What is my ex doing?!

[donotmicrowave]

I will try to make it as brief for you guys as possible!!

 

We had been together for 3 years and 7 months. the first 3 years we were long distance, then I moved to Denmark.

 

The moment I moved here, things started going downhill. I was struggling with depression and an eating disorder, and started leaning on him way too much. He's a guy who wants a woman who knows her values, is independent and has goals in life. I was anything but that, I had changed completely.

 

He stuck with me for 7 months (through constant drama and arguments), but decided to break up a few days ago. I had been doing a lot better when that happened. I wasn't needy, clingy or anything. He said he can't see us together right now. I made the mistake to burst out crying and start begging. He started crying with me. He was hugging me, holding my hand and even kissing me. And those kisses were so sweet and loving. But eventually, I simply told him to be happy, find someone better and not forget about me. I let him go.

 

I decided to simply stop texting him after the break up. But, less than 24h later, he texts me, saying how he feels horrible and cries. He says he wants to keep talking to me and that he's sorry for the pain he has caused me and that he wants to see me before I leave Denmark, to go back home for a few months so I can heal. He even said he misses "seeing my name on his phone's screen", he NEVER said anything like that while I was here. It was a freaking essay he wrote me. Before the break up, he never texted me and was distant as hell. He never even said anything nice to me.

 

I replied, saying that I won't contact him as much anymore, that I'm moving on. I also added that if he wanted to, he could visit me in Estonia in a month, so we could talk things through, and maybe make up for the messy break up by spending nice time together.

 

He was so happy I responded. He told me, again, how he feels horrible and what not, but that it helps that I'm doing better (?). He said he'd love to meet me in Estonia, asked me for how long (one day/weekend/week), and also added he'd like to stay for a week, because he wants to spend time with me, he sounded really happy about it. And again asked if he could see me before I fly home. Then he thanked me for messaging him.

 

We set our dates (I simply agreed with the week) and I politely told him I'd rather not see him right now. He said he understood, and that I can just tell him if I didn't want him to write. I didn't reply.

 

Ca 24 hours later, he checked my Snapchat and saw a picture in my story with my hand wrapped up in bandages (I got hurt and was bragging about it, duh). Immediately after, he texts me, asking what's happened, and also adds in our "inside jokes" to the message..

 

I haven't replied and I don't know if I will.

 

I really don't understand what's happening?! He's never been so nice and friendly, he hasn't actually shown up interest like that in a long time. What is he doing?! He just dumped me.

 

*He has left me before for the same reason - I became clingy and started whining about everything, though he came back once I didn't need him anymore, ca 6 months after the break up*

Edited January 18, 2017 by donotmicrowave

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened. I think you are doing the right thing by minimising contact and looking after yourself at this painful time.

 

I don't know why he is behaving like that, maybe it is remorse or perhaps he really enjoys being with you when you are not so down as you obviously have been. Maybe he had really mixed feelings but felt a break-up was the only thing he could do to resolve issues.

 

You say why he broke up with you (or at least suggest it was because of your mood and needs) but is that the reason he gave? If so, is it possible he wanted you to get help rather than lean on him so much? It is very hard supporting someone who is depressed and who you feel is almost blaming you for their unhappiness. Also, there could be an element of him wondering if he is making you unhappy in some way by not being able to meet your needs. Regardless, he sounds terribly conflicted.

 

His actions subsequently suggest he is a very caring man too so it could be he feels terrible guilt. If that is the case, then contact is probably not a good thing because it will not give you chance to move on and he would not be maintaining contact for the right reasons.

 

I think wait and see. At some point, he will want to talk about why he is still engaging with you, so listen carefully for his reasons. You have no obligation whatsoever to maintain any contact though. I hope you realise that.

[donotmicrowave]

I am sorry to hear what has happened. I think you are doing the right thing by minimising contact and looking after yourself at this painful time.

 

I don't know why he is behaving like that, maybe it is remorse or perhaps he really enjoys being with you when you are not so down as you obviously have been. Maybe he had really mixed feelings but felt a break-up was the only thing he could do to resolve issues.

 

You say why he broke up with you (or at least suggest it was because of your mood and needs) but is that the reason he gave? If so, is it possible he wanted you to get help rather than lean on him so much? It is very hard supporting someone who is depressed and who you feel is almost blaming you for their unhappiness. Also, there could be an element of him wondering if he is making you unhappy in some way by not being able to meet your needs. Regardless, he sounds terribly conflicted.

 

His actions subsequently suggest he is a very caring man too so it could be he feels terrible guilt. If that is the case, then contact is probably not a good thing because it will not give you chance to move on and he would not be maintaining contact for the right reasons.

 

I think wait and see. At some point, he will want to talk about why he is still engaging with you, so listen carefully for his reasons. You have no obligation whatsoever to maintain any contact though. I hope you realise that.

 

Thank you so much for responding!

 

He did quite often feel like he wasn't good enough. He's very busy, and then there's me, wanting attention 24/7. I was his first ever "real" partner, and he was mine as well. So, neither of us were experienced.

