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Broke up with my ex to prove a point


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My ex girlfriend and I jus recently broke up, and since I initiated the breakup, her response was "if this is it, then this is it once and for all". Obviously she was putting fear into me.

 

 

Anyway, to give you a general understanding of our relationship, my ex girlfriend of five years broke up with me many times, and typically after a few days of no communication, she would reach out to me and I would reconcile right away because I do still love her and always hope for the best. On the other hand if I reach out to her, she gives me such a hard time in the hopes I would beg her. But, after a day of convincing she would willingly then move on with our relationship.

 

 

Recently, she had broke up with me constantly for three weeks straight, and I did my best to convince her to remain with me. I know she loves me, and she does not want to let me go but unfortunately she plays games to try to put me in my place, and this has been a constant dent in our relationship. For example, we would get along for some time, and then suddenly she would turn on me and play games to get a reaction out of me. If I do not react, she will then proceed to break up because she thinks I am acting nonchalant toward our relationship. If I react and get angry, then she thinks I am still interested in this relationship so she is convinced I am still interested in her. I know, it is a little messed up on how she thinks.

 

 

So after playing another game recently, I finally put my foot down and said to her, "I cannot fight to be with you anymore just to convince you I am still interested. I want peace in this relationship, or else I am ending it". Now I was hoping she would relent and convince me that she is committed to having peace and not break up. Well that did not happen, and she threatened saying this is it once and for all.

 

 

Now it has been almost two weeks and I have not heard from her. I was hoping that she would reach out to me, and at least acknowledge that I would get back with her if she commits to peace, but she is not willing to give me even that. So to a certain degree, I did break up with her to prove a point in hopes she would relent and want to make it work with me. I am hurt that she has not reached out to me, but I know at this point I should not reach out to her anymore.

 

 

Can someone tell me how to proceed in getting over this because I do admit it does hurt that she has not respected the peace I want with her. And I do admit, it hurts even more that she has not reached out to me.

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How old are you guys? That relationship sounds toxic and stressful. You were clearly her doormat boyfriend and she was walking all over you - no respect for you whatsoever! If you didn't dump her yourself, I can almost guarantee you should would dump you for good eventually, once another guy caught her interest.

 

You did the right thing I think. Also, I believe she is bluffing with her "then this is it forever" move, so I wouldn't pay it much mind. Stay NC and show her you aren't @#$%ing around anymore - and trust me she will take notice of this (especially considering how much you let her walk all over you in the past).

 

This is will either get her to finally value you more, or it will show you how truly messed up this person really is, which will in itself allow you to move on. Either way NC will reveal the truth.

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Perhaps you could explain exactly why you want her for your girlfriend.She is controlling,abusive and immature and frankly she sounds like a nightmare.She obviously has destroyed your self esteem,you seem to think she is the only woman in the world.Go out at the weekend and have a good time,meet someone else for some no strings attached fun and see how soon you forget about your ex.

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As was sung back in the 1970's

 

Break up

To make up

That's a-a-a-all we do.

First you love me,

Then you hate me,

That's a game for fools.

 

Maybe she's figured that out too.

 

How do you get over it? You've got to take the time to feel the hurt, and get your heart to understand that this is real and forever. It takes time, that's all.

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You've been the victim of emotional abuse for quite sometime. Get out of there right now, and take the time to heal.

 

Take her back and she'll do the same thing again.

 

You've been tolerating her behavior for half a decade. Never allow this sort of partner in your life, you'll die younger.

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How old are you guys? That relationship sounds toxic and stressful. You were clearly her doormat boyfriend and she was walking all over you - no respect for you whatsoever! If you didn't dump her yourself, I can almost guarantee you should would dump you for good eventually, once another guy caught her interest.

 

You did the right thing I think. Also, I believe she is bluffing with her "then this is it forever" move, so I wouldn't pay it much mind. Stay NC and show her you aren't @#$%ing around anymore - and trust me she will take notice of this (especially considering how much you let her walk all over you in the past).

 

This is will either get her to finally value you more, or it will show you how truly messed up this person really is, which will in itself allow you to move on. Either way NC will reveal the truth.

 

 

Asking how old we are is the same question I would ask her. We are both in our mid twenties, and I kept on telling her these types of games she plays is what people in high school do. But I also told her in our last break up that if she does not change her ways, then she will never be able to keep a boyfriend in the future. I also told her she needs to find a man who can fight with her just to show nonchalance. I believe these two comments struck a nerve because the bottom line she does not trust men whatsoever and her past relationships have always been tumultuous. She has told me herself I am the first boyfriend who has actually cared about her.

