Acknowledge a dumper's birthday

[marky00]

Guys,

 

 

9yr LDR.

 

 

Been 6 months full NC and before that about a year very limited contact.

 

 

Ex sent me a few sms messages over NY asking me how I have been etc.

 

 

Since then no more breadcrumbs.

 

 

It's her birthday tomorrow and I don't know why but I have this odd feeling I need to at least acknowledge her birthday.

 

 

She probably sent me those messages knowing I'd feel bad for not responding eventually and I guess it kind of worked.

 

 

Before her messages I had every reason to remain in NC but I now feel a bit confused how to proceed.

 

 

In some ways I feel like sending a quick message saying I don't really know why she contacted me but nonetheless it made me feel compelled to acknowledge her birthday.

 

 

The way I see it, its been like 6 weeks since those messages so it's not looking like anymore are forthcoming. I had told myself I would like to remain in full NC for at least a year but this birthday thing is starting to bother me.

 

 

What should I do?

[jamili]

 

The way I see it, its been like 6 weeks since those messages so it's not looking like anymore are forthcoming.

 

I wouldn't be so sure of that. My ex waited 2 months between breadcrumbs to re-breadcrumb me . It's not impossible that yours will too.

 

Perhaps not hearing from you on her bday will help her come to realize you truly have moved on, and it will cause her to reach out again. But then again, it might not, and just help her move on even further.

 

I personally wouldn't reach out, unless you are 100% prepared to get nothing in return. How will you feel if she doesn't respond? And then you will know that you broke NC unprovoked, to wish a girl who ghosted you after 9 years a happy birthday... and got ignored.

 

On the other hand, I don't think it will be enough to push her away at this point, if you keep it simple, just like "happy birthday". No other feelings revealed or anything needy. And maybe she will respond...

 

If you can handle the possibility of no-response, then go for it. If it will hurt, don't. But keep in mind you are in that 6 month sweetspot... she could still reach out to you again someday, and at least you won't be the one breaking NC.

[marky00]

Yeh my gut feeling is telling me that ignoring her at this time is probably just helping her move on.

 

 

Sending a simple HB might be a way for me to at least get things back to neutral so to speak.

 

 

And if she doesn't reply, well I have been down that rabbit hole so many times, I'm pretty sure I can deal with that. My logical thinking tells me she will respond.

 

 

Her messages told me for whatever reason she wanted to toss the ball in my court and sending a HB msg might be the easiest way to toss it back into her court.

 

 

Also a HB msg doesn't necessarily require a response so another good reason to maybe send it.

 

 

There is definitely a place for complete silence but I sort of feel like it starts to backfire when someone wishes u a happy NY and u don't acknowledge a BD.

 

 

Continuing full NC does seem more risky but I also realise that sometimes risks create rewards.

Edited February 7, 2017 by marky00

[marky00]

And then you will know that you broke NC unprovoked

 

Well in fairness I was provoked.

 

 

With those crumbs over NY. Someone I have known for 10 years asks me how I was, I ignored her and now faced with ignoring her birthday.

 

 

I'd say I have been provoked in some ways.

[jamili]

It's a dice roll either way. Sounds like you're regretting not responding to her reach out last month? One thing you should keep in mind is that this girl dumped you via ghosting - a pretty foul way to end a 9 year relationship. Tossing a ball in your court with a vague, meaningless message and expecting you to toss back is... pushing it. After a move like that, one would think she'd be tossing lots of balls into your court if she actually had any true feelings for you. On the flipside she might think you are royally pissed at her (understandably), and just wants to leave you alone because she respects if you don't wish to talk to her ever again.

 

You know her better than any of us. If deep down inside your gut you feel it's the right thing to do, then do it. Perhaps at least after that, depending on the result, you will know whether the shut the door on this or not. Might relieve you of the burden of "waiting" for her to reach out again.

[angel.eyes]

Stay NC....

[Pumpingiron34]

Stay NC....

