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Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 4th March 2017, 7:26 AM   #31
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I'm having a hard time this morning. My heart feels like there's a void, an emptiness;I 'm low on hope, I don't understand why I'm not just as deserving of love. How have I been so stupid or blind to not see this? It feels difficult to breathe.
I'm sorry you're hurting. It would sound like I'm trivializing your feelings by saying it's normal but you're suffering a loss. You're grieving. I want you to remember that it won't always be this way. Just stay with what you're feeling and let it pass, because it will.

He has left a void. And you're feeling that hole in your heart. There's no denying that when someone leaves, they've taken a part of us. But you'll get that back.

We're all deserving of love. Sometimes we don't get to find it in someone else. And that's okay.

It's not just happening to you. I think most of us on LS have felt that despondency. But I promise you that when this pain has lifted, you'll begin to see hope again.

Try to get out of bed. One step at a time. One little goal at a time.

PS: check your email.
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Old 5th March 2017, 11:10 AM   #32
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I'm sorry you're hurting. It would sound like I'm trivializing your feelings by saying it's normal but you're suffering a loss. You're grieving. I want you to remember that it won't always be this way. Just stay with what you're feeling and let it pass, because it will.

He has left a void. And you're feeling that hole in your heart. There's no denying that when someone leaves, they've taken a part of us. But you'll get that back.

We're all deserving of love. Sometimes we don't get to find it in someone else. And that's okay.

It's not just happening to you. I think most of us on LS have felt that despondency. But I promise you that when this pain has lifted, you'll begin to see hope again.

Try to get out of bed. One step at a time. One little goal at a time.

PS: check your email.
Thank you, Z.

I made it through the day ... it was extremely busy, which helped. Today, not so much. I know I will get through this, I do. I know this happens to most everyone, at some point in their lives, sometimes multiple times in their lives. And I am not at all minimizing everyone's experiences - it is painful as hell for all. I guess I just feel sorry for myself, that after all I have been through, I thought this could be someone I spent the rest of my life with. Ugh, so cheesy.

****************

So today's update ... I plan on doing some spring cleaning. Whenever I get some energy. I feel so drained all the time, it's frustrating. I have a lot of projects I want to do ... paint and redecorate the kid's bathroom, declutter some areas, throw stuff away. Getting moving is the problem ...

I miss his family, and the time we spent together as 'family' ... hanging out in the backyard playing yard games and barbecuing, taking a day trip to visit a historic site, going to a museum. I never had that with my own family, which probably makes this all that much more of a loss.

His mom was at his house in last night's dream. The details are now fuzzy, which I m grateful for. I know it wasn't a pleasant dream, we were breaking up/broken up. Then again, no dreams with him in them are pleasant right now - the good ones where nothing is wrong are equally, if not more so, heartbreaking.

I hate that I still even care.

Last edited by newheart; 5th March 2017 at 11:12 AM..
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Old 6th March 2017, 10:38 AM   #33
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I woke up at 5:21 am from a dream in which the exact thing that caused (well, probably not caused but the final straw) our breakup happened. He had canceled seeing me on a Thursday night, and I said it was fine, we'd get together Friday and do x, y, z. Then suddenly it's Friday, and he's again telling me (via text) that he isn't seeing me, that I was too busy and he had something else to do anyway. I was trying to tell him that I wasn't too busy, that I had made these plans including him, but it didn't matter ... he didn't care. He didn't want to see me. The fear, the pain, the emptiness all comes back.

And then I woke up and realized this will always stay with me. As if I need yet another flaw in my ability to relate to or connect with others ... that now, in addition to my abandonment issues, every time someone cancels plans, I am going to believe this is the end. I know myself, and I won't be able to shake this. I will move on, I will superficially 'heal', but I will never really recover.

I fell in love with someone who so easily neglected me and walked away like it was nothing, despite how hard I worked to allow myself to be vulnerable for the first time in my life. He said it was not an easy decision - of course it was. He didn't even have to say anything. Silence, a text, and he's gone.