 

 

But if that is the case, why does she play these games. I always wanted to spend time with her, and she admits our sex is the most passionate that she has ever experienced with me. But then she uses our quality time and even sex as a weapon against me.

 

 

I do agree with you though, its time I move on. I am just so disheartened that she never appreciate how much I tolerated.

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Perhaps you could explain exactly why you want her for your girlfriend.She is controlling,abusive and immature and frankly she sounds like a nightmare.She obviously has destroyed your self esteem,you seem to think she is the only woman in the world.Go out at the weekend and have a good time,meet someone else for some no strings attached fun and see how soon you forget about your ex.

 

I am asking myself these same questions now. My self-esteem has been lowered but I do love and care about her. I guess the biggest dent to my self-esteem is that she has not reached out to me but I know at the end of the day, her not responding will help me move on.

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As was sung back in the 1970's

 

 

 

Maybe she's figured that out too.

 

How do you get over it? You've got to take the time to feel the hurt, and get your heart to understand that this is real and forever. It takes time, that's all.

 

 

 

That song is totally true. Thanks for the encouragement because I need to accept the fact this is real and forever.

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You have been on the emotional merry go round from hell. Congratulations. You are finally getting off of it.

 

 

Yours was a dysfunctional relationship that should have been allowed to die a long time ago. The break up make up cycle is destructive. Leave this girl be. Go NC, after you sort out any stuff between you & get on with the healing, which may take while.

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You've been the victim of emotional abuse for quite sometime. Get out of there right now, and take the time to heal.

 

Take her back and she'll do the same thing again.

 

You've been tolerating her behavior for half a decade. Never allow this sort of partner in your life, you'll die younger.

 

 

 

 

So what should I do if she contacts me because she has a habit of trying to feel me out. I am seriously thinking not to respond whatsoever. But is that the right thing to do? Should I deliberately hurt her in such a way in the same way she has played games with me. Should I stoop to her level?

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Given the length of the relationship if she contacts you to "feel you out" about getting back together tell her in no uncertain terms that after all this time you think that this time the break up should stick.

 

 

Sort out your stuff, then never speak to her again.

 

 

You need to heal. Give yourself time.

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So what should I do if she contacts me because she has a habit of trying to feel me out. I am seriously thinking not to respond whatsoever. But is that the right thing to do? Should I deliberately hurt her in such a way in the same way she has played games with me. Should I stoop to her level?

 

If you do try to hurt her, you'll still be playing her game. Silence says a whole lot without saying anything. She likes drama, so don't give in to it. Women who test and play games like that need drama to feel secure in a relationship because it gives them power...either the power to keep you around or the power to drive you mad, so they can say what a bad guy you are and justify lining up a replacement. Best to leave her in the rearview mirror.

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So what should I do if she contacts me because she has a habit of trying to feel me out. I am seriously thinking not to respond whatsoever. But is that the right thing to do? Should I deliberately hurt her in such a way in the same way she has played games with me. Should I stoop to her level?

 

Just ignore it. Especially considering this situation. You have to show her you are damn serious. Replying at all might make her think she still has you on a string to some extent. You must demonstrate that you are completely, 100% done with her bull@#$%, you are sticking up for yourself, and walking away from her. Trust me she will respect you MUCH more for this in the longrun, no matter what happens.

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If you do try to hurt her, you'll still be playing her game. Silence says a whole lot without saying anything. She likes drama, so don't give in to it. Women who test and play games like that need drama to feel secure in a relationship because it gives them power...either the power to keep you around or the power to drive you mad, so they can say what a bad guy you are and justify lining up a replacement. Best to leave her in the rearview mirror.

 

 

I totally agree with you because I do admit whenever she did play games, I would react very angrily and say mean things to her. I do admit I made mistakes in our relationship and it was mostly because of how I reacted, but then she would use that against me. In addition, when we were fighting, I would ignore her which would drive her more insane. And I know she resents the fact that when she would break up with me, I did hold my own and act like I did not care. That also drove her mad and she would accuse me that I do not care about her at all. She would use that against me well.

 

 

But with all that aside, I would write her poems, send her flowers, and was very affectionate with her both emotionally and physically. And whenever she faced a crisis in her life, I was always there to care for her. I was made sure I do my duty as a boyfriend, but in the end I feel I wasted 5 years of my life.

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I totally agree with you because I do admit whenever she did play games, I would react very angrily and say mean things to her. I do admit I made mistakes in our relationship and it was mostly because of how I reacted, but then she would use that against me. In addition, when we were fighting, I would ignore her which would drive her more insane. And I know she resents the fact that when she would break up with me, I did hold my own and act like I did not care. That also drove her mad and she would accuse me that I do not care about her at all. She would use that against me well.

