Dumped and work together

[Goodguy05]

In a world of pain partner split wth me dumped me a few mths back worse still we work together which is challenging enough I don't realy wanna leave as its a good company and all but finding it hard as she has a lot of friends she's met there lots of guys and it's painful. Trying to cope but I think recently she may have started seeing someone in the office or there not official but getting to know each other it's gonna kill me seeing her wth someone new that's how we met at work. I donno wat to do my mind thinks about transferring back and moving back home interstate we were together for a long time and it's only been a few mths since we split. I'm still dealing wth quiet hurt raw feelings. Be interested to here people's thoughts do i stick it out I love living here but there's now a lot of pain triggers like the work place. I don't have much of a support network up here where as she does from work always going out. Wat would u do ?

[preraph]

I decided I loved my career more than my ex, who I worked with for 10 years, but it took a piece out of me and there were close encounters I had to say no to in order not to get even more hurt again. There were times he walked by my desk that that rush of feelings of attraction came back over me and it was very painful. Resentments built on both sides because we were working together, too. He probably felt he was "helping" me, and I felt he was holding me back. It didn't end well, though it did last 10 years.

 

I had to work close with him. If you don't have to work right in the same room with your ex, maybe it will be easier.

[Goodguy05]

Thanks preraph

 

We don't sit far from one another i suspect she's really rubbing it in at the moment laughing making sure I see she's moved on always happy chatting and now looks like she's about to start another office romance it's really painful. We work in a call centre and I'm just trying to take it a day at a time. It's hard im hurting still hav feelings but also the hurt overrides those feelings. I appreciate ur opinion and insight

[Lostandconfused12]

Look for a new job. There is ALWAYS something better!! Maybe things are meant to happen for a reason? Maybe there's a better job and better income in the stars for you? Just a thought. Nothing wrong in just interviewing a few places. Me personally, I wouldn't want to be there knowing how awkward things are between you and maybe the coworkers. There's always better

[Goodguy05]

Was out shopping tonight been a few mths since the ex split with me was starting to actually feel ok this week despite valentines day being a lil challenging I survived. Tonight it all came back to a slight sting not as bad as before seeing the ex wth her friend and som guy that hangs wth them regularly. I saw them they didn't see me i donno wats going there wasn't any intimacy but this guy's always around. Still it hurt. I can never understand how someone throughout our relationship who claimed she'd never loved anyone like me im her soulmate suddenly cuts it off after over 5 yrs. I thought it might hav been a 3rd party but never seen any evidence of it anyway wats it matter. I'm just venting. It's almost like she built me up all just words in the end. Said feelings had gone from too much pain lol I put up wth quiet a lot from her end as she's got kids wth a bitter ex who didn't make things easy and made hell the last yr for us. Stil stupidly even tho I struggled wth her I kept trying even tho I wasent the happiest all the time and put up wth quiet a lot of drama. Guess I feel angry aftrr tonight. We work together which sux. Leaves the kids interstate for a better life none of it makes sense

[Goodguy05]

Hey everyone

 

Becoming a regular on here.

 

I'm stuck

 

I moved interstate to be living in my dream location my ex followed after a few yrs but she dumped me a couple of mths after. Anyway I won't bore u wth the details just to say the company I work for is quiet big here and i enjoy my work but working wth the ex is becoming difficult and there appears to be office romance on her end not confirmed but still it's painful. I been considering moving back interstate and transferring wth the company just till I heal and thenjoy maybe come back once I'm stronger it's been about 3 mths. But then I think why should I go back and then I miss my network down sth I don't know that many people here and th3 weekends are challenging to say the least. I have no idea how to move forward wth this and feel stuck. If I move south it's more expensive if i stay here it hurts. Haha wat a pickle this is. I even read gods word in the bible and he states to stay and fight in adversity. Anyway made it thru another day but this is not easy it makes it harder to heal seeing her and stuff any suggestions would be really helpful guys and girls

[Telemachus]

Life is hard. No matter what you do, it's still going to be hard.

 

You work with someone with whom you've had two breakups. You and she are now exes for the second time. Ignore her new relationships, no matter how much you may still care about her. Even if you did get back together with her, it would be a mistake - a third breakup is a certainty. Let her live her life separate from you. As difficult as it is, when working, you're going to have to view and treat her as you would any other work colleague.

