5 weeks NC still tore up

[IBTAT]

Hey Y'all,

 

So I dated a girl for 5 months and she ended it exactly 5 weeks ago today. We live an hour away so I was only able to visit her on the weekends which I know was hard on her. She hated that I had to leave. She cried the entire time on the phone as she told me she cared about me but wasn't in "In Love" with me anymore. She confirmed that not being able to see her everyday was taking a toll even though I had told her I was thinking of moving to her town early this year. I told her if there was nothing I could do to change her mind than I would have to say goodbye. She said goodbye and that was the last of our contact.

I did what many do and stalked her IG and FB in hopes of finding some answers.(Big Mistake). I discovered she was in a relationship less than a week later. I was crushed!

I blocked her from FB and IG for my own sanity and have dedicated myself to hitting the gym 7 days a week since the breakup. I even managed to go on a couple dates even though my heart wasn't in it.

Today has been 5 weeks of NC and chances are she is still with this new guy. Ive contemplated writing her a letter because we did this once a week while we were together but I from what Ive read this never works.

I still love her deeply and even though Im doing my best to move on it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I thought getting past the holidays would help.

Should I keep NC while she is dating this new guy or attempt to reestablish some sort of communication with her to let her know Im still around. Thank You

Edited January 3, 2017 by IBTAT

[Been]

Yes NC. The more you beg or try to talk with her the more she loses respect for you. And the worse you make it.

[jamili]

Dude. DO NOT SEND A LETTER!!! Pleaseeeee dont do that, if you want any chance of reconciliation. I myself sent a longish text message and i regretted that moments after hitting send, and ofc it did nothing other than likely push her further away. Don't even risk it man, keep NC, especially since she has already rebounded (and its most definitely a rebound).

 

Just keep NC and keep us updated, im curious to see what will happen. But dont send anything! Wait. Its only been 5 weeks, that's nothing man. Read some stories on this site and you will see that often dumpers break NC 6 months to a year later, or longer. Stay strong.

 

Im at 3 months NC myself, and it still isn't easy. You just have to keep moving on with your life as horrible as it feels. I miss my ex every day still, but its better than contacting her and ruining any chance of a potential reconciliation down the road, if there is to be one. The dumper must believe you have moved on and come back on their own. It's the only way. I know about dating when your heart isnt in it, it SUCKS. But keep doing it.

Edited January 3, 2017 by jamili

[requiem1]

I'm going through the same thing (broke up 5 weeks ago). Every day feels like a nightmare reliving itself. I've made positive changes in my life, but I want nothing more than the love of my life back.

 

Don't send a letter. She broke up with you, she can contact you if she wants. Move on. Love knows no bounds, they say, and if you do end up working it out, then it has to be an entirely new relationship.

 

And, would you want to be in a relationship with someone who rebounds? I don't know. To me it seems that someone who rebounds so quickly means that they didn't have their heart in it in the first place.

Edited January 3, 2017 by requiem1

[Ganz7]

When I saw my ex with the new dude I went NC. I've been NC for over two years. She got married 8 months after leaving me. Never heard anything from her. Seen her a few times but she never said hi or anything.

 

Don't think she is 'The One' . It will be hard to accept at first but there is someone out better than her for you. I didn't date for a year after. Just wasn't ready but eventually did and the new person was better in a lot of ways. This really surprised me as I thought the ex was 'The One' ..

 

Stay nc and enjoy the company of your friends.

[MeadowFlower]

Jamili, in your opinion do you think NC is still potentially effective to get reconciliation when you can only do it partially, due to working with your ex? I know it is not the purpose of NC to gain reconciliation and I know it isn't guaranteed, but still.

[jamili]

Jamili, in your opinion do you think NC is still potentially effective to get reconciliation when you can only do it partially, due to working with your ex? I know it is not the purpose of NC to gain reconciliation and I know it isn't guaranteed, but still.

 

Well, I'm certainly no expert on this that's for sure, but I'd say if you have to work with them, I wouldn't flat out ignore her or give her the cold shoulder, because that will just make you look like you are still not over her or being petty. The goal is to look strong and confident. So, what I would do is treat her like you would any other random acquaintance at work - treat her like she's just some person you work with that you never dated/have no interest in, but I'd be sure to carry yourself with proud confidence - body language. Walk tall, make eye contact with everyone, appear positive and unphased. I know this is HARD, especially when you still love this girl, but you have to believe in yourself.

