Boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up? He's seeing someone else?

[lolololbiatch]

Hi, brief history -- my ex and I have known each other for 10 years and have been dating for 5 of those. We've had minor arguments as well as a few breakups in the past (3 years ago) but we always talked our way through them.

 

We hung out 4 days before we broke up and everything was fine -- he said he still loved me and was in love with me, as well as he was still happy with me and wanted to be with me. 2 days after that we got into a small argument because our plans changed last minute and I was upset. I came to find out that the changed plans (guys night) actually had a few girls involved so naturally I was angry. We had plans for Sunday so I went to his house and he told me to get out because we were done. I was devastated because it completely blindsided me. He started crying while we were arguing about breaking up. He even said "you don't think I wanted this, of all others, relationship to work out? Maybe we can try again in the future".

 

For the first week we were trying to "talk" but I could tell he was upset, his mom could even tell how torn he was about it. He told me that he couldn't eat or sleep and had to drink himself to sleep every night. His mother told me that he had to turn on my favorite show, that he despises, in order to fall asleep one night. He told me that he didn't feel important to me anymore (which he never voiced to me every time I asked if something was wrong). I'm a nursing student in my junior year, so yes things are hard to balance and I was truly trying my best; as we had plans to move in together this coming January as well as plans for all of December.

 

Not even a week later he was telling me that he met someone else, I need to move on, and that he never wants another relationship with me; again out of the blue. This new girl is 4 years younger than us as well as the complete opposite of me. I found out from a few of his friends that he has been doing recreational drugs (the girls sister is a known drug addict). I haven't spoken or even messaged him in almost 2 weeks now and he hasn't tried contacting me (asking to come get his stuff after posting a picture with the new girl on Twitter) in a week.

 

Is NC going to work for this? Will he come back to try and work this out? Is she only a rebound?... Is he really over me?

[Satu]

snip

*Is NC going to work for this? **Will he come back to try and work this out? ***Is she only a rebound?... ****Is he really over me?

 

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

*NC is for healing and moving on. It's not a magic spell that makes someone want you.

 

**Unknown and unknowable at this time.

 

***Yes, she is only a rebound.

 

****No, he isn't really over you. It takes longer than a few weeks, or a month or two.

 

 

Take care.

[lolololbiatch]

I didn't mean it as "some magic spell," I should've worded that question better. It's just surprising that he can go from talking to me nearly every day (minus when we was at basic training, AIT, and AT) for 10 years to just ridding his life of me without ever second guessing it...

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's safe to say he'd started seeing this girl before he actually broke up with you. The timeline is very indicative of this.

 

All those tears and throwing up? Guilt. He knew he was doing something wrong and that you didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

 

Having said that, I don't think the new girlfriend is a rebound, per se. This is more common with dumpees, when they're trying to fill the hole left by a departing ex. That doesn't mean his new relationship will last, mind you, but he isn't with her because he's trying to get over you. My feeling is that he'd already detached and when he met her, he made his exit. Are you two both relatively young? My guess is that he wasn't ready to move in with you and commit in that way. He wants to date around and explore before really settling down.

 

I know it hurts. It seems unreal that someone who's such a big part of your life can just disappear like that. But unfortunately, many folks here (myself included) can tell you that it does happen. Sometimes the dumper returns, sometimes they never do. But think very carefully before handing your heart over to a guy who behaved the way he did.

 

No Contact won't "work" the way you're hoping. It's meant to help you detach from him, not as a tool to make him miss you. He might, he might not. That isn't important right now. What's important is that you work with the facts as you know them - he ended the relationship and has a new girl. That should be all you need to know that you should no longer consider him part of your future. This will take time. You will have good days and bad. But it sounds like this wasn't the healthiest relationship; multiple break-ups indicate deeper problems, even if they were a while ago. That crack still remained.

[lolololbiatch]

I mean were 21 and he's been pushing me to move in for 2 years now. Whenever I'd stay the night he'd ask me to leave stuff and move in slowly. I'm not exactly the most financially stable at this time, because of school and work, so I was trying to create a safety cushion for myself if there need be. He also expressed to his mom that he was upset that we weren't living together yet.

 

I considered him being with her before we broke up -- (and I'm not making excuses) but it doesn't make sense to me and overall the timing doesn't make sense. He went to high school with her sister. But the way everything was fine before we broke up proves that there wasn't anyone else. I follow them both on instagram (bad idea on my part) and he only started "liking" her posts after he told me to move on -- which was 2 weeks after our break up. Giving up enough time to meet her and get to know her.

 

And again I didn't mean it as "he'll come back". I should've watched my wording there.

[ExpatInItaly]

I mean were 21 and he's been pushing me to move in for 2 years now. Whenever I'd stay the night he'd ask me to leave stuff and move in slowly. I'm not exactly the most financially stable at this time, because of school and work, so I was trying to create a safety cushion for myself if there need be. He also expressed to his mom that he was upset that we weren't living together yet.

 

I considered him being with her before we broke up -- (and I'm not making excuses) but it doesn't make sense to me and overall the timing doesn't make sense. He went to high school with her sister. But the way everything was fine before we broke up proves that there wasn't anyone else. I follow them both on instagram (bad idea on my part) and he only started "liking" her posts after he told me to move on -- which was 2 weeks after our break up. Giving up enough time to meet her and get to know her.

 

And again I didn't mean it as "he'll come back". I should've watched my wording there.

 

Sadly, this is just not always true. A lot of betrayed partners are totally blindsided by infidelity, as they had no idea anything was wrong with the relationship. You would be surprised how good some cheaters are at putting on an act, even with partners they've had for years. But if everything really was fine, why were you excluded from plans on the night in question?

 

I feel it's rather beside the point now, though. At only 21, he'd been with you for 5 years. That's a long time for a young couple. It means neither of you has had much opportunity to date around. This is fine for some people, but many young adult simply find themselves too curious to settle down at your age. I think that even though there were some problems in the relationship (which is normal) he's just not as ready as he thought. And he probably won't be for long time, to be honest. He's just barely got a taste of adulthood.

 

I know that he used to push you to move in and commit. But unfortunately, something changed for him. He wanted the chance to be with someone else, and all you can really do now is work on healing and detaching. It's painful, but most of us here can assure you that having been through it ourselves at some point, you will eventually feel better.