It's been over a year. Shouldn't I be over him by now?

[courtneykay]

Alright, sorry in advanced if I ramble on. I desperately need to vent.

 

It's been a year and two-ish months since I've been dumped, and I still am not over my past relationship, and it SUCKS. I dated him all throughout college, and I guess now looking back he was probably my "first love" which may be why it's so hard to get over him.

 

Essentially things were great for us while we were in college, and we were constantly talking about our future and spending our lives together. He got a job offer across the country, and of course, he took it. We did long distance for about 5 months, and then he broke up with me. He was right for breaking up with me, and throughout the year we have been apart, it's become more clear to me that I really took advantage of what I had, and now I've lost it and probably won't ever get it back.

 

I've done my best to move on. I cut contact, the only time we've reached out is wishing a happy birthday, and a few other random texts here and there to try to remain amicable. I've deleted him from all social media, except Facebook in which I just unfollowed him so I don't see him in my newsfeed. I should probably unfriend him entirely, but at the same time part of me wants him to see ME having the time of my life and moving on...even though I am obviously struggling. He has a new girlfriend now, which complicates it even more..I find myself checking his page from time to time to see if they're still together.

 

I've gone on lots of dates, hooked up with other guys, even got close to being in a new relationship myself, yet in the back of my mind and in my heart I think "he's not him." I am sure I am probably romanticizing our relationship, and only remembering the great parts of it...I just can't help myself from constantly hoping he'll wake up one day and realize he still wants me.

 

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. It's stupid that I am this caught up over someone who probably doesn't even think about me. I'm about to turn 22, I've just graduated from college and I have a great job that a lot of people my age would kill for...so why why why am I so unhappy? I feel pathetic.

 

I've tried to "work on myself." You know, exercising, eating healthy, reading, meditating, the whole shebang. Which has helped some...but when I'm really emotional I find myself going for the wine and snacking which is only making me feel worse about myself.

 

Any advice would be appreciated...I just hope this pain ends soon and I can finally get him out of my head.

[stillafool]

First loves are hard to get over so don't be too hard on yourself. You have to get back out there and continue to date. It would help if you would block his FB so you don't see updates about him and his new girl. It will also help to give up hope of getting back together because that will keep you stuck also. He has been gone a year, with another girl so it doesn't look like he's coming back. You are young, have a great job, friends, etc., so you have a lot going for you to make a fresh start. Make plans now with friends to do something exciting this summer. Just keep pushing on.

[Lostandconfused12]

I know this seems crazy. And you won't believe me. But one day someone is going to come into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with him. You'll look back on this post and laugh. A year is a long time and I think maybe we all will never forget our first loves. But you are 22. And have many more men to come into your life. One day you are going to find your last love. And it'll be you and him together forever. And you'll never have to question anything else. Love is all about taking risks and chances. When you first met your ex, you weren't expecting anything were you? You didn't think he would mean much. Men are from mars. He moved on. But I promise you, he still has that pain too. But sometimes love just isn't enough.

[im_derek2]

I am struggling with this myself, so bear with me.

 

I know I will think about my ex for a long time.

Maybe dating isn't the best thing for you.

 

Work on yourself, be happy with you, and it will ease some of the tough memories.

 

You're not ready to date someone else, until you're happy with yourself.

 

I tried to think about dating soon after my relationship and it wasn't constructive. Any girl I saw I compared immediately to my ex or I felt "guilty" that my ex wouldn't experience any affections.

 

I am working on myself and every single day is a struggle, but you don't need someone else to be happy. Sure that's a bonus, but first you have to be happy.

-set a goal for yourself at gym

 

Let's say your ex left you and it wasn't your fault. Maybe use that as a motivation--a chip on your shoulder--and inspiration to become a better version of you.

 

We can all improve, and no, life isn't fair, but we have to play with the cards that we are dealt, and it's up to you frame the situation positively.

 

I think about her everyday, and I am in no shape to date. I can work on myself though.

 

Good luck.

[mightycpa]

You are very young. For me, love appeared every 6 - 7 years or so. But I never looked for it. It only found me when I stopped looking.

 

You could be one of those people who fall in love at the drop of a hat. If that was you, you'd be in a perpetually happy/unhappy cycle.

 

Think how worthless love would be if you could count on a new one every couple of years.

 

Fuggedaboudit. Just enjoy your free time.

[courtneykay]

First loves are hard to get over so don't be too hard on yourself. You have to get back out there and continue to date. It would help if you would block his FB so you don't see updates about him and his new girl. It will also help to give up hope of getting back together because that will keep you stuck also. He has been gone a year, with another girl so it doesn't look like he's coming back. You are young, have a great job, friends, etc., so you have a lot going for you to make a fresh start. Make plans now with friends to do something exciting this summer. Just keep pushing on.

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I just have two different voices going on in my head, one that says take your time to heal, it was a huge heartbreak for you, and the other more critical voice that is judging myself for still being hung up on someone that has moved on.

 

I really think you're right...I've been wanting to travel so maybe this summer will be the perfect opportunity to.

