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Start over as friends?


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Hi everyone, just looking for support. What do you guys think about starting over a failing relationship as friends?

 

My boyfriend "broke up" with me after two years because we have been arguing a lot lately. We also have some unresolved trust issues... he rarely wanted to talk about them, so they kept resurfacing.

 

I say "broke up" because he didn't flat out end things. In fact he said he didn't want to break up and he didn't want to see other people, but that he wanted to start over as friends. He said by starting over as friends, we can take the pressure off and REALLY get to know each other and that is how we will resolve our issue. He says it is the only chance we have for our relationship to get better.

 

Another reason he wanted to take a step back and be friends is because he is getting his life back together. Last year was really rough for him financially and he is going through a custody battle. He said he couldn't take the pressure of being in a relationship along with everything else.

 

I entertained the idea, and I WANT to be there for him, I love him. I love his kids, too, so it's very hard for me to just walk away.

 

But I also know that going from girlfriend to friend is a slippery slope. To me, if you really want to be with somebody, you don't need to break things off or downgrade the person to work on things. It also feels like it's his way of saying he wants out, without the risk of losing me .

 

I ended up telling him that we need to take some time apart first before I can even try to be friends with him. I really wanted to keep trying and work things out, but it feels like I'm just being dumped. In retrospect, he hasn't been treating well at all the past few months and I need to heal and reconsider if I even still want him in my life.

 

I made the right decision, right? I feel pathetic even just asking that. Of all the timing, he did this two days before my birthday...

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He makes no sense.

 

He doesn't want to break up, yet he wants to be start over as friends with no pressure. What does that mean, exactly? See each other but no intimate relations? No longer considered boyfriend-girlfriend? See each other less but still consider yourselves a couple?

 

I'm also not clear on how doing this will resolve the issues between you. There is a difference between taking some time to cool off after an argument, and asking to just be friends. What type of trust issues were you two having?

 

There is too much grey area here, as it stands.

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Yes, you did the right thing. This is a "soft dump". He's decided it's over, but rather than dumping you, he's letting you down gently. Either he's trying to save your feelings, or he's trying to keep you on the back burner while he explores other options, or he wants to be single and play the field but have FWB to fall back on.

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He makes no sense.

 

He doesn't want to break up, yet he wants to be start over as friends with no pressure. What does that mean, exactly? See each other but no intimate relations? No longer considered boyfriend-girlfriend? See each other less but still consider yourselves a couple?

 

I'm also not clear on how doing this will resolve the issues between you. There is a difference between taking some time to cool off after an argument, and asking to just be friends. What type of trust issues were you two having?

 

There is too much grey area here, as it stands.

 

It doesn't make sense to me either. And no, he actually said see each other MORE.

 

The thing is we started out as friends before we became a couple. He said he wants to get that back and when we have that back then we can solve our issues. Because we'll have that foundation again. I kinda get what he means, but also not really. He said it's too much pressure right now.

 

Trust issues because we've been fighting a lot lately. I couldn't trust him to be there for me, I couldn't trust his word, things like that.

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Yes, you did the right thing. This is a "soft dump". He's decided it's over, but rather than dumping you, he's letting you down gently. Either he's trying to save your feelings, or he's trying to keep you on the back burner while he explores other options, or he wants to be single and play the field but have FWB to fall back on.

 

This is what I am afraid of. I don't think he's trying to spare my feelings, because he's been brutally honest (albeit unclear) about things. I also don't think he wants to play the field. I asked, he said no, he has enough to deal with right now and if wanted to be with anyone, it would be with me.

 

But I definitely don't want to be a FWB and I can see it going there.

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He also said that this is his way of saving what we have and to avoid breaking up. I don't know what that means. When I asked, he said the same thing about taking the pressure off of the relationship.

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Wow, he's really talking a load of old rubbish isn't he. none of it makes sense.

 

Personally I would just tell him to start making sense ASAP otherwise you walk.

 

And if he comes out with more of the same... which he most likely will... then walk.

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It doesn't make sense to me either. And no, he actually said see each other MORE.

 

The thing is we started out as friends before we became a couple. He said he wants to get that back and when we have that back then we can solve our issues. Because we'll have that foundation again. I kinda get what he means, but also not really. He said it's too much pressure right now.

 

Trust issues because we've been fighting a lot lately. I couldn't trust him to be there for me, I couldn't trust his word, things like that.

 

So...what the heck is the point of this "going back to being friends"? I realize you don't know either, but he really is talking gibberish.

 

Does he not want you to be his girlfriend? I don't understand how seeing each other more will alleviate the pressure he is feeling.

 

But I have to wonder - if you can't trust him to be there for you and you can't trust his word...is this really all worth it?

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It wont work. He can't put you on a leash with your feelings for him. Tell him that 'just friends,' wont work for you and he can give you a call when he feels his life is in a better place.

