Has any dumpee had their dumper show interest after a while?

[projuice]

Just seeing what people's experiences are. Me personally, I've had all of my dumper exes try to get back into contact with me ranging from a simple "Hey" to a "I really f*cked up and I want you back so much!" Really starting to seem like they only want you when you moved on. I see this a lot, if they split from something that's not cheating, abuse, the really bad stuff, then it's a lot more likely the dumper will show interest again. Seems like everyone I know has their exes wanting them back after a while...I will never take someone back who dumped me, if you want to throw me out of your life, then dont bother coming back. If you're a dumpee, move on. It's the only way they will show interest because they will see/sense it (it's like they have special powers to tell when you moved on.) If you think you would like to rebuild a connection with them, give it a shot. You can do what you believe in. People always say "You will never feel the same, EVER" and make massive predictions, I believe if you and your partner put the work in, you'll be better than ever. Thinking things will magically go back to normal is a bad mindset. You have to believe in yourself and build that connection. Just what I think. Every person is different.

[im_derek2]

I hope so...

For my sake and yours...

 

May I ask how old you are?

 

In my situation my ex is 30.

She said in the past she has gone back to her exes and it was a mistake.

She said in our case she would not do that.

It feels like your name is crossed off the list if the dumper maintains that attitude.

[marky00]

Male dumpee.

 

 

5 months NC.

 

 

Around NY, got 2 text messages. One asking me how I am doing. And since I didn't reply, she then wished me a HNY.

 

 

Now this is someone who totally ghosted me back in July.

 

 

I can't get my head around it. She should be so happy I am being strong and trying to surge forwards. But instead she wants to ruin that by contacting me.

 

 

Go figure.

[projuice]

I hope so...

For my sake and yours...

 

May I ask how old you are?

 

In my situation my ex is 30.

She said in the past she has gone back to her exes and it was a mistake.

She said in our case she would not do that.

It feels like your name is crossed off the list if the dumper maintains that attitude.

 

May I ask what you're referring to when out say "crossed off the list". I am 25. Her past attempts going back to her exes probably failed because both of them didn't put in the work on changing and inproving themselves.

[projuice]

Male dumpee.

 

 

5 months NC.

 

 

Around NY, got 2 text messages. One asking me how I am doing. And since I didn't reply, she then wished me a HNY.

 

 

Now this is someone who totally ghosted me back in July.

 

 

I can't get my head around it. She should be so happy I am being strong and trying to surge forwards. But instead she wants to ruin that by contacting me.

 

 

Go figure.

She's showing interest in you. You don't randomly text someone if you aren't interested in them. Do you text that guy you met at the coffee shop if you don't want something from him? No, she is trying to see if you are interested still. If you are, ignoring her is the worst thing you can do. Keep your interest level lower though, if she says "I miss you" respond with "Yea I sorta miss you too". This just gets the point across without making her feel smothered.

[jamili]

She's showing interest in you. You don't randomly text someone if you aren't interested in them. Do you text that guy you met at the coffee shop if you don't want something from him? No, she is trying to see if you are interested still. If you are, ignoring her is the worst thing you can do. Keep your interest level lower though, if she says "I miss you" respond with "Yea I sorta miss you too". This just gets the point across without making her feel smothered.

 

Yea but she dumped him (and ghosted him), I would think she needs to make it more clear than that if she's interested in reconciliation. It might just be an ego stroke thing to see if she still has him on the line at all, and responding might make her disappear forever.

[preraph]

With male exes, they ALL seem to want you back the first time they see you dating, but it's only a knee-jerk reaction. They don't really want you; it just bruises their ego that you moved right on. No matter whether they ever thought they were serious about you, if they slept with you for any length of time, the would prefer no one else ever did. Doesn't mean a thing, really. They're just wishing they had possession over your body like you were a Hot Wheel and no one else could play with you, even if they never will again.

[im_derek2]

May I ask what you're referring to when out say "crossed off the list". I am 25. Her past attempts going back to her exes probably failed because both of them didn't put in the work on changing and inproving themselves.

 

 

She told me that you have to be with someone that loves you the right way.

Of course a successful reconciliation isn't possible unless we both change and that will take time and effort. But she continued, saying that 'true love' happens the first time, and if you have to work on the 'love' then it isn't meant to be (I interpret that as no matter how much you improve, it will still be a second chance).

