Cruel Dumpers

[SevenCity]

I keep reading on LS about the selfish actions of dumpers. Things like:

 

 

• Ex was making future plans (vacations, babies, marriage, etc.) with the dumpee right before the split (had this one done to me)
  
• Led them on afterwards through breadcumbs and stopped responding once the dumpee did
  
• Said “Maybe we will get back together in the future” (heard this one too)
  
• Making the dumpee visit them in another country only to get dumped (!)
  
• Saying things like “I’ll always be there for you” when they are never there for you again (got this one as well)
  
• etc.
  

I’m sure a lot of the platitudes are said out of guilt or fear that the future the dumper had planned might not work out and they might want to come back. As far as making future plans or leading someone on I have no idea.

 

 

I consider it far less cruel or selfish when I hear things like “she was cold”, “said he lost all feelings for me”, “It will never work”, etc. I think these give the dumpee a fighting chance of moving on because it kills any hopes. Although it may hurt more initially, it makes it much easier in the long run.

 

 

It made me think about the times I have broken up with a girl. I’m not going to claim I was always the best bf, but I never said, nor felt the need to say anything that could be construed as we might get back together.

 

 

I wondered if it was a male / female thing but I’ve read posts here from women who seem to experience the same.

 

 

So it got me wondering – are these just messed up people? Does being a dumper make you do / say things like that?

 

 

I find nothing more cruel than keeping someone hanging on to hope when there is none.

[Ronni_W]

I don't really think that most dumpers' intentions are actively to be cruel, or that they actually want to engage in selfish actions, or that they consciously want to deliberately hurt us any further. (Although, there are, of course, those who come into the relationship with already-existing rage, vindictiveness, etc. -- which we missed or ignored the neon-lit red flags, for whatever reason.)

 

Dumpers go through their own guilt and sense of failure; and, some of us are emotionally under-developed or even illiterate; and, we lack communication and other healthy 'people skills'. And, then there's just lack of sensitivity and compassion and empathy. So, at the end of it, we're just like the people we end up dumping. Not worse or better, really.

[Sweetfish]

I keep reading on LS about the selfish actions of dumpers. Things like:

 

 

• Ex was making future plans (vacations, babies, marriage, etc.) with the dumpee right before the split (had this one done to me)
  
• Led them on afterwards through breadcumbs and stopped responding once the dumpee did
  
• Said “Maybe we will get back together in the future” (heard this one too)
  
• Making the dumpee visit them in another country only to get dumped (!)
  
• Saying things like “I’ll always be there for you” when they are never there for you again (got this one as well)
  
• etc.
  

I’m sure a lot of the platitudes are said out of guilt or fear that the future the dumper had planned might not work out and they might want to come back. As far as making future plans or leading someone on I have no idea.

 

 

I consider it far less cruel or selfish when I hear things like “she was cold”, “said he lost all feelings for me”, “It will never work”, etc. I think these give the dumpee a fighting chance of moving on because it kills any hopes. Although it may hurt more initially, it makes it much easier in the long run.

 

 

It made me think about the times I have broken up with a girl. I’m not going to claim I was always the best bf, but I never said, nor felt the need to say anything that could be construed as we might get back together.

 

 

I wondered if it was a male / female thing but I’ve read posts here from women who seem to experience the same.

 

 

So it got me wondering – are these just messed up people? Does being a dumper make you do / say things like that?

 

 

I find nothing more cruel than keeping someone hanging on to hope when there is none.

 

 

These are all human defense mechanism that are NOT GENDER specific and your only noticing these defense mechanism at its highest domination.

 

Its like when the new year comes and you say you gonna lose 50 lbs and say you will go to the gym every day and you don't. The next year comes and you promise the same thing will happen. These are mechanisms unique to humans and is consider a practice of cognitive dissonance.

 

Some times we say we will call someone and in hind sight we know we are not going to call them. So we do this all the time and not realize it.

