So 8 months later she shows up at my door fml

[Pumpingiron34]

I feel like writing this because i just seen a picture of her and it reminded me of how much i miss her. I know that others out there are going through similar situations and god do i wish you all the luck in the world to make it through. Hopefully sharing my story may help some one because i know the only way i made it this far is reading the stories of others. Ill try to summarize because its a long complicated story.

 

We met she was 16 i was 17. She was my best friends girlfriend who he cheated on with my other best friends girlfriend. So they broke up she came my way. I had sex with her(terrible i know but this is summarized). We fell madly in love almost instantly. We could not simply get enough of each other. She was my first kiss first love first everything. Both proms, pretty much everything you can think of we went through together.

 

Ok so the relationship was great. We had our ups and downs but, we overcame pretty much everything that challenged us and worked around it. We went 4 years strong id say. Then the start of the 4th year it got very rocky. We started fighting on a constant basis. I essentially gave up doing things because i felt like no matter what i did she was never happy or it was not good enough. So it cause me to not put my best foot forward anymore.

 

She started working more and more hours at her job. At her job were her single friends and other girls. Now she started coming home comparing me to others boyfriends and stuff. her boy friend did this, how come you dont do this blah blah blah. Boom, then she hit the magic number 21 around january. this is when it really hit a downward spiral. All of a sudden the onlything on her mind was going out to the bars. Even though our entire relationship she hated drinking with a passion.

 

I did not feel like going out and drinking every night so i told her idc if she goes with her friends i trust her its been nearly 5 years. Then surprize she gets a boob job that she wanted so bad. during this week after the surgery around the end of april, she put me through hell. I know she was in pain but, to me she seemed like she was commanding me to do everything so if i dident she could yell at me. Finally i had enough she hadent had sex with me in over two weeks would barely kiss me but, could yell at me all day. So i said dont bother coming over tonight your nasty to me. She said fine i never will again. Now i thought this was an ordinary fight we would get over in a day or two but i was dead wrong lol.

 

She blocked me everywhere phone, Facebook everything. I thought it was a joke kinda we had a 4000 dollar cruise planned in a month. She was in my college class and just ignored me as if i dident even exist. finally a week later i called her crying(dont make that mistake). She said i can go on the cruise with her as a friend, she doesn't love me anymore, she wants a guy she can drink with, who buys her things and doesn't go to the gym all the time. I was shattered she was so nasty i dident even know who i was talking to. She mailed my portion of the cruise money back to me.

 

So low and behold, that was it i went no contact for the first month. Found out she was hooking up with some dude at the club. I broke it exactly at exactly at a month i could not do it i missed her so dam much.(dont make that mistake either) Well she sucked me into a nightmare of crazy for the worst week of my entire life that im still scared from. She came over at like 2 am from a bar wasted multiple nights in a row. The one night she had sex with me and told me not to catch feelings for her, asking if id go away now. I could not believe who i was even with

 

4th of july i guess it was i went out to the bar with my friends and seen her. Of course i lost it and begged for her love. instead she humiliated me infront of her friends and said now shes so hot she can get any guy she wants. i was so hurt i cant even explain the feeling. The next day she stopped by my house thanked me for stupid flowers i sent a week prior and apologized for what happen being drunk with her friends. She said dont worry ill be back someday im just having fun with my friends.

 

The day after i begged her again, she came picked me up and drive me around telling me how fd up she was getting tonight, about all these dudes wanting her. Me and her will never be together again she feels nothing for me. She said your in pain but you'll get over it. again i was crushed. So next morning i wake up to 10 missed phone calls and 30 txt messages. shes in the hospital please come there(she drank her self to black out). so like a stupid sucker bitch i did. thinking it would save us. Well instead when she was better she hopped in her friends car laughing about the night as i drove away alone and used again. That night i asked if we could hang out and she ducked me. We had our final curse out and that was the end.