 

We were both looking for the same thing. Marriage, kids, living here, same interests.

[Been]

Yes usually when their great new SO other turned out not to be so great.

And when they get curious as to how I'm doing without them.

Know how I cut that stuff out?Got a new number.

I wasn't good enough for them so they ran out and got someone "better" then me. And when it blew up in thier face they would contact me for that reassurance of someone still "wanting" them. Took me awhile to figure out that they didn't miss ME it was the comfort/security they missed. Don't fall for that.

[marky00]

Yea but she dumped him (and ghosted him), I would think she needs to make it more clear than that if she's interested in reconciliation. It might just be an ego stroke thing to see if she still has him on the line at all, and responding might make her disappear forever.

 

Yes, this is the exact reason I won't respond.

 

 

So many reasons it could be:

 

 

1) an ego stroke

2) relieve guilt

3) see if I hate her

4) seeking a friendship

5) interested in reconciliation

 

 

The 2 messages she sent me, I am unable to cross of any of these 5 things. Until I get something where I can at least cross off a few more, I just think the risk is too great.

Edited January 15, 2017 by marky00

[Been]

May I ask why she ghosted you?

[jamili]

Im at 4 months NC myself, and last week my ex emailed me a few times - no words in the emails, just a freaking ton of photos of some place she is camping at I guess. This has got to be one of the most obvious "breadcrumbs" around as there isnt even anything said, and i have absolutely no clue what the pictures even are from or what the context is. So i ignored the emails.

 

Similar to Marky, i dont want to risk responding to her, giving her some sort of ego validation, and then disappearing forever as a result. Id rather wait until i get something more personal or concrete, because im actually interested in potential reconciliation. If you ignore the crumbs, it causes them anxiety, and they might miss you more and keep trying. If you respond you risk looking weak and clingy and she could lose interest asap.

[marky00]

May I ask why she ghosted you?

 

Well, I never found out but I assume it was due to a 3rd party.

 

 

We actually broke up start of 2015.

 

 

She contacted me start of 2016 and I found out her new relationship had broken up. We had a long history of like 9 years so I still wasn't over the whole thing.

 

 

In April 2016, we went on a holiday. Guess you could call it a trip of "good will". After holiday we stayed in contact by sms and the odd phone call for a couple of months (she in another country) but by about June/July she started not responding to my texts etc.

 

 

I'm fairly sure, her ex bf came back in some capacity but I didn't want to stick around to find out. So rather than pushing it and asking her what happened, I responded to her ghosting by simply disappearing myself.

[CantEversay]

I might have ****ed up... I don't know.

 

This girl "dumped/abandoned" me right before Christmas. She did it in a pretty bad way too. I will take 50% of the fault just for her sake, even though it really is mostly hers for deciding I wasn't good enough.

 

I didn't think she would ever contact me again. She didn't care to see how I was doing.

 

She ended up contacting me 2 days ago. That's 3 weeks after NC. As soon as I saw her message, my heart started beating. I really didn't know how I should feel but I felt sadness at the time.

 

I just did my best to talk to her how I used to, because I have forgiven her (at least I think I have). She was talking to me in a more sensitive way. Telling me to be strong, and let go.

 

She ended up signing on just to talk to me 3 times within 3 hours. She was supposed to have stop talking to me the 2nd time but the 3rd time she came back in 2 hours and wrote "I can't stop" and didn't finish her sentence.

 

She wanted to go to sleep talking to me, just like how it used to be. She also came back to talk to me last night, before going to sleep.

 

 

I don't know what her intentions are here. I don't know if she's going to talk to me again tonight. I can't talk to her like we used to. I don't want to know what kind of things she's doing if she's not going to fully connect with me.

 

I still feel the disconnection even while talking to her now, it doesn't seem like she REALLY cares.

