I cheated and got hurt- Should I call it quits?

[confusedbuthopeful1]

Hi all,

 

I wonder can you help would be great to hear an outsiders view on what I am feeling. I am in a long term relationship with a great guy for the last 15 years. We have been engaged for 7- but I just can’t seem to take that leap to marriage and I am getting older. Next month I will be 34. We have no kids yet and I know I need to seriously get a move on.

 

 

The issue is, while I love him and care about him deeply, I don’t think I am in love with him. He is a great guy generous, caring, good around house, good with kids he would be someone’s ideal husband. We have great times together- lots of laughs etc and are best friends. But no matter how hard I try something just doesn’t feel right. We don’t have that spark, or at least I don’t feel it. I am scared there is something wrong with me and maybe not the relationship.

 

But I don’t want to waste any more of mine or his time and I know I am hurting him

 

Also- just to make it even messier, about 6 months ago I was out and met a guy whom I was instantly attracted to- lets say “Mr T”. We were both drunk and shared a taxi home as we were going the same way but ended up going home to his but nothing happened, just kissed etc. The next morning he asked “ so were do we go from here- will I ever see you again”? I told him no as he knew I was engaged and I felt so guilty about what happened. He gave me his number and we agreed I would text him if I was ever single kind of joking.

 

However a few days later I ended up texting him anyway, which I have never done before. I cant explain but I just felt so intensely crazy about this guy. We ended up texting for a few days just kind of flirty texts but then I had to stop as I was getting too carried away with it all. Then a few weeks later we would message again- mostly initiated by me and it continued like that for a few months.

 

I have never felt that way about someone before it was so intense, and thought that he felt the same way. He would joke saying you’re my future wife, when we move in together etc etc. I think I gave him the impression I was going to leave my current relationship which I was seriously thinking. Its worth noting this was all over text- we never met up again.

 

Then before Christmas, my partner found out I had been texting someone and went crazy. It was horrible but he forgave me. I deleted “Mr T” from my Snapchat and I think this hurt him. I explained what happened and he said ok- thanks for telling me. At that stage I was going to leave it at that but he continued to send me cute pics. A few days later I sent him a message when I was out with the girls and out of the blue he sent a message saying “ are you heading out to look for your youth”?. This really stung. This guy is 6 years younger than me and constantly teased about my age but it was jokey or so I thought. When I asked him to clarify what he meant ( maybe I took it up wrong!) he said I mean that “ I’m young and lovely and your all old and nearly dead- but I still like you xx ). Well I went absolutely crazy. He then said “ Wow relax its just harmless flirting”. I told him he seriously needed to examine his flirting technique if he thought that was ok.

 

Anyway a few days later I still hadn’t heard from him- no apology nothing. So I sent him a text to say I didn’t understand why he had said that but that I understood maybe things were a bit weird and that I did really like him and was glad we met. Still nothing. Oh actually he did send me a random group Snapchat pic- nothing relevant. That was back in November and I heard nothing over Christmas or New Year.

 

He is still checking my Snapchat posts when I put them up- like straight away even though he knows I can see that.

 

At this point I know I should probably move on and realise it was a crazy situation but I have never felt that way before- I kept picturing a future together with him- kids marriage the whole lot. But it is getting easier as I think if he truly cared he would have sent some kind of response?

 

If I was truly happy in my relationship this also would not have happened and I don’t want to cause any more hurt. My partner deserves more. But since then my relationship had improved and my partner and I are working hard at creating that spark- I just don’t know when is too much work.

 

Would be great to hear your thoughts on the situation- thanks.

[VeveCakes]

I thought you deleted him off SC - so how is he still snapping you?

 

You are worried about this guy you hung out with once, while you are engaged to man you have been with for 15 years?

 

Sort out your relationship at home before you even begin to think about dating others. Meeting someone and planning your future together in your head after such a short time is not healthy.

 

The guy was joking about your age. I date younger all the time, I always make those jokes about myself...you need to chill.

 

You need to leave your bf. Take a long time to yourself...then consider re entering the dating world.