 

Where you live and work is entirely your choice. Your comment about missing your network where you used to live reveals a truth about life - making friends becomes more difficult as we get older. This is particularly true after age 40. People simply develop fewer new close friendships than they were able to earlier in life. You're not a kindergardener or college freshman, and future new friendships may not come easily, even if you move back to where you lived before.

 

If you're lonely, plan to use vacation time and travel to go visit old friends. If you prefer to live there, then move back. However, you don't have to remain employed by the same company, and you have far more than two options about where to live.

[Goodguy05]

Life is hard. No matter what you do, it's still going to be hard.

 

You work with someone with whom you've had two breakups. You and she are now exes for the second time. Ignore her new relationships, no matter how much you may still care about her. Even if you did get back together with her, it would be a mistake - a third breakup is a certainty. Let her live her life separate from you. As difficult as it is, when working, you're going to have to view and treat her as you would any other work colleague.

 

Where you live and work is entirely your choice. Your comment about missing your network where you used to live reveals a truth about life - making friends becomes more difficult as we get older. This is particularly true after age 40. People simply develop fewer new close friendships than they were able to earlier in life. You're not a kindergardener or college freshman, and future new friendships may not come easily, even if you move back to where you lived before.

 

If you're lonely, plan to use vacation time and travel to go visit old friends. If you prefer to live there, then move back. However, you don't have to remain employed by the same company, and you have far more than two options about where to live.

 

 

You work with someone with whom you've had two breakups. You and she are now exes for the second time. Ignore her new relationships, no matter how much you may still care about her. Even if you did get back together with her, it would be a mistake - a third breakup is a certainty. Let her live her life separate from you. As difficult as it is, when working, you're going to have to view and treat her as you would any other work colleague.

[Goodguy05]

Lol I donno wat happened there my comment disappeared but thanku u have som valid points I just found out today I got a better paying role in the same companyear. I applied for a a cpl others but didn't get those and got this on3. So same Co better money. Well at least for now I have to stay put for a few mths to train etc by then I shld know wat to do and wether I wanna stay or go back and u r absolutly spot on im I n my 40's and it is very hard to make new friends I miss my ole crew time will decide my decision I thing I'm no marter

[preraph]

I've faced big decisions where there was no perfect answer. Like the time I had to face the fact that the most logical place for me to go work after the place I had been working filed bankruptcy was where my ex who had slept with my best friend worked. At the time, no, I wasn't considering working right there in the building with him, and it was already unavoidable to see him because we had parallel career paths that crossed. It was a decision that literally made me psychosomatic and physically sick.

 

I chose my career. I couldn't let him derail it. It was my dream. But it meant intermittent torture being around him. I would have kept running into him anyway, but he wouldn't have been so close I could smell his hair.

 

Even though I applied to go out into retail and not the corporate office where he worked, I agreed to the owner to set up an inventory system for him before I left, so that meant I saw the ex every day. When the project was up, the ex found an excuse to get the owner to ask me to stay and be his assistant. I worked beside him for 10 years. Some of that time was really emotionally hurtful on me and I think on him too. So I know what you're facing.

 

I say do the thing that gives you hope, even if it's a little harder. Do the thing that frees you. I spent years watching him date and through two marriages and into the one that lasted. I had "dead" times during some of that when I was just emotionally vacant, numb.

 

Free yourself. Don't totally derail your career to do it, but since you have some options, take them and go be happier. Good luck.

[Goodguy05]

I've faced big decisions where there was no perfect answer. Like the time I had to face the fact that the most logical place for me to go work after the place I had been working filed bankruptcy was where my ex who had slept with my best friend worked. At the time, no, I wasn't considering working right there in the building with him, and it was already unavoidable to see him because we had parallel career paths that crossed. It was a decision that literally made me psychosomatic and physically sick.

 

I chose my career. I couldn't let him derail it. It was my dream. But it meant intermittent torture being around him. I would have kept running into him anyway, but he wouldn't have been so close I could smell his hair.

 

Even though I applied to go out into retail and not the corporate office where he worked, I agreed to the owner to set up an inventory system for him before I left, so that meant I saw the ex every day. When the project was up, the ex found an excuse to get the owner to ask me to stay and be his assistant. I worked beside him for 10 years. Some of that time was really emotionally hurtful on me and I think on him too. So I know what you're facing.

