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My ex contacted me a year into no contact, should return his call?


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My ex recently contacted me a year into NC. I answered the call without looking at my phone because it was 5AM and I thought someone might have been calling me with an emergency. Instead it was my ex who said he was calling to say that he was sorry that things turned out the way that they did between us. He went on say that he was also sorry for not being his best self in our relationship and that he wanted to know how I had been doing. I thanked him for the call and hung up without saying how I was doing.

 

He called me again a week later, pretty late at night, and I missed the call. He left no voicemail. A month after that he called me again and I again missed the call. Instead of leaving a voicemail, he left me a text message asking me to call him when I'm free next. It's been 2 months since that call and I haven't returned any of his contact. I can't imagine what he'd want to talk to me about. When we broke up he refused to have a closure meeting with me and I simply stopped contacting him so I could give myself closure.

 

We were together for 7 years and engaged. I've been good about remaining NC but I admit that apart of me, despite all the healing work I've done, wonders what he might have to say. Should I return his contact and see what he wants out of respect for the length of the relationship?

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First, bravo to you for sticking to NC and not returning his calls of late.

 

Why did the RL end? What do you want for the future? Reconciliation or closure?

 

A 5 Am call sounds like a drunk dial to me, but the follow ups may not have been.

 

I've read here that it often takes dumpers 6 - 12 months to regret the decision.

 

Here's the thing - often that regret is a result of the relationship after yours not working out how they had hoped and they are going back to something more familiar.

 

But regardless of his reasons, what matters is what you want and what you are feeling. Are you over him? Do you want him back? If you do want to run the risk of taking him back you should return his call. If not, there is little reason to speak with him.

 

The bonus is now he will feel what you did when he refused to speak with you after the breakup. Payback is a B :)

 

My ex broke up with me after 7 years and I was planning to ask her to marry me at the time. I'm 6 months in NC. At a year I don't know if I would want to talk to her ever again.

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Many, and I mean mostly all of the replies you're about to receive are going to say no, don't give him a chance at all, zero, zilch, nada. I, personally would at least give it a chance. Look, people change over time. Either for the better or worst. It seems to me he's really thought about it, being as its been a year and he must've come to the realisation that he lost a great thing. This could potentially be a great thing for you. Of course this is if you actually want something to happen.

 

I would absolutely love it if my ex could give me the same opportunity because I truly have changed. It's just unfortunate that many people advise on not breaking contact for good reason but no one is saying to jump in head first; basically, the ball is in your court now. You have total control so you have pretty much nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain if you really do want to make something happen.

 

Just take your time and hear him out. You'll know by talking to him whether he's changed. Some people deserve a chance after a huge mistake because not all people stay unchanged. Some do actually become much better people. So ya, I would say give him a shot. Be open to hearing him out and take it from there. I can only dream for my ex to one day give me a chance even though it's highly unlikely. Lucky him! Good luck:)

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First, bravo to you for sticking to NC and not returning his calls of late.

 

Why did the RL end? What do you want for the future? Reconciliation or closure? The relationship ended because we went through a rough patch and we did so many things to hurt each other that I struggled to trust him after everything and he started to resent me for not being able to move forward. I would like closure but have zero desire to get back with him.

 

A 5 Am call sounds like a drunk dial to me, but the follow ups may not have been. I thought he might have been drinking too but he was sober and sounded sincere surprisingly.

I've read here that it often takes dumpers 6 - 12 months to regret the decision. This makes a lot of sense because he literally started the call off with, "I'm sorry things ended the way they did," as if no time had passed at all and the relationship was still top of mind for me.

 

Here's the thing - often that regret is a result of the relationship after yours not working out how they had hoped and they are going back to something more familiar. I think you're right and this is a concern I have about calling him back. I don't want him to think a returned call means I am interested in being a fallback.

 

But regardless of his reasons, what matters is what you want and what you are feeling. Are you over him? Do you want him back? If you do want to run the risk of taking him back you should return his call. If not, there is little reason to speak with him. I am over him romantically but not fully over the hurt he caused. I'm mostly interested in getting a sincere apology or learning that he is at least being a better person to someone else.

 

The bonus is now he will feel what you did when he refused to speak with you after the breakup. Payback is a B :)I admit that given how mean he was when he refused to meet with me for closure, I hope he now understands how that felt for me.

 

My ex broke up with me after 7 years and I was planning to ask her to marry me at the time. I'm 6 months in NC. At a year I don't know if I would want to talk to her ever again.

 

***replies above***

 

Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you. 7 years is a long time and I think you're right, after a year I would have zero interest in speaking to someone who did that.