[ExpatInItaly]

In my experience (and opinion)....your relationship with your boyfriend is over and has been for a long while. You two are great friends, but it sounds like that's essentially where it ends. It's past its expiration date.

 

Also in my experience...a spark can't be manufactured, per se. If it was never really there, it's not going to suddenly appear now. You two don't have that chemistry or interest that differentiates best friends from romantic partners. If you'd had it and it faded due to time or difficult circumstances, that would be one thing. But that doesn't sound like the case here.

 

I think you need to end it with your boyfriend. You clearly aren't committed to him, and you don't see a future with him. I've been there. It wasn't easy to end it with said ex, but it was absolutely the right decision. We both went on to better partners.

[confusedbuthopeful1]

Hi Vevecakes- thanks for your reply. I deleted him as a contact on SC but someone he still could send me messages and view my story but I cant see his. RE his comment I guess he could have been joking but it didn't seem like that- if I have hurt someone with a jokey comment I would apologize- he just never replied again! which should really tell me something. I appreciate your honesty and its good to hear from an outsiders opinion.

[mightycpa]

I'm going to suggest something I learned a long time ago. You have to figure out what you want to do. When you're figuring that out, forget your existing relationship and your history. Just, given the people you know today, what do you want to do? It may take you some time to admit to yourself exactly what that is.

 

Maybe you want a fling. Maybe you want to start over with someone else. Maybe you want to try it with new guy, and keep old guy as a backup play, and you'll come back or cut him loose as the situation develops. Whatever, but figure it out, and be able to explain it in concise words.

 

Then go make it happen. Explain it to you BF if that is what's required. I'm not sure if it's better or worse to hurt your BF feelings by dumping him, or by cheating on him and maybe getting caught. One way or the other, he's going to be hurt, and really, the only difference is going to be his opinion of you and how he reacts. It might be easier for him to detach if he thinks you're a dirty, rotten cheater. I don't know. It's a consideration.

 

I do know this. You're wasting your time with all of this agonizing. This decision can be made in a day. You just have to have the courage to live your life.

[confusedbuthopeful1]

Hi Expat in Italy- thanks so much. I guess you are right-but it hurts so much to think about not having him in my life. I think i really just need to be honest with myself and him. Its so tough. But I wouldnt feel this way about another guy if it was right I suppose. I just keep waiting for the spark to appear- its not everything anyway. We have love for each other and a good life together.

[confusedbuthopeful1]

I'm going to suggest something I learned a long time ago. You have to figure out what you want to do. When you're figuring that out, forget your existing relationship and your history. Just, given the people you know today, what do you want to do? It may take you some time to admit to yourself exactly what that is.

 

Maybe you want a fling. Maybe you want to start over with someone else. Maybe you want to try it with new guy, and keep old guy as a backup play, and you'll come back or cut him loose as the situation develops. Whatever, but figure it out, and be able to explain it in concise words.

 

Then go make it happen. Explain it to you BF if that is what's required. I'm not sure if it's better or worse to hurt your BF feelings by dumping him, or by cheating on him and maybe getting caught. One way or the other, he's going to be hurt, and really, the only difference is going to be his opinion of you and how he reacts. It might be easier for him to detach if he thinks you're a dirty, rotten cheater. I don't know. It's a consideration.

 

I do know this. You're wasting your time with all of this agonizing. This decision can be made in a day. You just have to have the courage to live your life.

 

 

 

Thanks Mighty CPA- I know i need to grow a pair. Easier said than done when you have spent almost half your life together but I have to. But I dont want him to think I'm a dirty rotten cheater! I get what you are saying though.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi Expat in Italy- thanks so much. I guess you are right-but it hurts so much to think about not having him in my life. I think i really just need to be honest with myself and him. Its so tough. But I wouldnt feel this way about another guy if it was right I suppose. I just keep waiting for the spark to appear- its not everything anyway. We have love for each other and a good life together.

 

But you've also been cheating, which is quite the opposite of love and a good life.