I also lay there this morning, realizing that I have to come to terms that sometimes, people just don't get the whole package in life. I am fortunate, I have many things I never dreamed I'd have: I was homeless during a period in my childhood, I now own my own home. I grew up hungry, witnessing daily domestic violence and substance abuse. I have created a life for my children in which they'd never experience those horrific things. I grew up with a mom who never asked how school was, who made me miss days to keep her company when her partner was off on a binge, who made me drink with her to keep her company, in a household where the word college was never, ever discussed. Yet, I got my degree as an adult and worked my way up the ladder. I have truly wonderful children, really great kids, and I feel blessed.

The one thing I could never succeed at was finding someone I loved, who loved me, to share this all with. And maybe it really isn't meant to happen. Maybe I need to be grateful for all that I have.

I am exhausted. I put on a happy face and go through my work day, and work is stressful, but I know I am not performing at 100%. Then I get home and there isn't much left for my kids. Each day I say I am going to take better care of myself, and I don't. I am just tired.
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Old 6th March 2017, 4:04 PM   #34
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I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad newheart. I had a very similar childhood to yours and I have done well at my job by climbing up the ladder as well so I can relate to your feeling of self worth. I also have abandonment issues and it has caused me to be very insecure when it comes to my relationships.
I know how it feels to believe that you're not worthy of love, because deep down I think I still feel the same way. I try hard every day to tell myself
how amazing I am, it works better some days than others but I'll never stop trying!

I went through a really bad break-up 2 1/2 years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. Even now I can't think about how bad I felt at that time because I'm worried that the bottomless feeling in my heart will come back again. When someone walks away so easily, it takes a big toll on your self worth and ego. It took me 2 months to feel normal and 3 months to finally feel a moment of happiness and freedom. You will get there, I know after that first moment of freedom, I had setbacks but it slowly got better from there. Keep on writing here everyday, I used to keep a journal at work in a word document and it was probably 40 pages at the end of it. It was extremely therapeutic for me. I hope you have a dreamless night tonight *hugs*
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Old 7th March 2017, 8:23 AM   #35
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I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad newheart. I had a very similar childhood to yours and I have done well at my job by climbing up the ladder as well so I can relate to your feeling of self worth. I also have abandonment issues and it has caused me to be very insecure when it comes to my relationships.
I know how it feels to believe that you're not worthy of love, because deep down I think I still feel the same way. I try hard every day to tell myself
how amazing I am, it works better some days than others but I'll never stop trying!

I went through a really bad break-up 2 1/2 years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. Even now I can't think about how bad I felt at that time because I'm worried that the bottomless feeling in my heart will come back again. When someone walks away so easily, it takes a big toll on your self worth and ego. It took me 2 months to feel normal and 3 months to finally feel a moment of happiness and freedom. You will get there, I know after that first moment of freedom, I had setbacks but it slowly got better from there. Keep on writing here everyday, I used to keep a journal at work in a word document and it was probably 40 pages at the end of it. It was extremely therapeutic for me. I hope you have a dreamless night tonight *hugs*
Thank you, Kellens. I am sorry you've had a similar past. I do think it makes it more difficult for us to heal, probably more because it takes so much more effort to become invested, to let someone in. For me, at least. Thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate it!
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Old 7th March 2017, 8:50 AM   #36
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I slept better last night. Not dreamless, but nothing of substance that I recall, nothing to make me wake up heartbroken.

Today is one month since we last had our last regular conversation. 2 hours on the phone catching up about work since I hadn't seen him in a few days, made plans for the following day (the ones he subsequently canceled). The last time I heard his voice when everything was okay.

I realize I pulled more than my own weight in this relationship. I was 'blinded by love' (sounds so damn stupid, but I don't know how else to put it) so I didn't mind constantly going above and beyond. I thought it was what you did when you loved someone. I didn't notice the imbalance, because I never paused to really see what would happen if I stood still for a moment.

Until I was faced with the fact that given a choice, he'd opt to not make any effort at all.

I don't think he had any clue of the work that went into taking care of a family and household, but also making time for him. It was like running around living two lives, so much so that amidst my heartbreak, there was a moment that I acknowledged a little relief, a reprieve from this double life I had allowed myself to fall into. I can't fall into that trap again.

