moving on even when ex gives you hope

[marie25]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first post on here.

Just a few details:

We had been in a long distance relationship (within same state but hours away) for about 5 months, and in a relationship for two years (on Valentines day.. ).

I had terrible habits within the relationship - I was a flighty person and we were fighting a lot due to immaturity and the distance - and so I would break up a lot in bad fights. Hours later, I would realize that I was only doing that out of emotion, and ask for him back.

 

This happened many times, and many times he asked me to stop doing it. For some reason, even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't stop (call it lack of emotional control..immaturity..etc. your guess is as good as mine. it seemed against my control whenever I was under high emotion).

 

Thus, our last break up he told me he wouldn't take me back. He also confessed that he had reconnected with an old female best friend and wanted to date her. This was a day after the breakup.

At first, of course, I felt like an *******, and pleaded with him to take me back under the assumption that I would get better, go to therapy, etc. The last breakup was the wakeup call I had needed to realize all this.

But of course, he told me it was too late.

However, after a few days and me calling to apologize, he told me he wanted to try again..that he had believed me when I said I had the wake up call I needed. And plus we loved each other so so much.

 

We got back together for a few days, then he said it was too much in the past to handle. Over the course of three weeks, he went back and forth between giving me hope, saying "I still love you, I miss you, I hope that one day we can work out after you and I have both grown," to saying "You hurt me too much in the past and I really like this other girl and want to date her."

 

I was with him along everything. He would get angry when reminiscing on the ways I would hurt him and I would apologize a thousand times. I did go to therapy (still am). Etc. etc. I loved him so much and wanted us so badly to work out.

 

My last straw in all of his indecisiveness was when he told me, "I want to date this other girl, I really like her, and want to see where things go. But i also really care for you, and if things don't work out with her, I'd like to try again with you."

 

I cannot let myself be his second choice, and holding onto the hope that they won't work out so that he will come running back to me is gonna leave me in pain in the end. I told him no, and I want to move forward and be over him already - but can't held daydream about how he still obviously cares for me, loves me, even misses me, and how she is very clearly a rebound since he jumped right into it a day after the breakup (or was emotionally cheating...).

 

Any words of wisdom or advice for my situation? I'll be visiting back home to where he also lives in Spring Break (end of March) and he had mentioned before that he wanted to see me and see where that goes. This was of course right before his last statement. Do I see him in March? See how I feel then? Just get over him?

 

I've been NC since yesterday, when he told me that last statement.

[basil67]

NC means putting a person out of your life till you no longer care about them at all. It's an ongoing thing....not just something for a month or so.

 

The best thing you can do is learn to be better at relationships for the future. Have you started seeking help for your behaviour?

[marie25]

Thank you for your reply basil67,

 

Yes, it's going to be a long road. I feel both bad that I did all that + became a person I didn't ever want to be while in the relationship and for the loss of him. I also can't help but have hope b/c of the hope he has given me.

 

I have started to see a therapist - it's been a few weeks now since I started. It's definitely helping and it was true that the break up was *actually* (and not just BS) a wake-up call for me. I don't think I would become that person again, in any relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever you do, do not see him over spring back. You'll set back any healing you've done.

 

The best thing you can do is continue to get emotionally healthy, and see this relationship as a learning experience. It wasn't meant to be forever, but it was meant to teach you some valuable skills.

[Sweetfish]

it's been a few weeks now since I started. It's definitely helping and it was true that the break up was *actually* (and not just BS) a wake-up call for me. I don't think I would become that person again, in any relationship.

 

Than you need to appericate what your ex has done and that he has put his foot down. While I don't agree putting you on the back burner was a mature move... his actions have allowed you to allow you to take a better look at your self and actions and address them.

 

From the break-up you will become a new person and you must understand that your old relationship has expired.

 

I suggest you stay single for awhile and work on you.