 

I don't say that to denigrate you, but you've had a major wake-up call. Your attraction to this other guy isn't about the other guy, exactly. It's your gut and heart telling you that you don't have the right feelings for your fiance. It's a symptom of a much larger problem, which is that you're not in love and don't really respect the relationship or your fiance anymore. I can nearly guarantee that if it's not the other guy now, it will be someone else in the future. The point is you're detached enough that you allow yourself to cheat.

 

Does your finace know how long your emotional affair lasted? That you went home with this guy and kissed him? That you re initiated contact and are still hoping to hear from him?

 

You can probably forget about the other man, anyway. He shouldn't be the reason you leave the relationship, should you chose to. It sounds like you don't actually know him very well and honestly, he's probably dating. If he's young and single I doubt he's been hanging out at home all this time.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Trust me, the young guy is not looking for anything serious.

[PinkElephants]

“ are you heading out to look for your youth”?

“ I’m young and lovely and your all old and nearly dead- but I still like you xx ).

“ Wow relax its just harmless flirting”.

I'm going to disagree with Veve and say that this is not joking nor is it harmless. You rejected Mr T and he's striking back with the intent to cause harm. He chose a subject that he knew would hurt you and create insecurity and then shamed you for having the exact response he wanted.

 

I have never felt that way before- I kept picturing a future together with him- kids marriage the whole lot. But it is getting easier as I think if he truly cared he would have sent some kind of response?

It's time to stop. You met this guy once and the second you dumped him he lashed out instead of bowing out gracefully. He insulted you and has since ignored you. Whatever you decide to do with your bf don't bank on a future with the young guy. He's the type that'll cheat and blame you or call you fat and laugh like it's a joke. He's not going to treat you with respect.

[Simple Logic]

I think you should dump your BF, go have fun with the young guy, and then come back here and join the all the folks asking advice on how to get their ex back after they dumped them.

[Sweetfish]

I think your being played. There are men who specialize in manipulating women. He already created a crack in your relationship. His text that he calls "flirting"... is push-pull technique.

 

It worked wonders on you as the negative comment places him in your mind. It drives you crazy. Right.

 

There is a poster here who says he can easily trap marry women and did it for sport because it was so easy to become what the husband was not.

 

So think about that for a while... btw why no kids?

[ReformedPUA]

Hi all,

 

I wonder can you help would be great to hear an outsiders view on what I am feeling. I am in a long term relationship with a great guy for the last 15 years. We have been engaged for 7- but I just can’t seem to take that leap to marriage and I am getting older. Next month I will be 34. We have no kids yet and I know I need to seriously get a move on.

 

 

The issue is, while I love him and care about him deeply, I don’t think I am in love with him. He is a great guy generous, caring, good around house, good with kids he would be someone’s ideal husband. We have great times together- lots of laughs etc and are best friends. But no matter how hard I try something just doesn’t feel right. We don’t have that spark, or at least I don’t feel it. I am scared there is something wrong with me and maybe not the relationship.

 

But I don’t want to waste any more of mine or his time and I know I am hurting him

 

Also- just to make it even messier, about 6 months ago I was out and met a guy whom I was instantly attracted to- lets say “Mr T”. We were both drunk and shared a taxi home as we were going the same way but ended up going home to his but nothing happened, just kissed etc. The next morning he asked “ so were do we go from here- will I ever see you again”? I told him no as he knew I was engaged and I felt so guilty about what happened. He gave me his number and we agreed I would text him if I was ever single kind of joking.

 

However a few days later I ended up texting him anyway, which I have never done before. I cant explain but I just felt so intensely crazy about this guy. We ended up texting for a few days just kind of flirty texts but then I had to stop as I was getting too carried away with it all. Then a few weeks later we would message again- mostly initiated by me and it continued like that for a few months.

 

I have never felt that way about someone before it was so intense, and thought that he felt the same way. He would joke saying you’re my future wife, when we move in together etc etc. I think I gave him the impression I was going to leave my current relationship which I was seriously thinking. Its worth noting this was all over text- we never met up again.

