How do you know when is the right time to end a relationship?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I mean in situations where the feelings and spark is still there but you don't feel like the other person is treating you well.

 

Any logical pointers that help you make that decision?

[JFReyes]

I would talk about my feelings with the other person first, then decide the next step.

[Redhead14]

I mean in situations where the feelings and spark is still there but you don't feel like the other person is treating you well.

 

Any logical pointers that help you make that decision?

 

There really isn't enough information here, but generally, after you address the issues/concerns with the partner, you sit back for a bit to observe whether or not they make an effort to accommodate/address them. If the poor treatment continues/resurfaces time and again, you end the relationship.

 

If there is physical/mental/verbal abuse, you end it immediately.

[Gaeta]

I mean in situations where the feelings and spark is still there but you don't feel like the other person is treating you well.

 

Any logical pointers that help you make that decision?

 

If you don't feel you are treated well than it's not a relationship for you especially if you have had a discussion about it and nothing changed. There is no point having 3-4-5 discussions.

[NuevoYorko]

How is he mistreating you?

 

If you don't feel well treated, what's the point? If it's concrete things that he could fix (like bringing you flowers more, or listening to you when you have something on your mind) it's worth talking about.

[Miss Peach]

I recently went through this in my relationship. I agree with the others that there's no point in having multiple conversations. My guy friends just call that nagging and they tune it out.

 

In mine my BF started to take me for granted and plan other things over our dates. I'm not sure if I want to stay in the relationship still because I just don't trust him yet to be a good BF but I'm not quite at the point of leaving (though I am close).

 

I picked a time we were talking and told him there was something I wanted to talk to him about and asked if he wanted to talk about it now. I am a big fan of Dr. Pay Allen and she always says you have to make an appointment with a guy so they hear you.

 

I told him that I'm happy he has a lot of friends and I don't want to keep him from seeing them, but that when he makes plans with me and then makes plans with them for the same night, I feel it's disrespectful and rude. I go on to say my free time is really important to me and I don't have a lot of it so I have to manage it and plan to be able to fit what's important to me in it. I then told him if I can't trust him to keep plans then he will get lower priority in my planning.

 

My BF tested me the next week and cancelled on me to go to a meetup. He tried to make last minute plans with me a few days later and I told him I was busy but he was welcome to join. He tried to come over after my plans but I turned him down and told him I was tired. He tried to ask me for the next day and I told him I had plans again and a little about what it was but this time I didn't invite him along.

 

After this happened a few times he has been asking for time ahead of time, calling me daily again, and prioritizing me again. I don't know for how long he'll keep this up which is why I'm not comfy yet. I am continuing to live my life and if he fits in then great. I am being careful not to make him a priority until he earns back my trust.

 

But he is on thin ice and if he does it again, then he is gone.

 

I went through something similar with my ex (he kept acting up in the same manner and it was very hurtful to me and felt manipulative) so after a few talks, when he couldn't accept responsibility and articulate what would change I left him. (This was a longer relationship and that was the only way he mistreated me so I let it slide a bit more but I wasn't going to accept just an apology and no insight on what was wrong and how it will change).

Edited January 27, 2017 by Miss Peach

[Eternal Sunshine]

I find it easy to walk away when feelings are not involved. This is the case when feelings are there on both sides but the relationship is simply not meeting my needs.

 

6 months in. This guy lied about being separated where is actually is in the middle of the divorce process but not actually divorced. I initially chose to work through the lie but luster wore off a bit from the relationship.

 

He has recently became really flaky with plans even though he also did some things that moved our relationship forward (I met his kids last week). I don't believe that he is flaky because he is losing interest, more that that's the part of his personality that he is now showing because I am seeing the "real him".

 

I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like. I often find myself alone on the weekends because of his unsorted child caring arrangements.

 

He has some sexual issues that he is working on but it still doesn't change the fact that I am unfulfilled in that area.

 

There is lots of divorce related drama that is very stressful and draining to me. His finances are in a bad state due to divorce (despite his well paying job) so he almost never has money to go out on dates.

