I have no idea what happened?

[Tusks_n_Raider]

I'll try to make this story as short as possible but the overall theme is that my now ex-gf froze me out/ghosted me out of nowhere and refused to give me any closure.

 

I met her through mutual friends on Facebook. I live in Alabama and she lives in Brooklyn, NY. (red flag long distance issues I know). But for months we were just 'friends' yet she flirted with me constantly. We transitioned from facebook communication to cell phone texting and also phone calls. Our chemistry was off the charts. We have all the same hobbies and values and sense of humor. Almost mirror personalities to the point that we would sometimes send texts to each other at the exact same time saying the same thing with the same emoji's. It was almost eerie how connected we felt. We could effortlessly talk on the phone for 2-4 hours at a time with NO awkward pauses. She eventually just came out and admitted she 'liked' me as way more than a friend. The texting became more hot and heavy and we decided I should visit her in March of 2016. At this point we had been friends for 6 months and 'more than friends' for an extra 5 months.

 

So I flew to NYC and spent a week with her there. The whole week was electric. Our feelings were already deep after 11 months of talking every single day, all day long. She told me she Loved me and I said the same. When I got back home from the visit over the next few months she got increasingly intense with me. She started talking about how we were 'Twin Flame' soulmates and that I was her future husband and father of her kids. She talked about working towards us living in the same city as soon as possible.

 

Then my Mom got very sick during May-July of 2016 and was hospitalized. She came home in August on Hospice and died on August 31st. During that month my then GF sent flowers and offered to come help me take care of her and booked a flight ahead of time to visit me for a week in September here in Alabama. So as it turned out she came here 3 weeks after my Mom passed. But I tried to just enjoy her visit and I felt we had a better week together than even the NYC visit earlier. Things continued to be great after she got back home until around Halloween 2016 a month later. She had an almost nervous breakdown emotionally on the phone about how much she missed me and how it hurt to not see me everyday and that she loved me more than anyone ever.

 

Then literally days later out of nowhere she went from affectionately texting me everyday all day to hardly talking to me at all. I tried talking to her to see if something was wrong and I tried giving her space but nothing made things better. She would just tell me she was working more and didn't have time to talk as much or do anything for that matter. Yet I would see her still constantly chatting with people on Facebook all day and going to Concerts and Clubs and Bars and movies. I tried calling her several times and she just would not answer.

 

We started having arguments off and on for the 1st time ever about her freezing me out. I finally got so frustrated I told her to just break up with me if she didn't want to be involved with me anymore. But she wouldn't do it. She kept saying she loved me but was busy and I just didn't understand her position. Then on top of all that she was originally supposed to fly back down and spend Christmas with me and/or New Year's 2017. But that changed because she said she was working so much that she couldn't afford to take the time off and come.....But then I find out she's flying to Texas in Late January last month to spend a week with a mutual guy friend we have in Austin TX. This dude is one of my best friends on FB. So of course I'm like WTF is going on?? She tells me the Texas trip was only $90 and she planned it in August whereas flying to Alabama would cost $500. I offered to pay for everything for her to come here instead and she wouldn't accept. She wouldn't break up with me still and also claimed to still love me.

 

I finally had enough a few weeks ago and just blocked her on my phone and facebook after a long texting fight where she belittled and trivialized our whole relationship as only a 'courtship'. This is a women who chased after me.....hard. Brought up marriage talk and kids and soulmates and living together etc. and gets my hopes up for all these great life experiences and just shuns me like a piece of garbage out of nowhere with no explanation. I never could get her to tell me what I did wrong or why she did a complete 180 on me.

 

She just visited my 'friend' last week in Texas and I have no idea if that was a shady hookup behind my back or if it was innocent and platonic? But I do know she flirts with him now all the time on facebook and has been talking with him constantly on there for months when she 'didn't have time to text me'?

 

The worst part is for some reason all of our mutual Facebook friends continue to talk to her and be friends with her while they have coincidentally given me the cold shoulder? I did nothing wrong and everyone has seemingly shunned me. Two of them I knew years before even she did. I pm'd them last night just as an innocent 'hello how are you guys doing' and got no response from them even though I can see they read it. But today they had time to talk in length with her??

 

So what the heck is going on? What the heck happened? We went from being unbelievably close to her just ice'ing me out seemingly from just out of nowhere and for no reason. Yet not only did I lose her but all my other friends too. It's so messed up and I'm completely alone now. My Mom died.....My GF broke my heart into a million pieces......one of my guy friends potentially hooked up with her last week and the rest are on her side or something. I'm devastated and never been this lonely in my whole life ever.