Some lessons I have learned so far for myself:

1. Communicate clearly, communicate often. Don't wait for the right moment and let three months go by, planning how and when to have a conversation.
2. If something makes you feel uneasy, there is something behind this feeling. Listen to your gut.
3. Do wait before introducing kids, like I had, but at some point recognize that if you fail to be able to integrate our lives together, it isn't going to miraculously change.
4. When you love someone, just say it. This may be an odd lesson coming out of a relationship, but there were times early on where I was afraid to respond to him or afraid to tell him how I felt. If I never feel that way again about someone, I might have missed the boat on this experience.
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Old 7th March 2017, 11:27 AM   #37
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Hi Newheart-

I’m glad your dreams were a bit better. It’s a stumbling block for me too- the dreams.

I had unexpected house guests over the weekend- so that was a distraction.

One area that I have been thinking about is how “unfair” it seems at times. I have been struggling- moving ahead, yes- but struggling. Missing him still so badly at times. I know he is not struggling the same way. He’s a very “live in the moment” type of person- doesn’t look back very much, and doesn’t think about the future. He has a million friends and projects, loves going out, loves getting out of town at a minute’s notice, etc. I live a quieter life, which just leaves much more room for thinking about stuff, missing him, etc. I just have to keep telling myself I was very happy before I met him, and I can be happy again.

I have been reaching out to some out of town friends, and have made some plans for a few visits with them this summer, so that will be good. I actually bought some plane tickets last night for a trip in June, and it felt good to do that.

So, I’m pressing ahead. I am OK most of the time now. Every once in while it hits me like a punch to the gut- I am never going to see him or talk to him again. It seems so ridiculous and just not “right” somehow. But from reading the stories on here that seems like a pretty normal reaction.

I see you are thinking about what you were doing a month ago, relationship-wise. I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago. It’s hard, because last spring was when things really seemed to “click” for us. I had some doubts in the beginning, due to lifestyle differences, his lack of long-term commitments, etc., but last spring things really seemed to fall into place and we both seemed 100% committed and in love. Sigh. I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it, in a weird way.

One thing I truly regret is that last email I sent to him. It was a long, pour my heart out kind of thing. I talked about mistakes I had made, how I felt about some mistakes he had made, and said we should not give up without trying to work through things. I told him to contact me when he wanted to talk. I feel by sending that I have opened myself up to a world of hurt. I feel like I will either eventually receive some response full of “I’m sorry but…” or just never get a response. I don’t know which is worse. At this point I would rather not receive a response, because I could not bear to read the platitudes, but on the other hand, who doesn’t at least respond to something like that? Something to talk about in therapy, I guess, lol.

I love your list of lessons learned. I think that is a healthy way to think about things!
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Old 7th March 2017, 4:32 PM   #38
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Love this thread, NewHeart and Jenny, you both are so thoughtful.

I read somewhere to think of three things you would like someone who loved you to do every day and then do them yourself. I've been giving it a whirl, and it's pretty cool!

Interestingly, none of them are things that I actually asked the men I've been interested in to do. Why am I surprised/not surprised . . . They're actually all things they've been historically bad at doing! (Supporting my diet, encouraging my writing, encouraging improvement at work.)
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Old 8th March 2017, 8:37 AM   #39
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Love this thread, NewHeart and Jenny, you both are so thoughtful.

I read somewhere to think of three things you would like someone who loved you to do every day and then do them yourself. I've been giving it a whirl, and it's pretty cool!

Interestingly, none of them are things that I actually asked the men I've been interested in to do. Why am I surprised/not surprised . . . They're actually all things they've been historically bad at doing! (Supporting my diet, encouraging my writing, encouraging improvement at work.)
Thank you, lovely! That is sweet ... feel free to keep reading and join in!

Thank you for the suggestion. Maybe eventually I will be able to do this ... sadly, the only thing I can think of that I really wanted someone to do for me is to just be with me, physically and emotionally.
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Old 8th March 2017, 9:08 AM   #40
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Hi Newheart-

I’m glad your dreams were a bit better. It’s a stumbling block for me too- the dreams.