 

I really appreciate you replying to my thread.

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Thank you for your reply! I think you're right and this is why I'm torn. When we broke up, despite his meanness, he was working on himself in therapy and I think there is a small chance that were I to call him I might find that he's a very different man now. When we were together he always prided himself on never returning to any of his exes, so that he is contacting me means he's taking a big risk. It's a lot to think about. We had a terrible final year and I never want to experience pain like that again. Just hearing his voice made me feel a lot.

 

 

 

Many, and I mean mostly all of the replies you're about to receive are going to say no, don't give him a chance at all, zero, zilch, nada. I, personally would at least give it a chance. Look, people change over time. Either for the better or worst. It seems to me he's really thought about it, being as its been a year and he must've come to the realisation that he lost a great thing. This could potentially be a great thing for you. Of course this is if you actually want something to happen.

 

I would absolutely love it if my ex could give me the same opportunity because I truly have changed. It's just unfortunate that many people advise on not breaking contact for good reason but no one is saying to jump in head first; basically, the ball is in your court now. You have total control so you have pretty much nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain if you really do want to make something happen.

 

Just take your time and hear him out. You'll know by talking to him whether he's changed. Some people deserve a chance after a huge mistake because not all people stay unchanged. Some do actually become much better people. So ya, I would say give him a shot. Be open to hearing him out and take it from there. I can only dream for my ex to one day give me a chance even though it's highly unlikely. Lucky him! Good luck:)

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He's your ex for a reason.

 

NC = no chance for more pain.

 

However, it is your call

 

Are you currently in a relationship?

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My ex did some similar stuff at the 6 month NC point but she hasn't tried again after I ignored a few of her messages. In your case, since it hasn't stopped, it's a slightly different story. I'm sure my ex is contacting me because her relationship failed and no doubt that's the reason why yours is contacting you. But who cares really why, it is what it is. My relationship was around 9 years and like you, I am curious about the contact as well. It's getting to the point where eventually it's going to be hard for you to ignore all this. And at some point he will stop trying. My Ex sent a few messages and then stopped within 3 days, yours might try for a few months but will eventually give up.

 

 

Its hard to ignore them. I ignored mine on her birthday and NY etc right after she msg me. But I had to tell myself she was looking for a reaction or trying to see where I was at. That is simply not fair. If someone has something to say, they should just dam well say it and shouldn't matter how I am acting or talking or whatever.

 

 

If you get the feeling he just wants to figure out where your at, as opposed to him really putting it on the line, the re-connection may not be worth it.

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I say no, don't call him. Calling someone at 5am is highly disrespectful, he was only thinking about himself when he called that early, he knows you work, you have things to do, and waking you up that early gives you insight into his current state of mind, which is ME-ME-ONLY-ME. As are the follow up calls, whatever you two shared during those 6-7 years, has long been gone and there is no reason to relight a candle which has burned out. Ignore any and all contact and if he persists, obtain a restraining order to show him you mean business. Which is why you should keep a log of any and calls and attempts to contact you, this may escalate, you never know. Better be safe than sorry. Good luck to you.

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I'm more in the don't call him camp then not.

 

 

Here's the thing about NC though. It's a healing tool. You stay away from the EX to avoid the continued pain of being near somebody you can't have. It's like not picking an emotional scab so that you don't cause a re-bleed.

 

 

Once you have fully healed, you can touch the area or talk to the other person IF -- and this is the big if -- doing so doesn't make you worse. I have an EX from 25 years ago that I now have to deal with regularly for work. We were in the same graduate program so bumping into him professionally has been an on-going thing. All these years later he's just some guy I went to grad school with. It doesn't hurt to talk to him.

 

 

Your EX already said his piece about being sorry. Based on the idea that he said he's improved, the 2nd phone call can only be a tentative step toward reconciliation which after all this time (but certainly not enough time to effectuate real change). Do you want to go backwards? If not, don't call.

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Lostandconfused12

Sometimes people have to see for themselves what life is like without you to appreciate you. Is that acceptable to you? Or would you rather be with someone who knows even after years, they can't live without you. People make mistakes. Don't let him walk all over you. Do not think about getting back together. Take things very slow and you will see for yourself if he really did change. Sometimes however I wonder if people ever do fully change however. Or if it's just temporary. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't reopen myself to the pain when there is so much more to life. Welcome him as a friend for now.

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***replies above***

 

Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you. 7 years is a long time and I think you're right, after a year I would have zero interest in speaking to someone who did that.

 

I really appreciate you replying to my thread.