 

Can any females on here give me some insight? Why would a girl come after me so aggressively, talk to me everyday all day for over a year, invite me to NYC for a week, come see me in Alabama for a week, plan to come back, plan to move here, tell me she Loved me, that I was her soulmate, future husband, and father of children.....and then just bam.....freeze me out and become a completely different person turning everyone against me in the process?? I did nothing wrong honest to god. I'm stunned right now.

 

Lastly for perspective I'm 38 and she's 36. So it wasn't an age thing. Also the 'intimacy' was dynamite so it wasn't a bedroom problem. So I'm asking for help and advice from anyone? How can I get over this and find closure. It's like a heart breaking mystery I will never solve. I can hardly sleep at night stewing over everything trying to figure it out.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, OP. That must have been very hard.

 

I was very surprised when I read your respective ages, I have to admit. I was expecting her to be a lot younger, anyway.

 

It appears she's the type who builds up big fantasies in her head and then gets distracted when the next shiny object rolls into view. I understand that you'd spent a lot of time speaking and communicating online, but in my opinion, you hadn't spent anywhere near enough time together in person to be making such grand future plans. She got caught up in the honeymoon phase and daydreamed, without having much basis for it offline. That should have been a red flag.

 

The rest of it, well, she obviously knows how to talk the talk, but she sure doesn't walk the walk. I think she had probably been communicating with both you and your mutual friend for some time. She obviously felt comfortable enough to go and visit him, solo, while refusing to come and see you. That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

I have to wonder if she's been bad-mouthing you to your other mutual friends, and perhaps that's why they're unresponsive to you now. It seems strange that they would just freeze you out.

 

I know it probably doesn't feel this way now, but you dodged a bullet. She sounds quite immature for 36; I'm the same age and cannot imagine behaving the way she did. I would strongly advise you to get offline and start meeting some new friends locally. Get to know some people who aren't part of that world, or foster the real-life friendships you already have. People who you only communicate with online cannot offer you the type of true support you need right now, and won't have the same sense of loyalty to you.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, OP. That must have been very hard.

 

I was very surprised when I read your respective ages, I have to admit. I was expecting her to be a lot younger, anyway.

 

It appears she's the type who builds up big fantasies in her head and then gets distracted when the next shiny object rolls into view. I understand that you'd spent a lot of time speaking and communicating online, but in my opinion, you hadn't spent anywhere near enough time together in person to be making such grand future plans. She got caught up in the honeymoon phase and daydreamed, without having much basis for it offline. That should have been a red flag.

 

The rest of it, well, she obviously knows how to talk the talk, but she sure doesn't walk the walk. I think she had probably been communicating with both you and your mutual friend for some time. She obviously felt comfortable enough to go and visit him, solo, while refusing to come and see you. That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

I have to wonder if she's been bad-mouthing you to your other mutual friends, and perhaps that's why they're unresponsive to you now. It seems strange that they would just freeze you out.

 

I know it probably doesn't feel this way now, but you dodged a bullet. She sounds quite immature for 36; I'm the same age and cannot imagine behaving the way she did. I would strongly advise you to get offline and start meeting some new friends locally. Get to know some people who aren't part of that world, or foster the real-life friendships you already have. People who you only communicate with online cannot offer you the type of true support you need right now, and won't have the same sense of loyalty to you.

 

This part especially really resonated with me. On one hand it's difficult to acknowledge but at the same time I know there is some very real truth there. I know when it's put in terms of 'I only saw her in person and spent 14 days with her' that it seems like an insignificant or rather insufficient amount of time to make such promises and commitments. But it all felt so real that I believed she really meant everything she said. For me even when we were physically apart and only able to talk on the phone or skype or text it felt like a real relationship.

 

It's the 1st time I've ever been involved in something long distance like that. I really tried to go slow to not get hurt and let things happen organically. I have a fear of flying too so me getting on that plane to go see her in NYC was a huge leap of faith and overcoming my greatest fear because of how I felt about her.

 

But in any event I agree with you that she acted very immature at the end. I just wanted to resolve things in peaceful way like adults. Repair anything if possible or break up with some kind of explanation and dignity. She just kept stringing me along though.

 

The only guess I can even begin to make is that maybe she WAS living in a fantasy world and when she had an emotional breakdown that night she came to some realization that the logistics of how far away we are were too large and complicated to overcome. So maybe she then shut me out to break things off to not hurt herself. I don't know? But on the other hand her being involved with my 'friend' in Texas in no different.....that's even further away from New York.

 

But in any event she wouldn't outright breakup with me. It's like she wanted me to pull the trigger so she wouldn't be the 'bad person' doing the dumping. In one of our final communications I called her something. The only bad thing I ever said to her. I called her a coward.