 

 

But with all that aside, I would write her poems, send her flowers, and was very affectionate with her both emotionally and physically. And whenever she faced a crisis in her life, I was always there to care for her. I was made sure I do my duty as a boyfriend, but in the end I feel I wasted 5 years of my life.

 

You didn't waste anything. This was an important 5 years in your life - you learned a LOT about relationships and about yourself, no doubt. Now you know what kind of abuse to look for in the future, and hopefully will learn to respect yourself more in the future. This was a good thing for you. If you keep hard, strict NC, this could be a good thing for her too. She will learn consequences for her actions, to not take good things for granted, not to treat people so poorly in the future, and importantly she will learn that you are a man who demands respect and doesn't @#$% around.

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Just ignore it. Especially considering this situation. You have to show her you are damn serious. Replying at all might make her think she still has you on a string to some extent. You must demonstrate that you are completely, 100% done with her bull@#$%, you are sticking up for yourself, and walking away from her. Trust me she will respect you MUCH more for this in the longrun, no matter what happens.

 

Well just before we ended it she accused me of cheating on her but she knows its not true. She has accused me of this so many times, and she honestly believes that if I am firm to stay away from her, she deludes herself to believe I found someone else.

 

 

I guess I feel a little bit awkward because I do not want her thinking that about me. That is not the last impression I want her to have about me, and if I ignore her texts or phone calls in the future, then she will delude herself to believe I am with someone else. But I guess it does not matter now. Let her think what she wants. Let her own games and assumptions mess around with her head, not my head anymore.

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Well just before we ended it she accused me of cheating on her but she knows its not true. She has accused me of this so many times, and she honestly believes that if I am firm to stay away from her, she deludes herself to believe I found someone else.

 

 

I guess I feel a little bit awkward because I do not want her thinking that about me. That is not the last impression I want her to have about me, and if I ignore her texts or phone calls in the future, then she will delude herself to believe I am with someone else. But I guess it does not matter now. Let her think what she wants. Let her own games and assumptions mess around with her head, not my head anymore.

 

I don't buy it. I don't think she truly believes this. She wants you to believe that she does, so that you think what you are thinking right now. She is manipulating you. Call her bluff man, walk away. Ignore her manipulation tactics. If she truly thinks you're cheating (which I really, really, doubt), then she doesn't even know you - after 5 years - what does that tell you?

 

Ignore and see what happens. Try something different for once. Please stop being her doormat and break free of the manipulation.

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I don't buy it. I don't think she truly believes this. She wants you to believe that she does, so that you think what you are thinking right now. She is manipulating you. Call her bluff man, walk away. Ignore her manipulation tactics. If she truly thinks you're cheating (which I really, really, doubt), then she doesn't even know you - after 5 years - what does that tell you?

 

Ignore and see what happens. Try something different for once. Please stop being her doormat and break free of the manipulation.

 

I will definitely ignore her because this is the first where I actually have the confidence to move on. Initially our breakups were somewhat easy for me, but as the days go by it got harder and either one of us would break and reach out to each other.

 

 

But this time I feel much better especially after discussing with all of you. Thanks again for the encouragement.

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Ordinarily, I'm all for not responding, but the trouble with that approach is if you do it unannounced, you run the risk of being pestered for a response, and every subsequent contact will set you back and make you obsess over the meaning of these meaningless pleas for attention.

 

For this reason, I think it is better to announce your decision to vanish. No need to be mean or sad or sentimental. Simply express your decision to cut all contact until you feel ready to make contact. State the expectation that she will respect your decision by leaving you alone, and say goodbye.

 

It is perfectly appropriate to do this in an email or a note.

 

Maybe do it only if you see she's not leaving you alone.

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Ordinarily, I'm all for not responding, but the trouble with that approach is if you do it unannounced, you run the risk of being pestered for a response, and every subsequent contact will set you back and make you obsess over the meaning of these meaningless pleas for attention.

 

For this reason, I think it is better to announce your decision to vanish. No need to be mean or sad or sentimental. Simply express your decision to cut all contact until you feel ready to make contact. State the expectation that she will respect your decision by leaving you alone, and say goodbye.

 

It is perfectly appropriate to do this in an email or a note.

 

Maybe do it only if you see she's not leaving you alone.

 

 

I know she may potentially nag me if I ignore her, and subsequently I would feel bad. But I know her real well. She will convince me to get back, and once we do, she will just vindictively break up with me again to compete again who holds out the longest.

