2 months post breakup

[riki]

Hey everyone,

 

I was recently dumped out of the blue from a 6 week relationship with a fellow medical student and have been struggling with some lingering feelings. Before saying "it was only 6 weeks" I want to describe the nature of it. I asked her out but we had to hang out a couple of times/study before we could actually find time for a date. We went a really good date after our exams and things just took off from there. We spent a lot of time together after that date (she mostly initiated all of the hanging out). We enjoyed doing the little things together (grocery shopping, studying, etc.) and everything seemed good. She would ask me about my thoughts on marriage/children which initially surprised me. I answered the questions honestly, "I don't see myself getting until after medical school/I don't know how many children I want". I then met her mother about 3 weeks into us seeing each other and all of her close friends from home - both encounters went really well. After we got home I asked her to be my girlfriend - she said yes. Normally I wouldn't let something like this escalate this quickly but we had a chemistry that I never experienced before and she was giving me signals that she was interested in one. Things were going really good and she continued to initiate a lot of the hanging out - almost to the point of her living with me. She went to her counseling session one day and acted like everything was normal but started acting weird over the weekend (I didn't look into it that much because she was sick and had exams coming up - I let her have her space). After our exam she invited me to come out with her friends and we all got drinks then she took me home and dumped me - though she really couldn't put it into words. I asked for a reason and she said that after talking to her brother/his fiancé and her counselor that she thought I wasn't what she needed romantically right now (which I don't understand because the romance was there, which she conceded, and I treated her well). I left promptly.

 

She asked me to be friends but after seeing her at a party I knew I couldn't do that. I met up with her the next day at her place and said I was really struggling with the breakup because I have horrible trust issues (another long story) and that I didn't know how we could go from being perfect to nothing in a short amount of time. I was a emotional (mostly due to opening up about my past) but never asked for her back. She kept spewing out random reasons but none of them really made sense considering her behavior "You make me feel safe / you make me complacent / I just want to be single - I've been in relationships for 7 years / I want to be selfish / I want to do this on my own". She did keep repeating that I was the perfect boyfriend over and over. I left saying I don't want to be friends and that I knew she wanted to be "selfish" but didn't know when I could trust another girl like that again. I saw her around school and would keep my cool and politely say hello. I didn't mention her to our mutual friends because I didn't want to start drama/make them feel awkward. I kept her on Facebook but removed her on instagram/snapchat and initiated no contact. 3 weeks post breakup (before our final) I asked her out to coffee to catch up - pretty much I wanted to say over coffee that I don't hate her/I think that her reasons for breaking up aren't stupid and that I accept the breakup but don't see us being friends because I need time to heal. She accepted the coffee date but we both texted each other around the same time saying maybe we could grab coffee another time and I said after break would work better for me (I didn't want this on my mind during finals). She said that would be good.

 

We both went to the same medical school party after finals and I was initially pretty apprehensive about seeing her. I handled it like a boss and didn't let her weigh me down - I socialized with our mutual friends and other people without it visibly phasing me. She couldn't really even look at me and quickly went to another room to drink heavily and eventually left early with her best friend. It really hurt me to see her hurt like that. It was the last time I saw her before the break. I'm at home now, taking care of my father with early onset Alzheimers, seeing a counselor, and going on a few dates along the way. It has been pretty lonely but I haven't let her really get me down most days. I've been maintaining no contact and haven't put much thought into the follow up coffee date until recently. My ex has been liking some of my posts on Facebook and actually liked an Instagram Christmas picture of me and my - knowing that I do not follow her. It really got me thinking about us (Maybe thats what she wants) and its making me wonder what I should do when I get back to school.

 

I'm going to be honest - I do want her back. To clarify I only want her back if she wants me for who I am and is ready to commit/is able to tell me why we broke up in the first place concisely. Its not like I am desperate and NEED her, but I really enjoyed her company. I've been with many women dating wise (approximately 80-100) and have seen a lot of what is out there for me. What's annoying is that I have only experienced a chemistry like this once and that I have been with enough women to know that this chemistry was special.

 

It should be noted that she has been dealing with some depression and stress (involving abandonment/school/self-confidence). She has had 2 **** boyfriends for the past 7 years and grew up in a loveless home - her mom told her that she loved her for the first time this year. I know she knew I would always be there for her and don't think she's ever had that before from a lover. After the breakup she's been getting blackout drunk quite frequently and hasn't really smiled a lot lately (I know her fake from her real smile).

 

Im still not sure if I should do the coffee date or just keep doing whatever (While taking the high road). Thoughts?