 

Ssun - you said you have no interest in getting back with him. Right there is the only reason you need to not speak with him ever again.

 

I would not plan on getting any closure or alleviation of your hurt by speaking with him. Nothing he can say at this point will go back in time and erase what was done and the hurt it caused you.

 

In fact, it may do the opposite and start you back down the path of recovery. I think the best thing would be to block his number and continue on as if he doesn't exist.

 

In short, F him.

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Do what you want to do ....

Someone these people here have been scorned and have probably missed out on an opportunity because they go nc to prove a point

 

If the guy reached out which he did and it seems genuine I'd entertain it or at least hear him out

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No, I'm not currently in a relationship and not at all interested in one. I realized that a lot of my issues with setting boundaries in relationships with men stem from my relationship with my dad, or lack thereof. I recently reconnected with my dad and we are working through our issues and I am working on myself. I like who I'm becoming and have noticed that I am attracting much healthier men now. At some point I may be interested in a relationship.

 

You're absolutely right about NC meaning no chance for further pain. That has kept me from calling him.

 

 

He's your ex for a reason.

 

NC = no chance for more pain.

 

However, it is your call

 

Are you currently in a relationship?

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I do get the sense that he attempted to figure out where my head was at with the first call and when I was pleasant he felt he had the green light to start laying the groundwork for reconciliation. That he hasn't explicitly stated his intentions leaves me leaning toward thinking it really amounts to exactly what you said and he's trying to unfairly see where my head is without risking anything.

 

 

 

My ex did some similar stuff at the 6 month NC point but she hasn't tried again after I ignored a few of her messages. In your case, since it hasn't stopped, it's a slightly different story. I'm sure my ex is contacting me because her relationship failed and no doubt that's the reason why yours is contacting you. But who cares really why, it is what it is. My relationship was around 9 years and like you, I am curious about the contact as well. It's getting to the point where eventually it's going to be hard for you to ignore all this. And at some point he will stop trying. My Ex sent a few messages and then stopped within 3 days, yours might try for a few months but will eventually give up.

 

 

Its hard to ignore them. I ignored mine on her birthday and NY etc right after she msg me. But I had to tell myself she was looking for a reaction or trying to see where I was at. That is simply not fair. If someone has something to say, they should just dam well say it and shouldn't matter how I am acting or talking or whatever.

 

 

If you get the feeling he just wants to figure out where your at, as opposed to him really putting it on the line, the re-connection may not be worth it.

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You are spot on, that was my first thought after the call. It was a Saturday but still highly disrespectful. I could have had appointments, heck a new partner next to me or just needed the rest. He knows me well enough to know that I am a morning person and likely figured that catching me off guard when I'm most likely to be nice would be best. What matters though is what you mentioned and you're exactly right, it does speak to immense selfishness on his part. He apologized for calling so early right before I hung up but if he really hadn't intended to wake me up then he'd have called at a decent hour. I have my suspicions about why his calls come late at night or extremely early in the morning and they only serve as further evidence for why I should keep ignoring him.

 

I say no, don't call him. Calling someone at 5am is highly disrespectful, he was only thinking about himself when he called that early, he knows you work, you have things to do, and waking you up that early gives you insight into his current state of mind, which is ME-ME-ONLY-ME. As are the follow up calls, whatever you two shared during those 6-7 years, has long been gone and there is no reason to relight a candle which has burned out. Ignore any and all contact and if he persists, obtain a restraining order to show him you mean business. Which is why you should keep a log of any and calls and attempts to contact you, this may escalate, you never know. Better be safe than sorry. Good luck to you.
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I think you're right about that second calling be a stepping stone to reconciliation and I absolutely agree that 1 year isn't nearly enough time for him to have really changed. NC has been extremely good to me, I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was and I found peace, alone. I also learned that I had way more power than I thought and that instead of focusing on my pain I ought to be being of service to others and my community. I stepped outside of my box and met amazing friends, started volunteering with local charities, joined professional networking groups, started working out and began traveling more. Life isn't perfect but it's great now and I just don't know that he's worth the risk to my peace.

 

 

 

I'm more in the don't call him camp then not.

 

 

Here's the thing about NC though. It's a healing tool. You stay away from the EX to avoid the continued pain of being near somebody you can't have. It's like not picking an emotional scab so that you don't cause a re-bleed.

 

 

Once you have fully healed, you can touch the area or talk to the other person IF -- and this is the big if -- doing so doesn't make you worse. I have an EX from 25 years ago that I now have to deal with regularly for work. We were in the same graduate program so bumping into him professionally has been an on-going thing. All these years later he's just some guy I went to grad school with. It doesn't hurt to talk to him.

