LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

A place for me to write


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree104Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th February 2017, 12:32 PM   #1
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
A place for me to write

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone, but I figured I'd start my own thread to just write each day as I heal (hopefully, lol). I need an outlet. I need to be able to say what is on my mind, no matter how sad or silly, reasonable or unreasonable.

It has been 11 days since I last heard his voice, 12 days since we had a real phone conversation, 18 days since I sat by his side, held his hand, kissed his lips. 6 days since any texts were sent, but that was only the final goodbye which was already imminent anyway, 10 days since a non-relationship topic text was sent (HBD). In 3 days, was our tickets to a show for my birthday. I wonder what he has done with them, sold them I hope to recoup some of the cost.

The anger has left me. It sucks. I'd rather be angry; it is easier to believe I deserve better and just be mad at him. I think about last year's birthday card and Valentine's Day card he wrote me - I know exactly where they are tucked away, and I have thought of pulling them out to read them, but I think I'd break.

With the anger gone, I wonder what I could have done differently. That Thursday night before all of this, he thought I was coming over and I didn't know he was home from work waiting, if I had gone to see him anyway - would we be in a different place right now? As crazy as it sounds, I think we would have. If I went to see him Thursday, maybe he wouldn't have felt that I "wedged him into" my plans Saturday, he wouldn't have canceled. Or canceled near my birthday. Or maybe it was none of this at all, maybe he just has realized he does not love me.

But in the end, I guess it all comes down to - I am still not a mind reader. I never knew what he wanted or needed from me, and God, I loved him so much, I would have given it to him if only I had known. But I can't play this guessing game my whole life. And if not this month that this would have happened, it would have come up again if he didn't learn how to talk to me.

What if I said the wrong thing in my final text to him? I mean, it is terrible enough that we said goodbye in a text, and we've never been successful in communicating via text. What if he realizes he made a mistake, but won't reach out to make it right because of what I said? I guess it is for the best ... but there are so many what ifs.

I am sitting at my desk at home on my laptop ... I don't use this often, usually on my phone somewhere or at work. But next to me is a little gift book I had bought him, "Me Without You." I had thought it was cute - I was going to tuck it into his luggage with a note when he was on a business trip last spring. I didn't, I lost my nerve. I don't know why. It's been sitting here ever since. Not that it matters I guess ... I made him the "open when" letters for our one year anniversary, and last I saw, they were sitting unopened in a bag of his belongings from October. I don't even know if he realizes they are there, but I can't imagine how he doesn't. I don't get that about him.

He bought tickets for us to take his parents to a concert of an older singer in June ... of course, most of his songs are about love and heartbreak, so now I sit here torturing myself with them.

I am looking forward to a night's sleep where I don't dream about him.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th February 2017, 2:49 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Center of it all
Posts: 456
Awwww. best of luck to you sweetie!! I may eventually do what you are doing and just start a "journal" on here. I have so many secrets and I have to vent to someone soon....but it could never be anyone I know. Ever!!
Life lessons is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th February 2017, 3:24 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 197
I will admit I didn't read all your post, but I'll say, it will get better. Give it time. And yes this LS community can be a good thing, a place where people are going through similar things and can be alibis, support in being a dumpee.
__________________
Dating. It's a no from me.

"...and for once it might be grand to have someone understand..." - Beauty and the Beast
MeadowFlower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th February 2017, 5:23 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Life lessons View Post
Awwww. best of luck to you sweetie!! I may eventually do what you are doing and just start a "journal" on here. I have so many secrets and I have to vent to someone soon....but it could never be anyone I know. Ever!!
I understand your pain, I feel the same. So many thoughts and no one to tell them to
Jagged100 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2017, 8:39 AM   #5
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
When do the dreams stop? I wonder if there is something I can do ... I tried taking a sleep aid, tried without. I am usually exhausted, but then I sleep for a few hours, wake from a dream that included him, and end up not being able to fall back asleep for a few more hours. Last night I actually slept relatively well, but he was in two dreams. One, a family gathering at his house, hanging out with his family like usual. There was a baby there that I didn't recognize, but we were taking care of him. I kissed him goodbye, he told me to call him when I got home. We made plans for the following day. Really benign stuff, but almost making it more painful. He had a cameo appearance in another dream too, but I don't remember that one. At least it wasn't the dream saying ILY, or reconciling over breakfast, like a few days ago.

