feel like she was trying at all so I was about to end things and then something changed in her and she started putting in more effort.

 

This went on for another two months and I pushed for reconciliation. That's when she ended it for good.

 

That was a rough 3 months of up and down hell. I likely would have done better if I didn't push the issue but I couldn't continue like we were anymore.

 

The lack of her putting in effort makes me feel like you should just quit and save yourself the pain. But that's up to you.

 

I still feel you have to look at your part in this though. You are expecting her to change and she resents you for it. My situation was different.

 

SevenCity - Thanks for the reply, and sharing your story.

 

 

Anytime there a person feels they are putting in more effort than their partner that over time will start to cause friction. There's just no way around that. A relationship has to be mutual, and give and take equally. I would have done the same thing you did and try to push for reconciliation, much like I am doing now, but it has to be equal from both sides. If it's not. You just get the same result as you already had gotten. I'm sure it was painful for you, much like it is for me right now, but at the end of the day. At least you could say you did what you could and it still ended. At that point. There's no looking back. No going back.

 

 

The lack of her putting in the effort to me is a big red flag at this point. If I have another conversation with her, and we cant seem to come to a mutual agreement of how we can try to move forward. With therapy included. At some point. I will need to throw in the towel as well.

 

 

I am trying to look at this from both persons point of views. Not sure how related this example is, but if I was a smoker for the last 20 years (I am not) and I started dating this girl that did not like it, but tolerated it, and after a year we were fighting over it more frequently. I too would have a choice to make. Walk away from the relationship over smoking and my refusing to stop smoking, or find a compromise that works for the both of us. Maybe I don't smoke around here at all, or finally. Stop smoking altogether because I really do love this person and wouldn't want to lose her. Is smoking the same as a dog. No obviously it is not, but the point was that smoking is something that person has done, does, obviously loves doing it and would need to compromise to keep their relationship going. IF they cared enough about the relationship to begin with.