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Do you agree dumpers usually only come back after the dumpee moved on?


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I've been asking friends, family, and some random people about this. Most of them said that their dumper tried getting in contact with them months after the break up, some saying I miss and love you, others with just a simple "Hi." They all had something in common, they all moved on before their dumpers showed interest. It seems it takes at least 4 months, plus the dumpee to move on for the ex to give some interest. I really haven't seen dumpers show interest before that time. The more and more I look into it, the more I prove myself correct. Any stories or opinions to share?

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my ex just contacted me today after ghosting me . Its been nine months.

 

whether they do or not, you should have enough self respect to give them a big NO.

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Every time I am forgetting her...yet also at times I am thinking about her intensely she will contact me in some way.

 

The most over the top was having my phone hacked and her placing a thumbnail of herself on an adult video I had stored on the cloud. Yet, she could not do something as simple and direct as write. (Our breakup was kinda mutual though so ...)

 

 

That said, In general it seems that the exes come sniffing around when they see you moving on for real. I've been that person and had others be it towards me. I think it is in the seeing a door close that makes it happen.

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I don't think there is pattern other than the fact that most people you've had a close relationship with in your life, be it friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc., will reappear sooner or later. The thing is, does that mean anything at all other than they've experienced a little episode of nostalgia?

 

Us dumpers tend to cling to the hope that they'll come back to us some day. And then we heal, time goes by at a normal pace, unlike our darkest hours, and we forget about them and no longer yearn for any form of contact. One day we receive an unexpected birthday message from them and most of us no longer care. And they probably don't care that much, either.

Edited by keiji
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I don't think there is pattern other than the fact that most people you've had a close relationship with in your life, be it friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc., will reappear sooner or later. The thing is, does that mean anything at all other than they've experienced a little episode of nostalgia?

 

Us dumpers tend to cling to the hope that they'll come back to us some day. And then we heal, time goes by at a normal pace, unlike our darkest hours, and we forget about them and no longer yearn for any form of contact. One day we receive an unexpected birthday message from them and most of us no longer care. And they probably don't care that much, either.

 

I think they send us dumpees those birthday, or random texts to see if they still have us. Me personally when I dumped my exes, I did think about trying to go back after a while and sent a simple text just to see if they still cared. I've dumped 3 people, and found interest later on in 2 of them. The other one cheated on me. I have had all of my dumper exes contact me later on too, but I told them to leave me alone. There's a psychotherapist on YouTube named Craig Kenneth with years of studies and experience. I think people should take advice from someone like him before anyone on here. (Unless it's someone as knowledgeable as Craig)

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I have had all of my dumper exes contact me later on too, but I told them to leave me alone.

 

Some have contacted me with unclear intentions too, but that's the key: what do you mean by "later on"? If a dumper contacts you a few months later, there's a chance that they've regretted their decision, although in all honesty, I know very few cases. If it happens years later, I very much doubt they have realized they want us back or even that they want to know whether we're still there for them or not. But you never know, people can be so arrogant.

 

Thanks for the heads up on that therapist. I'll check him out.

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"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them free again 'cause no one else wanted them either"

 

I've never been dumped- I have always been the initiator of my breakups- knock on wood. After a breakup I never, ever renew contact. On the other hand I sometimes hear from people that I dumped (no statistics but I would say far more than half have tried to renew contact)

 

I had a discussion with some women about this and they say they always hear back from the men they dump.. They even take bets about how long it will take the guy. One of these women is now my gf. I told her I do not believe in do overs. If we break up she will not hear from me again. If I run into her I will be friendly but we won't "stay friends" afterward.

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Some have contacted me with unclear intentions too, but that's the key: what do you mean by "later on"? If a dumper contacts you a few months later, there's a chance that they've regretted their decision, although in all honesty, I know very few cases. If it happens years later, I very much doubt they have realized they want us back or even that they want to know whether we're still there for them or not. But you never know, people can be so arrogant.

 

Thanks for the heads up on that therapist. I'll check him out.

 

I see tons of cases of dumpers contacting the dumpee at SOME POINT. Most successful reconciliations happen after a longer period of time, say 6+ months after the BU. This time gives both parties time to heal and improve themselves and mistakes. If they come back too soon, say a month or two later, there's a high chance you two will crash and burn since you didn't have the time to work on yourselves. I might just be lucky and see all of the cases where dumpers come back. You might be unlucky and see very few cases of them coming back. I think if you play your cards right, the chances of them gaining that attraction to you rises significantly.

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Guys are really bad about coming back after you once they see you with a date or hear you're dating. It's all about ego and isn't genuine. They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you and it bruises their ego that you were able to move on. Ladies, never get back together with a guy who dumped you and then shows up with nostrils flaring like a rutting goat as soon as you meet a new man.

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I personally think that it could be less common for male dumpers to come back, for the purpose of reconciliation, than female dumpers. May be wrong.

Edited by MeadowFlower
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I personally think that it could be less common for male dumpers to come back, for the purpose of reconciliation, than female dumpers. May be wrong.

 

If a man or woman loved you, they will come back for much better reasons than just sex. Depends on their personality. If you dated a guy you met at a bar and he's a "f*ck boy" type guy, chances are he wants sex. If you met a truly nice guy and you two had a great connection, he's more likely to want to reconcile. Of course saying men or wonen are more likely to come back is a giant assumption. Everyone is different, i dont think gender plays as big as a role as we think.