 

 

But who knows, she may never respond, and now after talking to you all, I am completely fine with that.

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But I do have two more questions. She does have some of my things, and when she did mention that when we had broken up before, she was going to mail it to me. What happens if she texts me and says I need to get my things? To be honest, the things are not worth it, for I can care less if she tosses them in the garbage.

 

 

My last question, her birthday is coming up next month. Should I wish her? I don't want to give her that satisfaction, but I would also feel guilty if I don't.

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Send a buddy to go collect your stuff. Do not wish her a Happy Birthday. Good wishes are part of a happy healthy relationship. You no longer have one of those.

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So what should I do if she contacts me because she has a habit of trying to feel me out. I am seriously thinking not to respond whatsoever. But is that the right thing to do? Should I deliberately hurt her in such a way in the same way she has played games with me. Should I stoop to her level?

 

 

No, don't stoop to her level. NC is to heal yourself and move on. Be the adult, as she is being the child. Tell her what the new terms are and move on.

 

You are moving on, it is better for both of you to not be in contact.

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@demitrius009 ~

 

Well done for walking away. She is counting on you to beg back so don't give her the satisfaction, leave her to reflect on what she has done wrong.

 

She lost someone who treated her like a princess and you lost someone who breaks up with you every 10 seconds just to get her way. No one needs that kind of crap in their lives so I think you did the right thing.

 

Don't contact her, don't wish her happy birthday.. that would be going backwards.

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Demitrius, welcome to LoveShack. I agree with Jamili that you are describing a R/S that "sounds toxic" -- or, as Donnivain states, is very "dysfunctional." I also agree with Enddeck that your exGF's behavior sounds "controlling, abusive and immature." The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I also caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

My ex girlfriend of five years broke up with me many times.
BPDer relationships are notorious for having numerous breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

We would get along for some time, and then suddenly she would turn on me....
The repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure her of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did.

 

The bottom line she does not trust men whatsoever.
If she is a BPDer, she may be able to trust you for a few days -- but not for any extended period. One reason is that, being emotionally unstable, she is unable to trust HERSELF. Until she learns how to do that, she will be unable to trust her partners for any extended time period.

 

Another reason for the lack of trust, if she is a BPDer, is that it is impossible to convince her that you truly love her and will remain loyal to her. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that, even when she is convinced that you love her AT THIS VERY MOMENT, she lives in fear that you will abandon her as soon as you realize how empty she is on the inside.

 

With BPDers, the only exception to that inability to trust occurs during the courtship period, a time of infatuation that typically lasts 4 to 6 months. During that brief period, her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her from her unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. She therefore is briefly convinced you will never walk out on her.

 

As soon as that infatuation starts evaporating, however, those two fears return and you will start triggering the anger she's been carrying since early childhood. At that point, it will be impossible to prove to her that you will never leave her and that you dearly love her.

 

I am just so disheartened that she never appreciated how much I tolerated.
If she is a BPDer, she is so emotionally immature that she has never developed a strong sense of "object constancy." That is, she never learned that a partner's feelings of love toward her are roughly constant from day to day. The result is that, no matter how many sacrifices you make for a BPDer, it is impossible to build up a store of good will or appreciation you can draw on during the hard days. That accumulation of good will never happens because a BPDer cannot understand that a stable partner won't flip and turn against her. Hence, with BPDers, you will frequently hear "What have you done for me lately?"

 

Because BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old, you will see this same "lack of appreciation" in young children. A very young girl, for example, will adore Daddy while he is bringing out the toys and -- then in an instant -- flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Her past relationships have always been tumultuous.
Having "tumultuous" relationships is another red flag for strong BPD traits. Indeed, one of the 9 defining traits for BPD is "A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

She has told me herself I am the first boyfriend who has actually cared about her.
As noted above, BPDers typically flip back and forth between idealizing and devaluing their partners. It therefore is common for BPDers to demonize all their ex-partners and to idealize their newest partners. Hence, if your exGF really is a BPDer, she very likely is now bad mouthing you (along with all of those other exBFs) to her friends. And she likely will tell her new partner that he is "the first boyfriend who has actually cared about her."

 

I want peace in this relationship, or else I am ending it.
If your exGF is a BPDer, she has such a painful feeling of emptiness inside that she needs to frequently create DRAMA to fill up that emptiness -- and to distract her from the pain. Hence, "peace in this relationship" is an impossible goal with a BPDer unless she has already had years of individual therapy to learn how to manage her issues.

 

Can someone tell me how to proceed in getting over this?
Learning to spot these BPD warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Demitrius.

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