 

I do believe he is basically a well intentioned and good hearted guy and will be a good catch once he sorts his life out. This may take 1-2 years though (realistically). It's hard for me to hang in there in the hope of better future. I feel that the situation is a great deal for him but involves a lot of sacrifice on my part. And then when there are simple things he can control (like not flaking on plans) and he doesn't, I am starting to feel really resentful.

 

He is currently away for work but once he is back, I plan to sit him down and end it in person. I know it's not something he wants and will try to talk me out of it. I don't want things to turn nasty and want to stay friends with initial period of NC.

 

I need some advice on the best way to do it and not go back if I start to feel lonely (which I inevitably will).

[SunnySide0418]

I find it easy to walk away when feelings are not involved. This is the case when feelings are there on both sides but the relationship is simply not meeting my needs.

 

6 months in. This guy lied about being separated where is actually is in the middle of the divorce process but not actually divorced. I initially chose to work through the lie but luster wore off a bit from the relationship.

 

He has recently became really flaky with plans even though he also did some things that moved our relationship forward (I met his kids last week). I don't believe that he is flaky because he is losing interest, more that that's the part of his personality that he is now showing because I am seeing the "real him".

 

I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like. I often find myself alone on the weekends because of his unsorted child caring arrangements.

 

He has some sexual issues that he is working on but it still doesn't change the fact that I am unfulfilled in that area.

 

There is lots of divorce related drama that is very stressful and draining to me. His finances are in a bad state due to divorce (despite his well paying job) so he almost never has money to go out on dates.

 

I do believe he is basically a well intentioned and good hearted guy and will be a good catch once he sorts his life out. This may take 1-2 years though (realistically). It's hard for me to hang in there in the hope of better future. I feel that the situation is a great deal for him but involves a lot of sacrifice on my part. And then when there are simple things he can control (like not flaking on plans) and he doesn't, I am starting to feel really resentful.

 

He is currently away for work but once he is back, I plan to sit him down and end it in person. I know it's not something he wants and will try to talk me out of it. I don't want things to turn nasty and want to stay friends with initial period of NC.

 

I need some advice on the best way to do it and not go back if I start to feel lonely (which I inevitably will).

 

Rin don't walk. This is the worst time to get involved with someone. If you feel lonely read this post. Find someone else to keep you from feeling lonely.

[GeorgeWP93]

It depends what you're willing to put up with.

 

I've seen women who are supposedly in happy relationships but their boyfriends display some really disrespectful things towards them and I stand back and watch and I can see it makes her uncomfortable.

 

Like overly touchy and flirty with other women in front of his girlfriend, it might be innocent but it's disrespectful. Lying over things they don't need to lie over. Speaking to her without any regards for her feelings. Making her feel insecure for something ridiculous like going to the toilet.

 

Some girls put up with it and are supposedly happy, I have no idea how though.

 

It all depends on your tolerance and your partner in my opinion but ALWAYS discuss it first, let him know what upsets you, give him a chance to sort himself out because he may not realise he's doing it.

[Sweetfish]

Run and dont look back.

[todreaminblue]

concerns need to be discussed because concerns tend to snowball as you become sensitive to other things going on.... you might not be so sensitive if you are upfront as soon as you feel something negatively impacting on you... get it out....discuss.... deal.decide.....compromise .....observe changes....pretty clinical....but necessary.....deb

[preraph]

Tell him when you looked at what were the biggest issues in the relationship from your point of view, that it was his ongoing divorce and negotiations and family obligations and confusion and that, therefore, you think the best chance at making something work between the two of you is to take this break now until his divorce is final, all his child custody and court dates, etc. are worked out, and he is settled into his new life and custody schedule, and then once he's got it all settled, come talk to you and tell you his schedule and his priorities and see if there is room in his life for you or if you still feel it isn't solid enough.

