Do I have a problem? :( Thank you!

[babyboo86]

My bf left me a couple of weeks ago after I sent him some really insulting texts.

But let me start from the top. Before we started dating he had warned me he would be super busy at work for the next few months. I didn't really care cause I liked him so we began our relationship. But I soon realised that not only would we see each other every tenth day on average, but a lot of our appointments would get modified or cancelled last minute. I grew anxious because I had a problem believing something would happened almost every time we had to meet. I started growing anxious and guilty because he would message me every morning and night, send me sweet texts, tell me he is fighting for the two of us (mind you, we had just started dating) and I thought I was a bad girlfriend for not understanding. I called him out on his problematic communication a few times, only to get accused of severe insecurity. I was very confused because he seemed to really like me and want his future with me, but then all these cancellations and modifications made me think he was liking the idea of us, not really us. He mentioned a few psychological issues as well, said he had to take his therapy daily and that made him even less able to communicate well. I kind of got that, but even on good days he was quite unresponsive. I had nothing to hold on to. He didn't call, we would see each other so rarely and usually he would be the one deciding the conditions of that meeting and I was getting frustrated. So when he cut another one of our message conversations short, I told him it is not polite to ignore a message. Then he told me he was having one of his episodes (mind you, our conversation ended the day before his episode, therefore it had nothing to do with that). He also told me I was the only one making him feel f**** guilty and if I wasn't the centre of his world I would stir sh** up. I felt so guilty and bad and didn't know what to do so I kind of withdrew for a bit. And then he texted me again cancelling our plans for New Year's. Mind you, I had received this type of text so many times before from him and I just lost it. He did kind of hint at the reason for why he needed to be somewhere else, but I didn't want to listen to it. I called him an idiot, a coward and a liar, I mentioned all the previous times I felt he wasn't honest with me, told him that now I did in fact want him to feel like sh**. This was all done via texts (as again, he never called). After this he accused me of verbal abuse and said he would never get back together with me. My friends tried to comfort me by saying everyone says nasty things when they are angry, but I feel absolutely awful. Like an abuser. Do I need to work on this? Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is awfully manipulative, isn't he?

 

OP, you don't have a problem. You were very angry and disappointed with his behaviour, and frankly, he does sound like a liar.

 

Did you ever go to his house? Dude sounds like he's not single.

[LostConfusedLover]

OP,

 

It doesn't sound healthy. I don't think either of you are in a position to be in a relationship, based off what you told me. Both of you seem to make each other angry more than happy, and in what world is that a good foundation for a future together?

 

Also, you do seem to feel bad about saying nasty things to him. It was an emotional response from you, which everyone is guilty of. However you do feel bad about it and I personally do think you should take some time or see someone to help you work through those issues.

 

If I were you, I'd take a step back and re-evaluate your own life. What makes you happy, talk to your friends, find hobbies. No one will ever love you as much as you love yourself. Not in a narcissistic way but in a healthy way. If you don't love and respect yourself and who you are, how can you expect someone else to do the same?

[basil67]

Agreeing to attempt a relationship with someone who's time is limited does not mean that you HAVE to stay when you've figured out that it's not working for you.

In this case, you should have walked away at the beginning when you realised it wasn't what you wanted. If a guy doesn't agree with you ending it, that's his problem.

 

Don't ever be afraid to walk away from a relationship which isn't working for you. And completely dismiss the unpleasant stuff a person may say when you're ending it.

[babyboo86]

He is awfully manipulative, isn't he?

 

OP, you don't have a problem. You were very angry and disappointed with his behaviour, and frankly, he does sound like a liar.

 

Did you ever go to his house? Dude sounds like he's not single.

 

See, the word manipulative did come to mind, but I met him through a very good friend and he is a very good friend of hers and she had always mentioned what a sweet and honest guy he was. I don't think he has time or effort for another person apart from me, he is a workaholic with a few diagnosed issues, as I said he takes special medication daily. It's more how defensive he would get if I expressed my discontent. Basically, he was trying his best to be there for me (and failed miserably most of the time) and he kept messaging me about how much he was trying. I feel bad because if he does in fact have these issues, I didn't really try to understand them, but then again, he was pretty stingy with the information on what was going on with him and I didn't know what to expect. And no, I had never seen his apartment, but he did take me to his office party and proudly introduced me to all of his friends. I honestly think he liked the idea of me as his gf, but couldn't understand why I was unhappy a lot of the time. I tried to understand the best I could but the situation was getting out of hand. When he accused me of having to be in the centre of his world, I had one of my wtf moments. I barely saw him, never heard from him (on the phone, and our texts became good morning/good night), I know he liked me a lot but clearly his conditions were getting in the way....and that is not my fault.