 

The next day I blocked her everywhere online and my phone. I didn't even know about the 'NC' thing until I just found this site but that's what I've done. I've had NC with her for 3 weeks now even though it's killing me inside.

 

Thank you for the insight and advice. I'll try to get out and about in the real world and get all this off my mind if possible. It's eating at me all the time right now just going over the whole 18 month event trying to figure out what went wrong.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

[update]

 

She broke NC by texting me last night. I had not heard from her in 3 weeks. After talking with 2 friends the night before and reading the NC guide on here I re-blocked her on Facebook to not see her activity. So she sent me these texts...

 

"Blocked me again.......Happy Valentines Day"

"Plus love to know how I ****ed you over"

"But, hope you've been well..."

"It's 9:45...have a great night..."

 

So what's that? Breadcrumbs?? I probably should not even texted her back but the timing and passive aggressiveness and the gall of it all was to much to resist. So this was my reply back to her.

 

"If you'd like to call me, I'd be more than happy to calmly discuss anything you want and answer any questions you have....I won't however have a back and forth text session with you. Tone and context is lost and discussion doesn't stay on target. So if you really want to talk...call me"

 

I then saw the little (dot dot dot) moving on Iphone messenger displaying she was typing something.....it kept going for a few minutes but she never sent a reply.....nor like I figured did she ever call me last night.

 

So obviously she didn't want to talk bad enough or really want her answer right? What was the point of even texting me?

[The_Dork_Lard]

What was the point of even texting me?

 

To test whether or not you reply, because she needs to know you still care. In her mind, replying shows you still care. She got what she desired after not hearing for you for 3 weeks, and that's why she didn't reply. She didn't need to. The cynic in me thinks she may have even done the dot dot dot thing on purpose like dangling a carrot, and it worked temporarily - but I digress.

 

I'm 38 too, and just had a 180 pulled on me in the last hour by a 43 year old woman I had a 3 year relationship with, who at one time used to virtually stalk me in person, then disappeared for 4 years. She re-appeared last Sep with a full-on email expressing her love for me, and how she'd missed me everyday for that time. I took the bait, met her a handful of times, and my feelings came back even stronger than before. Then she disappeared today with a "thanks, but no thanks" email - I was stunned and feel a little crushed. I tell you one thing, she's NEVER hearing from me again, and your ex shouldn't ever hear from you, no matter how much she tries to provoke a response form you. That's all it is man, provocation for their own egos.

Edited February 15, 2017 by The_Dork_Lard

[ExpatInItaly]

Remember how I said she's a very immature 36?

 

Her most recent texts to you are further evidence of that. She is playing games, and behaving from the mentality of someone much younger than her.

 

You, however, handled it very well. You're way too good for her.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

To test whether or not you reply, because she needs to know you still care. In her mind, replying shows you still care. She got what she desired after not hearing for you for 3 weeks, and that's why she didn't reply. She didn't need to. The cynic in me thinks she may have even done the dot dot dot thing on purpose like dangling a carrot, and it worked temporarily - but I digress.

 

I'm 38 too, and just had a 180 pulled on me in the last hour by a 43 year old woman I had a 3 year relationship with, who at one time used to virtually stalk me in person, then disappeared for 4 years. She re-appeared last Sep with a full-on email expressing her love for me, and how she'd missed me everyday for that time. I took the bait, met her a handful of times, and my feelings came back even stronger than before. Then she disappeared today with a "thanks, but no thanks" email - I was stunned and feel a little crushed. I tell you one thing, she's NEVER hearing from me again, and your ex shouldn't ever hear from you, no matter how much she tries to provoke a response form you. That's all it is man, provocation for their own egos.

Man I'm sorry to hear about your situation too. This 180 stuff is brutal. The whole psychology of all the games just blows my mind. Congrats though on making that firm decision to completely move on.

 

I'm kind of aggravated with myself today for responding to her texts last night. I had JUST decided to finally move on.....hence the re-blocking her anywhere I needed to on social media. I was getting any reminders of her away from me. Especially since it was Valentines day. Then I was just gobsmacked shocked that she texted after NC for 3 weeks.

 

I need to stick to the rules of NC now and realize that last night's exchange was 'breadcrumbs' and like you say a way for her to stroke her on ego and attempt to get a rise out of me. I want to just move on and try to forget her. I'm not responding to her anymore barring her doing a different type of 180 and crafting the greatest apology in the history of apologies. Even then I'm not sure I'll answer her. She's just so flaky and honestly I don't trust her anymore.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

Remember how I said she's a very immature 36?

 

Her most recent texts to you are further evidence of that. She is playing games, and behaving from the mentality of someone much younger than her.