 

A week goes by and guess what she has a new boyfriend. Who shes all over social media with in bed. lol nice. This time i dident give in i said **** that. An ex heroin addict no license and what not. So ive been 7 months no contact since like june 20th 2016. broken up since early may. theres been one form of contact she randomly texted me hi about one month ago. i wrote back hi and that was the end of that. I nearly miss her every single day of my life and sometimes the pain is still so intense. The betrayal and switch of character was so indescribable. i was so close to her family and she was close to mine. we spent so much time together but it was like a totally new person and i was nobody to her any longer. I even found out she had sex with one of my friends when we broke up and god knows how many other dudes.

 

Moral of the story, be careful who you fall inlove with because this pain seems like it will never go away. I've given up hope of reconciling bc how could I ever? but at the same time id saw my foot off to go back in time. Hell, id like maybe even like her to come back and at least try to get me back for some satisfaction at some point but i doubt that to considering how she nuked the relationship. The amount of stuff gifts and things i did for her in those first 4 years kills me because in the end, it dident even matter. Im still mentally screwed but ive come along way since month one. My confidence is slowly coming back but at times theirs a feeling of emptiness and worthlessness nearly takes me to my knees. im going to solider on though. my hands goes out to those who are going through a break up worst year of my entire life.

[Miss Clavel]

your ex is an alcoholic. end of story. keep running. don't look back you are not going that way.

 

 

good luck.

[spideywoman]

i like how mature you are (or at least sound) at your age. hats off to you man. you'll be ok. i promise it'll pass, you'll just have to continue to forge through it.

 

valuable lessons for you here and i hope you remember them. never settle for unacceptable behavior or for anything less than you deserve.

[Been]

Don't ever take back someone that cheated on you -it will never be the same.

[keiji]

She sounds incredibly cruel. I think sometimes we mistake "missing" for something else I can't quite define. Whenever I've been betrayed or mistreated, the pain/longing has seemed to drag on for much longer. Perhaps subconsciously we would like to be given the chance to take revenge, I don't know. In any event, she's not worth your time. Keep working on yourself and your healing and stay as far away from her as possible.

[Pumpingiron34]

i like how mature you are (or at least sound) at your age. hats off to you man. you'll be ok. i promise it'll pass, you'll just have to continue to forge through it.

 

valuable lessons for you here and i hope you remember them. never settle for unacceptable behavior or for anything less than you deserve.

 

She sounds incredibly cruel. I think sometimes we mistake "missing" for something else I can't quite define. Whenever I've been betrayed or mistreated, the pain/longing has seemed to drag on for much longer. Perhaps subconsciously we would like to be given the chance to take revenge, I don't know. In any event, she's not worth your time. Keep working on yourself and your healing and stay as far away from her as possible.

 

It is nearly impossible to not mature after experiencing something so intense. Considering it was my first relationship and i let my self fall for her way to hard you can say. I always knew she was just a tad bit off but, I loved her anyway. She was of course beautiful. I thought she loved me to but, no way i can even believe that anymore. I spent nearly every day of my life with her for 5 years. I can say at least 4 of those 5 year i bent over backwards for her. I only withdrew from the fifth year because it was like she always wanted more and better. I sorta seen an ending coming or a turn around but, a straight heart ripping knife twist i did not at all. Cruel? does not even describe. I could not do what she did even if i hated her with a burning passion. I mean if i cheated on her or something i can see maybe but, i never did not even close. I get it, maybe you lose attraction after 5 years ok it happens. Does that mean you try to annihilate somebodies existence? was i having sex with a praying mantis lol? She did not have sex with these guys because of the its her body speech. I get that i dont care but, it was more than 99 percent an attack at me. I guess some people can just be so low thats life. While she wallows around with her new boyfriend dandy, ill be fighting through the pain. I guess pain = growth. For those out there reading this i wish you the best beyond anything. You can heal a physical wound but, these emotional wounds are not easy to heal. Ive since hooked up with other woman and what not(which took about 700 failed attempts for those wondering after an ltr your game is prolly so terrible and you prolly come off as clingy to every single chick you meet, what ever f em your healing). It helps i guess temporarily. The problem is i dont miss sex, i just miss what i had with her at one point. The question that wrecks me is was a 5 year bond really worth throwing away over going to the bar with your friends because you turned 21. No. thanks guys!