[babyboo86]

OP,

 

It doesn't sound healthy. I don't think either of you are in a position to be in a relationship, based off what you told me. Both of you seem to make each other angry more than happy, and in what world is that a good foundation for a future together?

 

Also, you do seem to feel bad about saying nasty things to him. It was an emotional response from you, which everyone is guilty of. However you do feel bad about it and I personally do think you should take some time or see someone to help you work through those issues.

 

If I were you, I'd take a step back and re-evaluate your own life. What makes you happy, talk to your friends, find hobbies. No one will ever love you as much as you love yourself. Not in a narcissistic way but in a healthy way. If you don't love and respect yourself and who you are, how can you expect someone else to do the same?

 

I have always had self-confidence issues and true, we did make each other very angry. But he doesn't recognise any of the issues and blames everything that was wrong about our relationship on me. I will definitely work on myself. Thank you. I feel incredibly bad about my reaction, I apologised numerous times and he still won't accept my apology. I had never before talked to anyone like that and I was surprised by my reaction.

[babyboo86]

Agreeing to attempt a relationship with someone who's time is limited does not mean that you HAVE to stay when you've figured out that it's not working for you.

In this case, you should have walked away at the beginning when you realised it wasn't what you wanted. If a guy doesn't agree with you ending it, that's his problem.

 

Don't ever be afraid to walk away from a relationship which isn't working for you. And completely dismiss the unpleasant stuff a person may say when you're ending it.

 

I really should have. He even suggested it a few times but we ended up changing our minds. I ended up saying the unpleasant things though. I feel so bad about them.

[LostConfusedLover]

I have always had self-confidence issues and true, we did make each other very angry. But he doesn't recognise any of the issues and blames everything that was wrong about our relationship on me. I will definitely work on myself. Thank you. I feel incredibly bad about my reaction, I apologised numerous times and he still won't accept my apology. I had never before talked to anyone like that and I was surprised by my reaction.

OP,

 

As long as you've made your peace with your apology (very big of you BTW, to apologize. He didn't necessarily deserve it either), I don't think you should feel bad about it anymore. It's ok to have emotional responses but most of the time they make us feel bad. That's why I'm also working on not always responding with emotions first as I've always done my entire life. It's hard but it's something I look forward to working on getting better.

 

The fact that he blames you for everything also shows emotional immaturity. You deserve better, and I'm glad you recognize it.

 

Also be warned that if he tries to come back saying he's changed or whatnot, it's very doubtful. Based on the issues you've told us he has, it's very unlikely that even 1 year would help him resolve his issues.

 

Best of luck to you OP. You should move on and definitely focus on you, your happiness, your future path.

[preraph]

I have two impressions. One is he's married or got another fuller-time girlfriend. The other is even worse: He's too mental to be able to handle dating.

[ainoviere]

While to his credit he did warn you he would be busy, the question you have to ask yourself is whether what he's offering you is enough to meet your needs.

 

From how you describe your anxiety and how you lost it, you appear to require a certain degree of affection, attention and time and it appears that he's not even close to being able to match that. Don't feel too bad about it, most of us do it, and the fact that you're asking your question shows that you want to be self aware and improve.

 

It seems like the (limited) attention he's giving you is all he is capable and/or willing to give you right now. And from his responses, it doesn't look like it's going to get better any time soon. Rather than commit to do better or at least try to meet you halfway he makes it all about himself and his episodes. Do you want to be the one making all the compromises and doing all the work?

 

Part of working on yourself is recognising what you want out of a relationship and being aware if something is working for you or not. Is this relationship working for you?

[umirano]

If it's true that he's so busy he's not dating material, as he is... too busy to date!

 

If he's hiding something and only pretending to be busy, he's also not dating material.

 

I suggest you start looking elsewhere. Sorry.

[Mrin]

OP's story in food:

 

So the other evening I had this hankering for Beef Wellington. Like was absolutely salivating at the idea of a big beautiful plate of Beef Wellington. I had been going to this Korean restaurant lately where I really like the service. The food was good too. So I went there and sat down at a table. When the waiter came to take my order I said, "I don't want anything on the menu. I want Beef Wellington. Can you make it for me?"