 

Then move on completely without waiting or looking back. Don't accept scraps from someone elses table. If he doesn't want to be with you when his life gets challenging, maybe hes not for you.

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Trying to be friends with him is just going to keep you from dating or being able to keep a new man. I'd be very suspicious that he still had feelings for his ex if he's saying he doesn't want to date "other" people.

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You know what? The "broke up lately" part is the only real issue I see. It's real hard to go backwards.

 

I'd say vanish for a year or two, then see if you want to start over as friends.

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It wont work. He can't put you on a leash with your feelings for him. Tell him that 'just friends,' wont work for you and he can give you a call when he feels his life is in a better place.

 

Then move on completely without waiting or looking back. Don't accept scraps from someone elses table. If he doesn't want to be with you when his life gets challenging, maybe hes not for you.

 

This is what doesn't make sense to me. He says him wanting to start over and take a step back means he DOES want to be with me, that it's the only way he knows how to save what we have.

 

It honestly sounds like an excuse to still have me around because things are so hard for him right now versus having a clean break.

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The bottom line right now is that he does not want a romantic relationship with you. You can't go backwards unless you both spend a long time completely away from each other (no contact at all) and let the feelings and caring of a romantic relationship fade away. It's the only way, then maybe you two could be friends. It doesn't work the way he is proposing. You either stay together in a romantic relationship and work on any issues or you don't. It is that cut and dry because emotions and feelings are involved. This isn't a business agreement. He may like to have things work the way he wants them to, but they will not work for you. You two have a romantic history now. Everything changed from friends. Can't just flip a switch and go back to the way it was. He's either still in an exclusive romantic relationship with or he's not. If he's not, then wish him the best and tell him you can't "just' be friends. That wont work for you.

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Trying to be friends with him is just going to keep you from dating or being able to keep a new man. I'd be very suspicious that he still had feelings for his ex if he's saying he doesn't want to date "other" people.

 

No, his ex pretty much made life a living hell for him. They broke up a long time ago (no formal custody agreement until now). No feelings there.

 

He said he didn't want to date other people when I asked if he would be dating while we were friends, because to me that's what people say when want to act single again without the breakup.

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The bottom line right now is that he does not want a romantic relationship with you. You can't go backwards unless you both spend a long time completely away from each other (no contact at all) and let the feelings and caring of a romantic relationship fade away. It's the only way, then maybe you two could be friends. It doesn't work the way he is proposing. You either stay together in a romantic relationship and work on any issues or you don't. It is that cut and dry because emotions and feelings are involved. This isn't a business agreement. He may like to have things work the way he wants them to, but they will not work for you. You two have a romantic history now. Everything changed from friends. Can't just flip a switch and go back to the way it was. He's either still in an exclusive romantic relationship with or he's not. If he's not, then wish him the best and tell him you can't "just' be friends. That wont work for you.

 

I agree with all of this and it makes me feel better, thank you. I even said parts of this to him when I gave him my decision.

 

What confuses me is that he says he DOES want a romantic relationship, he wants to get back what we had in the beginning when we weren't fighting and there was so much love between us. Like you said, and what I told him, it doesn't work that way. He said he didn't know any other way to proceed.

 

So I said, since he can't make a decision and doesn't want to work things out as a couple, I need some time apart and maybe we can try starting over as friends after we've both had some time to ourselves and figure out where we both went wrong.

 

I do feel bad though. I feel like I am leaving him when his life is in shambles, when he needs me the most, but I also feel like he left me no choice.

 

You said a "long time"... how long do you think that is? I know you can't really put a deadline on it, just wondering because I have never been in this position before.

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I agree with all of this and it makes me feel better, thank you. I even said parts of this to him when I gave him my decision.

 

What confuses me is that he says he DOES want a romantic relationship, he wants to get back what we had in the beginning when we weren't fighting and there was so much love between us. Like you said, and what I told him, it doesn't work that way. He said he didn't know any other way to proceed.

 

So I said, since he can't make a decision and doesn't want to work things out as a couple, I need some time apart and maybe we can try starting over as friends after we've both had some time to ourselves and figure out where we both went wrong.

 

I do feel bad though. I feel like I am leaving him when his life is in shambles, when he needs me the most, but I also feel like he left me no choice.

 

You said a "long time"... how long do you think that is? I know you can't really put a deadline on it, just wondering because I have never been in this position before.

 

Yep, can't put a time frame on it but I could guess at least a year of total NC might get you there or close. I hate to be a downer, but I truly feel that once in a romantic relationship, there is no being good friends even after a year. Maybe acquaintances where you say happy birthday and merry Christmas and maybe talk once in a while, but no real loving and caring or involvement in each others life on a regular basis. I'm sorry you're in this spot, but he is asking for something that will not work and you are not in the wrong to hold your ground and end this. It sounds like he really doesn't want the commitment to you but wants you to be there for him but he can do as he pleases because you two will no longer be in a committed romantic relationship. He wants you on his terms so he wont get stressed? BS or selfish, take your pick.