[marky00]

Some women won't like me saying this but I find that women break it off they kind of like it when the guy is semi-destroyed and damaged. It seems to help them move on faster and easier.

 

 

It may not be intentional but rather just a sub-conscious thing but I have experienced a few times myself where an ex gf will contact me 2 or 3 times after a breakup and try and get a rise out of me because on the first occasion I handled the breakup with dignity.

 

 

So yeah, it might just be she wanted to burn the house and blow up the bridge so she doesn't need to think about what-ifs etc.

[Pumpingiron34]

yea my story is prolly posted on here like 80 times but, it took another loop. 5 year relationship she dumped me. Destroyed to peices. She hooked up with one of friends then, started dateing some other guy for the last five months. Than it takes a turn no contact for 7 months. 19 missed phone calls the other day i ducked them. Then guess who shows up at my door at 9 at night her. It was like seeing a ghost. I am now so confused of everything. i just kept asking her what she was here for and she kept saying closure but, thats a big ol lie. She just kept trying to tell me shes not a bad person and crying and what not. i told her how much pain she caused to my life when i did nothing to her and she cryed some more. How i wanted to spend my life with her and she said well you dont know where life is going to bring us. Now my heads in a big ol mess thanks life!

[jamili]

yea my story is prolly posted on here like 80 times but, it took another loop. 5 year relationship she dumped me. Destroyed to peices. She hooked up with one of friends then, started dateing some other guy for the last five months. Than it takes a turn no contact for 7 months. 19 missed phone calls the other day i ducked them. Then guess who shows up at my door at 9 at night her. It was like seeing a ghost. I am now so confused of everything. i just kept asking her what she was here for and she kept saying closure but, thats a big ol lie. She just kept trying to tell me shes not a bad person and crying and what not. i told her how much pain she caused to my life when i did nothing to her and she cryed some more. How i wanted to spend my life with her and she said well you dont know where life is going to bring us. Now my heads in a big ol mess thanks life!

 

Ah, the magic of NC in action. 7 months.. that is why so many people say to stop judging the effects of NC at X weeks, 2-5 months, etc., because if you read "success" stories, it almost always takes longer than 6 months, or even years, for dumpers to start to feel the loss and miss their ex. If it were my ex, there would be serious discussions about her fixing her issues before I would be willing to try again, not just me fixing mine. You both likely had a part in the breakup, and if only you have changed, another breakup could happen fairly easily and swiftly.

 

I can't tell in your post if you are still interested in reconciliation or not at this point. I know many dumpees say they have moved on at 7 months and no longer have interest in their ex. It just depends on you. Personally, I believe most people deserve another shot - and you never know until you try. But that's me.

 

If you are wanting to get back together, I'd say just be careful you "play your cards right" right now, because not to make your nervous but this could easily be botched. This is alien territory for me, better to get advice from someone who has been in that situation, but I'd say just play it cool and take it slow, because running the risk of scaring her off or changing her mind could be possible. Hopefully the 7 months of NC has done good for you too, and you are emotionally calm and clear-headed, so that you can act as normal as possible.

 

I'm happy for you though, seems like you have a really good chance here, if that's what you want. Good luck, and keep us updated!!!

[whatdeww18]

yea my story is prolly posted on here like 80 times but, it took another loop. 5 year relationship she dumped me. Destroyed to peices. She hooked up with one of friends then, started dateing some other guy for the last five months. Than it takes a turn no contact for 7 months. 19 missed phone calls the other day i ducked them. Then guess who shows up at my door at 9 at night her. It was like seeing a ghost. I am now so confused of everything. i just kept asking her what she was here for and she kept saying closure but, thats a big ol lie. She just kept trying to tell me shes not a bad person and crying and what not. i told her how much pain she caused to my life when i did nothing to her and she cryed some more. How i wanted to spend my life with her and she said well you dont know where life is going to bring us. Now my heads in a big ol mess thanks life!

 

So I wanted to read through your initial posts before I wrote anything and I'm glad I did. I think the post above makes sense had it not been that messy of a break up... It's crazy what people can do after a break up and the things they say, a lot of them say things they don't mean but in the pain of it all just let things out. My ex had said some similar things, seems like the attachment to the party and hook up life.