 

Then before Christmas, my partner found out I had been texting someone and went crazy. It was horrible but he forgave me. I deleted “Mr T” from my Snapchat and I think this hurt him. I explained what happened and he said ok- thanks for telling me. At that stage I was going to leave it at that but he continued to send me cute pics. A few days later I sent him a message when I was out with the girls and out of the blue he sent a message saying “ are you heading out to look for your youth”?. This really stung. This guy is 6 years younger than me and constantly teased about my age but it was jokey or so I thought. When I asked him to clarify what he meant ( maybe I took it up wrong!) he said I mean that “ I’m young and lovely and your all old and nearly dead- but I still like you xx ). Well I went absolutely crazy. He then said “ Wow relax its just harmless flirting”. I told him he seriously needed to examine his flirting technique if he thought that was ok.

 

Anyway a few days later I still hadn’t heard from him- no apology nothing. So I sent him a text to say I didn’t understand why he had said that but that I understood maybe things were a bit weird and that I did really like him and was glad we met. Still nothing. Oh actually he did send me a random group Snapchat pic- nothing relevant. That was back in November and I heard nothing over Christmas or New Year.

 

He is still checking my Snapchat posts when I put them up- like straight away even though he knows I can see that.

 

At this point I know I should probably move on and realise it was a crazy situation but I have never felt that way before- I kept picturing a future together with him- kids marriage the whole lot. But it is getting easier as I think if he truly cared he would have sent some kind of response?

 

If I was truly happy in my relationship this also would not have happened and I don’t want to cause any more hurt. My partner deserves more. But since then my relationship had improved and my partner and I are working hard at creating that spark- I just don’t know when is too much work.

 

Would be great to hear your thoughts on the situation- thanks.

 

Wait what?

 

You met a guy once and went to his place, and you never met up again, and you were thinking marriage and kids with him already?

 

Didn't that strike anyone else as extremely bizarre behaviour on the OP's part? I mean, people cheat all the time and get swept up in it, but meeting up only once and fantasizing about marriage and kids...?

 

Engaged 7 years and you haven't gotten married yet because you are dragging your feet....look, it's time to end this. You have only one life to live. This isn't fair to your partner either.

[Satu]

snip

If I was truly happy in my relationship this also would not have happened and I don’t want to cause any more hurt. My partner deserves more. But since then my relationship had improved and my partner and I are working hard at creating that spark- I just don’t know when is too much work.

 

Would be great to hear your thoughts on the situation- thanks.

 

You have a very big conflict inside yourself.

 

Part of you wants the comfort and easiness of your relationship, and another part of you wants the exact opposite.

 

Find yourself a good counsellor, and find out what you should actually do.

 

 

Take care.

[ReformedPUA]

I have never felt that way about someone before it was so intense, and thought that he felt the same way. He would joke saying you’re my future wife, when we move in together etc etc. I think I gave him the impression I was going to leave my current relationship which I was seriously thinking. Its worth noting this was all over text- we never met up again.

 

Then before Christmas, my partner found out I had been texting someone and went crazy. It was horrible but he forgave me. I deleted “Mr T” from my Snapchat and I think this hurt him. I explained what happened and he said ok- thanks for telling me. At that stage I was going to leave it at that but he continued to send me cute pics. A few days later I sent him a message when I was out with the girls and out of the blue he sent a message saying “ are you heading out to look for your youth”?. This really stung. This guy is 6 years younger than me and constantly teased about my age but it was jokey or so I thought. When I asked him to clarify what he meant ( maybe I took it up wrong!) he said I mean that “ I’m young and lovely and your all old and nearly dead- but I still like you xx ). Well I went absolutely crazy. He then said “ Wow relax its just harmless flirting”. I told him he seriously needed to examine his flirting technique if he thought that was ok.

 

Anyway a few days later I still hadn’t heard from him- no apology nothing. So I sent him a text to say I didn’t understand why he had said that but that I understood maybe things were a bit weird and that I did really like him and was glad we met. Still nothing. Oh actually he did send me a random group Snapchat pic- nothing relevant. That was back in November and I heard nothing over Christmas or New Year.

