Where I currently stand 7 months post BU, 5 months NC

[LooseEnds]

Hello everyone,

 

First off if I come off as selfish, arrogant, manipulative, delusional, hypocritical I'm really sorry. This is the way I express myself. If you met me in person I'm a very nice guy and sweet and would probably express myself much better in person. I've left out a ton of detail which isn't necessary so most of this will sound disjointed. So sorry in advance and thank you for reading:)

 

I'm going to be brutally honest, I miss my ex girlfriend on an obsessional level. It's been close to 7 months since BU and 5 months NC. I screwed up the relationship hardcore. She wasn't perfect by any means but it was mostly due to my insecure and weak behavior that pushed her into the arms of her male "friend." Last I heard she moved in with him.

 

The problem was I chased her to get back with me one week after I initiated the breakup. By this time she wanted nothing to do with me and told me to never contact her again. This crushed me and sent me into panic mode if you know what I mean (BIG MISTAKE).

 

What scares me is I know logically that we're over but my heart simply won't let her go no matter how hard I try. I know they say closure comes from within but this isn't working for me at all. I feel like I have absolutely NO CLOSURE. I cried so much on my own time in the first few months, punched my steering wheel in rage and eventually fell into major depression and even started having panic attacks which I haven't had in years. But I'm over that phase now. Now I'm just more in silent mourning.

 

But it just kills me to accept that I'll never talk to her again. It's like a part of my soul is still with her. My whole reality in the last 7 months has been a ghost of me. On the outside I seem normal but inside I'm just a shell of myself; lost, confused, disbelief, lonely, scared. This is no way to live. I'm definitively exhibiting PTSD. It's like I'm not coming to terms that it's over and I really want it to be over. Honestly.

 

I know it's silly but in the back of my head I can't help but think maybe the Universe it punishing me. I know this isn't the case when I'm feeling somewhat normal but I can't help but think this especially when I'm knee deep in thought. I know I'm a good person deep down inside. I try my best to do positive things to people. I compliment people. I talk to people on a genuine human level. I give advice. I make people smile. I donate money that I can afford to those in need. I donate clothes to homeless so it's like I'm a good person and I deserve happiness/karma.

 

And honestly I'm not saying all this to garner sympathy because I'm the type that doesn't believe in boasting your good deeds. Good deeds should be done from the heart but the ONLY reason why I'm mentioning it here is because I believe in karma. And because of this I would've hoped that I had banked enough good karma to perhaps help me to get over this, or meet someone better but it simply isn't the case and it makes me sad. I know this is not the right mindset but it's just what I'm feeling.

 

I'm a driver so the worst part of my job is I have nothing but time, while driving, to think about all the things I screwed up on and what I could've done different. It's a viscous and endless loop that constantly plays in my head over and over and over and over again and I can't stop. The guilt, the regret is almost unbearable so much so that I have to stop work and drive back home some times because I get so depressed. My heart cramps from tension and stabbing feelings. I guess this is called pangs?

 

I'll start my day off fine but throughout the course of the day suddenly I catch myself once again thinking about what we once had and how I pretty much screwed it all up. Then, misery. I just get so caught up in my own thoughts of misery, in such vivid detail, that overwhelming guilt and regret drapes over me like a dark, windy thunderous storm raging in my head. It's scaring me now because it's not going away and it's been 5 months full NC! I know everyone takes different times to heal but hot dam, 5 months!? I've been in quit a few relationships and never, ever have I ever felt anything CLOSE to this. This is insane!!!

 

I feel I've done so much to work on myself to be a better person and I have but mentally the whole experience has really gotten to me on a very deep level. I know I'm being totally hard on myself. I guess most of my problem lies in the fact that I feel I won't ever meet someone as beautiful and vulnerable as her.

 

All I dream and wish is for her to text me. I know things will never be the same especially after I found out she moved in with her male "friend" She's very sexual so I know what's going on there but the thought that I lost her to this guy is eating me up inside. I wish he was never in the dam picture. I feel so absolutely powerless, vulnerable, envious, jealous, insecure, anger, lonely. And just when I thought I was making progress mainly due to the fact that I listen and read a lot of self-help, I still fall back into this endless loop of negative thoughts and emotions. It's like a vortex or gravitational pull that has a hold on me so powerful that I feel it's sucking me in as it tears the fabric of my being.

 

I just get so jealous that this beautiful woman that I was so attracted to and cared for and who was so in to me at one point is now with this other dude. It's not like I was 100% at fault here and part of me is upset that she wouldn't at least take some responsibility but of course she's not going to because I chased her and this probably boosted her ego and made her feel that she wasn't at fault at all, after all, I chased her. (BIG MISTAKE)

 

Another part of me is upset that she has all the power. She lost so much respect for me because of the way I handled the end of our relationship. As I said I chased her, texted and did a little bit of begging and pleading and simply didn't respect her space and the truth is this isn't who I am.