I wish we had a fight, some disagreement, some insurmountable difference that we both acknowledged to make this easier. Of course, there obviously was an insurmountable difference I just didn't know about ... or I did, I do ... it's the communication, I just thought we had taken care of that.

A good friend of mine thinks that right now, I am focusing on all of the really wonderful parts of the relationship, mostly in the first nine months or so, and that I wasn't as happy as I really think I was in my current mindset. That may be true ... there were other things that bothered me, but nothing ever that I thought were huge issues ... mostly things that were created as a result of our time apart which I thought would eventually resolve itself. I honestly thought that we'd live together in a few years when my kids graduated. I literally just laughed out loud to myself ... I guess I should have shared that plan with him, huh? Maybe I am losing it.

Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love me the way I thought he did, as painful as that is to write. It still doesn't seem true, though.

In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter, whether he lacked love or whether it was his inner demons he cannot conquer to be in a relationship, all that matters is I wasn't getting what I deserved. I kept trying, and trying. I bent over backwards to please him, not knowing what it was he even wanted from me, and I missed the mark. I sold myself short while doing so, put my own needs to the side figuring one day it would all work out, one day I'd fall asleep next to him every night.

This just means there is something better out there for me.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2017, 9:55 AM   #6
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
I just miss him terribly.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2017, 11:14 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 777
After 2 or 3 mths it starts to get manageable well for me anyway not over it but it's more controlled so to speak im not sure wat happenned between u i understand or i can see ur writings com8ng from the heart sometimes a relationship needs a hero but wthout details I couldn't really give u my opinion nor others on here anyway big hug and it was a nice piece from the heart
newheart likes this.
Goodguy05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2017, 2:47 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 155
Really sensitive post. You captured the feelings so well. I still dream about a lost love years later and I wake up happy for having remembered it.

Keep posting. It's good to purge !
newheart likes this.
PhillyLibertyBelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2017, 9:11 PM   #9
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
Tonight I didn't play my 'sad playlist' on the way home from work, and sang along to some songs on the radio. I came home when it was still daylight out, which was nice. The days are starting to slowly get longer again. I get nervous when I get close to home because there is a stretch of road where we both drive - in opposite directions - on our commutes home, and we have actually passed each other several times (morning too!) over the course of our relationship, which is funny since we don't have "set office hours" yet seem to keep a similar schedule. It will happen one day, but probably when I am no longer expecting it.

I read some journalling I had done early on in our relationship, which made me sad. Ugh, it was when I was in the thick of falling in love and he was doing everything 'right' and I was freaking out about how I felt about him. I am scared I will never get this opportunity again, to be honest. But I truly hope I do. Regardless, it was an amazing experience.

My daughter and I went to see Beautiful on Broadway a few weeks ago, right before this all happened. Carole King and I, ironically given my birthday break up situation this year, share a birthday, lol. Anyway ... I have the soundtrack on my phone and listen often (which is typical anytime I see a new Broadway show). She wrote the song "Will you still love me tomorrow?" and in the musical, she sings a version, just herself, to the piano which is simply beautiful. There is a line I think of often, "I'd like to know that your love, is love I can be sure of ..." and I need that, too. I've never known, never been sure of his love, I've never felt "safe". I always assumed that it was some flaw of mine, carried over from my childhood. But I am not sure that is the case; perhaps he didn't feel that way or wasn't capable of making me feel reassured for whatever reason, and he just wasn't the one. Maybe I am an insecure person when it comes to love, and maybe I was terrified of love when I felt it with him, but he certainly didn't help to make me feel secure.