 

I say do the thing that gives you hope, even if it's a little harder. Do the thing that frees you. I spent years watching him date and through two marriages and into the one that lasted. I had "dead" times during some of that when I was just emotionally vacant, numb.

 

Free yourself. Don't totally derail your career to do it, but since you have some options, take them and go be happier. Good luck.

 

 

 

Wow that's an incredibly tough situation makes mine look like a walk in the park God that would of been tough. It is a good career move and more money I just feel stuck b3cause where I live was my dream but it's painful now being here i can go bac but unsure I would regret it. The other choice is another company up here but this is a big one i work for now just unfortunate theres only one call centre and it's open plan. I don't know for sure but I'm sure she revels in this situation. Her true colours came out and I had a feeling this cld happen wth me and her. We were on rocky ground before she got the job and I was trying to reason wth her it would be at my expense but she is quiet selfish. She's got kids dragged her son interstate left her daughter behind wth the ex interstate the ex warned about taking the son and went to court and she lost him. But she decided she wasn't going back and let her son go back who was having issues wth the dad so shows her character. Ahh feel like I'm stuck I don't wanna just stay and torture myself either thanks for the words of wisdom

[preraph]

She sounds a mess letting her son get taken away, not making him a priority.

 

I get it about the dream city and all that, but if you're miserable while you're there, it's not going to be the same.

There are surely other cities. It may take some time, but you could start looking at other nice towns rather than go back home. Or take that job there locally, although, if your luck is anything like mine, she might end up there too!

 

Five years after I was no longer working with my ex, I took a job back in the same industry again and all was well. My biggest client was a divcision of a big box chain that I traveled to call on. I had been doing that a few months when guess who took a job as the head honcho at the big-box chain division I had to call on? Last I'd hear he was up north somewhere. Then, for reasons I still don't know, he was working in contact with me again.

 

We are acquaintances now. But it was a harrowing journey, at least on my end. At least now I have the option of finally going no contact. Hah. I don't feel the need now though.

[Goodguy05]

She sounds a mess letting her son get taken away, not making him a priority.

 

I get it about the dream city and all that, but if you're miserable while you're there, it's not going to be the same.

There are surely other cities. It may take some time, but you could start looking at other nice towns rather than go back home. Or take that job there locally, although, if your luck is anything like mine, she might end up there too!

 

Five years after I was no longer working with my ex, I took a job back in the same industry again and all was well. My biggest client was a divcision of a big box chain that I traveled to call on. I had been doing that a few months when guess who took a job as the head honcho at the big-box chain division I had to call on? Last I'd hear he was up north somewhere. Then, for reasons I still don't know, he was working in contact with me again.

 

We are acquaintances now. But it was a harrowing journey, at least on my end. At least now I have the option of finally going no contact. Hah. I don't feel the need now though.

 

 

Holy smoke imagine that him following u like that in ure career. I've read a few posts about some ex's working side by side for 10 yrs like the post above omg no way lol for now Ivery got a new role and will stay put. Ye she's a peice of work alright she's let all her kids go. She's got 3 the 1st she use to tell me how much she regretted it and karma and all this caught up wth her and she'd never do it again but she continues to make tbe s e bad choices in my opinion. The court ruled she had to live Close to the ex and was doing her head in still I couldn't imagine my parents doing that wth m3. Tim3 will tell how that plays out for her but in the meantim3 she's here defiantly at my expense. I'm just hoping by a miracle this new team sits down the opposite end of the centre then it'll be a lot easier to cope as i wont see her as much. At the moment I'm in eyesight because our teams hav to sit together. My plan is once I'm trained worse case scenario im gonna talk to the manager about wats been going on and ask to be moved down the other end. They're not gonna be happy but **** that I'm not gonna sit there so close to her hearing aher laugh like a hyenna everyday guys always coming to her desk.. I reflect and think to myself how did I overlook this part of her personality the selfish part. A lot of red flags in our 6 yr union like letting her son go she doesn't get on wth her dad and she always bagged the ex but I noticed how she never took any responsibility for her own short comings it was always ur fault lol another red flag. Things we overlook in lov ...I had my shorta comings as well tg hats a whole nother thread but myou point is her working together. Anyway thanks against guys for ur thoughts and sharing ur stories it certainly sheds some light on my own

[preraph]

Well, that aspect of her about nothing ever being her fault is what is the root cause of all her problems, you know not taking responsibility.

