Pisces91 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Hi everyone, I just wanted to seek some advice as I'm having a really horrendous time getting over a recent break-up. My ex is treating me in a particularly cold way and I can't understand why. I've been driving myself mad trying to rationalise why he's behaving the way he is. I just think it would be helpful to gain some insight - especially from a male perspective - as to why he's treating me like this. So here goes... The break-up was particularly gut-wrenching. He did it over email, very unexpectedly. He gave the reason for it as him being very insecure, and blamed it on an argument we had a few days beforehand. What really upset me about this is the fact that we were both equally at fault for the argument, yet he made me feel like the worst person in the world. It was over him giving me the silent treatment because I didn't offer to "go halves" on the shopping earlier that day. He didn't even tell me this was a problem at the time - he just want completely silent until later that evening when he finally raised the issue. I said something about how he should have raised the issue at the time, and that I felt he was talking to me like a child. Just a couple of silly, throwaway comments that any other couple would shrug off. The saddening thing is that we talked through it and everything was back to normal. Then he completely 180-d on me by sending that email the next day. Before this, we had an absolutely amazing relationship. We were like two peas in a pod - same interests, sense of humour, taste in TV/books, similar ambitions, outlooks on life etc. The passion side was also incredible. We spent huge chunks of time staying over at eachother's places and he even introduced me to his parents. What hurts so much is the fact we told each other we loved one another just weeks before this mess happened. Like him I've also been struggling with unemployment and my self-esteem has been at an all-time low, but I've been trying my utmost to power through it and keep my head above water. It just hurts so much that I've wanted to support him through this difficult period but I'm being completely shunned. After he broke up with me, he refused to take any of my calls and hasn't responded to my emails. We then met up last month, when he gave me my stuff and he confessed that he needed to be on his own. He said he's been feeling insecure about job stuff due to being unemployed and the fact he's trying to make it on his own by freelancing. This, of course, I can only assume is a massive part to do with why he broke up with me, not just that dumb fight. But what upsets me is the fact that he's completely shutting me out of his life. He said it will take "months, even years" to rebuild any sort of friendship. I don't get why he's saying this as it's not like we had some blazing row, or one of us did something exceptionally horrible like cheat on the other. It was just a stupid argument. I've tried so hard to get through to him - I've told him I'm not angry at him and want him to be happy and confident in himself more than anything, but it seems he has frozen me out of his life. It hurts so much, when I've done nothing but be supportive of him in his career plans. I've been respectful and given him his space, but don't know what to do anymore. It's taken a huge toll on me emotionally and my confidence/self-worth have plummeted in the process. The hardest part of this for me is that fact this guy, who I was incredibly close to, who was nothing but a gentleman and kind soul, has shut me out like a complete stranger, literally overnight. It feels like a grievance process, and I've been trying so hard to pull myself out of it, but it seems to be getting harder with each week. I guess what I want to ask, is if anyone can offer any insight into why he's behaving like this, and do you think there's any hope of us ever speaking to one another again? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Why he's doing this doesn't matter. Fact is that this is how he's behaving. While his decision to break up over e-mail & then not speak to you is cruel, it was his choice. Based on that cold heartedness alone, you need to accept that it's over & you aren't getting back together. You want the good times back. You want the two peas in a pod. What you have is a cold hearted guy who is insecure, unemployed & unwilling to talk to you. Why you would want that reality back is the Q. You aren't going to get the good stuff back. So you need to let go. Stop trying to talk to him or to get an explanation from him. All you can do is accept the heartbreaking reality of your situation, take time to heal yourself & move forward in a positive fashion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pisces91 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 Why he's doing this doesn't matter. Fact is that this is how he's behaving. While his decision to break up over e-mail & then not speak to you is cruel, it was his choice. Based on that cold heartedness alone, you need to accept that it's over & you aren't getting back together. You want the good times back. You want the two peas in a pod. What you have is a cold hearted guy who is insecure, unemployed & unwilling to talk to you. Why you would want that reality back is the Q. You aren't going to get the good stuff back. So you need to let go. Stop trying to talk to him or to get an explanation from him. All you can do is accept the heartbreaking reality of your situation, take time to heal yourself & move forward in a positive fashion. Hi, Thanks for your feedback. It's not the case that I want things back how they were - I've accepted the fact this won't happen, as devastated as I am by this. What I'm struggling with is the fact he turned out to have this other side to him that just came out of nowhere. I guess I'm in a state of complete shock. He told me the last time we met that he wanted me in his life, but after this I got an email saying all this stuff about how it will take months for us to rebuild any sort of friendship. He also told me he hates himself every day for