Safe to reach out to dumper after 7 months?

[varicose]

It's been 7 months since my ex left me and totally crushed me. It was a complicated situation-- long distance, cultural/religious issues, and I was going through a bad time career-wise.

 

I still love the guy deeply, and believe I always will, but I have finally accepted the break up. I can finally say i don't want to get back together because I see the issues.

 

It's been like 6 months of complete silence and I want to reach out. I just want to send a positive message and apologize for my wrongdoing, and reinforce how much I care. I felt so strongly for him that I can't imagine losing touch with him forever. He really meant a lot to me, and I did for him as well.

 

Bad idea?

[preraph]

Yes, bad idea. Desperate move. If he wanted to talk to you, he'd have contacted you. He doesn't. I'm sorry. You need to move on.

[varicose]

Yes, bad idea. Desperate move. If he wanted to talk to you, he'd have contacted you. He doesn't. I'm sorry. You need to move on.

 

What if he was forced to dump me?

[preraph]

You mean and wasn't man enough to stand up for himself and live his own life and make his own decisions? Even for you? Not ready to be an adult, I'd say, and not ready for a relationship.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I have had meaningful relationships (friendships) with exes my whole life, and if one of us hadn't reached out that wouldn't have happened.

Edited December 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[varicose]

You mean and wasn't man enough to stand up for himself and live his own life and make his own decisions? Even for you? Not ready to be an adult, I'd say, and not ready for a relationship.

 

That's true, but it doesn't change the fact that I still care for him.

[marky00]

I would say NO.

 

 

I have been 5 months NC after being totally ghosted by my Ex.

 

 

Yesterday I got a msg from her asking me how I was doing.

 

 

I haven't responded nor will I as I'm not sure where she is coming from. I honestly just don't know why she would contact me after I finally gave her what she wanted with no more fuss on my end. To be honest the contact was extremely surprising but as I said no way am I going to risk getting hurt more unless her reasons for contacting me become more clear.

 

 

Asking me how I am doing really says nothing about her position and just puts all the risk and pressure back on me should I respond. If I get no further contact, then I can come to my own conclusions I guess.

 

 

My point to you is that the contact can come from them when you least expect it. I was certain she would never contact me again and then this.

 

 

I'd say stick with the NC. There's a pretty good chance you will hear from him some day and when you do, you will probably be like me where you may not even want to reply unless you know exactly what is behind the contact.

 

 

P.S. Is it safe at 7 months? Well, most folks agree that at about 6 months most dumpers have been able to reset their feelings and memories etc. If you did contact now, I think he would be more receptive had u contacted him sooner. However, despite this, I still think it would be better if you stuck to NC until he decides to contact you.

Edited December 29, 2016 by marky00

[Satu]

snip

 

I still love the guy deeply, and believe I always will, but *I have finally accepted the break up. I can finally say i don't want to get back together because I see the issues.

 

 

*No you haven't.

 

That point is still a bit further down the road.

 

When you get there, you won't feel this overwhelming need to contact him.

 

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

It's been 7 months since my ex left me and totally crushed me. It was a complicated situation-- long distance, cultural/religious issues, and I was going through a bad time career-wise.

 

 

I'm not bitter and my opinion is if he was the one to dump you and hasn't bothered to reach out to you; you do appear desperate for more punishment. Hey, but if you must go ahead.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would ask yourself this first: what if you contact him, chat a little, and come to find out he's got a new girlfriend? Would you still feel okay?

[varicose]

snip

 

 

*No you haven't.

 

That point is still a bit further down the road.

 

When you get there, you won't feel this overwhelming need to contact him.

 

 

Take care.

 

I see what you're saying. But I do genuinely want to apologize to him for some things that happened. I don't really see myself as the victim in the situation, I think we both are. I didn't act right and wrecked our relationship with me depression/anxiety-- I tried to find problems in everything, when there were none, and I kept other guys in my back pocket, initially, because I was scared. And his family forced him to dump me due to religious differences. And it probably means nothing to him but I want to wish him well.

[varicose]

I would ask yourself this first: what if you contact him, chat a little, and come to find out he's got a new girlfriend? Would you still feel okay?

 

Yeah, that would be upsetting. Or even worse.. the devastating short "wish you well" response. Which might be worse than getting ignored.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, that would be upsetting. Or even worse.. the devastating short "wish you well" response. Which might be worse than getting ignored.

 

Then don't contact him. You're not ready yet. And that's perfectly okay.

 

Not enough time has elapsed and you're not over him.

[marky00]

I see what you're saying. But I do genuinely want to apologize to him for some things that happened. I don't really see myself as the victim in the situation, I think we both are. I didn't act right and wrecked our relationship with me depression/anxiety-- I tried to find problems in everything, when there were none, and I kept other guys in my back pocket, initially, because I was scared. And his family forced him to dump me due to religious differences. And it probably means nothing to him but I want to wish him well.

 

For several months I had this awesome typed out letter under my nose which pretty much summed up my mistakes and me taking responsibility for them. Actually, I wrote the letter just before she ghosted me for good so it was a great letter in that it wasn't the pathetic and clingy type that is written post breakup.

 

 

But there is 1 reason why I struggled each day to send it and now I am glad I didn't.

 

 

That letter I wrote was for me. She wasn't asking for it. I realised that me sending it would have actually been selfish in a way.

 

 

Instead I gave her what she wanted, silence. That is the ultimate gift you can give your Ex, it shows strength and leadership which will make them stronger and healthier as well.