 

Meanwhile, you could place a visual barrier around your desk so you can't at least just look up and see her. A tall potted plant, something like that.

 

When I was first working in the office with my ex bf they had me in another guy's office, a supervisor, and that supervisor was a card and would try to read me fishing magazines, which I mentioned to the ex bf rolling my eyes, and he went right in and picked up my desk and moved it into the office with him. Sigh.

So I know it had to be hard on him some ways, what happened between us, because his actions showed he did care -- but only sometimes and other times he was careless about my feelings, very careless.

[Goodguy05]

Well, that aspect of her about nothing ever being her fault is what is the root cause of all her problems, you know not taking responsibility.

 

Meanwhile, you could place a visual barrier around your desk so you can't at least just look up and see her. A tall potted plant, something like that.

 

When I was first working in the office with my ex bf they had me in another guy's office, a supervisor, and that supervisor was a card and would try to read me fishing magazines, which I mentioned to the ex bf rolling my eyes, and he went right in and picked up my desk and moved it into the office with him. Sigh.

So I know it had to be hard on him some ways, what happened between us, because his actions showed he did care -- but only sometimes and other times he was careless about my feelings, very careless.

 

 

Great suggestions and insights there prepath and yes that makes total sense why she keeps making mistakes it didn't occur to me till I read wat u said about that and it's spot on. Gee it's brang me down seeing wat i been having to see at work. Hopefully I can come up wth a game plan that will work I'm thinking every day my next step the new job at the company is a God send wth extra cash that's a good trajectory just gotta figure out and navigate thru this mess and pain. In a few yrs I look back and laugh but for now its pain n pain. I've realised som lessons for me in this my part in it what I'm really hoping is to connect the dots and figure out why I keep having the same conclusions in these endings theres one common denominator and that's me. In this case I took on more than i cld handle wth her kids. I see a lot of my dad in me wen it comes to relationships I withdraw and become a bit to prideful if im not getting my needs met in a relationship that was dad haha wwell can be like 5 yr Olds in a relationship sometimes

[preraph]

You said the guy is always hanging around. Are you spying on her? If so, you are just prolonging your own misery. I'm sorry you're hurt, and I'm encouraged that you started doing better before this setback. But that again just tells me you need to block any contact and then get busy rebuilding your social life, reconnect with friends, take a little vacation to cheer yourself up.

[SevenCity]

Was out shopping tonight been a few mths since the ex split with me was starting to actually feel ok this week despite valentines day being a lil challenging I survived. Tonight it all came back to a slight sting not as bad as before seeing the ex wth her friend and som guy that hangs wth them regularly. I saw them they didn't see me i donno wats going there wasn't any intimacy but this guy's always around. Still it hurt. I can never understand how someone throughout our relationship who claimed she'd never loved anyone like me im her soulmate suddenly cuts it off after over 5 yrs. I thought it might hav been a 3rd party but never seen any evidence of it anyway wats it matter. I'm just venting. It's almost like she built me up all just words in the end. Said feelings had gone from too much pain lol I put up wth quiet a lot from her end as she's got kids wth a bitter ex who didn't make things easy and made hell the last yr for us. Stil stupidly even tho I struggled wth her I kept trying even tho I wasent the happiest all the time and put up wth quiet a lot of drama. Guess I feel angry aftrr tonight. We work together which sux. Leaves the kids interstate for a better life none of it makes sense

 

Keep this as a lesson for the future. When women say that they mean it AT THAT MOMENT. As guys we tend to cling onto stuff like that.

 

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean S*&t.

[marky00]

Keep this as a lesson for the future. When women say that they mean it AT THAT MOMENT. As guys we tend to cling onto stuff like that.

 

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean S*&t.

 

We cling on to it coz we are logical creatures. Nothing wrong with that. That's why guys are not often dumpers because logically they take into a/c all of the past, present and also potentially the future.