 

You, however, handled it very well. You're way too good for her.

Thank you for the kind words and perspective. When I talked to my closest friends about the whole situation 2 nights ago they asked me how old she was? When I said 36 they were both like 'WHAAA???" Their reaction too was that these were the actions of a female in her early 20's and not someone at 36.

 

They said from their outside perspective that she seems very insecure and craves attention. They brought up how she constantly posts 'selfies' on FB and Instagram and seems to obsessively craft her online image to others. Their finale opinion/advice to me was that she was using me as a means to make herself feel better and escape into some kind of fantasy and hope that I would be a way for her to escape and leave New York.

 

Plus that now maybe she was eyeing/lining up the 'friend' in Texas for similar reasons and that I just needed to block her everywhere. Even if she came back begging and pleading to tell her to 'go away and leave me alone'(They phrased this part more colorful with cursing).

[The_Dork_Lard]

Man I'm sorry to hear about your situation too. This 180 stuff is brutal. The whole psychology of all the games just blows my mind. Congrats though on making that firm decision to completely move on.

 

I've got to mate, because this game is ridiculous now. That's 3 times she's driven a stake through my heart now. Two of them in the last fortnight. The first time was on my birthday in Jan 2013. She brought me a birthday card, and then said "by the way, I've met somebody else". And that was the last I saw or heard from her until that email in Sep 2016. She was still living with him when she emailed me, but between Sep and today she left him, and he moved out. So perhaps she just used me as an emotional crutch to enable her to leave him. She was moaning about lack of attention from him. Ha, and she certainly got it from me. Her waning interest in me then coincided with their breakup. Anyway, I didn't learn from the first time, so I suppose I deserve this.

 

I'm kind of aggravated with myself today for responding to her texts last night.

Don't beat yourself up mate. It's great you went for 3 weeks. Now try permanently. We all have moments of weakness, it shows we're human. You're human. You've got to use all your willpower to resist responding. Sounds as if she's pissed that you're not chasing her, ha ha. Don't, because as you've already seen, she'll get the response she's looking for, and at best you'll receive dot dot dot and a painful stab of disappointment for a day or two. Keep your scabs on, otherwise you'll scar yourself.

 

She's just so flaky and honestly I don't trust her anymore.

That's a positive way to be thinking. It's rational - you see a fundamental part of the truth. This shows you're actually some way over it, and all those sleepless nights where your mind has been processing stuff has led you to this sound conclusion. That's why your mind goes into overdrive for a few weeks or months - to make sense of it all. You're doing good.

 

I don't know why people do 180s. It's so rare to find people who are consistent and reliable. Most just seem fickle. Burning embers one minute, liquid nitrogen the next.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I would agree that she sounds like an attention-seeker. I have to roll my eyes at anyone around my age (again, I'm nearly 36 too) who is constantly posting selfies on social media. This is generally the behaviour of people looking for compliments and a sign of deeper insecurity.

 

This would also factor into why she's texting you now, after 3 weeks of silence. Maybe her Texas friend isn't giving her as much attention as she wants, so she's casting her fishing line your way to see if you will give her a boost.

 

Good for you for responding the way you did. She's not someone who would have been long-term partner material.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

[update #2]

 

I'm still trying to find closure here but not from my Ex-Gf but my guy friend in Texas she stayed with for the week. My main Friends told me on the phone the other night I should talk to him and give him the temporary benefit of the doubt before I ghost him too. I've been friends with this guy in Texas for 3 years.

 

I've been trying to call him to see what happened because I need to know IF HE's on the up and up and actually my friend who did no wrong. My intuition had been telling me he knows the bro code and to not 'mow another guy's lawn'.... but he's human too. He's dodging me right now through phone calls and texts though which has me very suspicious.

 

Originally she was going to Texas to see like 6 different people (guys and girls) because she's been to Texas before and has friends there. She was going to couch surf from one person's house to the next for 1 night each across the week there. I found out later after the trip that she stayed with the one guy(My Friend) and his roommate the whole week.

 

So maybe she slept on the couch? I dunno....or maybe she threw herself at him and he banged her all week in his room?....Or maybe they've been talking behind my back plotting to cheat on me??

 

I know I won't get ANY closure from HER at this point. I tried to work things out with her for 3 months. To figure out why she was acting different, to get her on the phone, to express how much I loved her, how I wanted to fix whatever was wrong, to find out why she was acting so differently. She gave me excuse after excuse that were constantly contradictory to her daily actions. I'm not going to answer anymore of her texts and I don't expect an apology to ever come.