 

I know this seems crazy. And you won't believe me. But one day someone is going to come into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with him. You'll look back on this post and laugh. A year is a long time and I think maybe we all will never forget our first loves. But you are 22. And have many more men to come into your life. One day you are going to find your last love. And it'll be you and him together forever. And you'll never have to question anything else. Love is all about taking risks and chances. When you first met your ex, you weren't expecting anything were you? You didn't think he would mean much. Men are from mars. He moved on. But I promise you, he still has that pain too. But sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

This is really great to hear, and something I need to keep reminding myself. When I think of my situation, I know I'm being silly because I am SO young and have so much life ahead of me and the chance to meet "Mr. Right" (hopefully!)

 

I am struggling with this myself, so bear with me.

 

I know I will think about my ex for a long time.

Maybe dating isn't the best thing for you.

 

Work on yourself, be happy with you, and it will ease some of the tough memories.

 

You're not ready to date someone else, until you're happy with yourself.

 

I tried to think about dating soon after my relationship and it wasn't constructive. Any girl I saw I compared immediately to my ex or I felt "guilty" that my ex wouldn't experience any affections.

 

I am working on myself and every single day is a struggle, but you don't need someone else to be happy. Sure that's a bonus, but first you have to be happy.

-set a goal for yourself at gym

 

Let's say your ex left you and it wasn't your fault. Maybe use that as a motivation--a chip on your shoulder--and inspiration to become a better version of you.

 

We can all improve, and no, life isn't fair, but we have to play with the cards that we are dealt, and it's up to you frame the situation positively.

 

I think about her everyday, and I am in no shape to date. I can work on myself though.

 

Good luck.

 

This is really great advice. I have been trying my best to "work on myself" but it definitely is harder at times to do so. When he first broke up with me, I was actively trying to find someone new, swiping through Tinder all the time, going on tons of dates, and while I think it did help me realize I CAN find someone else, I learned that is has been more helpful for me to be single.

 

The stage I am in right now, I am not actively pursuing anyone. I don't use dating apps, I'm not trying to find a guy every single time I go out with friends. And honestly, it is kind of a relief not to have that burden on me.

 

When I was out this weekend, I did meet a guy through my best friend, and exchanged numbers with him. I didn't go out of my way to impress him, just had genuine conversation with him, and I think that was helpful for me. Realizing, I can go to the bar and have interactions happen naturally, I don't NEED to have tons of online dating profiles or dedicate my night towards finding a cute guy. Will it lead to anything else? I'm not sure, but it has made me excited about dating for the first time in months.

 

You are very young. For me, love appeared every 6 - 7 years or so. But I never looked for it. It only found me when I stopped looking.

 

You could be one of those people who fall in love at the drop of a hat. If that was you, you'd be in a perpetually happy/unhappy cycle.

 

Think how worthless love would be if you could count on a new one every couple of years.

 

Fuggedaboudit. Just enjoy your free time.

 

That is such a good point...people always say that, that it will come to you when you stop looking. I think that is one of the biggest things I have learned out of this breakup.

 

Being single is fun, having that freedom and time to myself to do what makes ME happy - it's refreshing. Of course I will welcome love if it finds me and it's right, but I don't need to spend all my time looking for it.

 

Ha, typing all this out I feel like I sound like an entirely different person then when I first posted this thread. I think it just goes to show that it comes in waves, some days are easier than others.

[whatdeww18]

Hope you're having a much better day and that things do get better.

 

I just wanted to rehash some of the healing steps. I looked at your post after the break up and it's interesting that he broke up with you because of your anxiety and that you didn't talk about deep things.

 

Do you have anxiety? Did you take steps to address it? Have you done things that you can connect with people on a deeper level? It's about learning from the break up, not only mending the pain through dating and living the single life.

 

Maybe it's time to really introspect and figure out your identity, personality, and truly just understand yourself.

 

Of course, there's the fact that you really loved this person. You hold a special place for this person in your heart but learning from a break up keeps it at that. Sometimes, not tackling the problems with ourselves which lead to break ups makes us feel guilty and want the ex to appease it and fix it. This is where many people say to truly dig into yourself and do everything for yourself.

 

There may be a plethora of reasons why it's hard to get over this break up, but in any case, I just wish you happiness!

[czanclus]

If you truly love someone, I don't think it ever completely fades away. At least for me, there is an eternal underlying sadness behind the way life played out. Even for the two men that I loved and who utterly betrayed me, there's a whirlwind crater of embitterment and confusion... and disbelief that it had to be like that. But it *had* to be like that.

 

Youth is an advantage, but no stage to be trivialized. Try as best as you can to understand what happened, and how to see the signs of being meaningless to someone. Much better luck next time.

[MeadowFlower]

Try as best as you can to understand what happened, and how to see the signs of being meaningless to someone.

I like this "...how to see the signs of being meaningless to someone." Good advice. I should take that and actually use it. Note to self: Never let it happen again.

Who wants to be meaningless to someone..

[MeadowFlower]

To the OP, it's probably hard to but try not to think of him. And throw an atom bomb on that hope you have. Don't have any hope of him returning, not even the slightest at the back of your mind. Demolish it all and completely.

Run as fast as you can away from him (emotionally). And don't stop. Don't look back. Don't reserve ANY part of your heart, your life or your mind for him.