 

 

One day, you might hear from him and if he brings up the past, that would then be the time to talk about your mistakes or w/e. But if that day never comes, just give him what he wants, a "Silence Sandwich".

[fromheart]

What if he was forced to dump me?

 

You'd have to kill a man, before he dumps the woman he loves. Don't settle for peoples excuses when they leave you. If they don't feel the same way you move on without looking back.

[varicose]

For several months I had this awesome typed out letter under my nose which pretty much summed up my mistakes and me taking responsibility for them. Actually, I wrote the letter just before she ghosted me for good so it was a great letter in that it wasn't the pathetic and clingy type that is written post breakup.

 

 

But there is 1 reason why I struggled each day to send it and now I am glad I didn't.

 

 

That letter I wrote was for me. She wasn't asking for it. I realised that me sending it would have actually been selfish in a way.

 

 

Instead I gave her what she wanted, silence. That is the ultimate gift you can give your Ex, it shows strength and leadership which will make them stronger and healthier as well.

 

 

One day, you might hear from him and if he brings up the past, that would then be the time to talk about your mistakes or w/e. But if that day never comes, just give him what he wants, a "Silence Sandwich".

 

Thank you for your story. I agree-- those letters are for yourself. I want to feel vindicated I guess. I don't want to be the one in the wrong. But I like how you put it in terms of control. I definitely lose my **** when I feel out of control. And contacting him would definitely make me lose my control over the situation. Silence between the two of you is way better than reaching out and not getting the response you want. Then what?

 

I do hope/believe he will reach out someday. It's unfathomable that I'd never hear from him again.

[varicose]

You'd have to kill a man, before he dumps the woman he loves. Don't settle for peoples excuses when they leave you. If they don't feel the same way you move on without looking back.

 

That's what I used to believe too, but not when the man is a mama's boy, weakling. And the mama is a religious extremist.

 

Come to think of it, whenever you hear of someone going against their family to marry, it seems to always be the woman. One reason why I really believe he was forced is that post-break up, when I asked to see him, he said he'd need to be handcuffed.

Edited December 30, 2016 by varicose

[Alamo657]

Don't reach out to people who dumped you. They decided that you were not worth their time, don't confirm their decision by behaving like a friendly puppy who isn't able to move on from the past.

[kidm]

That's what I used to believe too, but not when the man is a mama's boy, weakling. And the mama is a religious extremist.

 

Come to think of it, whenever you hear of someone going against their family to marry, it seems to always be the woman. One reason why I really believe he was forced is that post-break up, when I asked to see him, he said he'd need to be handcuffed.

 

The quicker you stop romanticizing the breakup, the quicker you will move on. He broke up with you because he didn't think you were worth rocking the boat with his "religious extremist" mother/family. He could have stood his ground. He could have picked you. I have a friend who is getting married in a month to a muslim guy whose parents threatened to disown him (and as of now will not be present as the wedding) because my friend is catholic and has no intentions of converting to islam. Your ex is right where he wants to be- he picked his mom. That shows you where his love and loyalty lies. Do not reach out to him. He knows where to find you if he feels hopeless about losing the love of his life.

[Slimtripper]

Don't reach out to people who dumped you. They decided that you were not worth their time, don't confirm their decision by behaving like a friendly puppy who isn't able to move on from the past.

 

Seconded. If you were truly over him then you wouldn't care about reaching out. I don't reach out to exes from yrs ago I'm indifferent to their well being.

It will cause u much more pain opening that wound again

[elaine567]

... when I asked to see him, he said he'd need to be handcuffed.

 

What does that mean?

He hates you that much?

[Popsicle]

It's been 7 months since my ex left me and totally crushed me. It was a complicated situation-- long distance, cultural/religious issues, and I was going through a bad time career-wise.

 

I still love the guy deeply, and believe I always will, but I have finally accepted the break up. I can finally say i don't want to get back together because I see the issues.

 

It's been like 6 months of complete silence and I want to reach out. I just want to send a positive message and apologize for my wrongdoing, and reinforce how much I care. I felt so strongly for him that I can't imagine losing touch with him forever. He really meant a lot to me, and I did for him as well.

 

Bad idea?

 

Do it!!!!!

[DeepVibeZ]

All this 'never contact the dumper, no matter what' is juvenile tosh.

 

Believe it or not, some people deserve to be dumped. If you took your ex for granted, ignored the signs he/she was no longer happy then guess what? You deserve to be dumped!

 

If you've acknowledged your own faults and worked on them during the months of NC, then by all means contact your ex if that's your wish, so long as you're ready for rejection - which is more likely than reconciliation. At least you can then move on without regret.

 

If however, you believe you gave as much as you could into the R/S and still got dumped then yes, NC forever and move on, or you'll be forever a no pride, pining puppy.

[stillafool]

That's what I used to believe too, but not when the man is a mama's boy, weakling. And the mama is a religious extremist.

 

Come to think of it, whenever you hear of someone going against their family to marry, it seems to always be the woman. One reason why I really believe he was forced is that post-break up, when I asked to see him, he said he'd need to be handcuffed.

 

This is just talk. Look at actions instead and I've known mama's boys before who went against their mothers wishes to date and marry the woman they loved. My husband's mama thought she could influence him but he still married me.

[keiji]

You'd have to kill a man, before he dumps the woman he loves. Don't settle for peoples excuses when they leave you. If they don't feel the same way you move on without looking back.

 

She mentioned cultural and religious differences. This may not be your typical "My dad doesn't like you" situation.