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Dumped After Death of GF's Mother...


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Been together for 3 months. Short yes i know, but things got very deep and the relationship was as if we were together for a year....

 

Story: Met while her mother was suffering from cancer, and in hospice. We dated while mom was under intensive care and suffering. She included me in all the personal things with her mother. Meeting her mother at Hospice many times. Mother told me she loved me in front of daughter many times.

 

Right before Xmas, Mother passed away after a few months of suffering. My GF held her mom while she passed away. I should mention that the mother and my ex were very very close. Younger mother and my Ex is 29. In addition, my ex was the day to day care taker. Quitting her job to be by mothers side every step of the way until the final breath.

 

Before mom passed. My ex was obviously going through tough times, but the relationship was flourishing. Saw each other 3 to 5 times per week. Great sex life. Spoke via text and over phone constantly. Met each others parents. Spent the night with each other often. Spend Xmas and NY with her family and her. We were in love without actually saying the words.

 

When mom passed, ex called me immediately and broke the news to me. The night of. Minutes after it happened. I was touched to be that close with her that she would consider calling me immediately.

 

We saw each other the next day, spent a few nights together including Xmas and Xmas Eve. For obvious reasons her mind was not all together, but i knew it wasnt anything personal towards me.

 

Since then, she needed some personal space from not just me, but from almost everyone around her life. She stopped talking to best-friends, family, basically everyone aside from ME and her Dad and Grandma. Everyone else, cutoff. She was in a shell, dark hole, but i was someone with whom she confided in and wanted to call and talk too a few times per day.

 

In January, we saw each other about 5 to 7 times. Spending some nights together. Things were different between us but she was obviously grieving. She lost sex drive. To me it was fine, i knew it was for reasons not related to me. No pressure on my end to make her feel bad about it.

 

She constantly apologized to me via text, stating that she feels very bad that she cannot give me what she wants to give me, and i'm perfect, and she cannot wait to get back on track with me and start the life that we always wanted together. With that being said, she requested to talk to me, text with me, calling me her boyfriend, and telling me how much she appreciates me and that i'm her rock etc.....So even though she was grieving, she still wanted me to play a role in this process.

 

Last week, she wanted to make plans for Friday Night and said she wanted "adult time" with the two of us. I said "sure...of course". As friday got closer, she was fine. No issues. We kept confirming plans. Things were fine. Thursday night, we spoke on the phone, she was a little disconnected, still due to grief. Thats ok. I mentioned to her that we dont have to hangout on Friday if she's not feeling up too it. She said she'll sleep on it and see how she feels friday morning.

 

Friday morning comes, and here comes a 3 page text. Breaking things off with me. Says she couldnt call me because she would be hysterical. Not once did she mention any issue in our relationship. She just said i deserve more, i'm perfect, and she cannot give me her true self and the guilt is killing her.

 

We exchange a few messages shortly after. Later on Friday night she mentioned that she thinks about me constantly.

 

Recap:

 

Yes 3 months together. But we were much closer than the time would suggest.

 

She included me in some very deep situations. And it made us grow very very close.

 

She is genuinely having a very difficult time. There were no signs she was going to leave me up until Friday.

 

Since mom died, she's been in a different frame of mind.

 

My thoughts: She's needing time, space, feels guilty, feels like there was going to be some sexual pressure soon, and she has no drive for sex or even the emotional commitment a relationship would warrant. So she walked out on it.

 

QUESTION:

 

Based on that little information, will she be back? I hope so because we were perfect for one another. Clicked on all cylinders even when Mom was suffering.

 

Any insight would be helpful and welcomed....

 

Relevant information from personal stories, or advice from professionals would be nice.

 

What i dont want, is to move like she wont come back, then i start dating or some ****, she catches wind, and then her mental state worsens, or it kills any chance of us getting back together.

 

What to do what to do?

Edited by jyoung4444
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Based on that little information, will she be back? I hope so because we were perfect for one another. Clicked on all cylinders even when Mom was suffering.

 

Even if she come backs, it can take lot of time, you don't really know how long. Some people connect again after couple of years, some months.