 

We are selfish beings and even those who are using L.S. as a way to find answers and fix the pain is a selfish action. Being selfish is fine to a certain extent.... but a healthy selfish individual needs to learn how to heal the pain using internal validation.

 

If your dumper has ran into the arms of another person quickly and swiftly this is not healthy.. no matter how normal you think it is and as HARD as it might be to swallow such a statement, knowing this is the only and best way to heal. Its may very well be you are with a narcissist on some spectrum and they need validation from someone else quickly and lack of empathy comes with that package.

 

I bet every night before your lay your head to rest you can't wrap around the fact that another individual can do this to another. That though is proof that person was not a HEALTHY individual to move forward with and be lucky you did not have kids or married this person... its is a painful blessing.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Sweetfish

[divegrl]

So funny! I was thinking about this exact same thing.

 

I agree with the above poster that at the end of a relationship we become very selfish and interested in self preservation.

 

As a dumper, we want to minimize the amount of guilt we have. Telling the dumpee " I will always love you" , or " I think there's somebody who will treat you better". We want to soften the blow... and honestly leave the door open in case we made the wrong decision.

 

As a dumpee , we want clear straight forward communication. We want the dumper to eliminate all hope of reconciliation so we can move on.

 

I have been in both roles and sadly did a very poor job of ending relationships. Seeing this from others perspective has helped me immensely.

[DarrenB]

I'm going to leave a quote from a journal entry by another member of this forum, Satu - Perceive this however you choose to. The relevance between this and what you've said isn't completely the same, but there are similarities:

 

'Everyone is free to leave a relationship at any time, if thats what they want to do.

 

 

It can be painful when someone walks away, but that doesn't mean that the person who left did something wrong, or is a 'bad person.'

 

They just exercised their right to choose the direction of their life.

 

They might have done things to hurt you, but ending a relationship isn't in itself wrong.

 

There should be no hostages to love.'

[mightycpa]

Then I've had the privilege of dating some of the least messed-up people in the world... not that this feels so good either.

[Sweetfish]

I'm going to leave a quote from a journal entry by another member of this forum, Satu - Perceive this however you choose to. The relevance between this and what you've said isn't completely the same, but there are similarities:

 

'Everyone is free to leave a relationship at any time, if thats what they want to do.

 

 

It can be painful when someone walks away, but that doesn't mean that the person who left did something wrong, or is a 'bad person.'

 

They just exercised their right to choose the direction of their life.

 

They might have done things to hurt you, but ending a relationship isn't in itself wrong.

 

There should be no hostages to love.'

 

 

This sounds great if we were chimpanzees. After chimpanzees loses another mate they just go about their business carefree.

 

But when your in a relationship we expect both individuals are on a path to build something and to project that future requires a solid foundation and investment. So when a person puts a lot of their cards on that projected future on hopes, dreams, and fallacy of another person and that foundation crumbles.

 

That is devastating. I mean you just knocked a person down 3 levels on the hierarchy of needs.

 

The self-actualization has been compromised

The self esteem has taken a hit.

The self of Love and belong is destroyed

 

Their sense of purpose has been ripped away and the dumper has found a new sense of purpose with another individual without the damage of their own needs. They have no loyalty nor empathy, do not take them back and just move forward with your life and find someone who is loyal and has empathy.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Sweetfish

[SevenCity]

I'm going to leave a quote from a journal entry by another member of this forum, Satu - Perceive this however you choose to. The relevance between this and what you've said isn't completely the same, but there are similarities:

 

'Everyone is free to leave a relationship at any time, if thats what they want to do.

 

 

It can be painful when someone walks away, but that doesn't mean that the person who left did something wrong, or is a 'bad person.'

 

They just exercised their right to choose the direction of their life.

 

They might have done things to hurt you, but ending a relationship isn't in itself wrong.

 

There should be no hostages to love.'

 

I agree 100% with this statement and I'm not by any means saying someone should stay in an RL if they are not happy.

 

But, having dumped several women, I NEVER did any of these things I listed. Ever. I never told them it may work in the future, I never made future plans and dumped them a week or two later. Nothing.