 

He is still checking my Snapchat posts when I put them up- like straight away even though he knows I can see that.

 

 

There is so so so much wrong with the paragraph. Let's unpack.

 

1. You told your fiance that you would cut contact with this guy, but alas, your promise went right out the window when he kept sending you more messages. Sad!

 

2. The insulting you on your age, that is what we in The Business used to call a neg. He was quite clumsy at it but you are still hooked on the guy. Or maybe he was saying how he really felt about you?

 

So basically it didn't take much for you to keep cheating on your fiance, now did it. Looks like the only reason why things didn't go further because this other guy decided to walk away.

 

Look, when it comes to cheating, or at least cheating on THIS relationship, you are low-hanging fruit. You were easier to hack into than the DNC! If you were to marry your poor fiance--or stay with him--I wonder what would become of the two of you should you meet someone else with his act truly together. You'd be a goner for the new guy!

Edited January 19, 2017 by ReformedPUA

[Logo]

...........................

Edited January 19, 2017 by Logo

[lauri]

Let me get this straight....you're fawning over a guy that you got drunk around, took a taxi home with with and just "kissed" at his place? I don't believe that for a second. There's more to this story but that's irrelevant for what I think should happen.

 

Let me be blunt - you and your current boyfriend are done. I can't even believe he forgave you...the truth is you don't respect him and you've probably lost even more respect for him after he took you back. Any new guy is going to be more attractive to you than your current guy. You just aren't attracted to him and you found it so refreshing to be involved with someone who got you turned on that you're feeling this way. If you stay with your current SO, you will be extremely unhappy in the long run.

 

Do your current guy to be a favour and end it. If you have any decency left in you, do it if you truly care about him. You're wasting both of your time in this situation. You'll do the same thing to do him if you're married and nothing will change. You cannot change how you feel towards your current SO and its something you have to accept

[dumbass2]

If your fiance was on here posting this story from his end, everyone would be telling him to run for the hills and don't look back. Just based on what you have stated, I hope he is able to end it because it doesn't sound like you are able to do the right thing and come totally clean and end it with him.

[enddeck]

When you get up this morning look into a mirror and tell yourself you are looking at a cheat.You have been fifteen years with this guy,is that how you want him to remember you,as a cheat.I don't believe for a minute you didn't **** this guy,he wouldn't be reaching out to you otherwise.At thirty four your bf needs a woman he can trust,not someone who gets drunk and goes home with total strangers.You shared a taxi,yeah.Id say you shared more than a taxi with him.

Leave your poor bf alone for pity's sake,he doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

[Logo]

Most people at 34 are already past the occasional fling and are ready to settle down with their loved one. If you're not ready for a commitment and have commitment issues, or if there's a spark missing, perhaps you need to look inward first and figure out for yourself what is going on.

 

Before you go and break up with your fiancé or boyfriend, talk it over with him. Perhaps there's something you guys can do to spice things up. Perhaps you need to see a therapist and figure out what's going on with you.

 

I wouldn't act impulsively and throw away a long term relationship without trying to find out if things can be salvaged.

 

And what's so wrong with your boyfriend that you just don't "love" him anymore?

 

 

What's changed since you guys met? Be honest with yourself.

 

The fact he trusts you and forgave you for your little short-lived adventure tells me this guy is serious and is really into you.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I kind of disagree with you guys. Look, Logo says that most people are past the occasional fling by age 34. That's true but only because most people are dating around in their 20s. This woman has been with this man since she was 19 years old. She has been committed to him for years and years, much longer than any of you have tried to be committed to your own significant others. It's not fair to judge someone who is choosing to stay committed for all this time. This is what happens in long-term relationships, things get VERY STALE. IT IS NATURAL that it would get this stale. It is natural that you would lose attraction for your partner.

 

People are advising her to get out now. Do you really think that married and long-term committed people are jumping each others' bones after 15-20 years? NO THEY ARE NOT. Commitment is giving up the idea of having romantic attraction ever again. You will all have to go through this.