 

Is she just trying to take this slow? Or could she just be talking to me for Marky's reasons:

 

1) an ego stroke

2) relieve guilt

3) see if I hate her

4) seeking a friendship

5) interested in reconciliation

[projuice]

If you really want to reconcile with your ex, you have to play your cards perfectly to attract them, the slightest f up on your part can just turn into a ego boost on their end. I think if you had a great connection, a happy relationship (before the break up obviously) and give them the space to miss you, the chances of coming back grow tremendously. It does seem the dumper comes around too late (dumpee moved on) most of the time. If you have a positive outlook, positive things will happen. POSSIBLE reconciliations happen a lot more than we think...but SUCCESSFUL reconciliations are a lot more rare since the two partners didn't put in the necessary changes and improvements, then it will fail.

[jamili]

I might have ****ed up... I don't know.

 

This girl "dumped/abandoned" me right before Christmas. She did it in a pretty bad way too. I will take 50% of the fault just for her sake, even though it really is mostly hers for deciding I wasn't good enough.

 

I didn't think she would ever contact me again. She didn't care to see how I was doing.

 

She ended up contacting me 2 days ago. That's 3 weeks after NC. As soon as I saw her message, my heart started beating. I really didn't know how I should feel but I felt sadness at the time.

 

I just did my best to talk to her how I used to, because I have forgiven her (at least I think I have). She was talking to me in a more sensitive way. Telling me to be strong, and let go.

 

She ended up signing on just to talk to me 3 times within 3 hours. She was supposed to have stop talking to me the 2nd time but the 3rd time she came back in 2 hours and wrote "I can't stop" and didn't finish her sentence.

 

She wanted to go to sleep talking to me, just like how it used to be. She also came back to talk to me last night, before going to sleep.

 

 

I don't know what her intentions are here. I don't know if she's going to talk to me again tonight. I can't talk to her like we used to. I don't want to know what kind of things she's doing if she's not going to fully connect with me.

 

I still feel the disconnection even while talking to her now, it doesn't seem like she REALLY cares.

 

Is she just trying to take this slow? Or could she just be talking to me for Marky's reasons:

 

1) an ego stroke

2) relieve guilt

3) see if I hate her

4) seeking a friendship

5) interested in reconciliation

 

The reason why people like Marky have these fears is because we have read countless, COUNTLESS stories on here, other forums/websites, and personal stories IRL... and it always seems that once you start reciprocating the desire to communicate/text back/etc., they suddenly disappear forever. We can only assume it's because they were looking for some sort of validation to help them feel like you "need" them, and then they might subconsciously see you as weak and unworthy of them, and disappear. I'm sure there are probably stories out there where responding to breadcrumbs have led to reconciliation...but if there are, I haven't come across any myself. However, I have read plenty of stories of guys ignoring their exes breadcrumbs, and the ex eventually cracking after some time with a "omg I miss you and want you back, I'm so sorry, I messed up!!!!".

 

See, it's not like they are doing it consciously most of the time. It's not like they are "playing games" to be sinister or manipulative. It's just that when they dumped you, whether they were aware of it or not, they likely didn't see the value in you, they thought they could do better or that you aren't worthy of them. By ignoring them, you are taking that power back, and showing them that you believe you DO have value (confidence), and that you aren't going to waste any time with someone who decided to toss you out so easily and risk losing you forever. It's like owning a car, selling it for cheap because you thought it was worthless..and then a few months later the car goes up in value and is worth twice what you paid, and you think "damn! I wish I held onto that thing, if only I had known it was as valuable as it ended up being". Kind of a lame analogy, but you get the point.

 

It's also human nature to want what we can't have, or what we once had. And you can only truly appreciate/miss something you had, if it's actually gone. If you ignore the dumper, they will be forced to cope with the fact that they may NEVER speak to you ever again. Maybe when they dumped you they didn't really think about that or plan for that. Now they are FORCED to live with that decision, with you basically disappearing from existence, like a death, and it can really get them thinking about the relationship and about you, nervous as to whether they really made the right decision, because any chance at reconciling with you might be slipping away forever. This might cause them to appreciate the things they overlooked, and see value in you that they previously hadn't really paid attention to. In short, this could make them super anxious, and panic! This is good.

 

Same thing if it is just an ego stroke thing. That same insecurity, that same ego, will take a major hit if you don't respond. And as @#$%ed up as it is, this can cause attraction, because they ego wants that validation so badly.