 

The waiter smiled at me and said, "but of course Ms. babyboo86, we will make Beef Wellington for you". I was so excited. I sat there thinking about how good it would taste. After about 20 minutes he returned with my meal. It was a plate of bulgogi with a red wine reduction. NOT Beef Wellington. I told him that this isn't what I wanted as it wasn't Beef Wellington. Somewhat embarrassed, the waiter smiled at me and said, "I am so sorry about that. My mistake. I will return with your Beef Wellington!"

 

I sipped my plum wine and thought about the Beef Wellington. About 15 minutes later my waiter returned and presented me with a new dish. He placed it before me and said, "here is your Beef Wellington!" It was anything but... it was basically a slow cooked short rib, again with the red wine reduction. I was livid. I yelled, "what is this crap! You promised me Beef Wellington and you bring me this! You are a liar!"

 

And with that I threw the contents of my plate onto the floor. I grabbed my plum wine and tossed in the waiter's face. "You are all liars! Liars I say!" and stormed out of the restaurant.

 

What did I do wrong?

 

Hint: Don't go to a Korean restaurant and expect Beef Wellington. When they say they'll make it for you, don't believe them. And when you don't get it, react appropriately.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[umirano]

double post

[babyboo86]

While to his credit he did warn you he would be busy, the question you have to ask yourself is whether what he's offering you is enough to meet your needs.

 

From how you describe your anxiety and how you lost it, you appear to require a certain degree of affection, attention and time and it appears that he's not even close to being able to match that. Don't feel too bad about it, most of us do it, and the fact that you're asking your question shows that you want to be self aware and improve.

 

It seems like the (limited) attention he's giving you is all he is capable and/or willing to give you right now. And from his responses, it doesn't look like it's going to get better any time soon. Rather than commit to do better or at least try to meet you halfway he makes it all about himself and his episodes. Do you want to be the one making all the compromises and doing all the work?

 

Part of working on yourself is recognising what you want out of a relationship and being aware if something is working for you or not. Is this relationship working for you?

 

i understand. it's just that I agreed to seeing him rarely, not to having almost every one of our dates cancelled or modified. Believe it or not I don't really need a guy who will make me the centre of his universe, but I do expect my time to be respected and my complaints not to be taken as attacks. I am a pretty sociable person and have lots of friends and activities, the problem was I was dating someone who was talking marriage and kids while we were nowhere near close to true intimacy and love. It just confused me. He did try to meet me halfway according to him, but yes, clearly we were not mean to be. Thank you again for your kind words.

[ainoviere]

i understand. it's just that I agreed to seeing him rarely, not to having almost every one of our dates cancelled or modified. Believe it or not I don't really need a guy who will make me the centre of his universe, but I do expect my time to be respected and my complaints not to be taken as attacks. I am a pretty sociable person and have lots of friends and activities, the problem was I was dating someone who was talking marriage and kids while we were nowhere near close to true intimacy and love. It just confused me. He did try to meet me halfway according to him, but yes, clearly we were not mean to be. Thank you again for your kind words.

 

We treat people the way we want to be treated. Punctuality and accountability is important to you. Look at his words, not his actions. These don't appear to be important to him. If he can show up to work on time and consistently he's capable do doing the same for you. He just doesn't appear to want to, and to top it off he gets defensive when you try to express your feelings.

 

His behaviour led you to lose it, but then I think many people in the same position would have done the same. From how you describe it I don't think your requests were outrageous at all. Our time is precious and should be respected.

 

Take care in the meantime. One day you'll be thankful you didn't waste too much time on or invest more in something that wasn't working for you.

Edited January 13, 2017 by ainoviere

[babyboo86]

Thank you. I am still doubting whether I was too high maintenace and simply failed to recognise his efforts. One thing I do know, he accused me of making him feel guilty when every time i would hear how much effort he had put in seeing me and how he is pleasantly surprised at how much time he has been able to meet me. I was very confused and kept on feeling guilty because apparently every time when he would have to meet me there were numerous problems.

[CommittedToThis]

only to get accused of severe insecurity.

 

Hi babyboo86,

 

I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation; in my experience, any time someone makes accusations with regard to security/insecurity over a legitimate situation (such as in your case), it's wise to consider dumping them.