 

I don't think I'm so great but it makes me question why other people do such things.

 

Edited to say: I have clearly voiced my issues and gave them an opportunity to rectify. Once I realize they could or would not I ended it.

[Pumpingiron34]

This sounds great if we were chimpanzees. After chimpanzees loses another mate they just go about their business carefree.

 

But when your in a relationship we expect both individuals are on a path to build something and to project that future requires a solid foundation and investment. So when a person puts a lot of their cards on that projected future on hopes, dreams, and fallacy of another person and that foundation crumbles.

 

That is devastating. I mean you just knocked a person down 3 levels on the hierarchy of needs.

 

The self-actualization has been compromised

The self esteem has taken a hit.

The self of Love and belong is destroyed

 

Their sense of purpose has been ripped away and the dumper has found a new sense of purpose with another individual without the damage of their own needs. They have no loyalty nor empathy, do not take them back and just move forward with your life and find someone who is loyal and has empathy.

Dam, so well written and inspireing

[Mrlonelyone]

FWIW There are many who say that you don't really know someone until you break up with them. Wheter dumper or dumpee.

 

I have had people dump me the way you are talking about and you know what. When I have reencountered such people it turns out life wasn't some bed of roses for them post me.

 

If someone will behave in an emotionally immature or unethical way with you they will do it in other areas of life and there are consequences for that.

 

If they make grand future plans then bail on them with you they probably do that in other relationships from friends and family to jobs and business. Eventually no one takes them seriously.

 

Even if they date and marry the next person ... then they will just ac that way in context of a marriage. Imagine having a wife or husband who could never follow through on anything and who can't be relied on.

 

You may have just dodged a bullet.

Edited February 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SevenCity]

FWIW There are many who say that you don't really know someone until you break up with them. Wheter dumper or dumpee.

 

I have had people dump me the way you are talking about and you know what. When I have reencountered such people it turns out life wasn't some bed of roses for them post me.

 

If someone will behave in an emotionally immature or unethical way with you they will do it in other areas of life and there are consequences for that.

 

If they make grand future plans then bail on them with you they probably do that in other relationships from friends and family to jobs and business. Eventually no one takes them seriously.

 

Even if they date and marry the next person ... then they will just ac that way in context of a marriage. Imagine having a wife or husband who could never follow through on anything and who can't be relied on.

 

You may have just dodged a bullet.

 

Well in my case I could always rely on her. That's why it's so painful.

 

But, it could be that the woman I fell in love with no longer exists and her future could be a lot less bright without me in it.

 

I guess I'll never know.

Edited February 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sweetfish]

FWIW There are many who say that you don't really know someone until you break up with them. Wheter dumper or dumpee.

 

I have had people dump me the way you are talking about and you know what. When I have reencountered such people it turns out life wasn't some bed of roses for them post me.

 

If someone will behave in an emotionally immature or unethical way with you they will do it in other areas of life and there are consequences for that.

 

If they make grand future plans then bail on them with you they probably do that in other relationships from friends and family to jobs and business. Eventually no one takes them seriously.

 

Even if they date and marry the next person ... then they will just ac that way in context of a marriage. Imagine having a wife or husband who could never follow through on anything and who can't be relied on.

 

You may have just dodged a bullet.

 

 

1 million likes

Edited February 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lounat]

I was dumped quite cruelly just 3 months ago. Led on and was given hope on getting back together and lied to over and over again. Said she loves me very much while seeing someone on the side lol. I just can't wrap my head around her actions. Why can't you just leave me for good if you want to be with someone else? The cruel part is that she didn't tell me that she was getting engaged with this guy she was seeing (I just found out he was her colleague). She even told me the new guy is someone she just met (lie). I had to find out about the engagement from social media.

I just don't get why she had to lie and string me along when she knew there is definitely no future with me.

Just so cruel and so painful.