I had unexpected house guests over the weekend- so that was a distraction.

One area that I have been thinking about is how “unfair” it seems at times. I have been struggling- moving ahead, yes- but struggling. Missing him still so badly at times. I know he is not struggling the same way. He’s a very “live in the moment” type of person- doesn’t look back very much, and doesn’t think about the future. He has a million friends and projects, loves going out, loves getting out of town at a minute’s notice, etc. I live a quieter life, which just leaves much more room for thinking about stuff, missing him, etc. I just have to keep telling myself I was very happy before I met him, and I can be happy again.

I have been reaching out to some out of town friends, and have made some plans for a few visits with them this summer, so that will be good. I actually bought some plane tickets last night for a trip in June, and it felt good to do that.

So, I’m pressing ahead. I am OK most of the time now. Every once in while it hits me like a punch to the gut- I am never going to see him or talk to him again. It seems so ridiculous and just not “right” somehow. But from reading the stories on here that seems like a pretty normal reaction.

I see you are thinking about what you were doing a month ago, relationship-wise. I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago. It’s hard, because last spring was when things really seemed to “click” for us. I had some doubts in the beginning, due to lifestyle differences, his lack of long-term commitments, etc., but last spring things really seemed to fall into place and we both seemed 100% committed and in love. Sigh. I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it, in a weird way.

One thing I truly regret is that last email I sent to him. It was a long, pour my heart out kind of thing. I talked about mistakes I had made, how I felt about some mistakes he had made, and said we should not give up without trying to work through things. I told him to contact me when he wanted to talk. I feel by sending that I have opened myself up to a world of hurt. I feel like I will either eventually receive some response full of “I’m sorry but…” or just never get a response. I don’t know which is worse. At this point I would rather not receive a response, because I could not bear to read the platitudes, but on the other hand, who doesn’t at least respond to something like that? Something to talk about in therapy, I guess, lol.

I love your list of lessons learned. I think that is a healthy way to think about things!
Hi Jenny,

How was your session yesterday? I hope you had another productive one!

I do the one year thing too, but for now I think I am too close, it is all too recent so I am stuck on the month. But one year ago was when he first said ILY, and I just can't think about that right now. One month ago today was when our relationship ended. Well, to me at least, the night he canceled and shut me out again.

I can relate to you feeling it is unfair. I am positive my XBF has also not been affected in the same manner. He was (is) an introvert and not the same socially as your X, but seems to similarly lack the deep connection or is able to disconnect and ignore quickly. When we got into the argument in October, he refused to speak to me and until I picked up my belongings and left him a letter three weeks later, he didn't have a clue what the hell we were fighting over because he never let me explain. He fully planned on just never speaking to me again. Although we reconciled after he read the letter and realized he had screwed everything up, it was always in the back of my head that he wasn't emotionally invested in this relationship as me. And not just me - I see a pattern from how he described his marriage and past relationship. He was broken, and knowing his past, I allowed that to become an excuse to settle for less than I deserved.

I know he isn't suffering the way I am, as you say your ex may not be either, but the flip side is this: they probably also don't have the ability to deeply love someone, and that is their loss.

I am sorry you regret sending him the email - I can honestly say that you and Zahara saved me from doing the same thing last week when I drove past him on my commute. (more on that in a moment) It bothers me though, I still have questions and I am still confused on what happened, though it doesn't matter. Anyway, I can imagine the anxiety of leaving that open ended, and I totally get preferring to have no response. Can you block his email address? This way, if he does respond, he will get the message that the email doesn't exist and will understand that his response is no longer relevant. I know, I know how hard that is to do.

On a positive note, I again passed him this morning. While sad, I didn't have the same reaction as last week where I was a mess. I wonder what he thinks when he sees me. Anyway, in a couple days his office hours change and I won't pass him on the morning commute again for months.

