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alone to pick up the pieces AGAIN.


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Hi all,

 

Im sure some of you might remember from the first time I ever posted in this site which was about a year ago when I cruelly dumped by my ex. I wont go into the details of the first breakup because yeah long story. Basically went through a few months of hell.

 

Well one year later here I am again grieving AGAIN the loss of the same man. I don't want to say from square one but maybe square three. The first month of the first breakup, I was seriously a hot mess. I tried to get him to reconsider and begged and nothing. After a few months, meaning two months after breakup, I found out he had a new girlfriend which ripped the rest of whatever was left in me. I went half NC and im saying half because I kept checking his whatsapp picture and his ig profile picture which was with my replacement on both. This gave me the courage to begin moving on. Six months in i was FINALLY starting to see some light in my path after being in such dark tunnel. I had began accepting, dating others, and having fun like i used to. I stopped checking social media and everything else.

 

Six month mark, somehow he found a way to get in touch with me and although I had blocked him everywhere, forgot to block instagram and there he sent me messages and a request. I gave in. All my progress went out the window. The first few months I wanted him back so bad. I would dream of the day he would come back, and when he did come back I loved him but it was so much different. It was someone special but someone who had deeply hurt me. I couldn't see him in the same light. He was able to go on and have a new life before he dumped me and I had no idea.

 

We try a second chance. I try because I don't want to live with what if's and so on. This again ruined ALL the progress I had already made. Second chance NEVER felt the same, felt like I was forcing myself to create this illusional idea I had in my head and didn't work. I tried and tried and nothing but I didn't want to let go. We moved in together and everything was okay but I remember how I would have killed to live with him in the past, and now it was just blah. I did not feel excited to come home to him, I missed my family, I normally do but I missed living with them, I missed my home because It didn't feel like home.

 

To cut the story short because a lot of things happened. We managed to have okay days because I was never happy with him again. Here I am again one year later not healed and still struggling with the pain.

 

I would like to encourage those DUMPEES on this site today to take me as an example and MOVE ON. Leave the past where it belongs in the past and see your ex as an EXperience. It's easier said than done and I know first hand but it's much better than to not have made as much progress as you should have. You don't deserve and should be here in 2018 posting about the same person who left you behind in 2017.

 

I am doing a hell lot better than during the first breakup because I don't have any questions. I guess closure. However I am still very sad, specially today. Not sure if its because just 3 weeks ago I was still living with him and coming home to him, or because I miss him, I know he's probably already sleeping with the next girl as he does not dwell on anything yes even me that he claimed to have loved and so on. He even admitted that I didn't cross his mind when we were apart. Then last week , he rubbed in my face that he is so happy. That he went to AC for the weekend not to bother him. That he was going clubbing. Last time we had contact was only because we lived together and had to discuss logistics of our apt but he threw it out there. Meanwhile im here again, with very little energy to do anything and picking up my own pieces.

 

Im pretty sure he's doing the same things he did last year, having a blast while I suffer. I know I shouldn't care what he is doing but in time I hope to just remember him as someone who was once important in my life. I don't understand WHY im so sad when I was miserable while being with him. I had no peace of mind and now I have that. I have been COMPLETE NC and have had no urge to contact or check what so ever and WILL NOT EVER again. Has this happened to anyone?

 

I know some of you may read this and say the same things my friends and family told me "I TOLD YOU SO" but im here for support as everyone else. I've made mistakes and I can only say im only human.

 

I would like to know some people who have experienced healing after they thought they never would. I feel like although my ex and I are not compatible, I will not meet someone as great as him. I usually date players and he was the complete opposite yet he STILL broke my heart one year ago. :(

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I've come back from places that I thought there was no coming back from. Once due to an ex, and twice due to other things that I won't go into here.

 

In February 2016 my girlfriend of over 3 years just vanished off the face of the Earth. Stopped replying to messages, offered no explanation, and so on. Both in our 40's and although we had issues, I thought we were both in it for the long haul. Boy was I wrong. I made the mistake of blowing up her inbox for 3 months! Long story short we got back together in May 2016, and broke up for the final time on August 2016.