 

I'm so ashamed and embarrassed for the way I acted when I think back. I cringe and just SMH. I gave her all the freedom and space during the course of our relationship. I never told her what to do, what to wear or any of that. I was cool, confident, manly but on occasion, looking back, I would remember from time to time acting a little needy here and there and took her for granted and I guess over time she lost attraction towards me until finally after my meltdown she just easily walked away.

 

The thing is I know my chances of getting back with her is slim to non. I feel deep down she's lost all respect and love for me and that she's now involved with this other guy who has her complete attention. He has a nice place by the beach where she loves being btw and he's got a good job so she's in cloud 9. She also did and said things to me the last we spoke that was absolutely hurtful and I didn't deserve and yet I still want her. I still yearn for her. I still crave her, like a drug. Yes, I've read up on how the brain chemicals work during and after breakups so I'm fully aware the withdraws are the equivalent of needing crack but man, it's been 5 months of FULL NC and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

 

I still, almost every night masturbate to my ex. She has, in my mind, been formed as a sex Goddess. I sometimes can smell her, taste her and just imagine ripping her clothes off and having mad passionate and lustful sex with her. I've never been more horny in my life. It's like the primitive side of me is coming out like a wild beast and I can't contain it. I'll masturbate some times 3 or 4 times a day.

 

I've been watching porn for years but now when I watch porn all I think about is her and how much I used to love looking deep into her beautiful green eyes while kissing and penetrating her. I used to love just wrapping my whole body around her just to feel more of her just before ejaculation that it would drive me mad wild when I did release. Man, how I miss her, lol. Sorry, I know I'm getting really detailed here but I'm just being honest. I also miss spending time with her but what makes me said is I didn't get to really know her more and have fun when this was what she was really wanting. I stupidly took her for granted sadly.

 

I still want my ex back, if anything to prove to her I'm not the old me. Even though I'm not over her believe me I would never, EVER act out my old ways EVER again. I know now where I went wrong where as before I was mostly oblivious to my inability to maintain a balanced relationship. I really did do a lot of reading on this. In fact, I wouldn't mind if her and I were just friends. So as long as we open up dialogue, something, anything hopefully over time develop something new and healthy in hopes to regain her attraction towards me.

 

I just want her back into my life. I just feel this isn't over otherwise I would've moved on already. I know I might be delusional right now but I'm just being honest. You guys might say that this is probably the sole reason why perhaps I'm not moving on and you might be right but something is holding me hostage to her. My thoughts on this is that the only way I can truly move on is if I either 1.) Ride out this mental anguish over time, alone, in hopes that one day I'm whole again. 2.) Meet someone else who I'm compatible with on all levels and start a new life. 3.) Get back my ex at least on a conversational level and build something from there. These are my ONLY 3 options that I can see that could help me to move on. So far me meeting someone else has been abysmal, me being alone with my thoughts is proving to be at times unbearable and hooking up back with her seems almost impossible.

 

I guess I need your advice folks, anything, to make me feel better because I'm still a mess guys. Therapy might be hard for me now because I simply can't afford it. But I have been reading a lot about the mind, relationships, codependency so on and so forth. Are these constant thoughts of my ex normal? If you went through this how long after did you finally move on? What were your thoughts of your ex? Were they similar to mine? If so, what were they? What were the action steps you took that helped you to move on? What books changed the course of your thinking? Did you meet someone that helped you to move on? Did you seek out therapy and did therapy help you to finally move on and how long did therapy take for you to finally move on?

 

Thank you for reading and replies guys, I really need your help on this. Blessings:)

[Mi7522]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, if she doesn't want to be with you then there is no chance. I'm going on my third time with my ex, we broke up for 7 months the first time and got back together for a year and a half broke up again for a few months and now slowly working on things.

The one thing we have is a great connection and love for each other, without that you're in no mans land with no chance

[jamili]

Sad story, very detailed. Many of us feel the pain you are feeling. My advice is to maintain NC with your ex, and try to date other girls. You admitted "chasing" her and not giving her space pushed her away. Well, more of a reason to maintain strict NC. Maybe after many more months or years of NC she will wonder what you are up to, or appreciate the strength and respect you have shown by maintaining NC, and will reach out, you never know. But you need to stop idolizing your ex. You need to understand she wasn't a sex "goddess", she isn't the end all be all of women on this earth. Hard to swallow right now but she is a normal human being, one that you loved. You need to start putting yourself onto a pedestal instead of her. Valuing yourself is attractive and you have to believe you can do better, and continue onward. Sounding cliche and all, but its true.

 

And if your ex ever does come back around someday... the last thing you want to be is onsessed with her and treating her like she's a goddess. You will blow it. You need to be prioritizing yourself or she will be repelled immediately. She has to be drawn to you, and that requires you to become a beacon of self-love and confidence.

 

Also, keep in mind, 5 months of NC is not that much. How many times do you hear about exes successfully reconciling at anything less than 6+ months of NC? Not many.