 

At this point though, like I say I'm only trying to get closure from my guy friend in Texas. I need to know if I need to cut him out of my life too. He's still acting like my friend on facebook right now but dodging my attempts to call him. I've been friends with him for 3 years and his background is very similar to mine. He's been heartbroken and dumped more than once, been cheated on, and given up on romance. So it's hard for me to wrap my head around him doing something like that to me when it's been done to him and he knows how crappy that is to do to someone.

 

Again I know common sense and cynicism says 'oh man he nailed her all week dude' But maybe.....just maybe he isn't a POS. I've got to talk to him on the phone before I just ghost him too and possibly unfairly. He COULD have just offered her a place on the couch out of hospitality because he has always been a nice sensitive guy. But.....he's also been very lonely lately and she could have thrown herself at him. I just want the truth.

 

Thoughts? Should I keep trying to call him and get answers?

[Tusks_n_Raider]

[update #2]

 

At this point though, like I say I'm only trying to get closure from my guy friend in Texas. I need to know if I need to cut him out of my life too. He's still acting like my friend on facebook right now but dodging my attempts to call him. I've been friends with him for 3 years and his background is very similar to mine. He's been heartbroken and dumped more than once, been cheated on, and given up on romance. So it's hard for me to wrap my head around him doing something like that to me when it's been done to him and he knows how crappy that is to do to someone.

 

Again I know common sense and cynicism says 'oh man he nailed her all week dude' But maybe.....just maybe he isn't a POS. I've got to talk to him on the phone before I just ghost him too and possibly unfairly. He COULD have just offered her a place on the couch out of hospitality because he has always been a nice sensitive guy. But.....he's also been very lonely lately and she could have thrown herself at him. I just want the truth.

 

Thoughts? Should I keep trying to call him and get answers?

 

Sorry to 'Bump' my own thread but guys and gals I really need some advice here please. Last night through texts I finally got him to agree to call me TODAY. He doesn't know exactly why I'm wanting to talk him yet. I've been vague to get him to be willing to call.

 

How should I approach this? I don't want to just accuse him of anything unfairly. I want to just state how me and him have been friends for 3 years and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but objectively on the outside to me and other people it just didn't 'look right' him letting my Fresh EX stay with him? Therefore I wanna just ask him to explain 'what was up with that man'?

 

Should I give him a chance to explain before ghosting and NC'ing him too? My gut would tell me that MAYBE he didn't cross a line other than letting her crash on the couch but common sense and my other friends are like 'man no way she was there for a week and nothing happened!!'

 

I need help on this situation please.

Edited February 19, 2017 by Tusks_n_Raider

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Personally I wouldn't have even bothered because you will never know if he is being honest, but I digress..

 

My only advice would be to make it very clear that you are not asking because you want her back because I can almost guarantee that this is going to be relayed back to her, which will give her yet another excuse to contact you again demanding to know why you are involving other people.

 

Just don't be surprised if you hear from her again because your mutual friends are not loyal to you. They will tell her everything you say, so keep that in mind.

 

For your own sake, do not respond to any texts from her. You said you would only have a mature phone conversation, so stick to your guns.

 

Good luck.

[Imajerk17]

I am so sorry to hear your pain OP, but at this point, whether this girl had sex w your 'friend' or merely slept on his couch (yeah right!) is completely besides the point. It's over, and she did you seriously wrong.

 

Whether sex occurred between your 'friend' or not (it probably did), she froze you out for him. Lines were blatantly crossed regardless.

 

You can ask your 'friend' what happened if this phone call means that much to you, I'm not sure you will get any more answers though. Most likely you will get a story from him of her gaslighting you. That it seemed to take this much effort on your part to get your 'friend' to call you makes me think he isn't really your friend and you can go NC on him w a clean conscience.

Edited February 19, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Tusks_n_Raider]

Personally I wouldn't have even bothered because you will never know if he is being honest, but I digress..

 

My only advice would be to make it very clear that you are not asking because you want her back because I can almost guarantee that this is going to be relayed back to her, which will give her yet another excuse to contact you again demanding to know why you are involving other people.

 

Just don't be surprised if you hear from her again because your mutual friends are not loyal to you. They will tell her everything you say, so keep that in mind.

 

For your own sake, do not respond to any texts from her. You said you would only have a mature phone conversation, so stick to your guns.

 

Good luck.

 

I was definitely going to make the point that I don't want her back and that I don't trust her. From what I've been able to gather she is manipulating multiple people right now....him included.

 

I JUST found out that she played an instrumental role in him cutting a girl out of his life about a year ago by feeding him false/exaggerated information.

 

Basically I'm going to stress if he didn't cross the ultimate line I can forgive him......but if he did cross it obviously we can't be and aren't friends anymore anyway so what difference does it make he might as well tell me the truth.