Had dinner with the kids, spent some time on the elliptical, answered a couple emails. Sad, but overall, not an awful day.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st February 2017, 9:10 AM   #10
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
I slept better last night ... I dreamt, but I can't recall them and they didn't disturb my sleep. Am I crazy? That is good, that is what I wanted, but at the same time I think about the day they will cease and I will no longer have anything at all with him. At least now, I have the dreams.

I wonder what he is thinking, if he is thinking of me at all. I realize that throughout this relationship, I've never really known what he was thinking. In the very beginning, ironically. Then, the more involved we got, the more he clammed up. Thinking about it, so did I. We were similar in many ways, maybe too many.

I read these forums and I read about so many relationships where people professed their love, seemed to be doing everything right, had a future planned and then *BAM* everything has changed. Why is that? How can people be so cruel? This scares the hell out of me, to be honest. How do you continue to pursue love, openly and honestly, and allow yourself to trust, allow yourself to be vulnerable when you know things like this happen so often?
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2017, 8:41 AM   #11
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
I lay awake from 12:30 - 3 am, furious. Well, it went back and forth between work angst (unrelated) and him. Of course, I thought of different ways I would like to respond to that last text ... I am sure that I will continually re-evaluate how I handled my goodbye until it is somehow a mere passing thought, although it seems hard to believe it ever will be.

But for him to say we "think differently about our time and our demands on our time" ... the fact that he even remotely considers me wanting to see him one evening the week of my birthday to spend time with him as a "demand on his time" is extremely telling. If he felt that way, then clearly he didn't care about me the way I thought he did.

Of course in the morning light, some of the anger has once again dissipated and I am left with a mild case of despair. It makes no sense, it makes no sense that the week before he didn't see me enough, that he wanted me to come over consecutive evenings, then suddenly Saturday he is angry that he was wedged in between my plans, and by Wednesday he is not even seeing me for my birthday ...

It felt so much better to be angry.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2017, 9:21 AM   #12
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
Another Friday has arrived, another weekend upon us.

I go through this weird thing each day where I think ... 6 weeks ago today it was his birthday and we had a wonderful weekend, 3 weeks ago today everything was good, he bought my birthday gift, called me at work to coordinate a day we could take off together. Then the next day everything suddenly changed ... 2 weeks ago today it was already over. I know one day this will stop ... it has already decreased, I don't do this everyday, but the weekends are hardest. Especially when the kids aren't home, and I sit and think about things (or what I would normally have been doing). I guess I need to get a life.

I think about his family often, too. In the last year plus, I have spent more time with his family than any of my own in the last ten years. I have seen his mother in the last sixteen months, more than I've seen my own in probably sixteen years. She listened to me more. She invited me with my children to her home for holidays, whereas my own mother can't be bothered with us for holidays no matter how much I asked. I miss playing games with his family, laughing with his dad and grandfather.

Just last month, we all gathered at his brother's house. We sat on his couch watching his nephews play, and he sat next to me rubbing my back affectionately. I have a picture his nephew drew me hanging on a filing cabinet here in my office ... haven't taken it down yet. I suppose I should, but ... I don't know, it just feels like it belongs there. He still drew it for me.

Today is a tough day for me. Even walking through the supermarket this morning picking up a couple things before work, little silly things reminded me of him. I am mad at myself for crying right now, I know I deserve better. I know it will get better, and I know I may never understand, but for now I just need time.

A closing note from one of my favorite positive blogs (Marc and Angel Hack Life):

Today, be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Donít settle.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2017, 9:41 AM   #13
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
Halfway through another weekend.

I woke up yesterday from a bizarre dream where I was at Disney World with his entire family, but not him. We were still broken up, because I remember at one point worrying if I get separated from the group, I'd have to text him for a phone number. Then last night's dream was much worse ... we were together, in some place with my children, but our relationship was ending. I remember them going to school and I went to work, and he left but never said goodbye. I was struggling to decide if I should text him or call him or ask for us to meet to talk about how things ended, because we didn't really talk. And I guess it just hit home because we didn't talk this time either ... it was like Oh, can we reschedule tonight? / Sure, but tomorrow is my birthday, I'm disappointed. / Oh this again? I need space / This won't work.