 

 

I'm so ashamed and embarrassed for the way I acted when I think back. I cringe and just SMH. I gave her all the freedom and space during the course of our relationship. I never told her what to do, what to wear or any of that. I was cool, confident, manly but on occasion, looking back, I would remember from time to time acting a little needy here and there and took her for granted and I guess over time she lost attraction towards me until finally after my meltdown she just easily walked away.

 

That doesn't sound that bad.. I doubt it's what caused the breakup. A little neediness here and there isn't going to make someone fall out of love with you.

 

Another part of me is upset that she has all the power. She lost so much respect for me because of the way I handled the end of our relationship. As I said I chased her, texted and did a little bit of begging and pleading and simply didn't respect her space and the truth is this isn't who I am.

 

Texting and doing a little bit of begging/pleading is pretty natural immediately following a breakup with someone you loved. Doubt you did enough damage to push her away forever. The dumpees that never let up, keep pushing, showing up at her job with flowers and a boombox, etc. that's the kinda stuff that will destroy your chances. This doesn't sound that bad dude. You have been NC for 5 months, that's solid, not a lot of guys can do that. It shows strength and independence. I wouldn't think the way you acted immediately following the breakup is what you'll ultimately be judged on... it will be how you treated her during the entire relationship.

Edited January 16, 2017 by jamili

[LooseEnds]

Sad story, very detailed. Many of us feel the pain you are feeling. My advice is to maintain NC with your ex, and try to date other girls. You admitted "chasing" her and not giving her space pushed her away. Well, more of a reason to maintain strict NC. Maybe after many more months or years of NC she will wonder what you are up to, or appreciate the strength and respect you have shown by maintaining NC, and will reach out, you never know. But you need to stop idolizing your ex. You need to understand she wasn't a sex "goddess", she isn't the end all be all of women on this earth. Hard to swallow right now but she is a normal human being, one that you loved. You need to start putting yourself onto a pedestal instead of her. Valuing yourself is attractive and you have to believe you can do better, and continue onward. Sounding cliche and all, but its true.

 

And if your ex ever does come back around someday... the last thing you want to be is onsessed with her and treating her like she's a goddess. You will blow it. You need to be prioritizing yourself or she will be repelled immediately. She has to be drawn to you, and that requires you to become a beacon of self-love and confidence.

 

Also, keep in mind, 5 months of NC is not that much. How many times do you hear about exes successfully reconciling at anything less than 6+ months of NC? Not many.

 

 

 

 

That doesn't sound that bad.. I doubt it's what caused the breakup. A little neediness here and there isn't going to make someone fall out of love with you.

 

 

 

Texting and doing a little bit of begging/pleading is pretty natural immediately following a breakup with someone you loved. Doubt you did enough damage to push her away forever. The dumpees that never let up, keep pushing, showing up at her job with flowers and a boombox, etc. that's the kinda stuff that will destroy your chances. This doesn't sound that bad dude. You have been NC for 5 months, that's solid, not a lot of guys can do that. It shows strength and independence. I wouldn't think the way you acted immediately following the breakup is what you'll ultimately be judged on... it will be how you treated her during the entire relationship.

 

Jimili you are too kind my friend. Your words truly made me feel better even though I know all the signs point to her not contacting me for a long, long time. I have truly done a lot of work on myself and I can honestly say I'm a much better man now. I do try my best to not put her on a pedestal but it's so hard man because of the fact that I screwed up the relationship and I'm regretting it big time. It's the regret is what's killing me. The regret. The regret. I tell my self to let it go, just let it go. The past is the past. I made a mistake and I can learn from it but for some odd reason I keep reverting back to me clinging on to hope of her return. The reason why I'm so attached to her is because I feel I won't meet anyone as attractive and vulnerable.

 

The fact that I acted needy, weak, called her, text her, begged, pleaded is what's eating me up inside because had I NOT done those things we just might have gotten back together but instead I made myself to look like an absolute fool and she probably thinks of me as such a loser and turnoff. I mean I was out of my mind for acting like that. I'm so embarrassed and shamed. But it's obvious I'm still in love with her and because of this what she thinks of me matters. I didn't want to go down like this. I gave up all my power to her and my self-esteem is totally shot.

 

Now, had I not cared about her as much, I wouldn't have cared what she thought of me. It's tough man. Like I said in my earlier post, I've never, ever experienced something like this in my life and I'm 42. It's scary at how much I want this woman's approval. I mean if I could snap my fingers and forget her I would do it in an instant but obviously that's not realistic.

 

I pray that I can meet someone special in my life, I really do. I pray that I meet someone compatible where I can be me and take all the things I did wrong with my ex and apply it to the new relationship. Hey, a man can dream, right?

 

Again, thank you for the wisdom man. These boards can get brutally honest most the times and it's scary to read them but your words served as realistic and encouraging point of view. Thank you so much brother! Blessings:)

Edited January 16, 2017 by LooseEnds