 

I'm 100% not responding to her texts no matter what she says. I'm pretty sure I won't even take her call. She can leave a voicemail and depending on what I hear from him today I will listen or delete.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

I am so sorry to hear your pain OP, but at this point, whether this girl had sex w your 'friend' or merely slept on his couch (yeah right!) is completely besides the point. It's over, and she did you seriously wrong.

 

Whether sex occurred between your 'friend' or not (it probably did), she froze you out for him. Lines were blatantly crossed regardless.

 

You can ask your 'friend' what happened if this phone call means that much to you, I'm not sure you will get any more answers though. Most likely you will get a story from him of her gaslighting you. That it seemed to take this much effort on your part to get your 'friend' to call you makes me think he isn't really your friend and you can go NC on him w a clean conscience.

 

As far as she goes I agree. The line was crossed for me the minute she got on the plane to fly down there. She was originally supposed to fly to see Me in December/January. I'm done with her. I tried for 3 months to talk to her like an adult after she froze me out and she refused to talk on the phone once. Would only have scattershot frustrating texts with me.

 

I'm just trying to find out from him 1)If he really is still my friend and 2)Just how long and wide ranging her deception and manipulation has been to me and others. It will help me move on easier.

 

I already have pretty much figured out she has BPD. She shows caring and empathy so long as she gets something back. It's like she's an emphatic/narcissist. She can feign kindness so long as she's getting something back to stroke her ego and lesson her insecurities.

 

I AM REALLY perturbed about him letting her stay not matter what happened though. So I kind of hope he'll just admit they hooked up and I can let that anger fuel me to just cut ties with the both of them and be done. If he did no wrong at least maybe I can open his eyes to what she really is and how she might be using him too.

Edited February 19, 2017 by Tusks_n_Raider

[dumbass2]

Here's the deal. You're not going to get closure, only more questions. Maybe when you talk to someone face to face you you can tell if they are being honest, but you can't do that over the phone. He can tell you he had sex with her and had been talking with her for months or he can just say nothing happened, she's just a friend and give a B.S. reason for not replying to you. No one likes to be questioned, so I don't see this going well at all. With both her and him nothing is salvageable because trust was broken and that is the only fact that you will ever know. You say to yourself that the way they treated you is extremely unacceptable and you never talk to either of them again or you lower yourself esteem and accept their their excuses. Bottom line is that you will never trust either of them again, so there is not point in questioning them.

 

Since I get a fell that you are going to talk to this guy regardless, remember that everything you say will get back to your ex and other friends that he is friends with and you may have your ex contacting you only to add more drama to this. She is not who you thought she was.

[dumbass2]

"If he did no wrong at least maybe I can open his eyes to what she really is and how she might be using him too."

Again, there is no way you will know if he did nothing wrong and if you go ahead and bad mouth her he will just take it like it's probably you and not her that has the issues. He may have more invested in her at this point than his friendship with you. Actually I can pretty much guarantee that based on what he has done. You're gonna come off like the "crazy ex"

[Tusks_n_Raider]

[update #3]

 

Oh my goodness I got the most incredible closure last night!!! I talked to my guy friend in Texas for 2 HOURS last night. The 1st 30 minutes was me just talking to him about our common interests/hobbies and friendship in general like any one of our normal calls before. He was behaving completely normal. I could tell he had NO idea what I was about to ask him as far as my EX goes.

 

So then I brought it up calmly and casually. Like "so man you know me and (Ex's name) have been in a relationship for over a year now.....We've been having issues and she was supposed to come visit me but then took the trip to Texas and saw you....She originally was supposed to couch surf visiting different people but then I hear she stayed the whole week with you.....so I was just wondering if you could shed some light on what was the situation with that?"

 

He didn't get offended, defensive, stammer or voice change/shake get nervous or anything to where I would have been alarmed at a lie coming. I know him REALLY well and feel pretty positive I could tell if he was telling or about to tell a lie. He's honestly a really nice guy like myself which is why I've been so willing to hear him out/give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

He said "sure man I can fill you in on all that". "Yeah she came down here and said she 1st went by some other people's house to stay a day or two and that fell through....so she came here asking if she could crash instead of scrambling to find a hotel.....I could tell that she was kind of gauging me to see if I was attracted to her and I shut that **** down right off. I gave her clear body language and general vibes that I only liked her as a friend....basically I friendzoned her right off the bat. I said sure you can stay if you need. We have an air-matress and some extra blankets so the living room floor is all yours."