[SevenCity]

I was dumped quite cruelly just 3 months ago. Led on and was given hope on getting back together and lied to over and over again. Said she loves me very much while seeing someone on the side lol. I just can't wrap my head around her actions. Why can't you just leave me for good if you want to be with someone else? The cruel part is that she didn't tell me that she was getting engaged with this guy she was seeing (I just found out he was her colleague). She even told me the new guy is someone she just met (lie). I had to find out about the engagement from social media.

I just don't get why she had to lie and string me along when she knew there is definitely no future with me.

Just so cruel and so painful.

 

Ouch man - sorry to hear that.

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about. There was no reason she couldn't just have said "it's never going to work. I'm sorry"

 

Sure that hurts but a lot less than dragging someone along.

[Been]

Because nobody wants to be the bad person so they drag things on until it reaches a point where they act DRASTIC to end it. Damage control.

Also to keep having to explain their actions people will get downright nasty figuring nobobdy is going to ask questions on the face of being disrespected.

[gmariadenise]

This sounds great if we were chimpanzees. After chimpanzees loses another mate they just go about their business carefree.

 

But when your in a relationship we expect both individuals are on a path to build something and to project that future requires a solid foundation and investment. So when a person puts a lot of their cards on that projected future on hopes, dreams, and fallacy of another person and that foundation crumbles.

 

That is devastating. I mean you just knocked a person down 3 levels on the hierarchy of needs.

 

The self-actualization has been compromised

The self esteem has taken a hit.

The self of Love and belong is destroyed

 

Their sense of purpose has been ripped away and the dumper has found a new sense of purpose with another individual without the damage of their own needs. They have no loyalty nor empathy, do not take them back and just move forward with your life and find someone who is loyal and has empathy.

 

Very well said!!! I agree.

[elaine567]

Because nobody wants to be the bad person so they drag things on until it reaches a point where they act DRASTIC to end it. Damage control.

Also to keep having to explain their actions people will get downright nasty figuring nobobdy is going to ask questions on the face of being disrespected.

 

That is why it is never a good idea to keep questioning the dumper - why? why? why?

Because eventually they will tell you the brutal truth or they will make something horrible up just to get rid of you.

Better to just not know and move on, rather than to have your self esteem battered to a pulp when you find out the REAL reason they left.

 

They left, you grieve, then you pick yourself up and get on with your life without them.

I agree with Satu most dumpers are not bad people, they just did not find in you, a person they want to be with forever.

Dating is not about finding a person and sticking with them for life, it is about finding compatible people. If they do not find you compatible then you have to accept it would have never worked out well.

I know "bash the dumper" makes some feel better, but that is more about building up their own ego again, rather than having anything to do with the objective truth.

[SevenCity]

That is why it is never a good idea to keep questioning the dumper - why? why? why?

Because eventually they will tell you the brutal truth or they will make something horrible up just to get rid of you.

Better to just not know and move on, rather than to have your self esteem battered to a pulp when you find out the REAL reason they left.

 

They left, you grieve, then you pick yourself up and get on with your life without them.

I agree with Satu most dumpers are not bad people, they just did not find in you, a person they want to be with forever.

Dating is not about finding a person and sticking with them for life, it is about finding compatible people. If they do not find you compatible then you have to accept it would have never worked out well.

I know "bash the dumper" makes some feel better, but that is more about building up their own ego again, rather than having anything to do with the objective truth.

 

The last girl I dunped was a horrible selfish person. When it came time to end things I said "We have different needs and expectations and we should not see each other anymore".

 

There was no leading her on, no bashing of her ego. In my opinion, this is much more courteous than "It's not going to work right now", "Maybe we'll get back together", etc.

 

Dumping someone is not easy but there are ways to do it that don't lead a person on. This has nothing to do with dumper bashing. It has to do with having respect for people's feelings.

[GeorgeWP93]

So many truths in this thread and I've been thinking about this far too much recently, every single girl who has dumped me done at least one of the things on the list.