 

Between May and August, things were different. Whereas before we had at least tried to discuss things, now we (or rather she) didn't even bother. Truth is I was miserable but was falling over myself trying to make her happy. In August she did the disappearing act again, after telling me I'm "full of ****" when she made up something about me that simply isn't true. I was actually quite happy that she vanished in August and started getting on with life straight away, although I thought about her daily. In October I tried to reconnect with her, thinking that the dust would have settled and maybe we could have an adult conversation about it all. Wrong again. After sending me a photo of herself, and then sending some photos of us together, I told her I had received some unwanted attention from a female on my birthday and it reminded me of how much I missed her. She then said "12 days after splitting up you are ****ing someone else? We are over!"

 

No, How does "I had unwanted attention and it made me realise how much I miss you" go to "I slept with someone"??? Anyway, I sent her messages and it all went further downhill from there. I was back to where I was in February. A mess. I wasn't eating properly, sleeping properly, or doing anything that didn't involve trying to get her to talk to me so I could explain. I still haven't had that chance.

 

Where am I going with this? Well here we are in February and I still think of her daily. Sometimes it's anger at how she treated me. Sometimes it's sadness that something that was once so good turned to absolute ****. Every day though. The thing is, I wasn't happy in the relationship 2nd time around. It was entirely on her terms and I felt that I had no say at all in the relationship, from little things such as what we went to see at the cinema, to bigger issues such as where we went from there. I was essentially just along for the ride until she decided to discard me again.

 

It's an odd feeling to miss someone terribly that treated your relationship like a disposable razor. To miss them even though you know you weren't happy when with them. For me, I think I miss the fantasy I was 100% sold on for the first 3 years. When I'm missing her, I'm thinking about those times, not the final year when in all honesty, it was months of sheer hell. When I think about all the things she said and did in that year, that's when I get angry. Now because she had shown that is who she is now, it's not actually HER that I miss anymore. It's the relationship we had before she turned into who she is now.

 

My point is that in both February - May, and Oct-December I was in a right state. There were times I seriously thought I didn't want to carry on. Now although I'm not over her, not by a long shot, I am starting to move forward with my life without her. I'm starting to realise and understand that she is not the wonderful woman I thought she was for so long. She is racist, sexist, self absorbed, lacks empathy, cannot communicate effectively, lacks any depth, and is unable to resolve conflict, or even a difference of opinion. Is that really a wonderful woman? Hell no. So why do I still miss her? I don't know in all honesty. You can't wind back the clock. I know who she really is now. She will never go back to the person I thought she was.

 

When I'm feeling good and confident, I tend to be more angry or "What the hell was I thinking?" about her. When I'm feeling down or lonely I tend to miss her and think "Maybe she isn't really as bad as that". I still dream of the day that she will contact me and how I am in myself at that time, if it ever happens, will determine how I react to it. One thing is for sure. It would take more work on her part than she would ever be willing to put in for me to trust her again. That's how I know it really is over. Even if she came begging and pleading, which would never happen anyway, I know deep down that it would just all end in tears again because she is not the sort of person to look inwards and work on her issues. She had them before we got together, and no doubt still has the same issues now. I don't think that will ever change.

 

Sorry for the long rambling, but hopefully you find bits and pieces you can relate to :)

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PLT thank you for your words. I loved the details in your story as we can relate.

 

You give me hope that I will get through this and hopefully look back live i've thought of my past relationships and say "What was I thinking"

 

Granted Here i am missing him. :( hope it goes away

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Sorry, kztar, but thank you for coming back to give your insight to others here. And yes, I have also had experiences I felt I could not recover from (some multiple times from the same person), but I did.

 

Even just a few months ago I experienced something, that, had I not learned from something else in the past, might have seriously hurt me. It did hurt, but not in the same, deep way, and it certainly did not last as long. It is very interesting to me how we can heal from things and become stronger, if we are able to learn from them. I hope that you have learned from this so you can begin healing quickly and move on to a better life. :)

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Hi bluefeather,

 

I think it's only right to encourage others here as this forum has tremendously helped me. It feels good to know that you are not alone because when we go through such experiences we may feel very much alone.

