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Should I reply to my ex's email? [UPDATE: How to get exbf back]


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My boyfriend and I broke up 10 months ago. We have been in no contact for ~4 months. The last time that he sent me a text message, I chose to ignore it and never replied. Basically at that time, I decided it was time to move on.

 

About a month after that (ie 3 months ago), I went on vacation in a foreign country, and in a weak moment when I saw something that reminded me of him, I decided to send him a postcard, simply saying that I saw something that reminded me of him and hope that he was doing well. Admittedly, at that time, even though I have decided to cut contact, I still somewhat thought about him.

 

But it was months ago, I assumed that the postcard got lost, so I totally forgot about it...

 

Until yesterday! I received an email from him, saying that he just got my postcard. He went on to chit-chat a bit, updated me about his life and asked about my life. My main concern is, whether or not I should reply to his email because after all, he sent this email because of my post card. On the other hand, the last time he wrote to me, I already ignored him. So suddenly replying to this email is a bit out of line for me.

 

Other background info: Because we are not talking, I have no direct news from him. But through 3rd-party sources, I know that he now has a new girlfriend (I am still single). My understanding is that he's known her for 6 months or so, but only became official for ~2 months (after i went no contact). Given the timeline, it's probably not a rebound relationship. In his email yesterday, he did not mention his new girlfriend, however.

 

I am really NOT interested in getting back with him. The relationship was so bad that rationally I don't think getting back would be a good idea, but of course there is still somewhat a nostalgic feeling. I think I'm about 95% over him. I haven't really talked to him for a long time, so I don't know if he has changed or not.

 

Do you think I should reply to his email? Should I explain that I sent the post card because of a weak moment but it was months ago so I'm over it? What should I say? Should I even update him about my life? I mean, despite the being single part, everything else in my life has been fantastic including big work promotion and so on. Any advice? Thank you! :)

Edited by pc31
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and in a weak moment

I still somewhat thought about him.

relationship was so bad

there is still somewhat a nostalgic feeling

I'm about 95% over him

haven't really talked to him for a long time, so I don't know if he has changed or not

 

Best to stay in no contact. The fact that you had to post and analyze about it indicates that you're not in a position to open communication.

 

Do you think I should reply to his email? Should I explain that I sent the post card because of a weak moment but it was months ago so I'm over it? What should I say? Should I even update him about my life? I mean, despite the being single part, everything else in my life has been fantastic including big work promotion and so on. Any advice? Thank you! :)

 

No, don't reply. There is no need to explain you are over it. Silence is a response. No need to update him about your life. Share those accomplishments with people who are presently in your life, who love and support you.

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after all, he sent this email because of my post card.

 

 

Doesn't it appear to be really rude not to reply? I did initiate contact after all... Postcards take months to arrive from Italy (well known fact), so I believe that he just truly got it very recently.

 

PS: He was the one who dumped me.

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Doesn't it appear to be really rude not to reply? I did initiate contact after all... Postcards take months to arrive from Italy (well known fact), so I believe that he just truly got it very recently.

 

PS: He was the one who dumped me.

 

I have a friend who lives in Italy. It took a little over a week for my birthday card to get to the US. I ordered a cycling jersey from Italy and the package got to me in three weeks.

 

It has nothing to do with being rude. It's been months since he responded to receiving your postcard. I have a feeling something is going on with his current gf and he's using the postcard as a means to open communication. Who knows? You said you are over it, so just keep moving on. The relationship was really bad and he dumped you. Let the past go and focus on what's ahead. Don't open a door you're not sure if you can handle.

 

Also, if you have to analyze this to death, you aren't ready for communication.

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I think this childish behavior of ignoring people who contact you is ridiculous. I get it, once they leave you, no contact, that's fine. But it is rude to treat someone like they're not a human being.

 

In my honest opinion, say your peace. Tell him you had a weak moment or what have you. You guys had some back and forth to begin with so it wouldn't be anything new.

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I would not respond to his email (I suspect he has had the postcard for some time. It doesn't take that long for mail to arrive from Italy). But if you must reply, I would stick to a short response addressing the content of his email or say something like "Good to hear things are going well. Best wishes for the future." Don't say anything about having a moment of weakness.

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I am really NOT interested in getting back with him.

 

If that were the case you wouldn't even give any of this a second thought. Self-deception blinds us all at times. You need to move on. Just walk away from the entire situation. The guy needs no explanation.

 

This just comes down to curiosity. He was a big part of your life for some time. You definitely still hold something for him, otherwise, you wouldn't care what he's been up to.

 

Just delete the e-mail and keep moving forward as you have been.

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But it is rude to treat someone like they're not a human being.

 

I highly disagree. IMO, Healing from the pain of a broken heart takes priority over anything else. That's why the NC rule is preached here ad nauseam.

 

When it comes to your recovery, it's okay to be selfish. We owe NOTHING to our Exes.

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Sure go ahead and reply. Just say something simple and polite like I'm glad you got the postcard and I'm glad you're doing well and leave it at that.

 

Remember, you don't want to get back with him and he has a GF anyway.

 

(I am still single).

 

You are only doing all this because you are feeling lonely. Perhaps you should open your mind to other men. Look towards the future.

Edited by Popsicle
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I have decided to reply. I have written a draft but not yet sent.

 

> I'm wondering what you guys think about a passive aggressive tone in the email?