 

To belittle or otherwise accuse you of insecurity over his unavailability is, in a word, gas-lighting. He's telling you in no uncertain terms that what you are feeling is wrong.

 

Screw that noise, you know better.

 

In my personal experience, those who accuse others of being insecure are themselves insecure and are usually projecting as a way of self-preservation.

 

Wishing you the best. Trust your instincts. If you smell a fish, go fishing.

[babyboo86]

Hi babyboo86,

 

I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation; in my experience, any time someone makes accusations with regard to security/insecurity over a legitimate situation (such as in your case), it's wise to consider dumping them.

 

To belittle or otherwise accuse you of insecurity over his unavailability is, in a word, gas-lighting. He's telling you in no uncertain terms that what you are feeling is wrong.

 

Screw that noise, you know better.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I am still bothered by guilt though. The truth is, this is a good guy, I know that in my heart. He was just chronically unavailable. Here is the story that got me upset. I had asked him on numerous occasions whether we would be together for his bday (I didn't tell him we had to be, I just asked him if we were going to be) and he said yes. The day before his bday I go around town to find him the perfect present and a card and text him around 3 pm on that day to confirm our plans for tomorrow. He never responds until the morning of the following day. At midnight I had sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday but also telling him I don't know why he is ignoring my messages and we can talk about it later. So when he does finally get back to me the following morning, he is not overly apologetic (to be fair he says he had to work that day and forgot to mention so he did say it was his bad), but continues to preach me on my insecurity. He also told me he had taken some meds the day before which made him unavailable to answer my texts. He also says he doesn't respond well to threats (as I said we would talk about it later). I did not threaten him, it was an innocent word construct, I was simply stating that we should talk about it later. This was the first time I reacted (and what would begin, according to him, the pattern of my behaviour). I told him it is not my fault he had to work, he promised me spending time together for his bday and failed to deliver, or at least let me know he wouldn't be able to meet me for like half an hour of his bday. (we live about ten min by taxi away from each other) He again said it was his bad, but would use this situation later on as an example of how I attack him and later apologise. I am so sorry, but was I being unreasonable?

[elaine567]

YOU need to ask yourself WHY you put up with all this nonsense for so long?

 

You only saw him every 10 days and there were loads of last minute cancellations and cut off conversations and you never saw his home???

A half an hour slot on his birthday, that he couldn't make??

Of course he had another woman, even women.

 

He put you in a box and took you out when he wanted to and got angry when you complained.

When you got really upset and angry regarding his appalling treatment of you, he cut you off dead.

OW are not allowed to dictate.

[babyboo86]

YOU need to ask yourself WHY you put up with all this nonsense for so long?

 

You only saw him every 10 days and there were loads of last minute cancellations and cut off conversations and you never saw his home???

A half an hour slot on his birthday, that he couldn't make??

Of course he had another woman, even women.

 

He put you in a box and took you out when he wanted to and got angry when you complained.

When you got really upset and angry regarding his appalling treatment of you, he cut you off dead.

OW are not allowed to dictate.

 

Thank you for your support. He really did not have other women, he barely had time for me. There were a few last minute cancellations (not loads) but yeah, cut off convos were a thing. He took me to his office party and introduced me to everyone and was the one who insisted on putting our relationship status on social networks, so he didn't really hide he was with me, in fact, he seemed to be very proud of it. The problem was, he was very good with words, but in practice I had a hard time believing his actions which were very confusing (as with his bday). He was definitely terrified of losing me so I didn't really understand why he would act that way. It must have been stronger than him.

[elaine567]

Thank you for your support. He really did not have other women, he barely had time for me. There were a few last minute cancellations (not loads) but yeah, cut off convos were a thing. He took me to his office party and introduced me to everyone and was the one who insisted on putting our relationship status on social networks, so he didn't really hide he was with me, in fact, he seemed to be very proud of it. The problem was, he was very good with words, but in practice I had a hard time believing his actions which were very confusing (as with his bday). He was definitely terrified of losing me so I didn't really understand why he would act that way. It must have been stronger than him.

 

OK so you were "the gf" that still doesn't mean he wasn't seeing other people, even other men. Beard.

His words did not match his actions. No-one who lives 10 minutes away only sees their LT gf only every 10 days.

He was hiding something.

[babyboo86]

OK so you were "the gf" that still doesn't mean he wasn't seeing other people, even other men. Beard.

His words did not match his actions. No-one who lives 10 minutes away only sees their LT gf only every 10 days.