Since my ex showed up at my door and left me feeling 'confused' I decided similar to contact her and get no response. Felt like a total jerkoff. Rule of thumb if she left you feeling "confused" dont give her **** till she makes some dam sense.

[marky00]

It's a dice roll either way. Sounds like you're regretting not responding to her reach out last month? One thing you should keep in mind is that this girl dumped you via ghosting - a pretty foul way to end a 9 year relationship. Tossing a ball in your court with a vague, meaningless message and expecting you to toss back is... pushing it. After a move like that, one would think she'd be tossing lots of balls into your court if she actually had any true feelings for you. On the flipside she might think you are royally pissed at her (understandably), and just wants to leave you alone because she respects if you don't wish to talk to her ever again.

 

You know her better than any of us. If deep down inside your gut you feel it's the right thing to do, then do it. Perhaps at least after that, depending on the result, you will know whether the shut the door on this or not. Might relieve you of the burden of "waiting" for her to reach out again.

 

I really don't know.

 

 

Always been a manipulator and a poor communicator.

 

 

I don't really regret not reply back at NY because I needed time to let things settle and also wait for the possibility of further contact.

 

 

Also what confused me was after I didn't respond back then, I got a final SMS wishing my a HNY and a GOOD LIFE. I felt that message was her in an angry tone almost trying to save face and send a message that didn't require a response and had an air of finality to it.

 

 

Had she jus kept it at the "how have I been" messages, I may have buckled sooner.

[Pumpingiron34]

Screw her dude forward to the future. We cant settle for this 007 lifestyle decoding these crazy emotional girls txt messages. I dont blame you for thinking about it because ill prolly be on here in a couple of weeks doing the same thing but, judging from every one on this forums its never a good idea and there always right. Every single time.

[clam]

Too many games... too much "toss the breadcrumbs back and forth." Nine years is a long time to be in a LDR. Why the split in the first place?

 

Are you trying to get back together? If so, why not just tell her instead of agonizing over a happy birthday text?

[marky00]

Are you trying to get back together? If so, why not just tell her instead of agonizing over a happy birthday text?

 

Because she was the one who broke it off.

[jamili]

I really don't know.

 

 

Always been a manipulator and a poor communicator.

 

 

I don't really regret not reply back at NY because I needed time to let things settle and also wait for the possibility of further contact.

 

 

Also what confused me was after I didn't respond back then, I got a final SMS wishing my a HNY and a GOOD LIFE. I felt that message was her in an angry tone almost trying to save face and send a message that didn't require a response and had an air of finality to it.

 

 

Had she jus kept it at the "how have I been" messages, I may have buckled sooner.

 

Nothing in the future is certain. Any angry state of mind on her part is unwarranted - she ghosted you after a nine year relationship! To expect you to jump on single a "how are you" message is ridiculous. If that's all she's going to do, and give up after that, you have to wonder how sincere she could possibly be about reconnecting with you in the first place. But I'm not convinced that she'll never contact you again, after 9 years together.

 

You could give it more time, it's not like saying happy bday is your only opportunity to reach out ever again for the rest of eternity. Patience often pays off in life, in my experience.

 

But like I said, if you need to do it, because of your own intuition on the matter, then trust the gut and give it a whirl. Worst that can happen is she doesn't respond. FYI I responded to my ex's text just recently, after ignoring for a while... and got no response... and I won't lie, it's a bit of a punch in the gut initially. And mine was in response to her logistical question too, so it's not like I reached out on my own to wish her a happy bday... which, I would think, not receiving a response to would hurt even more.

 

It really depends if you are healed enough to the point where you can handle her flat-out ignoring your message. I personally don't think it's going to push her away. But it might show her that you still care, since saying happy bday to an ex is not really necessary or customary.. you are clearly doing it because you care about her.. she will see that, and that could cause her to lose some attraction towards you, as it could be seen as a sign of weakness. It could, but who knows. It could also get her to respond and you two might end up having a conversation that could lead to something more.