 

I am looking forward to the future. I can't say how long it will take me to move on but I know that every day is a day closer to that. It's been a really important learning experience for me, therefore I will take all the lessons learned.

 

I wish everyone a successful healing and a bright future ahead :)

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Hey kztsr thanku for ur story 1st and foremost and yes it happenned to me. My wife split from me and virtually after trying for mths gave up and really moved on i started to feel happy again went over seas met a girl and fel in lov again but was only short lived but helped me move on and not care wether the ex wife was coming back started a new relationship wth a new girl she mus t hav picked up I'd moved on they always do wen u finally forget them lol always the way...called me a million times wanting to work things out. I told her I need space now and basically she brang me bac to square one i finally called it off wth my new gf realising I was still not over my ex wife and decided I wanted to try and work things out. The ex wife then started going hot n cold this continued for a few mths of breadcrumbs wen finally I pressed her on it and she wanted a divorce. Wat a waste of time i was in a good place and she Brang me bac to square one it took yrs to finally heal and forget her and that time she kinda sabotaged wat I'd started wth the new girl. 3 yrs later because I'd never fully gotten over the ex I wasn't emotionally ready or present wth my current partner and it sabotaged that relationship and she cheated wth a close friend of mine. Never had I experienced such pain a dbl wammie. Anyway fast forward 6 yrs and another relationship ends because I hadn't dealt wt jb the trust issues created from the last relationship wth the cheating. Now I'm scared to get involved again lol im scared of woman of how they can cut u off if there needs aren't met. Anyway the lesson for me was next time heal and be present and choose wisely by asking good questions. I'm a lil wiser now I hope for instance the moment I hear them continually talk about an ex im out or if I kno they're leaving there current partner im out they'll do the same wth me. Sad all i ever wanted was to feel safe and secure in a relationship but there's always so much unnecessary drama

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Hey kztsr thanku for ur story 1st and foremost and yes it happenned to me. My wife split from me and virtually after trying for mths gave up and really moved on i started to feel happy again went over seas met a girl and fel in lov again but was only short lived but helped me move on and not care wether the ex wife was coming back started a new relationship wth a new girl she mus t hav picked up I'd moved on they always do wen u finally forget them lol always the way...called me a million times wanting to work things out. I told her I need space now and basically she brang me bac to square one i finally called it off wth my new gf realising I was still not over my ex wife and decided I wanted to try and work things out. The ex wife then started going hot n cold this continued for a few mths of breadcrumbs wen finally I pressed her on it and she wanted a divorce. Wat a waste of time i was in a good place and she Brang me bac to square one it took yrs to finally heal and forget her and that time she kinda sabotaged wat I'd started wth the new girl. 3 yrs later because I'd never fully gotten over the ex I wasn't emotionally ready or present wth my current partner and it sabotaged that relationship and she cheated wth a close friend of mine. Never had I experienced such pain a dbl wammie. Anyway fast forward 6 yrs and another relationship ends because I hadn't dealt wt jb the trust issues created from the last relationship wth the cheating. Now I'm scared to get involved again lol im scared of woman of how they can cut u off if there needs aren't met. Anyway the lesson for me was next time heal and be present and choose wisely by asking good questions. I'm a lil wiser now I hope for instance the moment I hear them continually talk about an ex im out or if I kno they're leaving there current partner im out they'll do the same wth me. Sad all i ever wanted was to feel safe and secure in a relationship but there's always so much unnecessary drama

 

I guess we all go through something like we want to give up until we meet someone else and potentially go through the same.

 

It's not only woman but men do it too. I think that the biggest difference is that with women once they are done they are done. Men seem to make impulsive decisions and then look back at how much they screwed up.

 

I also see times have changed. I read alot on these forums of people who have good and healthy relationships but they want more out of life. I mean IDK sounds like people always want more than what they have. Been there with my ex as well. Humans are complicated.

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I would like to encourage those DUMPEES on this site today to take me as an example and MOVE ON. Leave the past where it belongs in the past and see your ex as an EXperience. It's easier said than done and I know first hand but it's much better than to not have made as much progress as you should have. You don't deserve and should be here in 2018 posting about the same person who left you behind in 2017.