[BC1980]

I think a good rule is not to get involved with someone who is separated. It just seems to cause all sorts of problems, and a lot of people going through a divorce seem to have unresolved emotional issues. Also, he lied to you about his divorce. Did he tell you he was already divorced?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think a good rule is not to get involved with someone who is separated. It just seems to cause all sorts of problems, and a lot of people going through a divorce seem to have unresolved emotional issues. Also, he lied to you about his divorce. Did he tell you he was already divorced?

 

Yes he did. Once I found out, I was already a little attached. I generally don't get involved with anyone separated. There are residual trust issues from that lie. I also have a strong feeling he is still not fully over his ex/marriage.

[Eternal Sunshine]

concerns need to be discussed because concerns tend to snowball as you become sensitive to other things going on.... you might not be so sensitive if you are upfront as soon as you feel something negatively impacting on you... get it out....discuss.... deal.decide.....compromise .....observe changes....pretty clinical....but necessary.....deb

 

Whenever I tried to bring up concerns, his responses would be: I am sorry, I will do better, I know this is hard for you but I really do love you and we have an amazing future ahead. Then...nothing changes. He is great with words and promises but not so much with follow through. This is when I asked for simple changes, entirely feasible even given the current situation.

 

At this point, talking has failed.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It depends what you're willing to put up with.

 

I've seen women who are supposedly in happy relationships but their boyfriends display some really disrespectful things towards them and I stand back and watch and I can see it makes her uncomfortable.

 

Like overly touchy and flirty with other women in front of his girlfriend, it might be innocent but it's disrespectful. Lying over things they don't need to lie over. Speaking to her without any regards for her feelings. Making her feel insecure for something ridiculous like going to the toilet.

 

Some girls put up with it and are supposedly happy, I have no idea how though.

 

It all depends on your tolerance and your partner in my opinion but ALWAYS discuss it first, let him know what upsets you, give him a chance to sort himself out because he may not realise he's doing it.

 

Yes I have seen that too. I am a long term single so I tend to question if my tolerance levels are too low and second guess myself. But then again, I prefer being single to being in a relationship I am unhappy in.

[Mr Scorpio]

I need some advice on the best way to do it and not go back if I start to feel lonely (which I inevitably will).

 

I would go with a logical argument.

 

You need X-Y-Z to be happy in the relationship. Some of those things he cannot provide for reasons beyond his immediate control (financial issues, sexual inadequacy). His intentions cannot negate those failures. Other things he has simply failed to provide -- six months in -- even after you raised the issues.

 

If he says he'll change you refute it by noting he has already said that. If he says he is serious now you say "why now?". He replies with something about not wanting to lose you. Then you cite the flakiness and the odds that once the luster wears off he'll be right back to where he was. Then he says "trust me it'll be different this time". You respond by saying that you wish you could but... divorce lie.

 

Then you add that you don't want to have to carry someone else's weight in the relationship (potentially relevant depending on what changes you asked for). Then you add that you shouldn't have to ask for changes in a relationship and that you feel guilty over your occasional resentment of him for things that he can't control.

 

You want a relationship with someone who either doesn't require change or who pleases you enough that you can look past the flaws. He isn't either. It isn't "fair" for him to be in a relationship with an unhappy and occasionally resentful partner. It isn't "fair" to you to have to compromise in that area of your life when you've striven to achieve in other areas and you can in this one as well.

 

That oughta do...

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would go with a logical argument.

 

You need X-Y-Z to be happy in the relationship. Some of those things he cannot provide for reasons beyond his immediate control (financial issues, sexual inadequacy). His intentions cannot negate those failures. Other things he has simply failed to provide -- six months in -- even after you raised the issues.

 

If he says he'll change you refute it by noting he has already said that. If he says he is serious now you say "why now?". He replies with something about not wanting to lose you. Then you cite the flakiness and the odds that once the luster wears off he'll be right back to where he was. Then he says "trust me it'll be different this time". You respond by saying that you wish you could but... divorce lie.

 

Then you add that you don't want to have to carry someone else's weight in the relationship (potentially relevant depending on what changes you asked for). Then you add that you shouldn't have to ask for changes in a relationship and that you feel guilty over your occasional resentment of him for things that he can't control.