 

Just because attraction is gone, doesn't mean the relationship should be gone. It comes back and goes away. Now, if you are saying that you believe in serial monogamy instead, that everyone should break up every 3-7 years, and just move on one after another, that's a different argument.

[lauri]

I kind of disagree with you guys. Look, Logo says that most people are past the occasional fling by age 34. That's true but only because most people are dating around in their 20s. This woman has been with this man since she was 19 years old. She has been committed to him for years and years, much longer than any of you have tried to be committed to your own significant others. It's not fair to judge someone who is choosing to stay committed for all this time. This is what happens in long-term relationships, things get VERY STALE. IT IS NATURAL that it would get this stale. It is natural that you would lose attraction for your partner.

 

People are advising her to get out now. Do you really think that married and long-term committed people are jumping each others' bones after 15-20 years? NO THEY ARE NOT. Commitment is giving up the idea of having romantic attraction ever again. You will all have to go through this.

 

Just because attraction is gone, doesn't mean the relationship should be gone. It comes back and goes away. Now, if you are saying that you believe in serial monogamy instead, that everyone should break up every 3-7 years, and just move on one after another, that's a different argument.

 

I can't believe you're actually trying to justify her position. Are you saying we shouldn't judge her for cheating because its a significantly long relationship? I also don't agree with you on your point of view that she should continue a relationship with her finance after the attraction is gone to the point she has to be with someone else to meet her needs. This is unfair to both her and her fiance. She does not respect him and she probably has lost even more respect for him that he even stayed with her after he caught her.

 

One of the most important things to keep a relationship healthy is loyalty. You're right to say that after a long term relationship you're most likely going to lose some sort of attraction, but the main problem with this is I cannot accept someone who is not loyal and consider it be an okay trait. If someone is unhappy, they should walk away and not put someone through this type of pain of cheating. "Kissing" in her original post was considered "nothing happened". Cheating is cheating.

 

She is clearly not satisfied in her current relationship which has led to her jump at the first exciting / attractive guy to pop up in her life. If you look at her post, it's more about the new guy than her current guy. How can you justify suggesting a relationship should continue when the main thing on her mind is the new guy, not the old? How can a relationship work when their mind and heart is not in it with them? Do you expect her current significant other to go and live a sexless marriage while she's out entertaining other men to fulfill her needs?

 

She made her choice and she should own up to it by ending it with her current man. She sounds like she is only keeping her current boyfriend because she can't get the other guy to commit...but believe me, if she could, she would drop her boyfriend in a heartbeat and he would be sitting around thinking "what happened?"

[Nadine123]

I kind of disagree with you guys. Look, Logo says that most people are past the occasional fling by age 34. That's true but only because most people are dating around in their 20s. This woman has been with this man since she was 19 years old. She has been committed to him for years and years, much longer than any of you have tried to be committed to your own significant others. It's not fair to judge someone who is choosing to stay committed for all this time. This is what happens in long-term relationships, things get VERY STALE. IT IS NATURAL that it would get this stale. It is natural that you would lose attraction for your partner.

 

People are advising her to get out now. Do you really think that married and long-term committed people are jumping each others' bones after 15-20 years? NO THEY ARE NOT. Commitment is giving up the idea of having romantic attraction ever again. You will all have to go through this.

 

Just because attraction is gone, doesn't mean the relationship should be gone. It comes back and goes away. Now, if you are saying that you believe in serial monogamy instead, that everyone should break up every 3-7 years, and just move on one after another, that's a different argument.

 

what?? lets all cheat then whenever a relationship goes stale.

[Nadine123]

Also, instead of worrying what your new guy is doing or how often he is checking your snapchat, maybe you can think about ways to make things up for your partner, you know? the one you cheated on and he took you back.

 

or maybe leave the relationship?

[Ilovepizzalady]

what?? lets all cheat then whenever a relationship goes stale.

 

That's absolutely not what I was saying. But she is asking for advice whether she should stay or should she go. It's not realistic to expect someone not to be more attracted to other people than their own LTR after 15 years. How many of you have been with one person for that long? I doubt any of you have enough experience to give advice on this topic.