 

Two girls, completely and utterly lied about having feelings for an ex or not even an ex, just someone else when I started dating them, I always tell people they owe me nothing and that if they feel like they want to see where it goes then I am fine with that, I just want to know. Both straight up looked me in the eye, told me they were with me and coming home with me and both within a week or two were gone, luckily I was prepared and it wasn't exactly a shock but what is the need to lie to me?

 

Two other girls, the week before we're making all sorts of plans with me and never even mentioned any doubts or things they were unhappy about. I can't really remember the first in detail but the fresh one, sex was still great, she was still getting goosebumps when I touched her arm, she invited me to her parents house in France and we were talking about holidays in September, we went on a weekend away in Europe, even on that weekend she invited me to the house she was sitting the next weekend, making plans for the future and then the day after we get back, she texts me after being quiet all day saying that she's not happy and that she thinks I know that. I went down to see her, asked her since this weekend? She said she doesn't know. Since the start of the month when she was having a melt down and asked me to stick with her? She didn't know. I told her that is it not normal to feel more comfortable and less infatuated after six months, she said no so I got my stuff and left.

 

She's 27, had a 9 year relationship, maybe she didn't leave it long enough to heal, she never thanked me for anything, never wished me luck, never explained and two weeks later she's liking and unliking my instagram post about my demented grandad.

 

She didn't owe me anything but it was cruel, I feel betrayed, I feel like I will never relax in a relationship again. People will say they and she didn't owe me anything but I deserved the decency of a good explanation, maybe she could have communicated the issues she was thinking of so I could address them if they were solvable and I would have had an incline it was going wrong.

 

Me, personally if I'm dating someone and I'm not feeling it, I will tell them but I know if it's going to work very early on, they definitely won't be meeting my parents and I definitely won't be mentioning future plans. If I'm dating someone I like but it's not going to work long term then I will tell them I like seeing them but don't think it will work on a serious level and then it is up to them whether they want to see me casually or never again.

[SevenCity]

So many truths in this thread and I've been thinking about this far too much recently, every single girl who has dumped me done at least one of the things on the list.

 

Two girls, completely and utterly lied about having feelings for an ex or not even an ex, just someone else when I started dating them, I always tell people they owe me nothing and that if they feel like they want to see where it goes then I am fine with that, I just want to know. Both straight up looked me in the eye, told me they were with me and coming home with me and both within a week or two were gone, luckily I was prepared and it wasn't exactly a shock but what is the need to lie to me?

 

Two other girls, the week before we're making all sorts of plans with me and never even mentioned any doubts or things they were unhappy about. I can't really remember the first in detail but the fresh one, sex was still great, she was still getting goosebumps when I touched her arm, she invited me to her parents house in France and we were talking about holidays in September, we went on a weekend away in Europe, even on that weekend she invited me to the house she was sitting the next weekend, making plans for the future and then the day after we get back, she texts me after being quiet all day saying that she's not happy and that she thinks I know that. I went down to see her, asked her since this weekend? She said she doesn't know. Since the start of the month when she was having a melt down and asked me to stick with her? She didn't know. I told her that is it not normal to feel more comfortable and less infatuated after six months, she said no so I got my stuff and left.

 

She's 27, had a 9 year relationship, maybe she didn't leave it long enough to heal, she never thanked me for anything, never wished me luck, never explained and two weeks later she's liking and unliking my instagram post about my demented grandad.

 

She didn't owe me anything but it was cruel, I feel betrayed, I feel like I will never relax in a relationship again. People will say they and she didn't owe me anything but I deserved the decency of a good explanation, maybe she could have communicated the issues she was thinking of so I could address them if they were solvable and I would have had an incline it was going wrong.

 

Me, personally if I'm dating someone and I'm not feeling it, I will tell them but I know if it's going to work very early on, they definitely won't be meeting my parents and I definitely won't be mentioning future plans. If I'm dating someone I like but it's not going to work long term then I will tell them I like seeing them but don't think it will work on a serious level and then it is up to them whether they want to see me casually or never again.

 

Don't. Don't ever relax. Always realize that women will leave based on a feeling and you will likely not be aware of it.

