feeling guilty but I didn't do the dumping

[pepperberskis]

I'm 27, ex is 26 (for context) - together for ~3yrs

 

We broke up about two weeks ago because we weren't on the same page with our needs. Semantics plays a huge part in this.

 

The breakup took about 3 days and in the end was mutual, but it started with him wanting to break up because I saw texts between him and someone I thought was my friend, planning a date. He admitted it as being emotional cheating.

 

On day 1 he said that he just had a 'gut feeling' about how he didn't think the relationship was working, and that me reading his incriminating messages to this girl ~crystalized~ whatever that 'feeling' was. He never explicitly said that he didn't love me anymore. He said "I have a feeling that this won't work." I tried to convince him that we should work it out, and I did the whole lose-your-dignity-out-of-desperation bit where I was sobbing and begging and pleading and embarrassing myself by being pathetic. After going in circles of me begging and him saying no, he finally got fed up and went to a friend's house and didn't come back until the next day.

 

Day 2 he made me breakfast (btw food loses all luster after a heartbreak!) and then asked how I was doing, only to lead up to him saying that he knew for sure that he didn't want to be together. This time, he said that it was because I was controlling. I asked for his definition of controlling, because I consider myself pretty self aware and this word has such a negative connotation that I was scared of being associated with it.

 

He explained that he didn't like that I would ask him about his plans for the day/make plans to spend time with him; he didn't like that I would get upset when he wouldn't communicate with me (((Example: on NYE we went to a party but I left early. I was the DD so I said I could pick him up whenever he was done partying. at around 4 when the type of parties we go to are usually over, I texted to let him know I couldn't sleep bc I had a 5 hr energy, and if the party was still going on, I could come back and chill and then we could go back home whenever. He only said "sorry you can't sleep" and didn't let me know if he needed to be picked up. So I laid back in bed and dozed off for a second, and when I woke up again it was 7am. Still no text or call, and I was a little worried so I called him. As it turns out, he was laying on a bed with the girl he emotionally cheated on me with, I guess talking about all his gripes with our relationship. It really annoyed /him/ that I called to see if he was okay and if he needed a ride still. Because, you know, I LOVED HIM and the place was about 5 miles away. He curtly said that he was rolling and that he would walk home because he wanted to hang out with his friends. Then, 20 min later he called back and asked for a ride because some guy needed a ride too. He didn't understand why I was mad and when I told him, he didn't think he did anything wrong.))))

 

He also thought that me going to parties with him and then having a bad time was a way of me keeping tabs on him, but I genuinely wanted to spend time with someone I LOVED, I just don't do drugs and don't drink too much so it's not the same for me as it is for someone intoxicated. 70% of the time, I wouldn't even go to these events because I didn't want to be a burden, and I would stay home and do my own thing. To me, his reasons did not seem 'controlling' at all... (are they?) I felt like he was using these examples as a scapegoat. I lost all my dignity again and tried to get him to want to work things out, but no dice. Finally, he broke down and started crying! saying that he ruined the relationship because he doesn't know how to express how he feels, and that he wants to be a better person with more emotional stability. It was so devastating to see someone I loved breaking down like that so I brushed everything under the rug and I finally agreed to the breakup. We exchanged some really nice words (hugging and crying and talking about what we loved about each other) and went on with our day.

 

I had spent the night at my sister's house and came back the next morning to tell my ex that I was sorry for being insecure and also for not trusting him as much as I should. I had never snooped before, but there were 3 specific times where I felt very threatened by a girl (ironically the last one being the girl he was going to go on a date with) and I would be open and honest about my feelings, I just think I never took the time to consider how much I hurt him for saying I didn't trust him. Again, I accepted the breakup and agreed it was the healthy thing to do for both of us, and we decided that since we live together we would be friends with no romantic obligations.