 

You want a relationship with someone who either doesn't require change or who pleases you enough that you can look past the flaws. He isn't either. It isn't "fair" for him to be in a relationship with an unhappy and occasionally resentful partner. It isn't "fair" to you to have to compromise in that area of your life when you've striven to achieve in other areas and you can in this one as well.

 

That oughta do...

 

Thanks. This is perfect.

 

Our previous arguments tend to be emotional in the sense that his respones were always: "I am sorry, you are totally right, I screwed up. I screw everything up. I am an idiot. I need to change. My intentions are good and I love you very much" and so on and then he sends me flowers or gifts (that he has to go in debt for). It was cute the first time around but not so much anymore.

 

What I am looking for is: "I did X because of Y. In the future X won't happen because I will do Z." Concrete, logical reasoning and consistent action. Empty words do nothing for me.

 

Not looking forward to that discussion but I need to be firm and I do owe him the curteousy of doing it in person.

[JuneL]

I find it easy to walk away when feelings are not involved. This is the case when feelings are there on both sides but the relationship is simply not meeting my needs.

 

6 months in. This guy lied about being separated where is actually is in the middle of the divorce process but not actually divorced. I initially chose to work through the lie but luster wore off a bit from the relationship.

 

He has recently became really flaky with plans even though he also did some things that moved our relationship forward (I met his kids last week). I don't believe that he is flaky because he is losing interest, more that that's the part of his personality that he is now showing because I am seeing the "real him".

 

I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like. I often find myself alone on the weekends because of his unsorted child caring arrangements.

 

He has some sexual issues that he is working on but it still doesn't change the fact that I am unfulfilled in that area.

 

There is lots of divorce related drama that is very stressful and draining to me. His finances are in a bad state due to divorce (despite his well paying job) so he almost never has money to go out on dates.

 

I do believe he is basically a well intentioned and good hearted guy and will be a good catch once he sorts his life out. This may take 1-2 years though (realistically). It's hard for me to hang in there in the hope of better future. I feel that the situation is a great deal for him but involves a lot of sacrifice on my part. And then when there are simple things he can control (like not flaking on plans) and he doesn't, I am starting to feel really resentful.

 

He is currently away for work but once he is back, I plan to sit him down and end it in person. I know it's not something he wants and will try to talk me out of it. I don't want things to turn nasty and want to stay friends with initial period of NC.

 

I need some advice on the best way to do it and not go back if I start to feel lonely (which I inevitably will).

 

I'm surprised that he would even get into a serious relationship with a woman before his mess gets sorted out.

[amaysngrace]

I end the relationship when it's more effort than it's worth.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm surprised that he would even get into a serious relationship with a woman before his mess gets sorted out.

 

Same here. Why would you add additional stress of a new relationship to all that? But he is a sweet talker so would say things like "I was never looking for a relationship. I didn't expect to fall in love and now I am unable to let go".....

 

I am still waiting for him to come back from an overseas work trip to end it. Today he sends me a message along the lines "Do you mind if we celebrate V day on the weekend I get back? I was going to send you some flowers for tomorrow but would rather do it in person. I want to hug you and kiss you properly."

 

More lies. The reality is, as I have recently discovered, he is in so much debt (due to giving in to his soon to be ex-w irrational demands for money and refusing to get proper legal help - and this is man that makes well into 6 figures) that he has started to max out all his credit cards. He is literally living pay check to pay check. He likely found that he can't afford to send me flowers online as they are rarely under $100 in AU so he plans to buy a bunch for $10 in a convenience store when he is back. Blatant lying actually bothers me more than the financial situation.

 

I actually feel sorry for him. I tried to help and get him to find a lawyer and fight but one crying phone call from ex-w about how he ruined her and the kids life and we are back to square one. Not my battle to fight.

[mightycpa]

I mean in situations where the feelings and spark is still there but you don't feel like the other person is treating you well.

 

Any logical pointers that help you make that decision?

Try and get it fixed three times. Make sure one of those times is a formal sit down meeting to discuss and resolve. After that, if it keeps happening, you're pretty clear the other person is not listening.