 

Ignoring also shows you are a strong, confident, person.. a man who makes a firm decision and sticks to it. This is the type of man women are attracted to. This man won't take scraps from people, he knows his worth, he has enough emotional strength to move on and put the past in the past. You don't need to accept crumbs from an ex, because you are now looking out for numero uno, and you can find another woman who is better than her who will appreciate your value, so you won't waste time on one that rejected you. It shows you RESPECT yourself, and that will in turn earn your respect from her! This is key, because she likely doesn't respect you enough at this point - which could be why she left you.

 

Now think about this - if you respond to her, you RISK ruining ALL of that stuff I just said. I'm not saying it's 100% definite - but you could look weak, you could look needy, and you could look like you aren't confident in yourself, or that you aren't a firm and decisive man. This could reaffirm the reason she chose to leave you in the first place, as she was seeking a stronger, more confident male. If you want her back, you don't want her to think these things!!! At BEST, this will land you in the friendzone. At worst, she will disappear forever and never contact you again, not even breadcrumbs.

 

That's the whole theory behind this.

Edited January 15, 2017 by jamili

[marky00]

^^ This post by Jamli.

 

 

Also, it takes someone quite a while to leave a relationship.

 

 

By that same logic, it will take quite a while to second-guess that decision.

 

 

It's hard ignoring someone you want to be with but you simply have to do it. Your actually doing you and your dumper a favour. You teaching her and you how to behave correctly and being able to "teach" is attractive behaviour.

[Nadine123]

The reason why people like Marky have these fears is because we have read countless, COUNTLESS stories on here, other forums/websites, and personal stories IRL... and it always seems that once you start reciprocating the desire to communicate/text back/etc., they suddenly disappear forever. We can only assume it's because they were looking for some sort of validation to help them feel like you "need" them, and then they might subconsciously see you as weak and unworthy of them, and disappear. I'm sure there are probably stories out there where responding to breadcrumbs have led to reconciliation...but if there are, I haven't come across any myself. However, I have read plenty of stories of guys ignoring their exes breadcrumbs, and the ex eventually cracking after some time with a "omg I miss you and want you back, I'm so sorry, I messed up!!!!".

 

See, it's not like they are doing it consciously most of the time. It's not like they are "playing games" to be sinister or manipulative. It's just that when they dumped you, whether they were aware of it or not, they likely didn't see the value in you, they thought they could do better or that you aren't worthy of them. By ignoring them, you are taking that power back, and showing them that you believe you DO have value (confidence), and that you aren't going to waste any time with someone who decided to toss you out so easily and risk losing you forever. It's like owning a car, selling it for cheap because you thought it was worthless..and then a few months later the car goes up in value and is worth twice what you paid, and you think "damn! I wish I held onto that thing, if only I had known it was as valuable as it ended up being". Kind of a lame analogy, but you get the point.

 

It's also human nature to want what we can't have, or what we once had. And you can only truly appreciate/miss something you had, if it's actually gone. If you ignore the dumper, they will be forced to cope with the fact that they may NEVER speak to you ever again. Maybe when they dumped you they didn't really think about that or plan for that. Now they are FORCED to live with that decision, with you basically disappearing from existence, like a death, and it can really get them thinking about the relationship and about you, nervous as to whether they really made the right decision, because any chance at reconciling with you might be slipping away forever. This might cause them to appreciate the things they overlooked, and see value in you that they previously hadn't really paid attention to. In short, this could make them super anxious, and panic! This is good.

 

That's the whole theory behind this.

 

wow you have no idea how I needed this right now.

[Sweetfish]

The reason why people like Marky have these fears is because we have read countless, COUNTLESS stories on here, other forums/websites, and personal stories IRL... and it always seems that once you start reciprocating the desire to communicate/text back/etc., they suddenly disappear forever. We can only assume it's because they were looking for some sort of validation to help them feel like you "need" them, and then they might subconsciously see you as weak and unworthy of them, and disappear. I'm sure there are probably stories out there where responding to breadcrumbs have led to reconciliation...but if there are, I haven't come across any myself. However, I have read plenty of stories of guys ignoring their exes breadcrumbs, and the ex eventually cracking after some time with a "omg I miss you and want you back, I'm so sorry, I messed up!!!!".