The dream weighs heavy on me, for some reason. Should I have tried to talk to him, rather than let him off the hook by agreeing with his text? I drive myself crazy going back and forth, trying to figure if I was responsible for this and how it could have been different.

Yesterday, though, I faced a lot of demons. I made myself stop at a volunteer event that was located at a park where we launched our kayaks from, in a town where we liked to visit and stroll around, and where we brought his family along with my kids before and had a really nice day. These were all wonderful memories, so it was hard to go there, but I did it. Then I went car shopping, which was a good distraction, but since we drive the same make of vehicle was a reminder, plus I had planned on getting a larger vehicle this time to accommodate members of both families so we didn't have to take two vehicles when doing day trips. Ugh, so stupid. A friend went with me, and seriously, thank goodness for her! But at the end I dropped her off and she invited me in for a glass of wine (and she knew I was going to be alone), and although I knew my other option was to go home and be lonely, I just couldn't do it. I was at my limit of faking happiness, I was going to crack. And she would have been supportive and listened to me cry, but I just needed to be alone and get a good cry in.

I have to leave to get the kids shortly ... and the drive takes me past his road (and his house is visible). There is an alternate route I can go which is a little longer, and that is the route I took two weeks ago. At some point though, I can't always go out of my way to avoid driving past his road. I am not sure if I am ready, or if I should just do it and get it over with, or if it will make my trip miserable. I guess I will get in the car and decide from there.
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2017, 12:12 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 101
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am going through something similar so just know you aren't alone.
la74219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2017, 8:53 AM   #15
Established Member
 
newheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Northeast
Posts: 385
Journal Entries: 1
Today is bad.

Well, it started with yesterday being bad. I did as I said, confronted my fears and drove the route I normally would have before XBF. It was worse than I anticipated. Seeing his house, the restaurant/bar we frequented, the place of our first kiss ... it all came down like a ton of bricks, to the point that I went home and cried myself to sleep (in the middle of the day). How embarrassing.

Then last night, the dreams ... all night long, he canceled on me again, completely dismissed me, we were breaking up and I was cleaning out my belongings and I saw that he kept a little note where I wrote "I <3 you" ... I woke up from these dreams repeatedly, only to eventually fall back into one. It was exhausting, and I am exhausted.

To top it all off, today of all days, I passed him on the way in to work. I knew it would happen eventually as it sometimes did during our relationship, but I actually was running late today - and apparently so was he. FML. So, I held it together until he passed (I didn't look at his face, I looked away and held my head up high with a smile on my face - I probably looked like a total idiot, tbh). I got into my office and lost it. Briefly considered emailing him ... to tell him how he gave me less than I put in, less than I deserved, that I never understood what October really was about if this was a repeat, that he never 'let me in' to know what it was he was ever thinking or expecting of me. I am writing here instead. I shouldn't send that, right?

Why do I feel WORSE instead of better? I mean, literally, I was almost okay - relieved - the first week. The second week was a bit more of a roller coaster, but I still had glimmers of hope. Now, I feel like I am devastated. I am constantly re-evaluating what I have said and done, what I could have done differently. I can't take another night of the dreams! They have to stop. I feel like I am losing it a bit, like I will never love again, but like I don't even want to ... is this normal?
newheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Just need a place to write snokin Coping 0 22nd February 2011 12:06 PM
I just need a place to write down my thoughts and feelings... so here I am gaura Breaks and Breaking Up 5 29th November 2009 11:17 PM
should i write my ex or wait for him to write me? pinkcrush88 Second Chances 2 27th April 2009 11:27 PM
to write or not to write - he has said he wants to be 'just friends,' bella_girl Friends and Lovers 0 14th September 2006 2:01 PM
Thank-you letter to EX? To write or not to write.... Israfil Separation and Divorce 23 5th March 2005 4:45 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:11 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.