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He decided he didn't need you when his life is in shambles. That's kind of telling isn't it? I think it's good to think about how you would handle things if you were him. I doubt you'd want to break up. No one breaks up with a person unless they truly don't value the person.

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He decided he didn't need you when his life is in shambles. That's kind of telling isn't it? I think it's good to think about how you would handle things if you were him. I doubt you'd want to break up. No one breaks up with a person unless they truly don't value the person.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

OP, he doesn't want your help or support right now. You don't need to feel bad about leaving when he's essentially already asked you to leave.

 

Are you still officially a couple? If not, I would take plenty of time and space away from him. He doesn't get to have it both ways, sorry.

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This is what doesn't make sense to me. He says him wanting to start over and take a step back means he DOES want to be with me, that it's the only way he knows how to save what we have.

 

It honestly sounds like an excuse to still have me around because things are so hard for him right now versus having a clean break.

 

These are his terms, if you're not happy with his terms then you must back away. We can't live life by someone elses song and dance.

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Another reason he wanted to take a step back and be friends is because he is getting his life back together. Last year was really rough for him financially and he is going through a custody battle. He said he couldn't take the pressure of being in a relationship along with everything else.

 

A life back without you in it...

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A life back without you in it...

 

I don't know what this means. Like I said, being without me is the opposite of what he wants.

 

At the end of the day, like the from heart said, these are his terms and I am not okay with that.

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He decided he didn't need you when his life is in shambles. That's kind of telling isn't it? I think it's good to think about how you would handle things if you were him. I doubt you'd want to break up. No one breaks up with a person unless they truly don't value the person.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

OP, he doesn't want your help or support right now. You don't need to feel bad about leaving when he's essentially already asked you to leave.

 

Are you still officially a couple? If not, I would take plenty of time and space away from him. He doesn't get to have it both ways, sorry.

 

 

No, according to him, he does need me and needs my support while he's going through one of the toughest times of his life. That's one of the reasons he didn't want to break up. He is not asking me to leave, he is asking me to stay. (He's also very frank about things, so if he wanted me to leave he would just say so.) I can easily see that being a one-sided type of thing though and it's not something I want to put myself through.

 

Bold -- I'm not sure, to be honest. I have never been in financial trouble, and I don't have kids nor have I ever been through a custody battle. I do know the toll it can take on people, so, I can't really say what I would do.

 

Plus, I can see how breaking up would be an option even if you truly love and value the person. Such as in situations where you can't give your all to your SO because of everything that you are going through or because your life is no longer conducive to a relationship and it's not fair to your him/her. Kind of like, you love them enough to let them go type of situation, or you want to be a better person for him/her before taking the next step in your relationship.

 

Having sad that, that's not what he's doing. So I guess it's a moot point.

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Expat: forgot to answer your question. I don't know if we are an official couple still. I don't know if or why it matters at this point, but I would say no. I said in an earlier post that I had already told him that I can't do the whole friends thing and need some time apart.

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Expat: forgot to answer your question. I don't know if we are an official couple still. I don't know if or why it matters at this point, but I would say no. I said in an earlier post that I had already told him that I can't do the whole friends thing and need some time apart.

 

 

How did he respond to this?

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No, according to him, he does need me and needs my support while he's going through one of the toughest times of his life. That's one of the reasons he didn't want to break up. He is not asking me to leave, he is asking me to stay. (He's also very frank about things, so if he wanted me to leave he would just say so.) I can easily see that being a one-sided type of thing though and it's not something I want to put myself through.

 

Bold -- I'm not sure, to be honest. I have never been in financial trouble, and I don't have kids nor have I ever been through a custody battle. I do know the toll it can take on people, so, I can't really say what I would do.

 

Plus, I can see how breaking up would be an option even if you truly love and value the person. Such as in situations where you can't give your all to your SO because of everything that you are going through or because your life is no longer conducive to a relationship and it's not fair to your him/her. Kind of like, you love them enough to let them go type of situation, or you want to be a better person for him/her before taking the next step in your relationship.

 

Having sad that, that's not what he's doing. So I guess it's a moot point.

 

He wants you around on his own terms, but you don't agree on the terms. You want a relationship, and he does not. He wants you around for support but does not want to go full in and commit to an actual relationship. If those terms aren't met, he is fine with letting you go completely. That is the long and short of it. I think you have pretty much realized that's a crummy deal for you and aren't accepting those terms. Which is good. It means you value yourself more than getting into a "friendship" with him. If you've dated for 2 years, it's all or nothing at this point. You can't go back and "start over" or be friends.

 

I don't think anyone breaks up with a person they truly want to be with. The risk of permanently losing the person would be too great. I'm sure you could find one person who defies those norms, but that person would be an outlier. Not the rule. If you want to commit to someone, you will find a way to do it. Life won't get too busy or not conducive to a relationship.

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