[marie25]

My ex broke up with me (over a complicated drawn-out breakup) and had the habit of giving me hope (saying things like "I fantasize about us being togetherness in the future after we have grown," etc.) It is also important to note that I had terrible unhealthy habits within the relationship and don't blame him for ending us. I have in the meantime worked on myself and gone to therapy.

 

However, he has also started having feelings for + has plans to date a former best friend of his. Thus, he wanted to try things with her, and then if things didn't work out, try things again with me. I had of course objected to this, told home I would not be a second choice, and started NC.

 

It's been about a week and he messaged me asking how I have been. I gave home a simple reply, and he then sent me a long message about how he has been thinking about me - and not the negative parts of us but the good memories (he went on to name a few). I just replied that I was glad that he didn't harbor anger anymore (because I truly want a good ending and for us to be friends one day after I am over him). He never replied (it's only been a few hours), and I am not too worked up about it. But what are y'alls thoughts? Meaningless breadcrumbs?

[PegNosePete]

Yes breadcrumbs.

 

What is your objective here? Are you looking to reconcile or to move on? Your next move should be different depending on what you want out of this.

[marie25]

Yes breadcrumbs.

 

What is your objective here? Are you looking to reconcile or to move on? Your next move should be different depending on what you want out of this.

 

I would definitely not be against reconciliation, if taken slow and done in the right way. I've been moving on and thus, this text didn't get me too worked up. But I was definitely happy to receive it.

[inigele14u]

Lol. He is textbook playing you. You're not wise woman.

[PegNosePete]

Right, I've just read your other thread.

 

This guy dumped you for another girl, and told you right to your face that he wants you to be his backup???

 

What on earth are you doing girl? You should NEVER be anyone's second choice!

 

You need to tell this joker that you won't be treated like that, that he's welcome to go after this other chick but you will NOT be waiting for him if he changes his mind.

 

The best words you can use to tell him that, are "......" (silence). You need to go NC with this joker and move on.

[jamili]

FYI go No Contact whether you want to reconcile or move on, NC regardless. If you stay in contact you will cause him to never miss you or regain feelings for you/friendzone, plus you will struggle to move on (while helping him to move on from you even easier).

[marie25]

Right, I've just read your other thread.

 

This guy dumped you for another girl, and told you right to your face that he wants you to be his backup???

 

What on earth are you doing girl? You should NEVER be anyone's second choice!

 

You need to tell this joker that you won't be treated like that, that he's welcome to go after this other chick but you will NOT be waiting for him if he changes his mind.

 

The best words you can use to tell him that, are "......" (silence). You need to go NC with this joker and move on.

 

I definitely agree!! That was exactly what I told him - and then went NC (whereas before I messaged him daily for breadcrumbs).

 

The ONLY way I would reconcile is if he straight up told me - I am sorry, I was confused. I don't want to date anyone but you. And then proceeded to show me that he puts me as first choice. Never would I let him take me back after testing the waters with someone else first and realizing it isn't all too great.

[marie25]

FYI go No Contact whether you want to reconcile or move on, NC regardless. If you stay in contact you will cause him to never miss you or regain feelings for you/friendzone, plus you will struggle to move on (while helping him to move on from you even easier).

 

So does NC mean don't reply to any of his messages either?

 

I haven't been messaging him first at all - but feel odd straight out ignoring his messages. Especially since I hope for reconciliation (under the RIGHT circumstances of course).

 

I have been messaging him just simple texts. Like, "I am doing okay." in response to a how have you been? text.

[jamili]

Yup. Ignore his messages. He will never miss you if you keep replying to him. He will know he still has you in some way. He will keep you on a string while he heals and uses you for attention and ego validation. Cut him off, go ghost. Dont respond to a single thing, just disappear.

 

This is especially true if you are hoping for reconciliation. I know it seems counterintuitive, but it works. People desire what they cant have. If you ever want him back, he will have to be the one chasing you. And he will have to miss you.