 

Though it still surprises me how nice he is now. When he broke up with me last time, he distanced himself and left me behind. So, this sudden change is really unexpected, to say the least..

 

He truly is a very sweet guy. He's very caring and loving. I still hope he will give us another chance (he did say "Maybe if things get better between us in the future, then of course we'd get back together and build it up slowly", but it might've just been a method to ease the pain). I'm very confused, which is why I decided to come here and gather different opinions.

 

Also, thank you for the kind words!

[donotmicrowave]

Does anyone else have an idea what might be happening? Your thoughts are all appreciated.

[freddy2017]

a long distance for 3 years means that it was a online friendship. we go online when we're bored we run to our emails, pm's etc and fill in the time

 

sorry that sounds a bit harsh ignore it a little, but understand that whilst he lived his normal day to day he had a girl in the back ground that he'd go to when not much happening and converse with

 

how often did you see each other in the 3 years?

 

is it possible there were other friendships with girls whilst you was away

 

now youve come back its become a massive contrast, very intense and in his face, and on top of that now he has been enduring the symptoms and consequences or your depressions and eating disorders

 

men find it pretty tough to turn a girl away, and if he is doing it he either is finding her to be quite disturbing, he has other girls in the pipeline or he is pushing you away because something has happened that he cant tell you about and would rather push you away than have you know these truths

 

close the book and what she doesnt know wont hurt her etc, plus he is a bit off put by your dilemmas

 

he does seem to care and have feelings but he is trying to let them go or release them obviously, because its all likely off putting rather than appealing right now

 

and being so open again online with you since he seems to be jumping back into the long distance friendship again doesnt he?

 

thats where he likes having you in his life, just online im guessing

 

just my reflections on your story

 

if he pushing you away he's not ready to jump into the big commitment with you, and is probably not quite the adult one needs to be to make those commitments. in time he may grow into the idea and he may build himself to become that person.

 

id completely close the book, move on. he is barely in it with you and only wants the cream of the cake not the whole cake. take it all away from him shut off all online friendships and messages let him miss you badly and watch him crawl back in 3 months, a year or maybe 2 years, which by then maybe he will have grown to be that grown up person ready to be content with you and you only

 

at same time you can work on clearing eating disorders and depressions

 

-> journey of young Adults etc etc

Edited January 19, 2017 by freddy2017

[donotmicrowave]

a long distance for 3 years means that it was a online friendship. we go online when we're bored we run to our emails, pm's etc and fill in the time

 

sorry that sounds a bit harsh ignore it a little, but understand that whilst he lived his normal day to day he had a girl in the back ground that he'd go to when not much happening and converse with

 

how often did you see each other in the 3 years?

 

is it possible there were other friendships with girls whilst you was away

 

now youve come back its become a massive contrast, very intense and in his face, and on top of that now he has been enduring the symptoms and consequences or your depressions and eating disorders

 

men find it pretty tough to turn a girl away, and if he is doing it he either is finding her to be quite disturbing, he has other girls in the pipeline or he is pushing you away because something has happened that he cant tell you about and would rather push you away than have you know these truths

 

close the book and what she doesnt know wont hurt her etc, plus he is a bit off put by your dilemmas

 

he does seem to care and have feelings but he is trying to let them go or release them obviously, because its all likely off putting rather than appealing right now

 

and being so open again online with you since he seems to be jumping back into the long distance friendship again doesnt he?

 

thats where he likes having you in his life, just online im guessing

 

just my reflections on your story

 

if he pushing you away he's not ready to jump into the big commitment with you, and is probably not quite the adult one needs to be to make those commitments. in time he may grow into the idea and he may build himself to become that person.

 

id completely close the book, move on. he is barely in it with you and only wants the cream of the cake not the whole cake. take it all away from him shut off all online friendships and messages let him miss you badly and watch him crawl back in 3 months, a year or maybe 2 years, which by then maybe he will have grown to be that grown up person ready to be content with you and you only

 

at same time you can work on clearing eating disorders and depressions

 

-> journey of young Adults etc etc

 

He was very committed in our long distance relationship. He is a very busy guy (full time job, a needy mother and he plays football in the national team = lots of practices + camps). He made time for me whenever he could and even talked to me during his practices, which mean everything to him.

 

He needs a relationship that's fun and loving, and it always was. Before I started having issues. He has left me before and he quickly cut all contact with me or lowered it to the absolute minimum.

 

I think it's very rude of you to say that he "talked to me simply when he had some spare time and it was convenient", since you know absolutely nothing about our relationship while we lived in two different countries. And no, there were no other girls. He was in sort of a rebound relationship after he first left me, but that's it. He never even saw the girl and they never got "intimate".

 

He did mention that there is a chance for us in the future. But that we would have to build it up slowly. Friends, then casual dating and after that, who knows. This transition from an online relationship to a "real" (sorry, don't know what word to use) relationship was too sudden, you are definitely right about that.

 

Thank you.

Edited January 19, 2017 by donotmicrowave