 

 

Your EX already said his piece about being sorry. Based on the idea that he said he's improved, the 2nd phone call can only be a tentative step toward reconciliation which after all this time (but certainly not enough time to effectuate real change). Do you want to go backwards? If not, don't call.

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This is very true. I do believe he needed to see what life was like without me to really appreciate me. The only thing he could ever be to me at this point is a friend as I no longer see him as romantically compatible with me. Even a friendship would have strict boundaries and I don't know that he would be ok with abandoning the reconciliation efforts. He always prided himself on never being friends with exes or returning to exes when we were together, so I'm actually kind of stunned that he is contacting me.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes people have to see for themselves what life is like without you to appreciate you. Is that acceptable to you? Or would you rather be with someone who knows even after years, they can't live without you. People make mistakes. Don't let him walk all over you. Do not think about getting back together. Take things very slow and you will see for yourself if he really did change. Sometimes however I wonder if people ever do fully change however. Or if it's just temporary. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't reopen myself to the pain when there is so much more to life. Welcome him as a friend for now.
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True, nothing he could ever say would undo the hurt and pain he caused. It's funny that you mentioned that it might have the opposite effect because just the other day I came across a reminder of something that he did to me and got misty eyed when I realized that he did that and still thought he could call me at 5AM a year later. I realized that while I'm over him, I'm not totally over what I tolerated in our relationship and what he did to me. At that moment, I thought, "F HIM!"

 

 

 

Ssun - you said you have no interest in getting back with him. Right there is the only reason you need to not speak with him ever again.

 

I would not plan on getting any closure or alleviation of your hurt by speaking with him. Nothing he can say at this point will go back in time and erase what was done and the hurt it caused you.

 

In fact, it may do the opposite and start you back down the path of recovery. I think the best thing would be to block his number and continue on as if he doesn't exist.

 

In short, F him.

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I'd hear him out if he was saying something, right now it feels like he's intentionally not saying exactly why he is reaching out. It would make more sense for him to text, email or call me and say flat out what he is hoping to accomplish by contacting me. To me, calling at odd hours and sending texts when I don't answer, wherein he asks me to call him, without saying why is quite cowardly. Especially given the fact that we have been broken up for so long.

 

 

Do what you want to do ....

Someone these people here have been scorned and have probably missed out on an opportunity because they go nc to prove a point

 

If the guy reached out which he did and it seems genuine I'd entertain it or at least hear him out

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My ex is a single dad, with full custody, to a teen daughter and I grew attached to her during out time together. I miss her and my only regret is that I can no longer see her because of our breakup. She has been posting some concerning things online and I want to intervene because I know my ex is likely not aware but I don't know if I'd be crossing a line and I don't want him to think my care for her extends to him.

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If you do return the call, it's really important to ask him, upfront, what his motive for contact is. He might simply want to apologize, or he might might want a second shot. Either way, I would not call him up for a chat just for the heck of it. I would need to know the reason for reestablishing contact, and take it from there.

 

I do think calling at 5 AM indicates that it could have been an impulse call rather than something fully thought out. Which further indicates to me that he is not interested in reconciling. Either way, I don't see the harm in callingn him again if you need to do so to full shut the door.

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Hi there,

 

I wanted to chime in.

 

Nearly three years ago I got with my ex gf. She was my first LTR. She left me after just over a year. Her reasoning was to find a "Man of God".

 

She did this the day I returned from my grandmother's funeral. She was lying in my bed and told me "I love you, I missed you" and then she broke up with me. The entire weekend I was away at the funeral she went totally dark. I saw it coming.

 

We had planned a europe trip, paid for tickets and I had lined up my time off at work. Long story short, she left to europe with a guy nearly twice her age (40). And left me in a bad place.

 

 

Two months later she was back at my doorstep. The day after she returned from Europe. She said they went as friends. I told her to not bother me. But guess what? She didn't give a **** about my boundaries. She showed up at job, my parents house, my place, started leaving endless texts and voice mails. She called my friends, she begged me to talk to her.

 

Stupidity, after a month, I took her back. At the time I was a complete emotional wreck. During our time apart I maintained strick NC. Blocked her everywhere because I needed to heal.

 

Then a little over a year later, after I put up with her rage (beating dashboards on new cars) her flirting with other men, her not valuing me the way I deserved, constantly asking for a wedding ring (usually 3-4 days a week) when her behavior toward me was not worth the reward of marriage, I dumped her.

 

Her behavior did not change, it was good for a little bit but it just escalated into crazy town.