 

You really can't help avoiding her if you work with her, so just keep it at that. NO initiating texts or calls to her, don't stalk her social media stuff, etc. Just go about your life as a single man because, well you are now single. I think you should consider this mindset, it's what I have adopted and I personally think it's the best bet: "She might be gone forever, and I have to accept that. If she does come back someday.. I'll cross that bridge if and when that happens". Other than that, try your very best to move on and accept that she is gone forever, as far as you are concerned.

 

The thing about this whole NC thing is that it might do nothing at all, which sucks when you are like you and I and really hope that it will "get the ex back". But one thing is for sure - if there is any chance that the will come back, this is the only way for it to happen. Because if you contact her, or stay in her life, you'll likely DEFINITELY lose her for forever, if there was any chance.. This is the only option really. Also, I might be the minority here, but I personally believe that it isn't the NC that can get the ex back, I think if they are going to come back, they will come back, and if they aren't then they won't, and it probably has little to do with the actual NC "causing" anything. I think, rather, that NC allows them to think about situation, feel the loss of you, and then come to that conclusion on their own. Basically you aren't "Doing" anything to cause them to react a certain way with NC, you are merely allowing them to decide for themselves and allowing them mental clarity - the same mental clarity you will also gain from NC! If you break NC you risk pushing her away, and then you will always think "damn, what if I hadn't done that, would she have come back?". But if you keep NC, you will never have those regrets, and if she doesn't come back, you will know it isn't because of anything you did, it was just that she was never going to come back anyways. It's a much better feeling than guilt.

 

With my ex, I made the mistake of getting upset and sending a harsh text. I was ignoring her for weeks using NC, and was getting constant breadcrumb texts, nothing about reconciliation, just random stuff. Then, eventually I had enough of it and I sent the text, that essentially asked her to stop texting me as I was trying to move on, and also called her out on her issues that caused the end of the relationship. What did they get me? She outright told me she is initiating no contact on me, and that was that. Now I didn't beg, or plead, or something that could have been much worse, but it obviously still had an effect. At the time I felt I was standing up for myself by sending it, but now after time has passed I see it was emotional and revealed that I was still heartbroken about the breakup, which (as counter-intuitive as it is) can push a dumper further away. Now I have to live with that, wondering if I hadn't have sent it if she might have come back, and I somehow botched any reconciliation attempts. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't I'll never know. But if you send NOTHING at least you won't have to worry about it, you'll just know for sure! Keep NC!

Edited January 4, 2017 by jamili

[MeadowFlower]

Thank you for your reply and advice

Lol first though, I am a female he's a guy haha, but that's okay your insight still applies.

Yea, I have been guilty of being cold with him etc.. I also didn't do NC straight away, but have been pretty much of late. It's been 5+ months since he dumped me. But seeing him at work probably doesn't help the moving on thing.

That's an interesting thought how you said "...I was still heartbroken about the breakup, which (as counter-intuitive as it is) can push a dumper further away." Earlier on post-breakup I didn't handle it at work as well as I am now. So that may have contributed to pushing any re-thinking on his part away. Also, I had a little conversation about 2 months ago with him via messaging (I initiated it) about if it was anything I had done, (I had done wrong in our relationship, not cheating). Anyway by asking that it could've concreted more his decision and not liking of me. Maybe it would've been better not to ask that, for one thing it could've just reminded him of the bad I did.

Excuse me going on..

Edited January 4, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[jamili]

Thank you for your reply and advice

Lol first though, I am a female he's a guy haha, but that's okay your insight still applies.

Yea, I have been guilty of being cold with him etc.. I also didn't do NC straight away, but have been pretty much of late. It's been 5+ months since he dumped me. But seeing him at work probably doesn't help the moving on thing.

That's an interesting thought how you said "...I was still heartbroken about the breakup, which (as counter-intuitive as it is) can push a dumper further away." Earlier on post-breakup I didn't handle it at work as well as I am now. So that may have contributed to pushing any re-thinking on his part away. Also, I had a little conversation about 2 months ago with him via messaging (I initiated it) about if it was anything I had done, (I had done wrong in our relationship, not cheating). Anyway by asking that it could've concreted more his decision and not liking of me. Maybe it would've been better not to ask that, for one thing it could've just reminded him of the bad I did.

Excuse me going on..

 

It really is counter-intuitive, I know. But, I don't think what you said, or tbh even what I said in my text to my ex, was exactly catastrophic. I think majorly begging/crying/etc. is way, way worse, since it gives the dumper the impression that you have less value and desperation turns people off (in reality it's just pretty natural to feel intense pain when you lose someone you deeply love.. but logic doesn't apply in these situations ). It's that kind of stuff that can really BOTCH a reconciliation, so be thankful you didn't do that!