 

Sleep on it. I personally wouldn't do it, because the non-response to that kind of message would be painful to me. I would personally wait until she reached out again to me, and then maybe responded to her message, depending on what it was. But I'm not as far along in my healing process as you are, I'm only 3.5 months in NC here.

[marky00]

not sure.

 

 

Since I ignored her message its not that far fetched to expect no response.

 

 

I have old friends who send me HB messages and often I don't reply. Because I just don't see the point re-connecting after a long period of time.

 

 

If she is smart enough, she should be able to work out the message was sent to neutralise the situation and nothing more than that. Again she should be smart enough to work out it's a delayed response to her confusing messages 5 weeks ago. No way I would have considered sending a HB if it wasn't for those initial messages.

 

 

In the end I probably wont send it but at the same time I do not think a HB message exposes someone to the hurt you are indicating.

 

 

I think its more when someone asks you a question, you respond and get silence when it is likely to sting the most.

Edited February 7, 2017 by marky00

[jamili]

So Mark, are you sending this bday message just to neutralize the situation? Or do you deep down actually want her to see it and say something in response. That's the question you have to ask yourself. If you truly want to just neutralize the situation, then send it. But you have to be true to yourself and make sure it's really all you want. I truly dont think it will hurt, as long as you dont expect a response and are 100% cool with that.

[marky00]

So Mark, are you sending this bday message just to neutralize the situation? Or do you deep down actually want her to see it and say something in response. That's the question you have to ask yourself. If you truly want to just neutralize the situation, then send it. But you have to be true to yourself and make sure it's really all you want. I truly dont think it will hurt, as long as you dont expect a response and are 100% cool with that.

 

When I say neutralise, I guess what I am saying is this.

 

 

Since the BU I have chosen to take the high road completely. It's been very hard but so far I have held true to this.

 

 

I feel like her recent messages, even if it was unintentional, has challenged this position I have been taking.

 

 

I know it shouldn't be bothering me but since this is the position I have been maintaining for long period of time, it just kind of sucks that now me ignoring her feels like that position has been altered somewhat.

 

 

By neutralising I guess I mean, I would send the message and can then go back to settling in the position I have been in for a long while and that is the HIGH ROAD.

 

 

If I was to keep ignoring messages and ignore birthdays and the like I need to come to terms with the fact I am in a slightly different position I was in before.

 

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

 

Oh and I suppose a response would be nice but maybe the comfort of being able to settle back to my original position might be worth it anyway.

Edited February 7, 2017 by marky00

[Sweetfish]

Because she was the one who broke it off.

 

 

No contact... not even birthdays.. not valetines day.. not christmas or other wise. You are completely cut from her life.

[marky00]

No contact... not even birthdays.. not valetines day.. not christmas or other wise. You are completely cut from her life.

 

And that is despite the fact a month ago or so she asked me how I have been?

 

 

Otherwise, I totally agree with you.

[angel.eyes]

If she wanted you back, she would state that after apologizing for her decision to breakup, not throw you a generic "What's up" type text before returning to radio silence.

 

Send her the happy birthday text if you must. But you've been warned that the result will be confusing and painful, which will set you back in your recovery.

 

Some people insist on planting their hand firmly on a hot stove before they'll believe any warning that the stove will burn them. So, have at it with this life lesson since you insist.

[Sweetfish]

And that is despite the fact a month ago or so she asked me how I have been?

 

 

Otherwise, I totally agree with you.

 

Yes. Does she know if you received the text. Does your phone give confirmation you read it? Sending her a happy birthday text is going to be lumped together with the other happy birthday texts she receives.. Do you really want your first respond mixed up with a bunch of other ppl telling her happy birthday... On top of that what if she is with friends or at a bar or a party or with family.

 

You will easily demote your self to last priority and not first priority.

 

it is what it is...

