Trauma_Luna Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 So a year and a half ago we ended this awesome relationship of 6 years. It was really tough for me to get over it (she broke up with me), but not for her, she started a new relationship a month after our breaking up (with a guy i always thought she was cheating on me). With the passing of time, I've been feeling good about it, i accepted the fact that she is no longer with me, and that she's happy with this new guy now, i wouldn't even get back with her, i know there might be something better for me in the future. The thing is that, i don't feel like I've closed that cycle yet, i have that "i hope she's not in here" feeling whenever i go to a restaurant or theater or something and i am sick of it because i no longer feel anger, sadness or madness about this, but i know she believes i feel that way and it really makes me live uncomfortable. I would love to see her and tell her "i have forgiven you, have a nice life and be very happy". A friend of mine talked with her some days ago and she told my friend that she has been missing me, wants to know about me, would love to call me, but would never do it because she knows i hate her. Should i call her and say "hello, i don't hate you" ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
foxgener Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 So a year and a half ago we ended this awesome relationship of 6 years. It was really tough for me to get over it (she broke up with me), but not for her, she started a new relationship a month after our breaking up (with a guy i always thought she was cheating on me). With the passing of time, I've been feeling good about it, i accepted the fact that she is no longer with me, and that she's happy with this new guy now, i wouldn't even get back with her, i know there might be something better for me in the future. The thing is that, i don't feel like I've closed that cycle yet, i have that "i hope she's not in here" feeling whenever i go to a restaurant or theater or something and i am sick of it because i no longer feel anger, sadness or madness about this, but i know she believes i feel that way and it really makes me live uncomfortable. I would love to see her and tell her "i have forgiven you, have a nice life and be very happy". A friend of mine talked with her some days ago and she told my friend that she has been missing me, wants to know about me, would love to call me, but would never do it because she knows i hate her. Should i call her and say "hello, i don't hate you" ? It is not smart to visit an ex. Let it go! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Should i call her and say "hello, i don't hate you" ? Only if you want more trauma, Luna. Take care. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 It doesn't matter what she thinks. Leave her always wondering. The best remedy is to find someone to help you forget about her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Look deeply into your motivations to tell your ex you've "forgiven her" and "don't hate her." If your motive is truly to provide your ex some mental peace, why do you feel you owe her that? It sounds like she hurt you and moved on quite quickly, possibly with someone she got involved with before the two of you broke up. She doesn't deserve to rot forever in the fires of hell for that, but someone who hurt you doesn't necessarily deserve your forgiveness ... even after time has healed the pain. But also look truthfully at yourself to see if other motivations are there. For example, could you be hoping on some level to reopen the lines of communication? If so, to what end? You aren't getting back together and being "friends" isn't possible when she's lodged in this new relationship. Or are you maybe secretly hoping to come out as the martyr here, the "good guy" who is capable of forgiveness despite all the sh*t she put you through? Could you be hoping to make her feel guilty or remorseful? Are you trying to incite HER to apologize to YOU? These are just guesses. Simply encouraging you to probe the psychology here, to make sure this instinct to "make peace" doesn't have more to do with your own conflicted feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I think that contacting her will set you back in the moving on process. It may sound cliche, but what will help you heal is time and distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trauma_Luna Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) have more to do with your own conflicted feelings. I feel like it totally have to do with this, i don't find inner peace, i don't feel with the confidence to meet someone else anymore, no matter how much i have tried to start something with someone new i always end up messing everything with my fears. I don't blame her for this, as i told you before, i don't have feelings for her anymore, but i have been thinking that maybe i need to totally confront my fears with her, maybe that way i will recover. Edited January 10, 2017 by Trauma_Luna Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I feel like it totally have to do with this, i don't find inner peace, i don't feel with the confidence to meet someone else anymore, no matter how much i have tried to start something with someone new i always end up messing everything with my fears. Okay, well if you can acknowledge that's the case, then think hard about the realistic consequences of getting back in contact with her. Let's say, for ex, that you reach out and she just simply ignores it. Or gives you a shallow response like "I appreciate that" but shuts the door there. Wouldn't that just make you feel worse? Like she didn't treat you seriously? Or let's say it reopens communication and gets the two of you talking again—*which BTW, would be a violation of her current relationship. Chances are good that would flare up old wounds for you, whether you feel angry all over again about the way things ended, or you're fooled into believing you have another chance. Which you don't. She broke up with you a long time ago and she's with a new guy —*end of story. ANY of these outcomes would set you back with your healing, which it sounds like you're doing a good job with. Do you really want to turn back that progress? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I feel like it totally have to do with this, i don't find inner peace, i don't feel with the confidence to meet someone else anymore, no matter how much i have tried to start something with someone new i always end up messing everything with my fears. I don't blame her for this, as i told you before, i don't have feelings for her anymore, but i have been thinking that maybe i need to totally confront my fears with her, maybe that way i will recover. But it's been a year and a half...? What fears are there and what do you need fulfillment and recovery in? you've lasted that long without knowing of her existence and what she's currently doing, why stop now? Be honest with yourself. Are you wanting to 'confront these fears' with her, so that you'll have that boost and satisfaction to meet someone new, or purely doing so to reconcile? I think it's the second answer. Because you now know that 'she's this, she's that' about you, you have that ego-boost and beneficial advantage over her. Fundamentally meaning you're able to do whatever you please in this scenario and not be considered desperate etc. Think carefully. I personally don't think it's wise. You say that doing so will 'confront your fears' and 'help you move on and find a new relationship', but in all honesty reconciling/conversing with an ex in anyway definitely does not portray that way. Essentially you'll be reminiscing about her all over again, and then guess what? boom, back to square 1 all over again. Then it'll take you another 1.5 years to get over her. So with that being said, I exclaim again, think carefully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trauma_Luna Posted January 11, 2017 Author Share Posted January 11, 2017 After reading your comments i decided not to look after her and leave things as they are. BUT... I live in a small town and work in a painting store, there are like other 6 painting stores around town. Guess who came to mine to "buy" paints today? I am still shaking, my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to explode, i greeted her with just "hey, how are you? did you find everything you are looking for?" and let my coworker attend her. I noticed that when she was paying she was shaking too. She looks as beautiful as always and i almost tried to speak with her . but no, i went to the back part of the store and stood there until she left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trauma_Luna Posted January 11, 2017 Author Share Posted January 11, 2017 My coworker said that when she entered into the store (i was not there) she asked him for me. Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 My coworker said that when she entered into the store (i was not there) she asked him for me. She made the choice/mistake of letting you go, she needs to realise making these decisions and then later considering to try and amend what has already been clarified, especially from their behalf just cannot be done. It is now of the past; obsolete if you will. Stay strong, take control of your feelings and do not let them escalate. Atleast over her. You shouldn't invest so much time and worry over someone who months/years ago (like your situation) hadn't given you the time of day until when it's sufficient to them. You're a human with genuine feelings and emotions, not some kind of 'come back anytime' petrol station. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 After reading your comments i decided not to look after her and leave things as they are. BUT... I live in a small town and work in a painting store, there are like other 6 painting stores around town. Guess who came to mine to "buy" paints today? I am still shaking, my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to explode, i greeted her with just "hey, how are you? did you find everything you are looking for?" and let my coworker attend her. I noticed that when she was paying she was shaking too. She looks as beautiful as always and i almost tried to speak with her . but no, i went to the back part of the store and stood there until she left. That sounds like an awful experience. For what it is worth, I think you handled it well. Now that you know how emotional it felt for you to see her again, maybe you'll be able to understand why some of us are advising you that no good can come from interacting with her. You are still trying to get over her, so any communication will make that 10 times harder. It sounds like she is sniffing around now because she is becoming bored with her current relationship and looking for some easy validation. It isn't fair to you, and even worse to do that at your place of work. She might even try to contact in the next couple of days saying it was nice to see you or something like that. I would think twice about responding if that happens. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Read what you wrote:she DUMPED me and a MONTH latter started dating someone who I always thought she was CHEATING ON ME WITH. Let that sink in. And here's the million dollar question you haven't answered:Did she cheat on you?Cause if she did wouldn't that change the dynamics completely? And if you had a conversation with her how would you approach that topic?Because you would want to know. (If your gut told you she was 90 per cent of the time it's right). I mean why would you even entertain the notion of taking a cheater back? Unless you like being an OPTION. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