 

Thanks for listening.

[letsgetcoffee]

I think your approach to the coffee catch-up is a really mature way to deal with this confusion and miscommunication, congrats! Many people would just be mad, send angry/drunk texts/whatever but you reached out in a way that was emotionally intelligent and seeking to resolve conflict, that isn't easy. I'm sure every partner you ever have will appreciate this trait.

 

If you do care for her as much as you say, want her in your life, and feel that she is that special of a person in terms of compatibility with you, express what you've expressed here, and whatever else there is, to her directly. There is no guarantee of success in direct communication, but it is often the most successful strategy. If you fear there is to much to communicate/you will not communicate it effectively/she will talk to you/derail what you have to say, then write it down and put it in a letter, as you almost have here. Letters are great. If somebody gets emotional or difficult to convey points to in a conversation, letters to the rescue! They also work if you're not the best at conveying your feelings/thoughts in person.

 

As to why she broke up with you, there isn't enough for me to go on to provide a reasonable opinion, sounds like you're in a similar position. It's important to say here that when somebody wants to break up a relationship, they need no reason. It's cordial to provide reasons, especially if it's incongruent with their previous communications, but it's certainly not required. It's their life, they can choose who they want to date and why, even though it may suck for you. The bright side is you have the same rights and opportunity to pursue who you want, and not need to provide a reason that they accept to stop dating them. It's your life, you associate with who you want.

 

If she's experiencing depression/anxiety/stress, I think it's worth researching some ways to interact with that as a partner. Google "how to date somebody with anxiety" etc, you'd be surprised how many counter-intuitive ideas you'll find there that are widely appreciated by people with anxiety. Of course, always weigh it with what you need, what you want from relationships, how far you're willing to go, etc. I dated several people with anxiety and this kind of research has been incredibly helpful to me.

[riki]

Thanks for the reply! I'm still unsure about asking her to coffee for a second time - its hard to make myself vulnerable again to the same person who hurt me in the recent past. Its just difficult considering how out of the blue it was and the fact that I have no known way to make the positive step forward in our relationship. I don't know, maybe I'll find my answer by the end of the break.

[BrokenBranches]

I think if i told you my story, you may see that you're not in the worst position.

 

I'm not sure how recent your ex's relationship was, but i started hanging out with my ex just around the time she broke up with her bf of 4 years (their split was very mutual and amicable). For 2 months we became really good friends; like it felt incredible. Then we drunkenly hooked up, talked about it, decided to be fwb. Then it got very coupley, i wanted to date exclusively she was unsure, even though she said "You're seriously perfect. ideal for me. if i was ready i'd want it to be with you." These things were said 2 or 3 months in. Similar convo took place after i dumped her for sleeping with someone else and then we got back together. She definitely wanted to be single. Of course that didn't stop her from saying "i love you" and totally acting like we were in a relationship. That stuff feels good even if you do want to be single. So try not to fall for that. I'm trying to cut out a lot of details, but the first 4 or 5 months were amazing. Never felt so strongly about any girl before - even past serious GFs. It seemed mutual.

 

Eventually, she started being distant, not cool to me, putting in less effort. she was cold AND hot though, so it kept me going and was hard to end it. Anyway, 9 months in, too many issues arose out of her being ****ty and we broke up. I was more invested than she was.

 

It's been 2 months. I'm sitting her with so much sadness and so many regrets. Some regrets like, I can't believe i didn't dump her after (insert random ****ty thing she did) or i wish we never started hooking up and dating or i wish we took a break or broke up after 3 months when she still was unsure. Now i feel used, dumb, and all that. I was a rebound in many ways. Did she actually like and love me as much as she said? Was i actually her best friend or did she just need A friend? I don' know anymore.

 

We were BOTH scared of losing each other for good. Ending such a good thing is SO hard, i know. But now i'm thinking how i wish so much that i let her rebound with someone else and we just worked on our friendship. I wouldn't have lost her for good after 3 months. Yea it'd be weird and hard for a bit, but at least there'd be know hard feelings.

 

I think my best chance of having something lasting and fulfilling with her was if i let her go early on. MAYBE we wouldn't get back together, but if we did again, at least i'd know it's for the right reasons when she's in the right frame of mind. I'm sure some people have lasting relationships from "rebonds", but it's risky.

 

Try and appreciate and be grateful that she has the strength and self-awareness to call it quits now. She doesn't want to hurt you down the line. Let her figure out her **** now without you and without dragging you through her process. Whether that's by being friends or strangers, idk, but that's what i would tell myself 8 months ago or w/e.