 

He said she stayed for like 2 nights like that. Plus he was working that week and only saw her at night those days while she was doing whatever during the day. Then she had rented a car and drove 90 mins away to Dallas for 3 days to visit other people and scout out the job scene in Dallas in the cosmetics industry that she works in. Then she came back for like the final 1-2 days because that was closer to the airport she was leaving out from in Austin.

 

He told me "I mean she's a cool chick and all but honestly I'm just not attracted to her in the slightest like that.....I know what I'm looking for and she's not it...... and if she had tried something I would have shot her straight down....so I felt she got that vibe and she never tried anything because she knew I would reject that mess.... then things would have been major awkward. Plus I knew she had 'something' maybe still going on with you and I just wouldn't do that to you man". Then he finished with "and don't even worry I'm not gonna message her up and be all....blah blah blah (My Name) said all this and this about you blah blah". "I'm not going to get in the middle of that.....besides I have your back anyway and she DID do you wrong dude".

 

Then he proceed to tell me in detail about how he had JUST been screwed over by his Ex-GF for a lot of the same reasons and how it also started as an online long distance thing and how he got blindsided by her cheating and caught her and called her out. How happy he was to be single and that he has no interest in doing anything with anybody right now and especially nothing that involved long distance and online.

 

So basically I've pieced together that she went down there with some nefarious intentions. She was more than willing to predetermined cheat on me had he been willing. She actually blindsided him and caught him off guard by asking to stay longer that what he thought. But she got shot down and friendzoned instead which has this HUGE smile on my face right now that I can't even explain.

 

Also I feel she's used both me, him, and other people in other states as ways to try and get out of New York. To have people give her a base of operations to work out of for a week to Job Hunt and scout out potential living destinations. Trying to find someone who will give her potential shelter and help her get set up in a new city.

 

She's shady as it gets, completely flaky, not who I thought she was at all, and possibly has some sort of mental disorder. From many people I've talked to they say she shows all the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). With how reckless and prone to drastic changes she is coupled with her manipulation of others I believe it. I dodged a HUGE bullet.

 

I feel GREAT today....G-R-E-A-T. I can totally move on from this now and can't stop smiling thinking about her laying on an air mattress on the floor of the living room stewing over getting friendzoned.

[Downtown]

[update #3]From many people I've talked to they say she shows all the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Tusks, I'm glad to hear that you found the BPD information I posted in ReMake's thread helpful. I was going to mention something about it in your thread here but, by the time I had found your thread this morning, you had already figured out that you were seeing strong warning signs for BPD.

 

With how reckless and prone to drastic changes she is coupled with her manipulation of others I believe it. I dodged a HUGE bullet.

Yes, the "reckless" behavior and being "prone to drastic changes" are characteristics of BPDer behavior. The manipulation, however, is more characteristic of narcissism (or of sociopathy).

 

Granted, BPDers are so fearful (of abandonment and engulfment) that they typically try to be very controlling of their partners' actions. Yet, unlike manipulation, that controlling behavior usually is intended to protect themselves, not to harm you. To be successful, manipulation requires careful planning and flawless execution. In contrast, BPDers are too impulsive and reactive to their current feelings to be very good at making a plan and then executing it with their partners. Although they are very controlling, you likely will see it coming from a mile a way. This is why I distinguish "controlling" from "manipulation."

[Tusks_n_Raider]

Tusks, I'm glad to hear that you found the BPD information I posted in ReMake's thread helpful. I was going to mention something about it in your thread here but, by the time I had found your thread this morning, you had already figured out that you were seeing strong warning signs for BPD.

 

Yes, the "reckless" behavior and being "prone to drastic changes" are characteristics of BPDer behavior. The manipulation, however, is more characteristic of narcissism (or of sociopathy).

 

Granted, BPDers are so fearful (of abandonment and engulfment) that they typically try to be very controlling of their partners' actions. Yet, unlike manipulation, that controlling behavior usually is intended to protect themselves, not to harm you. To be successful, manipulation requires careful planning and flawless execution. In contrast, BPDers are too impulsive and reactive to their current feelings to be very good at making a plan and then executing it with their partners. Although they are very controlling, you likely will see it coming from a mile a way. This is why I distinguish "controlling" from "manipulation."

 

Yes that is a better way to word it. I guess I was trying to express that she uses her charm and guile to almost bewitch people and 'control' their actions. She is VERY charming and almost chameleon like. She convinced me that we were 'Twin Flame' soulmates by liking pretty much everything I liked and having identical views and thoughts.

 

She mimics other people too online on social media. She constantly seeks attention and agrees with everyone about everything. I've even seen her contradict herself in different discussions with different people. Things that make one say well that's hypocritical compared to what she said the other day?

 

She constantly posts 'Selfies' online too through FB and Instagram and flirts with anyone who responds to varying degrees. I should have seen Red Flags and Bells ringing but I didn't.