 

 

Women do tend to act more on their feelings at a given moment. At the time of dumping you they will recite all the "logical reasons" but that is just a smoke screen for their emotional reasons.

 

 

I once had a female dumper tell me she was dumping me because she felt I didn't have leadership qualities and was stuck in the one spot. At the time, I was running my own business, had a degree etc. She on the other hand dropped out of Uni and chose to be unemployed. I also helped her get a Visa so she would not get kicked out of the country.

 

 

What it told me was it's all about PERCEPTIONS for women. It doesn't matter what you do, it's more about how you do things or if the way you do things mirror up with some fantasy view in her mind. Rather than letting things unfold, they will often let these perceptions get in the way, to the point that often things can't eventuate naturally anyway.

[SevenCity]

We cling on to it coz we are logical creatures. Nothing wrong with that. That's why guys are not often dumpers because logically they take into a/c all of the past, present and also potentially the future.

 

 

Women do tend to act more on their feelings at a given moment. At the time of dumping you they will recite all the "logical reasons" but that is just a smoke screen for their emotional reasons.

 

 

I once had a female dumper tell me she was dumping me because she felt I didn't have leadership qualities and was stuck in the one spot. At the time, I was running my own business, had a degree etc. She on the other hand dropped out of Uni and chose to be unemployed. I also helped her get a Visa so she would not get kicked out of the country.

 

 

What it told me was it's all about PERCEPTIONS for women. It doesn't matter what you do, it's more about how you do things or if the way you do things mirror up with some fantasy view in her mind. Rather than letting things unfold, they will often let these perceptions get in the way, to the point that often things can't eventuate naturally anyway.

 

This is so true I wish I could sticky it.

 

I've learned a lot about the emotional vs logical mindset (after I got dumped of course).

 

It's really sad because had I known this prior I could have saved my RL.

 

The funny thing with emotions is they tend to change often. Anytime I broke up with a girl it was for logical reasons and I analyzed my decision to death.

 

As a result I never regretted ending s RL. I can't say that most women feel that way. Doesn't mean they come back, but they do often have feelings of regret afterwards.

 

At least I know for the next one - assuming I ever find one I'd like to have as a gf.

[marky00]

 

It's really sad because had I known this prior I could have saved my RL.

 

 

Yes, I know the feeling.

 

 

On the other hand however, dealing with someone who only engages or judges at an emotional level is a heck of a lot of work. You will be playing Inspector Gadget for 24/7 with little success.

 

 

Think about it, your pet gets sick or a family member gets into trouble, all of a sudden you can't find solutions to what might have otherwise been easy to figure out if you and the party were not as deeply connected on an emotional level. Emotions cloud logic, its as simple as that.

 

 

If your Ex, never allowed logic into her mindset, then you can't really blame yourself because that is an unwinnable battle.

 

 

If on the other hand you meant that you were only dealing with the relationship issues at a logical level but didn't really embrace the issues at an emotional level, then yes, that will eventually cause some problems.

 

 

What it comes down to I think, is you have to master the ability to stay emotionally connected but be strong enough to make logical decisions in the midst of all those emotions. For some of us guys, we just find that too challenging and end up focussing on only one of them (usually logic at first and then emotions after the BU or once we feel the relationship is on the rocks:))

[Goodguy05]

You said the guy is always hanging around. Are you spying on her? If so, you are just prolonging your own misery. I'm sorry you're hurt, and I'm encouraged that you started doing better before this setback. But that again just tells me you need to block any contact and then get busy rebuilding your social life, reconnect with friends, take a little vacation to cheer yourself up.

 

Not spying haha but I guess observed for a few mins but didn't see anythingredients but ur right wat does it matter I can't really do anything about it and the pain it caused doesn't really inspire me too either good point

[Goodguy05]

We cling on to it coz we are logical creatures. Nothing wrong with that. That's why guys are not often dumpers because logically they take into a/c all of the past, present and also potentially the future.

 

 

Women do tend to act more on their feelings at a given moment. At the time of dumping you they will recite all the "logical reasons" but that is just a smoke screen for their emotional reasons.

 

 

I once had a female dumper tell me she was dumping me because she felt I didn't have leadership qualities and was stuck in the one spot. At the time, I was running my own business, had a degree etc. She on the other hand dropped out of Uni and chose to be unemployed. I also helped her get a Visa so she would not get kicked out of the country.