 

 

Hi Kztar!

 

Thank you for taking the time to share your story and give some great advice! I am truly sorry for what you are going thru.... this must be awful. Give yourself time, surround yourself with people who love and accept you completely.

 

I 100% agree with you to leave the past in the past. There may be people on here who hope for reconciliations or say after 6 months months both people have grown and its a new relationship. I personally will never go back to an ex.

 

It's NEVER the same. I was with one of my exes for 1 year. We broke up for 1 year and then got back together. The first time around he dumped me and when we got back together I could never fully trust him again. I always thought he was one step away from breaking up with me. We broke up the second time, mutually, and I was back to square one of my healing.

 

Please know your not alone in this. And plz don't feel guilty for going back to him. I believe many of us have to experience this... before we truly realize it's not worth it! I have copied the above quote from your post to my phone as a reminder to not go back to my current ex!

 

Big hugs my friend!

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Thanks divegrl.

 

Hugs to you as well.

 

Vday is here and I called out of work. I don't want to see anyone.

 

I just want this feeling to go away. I had a dream with his mom. It's so annoying to know that I wasn't happy with him and now I'm struggling as wellZ

 

Hope it goes away!

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Thanks divegrl.

 

Hugs to you as well.

 

Vday is here and I called out of work. I don't want to see anyone.

 

I just want this feeling to go away. I had a dream with his mom. It's so annoying to know that I wasn't happy with him and now I'm struggling as wellZ

 

Hope it goes away!

 

Treat yourself with compassion and kindness. And on this day, do something nice for yourself. Go out and get your nails done. Get a massage. Draw yourself a bubble bath. Treat yourself to a nice meal -- this day is also about honoring and loving yourself.

 

You're going to get through this. Unfortunately, the only way past it is to go through it but one day at a time. Grieve. Lean on your friends and family. Post as much as you need to. There's going to come a day when you will see that light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong!

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Treat yourself with compassion and kindness. And on this day, do something nice for yourself. Go out and get your nails done. Get a massage. Draw yourself a bubble bath. Treat yourself to a nice meal -- this day is also about honoring and loving yourself.

 

You're going to get through this. Unfortunately, the only way past it is to go through it but one day at a time. Grieve. Lean on your friends and family. Post as much as you need to. There's going to come a day when you will see that light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong!

 

Hello Zahara,

 

THANK YOU for your advice. You along with some of the older posters here always have great insight and advice.

 

You are one of the few people who have followed my story. A few days ago, I was going back to one of my threads and seeing all the advice. I used my heart and not my logic and got sucked into the trap again after I was doing SO WELL. Anyhow, I appreciate your advice and this time I will really grow and move on to new experiences.

 

I have decided to take a long bubble bath, read my book "the girl on the train" and spend time with my mom, dad and sister.

 

I will keep posting here, only place that I am understood. Friends and family think I should be over this. Easier said than done.

 

Happy V-day.

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You're very welcome, kztar.

 

And don't beat yourself up about following your heart. You did what you did based on how you were feeling at the time and whether right or wrong, the experience teaches us for the better. You chose to be vulnerable and to enter with sincerity so don't discount yourself for being true to who you were.

 

I'm glad to hear you're not secluding yourself on this day.

 

Each and every person grieves a loss on their own timeline. Don't rush the process. Don't listen to those that want you get over it. You just do you, kztar. Just do you.

 

Happy V Day to you too! You're going to get over this.

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So today I am feeling pretty down and s***y. I have just realized that I am single again and im going to be 27 yrs old in less than three months. :( I feel like I will never meet someone as good as him. Although it wasn't all good he was really the best i've ever had and I believe vise versa. I didn't even think that existed prior to him because of how poorly all the other guys that i've dated treated me. It really just sucks that we were not compatible to sustain what we had the first time around and it hurts.