not-again Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 After reading your comments i decided not to look after her and leave things as they are. BUT... I live in a small town and work in a painting store, there are like other 6 painting stores around town. Guess who came to mine to "buy" paints today? I am still shaking, my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to explode, i greeted her with just "hey, how are you? did you find everything you are looking for?" and let my coworker attend her. I noticed that when she was paying she was shaking too. She looks as beautiful as always and i almost tried to speak with her . but no, i went to the back part of the store and stood there until she left. Well done. You handled that very well. There a song which I cant put my finger on at the moment but it goes along the lines of "you never know what you've got until it's gone". The not knowing what bright future would have brought if they hadn't, cheated, not support you, dump you etc. will eat at their heart. That's exactly how you should let them feel. It can be harsh but she dumped you and got together with a guy a month after that you thought she was cheating on you with. Maybe it's just me getting work up because my previous relationship before my current break up was quite similar to yours. You don't owe her anything!!! She broke your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 @Trauma_Luna, that story is kind of heartbreaking! I feel for you. The bottom line is that if she WAS interested in getting back together with you, she would need to communicate that to you very directly. But even then, it's not something either of you could take seriously unless she was fully single. Unless that happens, and it doesn't sound likely — nor am I getting the sense that you truly want that —*you can assume that's she just waffling around with some regrets and nostalgia. And, as someone else noted, there is definitely a manipulative aspect here, with her wanting to stir nostalgia and confusion for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopefuleddie Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hello, Happy that you are doing so well after your breakup. Regarding your questions, personally, I think everyone goes through a degree of that (i.e. anxiety about how it will feel to see an ex in a public place). I humbly encourage you to first imagine a scenario were you do meet her, and then make a mental decision of how you would handle it. I personally don't think it is a good idea to call her at the moment; and Just know that this feeling will pass soon. Continue healing. Link to post Share on other sites
SerPundnes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Be thankful you don't see her 5 days a week like I do (ex is co-worker)! I would give my right arm (lefthanded) to not have to see her all the time. In one way it makes my healing alot slower! But on the other hand, when I'm healed, I won't worry seeing her around. But still, it really sucks! 1,5 years is a long time, my friend. Keep up the good work and focus on yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Make-A-Difference Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 @Trauma_Luma I was reading your post from back in September. Was hooked on the story. It ended on a clif hanger with the girl chickening out on the phone call. So you guys kissed, then the phone call which was about "the teachers number" Then what happened.. can you update?? Sorry to jack this post you're last one didn't allow a reply thanks to the 60 day rule. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 OP I feel for ya and am going through the exact same as you. My relationship was a little longer than yours and I have been NC for about 8 months and LC for a maybe year before that. I'm like you where I feel I have progressed in many ways but I definitely haven't arrived at 100 per cent peace. I'm doing NC etc but it bugs me to just let the anger and hate just simmer in the background as I continue to heal. I know what you mean about the forgiveness thing. I feel the same way. We want to unburden ourselves of any bitterness remaining. But, when balancing things up, overall, it's most likely best to remain NC. In my honest opinion, I think such as talk would most likely help them more than it would help us. They get to ease their guilt but what do you get out of it? Not much since they won't even understand why you need to forgive them (since they might actually have already accepted that you will never forgive them). I think go by the usual LS advise. Until something of substance comes your way, just keep feeding your ex a SILENCE SANDWICH. Link to post Share on other sites
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