 

See, it's not like they are doing it consciously most of the time. It's not like they are "playing games" to be sinister or manipulative. It's just that when they dumped you, whether they were aware of it or not, they likely didn't see the value in you, they thought they could do better or that you aren't worthy of them. By ignoring them, you are taking that power back, and showing them that you believe you DO have value (confidence), and that you aren't going to waste any time with someone who decided to toss you out so easily and risk losing you forever. It's like owning a car, selling it for cheap because you thought it was worthless..and then a few months later the car goes up in value and is worth twice what you paid, and you think "damn! I wish I held onto that thing, if only I had known it was as valuable as it ended up being". Kind of a lame analogy, but you get the point.

 

It's also human nature to want what we can't have, or what we once had. And you can only truly appreciate/miss something you had, if it's actually gone. If you ignore the dumper, they will be forced to cope with the fact that they may NEVER speak to you ever again. Maybe when they dumped you they didn't really think about that or plan for that. Now they are FORCED to live with that decision, with you basically disappearing from existence, like a death, and it can really get them thinking about the relationship and about you, nervous as to whether they really made the right decision, because any chance at reconciling with you might be slipping away forever. This might cause them to appreciate the things they overlooked, and see value in you that they previously hadn't really paid attention to. In short, this could make them super anxious, and panic! This is good.

 

Same thing if it is just an ego stroke thing. That same insecurity, that same ego, will take a major hit if you don't respond. And as @#$%ed up as it is, this can cause attraction, because they ego wants that validation so badly.

 

Ignoring also shows you are a strong, confident, person.. a man who makes a firm decision and sticks to it. This is the type of man women are attracted to. This man won't take scraps from people, he knows his worth, he has enough emotional strength to move on and put the past in the past. You don't need to accept crumbs from an ex, because you are now looking out for numero uno, and you can find another woman who is better than her who will appreciate your value, so you won't waste time on one that rejected you. It shows you RESPECT yourself, and that will in turn earn your respect from her! This is key, because she likely doesn't respect you enough at this point - which could be why she left you.

 

Now think about this - if you respond to her, you RISK ruining ALL of that stuff I just said. I'm not saying it's 100% definite - but you could look weak, you could look needy, and you could look like you aren't confident in yourself, or that you aren't a firm and decisive man. This could reaffirm the reason she chose to leave you in the first place, as she was seeking a stronger, more confident male. If you want her back, you don't want her to think these things!!! At BEST, this will land you in the friendzone. At worst, she will disappear forever and never contact you again, not even breadcrumbs.

 

That's the whole theory behind this.

 

 

Also to add to this...

 

You should realize the breadcrumb means the dumper has returned to the breakup stage. When he or she dumped you they never really grieved the breakup. So its not until now that they start really looking at what happened and why the relationship didnt work.

 

By this timeout you are a better version of you, but this better version couldn't have happen without the stress of a breakup. So in reality... the breakup should have made you stronger and wiser and overall a better person.

 

If your exe is understress.. do him or her a favor

 

Give the gift they gave you and ignore them. Maybe under stress they will become a better person as well and learn not to take you for granted.

 

S

[CantEversay]

The reason why people like Marky have these fears is because we have read countless, COUNTLESS stories on here, other forums/websites, and personal stories IRL... and it always seems that once you start reciprocating the desire to communicate/text back/etc., they suddenly disappear forever. We can only assume it's because they were looking for some sort of validation to help them feel like you "need" them, and then they might subconsciously see you as weak and unworthy of them, and disappear. I'm sure there are probably stories out there where responding to breadcrumbs have led to reconciliation...but if there are, I haven't come across any myself. However, I have read plenty of stories of guys ignoring their exes breadcrumbs, and the ex eventually cracking after some time with a "omg I miss you and want you back, I'm so sorry, I messed up!!!!".

 

See, it's not like they are doing it consciously most of the time. It's not like they are "playing games" to be sinister or manipulative. It's just that when they dumped you, whether they were aware of it or not, they likely didn't see the value in you, they thought they could do better or that you aren't worthy of them. By ignoring them, you are taking that power back, and showing them that you believe you DO have value (confidence), and that you aren't going to waste any time with someone who decided to toss you out so easily and risk losing you forever. It's like owning a car, selling it for cheap because you thought it was worthless..and then a few months later the car goes up in value and is worth twice what you paid, and you think "damn! I wish I held onto that thing, if only I had known it was as valuable as it ended up being". Kind of a lame analogy, but you get the point.