 

Now, what have you been doing these past 7 months in no contact? Have you been healing and moving on? Or been using all the actions and words she's said as fuel for hatred to move on? If it's the latter, I really don't know if a reconciliation, even if that's what she came for, is possible from your end. It really requires you to forgive her for all that she's done and realize you truly love this girl. You will be there 100% for her, going through the good and bad times. She left once, not exemplifying this behavior. You both are young so it's possible she had to do this to understand, whatever, blah blah blah. If you feel like she is being genuine, she won't run the first chance she gets when things get rough, and you have forgiven, it's possible.

 

However, if the pain is lingering from all this, do you and her a favor and just let the closure talk happen and move on. This "reconciliation" with pain will most likely not be all that successful. Of course, if you realize you still do love her and she really does love you, take it SUPER SLOW and let the pain and uncertainties unfold in this time.

 

Wishing you two the best,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[preraph]

This is why on this forum I always discourage people from apologizing to those they've hurt. They're only doing it for themselves. And all it does is pick the hurt one's scab. They're selfish to do that. They have guilt or they just don't want someone judging them, even though they deserve it. I think it's usually the latter or they wouldn't have done what they did to begin with.

[divegrl]

Oh no. This won't end well.

[DarrenB]

I'm unsure of this whole escapade.

 

What people realise (sometimes), is that they let go of something that would have benefited them more than probably most things in a long-term duration. So what do they do? they act out of desperation and make all these sudden gestures in quite a poor attempt to get what they lost back. In a majority of cases, it happens but days, weeks, months, years down the line they will make no genuine attempt to fix what needed resolving and they will continuously provide you the same burden of which they already have done. I'm not trying to reprimand your situation in anyway, but you need to be aware on what her real intentions are.

 

You need to look at the bigger picture. Is it worth going back to the same thing that caused you so much grief and hurt? Is it worth the risk of having her in your life again, just so she can potentially do the same things to hurt you repeatedly? Is there genuine change? Is it worth to perhaps lose all of the progression you have made without her in your life?

 

I sincerely suggest you think about this.

[Pumpingiron34]

I'm unsure of this whole escapade.

 

What people realise (sometimes), is that they let go of something that would have benefited them more than probably most things in a long-term duration. So what do they do? they act out of desperation and make all these sudden gestures in quite a poor attempt to get what they lost back. In a majority of cases, it happens but days, weeks, months, years down the line they will make no genuine attempt to fix what needed resolving and they will continuously provide you the same burden of which they already have done. I'm not trying to reprimand your situation in anyway, but you need to be aware on what her real intentions are.

 

You need to look at the bigger picture. Is it worth going back to the same thing that caused you so much grief and hurt? Is it worth the risk of having her in your life again, just so she can potentially do the same things to hurt you repeatedly? Is there genuine change? Is it worth to perhaps lose all of the progression you have made without her in your life?

 

I sincerely suggest you think about this.

 

Im so unsure of her intentions. I can see the pain in her but, i cant feel bad because shes the one who destroyed us. Ive come so far in nc and honestly have not completely moved on but, i was dam near the finish line.

 

Ah, the magic of NC in action. 7 months.. that is why so many people say to stop judging the effects of NC at X weeks, 2-5 months, etc., because if you read "success" stories, it almost always takes longer than 6 months, or even years, for dumpers to start to feel the loss and miss their ex. If it were my ex, there would be serious discussions about her fixing her issues before I would be willing to try again, not just me fixing mine. You both likely had a part in the breakup, and if only you have changed, another breakup could happen fairly easily and swiftly.

 

I can't tell in your post if you are still interested in reconciliation or not at this point. I know many dumpees say they have moved on at 7 months and no longer have interest in their ex. It just depends on you. Personally, I believe most people deserve another shot - and you never know until you try. But that's me.

 

If you are wanting to get back together, I'd say just be careful you "play your cards right" right now, because not to make your nervous but this could easily be botched. This is alien territory for me, better to get advice from someone who has been in that situation, but I'd say just play it cool and take it slow, because running the risk of scaring her off or changing her mind could be possible. Hopefully the 7 months of NC has done good for you too, and you are emotionally calm and clear-headed, so that you can act as normal as possible.