 

My suggestion is to give her time she needs. If she is going to miss you, she will contact you. Good luck.

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Even if she come backs, it can take lot of time, you don't really know how long. Some people connect again after couple of years, some months.

 

My suggestion is to give her time she needs. If she is going to miss you, she will contact you. Good luck.

 

Yeah that is my fear. Months and or Years :(

 

She has reached out today via text. Nothing emotional or about us. Just a 2 page text about some odds and ends etc...Shows she's still thinking of me.

 

Small sign i guess

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Girl I was last involved with was also only for three months. She broke it off with me for a number of reasons, one of them apparently being personal stuff (You can read my thread if you wish to know more).

 

I would give you the same advice I was given and that I have taken - go NC. If she wants to get in touch she will, mine has twice drunk...does it mean anything? Probably not but NC is the only way. You will either get over it or she 'might' re-engage with you.

 

At the end of the day, you have no control over it as she ended it so best you stay distant. If she texts and you're ok replying just be cool about it and let her do the initiating. If you start revealing feelings etc when she gets in touch and she's not contacting you for the reasons you want you'll end up more hurt.

 

And no offence but, if you date someone else and she catches wind and it 'worsens her mental state', then that's her fault. She ended it with you which means you're free to see others, she cannot then be annoyed at you and you also should be putting yourself first and not worrying how it will affect her, rather yourself. You also can't not date someone else because you're worried it will kill your chance in the future, as things stand there is no future.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Jimmyjackson
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Girl I was last involved with was also only for three months. She broke it off with me for a number of reasons, one of them apparently being personal stuff (You can read my thread if you wish to know more).

 

I would give you the same advice I was given and that I have taken - go NC. If she wants to get in touch she will, mine has twice drunk...does it mean anything? Probably not but NC is the only way. You will either get over it or she 'might' re-engage with you.

 

At the end of the day, you have no control over it as she ended it so best you stay distant. If she texts and you're ok replying just be cool about it and let her do the initiating. If you start revealing feelings etc when she gets in touch and she's not contacting you for the reasons you want you'll end up more hurt.

 

And no offence but, if you date someone else and she catches wind and it 'worsens her mental state', then that's her fault. She ended it with you which means you're free to see others, she cannot then be annoyed at you and you also should be putting yourself first and not worrying how it will affect her, rather yourself. You also can't not date someone else because you're worried it will kill your chance in the future, as things stand there is no future.

 

Good luck.

 

Good advice and thanks. No contact is certainly my plan here. She text me today about some odds and ends. My response was "thank You and I hope you're doing well".... that was it.

 

I want to be polite as she is grieving and she didnt leave me on bad terms. We never fought or had any issues. She just cannot give anything because of her mental state.

 

My guess is that she'll come back in time. Just hate the unknown and the waiting sucks :(

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I wouldn't be so sure your ex will be coming back.She was at the lowest point in her life when she was dating you and now she is on the road to recovery she will be having new feelings and actually may try to leave as much of the past as she can behind her.Do not take this personally but she may have used you as a comforting presence when she needed one but now you are just a reminder of tough times.I would say move on with your life and date other girls,also continue no contact because whatever chance you have of her coming back,if she sees you as weak she will lose respect for you.

In reality you seem to have put her on a pedestal without ever really known her at all.When she is working,maybe seeing other people through the day you may find you are not as enamoured with her as you think.

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I wouldn't be so sure your ex will be coming back.She was at the lowest point in her life when she was dating you and now she is on the road to recovery she will be having new feelings and actually may try to leave as much of the past as she can behind her.Do not take this personally but she may have used you as a comforting presence when she needed one but now you are just a reminder of tough times.I would say move on with your life and date other girls,also continue no contact because whatever chance you have of her coming back,if she sees you as weak she will lose respect for you.

In reality you seem to have put her on a pedestal without ever really known her at all.When she is working,maybe seeing other people through the day you may find you are not as enamoured with her as you think.