 

You probably didn't do as much damage as you think is my guess. Based on what you said to him.. I still think if he's going to come back, he'll come back regardless IMO. If you had that conversation only 2 months ago, it seems like you are fairly fresh in your NC; ~2months in. Check out this forum and you will rarely see dumpers coming back anytime before 6 months or even a year of NC.. it's still super early, and there is no set time. Just keep it up. He might never, but it's the only way. I feel for you, having to work with your ex has got to be rough :\. Hang in there!

Edited January 5, 2017 by jamili

[IBTAT]

Ok y'all.

 

Here's an update for you. I did end up writing a letter. It was very liberating. If felt amazing to get all of that off my chest. I did send the letter but....I sent it to myself. I wanted to put myself in my ex's shoes and see how it would feel getting that letter. It was written with a few apologies, some good memories, and a good luck in the future type stuff. No "I love you" or "I miss you". I really do think it depends on the person in these situations. Its weird because I think I would've regretted sending it to her but I also wonder what would have happened. Today is day 37 of NC. I have ok days when Im working but sleeping is still a nightmare. Only time will tell if her new relationship works out or not. I 've come back from a lot of **** in my life including alcoholism. 3 yrs sober now!. If I could get through that, I know I can get through this. Just going to keep hitting the gym and remain NC. I have a date in a week with another gal so we'll see what happens. Yes, Hope is a dangerous thing, but we're all human. I do hope she reaches out someday but if we do cross paths again in the future, its going to be because she reached out. Not me. Thank you all for the words of encouragement.!

[elhacedor]

I agree. Don't send a letter. I did it with my ex and I feel that I gave her more power over me after she left me. She said it was beautiful but she is not going to change her mind... and that hurt a lot!

Edited January 5, 2017 by elhacedor
wrong thread

[MeadowFlower]

Jamili, does it matter do you think that I don't make eye contact with him and that I am quick when I say bye at work to him? (it's unavoidable to say bye) In your opinion would that give off the fact that I'm still not over it?

When/if I find out he has a gf (I'm pretty sure he likes the girl he liked before going with me) but when I hear that something is official with a girl, it's probably going to kill me a bit. You can act all cool about it as much as you want but you can't change the gut feelings.

And thank you for your last response.

Edited January 6, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[MeadowFlower]

Jamili, what are your thoughts ^? If you don't mind

[jamili]

Jamili, what are your thoughts ^? If you don't mind

 

Hi MeadowFlower,

 

Sorry, I didn't see your post from last week! I know it has to be extremely difficult to work with your ex, and have to see them every day.. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I had to live with my ex for 4 weeks before I was able to move into my new place.. and it was brutal. Every time you see them, hear them, smell them, etc.... it just KILLS you inside. I had to spend as much time as possible out of the house.. just went out and did ANYTHING to stay away and keep as much distance from her as possible.

 

It's really hard to pretend to be over your ex, and calm/collected, I've been there. Early after my breakup, there were a few times where I saw my ex in the house, and couldn't help it - I would talk to her, or let out some emotion and say something stupid. One time I got home really late and she was sitting there smiling and laughing watching a TV show.. and it just destroyed me.. how she could be so totally over it and feeling so happy and nonchalant.. where here I am mustering up every drop of strength I have to pretend to be "OK", OMG. I lost control and started an argument with her about the breakup.. it wasn't good, of course it just made her shut down and push me away. Luckily, the final two weeks there I pulled myself together enough to 100% ignore her (which got her to text, call and approach me incessantly, of course .. to the point where I had to tell her to stop texting me..)

 

I would say try your very best to act as you would with any other person. If you keep eye contact with other coworkers when you said goodbye, then keep eye contact with your ex when you say goodbye. Smile as if you would if you said goodbye to Brenda from HR. Just try to seem unphased. If you don't make eye contact, it might be obvious to him (and everyone else), so just do what you would naturally do. It seems conceptually impossible to keep true NC when you work together because of this, and I won't lie, I can imagine it taking longer than usual to get over an ex when in this situation. You just have to believe in yourself, and try really, really hard to convince yourself that he lost a GREAT thing and you are way way better off (which I'm sure is true ). Keeping this mindset can help you maintain confidence.

 

I'm sure, eventually, you can and will get to a point where you will treat him as you would any other coworker, and it will be natural and organic because you will see him as any other coworker. Honestly, I know this sounds HORRIBLE right now, but what helped me quite a bit was to date other people. It will literally be a forced action, as you won't want to do it, and your heart totally won't be in it, but meeting other single, interesting, attractive people can help boost your ego - giving you the confidence to act more naturally at work when you see him. And think of it this way - worst case scenario, you put yourself through the motions of dating, and your ego is boosted and you feel a little more confident. Best case scenario, he finds out your dating other men from someone in the office, and it ignites a fear of loss in him, and raises his attraction and interest in you. I'm not saying to play games using jealously, I'm saying to do it to boost your confidence, but that is a potential collateral effect that it could have.