He was hiding something.

 

Thank you for your support. Again, a hundred percent sure didn't see anyone behind my back. We saw each other incredibly rarely (he would try to make it once a week, so maybe every ten days was too much to say, but there were weeks when we didn't see each other at all). He did say he was super busy and has actual psychological issues but at one point it just got slightly ridiculous. I couldn't achieve the closeness he was so openly proclaiming and I was confused. I d think it was weird we saw so little of each other but it was more the cancellations and modifications that got to me. (e.g. the story I told you about his bday)

[elaine567]

Again, a hundred percent sure didn't see anyone behind my back.

 

 

We saw each other incredibly rarely (he would try to make it once a week, so maybe every ten days was too much to say, but there were weeks when we didn't see each other at all).

 

How on earth can you be so sure he was not seeing anyone else?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, come on. You can never be 100% sure that he wasn't seeing anyone else unless you are by his side around the clock. But girl - you barely saw him yourself, which indicates he had plenty of opportunities to hook up with other girls if he chose. This is not someone who was likely to be honest with you regarding his whereabouts when he was "sooo busy" that he couldn't see you more than once a week. You have no proof he is seeing other girls, I realize, but you need to stop being willfully naive about him. Take it from those of us with more experience - he has 'player' written all over him.

 

Look, he's manipulative and he knew he could toy with you. You let him do it way too much. He's so good at it he's got you feeling bad that he is a s**head. I know his type. They play around and do whatever they want, when they want, and you are but a distraction and a decoration to hang on his arm (ex. for an office party) when it suits them. Can you really not see how he used you?

 

You were 100% in the right to call him out on all his canceled and re-arranged plans. I would have laughed and hung up if he had tried to pull the "can't you see the effort I am making!?!" card with me. He didn't make an effort. Heck, he couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone and call you!

 

Stop blaming yourself and go find the self-esteem he bulldozed over. You deserve a lot better than this clown.

[babyboo86]

OP, come on. You can never be 100% sure that he wasn't seeing anyone else unless you are by his side around the clock. But girl - you barely saw him yourself, which indicates he had plenty of opportunities to hook up with other girls if he chose. This is not someone who was likely to be honest with you regarding his whereabouts when he was "sooo busy" that he couldn't see you more than once a week. You have no proof he is seeing other girls, I realize, but you need to stop being willfully naive about him. Take it from those of us with more experience - he has 'player' written all over him.

 

Look, he's manipulative and he knew he could toy with you. You let him do it way too much. He's so good at it he's got you feeling bad that he is a s**head. I know his type. They play around and do whatever they want, when they want, and you are but a distraction and a decoration to hang on his arm (ex. for an office party) when it suits them. Can you really not see how he used you?

 

You were 100% in the right to call him out on all his canceled and re-arranged plans. I would have laughed and hung up if he had tried to pull the "can't you see the effort I am making!?!" card with me. He didn't make an effort. Heck, he couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone and call you!

 

Stop blaming yourself and go find the self-esteem he bulldozed over. You deserve a lot better than this clown.

 

Thank you guys, this helps a lot. Again, I can't know for sure, but he is an awkward geeky guy who lives and breathes his job (plus a friend actually works with him and he said he never leaves the office before 9 pm), he has health issues (both physical and psychological), he never kept them from me but I also feel he sometimes uses them as an excuse not to see me (i.e. his head hurts, he is in a mood, something happens) or he makes everything so uncertain (I will let you know, I need to recover from this and then I'll text you...). Very rarely did we ever meet without him posting a whole range of texts in which he says how crappy he feels and how much he is fighting to see me. Honestly, it was a giant turn off for someone with whom he had started dating a month and a half prior to this. This is why I constantly felt such a strong sense of guilt. I felt like he was literally risking his health to see me, but then I had some expectations as his gf. He would complain about everything and everyone and tell me I was the only one who understood him. Like, really? A month and a half? I didn't understand him at all, and he didn't understand me either because post break-up he accused me of being two-faced and lying to him about being confident (I would never call myself confident). Who would just flat out call themselves super confident? It was like he bought a product but it wasn't what he paid for. I felt really bad. Also he made our break up semi public with a passive aggressive post on one of his social network accounts where he cold me toxic. (not directly but it was clear) And still I feel bad because I "verbally abused" him. I want to get rid of this guilt and shame once and for all.