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Not really, no. I don't believe any pattern can be ascribed to this.

 

Personally, I've never re-initiated contact with the boyfriends I have broken up with. And that goes even for the ones with whom the relationship had been fine, no cheating or abuse.

 

In other words, when I'm done...I'm done.

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Guys are really bad about coming back after you once they see you with a date or hear you're dating. It's all about ego and isn't genuine. They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you and it bruises their ego that you were able to move on. Ladies, never get back together with a guy who dumped you and then shows up with nostrils flaring like a rutting goat as soon as you meet a new man.

 

I think this is to due with their personality too. I think if you dated a nice guy, and had a good connection, he might think to himself "Damn, I messed up too. Maybe she changed and things can work out." If you dated a f*ck boy, and/or had a bad connection it could be a lot more so their ego and sex. Saying ALL MEN do this is too far. Some men do that, not all.

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Not really, no. I don't believe any pattern can be ascribed to this.

 

Personally, I've never re-initiated contact with the boyfriends I have broken up with. And that goes even for the ones with whom the relationship had been fine, no cheating or abuse.

 

In other words, when I'm done...I'm done.

 

What were the reasons you broke up with some of them?

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What were the reasons you broke up with some of them?

 

Because I knew there wasn't a future. Either I had fallen out of love, or I saw that we were headed in different directions in our lives.

 

I have never dumped someone without first giving it serious thought and doing what I could to make things work. But when I knew it wasn't going anywhere, I ended it. And I haven't looked back, even after several years.

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I initiated contact with one old boyfriend after about 25 years apart. Found him on a school friends website (before Facebook). I had zero intentions of trying again - I just wanted to see how he was doing after all these years.

 

As far as catching up with any other exes? Nope.

 

Anyway, the title of your post suggests that dumpers come back after the dumpee has moved on. Now, if the dumpee has moved on, what is the point of the dumper coming back? True moving on is about not wanting to go back to the past.

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I initiated contact with one old boyfriend after about 25 years apart. Found him on a school friends website (before Facebook). I had zero intentions of trying again - I just wanted to see how he was doing after all these years.

 

As far as catching up with any other exes? Nope.

 

Anyway, the title of your post suggests that dumpers come back after the dumpee has moved on. Now, if the dumpee has moved on, what is the point of the dumper coming back? True moving on is about not wanting to go back to the past.

 

It's just something I have noticed.

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I think this is to due with their personality too. I think if you dated a nice guy, and had a good connection, he might think to himself "Damn, I messed up too. Maybe she changed and things can work out." If you dated a f*ck boy, and/or had a bad connection it could be a lot more so their ego and sex. Saying ALL MEN do this is too far. Some men do that, not all.

 

I didn't say all guys did it. Most of them never do come back. And you're wrong if you think only players would do it. Men are often driven by competition, but it won't cure a broken relationship.

Edited by preraph
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I've been asking friends, family, and some random people about this. Most of them said that their dumper tried getting in contact with them months after the break up, some saying I miss and love you, others with just a simple "Hi." They all had something in common, they all moved on before their dumpers showed interest. It seems it takes at least 4 months, plus the dumpee to move on for the ex to give some interest. I really haven't seen dumpers show interest before that time. The more and more I look into it, the more I prove myself correct. Any stories or opinions to share?

 

My ex did come back after she discoverd that I was dating another girl. She loses her mind and text me at 1:30 am, invited me for a coffee and asked if we can back together. We did and six months later she BU again. She is very imature (as her sister and her father said to me), she drastically change her lifestyle, and didn't talk to me. After two months (a week ago, btw) she talked to me and I gave her short answers and she keeps asked me things. Her last question I answered in next morning and she answared but asked me nothng more (maybe she felt loneliness at that time and it goes away).

 

 

Ironic part: She did it after I started to see another girl (even she didn't know that part). Coincidences are very unexpected and sometimes funny.

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If a man or woman loved you, they will come back for much better reasons than just sex. Depends on their personality. If you dated a guy you met at a bar and he's a "f*ck boy" type guy, chances are he wants sex. If you met a truly nice guy and you two had a great connection, he's more likely to want to reconcile. Of course saying men or wonen are more likely to come back is a giant assumption. Everyone is different, i dont think gender plays as big as a role as we think.

 

 

But have you noticed a trend of it being usually the female dumpers that come back to reconcile, rather than the male dumpers? From actual examples you've seen, like your friends, or posts.

Not talking about the reason behind the reaching out to reconcile.

Edited by MeadowFlower
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But have you noticed a trend of it being usually the female dumpers that come back to reconcile, rather than the male dumpers?

Not talking about the reason behind the reaching out to reconcile.

 

More men shown interest more often than women. Everyone is different, some people believe in 2nd chances...even 3rd or 4th, some believe in "One and done." How they view things determines a lot too. If they think they can fall back in love is big if you are looking to reconcile too.

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My boyfriend broke up with me and we were apart for about 6 -7 weeks. He came back recently and we have reconciled. I just asked him this morning if being back together feels the same as ladt time and he said no, it feels like we are brand new and starting over. Honestly, the relationship is almost completely different but better in a lot of ways. So, no, there are no hard and fast rules. Each relationship dynamic is different and so are people. I don't know if it will stick, but we are taking it slower this time. It feels right, but we'll see. We communicate constantly about our feelings so that helps a lot. We understand eachother and what eachother needs better than before.

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