 

I woke up thinking about all the good when we first started dating over two years ago. How we met by chance, instantly connected. Also about all the qualities in him that made me fall in love with him. How the fact that he was a 180 than the type I would usually go for "paid off" because he was so great for a while. Our families loved us together and I really felt I had met the "one" based on some of those feelings people described. How they just "know" and stuff. Well I felt like that for a while. He was attentive, made alot of effort, he was so honest, i trusted this guy like no other before. He never lied to me like EVER (1st time around).When people told me it sounds like theres someone else when he dumped me last time, my thoughts were NOOO HE WOULD NEVER EVER do that until the thoughts slowly but surely began to take over my mind. It wasn't until the day I saw him and his new person that all that trust fell apart the same way my heart did.

 

I know that I am young but I don't feel so young anymore. I wanted to have children before 30 and this was after marriage. YEAH that't nowhere near. I live in NYC and I doubt I will find someone who will want to settle down kind of early. Not that I want to at this point, I don't even think it will happen anyway. I have friends who are over 30 and laugh at marriage and their co-workers who go to work talking about their wives and kids, meanwhile they are living free as a bird hooking up with random girls at bars with no intentions of settling down soon. My ex was not like my friends he looked forward to being married and having a family soonish. His sister is 24 and she just got married.

 

Im such a fool. Everyone reminds me of how bad he treated me and I simply can't get over my head that I won't ever meet anyone who treats me better than him. I feel like the girl he ends up marrying will be so lucky. Maybe not he has some terrible qualities as well.

 

How do I get these stupid thoughts of my head?

 

I want to just forget him. :(

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Im such a fool. Everyone reminds me of how bad he treated me and I simply can't get over my head that I won't ever meet anyone who treats me better than him. I feel like the girl he ends up marrying will be so lucky. Maybe not he has some terrible qualities as well.

 

How do I get these stupid thoughts of my head?

 

I want to just forget him. :(

 

You're not a fool, if he actually treated you badly ( possible emotional abuse!) then what you're feeling is completely normal don't be hard on yourself. You probably need therapy and also NC is crucial.

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You're not a fool, if he actually treated you badly ( possible emotional abuse!) then what you're feeling is completely normal don't be hard on yourself. You probably need therapy and also NC is crucial.

 

Totally NC. Well I guess if I think about it he didn't treat me badly but rather emotionally destroyed me.

 

There were instances where he did treat me poorly but I don't want to say bad as it was not abusive.

 

Second time we abused each other emotionally. Harsh truth

 

Thanks for your advice.

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Totally NC. Well I guess if I think about it he didn't treat me badly but rather emotionally destroyed me.

 

There were instances where he did treat me poorly but I don't want to say bad as it was not abusive.

 

Second time we abused each other emotionally. Harsh truth

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

The aftermath of an emotionally abusive / toxic relationships is huge and it will destroy the person's self worth if it's not addressed properly.

 

Good you're going total NC, that's the first step to recover also you might want to read about " Trauma Bonding" i high recommend books like

 

 

  • The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes

 

  • Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

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The aftermath of an emotionally abusive / toxic relationships is huge and it will destroy the person's self worth if it's not addressed properly.

 

Good you're going total NC, that's the first step to recover also you might want to read about " Trauma Bonding" i high recommend books like

 

 

  • The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes

 

  • Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

 

I love reading. Im going to pick these up.

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I have the urge to text him and say im so sorry about everything. Feel like I don't want to fully close that door. If it's meant to be it will be. So not good.

 

But I know that wont do me any good.

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I have the urge to text him and say im so sorry about everything. Feel like I don't want to fully close that door. If it's meant to be it will be. So not good.

 

But I know that wont do me any good.

 

Stick to NC and delete him number, the urge to contact him will always be there it's normal, the only way to break the cycle is by not repeating the same mistakes ( contact, apologizing...). You don't need to apologize for moving on and taking steps to recover.

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Stick to NC and delete him number, the urge to contact him will always be there it's normal, the only way to break the cycle is by not repeating the same mistakes ( contact, apologizing...). You don't need to apologize for moving on and taking steps to recover.

 

Yes I agree. Im sticking to NC and have him blocked everywhere. I do know his number by heart but yeah im not breaking NC. I know how much it can/will set me back if i break it.