 

The only thing you can respond to is an "i want you back, i messed up" kind of message/call.. or around those lines. Everything else is just breadcrumbs and killing your chances of reconciliation down the road. Every time you respond to him he likely loses attraction to you, respects you less, and misses you less.

 

Have self respect and stop answering his breadcrumbs. He will respect you for it. In the meantime work on moving on, because successful reconciliations usually occur only after both parties move on amd grow as individuals.

[PegNosePete]

So does NC mean don't reply to any of his messages either?

NC means NO CONTACT.

 

No ifs, no buts. Do not contact him.

 

From that, you should be able to answer your own question

[Blanco]

Truthfully, you shouldn't be ignoring his texts, because you shouldn't be even seeing his texts in the first place. Why is his number not blocked?

[d0nnivain]

You know he wants to be with another woman & that he has a habit of giving you false hope.

 

 

The only way you are going to heal & get over him is to cut him out of your life so you are not aware of the breadcrumbs.

 

 

The fact that you are contemplating taking him back if he makes a definitive move towards that tells me you are far from over him & very susceptible to his emotional manipulations. You can't go back because the stuff that broke you apart has not been resolved.

 

 

Take time away from him. Heal.

[Bromeo]

Marie,

 

If I may, there is thread after thread about dumpees responding to breadcrumbs, and the damage it does emotionally.

 

My ex sent them, as did Jamilis, Markys', and countless others on here. It means nothing. Well, nothing positive on our behalf.

 

I couldn't stomach the games any longer, and cut mine off. Jamili may have more intestinal fortitude, but I had also gotten months of it.

 

In your case, once you start respecting yourself more, you will start respecting him and his treatment of you less.

 

I've also noticed with time, that as soon as you become attracted to another person, you stop obsessing about the ex. The difficulty as we get older, is finding another connection.

 

my .02c.

 

Dave

[marie25]

Thanks for all the advice you all.

 

I basically told him not to send me any future messages during this time period while I get over him, in a respectful way. He hasn't replied but of course I don't expect him too. Now I feel like, the ball is in his court if he wanted to reconcile by sending a direct message about it - but otherwise we won't be talking until

I am waaaay over him.

 

I feel much more comfortable with that now, and if he sends me any breadcrumbs I will just ignore.

 

Edit: I understand why you all would think "Why does she even think about reconciliation when he has started looking at another girl? Wouldn't you be done with even thinking about him and be so over it?"

 

It may be more complicated - in the sense that I had broken up with him (bad habit of mine when I was upset) and he felt he needed to move on from me by dating someone. He hasn't actually gone out on a date with her (they are still just friends), while after the breakup I went on my own series of dates (not really one to judge). So when he told me that he wanted to try dating her and me, it was also under the assumption that we were broken up and I was dating someone else too. Thus, if those other people aren't our soulmates, he would be open to date once again.

 

Not sure if that makes sense? But that's more of the picture.

 

And as I said earlier, I said no to this and went NC. The rest was explained.

 

Personally, I feel that he still loves me, wants to be with me, but I hurt him a lot and showed no sign of improving while we were together and thus he couldn't allow himself to take me back. Now, all these breadcrumbs and weird propositions are born out of confusion as to what to do in this situation for him. He is likely thinking, "I want to be with this girl, but can't trust her / she likely hasn't changed, but I love her a lot."

Edited February 14, 2017 by marie25

[stillafool]

Even if you two got back together at this point there would be resentment from both sides until the bitterness would prevent you two from moving forward. He will miss the other girl because she has done nothing yet but lost him, while you have an entire history together and not all of it good. You will resent him for being with her, kissing and making love to her while you two were apart. It will take a lot of work for you two to heal and get to where you want to be again. If you were married I would say maybe try it but being young and single, move on.