[marky00]

If she wanted you back, she would state that after apologizing for her decision to breakup, not throw you a generic "What's up" type text before returning to radio silence.

 

Send her the happy birthday text if you must. But you've been warned that the result will be confusing and painful, which will set you back in your recovery.

 

Some people insist on planting their hand firmly on a hot stove before they'll believe any warning that the stove will burn them. So, have at it with this life lesson since you insist.

 

Actually I wont be sending it.

 

 

And no, a lack of response won't set me back that much.

 

 

But where I do disagree is that this business of someone kicking your down or w/e and saying they made a mistake is baloney. Personally if she did that, I'd probably run for the hills, because it's just too much of a 180.

 

 

If its going to be a new relationship, I don't think it will or should start with an apology. Sure an apology would need to come at some point, the past cant be totally swept under the carpet but if that's the focus of the reconciliation, the relationship will fail.

[marky00]

Yes. Does she know if you received the text. Does your phone give confirmation you read it?

 

Well she knows I haven't changed my number in like 15 years.

 

 

Also, there are social media apps connected to phone numbers so it's pretty easy to figure out if number has been changed.

 

 

And I have never blocked her before in the past so all that being said, she surely would have come to the conclusion that I received and read those messages.

[Bromeo]

Marky,

 

I think you, I, and Jam are in different stages of the same process.

 

Simply put, ruminating about texting an ex on his/her birthday is taking mental energy away from meeting someone who knocks your socks off.

 

I have read your thread, good lord brother, that was tough going.

 

For me, I simply couldn't do the games, the wondering, the ignoring, and the breadcrumbs. Cigars on my deck just weren't worth the trouble. After I told mine to never contact me again, I took a small amount of satisfaction in "dumping" her. Not the same of course, but I do smile at the thought, as I'm positive no other man has done the same.

 

While I also do not adhere to the fantasy of them showing up at our doors, I do think a more substantial effort than crumbs in your case, and song links and quotes in my case are warranted.

 

If you had a healthy relationship, there is no way you'd be worried about her response to you sending a birthday message. That itself is indicative that your thoughts, and most likely her actions are toxic.

 

You will get there. As your self worth and confidence go up, you will not be overly concerned about these matters.

 

Took me 38 years.

[marky00]

I've already met someone else actually.

 

 

It's a case of co-existence. This has nothing to do with how I feel about myself.

 

 

On the contrary, given what I have been through I actually now have the confidence and tools needed to keep a girl who may have otherwise been out of my league. I honestly feel like I can get anyone I want and so far that is proving to be true.

 

 

It's just a co-existing issue. Screw with moving-on. I just do what I have to do to have some level of fun now and the past will or will not take care of itself.

[marky00]

If you had a healthy relationship, there is no way you'd be worried about her response to you sending a birthday message. That itself is indicative that your thoughts, and most likely her actions are toxic.

 

I'm not so worried about how the message would be received. I've been there, done that and come out the other side.

 

 

It's just a case that someone I knew for 10 years, reached out (lamely yes) for whatever reason and I have chosen to ignore them. Not something I have ever done before nor would have expected I would have done.

 

 

I'm just doing the sensible thing of putting the idea out there and seeing what others think. Better that that coming on here once the message had already been sent.

 

 

I'm further along the process than most of you guys so I think my motivations are somewhat different. What those motivations for me are somewhat unclear but it does feel different to what they were more closer to the breakup.

[marky00]

After I told mine to never contact me again, I took a small amount of satisfaction in "dumping" her. Not the same of course, but I do smile at the thought, as I'm positive no other man has done the same.

 

If that worked for you then great. But in years to come will it please you to know you gave her the satisfaction of showing that emotion?

 

 

I can definitely understand why people post BU look for the nasty endings and knife twisting because it does tend to help with the initial moving on.

 

 

But in my case, my Ex will never get that pleasure of a reaction from me, till the day I die. Even if it kills me, she deserves to OWN IT ALL. I will have no part in offloading any of that for her.