 

I'm happy for you though, seems like you have a really good chance here, if that's what you want. Good luck, and keep us updated!!!

 

I cant tell if im interested in reconciliation at this point. The pain i was in was nearly unbearable at times. I loved her so much she was my first everything in life. I've just come so far but, still miss her every day. On the other hand i dont even no how to go about reconciliation. Im afraid to reach my hand out just for her to cut it off. Like what if i open up to her and she just shoots it down as some sort of ego boost. I might just go back into no contact and if she shows up one more time maybe ill consider it but, i cant reach out to get hurt ive been through enough im terrified at this point.

 

This is why on this forum I always discourage people from apologizing to those they've hurt. They're only doing it for themselves. And all it does is pick the hurt one's scab. They're selfish to do that. They have guilt or they just don't want someone judging them, even though they deserve it. I think it's usually the latter or they wouldn't have done what they did to begin with.

 

I told her and told her this was a terrible idea i cant forgive her. The only thing showing up did was hurt me more and if you care so much than you should of just stayed away. She said she couldn't because she can sense i was in pain or some bs as her eyes were watering up. O lord plz kill me

[marky00]

My ex gf who ghosted me a while back. We went NC for 6 months and 2 weeks ago. She started texting me.

 

 

Like you, I just don't get it.

 

 

I thought dumpers would be thrilled to see the dumpee is trying to be strong and move on. Yet here is my ex asking me how I am doing an wishing me a HNY.

 

 

How is her asking me how I'm doing help me or benefit me when she can just easily disappear again.

 

WTF?

 

I give up.

 

 

P.S. I know she showed up without warning but if that was to happen again, NEVER tell her how cut up you are from the BU etc. Acting cold or distant would have been the better play. The minute she senses your all butt hurt about it all, she wont feel guilty at all and she will run for the hills.

 

 

You getting angry or emotional at all actually reduces her guilt so be careful with that.

Edited January 14, 2017 by marky00

[bluefeather]

You didn't really say how it ended when she came over. Did you tell her to go away and she left, or did you let her in? Either of those two can say very different things about what you really want for yourself.

[DarrenB]

Im so unsure of her intentions. I can see the pain in her but, i cant feel bad because shes the one who destroyed us. Ive come so far in nc and honestly have not completely moved on but, i was dam near the finish line.

 

And that progress that you've made doesn't have to be interfered with. It will only be made redundant if you allow it to be, like if you allow this particular scenario to stop you in your tracks of moving past this woman and potentially reconciling.

 

I'm not completely against reconciliation, if much for that matter... but what I do understand and have come to realise is that a lot of situations are not worth savoring or salvaging. You go back with hope, only to realise you've made a mistake down the line. Don't let that happen. Seeing as you yourself has made the progress, you understand how difficult it can be. She's made the poor choices, now she can suffer for however long she chooses to. She is irrelevant to you, and she does not deserve you. You, a human deserves the same love, loyalty and care that you would give out. Don't settle for any less.

 

Don't be treated as something to be ridiculed.

[Pumpingiron34]

You didn't really say how it ended when she came over. Did you tell her to go away and she left, or did you let her in? Either of those two can say very different things about what you really want for yourself.

 

no way was i letting her in. I just ok well this was a really bad idea and did nothing good at all and she said she thinks it was a good idea. I said staying far away from my house would of been a good idea. She said just say it and i said what? that i love you? i said yea but, that means nothing at this point. I asked if she wanted a hug and she said she couldn't do that so i said ok just walked inside. Lol goodbye you wack job. Trying to act like she cares about her boyfriend now as shes on her exes door step crying. That poor poor guy is nothing more then a void filler. Even funnier is her still trying to brag about her life. As tears are coming out of her eyes because shes just living a giant lie at this point. Oh, so if everything's so dam good why have you been driving by my house for a week to see if im home and blowing up my phone. Im sorry but, if she showed up as a woman and admitted she loved me and messed up and wanted to see if theirs any way to make it work i would have had so much more respect. Instead she just beat around the bush and for what ever reason has never been able to show me any vulnerability at all. Waste of time next.... nc till her head explodes.