 

I think she IS capable of caring and did genuinely seem to 'be in love' with me for the 1st year. That's why I'm not theorizing her being a sociopath. I think she is truly a BPDer with actions that can seen as 'vain' or mimic narcissism though because her self esteem is so low she needs constant attention based on her looks.

 

She's Obsessed with makeup/cosmetics. Like WAY more than the average female would normally be I think. Even my friend commented that "dude she took forever in the bathroom when she was her doing her makeup and junk....me and my roommate kept going what is taking her sooooo looooong???!"

 

Again thank you for the insight from your previous links and giving some extra input here. I feel like such a weight has been lifted off of me right now by not being in limbo trying to figure out how a person could be so passionately in love with me for a year+ and then just *poof* not want anything to do with me.

Edited February 21, 2017 by Tusks_n_Raider

[dumbass2]

so what are you going to do with her now?

[Tusks_n_Raider]

so what are you going to do with her now?

 

Well pretty much nothing. I still Love the person I thought I knew and will grieve that part still I suppose for a certain time because to me it was all real in the moment.....but she's NOT 'her' in hindsight and now I know and understand that which helps lesson the pain.

 

I do have empathy and compassion for her in general that she is obviously stricken by a serious mental condition. But I'm not a Doctor and can't help or fix her. Believe me I tried before I even knew what BPD was.

 

When I tried to resolve things it would push her away and if I gave her space she would come back almost dipping her toes into conversation with me through text about superficial trivial things; OR... She might would even 'Sext' me, but if I tried to transition the talks to our relationship and feelings in a real way she would bolt again.

 

It was a constant push/pull, hot/lukewarm/cold dance happening the last 3-4 months. If I could wave a magic wand and have her be the person I thought I knew for a year+ and that person be real and stable I would still want her...... but I can't so I'm moving on as best as I can.

 

So I'm staying NC. I've got her blocked. I'm not going to respond to any message or call going forward (not that I expect one anyway). I just sort of feel better right now having a grasp on what happened. I no longer feel like a piece of garbage or that I did anything to 'mess up'. It was just doomed from the beginning.

[Tusks_n_Raider]

Here's the deal. You're not going to get closure, only more questions.

 

Since I get a fell that you are going to talk to this guy regardless, remember that everything you say will get back to your ex and other friends that he is friends with and you may have your ex contacting you only to add more drama to this. She is not who you thought she was.

 

Well a few days later and it turns out you were spot on right about this. Last night out of my two friends that are married the wife called me and talked to me for 3 hours. I'll call her 'L.M.' to make the next part less confusing.

 

She(L.M.) said that my Ex-Gf contacted her through a FB pm saying that the Texas guy 'friend' had told my Ex that I had been "aggressively trying to get him on the phone" (I sent him 3 casual vague messages days apart) and talking to them (L.M. and her husband) about her(Ex).

 

My Ex then also sent L.M. a follow up LONG message with detailed personal info about me to describe how she was the saint helping me out for over a year and that I DID HER WRONG??? My EX then also asked for L.M.'s phone number to call and talk to make sure I wasn't painting her in a bad light because she wanted to remain friends with them. Again this couple are MY friends. I've known the husband for 8 years and the wife for 5 years.

 

So yeah anyway L.M. read me the whole message over the phone and was like 'What the heck should I even say to her on the phone? We are your friends 1st not hers?' It turned into a long 3 hour phone conversation like I said earlier where I went into further detail explaining how badly this Ex has done me and how that message was full of half truth/half fiction.

 

I then apologized to L.M. for her getting put in the middle and that I really didn't know what to tell her to talk about with my Ex if she felt inclined to receive a call. But to not hold her breath worrying about it because I couldn't get my EX to call me in 3 months to fix things.

 

So anyway it's turned into a HUGE cluster**** Drama now. I'm still NC with the Ex and she hasn't tried to message me or call me. But I'm back to distrusting the guy friend in Texas now. He had JUST told me he wouldn't say anything to my Ex yet told her I had been reaching out to him AND that I had talked to my Married couple friends.

 

So it's a mess now and I have no idea what's going to happen next. No point in me talking to the Texas guy or my Ex because I don't trust either

[keiji]

Dude, what a mess.

 

Your "friend" from Texas is obviously a liar. He ended the call with you and called her straight away. She knows at least that you both talked, so they definitely had a conversation. It's not like he's on your side.

 

Your ex is at least a problematic person that causes trouble wherever she goes and has no qualms in propagating s**** all around.

 

I think the situation is very clear: you have to close the door on both and throw away the key.

Edited February 22, 2017 by keiji