 

BAD IDEA!! NC is a real thing that needs to be done!!!!! I was a wreck the whole first week and he said he wanted to help me feel better so he asked me to talk to him about my emotions. So I did, several times. It just seemed soooo unfair that two people could looooove each other and not make it work. There's no god!! if there were, my ex and I would be together in bliss! (my thoughts) (and yeah, I'm dramatic.) We would hug after our talks and at one point he rubbed my butt during a hug and he tried kissing me twice (I turned my cheek so he wouldn't kiss my lips). This whole time, these two weeks, I was under the impression that we still wanted to be together. So I started to entertain the idea that over time, we would work out, and I didn't have to move out anymore. And we would go back to normal.

So last night as I was tossing and turning because I could hear him in the dining room, and I was pining for him really bad. I decided to ask what he wanted from me. I told him what I wanted from him (to work things out eventually,) but to my surprise, he said that he just doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a while, and it won't ever work out because he isn't ready for a LTR and never was, and that it was better for us to end it now before it got worse. This really ****ing broke me. He said that he just didn't like being texted and communicating, and that's why he fell out of love. I was angry that he couldn't tell me this the first time we discussed the breakup, or the second, or the third. He sent me mixed messages that I read into too much and he thought nothing of. He insisted that he still "cares" for me, and wants me to be happy and that he would do anything to make me happy, but there isn't anything he can do, he can't make me happy anymore.

 

Anyways, I detailed so much of the relationship that I almost missed the point of posting. After the discussion last night I knew that I want nothing to do with him. I don't hate him, but it isn't healthy for me to even get a glimpse of hope in things getting back to normal because it is very obvious that he needs to not be in a relationship and I need to be okay with being alone and I need to get back to the wild fun person I used to be. I accept the breakup and I have no more tears to shed because I know it's over.

 

I feel guilty though. I know that we don't have the same way of looking at anything, and where I see blue, he sees red. So I feel like when I said I never wanted to talk to him again and I blocked him on everything I'm making him feel awful for real, valid, feelings he has that I need to respect. I tend to make people who wrong me look like the ultimate villain but when I think about our relationship, we had some amazing times. I have never loved anyone this much in my entire life and in a lot of ways, we made each other grow. However, I used this as an excuse to stay close to him and "be friends" (again, bad idea). I understand that breakups are hard and we are both going to feel like **** no matter what. We both have different views on how the breakup happened, we both saw the 'friendship' week in a different way, and we both define "in love" and "care" differently. But at the same time, falling out of love because you hate communicating is ****ing stupid and I have every right to be like "**** this dude, I'm out!"

 

Right?

 

IDK where I'm going with this really. I just hope he finds what he wants, and I can too.

 

TLDR; I understand the breakup and agree with it because we are different people. However my way of coping involves writing him out of my life, I can't handle being friends. So I feel guilty.

Edited January 18, 2017 by pepperberskis
spaces

[preraph]

Look, there is such a thing as being controlling -- but wanting to make plans and share info with a boyfriend in reasonable portions isn't controlling.

 

To me it sounds like he wants someone naive or desperate enough to just let him do whatever he wants and not raise a fuss about it.

 

Whatever -- you two are not compatible, so block him and forget about him and move forward. Don't hang around. Don't give him that.

[BrokenBranches]

I think some of the things you did were totally reasonable. especially for a relationship 3 years in. My ex started being distant, with texting and seeing each other. We first started seeing each other less so i wanted to at least stay in touch somewhat.

 

Sometimes, and not very often at all, i would ask what she's up to or how her night is going. Not crazy at all. She never said anything about it being controlling, but when she wouldn't respond and i'd get upset next time we talked, she acted as if i was intruding. I started to feel like i was intruding. I think that's pretty inconsiderate and disrespectful. Especially coming from the girl that would react negatively the few times i forgot to respond to her. She did it ALL the time though.

 

Also, before she started being weird, she used to ask me how my night is or say she wants to sleep together. Or call me when i was gone for the weekend to talk. And that was fine! Why wouldn't i want to talk to someone who says she loves me and all that? So for her to think i'm controlling when she very well knows she used to do the same is very unfair imo.

 

Anyway, i think them reacting that way is a way to place blame on us, rather than accept any faults, feelings, themselves.