 

It's also human nature to want what we can't have, or what we once had. And you can only truly appreciate/miss something you had, if it's actually gone. If you ignore the dumper, they will be forced to cope with the fact that they may NEVER speak to you ever again. Maybe when they dumped you they didn't really think about that or plan for that. Now they are FORCED to live with that decision, with you basically disappearing from existence, like a death, and it can really get them thinking about the relationship and about you, nervous as to whether they really made the right decision, because any chance at reconciling with you might be slipping away forever. This might cause them to appreciate the things they overlooked, and see value in you that they previously hadn't really paid attention to. In short, this could make them super anxious, and panic! This is good.

 

Same thing if it is just an ego stroke thing. That same insecurity, that same ego, will take a major hit if you don't respond. And as @#$%ed up as it is, this can cause attraction, because they ego wants that validation so badly.

 

Ignoring also shows you are a strong, confident, person.. a man who makes a firm decision and sticks to it. This is the type of man women are attracted to. This man won't take scraps from people, he knows his worth, he has enough emotional strength to move on and put the past in the past. You don't need to accept crumbs from an ex, because you are now looking out for numero uno, and you can find another woman who is better than her who will appreciate your value, so you won't waste time on one that rejected you. It shows you RESPECT yourself, and that will in turn earn your respect from her! This is key, because she likely doesn't respect you enough at this point - which could be why she left you.

 

Now think about this - if you respond to her, you RISK ruining ALL of that stuff I just said. I'm not saying it's 100% definite - but you could look weak, you could look needy, and you could look like you aren't confident in yourself, or that you aren't a firm and decisive man. This could reaffirm the reason she chose to leave you in the first place, as she was seeking a stronger, more confident male. If you want her back, you don't want her to think these things!!! At BEST, this will land you in the friendzone. At worst, she will disappear forever and never contact you again, not even breadcrumbs.

 

That's the whole theory behind this.

 

TY so much. Everything you said 1000% makes sense. I probably made a mistake in making myself available to her so soon. It's just hard for me because I really love(d) her. How can I ignore her if she was actually reaching out. At this point we have reconciled but underneath it all, it won't be the same as it was before. I don't know if it ever will be because we are both ignoring what happened and I won't be the one to bring it up.

[Been]

You said she ghosted you for a third party?If so may I ask how would you feel comfortable with someone that can just leave you for someone else without even telling you?

[SerPundnes]

I got dumped by ex GF a few months back. I went NC on her after about 3 weeks after BU. We had a talk and she told me she we would never get back together. Have been NC ever since, haven't heard a word from her.

But who knows, maybe she'll come around after 6+ months of NC. Although I shouldn't hope for it.

[jamili]

I got dumped by ex GF a few months back. I went NC on her after about 3 weeks after BU. We had a talk and she told me she we would never get back together. Have been NC ever since, haven't heard a word from her.

But who knows, maybe she'll come around after 6+ months of NC. Although I shouldn't hope for it.

 

Read your story. Definitely don't hope for it, but definitely do keep NC. She thinks you are very needy and the only way to counter that is a LOT of NC and a LOT of improving yourself, including finding better women who are more mature.

[SerPundnes]

Read your story. Definitely don't hope for it, but definitely do keep NC. She thinks you are very needy and the only way to counter that is a LOT of NC and a LOT of improving yourself, including finding better women who are more mature.

 

Thanks for you answer! And thanks for reading my story!

Saw you just posted in my thread!

Edited January 17, 2017 by SerPundnes

[mightycpa]

TY so much. Everything you said 1000% makes sense. I probably made a mistake in making myself available to her so soon. It's just hard for me because I really love(d) her. How can I ignore her if she was actually reaching out. At this point we have reconciled but underneath it all, it won't be the same as it was before. I don't know if it ever will be because we are both ignoring what happened and I won't be the one to bring it up.

BUT, and I can't stress this enough, don't go into it thinking she'll come back. She may very well never come back. That's the attitude to have in this undertaking. Don't make it easy for her to contact you either. Make it difficult. That way, if you hear from her, you'll know that she put some real effort into it. If you don't, you'll know you weren't worth the trouble.