 

I really do feel for you, this can't be easy. Try to maintain composure, and think about the dating thing - you never know, you might even meet someone cool!

[MeadowFlower]

Thank you Jamili for your sound advice and taking the time to respond.

That would've been unpleasant having to live with your ex like that.. And yea, sometimes they can seem chill after the breakup, and you're like maybe faking happiness.

Lol the Brenda from HR line...

I have been watching Craig Kenneth and he is quite good. If you're interested check him out.

Partly I'm hesitant to write more on here because well, it will be for years engraved on the internet as we can't delete our posts, and it's viewable for the world to see lol.

But again thank you :)

[jamili]

Thank you Jamili for your sound advice and taking the time to respond.

That would've been unpleasant having to live with your ex like that.. And yea, sometimes they can seem chill after the breakup, and you're like maybe faking happiness.

Lol the Brenda from HR line...

I have been watching Craig Kenneth and he is quite good. If you're interested check him out.

Partly I'm hesitant to write more on here because well, it will be for years engraved on the internet as we can't delete our posts, and it's viewable for the world to see lol.

But again thank you :)

 

I have actually watched some of Craig's stuff, very interesting! His discussions on Attachment types was particularly enlightening. I feel like I've learned SO much more about... EVERYTHING since my breakup; especially myself. If you think about it, there are some really great lessons to be learned from any breakup that you can take with you in your next relationship, and will serve to improve all future relationships/friendships throughout your life. I feel ya about the internet/privacy thing, I try to keep it pretty vague too for that reason.. although it probably is an irrational fear... but... Google these days lol. Feel free to drop a PM if you want to chat more

[MeadowFlower]

Would be cool to chat, but I can't on my current Loveshack 'status'. But maybe when that changes. Thank you

[drseuss]

every rs is different brother and end for different reasons , distance and no love is a pretty definite end

 

i was here a couple years ago after an upsetting break up and i haven't see spoken to or heard from her since the day we broke up , or as the relationship experts on here call it NC

 

while i was cut up for about 8/9 months and i still think of her now im glad its ended and the lessons were priceless

 

in this situation i would just leave her and you dont have to move on right this second but start working towards the idea she is no longer in your life and think to the future

 

lots of amazing girls out there !

[Goodguy05]

Here's my 2 cents worth if they come back ask ureself this question...why are they coming back most times it can be because they r lonely or haven't found a better match and not because it's them really wanting u be very careful wen and if they do return seek definate proof it's because they realised how big a mistake they made even go counselling as a suggestion remember anyone that truly loves u will move mountains for u to make it work so if they're not willing u hav to ask ureself why they're not. As I'm coming to understand if they loved u they wouldn't have broke up in the 1st place. The other thing wen we get rejected we want them more it triggers our part of the brain that deals wth attachement. Suddenly we find ourselves putting them on a pedestal and painting a picture of them as being wonderful and perfect. The reality is the relationship probably wasn't working for one of u or both hence the break up . Good luck for both of us i kno how hard it is and the pining I kno im going thru it myself.

[Alpha_Male]

Hahh..

 

I'm at day-5 of no contact.

 

I almost break the no contact by start stalking my ex-gf facebook.

 

Till I say this thread. Thank god. I dint do it. And will never do it.

 

Last year I have break up with her, and out of sudden she already have relationship with another new guy (rebound). That really brake my heart really hard.

They girl that I really respect, and love her will all of my heart, I cannot believe she could do this to me.

 

How can the person that I love so much have new bf after a few days of brakeup.

 

This year 2017, that's it, this time I will really move on away from this girl.

And never expect with any reconciliation or breadcrumbs.

 

I will try my best to forget her forever. And 100% move on.

 

I will try my best for not to brake any NC rules meaning..

 

- no message/call/reply

- no see her picture

- no stalk her on social media facebook/instagram/etc

 

But well, before we brakeup, at our last conversation, I even said to her do not message or even call me. And she said "i know". So I bet it would be NO any reconciliation/breadcrumbs to be expect since she's promise for not to do that.

 

 

I hope my heart will heal ASAP. Till the point that I can even imagine she's with another guy and I feel no pain.

 

That time I will no problem to stalk her social media for sometimes.

 

I did this too for my another ex's. Till I can even hope they both will happy together.