One day at a time ...
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Old 9th March 2017, 8:08 AM   #41
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Despite seeing him and yesterday being the 1 month anniversary of everything, I thought I had an okay day and decided to try the night out without any sleep aids. I have had two nights without XBF dreams, so I thought it was good to go.

Until 5 am when I awoke from a dream in which I watched from the street as he remarried his ex wife, family all around happy and hugging them. My BFF and her husband were in attendance. His ex wife looked gorgeous ... they looked happy. In my dream, it was exactly one week since we broke up, and he was getting married. I don't need to elaborate on how that made me feel.

Back to unisom.
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Old 10th March 2017, 12:53 PM   #42
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Hi Newhart-

I'm glad to hear that seeing your ex on the road wasn't as painful this time. Small steps.

My 2nd therapy session went well. Not quite as much crying

I wanted to work on getting out of this cycle of thinking and re-thinking everything. Her thoughts were that interesting. She said that when we are suffering, the "lizard" part of our brain is like - "OK. I must figure out exactly why this happened so it never happens again." So, it goes over and over the same things, trying to figure everything out and make sense of it all so it won't happen again. But our higher functioning self realizes that not everything (especially when it comes to other people's behavior) is explainable, makes sense, etc. She feels like I have a pretty firm grasp on why this relationship failed, and then when I start going down the ruminating on the relationship trail, I think or say "I have learned all the lessons I am going to from analyzing this relationship."

We also talked about my boundaries, and why I feel so stupid for getting involved with a man whose life style was so different from mine. She said I can't evaluate the choices made 18 months or a year ago with the information I have now. It's not fair to myself. Yes, there were red flags, but when you are casually dating someone, and getting tons of positive stuff from them, you don't know the seriousness of those flags. We talked about points at 9 months, a year in, when I probably should have done some serious re-evaluation.

We also talked about how I still feel so ugh about the final email I sent. She was like "Eh. I work with people on their relationships all day. Sending a single email a few weeks after the relationship ended doesn't even register on the scale for me. It's not inappropraite. If you hadn't sent it, you might be consumed with thoughts of 'does he know that I didn't want this?'

So I really do have to let that go.

Finally, we talked about sleep, and how I am not getting enough of it and it's making me off-kilter. So I have implemented a new "sleep hygiene" regime. Warm shower before bed, back to using my clock radio as an alarm and leaving my cell phone charging downstairs, doing a 10 minute meditation before I go to bed. It's helping so far. I've gotten a couple of good nights sleep and feel much more stable, emotionally.

Hope you are doing well!! (hugs)
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Old 12th March 2017, 3:50 PM   #43
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Hi Newhart-

I'm glad to hear that seeing your ex on the road wasn't as painful this time. Small steps.

My 2nd therapy session went well. Not quite as much crying

I wanted to work on getting out of this cycle of thinking and re-thinking everything. Her thoughts were that interesting. She said that when we are suffering, the "lizard" part of our brain is like - "OK. I must figure out exactly why this happened so it never happens again." So, it goes over and over the same things, trying to figure everything out and make sense of it all so it won't happen again. But our higher functioning self realizes that not everything (especially when it comes to other people's behavior) is explainable, makes sense, etc. She feels like I have a pretty firm grasp on why this relationship failed, and then when I start going down the ruminating on the relationship trail, I think or say "I have learned all the lessons I am going to from analyzing this relationship."

We also talked about my boundaries, and why I feel so stupid for getting involved with a man whose life style was so different from mine. She said I can't evaluate the choices made 18 months or a year ago with the information I have now. It's not fair to myself. Yes, there were red flags, but when you are casually dating someone, and getting tons of positive stuff from them, you don't know the seriousness of those flags. We talked about points at 9 months, a year in, when I probably should have done some serious re-evaluation.

We also talked about how I still feel so ugh about the final email I sent. She was like "Eh. I work with people on their relationships all day. Sending a single email a few weeks after the relationship ended doesn't even register on the scale for me. It's not inappropraite. If you hadn't sent it, you might be consumed with thoughts of 'does he know that I didn't want this?'

So I really do have to let that go.