 

I know I can hurt/insult people pretty badly by using perfectly civil and beautifully crafted words. But, because I'm well aware of what I do/ can do, I do somehow feel bad for him as the recipient... I'm pretty conflicted at this point. I want to hurt him for revenge because he hurt me, but at the same time I don't want to hurt him because I don't believe in insulting people in general... But then, maybe I don't consider him a human being at all?! I don't think this guy understands how much he hurts me or how much resentful I am towards him. I am extremely bitter about the whole thing. I honestly cannot say that I wish him the best in life because I don't.

 

All his emails after the break up (yes he did send 3-4 emails, trying to be friends I guess) are all actually very nice and friendly. Too friendly. But the pure fact that he is so friendly gets on my nerves. I did reply to all past emails, but in a very abrupt, short tone. I didn't insult him, even tho i was tempted to. I just cut everything very short. But again, like i said, i dont think he gets how resentful i am. So part of me wants to just let him know this time how ****ty of a person he really is.

 

Please give some advice?

Edited by pc31
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Here, I'll write the email for you:

 

Glad to see you finally got my postcard. Sounds like your life is going well. Mine too. Looks like it all worked out for the best!

 

Good luck in the future. See you in the next life!

 

PC

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You found out through third parties he has a GF and they're official and all of that.

 

Think of this as being like playing ping pong.

 

If they hit the ball to you, you hit it back. The game stops when you or they don't hit the ball back anymore. As long as he is in contact with you and you want the contact respond to him. Don't try to think about where it will lead. Just be in the moment and reply if it feels right.

 

I'd bet money his this gf is not so serious if she was he'd be focused on her not contacting you.

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You found out through third parties he has a GF and they're official and all of that.

 

Think of this as being like playing ping pong.

 

If they hit the ball to you, you hit it back. The game stops when you or they don't hit the ball back anymore. As long as he is in contact with you and you want the contact respond to him. Don't try to think about where it will lead. Just be in the moment and reply if it feels right.

 

I'd bet money his this gf is not so serious if she was he'd be focused on her not contacting you.

 

^ This right here.

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So part of me wants to just let him know this time how ****ty of a person he really is.

 

Please give some advice?

 

You're all over the place. So, this man treated you badly. He was ****ty to you. Yet you chose to go ahead and send him a postcard. He responds months later. You want to respond that it was a weak moment. Now you have a different set of emotions that are coming up from your unresolved past with him and you want to tell him what a ****ty person he was to you?

 

Let it go. He treated you badly. You're still emotionally affected. Come to terms with that by managing those emotions on your own. Stay away from the drama. Stay NC just as how you did from the beginning. I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from this.

 

There's nothing rude about moving on from someone that didn't treat you kindly.

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Do not respond.

 

If you are unable to resist (which shows weakness), use the template in Post 13.

 

He is with another woman. Maybe he is still sniffing around, maybe not. But he treated you badly in the rel-ship (I gather), dumped you and moved on.

 

Trying to make him feel bad is pointless and only does damage to you.

 

Honestly, just let it go.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Background: My ex dumped me almost a year ago and now has a new girlfriend. We haven't met since the day that he dumped me but we have exchanged a few emails- 100% initiated by him. He has never asked me to meet or get back together. He was mostly just being friendly. I have always been cold n short in my tone. Truth is i am still resentful and i don't want to get back together.

 

Recently i have learned from stalking him that he is in need of some help. After we broke up, he made the decision to sacrify his career in the hope of getting this one thing (a life goal) but now he is not entirely sure logistically how to do it.

 

I can easily pull some strings to help him. I have always been very well connected. But i am not sure if i should. It is just an act of kindness and a reminder of how successful i am and that he lost a very good thing. (His career is mediocre).

 

But i ak hesitant because 1) he didnt ask me, 2) we arent exactly friends right now since we havent met for a year, and 3) he is ****ing another girl.

 

So... mm kindness or nosey? Do you think i should help him? This thing is very important to this guy

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Why would you help him ?

He's your ex you don't owe him anything ...

 

If he doesn't care why do you ?

 

I feel bad for him.... he did decide to sacrify his career in the hope of doing this one thing. If he doesnt achieve that one thing, the sacrifice is basically wasteful... sigh. Like i said, its an act of kindness...

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I don't think it's kindness if it was kindness you would do it on your own and you wouldn't be here looking for validation or opinions...

 

I think you either seek closure or want the control

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I believe in kindness and if you can help someone, help will come back to you. I don't understand though, if you don't want him back, are still resentful, why are you spying on him?

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I believe in kindness and if you can help someone, help will come back to you. I don't understand though, if you don't want him back, are still resentful, why are you spying on him?

 

I am not over him. I am resentful becos i am not over him. If i am over him, i would be indifferent about him. But rationally speaking, i do not want him back - the relationship was terrible, we were very incompatible. One example of the incompatibility is that i would never ever sacrify my career for the thing that he wants but aparently that thing is even more important than his career, we just have very different value systems

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I don't think it's kindness if it was kindness you would do it on your own and you wouldn't be here looking for validation or opinions...

 

I think you either seek closure or want the control

 

Like i said, im debating because i dont want to appear to be nosy because he didnt ask me specifically. He just posted on his fb to ask friends and i saw it... and i am still pissed at him for wasting my time in the relationship. Aiya, emotions is a complicated business. But rationally i am very firm that i dont want to be back together

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