[marie25]

Even if you two got back together at this point there would be resentment from both sides until the bitterness would prevent you two from moving forward. He will miss the other girl because she has done nothing yet but lost him, while you have an entire history together and not all of it good. You will resent him for being with her, kissing and making love to her while you two were apart. It will take a lot of work for you two to heal and get to where you want to be again. If you were married I would say maybe try it but being young and single, move on.

 

Yes, I understand what you are saying. I have been moving on and feel like I haven't held on much hope for us.

I don't feel that I have much bitterness towards him anymore (he was a pretty nice and sweet partner to me), it would mostly be on him to get over his emotions.

And as it is, he has not even gone on a date with the girl - let alone anything physical. Things would probably change with my desire to reconcile (Read: I wouldn't want to anymore) if he had been physical with her.

[marie25]

I see what you guys mean.

 

I am always trying to weigh emotion and logic. To reassure those replying here (and myself), I am not going to be taking him back under any circumstance unless it's him telling me (BEFORE dating this other girl during spring break - not after) that he wants me and only me, and wants to work things out. Otherwise he is ignored, and I am moving on.

[jamili]

Take solace in the fact that what he was doing wasnt any form of reconciliation. Breadcrumbs are not reconciliation. That's why you ignore them. I woudnt expect for the dumper to have any sorts of reconciliation for many, many months or even years from now. He wont want to until he feels your loss, which takes a LOT of NC. So basically people talk about the ex "sixth sense" and how they always seem to want to reconcile after you have already moved on and no longer want them - it doesnt mean that exes really have a sixth sense of course, but rather that it takes so much NC for them to get to that point, that you will very likely be way over them when that time comes.

 

Also dont let people persaude you from trying to reconcile if that comes... everyone is speculating how you would feel and only you know how youwould feel. In my opinion, you never know unless you try, and there is nothing wrong with giving it a shot. People DO reconcile and many successful marriages out there are products of a couple splitting up and then reconciling down the line after some time.

[marie25]

Take solace in the fact that what he was doing wasnt any form of reconciliation. Breadcrumbs are not reconciliation. That's why you ignore them. I woudnt expect for the dumper to have any sorts of reconciliation for many, many months or even years from now. He wont want to until he feels your loss, which takes a LOT of NC. So basically people talk about the ex "sixth sense" and how they always seem to want to reconcile after you have already moved on and no longer want them - it doesnt mean that exes really have a sixth sense of course, but rather that it takes so much NC for them to get to that point, that you will very likely be way over them when that time comes.

 

Also dont let people persaude you from trying to reconcile if that comes... everyone is speculating how you would feel and only you know how youwould feel. In my opinion, you never know unless you try, and there is nothing wrong with giving it a shot. People DO reconcile and many successful marriages out there are products of a couple splitting up and then reconciling down the line after some time.

 

Thank you for the great advice. Your replies have been wonderful.

I do still hope for reconciliation (of course, as does every dumpee) - but I have stopped holding my breath and have started feeling myself moving on. I do feel sad when I think of our relationship and how I miss him and his ways, but I also wake up and go to sleep moderately happy and optimistic.

 

One day at a time

[jamili]

Thank you for the great advice. Your replies have been wonderful.

I do still hope for reconciliation (of course, as does every dumpee) - but I have stopped holding my breath and have started feeling myself moving on. I do feel sad when I think of our relationship and how I miss him and his ways, but I also wake up and go to sleep moderately happy and optimistic.

 

One day at a time

 

You got it! There's nothing wrong with having hope, imo. As long as you keep moving forward, hope is a good thing. We really dont know what our futures have in store for us. I think the fool's error is saying "never" and then clinging to that bitterly. People can change, perceptions can change, time has a huge effect on us all. Rushing or expecting immediate results is a mistake. Go with the flow of life. Trust in the Universe, and let go of trying to control any outcomes. Any notion of control is an illusion. The only thing you can control is yourself. As for everything else - if its going to happen, it'll happen. But it will likely be when you least expect it... life is funny like that