 

I dont find her to be the "user" type honestly but i agree its a possibility. I do agree I probably put her on a pedestal too quickly, and maybe it was without justification. But the way she handled her personal business with her mom and taking care of her grandma who has alzhiemers and dimensia made me gain a ton of admiration for her.

 

Her and I went through some really emotional moments though. It was so much deeper than juts a caddy little nonsense relationship. It had strong meaning and she really confided in me.

 

I mean i was the only person she talked too a few times per day after her mom died. And that was by her design, not mine.

 

Do you think its just the sexual pressure, or the pressure of having to put on a happy face? She mentioned in her break up text a few times that I"m perfect, were perfect, but she is just a wreck and cannot give anything and feels bad.

 

Any way. Thanks for your reply.

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Mother died a few weeks ago. Only child. She was very close to mom. Was care taker for 4 months and watched her mom die in her arms.

 

Since death, girl was mentally absent. She felt guilty about being mentally absent with me. Although she made a great effort for 3 weeks.

 

Get a sudden break up text...here it is:

 

(1/3) Jay I cant do this anymore I cant do this to you anymore. You do deserve it and I am a mess and cant handle it. You dont deserve a text but I am too scar(2/3) ed to tell you. I honestly feel sick even saying this because I know you are perfect but I guess I need my time and want you to move on and be happy. You (3/3) deserve more than what I can give

 

So the question is, while she is grieving, i am going with NO CONTACT. Will not contact her in any way.

 

The question is this, do i wait patiently on her, or do I move on as if she's gone forever?

 

Does anyone have any insight on a woman who loses a mother, being as close as they were? will she ever shake free of this feeling and realize what we had is important and i'm part of the solution not part fo the problem?

 

Thoughts welcome

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context added...

 

Her mother and family love me. Her mom would often say she loved me to both of us.

 

My ex has referred to me recently as her rock, perfect.

 

I'm the only person she was talking too for a few weeks after mom died.

 

Maybe she was afraid to face physical issues, like sex, during these times...

 

IDK

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Losing a mom is a very hard thing. It's been nearly a year for me and I'm still not 100% to where I was.

 

If I were you I'd back off a little and decide what you want. Are you willing to wait for her? If you are then let her know that.

 

Then check in on her from time to time.

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I dont find her to be the "user" type honestly but i agree its a possibility. I do agree I probably put her on a pedestal too quickly, and maybe it was without justification. But the way she handled her personal business with her mom and taking care of her grandma who has alzhiemers and dimensia made me gain a ton of admiration for her.

 

Her and I went through some really emotional moments though. It was so much deeper than juts a caddy little nonsense relationship. It had strong meaning and she really confided in me.

 

I mean i was the only person she talked too a few times per day after her mom died. And that was by her design, not mine.

 

Do you think its just the sexual pressure, or the pressure of having to put on a happy face? She mentioned in her break up text a few times that I"m perfect, were perfect, but she is just a wreck and cannot give anything and feels bad.

 

Any way. Thanks for your reply.

 

I don't think the poster meant she intentionally used you, just that she might have sought comfort in you during a difficult time without realising she was doing it...at least that how I interpreted it. She probably isn't a 'user' but she did need the company.

 

Who knows in regards to what else you asked, all you can do is leave her alone and give her space. She'll either come back or she won't.

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Be a friend to her and let her know that it would be better to just put the relationship on hold and not call it a break up. Let her know that you love her and are there for her if need be.

 

She is grieving and has nothing to give to you right now. Her mom passed away and that loss is huge. She's in pain and needs to grieve without having to be committed or obligated to someone else.

 

You've done nothing wrong.

 

It hurts but respect her choice and give her time and space. Hopefully in a few months she'll be more open to spend time with you and talk.

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When two people are in a relatonship, at some point reality will bite and times will get tough. How the 2 people are during those tough times, is how they really are and shows the strength of their connection.

 

Her mother passed away, this is something we're all going to have to face and is one of the most painful things. Her reaction in the context of the relationship, was to end the relationship.

 

That's the reality between you and her right now, the rest is just excuses. Nothing left to do but walk away, move on and look after yourself.

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