Finally, we talked about sleep, and how I am not getting enough of it and it's making me off-kilter. So I have implemented a new "sleep hygiene" regime. Warm shower before bed, back to using my clock radio as an alarm and leaving my cell phone charging downstairs, doing a 10 minute meditation before I go to bed. It's helping so far. I've gotten a couple of good nights sleep and feel much more stable, emotionally.

Hope you are doing well!! (hugs)
Hi Jenny,

I feel like you have found a great therapist - heck, I am learning from her just based on what you are sharing here! I have felt for some time, even before my breakup, that I had maximized all I'd get from my therapist and I may need to consider a new one. I felt like my progress had stalled, we sat gossiping like girlfriends about my relationship, analyzing my XBF's behavior more than my own. That is never a good sign.

I am not doing well with the analyzing ... some days I am okay, some days I am not. I have to remember this as well.

I don't know, I had a good Friday, then Saturday started off okay and ended not great with multiple ex dreams in which I kept waking up. Blah. I was in bed 12 hours and I still feel exhausted (I didn't sleep all of those hours - I lost track of how many times I woke up and laid there).

The tears are definitely fewer. Sometimes, I even feel a glimmer of hope for my future. Today, I am missing him.

Maybe I will try to steal your sleep routine, lol.
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Old 13th March 2017, 9:17 AM   #44
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Ugh, so tired this morning. After so many hours of sleep Fri and Sat, I just couldn't sleep last night.

A year ago, I sent him a cookie bouquet for St. Patrick's Day - shamrock and leprechaun cookies, with a card that said "so lucky to have you" ... I thought it was cute, being that we were both Irish. I really felt lucky, I said it to him often, we both said that often. I've read that many D/As can feign their way through the first 6 months, the honeymoon period. That was certainly true in his case ... until suddenly he refused to communicate. It went from missing me and being so happy with me, to needing his independence yet simultaneously, me not being available enough? Of course I couldn't make this work, he couldn't express what he wanted or needed but held me to his unspoken expectations. When he wanted to see me more, I made every effort to be there mid week, weekends, a couple times on the weekends when I couldn't stay over. But then suddenly he felt obligated to be available when I was, and then it is over. No discussion, no compromise, no effort. He just 'didn't think he was what I needed' - and he was right about that, but for different reasons.

9 or so hours until I can go back home again. There's an impending snowstorm, and as much as I don't want to shovel snow, I am looking forward to possibly being snowed in tomorrow, sigh. I am so tired.
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Old 13th March 2017, 8:52 PM   #45
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Ugh, so tired this morning. After so many hours of sleep Fri and Sat, I just couldn't sleep last night.

A year ago, I sent him a cookie bouquet for St. Patrick's Day - shamrock and leprechaun cookies, with a card that said "so lucky to have you" ... I thought it was cute, being that we were both Irish. I really felt lucky, I said it to him often, we both said that often. I've read that many D/As can feign their way through the first 6 months, the honeymoon period. That was certainly true in his case ... until suddenly he refused to communicate. It went from missing me and being so happy with me, to needing his independence yet simultaneously, me not being available enough? Of course I couldn't make this work, he couldn't express what he wanted or needed but held me to his unspoken expectations. When he wanted to see me more, I made every effort to be there mid week, weekends, a couple times on the weekends when I couldn't stay over. But then suddenly he felt obligated to be available when I was, and then it is over. No discussion, no compromise, no effort. He just 'didn't think he was what I needed' - and he was right about that, but for different reasons.

9 or so hours until I can go back home again. There's an impending snowstorm, and as much as I don't want to shovel snow, I am looking forward to possibly being snowed in tomorrow, sigh. I am so tired.

Just thought I'd poke my head in and thank you for this journal. It has been tremendously helpful to me during a blindsided breakup.

I wrote about it here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...-contact-my-ex

How it's been helpful has been most unusual.

Reading about your journey allows me to let myself off the hook for a while and not join you in that awful, mournful, place. Wanting to reach into the monitor and pull you out of that situation allows me to do it for myself. I hope that soon you are able to allow yourself vacations from your heartache as well.

The pain will recede. It always does.
__________________
An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.
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