 

It was a trial by fire to say the least. But I learned SO much about myself. I learned about boundaries. About who I was willing to let into my life. It was a hell of a way to learn a very important lesson.

 

You might think I'm bonkers for putting up with what happened. I won't deny my part in the relationship either. I made the decision to have her back in my life. But not anymore.

 

 

I'm not going to say to not talk to your ex. However, a year is not that long in the grand scheme of things.

 

What I want to make clear to you is boundaries and having them. What are your boundaries?

 

For what I gather. This ex of yours does not care about your boundaries. At. All.

 

Repeat. He doesn't have a **** to give you.

 

It's been a year.

 

Don't make excuses for him calling at odd hours. He's selfish.

 

I wouldn't do this to someone I care about. You sound like a good person. You deserve a good person.

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I think you're right about that second calling be a stepping stone to reconciliation and I absolutely agree that 1 year isn't nearly enough time for him to have really changed. NC has been extremely good to me, I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was and I found peace, alone. I also learned that I had way more power than I thought and that instead of focusing on my pain I ought to be being of service to others and my community. I stepped outside of my box and met amazing friends, started volunteering with local charities, joined professional networking groups, started working out and began traveling more. Life isn't perfect but it's great now and I just don't know that he's worth the risk to my peace.

 

SSUn you have been doing great. Don't make the mistake I made of going back and now here I am a year later back to square 1. I was already 6 months out and doing very WELL. Traveling, looking good, meeting new people. Don't give in because your progress is priceless.

 

The other thing is that the damage done cannot be undone. The time to work on the issues was when you were still together.

 

I know someone else here said that many people have "missed" opportunities by being NC and i have to say that I disagree. People have been creating NEW opportunities for themselves ,therefore they have not missed an opportunity.

 

Keep up and continue healing. I love when you mention that you are now attracting healthier men. Move forward we are rooting for you.

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Hi there,

 

I wanted to chime in.

 

Nearly three years ago I got with my ex gf. She was my first LTR. She left me after just over a year. Her reasoning was to find a "Man of God".

 

She did this the day I returned from my grandmother's funeral. She was lying in my bed and told me "I love you, I missed you" and then she broke up with me. The entire weekend I was away at the funeral she went totally dark. I saw it coming.

 

We had planned a europe trip, paid for tickets and I had lined up my time off at work. Long story short, she left to europe with a guy nearly twice her age (40). And left me in a bad place.

 

 

Two months later she was back at my doorstep. The day after she returned from Europe. She said they went as friends. I told her to not bother me. But guess what? She didn't give a **** about my boundaries. She showed up at job, my parents house, my place, started leaving endless texts and voice mails. She called my friends, she begged me to talk to her.

 

Stupidity, after a month, I took her back. At the time I was a complete emotional wreck. During our time apart I maintained strick NC. Blocked her everywhere because I needed to heal.

 

Then a little over a year later, after I put up with her rage (beating dashboards on new cars) her flirting with other men, her not valuing me the way I deserved, constantly asking for a wedding ring (usually 3-4 days a week) when her behavior toward me was not worth the reward of marriage, I dumped her.

 

Her behavior did not change, it was good for a little bit but it just escalated into crazy town.

 

It was a trial by fire to say the least. But I learned SO much about myself. I learned about boundaries. About who I was willing to let into my life. It was a hell of a way to learn a very important lesson.

 

You might think I'm bonkers for putting up with what happened. I won't deny my part in the relationship either. I made the decision to have her back in my life. But not anymore.

 

 

I'm not going to say to not talk to your ex. However, a year is not that long in the grand scheme of things.

 

What I want to make clear to you is boundaries and having them. What are your boundaries?

 

For what I gather. This ex of yours does not care about your boundaries. At. All.

 

Repeat. He doesn't have a **** to give you.

 

It's been a year.

 

Don't make excuses for him calling at odd hours. He's selfish.

 

I wouldn't do this to someone I care about. You sound like a good person. You deserve a good person.

 

I am just coming out of something very similar. this post is 100%.

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Well obviously a lot of the posters here have had terrible reconciliation experiences, but there are just as many that succeeded, if not, more. The reason why this thread has mostly those opposing to reconciliation is because those who successfully got back together rarely re-post on these forums again.

 

However, I would agree that him calling at that hour is odd. I would at least hear him out. See what his motives are exactly and ask why the hell he called at the hour and see what his answer is. If you feel it was for a good, legitimate reason then take it from there but if you detect a weird response that doesn't make sense then you know he's still somewhat selfish. Then you decide to continue or not.

 

Good luck!

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