[GeorgeWP93]

Don't. Don't ever relax. Always realize that women will leave based on a feeling and you will likely not be aware of it.

 

Exactly how I feel. But if this is the case, I don't want to be with anyone, I want my life as it is now and her life how it is now but to include me in it and her to be an addition to my life. No worries of cheating, no worries of what is she thinking, no mind games.

[Chi townD]

A lot of dumpers tend to want to make you out as the bad guy, because it makes it easier to leave. Very seldom does a breakup end well. There's always a degree of hurt.

 

and sometimes dumpers are intentionally cruel to stop you from wanting them back and hounding them.

[SevenCity]

Exactly how I feel. But if this is the case, I don't want to be with anyone, I want my life as it is now and her life how it is now but to include me in it and her to be an addition to my life. No worries of cheating, no worries of what is she thinking, no mind games.

 

My brother gave up on women and is happy as a result. I'm a glutton for punishment myself.

 

I truly wish I had no desire for women - life would be a lot easier.

[Sweetfish]

My brother gave up on women and is happy as a result. I'm a glutton for punishment myself.

 

I truly wish I had no desire for women - life would be a lot easier.

 

I know many women read these post and are perplexed.

 

 

 

 

 

No matter how many stats, data, proofs, examples you show that women in general are irrational and solely modulated on how they feel at the moment than the greater good they will continue to be unhappy. They refuse to see it.

 

Its a 1/4 million to raise a child now. Getting a divorce will cost him more. On top of that half your stuff will be taken and some states have lifetime alimony and pay for his own living as well.

 

No thanks.. good luck to the rest you guys though.

Edited February 7, 2017 by Sweetfish

[czanclus]

In my mind, the cruelest way to dump someone is to politely fade them out. Only the sickest, most vile of heartless narcissists, resort to this method - but as such, they practice it regularly, and without a shred of empathy.

 

When you dare call them on it, they label you a massive ball of chaos and a drama queen, and decide that as such, they were entirely in their right to never let you into their life in the first place.

 

They rely on their current target's sense of propriety and conscientiousness to make the process of fading out smooth and conflict free.

 

They recount their inappropriate acts as innocent human errors, and your consequent lapses in immaculate emotional self-possession as grotesque flaws of character.

 

They feel fully justified to engage in relationships with people they deem to be beneath them, and whom they are clearly hurting with their detachment, as they are convinced that the world owes them much worthier stream of specimens. Nonetheless, they still keep the current object as a placeholder for avoiding the inconvenience of conflict.

 

They love no one, in any capacity, but themselves. Without flinching, they mention parents in ill health and their impending death in the context of their projected inheritance.

 

They wallow in their self-pity, and oftentimes publicly cry foul game to other "narcissistic sociopaths" who happen to snatch a higher market value specimen than what they consistently get stuck with. They portray, fancy even, themselves as sensitive, nice, real, if a little dorky, guys whom these sorrowfully shallow (but attractive to knockouts lookswise) women keep overlooking for the hypnotic effect of the cocaine-paced lifestyle induced monetary endowments of the (other) sociopath predators. They'll even gently remind their current interest (replacable really by any manicured tight a$$ in the vicinity) on social media how Armani suits do not a worthy husband make. But all for social points and self-image promotion of course. No love or care to speak of.

 

STOP THE INSANITY, FADED COMPANIONS, I IMPLORE YOU. Do not suffer in silence. Let them know how much they hurt you, and do not give them the satisfaction of your better manners. They deserve no such disposition. Dump it all out instead, scream it in their disgusting face, psycho-drama label be dam*ed. There is no bridge that ever there existed to be spared of burning. And purging is good. The vomit is theirs to wipe off their sleazy back, not yours to reconcile as it festers inside your beautiful, humanly intestines.

 

I speak from experience for which I have all but zero regrets. They are so self-involved, they will barely even remember - in any articulate form anyway - what happened. "Some nasty woman, something... was really mean that one time... ooh, HeMan in pink tights cartoon on youtube! Toodles!"

Edited February 10, 2017 by czanclus