 

 

What it told me was it's all about PERCEPTIONS for women. It doesn't matter what you do, it's more about how you do things or if the way you do things mirror up with some fantasy view in her mind. Rather than letting things unfold, they will often let these perceptions get in the way, to the point that often things can't eventuate naturally anyway.

 

Wow great observation I 2nd that couldn't of said it better myself instinctively I felt this wth each break up that's why now I realy hav lost a lot of trust wth woman so I'm in no rush for another one at all. They go on how they feel forget touching it out. This one always admired life long relationships and wld often be envious yet does the opposite in her own

[coolheadal]

Women with kids and the prior man hanging around can make you the current guy a living hell. Although you have manage to put up with all the nonsense this brings out now your getting over her. Just have to know your did the right thing move on sure things hurt now but in the end you'll be more happy with yourself and now with her. She choose to go back to her ex that's her choice. This happens always..

[Goodguy05]

I was doing ok some of u may know my story about working wth my ex it's been about 6 mths since we split. I always wondered how she jis the let go so easily after 6 yrs. I kno probably started checking out mths before. Anyway last night I found out she's seeing a guy at work where we work. I never in my wildest dreams would of imagined she'd go for him

He's a islander big guy overweight not the prettiest looking. I keep thinking he must offer her som emotional security. She has kids but left all of em. She has 3 kids the 1st kid to a different dad she gave up because she vouldnt handle him wen he was like 12 or something. She always told me hown much she regretted doing that and that karma has been paying her back ever since. Now the other 2 wth a different dad shes done the same under different circumstances. She moved interstate for the job I work at i was totally not for it as we were having probl3ms and fighting and I wasn't really sure if I cld handle the kids 24/7. Turns out the daughter didn't wanna go and stayed back and she took her son who was having issues wth the dad at the time. The dad wasn't happy about this and took her to court whee she lost. She did have the option to go bac but decided to stay. Wat does that say about her I'd be interested to know wat people on here think. Some background around it the judge ruled the son had to live within 25 ks of the dad wich meant if my ex went back she had to do the same. So she was quiet depressed about it but knew full well the son was having issues wth the dad and the son hadn't spoken to him for a over a yr. The son is 11 and daughter 13. So she's now up here 1000 miles away from them working in the same company. It is a better lifestyle and all up here living near the beach. Anyway. A few mths later after she chased and chased and told me how much she loved me and soulmates etc she dumps me and says she's lost feelins. U kno the old i love u but I'm not in love wth u. That was 6 mths ago i always suspected maybe a 3rd party but never knew for sure. She's got mutual friends on fb and no one ever saw anything accept recently in January where her in this hm guy were having a glass of wine together.

 

Question I hav I mean our relationship was challenging because of the kids but I wanna ask do u believe she ended it because of another party? As in she had interest in someone. And wat do u make of her character re her kids. I'm just curious wat people think. I've tried not to paint her in a particular way I'm just curious.

 

For me she's really turned my life from being good to painful by coming up here. I now am so confused and up in the air as to wat to do myself. I sold our family home to come up here the real estate down sth is expensive. But it's painful being here well it was only from time to time i was getting better but now learning this news my heads in a spin. If I stay I know it's gonna probably be painful and I have only a small network of people up here. Yet if i go back interstate it's not as petty as here and affordable. Any advice would be most welcome. I kno move on that's easier said than done working together.

[preraph]

You know they say past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. And she has quite a history of leaving loved ones behind in the dust. I honestly just think she has bigger problems than you can even fathom that enable her to do this type of irresponsible stuff that would never occur to most parents. She probably isn't able to handle responsibility, which commitment is a part of, and who knows where it started, maybe a chaotic childhood, like maybe this is what seems normal to her. Or she just got off track sometime or was never taught to be a responsible adult.

 

The more you write about her, the more I want just say, Hey, you dodged a bullet. She's a mess. She would have created a huge mess if she had remained like family and more kids. I know it's hard to change emotions you feel, but honestly, you are probably lucky this one has walked away to wreak havoc in someone else's life and is out of yours.

 

Once you get a new girlfriend, you'll wonder what you ever saw in this one. I'm guessing you were "saving" her, because Lord knows she needs it!