[Pumpingiron34]

I in some sorta sense feel bad but, i cant. Shes the one who destroyed everything and i mean everything. Sure at the end of the relationship i gave up trying to make her happy. Which she continues to blame me for why she did everything but, all of that could of been fixed with out banging a bunch of dudes and trying to bury the five years with booze and partying like it never existed.

[Marc878]

The real eye opener here is you can't seem to move on after being dumped, blocked, etc.

 

Asked to give her a hug? Why?

 

You have much work to do on yourself.

 

Respecting yourself is a good first step.

[Pumpingiron34]

The real eye opener here is you can't seem to move on after being dumped, blocked, etc.

 

Asked to give her a hug? Why?

 

You have much work to do on yourself.

 

Respecting yourself is a good first step.

 

Ive moved on way more than enough. It was the first love of my life. I think being able to go 7 months NC shows something here. Ive banged other chicks. I just happen to have shared a majority of my developmental years with this one so erasing it aint going to work. In that time i never once seized up. I continued going to the gym 6 days a week never stopped once. I turned from a liberal arts major to a chemistry major. I went to work every dam day and college every single day and not missed a single class, going from not even taking college seriously at all. I did all this while pain was gushing out of my insides. I asked if she wanted a hug goodbye because she was kinda just awkwardly standing there so like wtf. I respect myself but, i also happen to be open minded and able to see other people perspectives on life. This allows me to be very forgiving/ understand but, on the other hand really open to being hurt. As much as she destroyed me i loved her at one point in my life and for that ill show respect to her. Why? bc im not her and never will be as cruel as she was i refuse to be. Will i beg her to be with me? not a percent. ive done fine alone but, if she genuinely says it was all a mistake ill bounce around the idea but, that is it.

[bluefeather]

if she showed up as a woman and admitted she loved me and messed up and wanted to see if theirs any way to make it work i would have had so much more respect. Instead she just beat around the bush and for what ever reason has never been able to show me any vulnerability at all.

 

I think it's very mature, the way you can see all of that. Thank you for sharing.

[Pumpingiron34]

This is why on this forum I always discourage people from apologizing to those they've hurt. They're only doing it for themselves. And all it does is pick the hurt one's scab. They're selfish to do that. They have guilt or they just don't want someone judging them, even though they deserve it. I think it's usually the latter or they wouldn't have done what they did to begin with.

 

Oh no. This won't end well.

 

This aint good guys. Seeing her has legit spiraled me backwards at a alarming rate. Im so hurt and still miss her so much. She shouldent have showed up here. im yearning for her so bad i think ive gone insane. Im contemplating finding her and just telling her how much she means to me but, my head is conflicting. I am literally broken all over again.

[Mrlonelyone]

This aint good guys. Seeing her has legit spiraled me backwards at a alarming rate. Im so hurt and still miss her so much. She shouldent have showed up here. im yearning for her so bad i think ive gone insane. Im contemplating finding her and just telling her how much she means to me but, my head is conflicting. I am literally broken all over again.

 

That is all completely normal and OK. None of it means you want a relationship or to reconcile and none of this means you are weak in any way. As you detailed you got on with life. Part of you still cares for a woman you spent some formative years with. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Go NC and in a couple of weeks you'll not even think of her at all.

[bluefeather]

This aint good guys. Seeing her has legit spiraled me backwards at a alarming rate. Im so hurt and still miss her so much. She shouldent have showed up here. im yearning for her so bad i think ive gone insane. Im contemplating finding her and just telling her how much she means to me but, my head is conflicting. I am literally broken all over again.

 

Ah crap.. Remember what you said before. Your first posts in this thread. Seriously I could read a lot of strength in those posts and it is something many of us could learn from.

 

What I mean is that it seems like you realized that the stuff she put you through was not tolerable and you improved yourself a lot because of it. And when she came around attempting to creep back in, you sent her away out of protection and love for yourself because you knew better. Maybe right now you are forgetting so I am trying to remind you to take care of yourself again.

Edited January 17, 2017 by bluefeather