 

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink and all that.

[JuneL]

I feel bad for both of you. I get that he loves the company of a lovely woman; but like you mentioned previously, he has issue even in that area (in additional to the big mess of his pending divorce), I just don't see much he can get out of dating someone seriously at this point.

 

Do you have to pay for most of your dates out, considering his current financial situation?

 

Same here. Why would you add additional stress of a new relationship to all that? But he is a sweet talker so would say things like "I was never looking for a relationship. I didn't expect to fall in love and now I am unable to let go".....

 

I am still waiting for him to come back from an overseas work trip to end it. Today he sends me a message along the lines "Do you mind if we celebrate V day on the weekend I get back? I was going to send you some flowers for tomorrow but would rather do it in person. I want to hug you and kiss you properly."

 

More lies. The reality is, as I have recently discovered, he is in so much debt (due to giving in to his soon to be ex-w irrational demands for money and refusing to get proper legal help - and this is man that makes well into 6 figures) that he has started to max out all his credit cards. He is literally living pay check to pay check. He likely found that he can't afford to send me flowers online as they are rarely under $100 in AU so he plans to buy a bunch for $10 in a convenience store when he is back. Blatant lying actually bothers me more than the financial situation.

 

I actually feel sorry for him. I tried to help and get him to find a lawyer and fight but one crying phone call from ex-w about how he ruined her and the kids life and we are back to square one. Not my battle to fight.

[BC1980]

Same here. Why would you add additional stress of a new relationship to all that? But he is a sweet talker so would say things like "I was never looking for a relationship. I didn't expect to fall in love and now I am unable to let go".....

 

I am still waiting for him to come back from an overseas work trip to end it. Today he sends me a message along the lines "Do you mind if we celebrate V day on the weekend I get back? I was going to send you some flowers for tomorrow but would rather do it in person. I want to hug you and kiss you properly."

 

More lies. The reality is, as I have recently discovered, he is in so much debt (due to giving in to his soon to be ex-w irrational demands for money and refusing to get proper legal help - and this is man that makes well into 6 figures) that he has started to max out all his credit cards. He is literally living pay check to pay check. He likely found that he can't afford to send me flowers online as they are rarely under $100 in AU so he plans to buy a bunch for $10 in a convenience store when he is back. Blatant lying actually bothers me more than the financial situation.

 

I actually feel sorry for him. I tried to help and get him to find a lawyer and fight but one crying phone call from ex-w about how he ruined her and the kids life and we are back to square one. Not my battle to fight.

 

Financial problems are always a red flag in my book because they say a lot about a person and can lead to big problems down the road. You're right. His divorce is not your battle to fight.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel bad for both of you. I get that he loves the company of a lovely woman; but like you mentioned previously, he has issue even in that area (in additional to the big mess of his pending divorce), I just don't see much he can get out of dating someone seriously at this point.

 

Do you have to pay for most of your dates out, considering his current financial situation?

 

No, one thing he never asked me for is money of any kind. At the start of our relationship, he took me to expensive dinners out, bought concert tickets and flowers all the time. For my birthday, he bought an expensive French champagne to celebrate it. I suspect this contributed to getting him deeper into debt (although I had no idea at the time). He claims that's the lifestyle he lived pre-divorce so it's hard to adjust to the lack of money.

 

Once he started to max out his cards, we started eating at cheaper places and we would go Dutch. Then we started cooking and eating at home (each would pay for ingredients depending on whose place we were at) and doing free stuff, like free concerts, picnics and going camping. It's relatively easy to find free dates.

 

I do suspect that one day, once he sorts this all out, he will make a great partner to someone. It just sucks that I had the bad luck to meet him at the worst possible time. I also know that breaking up with him now and/or putting things on hold would end things permanently. I am the type that doesn't really hold torches and closes that emotional door relatively quickly. Once that's done, I can't see myself ever reopening it again. I was never able to in the past.

Edited February 13, 2017 by Eternal Sunshine