 

I have blocked him because I don't want to know if he has texted me or not. I don't want to be disappointed if he has not texted me and not be set back if he does. If that makes sense.

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Kztar - I'm sorry you are going through this. In NYC I don't see a lot of guys wanting to settle down. But there are a lot of people there so I'm sure they are out there.

 

I have to admit I'm surprised about your reaction and others who posted. I've read that second chances are often a way for the dumpee to regain power in that they realize the person wasn't all they made them out to be and it is usually the dumpee who ends things the second time around.

 

I'm sure it's sad to realize when something is finally over but it does give you closure and does not leave you with regrets or what ifs. It starts you on a path where your ex is no longer a factor and you can truly move on.

 

From what I've read here that feeling is bittersweet and can cause even more pain.

 

Best of luck in healing.

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Yes I agree. Im sticking to NC and have him blocked everywhere. I do know his number by heart but yeah im not breaking NC. I know how much it can/will set me back if i break it.

 

I have blocked him because I don't want to know if he has texted me or not. I don't want to be disappointed if he has not texted me and not be set back if he does. If that makes sense.

 

Good attitude just remember missing him and having urges to contact him are normal don't be too hard on yourself when it happens. You're going to be okay always remind yourself that you deserve better.

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Kztar - I'm sorry you are going through this. In NYC I don't see a lot of guys wanting to settle down. But there are a lot of people there so I'm sure they are out there.

 

I have to admit I'm surprised about your reaction and others who posted. I've read that second chances are often a way for the dumpee to regain power in that they realize the person wasn't all they made them out to be and it is usually the dumpee who ends things the second time around.

 

I'm sure it's sad to realize when something is finally over but it does give you closure and does not leave you with regrets or what ifs. It starts you on a path where your ex is no longer a factor and you can truly move on.

 

From what I've read here that feeling is bittersweet and can cause even more pain.

 

Best of luck in healing.

 

Hi Sevencity,

 

Yes there are TONS of people here but it really is rinse and repeat with a lot of men here. The very few ones that want to settle down early are already taken for the most part. Im sure that they are OUT there but not many. There's also soooo many options that like everything come good and bad. When you actually find someone who is willing to commit is a big deal but unfortunately things didn't work out.

 

So about the second chance that's basically what happened to me in a way. I couldn't get over all the hurt and couldn't see him the same as his true colors revealed when we broke up the first time. Although I went for a second chance, I was not happy. I kept thinking how someone could someone have loved you so much, just go on with their lives and not even think you exist for months and then come back like nothing ?. That is a hard pill to swallow. Then to come back a few months later like we can pick up where all the good times.

 

Everyone would tell me you need to get over it and so on. While I was crying myself to sleep every night this guy had completely forgotten about me and moved on like I was never even a part of his life. That is who he is I learned, he has very little regards for other people's feelings. (Negative negative trait of his). He was doing the same a week after we broke up the second time.

 

This is nearly impossible which is why the dumpee usually takes the power. At the end of the day our relationship broke for good a year ago and I must say I tried to keep us together the first time around when basically there was still time to save it. There was still not the pain of someone else, or huge baggage just our issues. Nothing big like broken trust or betrayal. He chose to walk away and then bring the baggage for us to carry. Some people can deal with that and others like myself cannot.

 

Too much damage had already been done but worth a try. The other thing is that although I loved him and still do, there comes a time when you realize that love is not enough and that's what is happening to me.

 

I will continue NC and continue healing. One day at a time but I know it will get better in time.

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I want you to empathize with you about the terrible feeling of losing that person who was the best you ever had. I know that feeling so so well. I have gone through six yes six breakups with a woman I was certain was the love of my life. I can't give you any advice because I can't even get to the nc stage yet but I can tell you that I envy your strength and am inspired by it as well as your story. It is one of the worst feeling I've ever experienced and it felt good to hear that I'm not alone. No one in my support group gets it

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Good attitude just remember missing him and having urges to contact him are normal don't be too hard on yourself when it happens. You're going to be okay always remind yourself that you deserve better.

 

Thank you so much. I will keep posting here. I look forward to the day I can come back and tell everyone my progress.

 

Hugs.

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