hurting me ending things the way he did, yet he continues to make me feel sh*t about myself by not even acknowledging my existence. I'm just so lost and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 How long had you been dating? I think you are right that this break-up wasn't the result of one argument. Whether it's his personal struggles in finding work or something else, something made him seek an exit. Him telling you it will take "months" or even more to rebuild a friendship is his roundabout way of telling you that you two will not be reconciling and that you shouldn't expect to hear from him. He has been very clear that he doesn't want your support. I know this hurts, and no wonder - it's an awful feeling to be suddenly shut out. I have a feeling there was more going on with him that led to this, even if you didn't connect the dots at the time. Were there any signs that he was feeling down, or detached, or distracted? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 You're acting as if he has no right to stop having contact with you after a breakup when that is in fact usually the best thing to do for both sides. It allows them both to move on and prevents them both from interfering with future dating. You have to face reality here. He is done. I'm sure he feels he's talked to you and heard everything he wants to hear, and then he decided he had to leave. I'm sorry you are hurting, but you have to face reality and not disrespect him by not taking "no" for an answer. Get some counseling if you need to talk about it with someone and find out why you're hanging on when it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pisces91 Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 How long had you been dating? I think you are right that this break-up wasn't the result of one argument. Whether it's his personal struggles in finding work or something else, something made him seek an exit. Him telling you it will take "months" or even more to rebuild a friendship is his roundabout way of telling you that you two will not be reconciling and that you shouldn't expect to hear from him. He has been very clear that he doesn't want your support. I know this hurts, and no wonder - it's an awful feeling to be suddenly shut out. I have a feeling there was more going on with him that led to this, even if you didn't connect the dots at the time. Were there any signs that he was feeling down, or detached, or distracted? We'd been dating 8 months, and this was the first proper argument we had. I think we'd both been feeling really insecure about our lack of employment, and that this was playing on both our minds. He has been incredibly distracted by work, and his desire to break into an industry he's wanted to be in for years. I guess this has overshadowed his desire for a relationship. He took my throwaway comment very personally. I strongly suspect it's linked to his low self-esteem, which stems from him not getting a job in the field he is desperate to pursue. We both have the low self esteem something common, with mine stemming from parental abuse. Of course I've respected his wish for space.The most contact I've had with him this past two months is a text to see how he was doing, but I didn't get a reply. I just feel really hurt and betrayed by the fact he assured me everything was fine after the argument, showering me with affection and even making all these plans for our future together. Then he just cut me off cold the next day. When we finally met up he kept contradicting himself, saying that he no longer had feelings for me, then as we parted he said we should leave it a month or so before meeting up again because there are "obviously still strong feelings between us". He said I "mean so much to him" and that he "hates himself every day" for what he did. He's kept me on social media and admitted that he checks out what I've been up to. But I feel that this isn't fair on me. Why should he be able to cut me from his life and still have the right to see what I'm up to? Maybe I should just delete him from my life all together. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 You are broken up and that's why he is distancing himself from you. He knows that he can't be your friend right now because you want more (and you know this.) He is doing the right thing by going NC. Trust me you would be feel rejected and confused if you tried to hang out with him as friends at this point. The point of a break up is to not see each other anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 OP, you absolutely need to delete him. There's no reason to keep him on social media at this point. I can understand why you're confused about him assuring you everything was fine and then cutting you off the next day. That's why I suspect there's more to this than the one argument. His continued silence since then, however, supports his decision to end the relationship. Hearing from him would only serve to further confuse you. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 "Ex treating me so coldly - why?" The title is all I need to answer this. Because you are an EX. You two do not owe anything to each other any more.If you feel an ex is being cold or cruel then you only have one option and that is to block and remove them from all social media and any way of contacting you. There really is no other answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 When an ex is cold towards you it means they're indifferent. Once they're indifferent there is no hope for reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Clearly, he's done with you. Why? Who knows? Most people won't tell you the truth, because they think it will hurt you needlessly. Most people's truth is that either they're not feeling it anymore, or worse, they found someone else and they felt the same thing they felt with you, and at the same time, they stopped feeling it with you. Why did that happen? Nobody knows, not even you bf. But there's no way to say that without hurting your feelings and here we are. Link to post Share on other sites
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